Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today...Sunday, March 20

Outside my window...

It's supposed to be in the 20's tonight. Crocuses are blooming, the grass is greening but still muddy. It snowed today but after a week of spring temperatures, it didn't stick.

Inside the house...

We give the Easter baskets a week early, so right now there's artificial Easter grass and a couple candy wrappers on the living room floor, plus garden seed packets, a garden map the boys are making, and two large baskets of clothes to fold. Welcome to a house with four kids. I'm learning to take it in stride while still trying to keep up and keep them in line. We do devotions after dinner and sometimes, if it goes long, the living room stays messy until morning...because in my playbook late bedtimes are worse than a messy living room.

And I forgot something else in the living room. Twinkle the hamster--belonging to Mary who waited three years to grow old enough to own one--is going like mad on his hamster wheel while I type. What would I do without that noise and the loud furnace keeping me company while everyone is sleeping?

I am thinking...

That I don't like being 50 years old (my birthday was this month). Life is so very short and youth is fleeting, but I had my turn...now it's my children's turn to be young and vibrant and my turn to share wisdom and escort them into adulthood, which is a privilege and a prayer.

I went to the thrift store for spring clothes for the family, and I had to try on short-sleeved shirts. Not attractive once you hit fifty, let me tell you. Older arms develop sun spots and more freckles from all the years of sun exposure in cars and during summers, and skin is less elastic.

I have en elderly aunt here who wears long-sleeved shirts year round because she doesn't like to show her arms. I was 39 when we moved here and my arms were great, so I thought she was crazy wearing long-sleeves in a rather humid summer climate. Now...I get it! I probably won't ever be quite that vain, but I totally get it.

I am thankful...

For the Lord's grace and mercy, new everyday, for my children and husband, for the power of prayer and humility, for the eighth grade boys' Sunday School teacher taking the boys out to dinner and for laser tag (on his own dime), for Mary's Sunday School teachers hosting a fun event also, for the sweet toddlers in the nursery this morning, and the cute 2 year old who told me I was smart (apparently because I did an exemplary job reading Brown Bear Brown Bear to him :)). Children are non-judgmental and easily pleased. Beautiful human beings!

And I'm thankful that Peter is mature enough now to watch the kids while I go to the store. That has been a recent thing and it's going well so far. Hubby and I haven't been on a real date in years and years, so maybe that can come soon? 

What will we even talk about?!

Well, we best not talk about OCD, or money, or car or home repairs, or arthritis, or Donald Trump, or my husband's obstinate elderly father who lately is meaner than Donald Trump. 

That leaves...what? I can't think of a single thing to say. Help me?

I am wearing...

Blue jeans and a plum-colored sweater.

I am creating...

A profile on Care.com because I need a job. I thought about what I can do from home using my gifts and talents and passions. I love nurturing and teaching children and I love writing. Writing for money would require a great deal of time, so childcare it is.

I am going...

I never go anywhere special...too expensive...though special is a relative word. Nature is God's glory and it's free and it's very special...so there's that. The library, Walmart, the thrift store, the Rec Center that hosts homeschool gym, to parks, to the kids' doctor appointments...that's about it. I'm never bored however; every minute is accounted for and every minute is meaningful when you're with kids all day. Stay-at-home motherhood is not for everyone, but it is a purpose-driven life.

I am wondering...if anyone will read this entry? Stagnant blogs get forgotten fast, but I've avoided putting any pressure on myself to keep this up. After nine years of blogging, I've said everything over and over too many times already. Still, this is a pleasure of mine.

I am reading...

Peace Child.. a missionary book I assigned the boys.

I am hoping...

That my children will serve the Lord all the days of their lives and dwell in His house forever. And that someone will need my babysitting services on a part-time basis...because we have Beth's arthritis appointments to keep up with. I have to work around those.

I am learning...

That each day has enough trouble of its own, and enough blessings, too. You'll never know the extent of God's love and care if you don't count your blessings. You'll discover over and over that you do indeed have enough. Discontent melts away and joy prevails.

In my garden...

I love having a garden but I would never call it "my garden". I'm too busy with the house and meals and schooling to take care of the garden myself. Paul and Peter are planning it together this year. The seeds are purchased and now they're plotting the planting times and measuring the ground.

In my kitchen...

The dinner dishes are waiting for me and can I just say I hate dinner dishes? After seventeen years of marriage and fourteen years of motherhood, I think it's time to pass the dinner dishes onto the boys....at least several nights a week.

In the homeschool room...

Mary is reading chapter books and is much more independent with her school work. Beth, who likes school more than anyone else here, will soon be reading chapter books and she's thrilled. Both girls are doing 3rd grade Teaching Textbooks math, which has been wonderful for them. They love it and they're excelling. The TT guys are far better math teachers than I am!

A favorite quote for today...Psalms 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

One of my favorite things...long-sleeved solid-colored classy tees from Old Navy or other famous makers that are tight enough to show you're a woman, but loose enough to show you're a lady. They're the most practical thing to mother in, since I don't do sweats or sweatshirts. I get dressed to shoes every single day and while I don't dress up, I do want to look put together. They go with jeans and jean skirts and can be paired with scarves and cardigans and I love them! And Old Navy fades so slowly..the tees last a long time. Thrift stores are my only option and I jump for silent joy when I find a high-end long-sleeved tee.

From the board room...The board room? Who wrote these prompts, anyway?The kitchen and laundry room are my boardrooms. After twenty years on a clunky desktop PC, I now type on a Chromebook...so I suppose the comfy blue recliner in the living room is also a boardroom.

That's the state of things here, friend. And how are you?

A Word About Politics

Every three to four years I become extremely glued to politics. I did major in political science, after all. Perhaps if I'd come from a politically inactive family, it would have been different, but the truth is, we all invest ourselves heavily in it in my family, sometimes to our detriment. My father is a staunch Republican and my sister and I used to be as well. After her divorce my sister jumped ship on the Republicans, who aren't known for their gentleness or support of the downtrodden.

My mother and step-father have always been militant Democrats and with my sister now following suit, I don't dare bring up politics in my semi-regular email contact with her. I happen to agree with most Republican principles, but mostly I vote Republican because they support the unborn and champion people helping people, which is God's way as well.

I've never been interested in changing anyone's politics, however. I enjoy studying politics, not discussing it. The White House does well to change parties every four to eight years because good government requires a balance, just like a good marriage requires balance. The generous spouse needs to be tempered by the fiscally conservative spouse, or nothing ever gets paid (or saved).

I'm careful to tell my boys--who seem to be developing into Republicans--that they need to think carefully about the issues and come to their own conclusions. They owe no loyalty to their parents in terms of party affiliation or philosophy. I want them to leave our home with their heads full of their own, carefully considered positions.

Paul seems to have inherited the political gene. He spent hours studying the issues and watching the debates with me. His attention to and passion for the process amazed me. I was the same at his age, though I didn't have as many resources to learn from. Young people like Paul--who very early have a passion for the process--sometimes grow up to run for public office, as Marco Rubio did at age 26, winning a local race in Florida.

Paul has a gifted intelligence and a magnetic personality, so we'll see what happens.

When, last Tuesday, Marco Rubio suspended his campaign, Paul and I cried. Marco was our guy--someone who was conservative but loved immigrants, loved the unborn, admitted when he was wrong, openly spoke about his faith, loved his family, worked and fought hard, and spoke with vision and hope.

The next morning, March 16, I knew that I had to help Paul move on. He had gone to bed the night before still in tears, depressed.

"I didn't know politics could be so depressing," he offered as I kissed him goodnight.

It truly can be, as so many Americans are feeling this season, with the rise of Donald Trump. Perhaps I don't need to say...we align ourselves with the NeverTrump crowd.

Here is what China thinks about Trump. He's making enemies globally, and he's not even a nominee yet.

I shudder to think of what's to come, but as I told my son...our hope is not in politics. It's not in a single person, either, or in a single political party.

We can trust the Lord in all seasons. He puts leaders in place and we can trust his plan. The Republican party may not have a plan right now, but God does. We can trust that no matter what, He loves us and works all things for our good, for the good of those who love him...who are called according to his purpose.

It's good to know the issues, to know the candidates, to know the process. It's good to exercise the privileges open to us as citizens of a republic. We are blessed to be a part of this great nation. If we are losing any of our greatness, it's because we've taken God out of our lives, not because we have bad trade deals or open borders. The drugs, the addictions, the panic and hopelessness, the emphasis on jobs and the economy over morals and decency? These loom so large because God has become so small to us. Trump can only look like a savior to those who don't know what true Hope is. It's not in negotiation or in isolation. It's not in the empty, contradictory rhetoric of a bully.

Hope is Jesus Christ, resurrected, his blood shed for all, his presence in Heaven preparing a place for all who believe.

Remember, we are citizens of Heaven first...followers of Jesus Christ. We can't put aside our Bibles and our prayers for any season. They ground us in Him. They help us remember to whom we really pledge allegiance, above all other people or interests or passions.

God willing, someone will be sworn in as President next January, appointed by our Almighty Father. And no matter who it is, we can wake up and smile, knowing the Lord is our strength and our song.

Psalm 27:1 “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

He Knows

He knows.

Do you ever think about that deeply, when life seems uncertain and scary?

I'm guilty of forgetting.

Sure, Bible verses comfort me. I always print a list of them when I'm feeling sad or overwhelmed or scared, and they definitely ground me. They're a regular part of my spiritual armor, but I still forget God's all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present love.

Several weeks ago we noticed the carpet soaking in the hallway, so my handyman cousin came over to investigate. He tore open drywall and cabinets, attempting to locate the source of the water, to no avail. Finally, he suggested it was under the slab and would require a jack hammer, and us moving out of the house for a couple days. We prepared to hire a leak detection company to listen for water under the slab with specialized instruments.

Slab leaks can cost a couple thousand to several thousand, or more. As you can imagine, the news was devastating and scary. I was spending time I didn't have watching DIY plumbing videos, trying to find answers.

Meanwhile, the leak soaked towels day and night, and we couldn't find any pattern or trigger for the water, and mold was a real concern. The stress of it aggravated my son Peter's disorders.

Life felt heavy and miserable, but I tried to count my blessings anyway, rather pathetically coming up short.

Then, last night during family devotions the Holy Spirit really spoke to me. We were weighed down unnecessarily...by choice. Fretting is always a choice. 

Our entire lives are made up of choices. Good and bad things happen to all of us, everyday. In each case we have a choice as to how we will respond. The hallway plumbing leak was a spiritual test, as are so many things we go through as Christians.

We could either be devastated by the leak and the potential cost, and spend inordinate amounts of time trying to solve it, stressing each other out in the process, or we could go on with our God-ordained tasks, walking by faith with joy and humility, doing what was necessary regarding the leak, but nothing more. We could take it in stride as just another adventure as servants of Christ.

I'm sad to say we did not respond admirably, though some days we did better than others.

On the day I was waiting for a call back from the leak detection company--who wanted to charge nearly $400 for their detection services--I received help from the Holy Spirit, during family devotions as I stated above. I could feel the tension in everyone. We were grumpy, worried, and had trouble counting our blessings.

The Holy Spirit spoke to me, but this time not in a verse, so much as in a concept. God knows.

The Holy Spirit whispers the simplest things, but when given at the right time, they seem monumental. God knows?

Oh, yeah. Of course he does.

I let that knowledge soak in, and then I reminded the rest of the family that God knows. He knows the source of the leak. He knows what's in our bank account. He knows our days are already full. He knows we can't live with flowing water and mold in our hallway. He knows, and he works all things for our good.

He knows the outcome of every challenge, so we don't have to. We can just trust and obey, cause there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, then to trust and obey.

The need to know and to control the outcome is what drives our fretting.

After we realized that...the spiritual test was nearly over. We were a little late, but we got there. God knows.

Something miraculous--or so it seemed to us--happened after devotions that night. The kids began brushing teeth because it was now bedtime, and my husband, on a whim, went into one of the bathrooms and drew the water from the toilet tank with a large cup. He emptied it out as much as possible, and put a "do not use" sign on it. This idea, after weeks of consternation, and my cousin coming up empty after demolishing and investigating. My cousin is fairly knowledgeable, but not a certified plumber. He knew enough to buy a fixer upper home for cheap, to gut it, and start from scratch remodeling it. It's now a beautiful home with high-quality workmanship, so now the extended family always uses his expertise whenever possible.

Until I started watching DIY videos, I knew nothing about plumbing, and my husband knew the minimum. Still, the next morning we discovered that the leak had stopped. The towels laid on the hallway slab were dry, and the wet spots on the interior wall were slowly drying, allowing me to tackle the mold before we redid the drywall. We would still have to spend money changing out the toilet and redoing drywall, but the spiritual test was over and it didn't cost the bundle of cash we feared.

I feel both very relieved, and very foolish. A simple fix was somehow kept from our consciousness--and my cousin's--because God wasn't interested in our comfort or in our leak. He was interested in our hearts. He wanted us to be able to go through hard, scary, inconvenient things, and still praise Him, and still rejoice.

God's people all through history have gone through much harder things than a hallway leak. They've been held captive, ridiculed, persecuted, and killed. They've been afraid, overwhelmed, in pain, and in each case they did not immediately know the outcomes.

If we let go of our need to control the outcomes, we can concentrate better on having a godly response to our circumstances. A godly response is what brings God glory, and isn't that what we want as servants of God...to bring him glory?

Hard to accept isn't it, that God's not concerned about our comfort? Yes, hard, but I'm so glad he cares about my good, about my heart, about my usefulness, more than about my comfort.

Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for making it about me. Thank you for showing me that I always have a choice in how I respond. Help me choose what is better. Give me a grateful heart...one that considers it pure joy when I face trials of many kinds. Help me to live for you and your glory.

In Your name, Amen.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

Why Do We Want More?

We are never satisfied, you know that? It's a sad, sinful fact of human nature, and one of the main reasons Christ had to die for us.

God gave Adam and Eve all they could want and more...and what happened?

They wanted more.

The Pharisees were respected, privileged members of Jewish society...and what happened?

They wanted more. More power than Christ, even. They were so green with jealousy that they essentially killed the Jewish Messiah, whose coming was foretold throughout the Old Testament.

Make no mistake...they knew, and they didn't care. (They didn't know he was the Son of God...just that he was the Messiah.)

Wanting more is evil. Let's call a spade a spade.

Dear God, forgive us.

We are Adam and Eve and the Pharisees. We want more and more, even though You promise to provide. We want more things, more recognition, more power, more security, more of just about anything that feels good.

Why? Why does the serpent have such an easy time tempting us? Do we not count our blessings enough? Do we fail to say thank you? Do we fail to enjoy your presence often enough?

Yes, all of the above.

Dear God, forgive us. Fill us with gratitude so we're thirsty for you, not for more. May we rise above this wretched earth in our thoughts and emotions, and may we bathe in the security of heaven.

The only answer is Thank you. Our response to the Gospel needs to be a heartfelt Thank You. Thank you for dying for us. Thank you for loving us while we were still sinners.

My homeschooling friend and I were sharing that over the years, we've felt elated when the tax refund finally came, because in our one-income lifestyles we desperately needed it every time. Soon, repairs and necessary purchases eat it up. It's all gone and we're deflated. No more cushion. No more security. Back to living by faith, payday to payday.

Why the sadness over the loss of a cushion? God always provides, cushion or no. Yet his faithfulness is not enough for us. We want more than He provides. More of what we don't need, but merely want for our own glory.

I wish I could excise this from my life once and for all, but I can't. I can only recognize it sooner and ask for forgiveness sooner.

I will never stop needing the Gospel, and I can never stop thanking Him for it.

1 Timothy 6: 6-8 Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.

Luke 12:15 And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Proverbs 11:24 One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want.

James 4:3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Learning Something Big

There are a lot of upsetting things happening and I haven't had the heart to write. I can't tie these upsetting things into a nice, neat bow, and say that God's grace is ever-present and it's all okay. His grace is still there, but it isn't okay. I keep looking for normalcy to return, but I'm not sure it will. We might be adjusting to a new normal.

Our son Peter is extremely difficult to deal with on a daily basis. His OCD is still pretty bad, and with it comes rages. This is not uncommon with OCD, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm on Amazon looking for anger management books for teens...I'm praying and counseling and trying to hope, but he seems so selfish, so self-absorbed, so angry, so ill. I know he's suffering, but somehow I think the rest of us are always suffering more, at his hands.

There have been major plumbing issues and other home maintenance issues plaguing us for weeks, so every day brings something different. Some days, I'm not sure plumbing is a blessing. It gets pretty complicated and suddenly carrying water indoors seems easier.

Any disruption of routine is always a huge factor in the worsening of both OCD an ADHD, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how awful life feels right now.

Last week my 93-year-old father-in-law fell on his driveway while checking his mail, so my husband is in Florida, having arrived the day after his father's partial hip replacement, which was a high risk surgery due to congestive heart failure. My father-in-law made it through the surgery with a steady heart rate throughout, which was a big answer to prayer.

The sad thing is, he only behaved decently to my husband for about the first three hours of their visit. Now my husband is stuck there until Wednesday with a incredibly cranky, insulting father, who just can't be nice for anything. My heart is so sad for my husband. I've prayed that my FIL would tell his children that he loved them just once before he died, but it looks like things are getting worse with his attitude, not better.

My FIL knows he cannot continue to care for himself, which is huge. Last time he fell, he went against medical advice and moved back into his home, after defiantly leaving the rehab center. He refused all medications and now, nearly three years later, his heart is functioning at 20% to 30%, depending on which doctor is talking. He is dying of congestive heart failure, but there is no massive swelling, so I don't think he is in the final stage.

My husband is looking at rehab/nursing homes, and trying to get his dad to cooperate with decision making. All this with little help from my sister in law. Her dad has treated her so badly, she doesn't want to spend any time with him, though earlier this week she called him for the first time in seven years. He was on a lot of morphine at that time, so the conversation wasn't that painful.

I understand why she made the decision not to visit her father. I know from my own experience that a parent can inflict surprisingly deep pain, and at some point you have to stay away to stop the internal bleeding it causes in the heart.

And you know what? I think God understands this. I don't blame anyone for abandoning, so to speak, an abusive parent. Abusing someone is sin, and we don't have to participate in someone's sin. Sometimes mental illness brings on the abuse and maybe that should be handled differently--perhaps not seen as a choice--but even then, I don't blame someone who needs to get away from the bleed.

I will try to go to my mother when she is near death, but I won't go expecting anything miraculous. I will go because end of life is just that...the end. We need to say I love you once again. We need to say thank you for being my mother (father) and taking care of me when I was young. At the end of our abusive parent's life, the wounds they've caused won't disappear, but they'll be tied off at the ends, hopefully.

Forgiveness is an ongoing exercise, and you're successful at it if you just keep going forward, even if a couple steps back occur occasionally.

When I think of my FIL's life, I am so saddened for my husband and his sister, and for their dad as well. Here is a man who was faithful to God as a Christian in many ways, and yet he couldn't love. He never had a model of love growing up, and suffers from some kind of attachment disorder from having been raised by a mentally challenged mother and no father. Then, too, there was the OCD, which clouded his vision of Christ's love.

As soon as his two children took their first breath, they were destined for pain at the hands of their father. Life is beautiful and tragic all at once.

I keep looking for God to redeem the tragedy of the story here, but it isn't happening. It's a good thing the Bible teaches us that life here is fleeting.

For all my little troubles (yes, I know they are little), I can't help but learn something big.

Sometimes, things remain ugly and untidy here on earth. Ashes don't always morph into beauty, even with Jesus on the job. They stay ugly and grey and hopeless. It's hard to accept, but don't be taken by surprise if it happens to you or someone you know.

But we can still rejoice because of...

....Heaven.

Heaven redeems all pain. Our peace here often depends on how high we can get our thoughts. Can we get them up into heaven, where there is no more mourning, no more pain?

God asks this of us. He allows trials because of this. A glimpse of our final resting place is available for us even here. We just have to get our thoughts high enough, far enough above the fray.

Working on it, friends. I'm working on it....