Fear Not

It's time for a Christian lesson on fear and anxiety, for my son Peter's OCD is so severe he can't get through his daily responsibilities, though as a testament to God's power, Peter still manages to be concerned with the neighbor children's salvation. God can work through any circumstances. Whatever infirmities and disorders we have, he can still use us. Hallelujah!

I urge you, if you are paralyzed by fear of any type, to list all your cares and them meditate on the verses below. When you are done with these verses, click here to see more.

My fears are:

~ that Peter has a treatment-resistant type of OCD;

~ that he won't be able to work;

~ that he won't be able to marry and have children, which is something he dearly hopes for;

~that he won't be able to finish high school on time, since it takes him 3 hours to do a whole math lesson due to the concentration involved, complicated by nearly non-stop rituals. I break up the lessons as much as I can;

~ that even if I could get him into a residential treatment program, he isn't ready to give it his all. Adolescence is a difficult time for battling fear and some patients are better able to tackle OCD in their twenties.

~that he won't be able to finish any exams and will flunk, even if he does get to college or vocational school;

~ that he will get so exasperated with the religious rituals, it will cause him to turn from the Lord's fellowship--for it already makes it difficult for him to pray and read the Bible. His grandfather, age 92 and similarly affected, does not pray or read his Bible anymore due to the stress of the rituals, and he isn't even aware of his disordered condition.

It's very difficult to homeschool students with disabilities, but I know the right direction and focus for me, as mom and teacher. It's a hard road requiring an unwavering faith, which requires an unwavering commitment to the Scriptures and to personal and corporate prayer.

When spirits need reviving, it's time to bathe in every Scripture we can find on fear and anxiety. I pray these will help you with whatever affliction you may suffer, for one thing is sure--we are all suffering in some respect:

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-10 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Isaiah 35:4 Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Psalm 27:1 Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Romans 8:31-39 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Psalm 55:22-23 Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

To Soothe Overwhelm

Do what you can, do it well, and trust the Lord to take care of the rest.

I read that sentence on Marianne's blog today and it soothed me. Each day I want to get so many lessons done, but I don't ever succeed.

Marianne goes on to write:

Slow and steady does in fact win the race.  A little learning every day adds up to a lot of learning over time.  Your faithfulness to do what you can will be rewarded.  Do what you can, do it well and don’t fret about what didn't get done.

I know that for me as the productive type, I like to get stuff done.  I like to check off the boxes so I can coast for a bit.

 Get child reading – check.

 Instill a Biblical worldview – check.

As if these things don’t take years of daily instruction, testing and trying to really do well.

 I am teaching myself to let go of the notion of finishing.  Not only is the notion that I can finish parenting, schooling, or cleaning and then coast for some extended period of time absurd as a mom of 8, it is flawed for several reasons.

My work as a wife and mother will never be finished (and likely, at least for some time, my home will never be entirely clean).  Jesus calls me to be about the business of blessing others with my talents.  If not my family, as it is now with my full house, then for others in need.  God has blessed me with gifts so that I can give them away to others.  That is not something that ends when the kids turn 18 and are finally independent or when I turn 65 and can officially retire.

Marianne Sunderland, a 20-year homeschooling mother, has seven children with dyslexia. Her oldest is a prodigal son--the same son who at 17 sailed around the world alone. Her second oldest, a daughter, tried to sail around the world alone at age 16, but her boat suffered storm damage, leading to her rescue in the Indian Ocean. Their family was widely criticized for that the world over, due to their daughter's age and the expense of the rescue.  

Marianne has known harsh ridicule; she has been despised. She has been tested. As a mother she has loved and challenged her children, believed in them, let them run with the talents and bents God gave them. She has celebrated their strengths, and worked tirelessly to remediate their weaknesses. 

I look at her challenges, and her story, and I see the conclusions she's come to. Nothing matters except God and what he wants from our day. His agenda is not what we would naturally want in our flesh, but as I say here ad nauseam, our lives are not our own. He wants us to live for him...to bless others with what he's so graciously given us. 

I've come to the same conclusions, based largely on having challenges facing me each day that are bigger than me, my husband and my children. If I made my life about me, it would be a big fat failure, devoid of all meaning. I rather like meaning; I must have it. It's why I get up everyday.

The more challenges the Lord heaps on you, the more you want to run to him for your meaning, because you sure ain't getting it from the world, in your sorry condition. The world will ridicule you and say it's all your fault, and if only you would just do better, you wouldn't have all these problems. 

It's all stacked against you, but the Lord holds you up, and sometimes even makes you triumph. You see him more clearly than ever before, and you feel more grateful at your core than ever before. All because your challenges are so insurmountable.

I feel every day so overwhelmed with what God has given me to deal with in these wonderful children. I look at how much trouble Beth is having with numbers and I wonder if she also has dyslexia and I cringe at the thought.

Already Peter and his issues drive me to my knees daily. There is just so much; every child has particular issues.

But for Marianne it is the same, and she has eight children. If she can do this everyday, I certainly can too. She, a wise woman, further along than me, says "Do what you can, do it well, and trust the Lord to take care of the rest." You can bet that's advice I'm going to take.

Along with that advice, I've come to conclusions about our appointment schedule, which has for a couple years gotten in the way of our schooling.

I made two important decisions this week: I withdraw us from speech and psychology appointments. The psychologist turned out to be a pretty disorganized practitioner. I felt we could make better progress using the Talking Back To OCD book, which is highly organized and systematic, as opposed to driving two hours round trip and spending two more hours in the office once a week.

As far as speech therapy for /th/ and /r/ goes, I felt the kids had come far enough that I could fix the remaining issues myself.

We will still have periodic appointments for the kids' chronic issues. In fact, Beth's arthritis is getting worse, so we may have to resume physical therapy appointments if the recent increase in the chemo drug doesn't take care of her joint pain, stiffness, and swelling. 

Remediating dyslexia is hard work and it requires plenty of time at home, and this is my life. I love my children and I love teaching. I love a one-piece life where it all blends together. It's so hard fought, but God gives me instinct in how to love my children, train them, celebrate their strengths, remediate their weaknesses, and counsel them. Not to mention, he's also had very good practitioners write books to help me.

I can't do it all everyday, as Marianne reminds me, but I can do some things well, steadily, and I can trust the Lord with the rest.

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Simple Woman's Daybook 10/7

Outside my window...

A vibrant array of color, the leaves delight me as always in this, my favorite season.

Not too fast, I want to shout to the heavens...not too fast.

Some leaves pile on the ground already, thrown asunder by the wind, reminding me that time passes quickly and there's nothing I can do about it. We must hug our little ones and big ones alike, for in no time our children will be off to their first apartment, thrown asunder by a swiftly moving clock life, leaving us to wonder why we ever minded the noise or the mud or all that laundry.

Oh, but to have them all back again, we'll say, tears running down our cheeks.

Snuggle up and savor. Fill them up with all your heart has to offer, and with all the Lord has to offer, through you.

I am thinking...

Why does it have to be so hard? That has crossed my mind numerous times these last couple weeks. We're going to these psychology appointments, but change, progress, is slow. Fear is a force; it must be understood and reckoned with, and we are learning that this is both simple and not so simple, especially when fear behaves like a tsunami, taking reason with it.

I guess I expected that once we were pursuing the solution, all would be well, but it may be many months of abiding in Christ. Why was I thinking I had the golden egg of solutions?

Because when is a psychologist really a solution? A solution to what? Life is as messy as it is beautiful and the Lord is my shepherd and my psychologist...I shall not want and everything I need is right there in the down payment on my inheritance...the Holy Spirit...talking to me through my prayers and through my Bible reading and through my hardest moments.

This guy behind the desk in the medical building? He can only do what the Lord wills. He's one of God's graces for us in the grand scheme of anxiety disorders, but he's not the answer to having enough endurance...to finishing the race before me. God has already equipped me with everything I need. My work, my job, is to be thankful, obedient, and available as a servant.

I am thankful for...

~ a reading program for dyslexics available to homeschoolers (reading is a grueling process for the dyslexic and one I was not privy to understand before). I don't know what I would have done without the All About Reading curriculum. I decided to use it for both Mary and Beth, though at two different levels. I wanted to prevent any problems with Beth as she becomes a reader, since dyslexia is highly heritable.

~ cooler days--especially mornings and nights, hot cocoa, baking smells in the kitchen again, pumpkin foods, apple foods, lots of homemade soups

~ a marriage that perseveres. The anxiety disorders in the children are taking their toll on our marriage, as is common when children have stressful conditions, but this marriage is solidly based on commitment, not on happiness, so grueling times like this do not shake its foundation. Praise God for that. A marriage that has seen hard times can be a testimony, and right now I am holding on tight for the glory of God. Marriage and raising children is not so much about us, but about the glory of God. Singleness can be the same, though through different avenues of bringing glory.

~ a reorganized, centralized homeschooling area for quick access to the books and assignment sheets we need throughout the day

~ a reorganized laundry-folding and storing system that leaves Mommy only folding the parental laundry. These changes have proven very helpful. The children each have their own standard-sized laundry basket containing their clean pajamas, sweats, and socks/underwear to fold and put away, plus a few towels and washcloths each. I hang everything else straight from the dryer.

~ a four-year-old Down Syndrome boy joined my church Sunday school class this last week and I really wanted to take him home with me...Peter did too. I love special needs children.

~ Sunday school children to love, though I do miss holding the babies in the nursery. I am only with the 4-year-olds now.

~ Our new church is the best church I've ever attended. We've been there about 7 weeks now I'm guessing. It isn't the AWANA church I wrote about, but a different church I found online about twenty minutes from us. I can't put my finger on what is different, but I want to say...they're just very humble, average guys (2 pastors and a youth minister) trying to minister to us, but very talented at it too. They don't view ministry through a staff vs. church member lens. Everyone is equal--there are no cliques. We're all messed-up sinners in need of grace and love and wisdom, pursuing it together, and trying to be it together, for the glory of God. That's what it feels like there and I love it and it's unanimous...the whole family loves it!

For a long time I've wanted to find such a church home, but I came to the conclusion you bloom where you're planted and make the best of it, finding all the good you could. This feels like such a joy finally...my spirit is happy there. There are tons of babies and toddlers and families--it's teaming with life the second you walk in the doors. A young church with a sprinkling of us old folks, who are all happy to look around and laugh at the joy of it all.

I am wearing...

flannel pajamas and slippers because it's late night. I had to wait until all my school prep was done before I could write tonight (as well as the dishes done and the socks and underwear put in the dryer).

I am reading...

My Bible, Little Pear from the girls' Core B curriculum (an amazingly cute and quaint classic I missed as a child and adult), Overcoming Dyslexia, Talking Back to OCD

Scripture to share... Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

The Unsuspecting Psychologist

How many times have I typed it here over the years?  That what matters most to the Lord is drawing people to Himself--saving souls and more souls?

2 Peter 3:8-9 But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

My anxiety-ridden children--whose anxieties are exhausting and fill me with anxiety, and vice versa--see a psychologist every Monday. We all like him, and in fact Mary had her first full session this last Monday and said afterwards, "Mommy, I really love that man." Before she left, she told him, "I'll miss you." 

He'd given her a science lesson about thunder and lightning and showed her many pictures of beautiful displays of God's glory in the skies, also explaining that lightning hits the highest objects around, if anything at all--rarely your house.

He grew up in tornado alley, he told her, and never saw a single tornado. In fact, when his home area in Ohio has a tornado warning, his family goes into the basement and he sits in the garage with the garage door open and tries to find a tornado in the sky--he so wants to see one--but still, he never has!

He asked her what her worst fear was. "A tornado running down the house and killing everybody", she answered.

"If this happened, which is very, very unlikely, where would you go?", he inquired.

"I would go to Heaven and be with Jesus forever." she answered.

"Yes. And your dolls and toys would be strewn all over the street, and children would come and be very happy to play with them, so is a tornado really all that bad?" he countered.

He's an orthodox Jewish psychologist (who also has OCD and suffered with it as a child) who loves God and intersperses things about God into his counseling sessions.

But he doesn't know Jesus. He upholds what my children say about Jesus--and they all have something to say about Him--but he doesn't personally know Jesus the Messiah.

It isn't only one of my children going to this man who loves God but not the Messiah. It's three of them. How rare is that? Three siblings needing therapy for anxiety? So this man has two hours of exposure to Christian children speaking from their heart about Jesus as the Spirit leads, every Monday.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

There was a purpose to the worst summer of my life? A purpose to me feeling like we were a failure as a family because who has this many children suffering from anxiety? I didn't tell you about all the embarrassment, shame, self-doubt, panic and failing faith that characterized my summer--or did I, sort of?

I'm sure I have a lot to learn--that we as a family have a lot to learn. Like how to abide.

But there is another purpose too, I strongly feel, having to do with an unsuspecting psychologist who doesn't know yet that God loves him so much, he's going to plant the truth of the gospel into the case file of the 7-year-old who's afraid of thunder, lightning, tornadoes and loud booms that just might be bombs. With a little help from her brothers.

When she said, "I really love that man," it could just as easily have been the Lord talking.

Jesus loves us! He really does, and when things are hard and down right messy, and we're ashamed and scared and we don't understand how it could get this bad, we can't lose hope. We don't know the outcome, but we do know the purpose. We do know what the Lord cares about.

We just have to care about souls too, and we'll be okay. We have to remember what he has planned for those who love Him.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

1 Corinthians 2:9

However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
    the things God has prepared for those who love him—

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Calm Parenting Secrets: Christian and Mainstream

A concussion follow-up appointment yesterday revealed some bad news, most of which we expected, based upon my son's on-going symptoms. He cannot concentrate on anything, either academic or in play, without getting a headache behind his eyes, often accompanied by blurred vision. Even being read to requires a concentration that gives him a headache. He loves to read and be read to, so without that in his life he feels a sense of hopelessness, as do I. His condition requires a nerve-wracking and depressing brain rest. Only complete boredom is available, for even playing Lincoln Logs right now bothers him, as does painting a simple watercolor picture.

The Children's Hospital neurosurgery department revealed that most children have no symptoms two weeks after their concussion accidents, and we're beyond the two weeks. Not all concussion patients lose consciousness, but if that does happen, the concussion tends to be worse. My son did lose consciousness for less than a minute, so his concussion is probably between mild and moderate, but patients with pre-existing health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, can take longer to heal and can suffer from Post-Concussion Syndrome, with some symptoms lasting up to a year or more.

I knew all this from my research, but I was thinking positively, hoping for some miraculous reason they would take off his neck brace and give him an okay to do an hour of school a day, or say something resembling hope.

But no, in addition to all our other appointments, I have to take him back for an MRI to check for a sprained neck (requiring either surgery or extended time in the neck brace), and I have to take him for a two-hour appointment at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic to have him checked for lingering signs of concussion (concussion is labeled Traumatic Brain Injury). If there are no lingering signs, he would probably then be referred for a vision evaluation with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

He no longer confuses time and place and his long- and short-term memory seem completely intact. The day after the concussion he underwent cognitive testing and could not repeat five random numbers. I tested him briefly yesterday and he could repeat up to seven random numbers, so I don't expect them to find lingering signs of concussion, except for the headaches, trouble concentrating, and blurred vision.

I don't have to tell you that I left that appointment yesterday in a sorry state of mind. My son is driving all of us crazy with his boredom, and we all wish we could go back in time and keep him out of that tree. Never have any of us felt so desperate to erase something.

After purchasing The Total Transformation by James Lehman, I became the fortunate receiver of regular and excellent parenting emails delivered as a newsletter to my inbox. I learn something valuable every time I click on them.

Guess what I learned today? A calm parent raises calm children. Yes, the stress around here is all my fault (being facetious), even though my frame of mind is normal under the circumstances. I don't know what we're about to face or how long the discomfort will last. I do know that speech appointments, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appointments, excessive ear-wax appointments, eye appointments, anxiety-disorder therapy appointments, ADHD/OCD medicine follow-up appointments, and your standard dental and winter-illness doctor appointments, fall just short of doing me in as a homeschooling mother.

In case you also deal with that overburdened feeling, I want to go over a couple Christian calmness techniques, as well as some standard psychology techniques for controlling our emotions and reactions.

First, the Christian perspective:

Think Purpose and Plan: God's ways are not our ways. When circumstances like excessive appointments, or a tough diagnosis, or seasons of life overwhelm us, we need to get over ourselves and keep our eyes on God and his plan.

Occasionally I'm blessed with comments from strangers, such as "Your children are so polite and well behaved. What is your secret?" The other day a lady followed me out of a consignment shop and said the above to me, smiled at my children, and then offered me a large bag of clothes her teenage son outgrew. She was as sweet as could be. Paul smiled and joked with her over the "what is your secret" question with "Mommy gives us a lot of milk."

These encounters occur in doctor's offices or thrift stores or grocery stores, but always, they surprise me because my children can drive me nuts in doctor's offices, grocery stores, and thrift stores. These are not calm outings for me--my kids being the creative, overactive types. But somehow, passersby see something that I miss. We are God-followers and that makes us different than about 75% to 80% of America. When God is the center of the family, it shows, even when we're overwhelmed and overburdened.

All our appointments get us out into the world and when Christians are out, they shine. God makes them shine--it has nothing to do with what we've done right, but everything to do with God's power and grace.

So the first Christian technique for remaining calm is to remember that God has a plan. While that plan may make us uncomfortable, it serves a greater purpose and we need to trust in that.

Think Servant of Christ:  Not only do we have to trust in God's plan, but we need to be a willing servant, or instrument in his plan. We live to serve God, not the other way around. He saves us and loves us and sustains us, and much is required of those who call him Father. We have been given salvation instead of endless suffering; in gratitude for that we give up our lives for the Lord. Whoever loses his life will gain it. Our best life comes from serving our Father, not ourselves.

Luke 12:48 ESV But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 17:33 ESV Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

I want to save my life by getting back to routine, starting school, getting a chore and errand chart going, having fewer appointments, etc. I want to restore sanity, but God wants me to learn to smile amidst the unknown and unchartered.

Think Psalms: Need I say more? Psalms sooth and remind and teach, and give us a divine hug.

I also find it helpful to use standard psychological helps, such as:

knowing our triggers
knowing what we can and can't control
distinguishing between fear and facts
digging for the root of anxiety
staying in the present
finding better ways to communicate
practice calming strategies
choosing our battles
using calm language
apologizing
finding support
being forgiving of ourselves

See these two articles for explanations on the above strategies:

Parenting Anxiety? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

Losing Your Temper With Your Child? 8 Steps to Help You Stay in Control

I often turn to Psalm 46 when I feel overwhelmed. It contains so many soothing truths. On your worst days, you can start there:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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Gearing Up

John 15:4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Blogging seems like a long-lost friend...like something I used to enjoy when life was manageable. Mentally I am kicking and screaming just a little as I accept that it too must go in the name of learning disabilities and other special needs. If I can write once or twice a week here, I'll be doing well.

I had my state-required homeschooling end-of-year portfolio review meeting with a gentle and quiet Christian homeschooling mother/speech pathologist/portfolio review teacher. She has three boys, one of whom is starting at Akron University on Monday, and another who is 14 with learning disabilities, and another who is 11. I enjoyed my meeting very much. She's a true supporter and would make a wonderful friend, if either of us had the time.

Now on the agenda is planning a brilliant schedule to accommodate four learners and a lot of hands-on, teacher-directed lessons, plus going to therapies and keeping up with housekeeping and cooking. Excuse me while I go hide under the bed with a Hershey's bar and pretend this monumental task didn't need tackling.

Schedule writing is not my friend, but it must become so.

Gearing up emotionally....

The last few years I taught first grade behavior problems had become more prevalent, partially because I taught in a low-income area short on hope and solutions, even though a Healthy Start grant program was in its second year on our campus. All the names of incoming students were put on cards with notes about their previous year. Then we met while the principal and others carefully divided the cards between six first-grade teachers so that no one teacher got all the low ones, or all the behavior problems, etc. This became the new system, in response to the new, tougher kids coming in. The class-composition meeting was always a scary day; I walked to the cafeteria after the buses pulled away, with a lump in my throat.

As I reached out to receive the cards handed to me, I looked at each one with a heart half-expectant, half-afraid. "What does God have for me? Will I be able to handle it? Will it be as hard this year as last year?"

No, I didn't sit in a meeting when God decided what my offspring should be like.

Should they have blond, brown, red, or black hair? Should they be stubborn or easy-going or a mix? Should they be calm or anxious? Should they have hyperactivity, or focus?

If I were filling out a questionnaire for God about my desired offspring, would I have check-marked all the optimum traits? And if so, what would God have thought of me?

Now I'm an experienced mother of four, with four special-needs children, spanning the gamut from learning-disabled to hyperactive to impulsive to pathologically/obsessively fearful, to diseased joints. Soon we'll begin a year of hands-on, teacher-directed lessons in reading (All About Reading), spelling (All About Spelling), grammar (Winston Grammar), writing (Write Shop), and math (possibly Right Start Math, but Saxon has hands-on components as well in the primary levels). Two of my children need this kind of learning because of dyslexia-type issues, and I'm not yet sure about my kindergartner. Paul may need it too.

I don't quite know how I will keep up, along with cooking from scratch, doing the laundry and cleaning, and shopping and going to appointments and doing therapy homework, and coaching children through fears. And being a wife? Don't even ask. I don't even know. I'm completely and totally overwhelmed, and it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other right now.

We changed churches and we've been to the new one the last three Sundays. We all love it and I signed up to help in the nursery, which turned into teaching every other week in the 4-year-old classroom, with Peter's help. Don't ask me how that came about. The director is a smart lady and works swiftly so you don't know what hit you.

Today I read a quick article about an American doctor who was healed from Ebola, after being given an experimental serum. They don't know if the serum helped, or if it was all God. The doctor worked for Samaritan's Purse and prayed during his illness that God would be glorified through it.

I have never, ever left a comment on a news story, but the ten comments left after this news story appalled me. They were 90% negative and/or sarcastic about God, and I couldn't stand that, so I left a comment about how God healed the man because the man directly asked that God be glorified through the illness. And do you know what happened several minutes later?

A man replied to my comment: "So why does God hate amputees?"

If we're handed the tough cards--they can get a lot tougher than what I've experienced--does that mean God hates us? Is it tempting to believe that, when you look around and see others seemingly blessed, and even healed? What stance should we take once the reality of our situation becomes clear? Is the reality really what it seems?

No matter how many times I write a post about this same issue--and I'm sure you'll agree there have been many--I still need to write yet another to sort out similar feelings when I'm overwhelmed anew.

Here's the thing: To God Be the Glory, just like the doctor said.

We will not be overwhelmed when we let go of the outcome and give it to God. If God cares how clean my house is in the midst of homeschooling, he'll put in place the skills and schedule to make it cleaner and neater. He'll change me and my children so we can do more, in less time. If God cares about my Peter going to college, he'll solve the dysgraphia and dyscalculia issues, either through me or in spite of me. If God wants my Mary to start enjoying school and to develop a can-do attitude about learning and facing fears, he'll make it happen either through me or in spite of me.

My part is simple, and even if I had four children completely normal in every way, my part would still be the same. It's the same for the amputee, and for the Samaritan's Purse doctor, and for you, dear reader.

We get up every morning and ask: "Lord, how do you want to use me today?" 

And next..."This day is yours, Lord. How do you want to use it?" 

Romans 6:13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

It's Just Too Hard

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

It's been so easy to get discouraged this summer. I really can't think of a summer that's been worse in terms of hassles and stress and just big life stuff. Mary's anxiety started the season on a sour note, followed by my realization that she wasn't reading as well as expected because of dyslexia. Why didn't I see it sooner? I feel like a failure there.

Now more recently, possibly because of not sleeping through the night, Mary's been very impulsive and gets in trouble frequently, which is not like her. ADHD can show up around this age, and she's showing many signs; she already had signs of the inattentive type, and now I see signs of the combined type (both inattentive, and hyperactive/impulsive). She is very discouraged and suffers from low self-esteem because of her fears and because school is hard for her.

Right now as I type there are two bug containers on the computer desk, both belonging to Mary, who is my naturalist (along with Peter). She's at peace with the world when she's outside, and it's a fight to get her to concentrate when the creepy crawlies are out, waiting to be discovered. The trees and the grasshoppers and the katydids and the snakes don't care how fast she reads, or if she gets her numbers reversed or not. Life is not complicated for her there.

So two large woolly bear caterpillars, her pets, make my skin crawl as I type, though I admit they are quite fascinating. They ignore me and eat their leaves, and two large grasshoppers, in a different container, watch the antics of the caterpillars, or so it seems. Both want their freedom and I entreat my children to keep them only 24 hours, except for one caterpillar of each type for metamorphosis.

But I digress.

I tell my 12-year-old son all the time that his anger and behavior problems are triggered most often by this one line of thinking..."It's not fair." The longer he allows himself to walk along the "it's not fair" bunny trail, the more his anger rises up and gets him in trouble. It's his responsibility to change his self-speak and have alternative positive statements ready, because the negative self-speak is the trigger. People don't have anger management problems, they have trigger management problems (thought management problems).

Similarly, I have felt so often this summer..."it's too hard." It's too hard to have four kids with special needs. It's too hard to have two kids with behavior problems. It's too hard to keep up with everything else and stop frequently to coach someone on their stance against OCD or phobia. I can't be a magician with the budget and a therapist and a special-education teacher, a decent housekeeper, a delegator of chores, a savvy manager, and still have energy to give hugs and smiles and laugh and play as though life is a rose garden. What about when life is one long summer of stinging nettle?

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

I have seen the parallels with what I'm teaching my son, and I know my problem this summer isn't really the dyslexia or the anxiety or the OCD or the behavior problems. It's the..."it's too hard" bunny trail. Biblical teaching and cognitive-behavioral teaching coincide on this point: our thoughts get us in trouble. As Christians, we're to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We belong to Christ so all our thoughts belong to Christ as well. The more we let ourselves go on negative bunny trails in our minds, the further we get from Christ and the closer we get to the enemy, who is the ultimate "thought deceiver".

Cognitive-behavioral therapy says if you change your behavior, regardless of its dysfunctional cause, you can change your outcome. You don't need to sit on some therapist's couch for hours to talk about what a weird upbringing you had, and try to figure out how it messed you up. You just need to change your problematic behavior.

Studies show that those who keep gratitude lists are happier and healthier people. They have changed their behavior (stopped complaining?), and thereby changed their outcomes. It works and the Bible backs it up, but for different reasons. When you change your behavior and keep your eyes on the Lord and not on your regrettable bunny trails, you will have peace of soul and mind. Our outcomes improve as we embrace Christ and his plan.

Does this mean we won't have a care in the world just because we've embraced Christ more? No one will ever lose their job or find a suspicious lump? They might, but it won't matter. It would only matter if we were on the "it's too hard" or "it's not fair" bunny trail, and those trails aren't of Christ.

What is of Christ? That no one should perish; the Lord sets his mind on that. His plan revolves around it and we are instruments in his plan.

That plan, for me, includes having four children with exhausting special needs. What does it include for you? I look around me and I see that being a Christian is never easy. If there's no monumental challenge, what attention and glory does Christ receive? My challenges with my children are an opportunity to let Christ shine. Indeed, I'm exhausted and discouraged because I want to shine and I can't. Discouragement comes from the wrong focus, not usually the wrong footsteps.

My self-speak needs to change, and fast. I'm no good to my family or to my Lord until I can get my thoughts held captive, and embrace and recite some holy ones. I encourage you to get some index cards and write these scriptures down, or print them from the Bible Gateway site and paste them onto index cards. These scriptures are food for life. They are the nourishment our souls crave, and the self-speak our minds need ready at a moment's notice, when the enemy comes by with an enticing bunny trail. Think of these verses as not only nourishment, but armor too.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Weekly Homeschool Wrap-Up: Next Year's Curriculum

I've been in full blown curriculum mode, watching this and that e-bay sale and checking homeschool classifieds frequently. Not everything has been purchased yet, but we're mostly there. Here are our final choices for the 2014-2015 school year.

We school year-round because of frequent appointments, and this year we are adding OCD therapy and phobia therapy that will occur once a week (probably Mondays with 3 back-to-back appointments for 3 children) starting in mid-August until the kids get better.

We will continue with AWANA for the 3 younger ones and Peter, now graduated from AWANA, will help out, along with my husband and myself. No other extras are planned, other than my working in the church nursery once a month, along with Peter. As you'll see below, we'll have our hands very full, and we want the kids to have plenty of down time either outside or inside doing art or whatever they wish.

Our Bible curriculum comes with the Sonlight Cores we purchase, along with AWANA verses.


Kindergarten

Beth, age 5

Description: Loves the performing arts, and art work, a wiggle worm who sits nicely for stories and 20 minute lessons. Not sure about learning style yet, but I'm watching closely. Very sensitive and easily embarrassed, but not shy at all. Can read and spell 3-letter words, can't write many lower-case letters yet.

Reading, Phonics, Spelling, Writing:  Sonlight Grade 1 Language Arts

Math: Saxon 1

Handwriting: Draw Write Now Series

Science: Sonlight Science B (paired with sister)

History & Literature: Sonlight Core B World History Part 1 (paired with sister)

Read-Alouds: Library books as she still loves picture books, and Sonlight Core B books

Second Grade

Mary: age 7

Description: loves nature and the outdoors, loves movement, dancing, music; special issues: mild dyslexia affecting numbers and reading and sequencing days of week and months of year, possibly ADHD--a wiggle worm, auditory-kinesthetic oriented, paper/pencil not ideal (40% of dyslexics also have either ADD or ADHD), anxiety/phobia disorder

Reading: All About Reading Level 2 (using Orton-Gillingham method recommended for dyslexics)

Language Arts & History: Sonlight Core B World History Part 1 and Sonlight Language Arts 1 with Grade 1 Readers (minus the I Can Read It primers, which she is beyond. She can read any decodable text, including compound words, and any consonant blends or consonant digraphs. She hasn't mastered vowel digraphs or r-controlled words, or some other concepts from Level B.) I don't anticipate All About Reading providing enough reading practice, thus the need for supplementing with Sonlight's Grade 1 Readers.

I am not buying Sonlight's entire Core B, but just the Instructor's Guide to build as much of the curriculum as I have time for. I anticipate the basics lasting 3 hours for Mary, and I won't have time for more than an hour beyond that.

Writing: Last year we were using Writing With Ease Level 1, but copywork is not beneficial for dyslexics, so we will use some of Sonlight's Language Arts 1 creative writing assignments and dictation assignments, along with some dictation assignments and narration assignments from the Writing With Ease Level 1 book.

Spelling: All About Spelling Level 1 (Orton-Gillingham method)

Science: Sonlight Science B (with Daddy helping on weekends and brothers helping on weekdays)

Math: Until February we will continue with Saxon Math 1, but supplement with online resources for dyslexics who struggle with math (math dyslexia is called dyscalculia). Starting in February we may switch to Right Start Math Level B, which is multisensory and mostly hands-on, and is good for wiggly kids or kids who need multisensory educational techniques (as dyslexics do).

Geography: A Child's Geography Vol. 1 by Ann Voskamp

5th and 7th Grade (two boys taught together)

Peter, age 12: loves nature and the outdoors and all things science, loves reading and it calms him considerably, special issues: ADHD and OCD, dysgraphia and dyscalculia (both forms of dyslexia)

Paul, age 10: loves math and picks it up effortlessly, very logical and creative, loves art and designing board games, is very left-brained, perfectionist in behavior and work habits; stubborn, special issues: possibly very mild dyslexia affecting letter order in words and word order in sentences, OCD/phobias, ADD (just trouble staying focused, not hyper or impulsive)

Language Arts & History: Sonlight Core G World History Part 1

Writing: Writing With Skill Level 1 (for non-fiction writing) and Write Shop Junior E (for fiction writing)

Math: Teaching Textbooks Level 7 (after finishing level 6)

Spelling: Avko Sequential Spelling (for dyslexics) Level 3 on DVD

Science: Sonlight Science G

Geography: A Child's Geography Vol. 1 by Ann Voskamp