my precious girls

On Tuesday we made chocolate chocolate-chip cookies, without the chocolate chips, because, once again, I ate them.  Not by myself entirely, mind you.  Every time I chew chocolate chips, stealthy stolen from the baking cupboard, someone sees me, or smells them, and asks for some. And I can't say no, because doing so would undermine my credibility--making me a hypocrite.  I hate the word hypocrite; I don't want to be anything that starts with hypo.

So, between the five of us munching on chips from the baking cupboard, we can only hope to bake with them within 48 hours of buying them.  Beyond 48 hours, forget it.

You're about to see an insane number of pictures of Mary and Beth and cookie baking.  Why?  Because I love baking with these precious girls. 

- I love that Mary dutifully makes balls with her dough, while popping a bit in her mouth only intermittently.

- I love that Beth really wants to be a Momma's helper, but ends up eating more dough than she rolls (yes, I worry about the raw eggs).  She is like her Momma.  A cookie monster.  I love that about her.  I watch closely, because she'll ruin her next meal if I'm not vigilant.  I put 13 cookies on her pan myself, to her 3. Then I help Mary finish filling hers, before taking away the dough and pans, and releasing the girls.  I finish the baking tasks myself. This saves them both from gluttony and malnutrition, because we bake twice a week.  Don't ask what saves me from cookie gluttony.  Nothing, right now.  Breastfeeding burns calories in Momma's body; it's good for both of us.  When Beth decides to stop nursing, I'll have to give up cookies and eat carrots and celery.  God help me love them--carrots and celery, that is.

- I love how their eyes light up when I announce baking time.

- I love how dutifully, cheerfully, they go and wash their hands.  Not all directions are followed cheerfully around here, but washing hands to help in the kitchen is always done joyfully.  I love that.

- I love how they dip their hands into the dry ingredients, feeling all the different textures.

- I love how the boys, mostly uninterested in helping, always manage to make their way to the kitchen, just as the first batch comes out.  I really love that. Cookies, made with love by Momma and sisters, are one of God's graces to our family.  They bring joy. That new, bisque-colored GE range in the background there, also brings joy.  It heats to 350 degrees in four minutes!

- I love how Mary and Beth put their hands over mine when we use the electric mixer.  I love how they giggle over the vibration.

- I love that Beth copies everything I do--including turning the bowl as we mix.

Tuesday it was chocolate chocolate cookies, Friday it was oatmeal raisin. Beth eagerly started, measuring out some rolled oats before Momma even gave instructions.  Does she have it memorized?

These little girls are in bed, long asleep.  How I want to scoop them up from their beds right now and rock them in my rocker--drinking in their milky skin and eyelashes, trying to etch each curve into memory, for when they're grown and gone, leaving me to rock alone.  They are the sweetest blessings!

God knew!  He really knew!  We tried to get pregnant when we had our boys, but not so with our girls.  We just didn't do anything artificial or fool-proof.  I didn't want to be an old Momma, but I can't imagine life without these girls.  It would be so heavy here without them. They are God's grace to me--to this household.

May I give unsolicited advice?  Go ahead and throw an egg at your computer if you want. Let the babies come!  God knows what's in store for you.  He has perfect plans for every moment of your life. If he wants to give you a baby, let Him.  I promise you, there will never be a baby in your life who won't bless you.  Even a baby lost through miscarriage still blesses.  No, you can't do anything about your husband's vasectomy choice, but you can keep your own heart open.  Though my husband had the vasectomy, I believe God will still bless my open heart--my heart for His blessings, for His open hand, no matter what the hand holds.

No, there is nothing glamorous about people always staring at me with my kids, wondering if I'm the grandma or the mother. That hurts sometimes. But it pales in comparison to the blessing that these girls are--born when I was 40 and 42.

Rearing children is hard.  Gruelling even, at times.  But remember Sally Clarkson and her fishes and loaves?  Nothing forces you to give God your fishes and loaves, daily, like mothering does.  

It's the most beautiful, most worthwhile, most world-changing thing you'll ever do.

And no other endeavour changes--sanctifies, even--your own heart as much as mothering does.  This is true whether you've given birth, or opened your heart to an orphan.

 "You didn't eat more dough, did you Beth, after Momma asked you not to?"

Do you think that's a guilty face?  That full mouth giving it away?

The counter and the floor are always messy afterwards--far messier than if I'd done the baking myself.  But looking at this mess, I feel so blessed.  It doesn't get any better than this.

I don't want tidiness or perfection.  I don't want a fat savings account or manicured nails or exciting adventures.  I want an abundant life.  A messy, poured-out life, lived by faith...full of thanks-giving.

How about you?

accept it as a gift

Do you have special needs under your roof?  Special circumstances?  If so, rejoice.  


Yes, that's right.  I said rejoice!


You all get to live out the gospel in your daily life!  You get to.  Count it as a gift.


I want you to imagine something scary, just for a moment.  


Suppose you're diagnosed with advanced, terminal, inoperative cancer. You're told you have one month to live.


What work would you have to do in that month to prepare your children for your departure?  Could it be done in a month?  Would you panic, worried that your children would fall apart from the inside out? 


Yes, they would be devastated.  Any child would.  But would they know what to do next?  Would your children turn right to God, in their sorrow? Would they have that groundwork laid?  Would they even be aware that God is the ultimate Comforter?  The ultimate Healer?  Ever-present? 


Was there a time--many times hopefully--when they had to turn to God for comfort?  Are they acquainted with His faithfulness?  Do they have that personal relationship established? 


If you have special needs or circumstances under your roof, your children are well acquainted with the power of God.  They know the limitations of Man.  Of themselves.  They know Mom and Dad are not equal to God--not in love, power, or faithfulness.  No parent is.  


Success is impossible in the special needs/special circumstance home; crisis living is the norm.  Equilibrium is never felt for more than a few days. Sound preposterous?  Don't believe me?  Spend one week in my home, and you'll see.  My husband has ADHD, my son has that and a myriad of other special needs. Neither of these two have impulse control or mood control; complete inability to self-regulate is the reality.  The rest of us live in a constant dog-paddling mode, trying to stay above water in the fray.  We tire easily.  We get discouraged.  No matter what we try, we can't improve things for more than a few days.  The disabilities render us helpless, practically speaking.  Not spiritually speaking--just practically.


One of the hallmarks of disability is inconsistency.  What works one week, doesn't the next.  Therein lies the helplessness.


Many neurological or behavioural disabilities do the same thing to a family that alcoholism does.  The alcoholic rules the house, and no one escapes. It's a family disease, so to speak.  No, I'm not trying to vilify my son and husband with this analogy.  I love them both deeply.  I respect and admire them.  They didn't choose this.  We must daily, mentally, separate the person from the disability.  We owe them that.  Indeed, God asks it of us.


A Christian in these circumstances learns to escape spiritually.  Spiritual escape--the art of rising above--is learned.  It doesn't come naturally to anyone.


When brokenness is present daily, hourly, God must be present.  He cannot be forgotten.  He is needed too desperately. 


If you're a special needs or special circumstance family, you are ready for anything!  God has readied you.  He has revealed himself in miraculous ways. He's taught you to cling.  To lean.  He's taken you to the end of yourself.  


You know the truth. Without Him, you are nothing.


And your reward?  Is there one, on earth?


Yes!   


Read the excerpt below from Sally Clarkson, taken from her post Secrets to Miracles in Your Family.  She has four children.  One son has ADHD, OCD, and "a few other letters".  Two other children have OCD and three have asthma.  They are all grown now, except for her teenage daughter, Joy. Here Sally speaks of the rewards. I loved this. It was life giving to me. 

Since we know that God’s will is good and acceptable and perfect, then we know He has not asked us to do more than we are able to do. And so some of the requirements we are placing on ourselves are from fear of people, or rules of others that put pressure on us, or trying to win the hearts of our children by exerting our wills.

God brought me to the end of myself–3 out of 4 clinically asthmatic kids; 3 ocd kids, one adhd; 17 moves, church splits, fire in our home, car accidents, etc. There is no way I could do it all or be perfect.

But, God wanted me to walk by faith in Him. Every day I learned to give to Him my fish and loaves. Lord, I know I am not perfect, I cannot provide all my children need. But I am giving you my best, my heart—here are my fish and loaves. You make it enough. No child is the same. No family puzzles are the same. God, our devoted and ever-present Father, wants us to come to Him, to ask Him to work, to ask His grace to fill our homes, to ask Him who has access to the brains of our children, for Him to draw them to himself.

And so, miracles happen where God is the one we depend on to work. We acknowledge we are not adequate, but He is. We release our problems and sadnesses, and limitations and fears into His hands and leave them there, and then move to an attitude of worship—can’t wait to see what you do, Lord, sort of attitude of faith. We do what He leads us to do and live within our own limitations every day. Whatever we do not get done, we put it back into His file and have a go again tomorrow. He is the source of supernatural life, and He wants us to walk this parenting path by faith as we would walk all of the other paths of our life by faith. It is no different in parenting.

One of my friends recently said to me, “Sally, it seems like you have a lot of miracles strewn through your life. How do you account for that?” I told her that my life required miracles, for Him to work, or I wouldn’t make it. He is the ultimate source and answer and strength, but He is also the way of peace.

Read the entire post here.


So, that reward I spoke of?  It is peace.  Not outward peace, but an inner peace.


It comes from this:  "Every day I learned to give Him my fish and loaves."


Notice she said learned.  When you've learned to let go to that extent, you've attained peace.  Peace doesn't come any other way; it is a letting go.  


So, I say it again.  Rejoice!  If you have special needs or circumstances in your home, you are blessed!  Grab that blessing with both hands. Accept it as a gift.  




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I'm speechless

Post ideas usually abound in my head.  Right now, however, I'm speechless.

These ladies are full of wise words. Won't you visit them?

Lady of Virtue wrote two amazing posts recently:
1.  Keep the Home Fires Burning
2.  Money Can't Save Us

Sally Clarkson wrote beautifully this week also:

1.  Filling Your Soul With Love and Grace Divine
2.  Parenting--It All Starts With Your View of God

Tonia from Study in Brown is writing a nice series:
1.  Order And Routine--Making Straight Paths for Peace - Part 1
2.  Order and Routine--Making Straight Paths for Peace - Part 2
3.  A Song Almost Heard - Tonia's adoption story, all about living the Gospel, is a must read. If you read nothing else, read this.

Tina from  The Jobe Journal, using her eight-year-old daughter's writing sample, teaches you how to incorporate ideas from The Institute for Excellence in Writing.  My next curriculum purchase will definitely be the Student Writing Intensive DVD Course, Level A (grades 3-5).

what His grace looked like today

Sometimes, as we gaze out at the squirrels' antics, I am certain their show is from God.  I believe it is a deliberate act of grace for my children and me, because we are so isolated, with scant amusement some days. I am sure it is Him.  He has trained me to look for--to notice--His graces.  It's as if He says to me, "I am here.  You are loved.  I have plans for you.  Wait for me.  Delight in me."

Daddy doesn't like starlings; he views them as nuisance birds.  Ousting and picking on one of God's creatures seems wrong to me.  I try to discourage Peter from thinking in this way.  

One day, engrossed in a bird book, Peter learned that starlings eat Japanese Beetles, which we happen to have a problem with.  We suspect they've infested our cherry and pear trees.

Since learning this, Peter has tried to convince Daddy that we should, after all, allow starlings to feed here, because having them around would help with our beetle problem.

I have to say, I am so proud of Peter!  Daddy still isn't impressed, but we're working on him.  :)

Reeling from a few headache-filled days, I was feeling down today about taking so much Excedrin.  It worries me, since the liver can be affected by acetaminophen (one of the ingredients in Excedrin Tension Headache).

Miss Beth was draining me further today, with her activity level.  

Well, recently our chipmunk emerged from winter hiding. Thrilled to find dried corn cobs on the lawn, he has visited often of late.  

This morning I pulled Beth away from an interesting drawer she was rummaging through, and lifted her to watch Mr. Chipmunk from the window. Presently a squirrel came along, intimidating the chipmunk, who then scurried away.  I told Beth to say, "Bye, bye, chipmunk."  She said it with perfect articulation!  I was so blessed.  

Suddenly, God spoke right to me.  Yes, I am sure it was Him.  He said, "That perfect sentence was from me.  I know your head hurts.  I know you're discouraged.  My grace is sufficient for now.  I love you."

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." ~Psalm 43:5 (NIV) "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7 (NASB) "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."~Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV) "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."~Romans 5:2b-5 (NIV)

combating fear, the answer

Do you worry?  Suffer from fear?  Is it about the now....or the tomorrow? Do you have the ability to calm yourself?

In chapter eight of Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, she writes of the ulcer she had as a young girl.  She was a very anxious child--and an anxious adult too (agoraphobic)--until she realized something.

Counting God's gifts combats fear.

As she continued with her initial list of 1000 gifts, she found, quite accidentally, that looking back on what God had already faithfully done, provided a bridge for going forward, without fear.

I have done this.  It works.  When we've faced worrisome, scary things, I made lists of Big Things God Has Done.  Doing this exercise allows me to go forward with the assurance provided us in Matthew 6:25-34 (Scripture source found here).

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Nowadays, when worry runs amok in my life, it involves one of three things:

-  I'm under the influence of cyclical hormones that overpower me emotionally and intellectually.  I realize many of you cringe when a woman speaks of cyclical hormones--especially in a public forum--but I find it significant and unique in a woman's journey, and nothing to be ashamed of. It is from God, so what shame is there?  Did He know that the Marthas of the world needed to weep at His feet at regular intervals--unable to help themselves....at the end of themselves?  During these times, I need a lot of Christian music; it seems to be the only soul-healer that works.  Getting lost in words of praise to my Lord brings me to tears, and then back to joy. (Back to back pregnancies and nursings were a godsend to me, in the previous ten years.)

Other causes of worry:

- I've not faithfully bathed myself in the Word--too many busy days in a row.

- I've not taken the time to list my blessings.  I need this exercise several times a week.

Here is an excerpt from chapter 8, from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, p.161.  She imagines God having this conversation with her:

All fear is but the notion that God's love ends.  Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough?  But I am infinite, child.  What can end in Me?  Can life end in Me?  Can happiness?  Or peace?  Or anything you need?  Doesn't your Father always give you what you need?  I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end.  Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear?  In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends.  If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child.  As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.

Her book is not an easy read; it's not a book you devour.  But it's a must read.  I see why God allowed deep sorrow in her life.  He gave her the gift of words--beautiful, poignant words--to tell the story of His love, His sustenance, His faithfulness, His joy.  This is His book, written to redeem Ann's tears, and the tears of all the brokenhearted.

I hope it continues to climb bestseller lists (number 11 on hardcover advice books-NY Times).

You'll find more beautiful, poignant words at Laura's blog, The Wellspring. She is another favorite Christian writer of mine, and she too, suffered through childhood.  I see God using her words, her tears, similarly.  Her poetry is breathtaking!