counting them again--and a prayer

A short list of blessings.  Tired tonight.

- Blueberry picking today with homeschool friends.

- Mary telling me so sweetly, "I really like picking berries with you, Mommy."

- Beth's passion for all things berry.  She was either eating them from our picking containers while being carried, or wriggling out of our arms to eat some from the bushes. All told, we picked twenty dollars worth.  I guess the farmer still made out.  Beth sure livened and lightened things up.

- Husband and wife cleaving to one another more than ever, in response to our circumstances.

- My boys--again in response to our circumstances--learning to pray in earnest.  Husband went on an interview recently.  A decision will be made soon, so much prayer happening here.

- Baby Beth naming body parts and flirting with me instead of falling to sleep.  Frustrating, but a blessing nonetheless, to have special time with her.  I read that at eighteen months they begin to resist sleeping.

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This next matter is not a blessing--just something I'm trying to figure out.  I'm horrified sometimes at the difference between how I feel on the inside, and what I project on the outside.  I adore being a mom and wouldn't change anything.  And yet, I yell.  Not all day, certainly.  But enough that I feel frustrated and sorrowful.  I want to be a pleasant aroma, projecting all my positive mom feelings onto my family.  But I'm soooo busy!   Just getting a drink of water sometimes is a challenge.  I apparently need to put tape over my mouth to remind me to be slow to speak.  Otherwise, I don't know how to keep my spirit quiet.

Repeating myself wears on me.

"You forgot to put your pajamas in the hamper."  Five minutes later.  "Your pajamas are still not in the hamper."

"Who forgot to flush the toilet?"

"I can't get that drink yet...still hanging clothes from the dryer."  Three minutes later.  "I'll get the drink in just a minute. I still have some things to hang."  Five minutes later.  Yelling now, "I said wait!  You're being rude.   They'll get wrinkled if I don't finish; it's an energy waste to keep fluffing them."

Having an ADHD child around means there's often no breathing room.  He follows me to the bathroom even, to either ask for something or tell me something.  ADHD children have an insatiable desire for adult attention.  I've taken to locking the bathroom door.

Anyhow, my job is to love them, point them to Jesus, and help them develop independence and confidence.  For their part, the goal is remaining well cared for ( primarily the boys).  Surely they must suffer from this wishful-thinking point of view: "Getting my own drink is not nearly as fulfilling as being served."

My daughter is much different in this regard, by the way.  She craves togetherness, but also independence in everyday living matters.

I need to revamp the chore list, obviously, and stay on schedule myself somehow, to keep those boys on track.

Lord, thank you for making me a mom.  I love you, and I love being a mom.   Help me have a gentle and quiet spirit, no matter how many times I encounter an unflushed toilet.  May they know how much I love them, despite my frustrated demeanor.  Flood them with grace for their imperfect Mommy.  And flood me with grace for their childish ways.  We're in the same boat....needing you for everything...for every success.  If I must remain so flawed, please use my flaws to point them to you.


In your precious name, Amen.


Please pray for Shannon today, from the Exploring Holland blog.  She is feeling isolated, on top of everything else.