An Open Letter to Unhappy Christian Wives

Dear Unhappy,

I want to express my sorrow about your marriage grief. Grappling with complicated relationship issues can be so overwhelming. Please enlist people to earnestly pray for you.

I believe in the Body of Christ concept that we are all One Body. When one person in the Body suffers, the whole Body suffers. Because of this fellow believers need to rally around hurting members and lead them to the Healer, who has all the answers. I pray these words will reveal what God wants for you and for your family.

I understand that in response to your sorrow, the D word has entered your life. The question of divorce is heart wrenching but surprisingly uncomplicated, from a Christian perspective. This is due to the very narrow allowances in scripture for divorce. God tells us for our own good, and for the good of the Body of Believers, that we mustn't get divorced except in cases of adultery, or when an unbelieving spouse abandons a believing spouse. See http://carm.org/what-does-bible-teach-about-divorce for the relevant scriptural references and for questions regarding remarriage.

If neither of these--adultery or abandonment--apply to your marriage, you cannot get divorced without disobeying God, though if you are being abused and are unsafe in your home, leave the premises as soon as possible. Physical distance from the abuser is extremely important.

If you choose to disobey God and pursue a non-biblical divorce, you must weigh the consequences for you, your children, and your husband. God will surely forgive you if you sincerely seek his forgiveness at some future time, but you must be truly sorry for having left your marriage union, and as part of heartfelt repentance, you must seek reconciliation with your spouse, if he has not yet remarried. At the very least, you must seek your former spouse's forgiveness.

Also, scripture does not allow for you to remarry. If you try to seek a relationship with a sincere, growing Christian man, he will want to know the circumstances surrounding your divorce. If it wasn't biblical, only a marginal Christian man would be interested in pursuing the relationship. A mature Christian man would not seek to defy God.

Secondly, you will complicate the developing faith of your children (and your husband's faith, if he has any), as they watch you defy God and try to make your own way in the world. When we disobey God we are stepping outside of His protection--essentially saying we know more than the God of the Universe does. We can handle our problems better than He can. 

That all sounds overwhelming, doesn't it? No one increases their personal peace through non-biblical divorce. Many people will be spiritually hurt by the divorce and possibly for generations, it will spiritually stain your family. Children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced themselves, and second marriages are far less successful than first marriages (80% divorce rate, compared with 50% for first marriages), especially in the cases of non-biblical divorces from the first spouse.

What would be better than divorce? Making Jesus your Lord. This means he runs all aspects of your life, and you live for him and serve him, out of an overwhelming gratitude and love for Him and what he has done for you. If you have lost touch with that radical love for Jesus Christ, pray that God will renew the fire in your heart. 

When you live with a non-believer or with a person who doesn't pursue a relationship with God, it can easily drag you down spiritually. You need to be very diligent to keep the fire in your heart alive, by reading your Bible and praying regularly. Every time we open our Bible or pray to God, it renews a relationship. It nurtures and protects a beautiful bond. When we neglect that time with God, Satan gains a foothold in our lives.

Divorce is Satan's most successful tactic. Over time, it can destroy a society. Satan breeds discontent in the hearts of believers and the discontent leads to sin. If the believer doesn't put a halt to the discontent and embrace thankfulness instead, Satan wins. 

When you accepted Jesus as your Savior, you became his. He paid the ransom for us--he brought us--and if we never receive another blessing at all, we have enough. God is enough. Eternity is enough. When we deceive ourselves into thinking otherwise, great pain is in store for us. 

Every wife has a laundry list of things she doesn't like about her husband. Every husband has the same. Many of the items can be heartrendingly difficult to endure, without Jesus as Lord. But as in all hardship, we must remember that the Christian life has never been about us or about our happiness. It is about serving Him and bringing Him glory. By enduring hardship in a god-honoring way, we bring glory to Him. In fact, how we endure hardship defines us as Christians. 

When we set our minds on the things of the Spirit (keep our eyes fixated on God), whether we are happy or not on a daily basis becomes irrelevant, as it did for the Apostle Paul when he was in prison.

Romans 8:5-8 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. 

For more on what the bible says about hardship and sacrifices, see this http://www.openbible.info/topics/sacrifices_and_hardship

I urge you to start a thankfulness list for your life in general, not just for your marriage. Satan hates thankfulness but God loves it. We are told many places in scripture to live with a thankful heart...even when circumstances are less than ideal.

1 Thessolonians 5:18  give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

You will find that a heart of thankfulness will increase your marriage happiness many fold. You will concentrate not on what's wrong with your spouse, but on all that's right. Eventually, if you commit to having a grateful heart, all the reasons you wanted to seek a divorce will pass away in importance. 

Rest assured that if you make Jesus your Lord and develop a grateful heart, He will diligently work behind the scenes, creating beauty from ashes. Your own heart, devoted to the Lord, will win your husband over. Nagging makes most people dig their heals in deeper rather than change, because as human beings, we seek unconditional love. It's only when we feel unconditionally loved that we give our best to others. 

Give your husband the gift of unconditional love, for it is the same gift your Father gave you. Jesus loved us sacrificially and this is the same love he requires from us, for our fellow man. 

The Bible tells men to love their wives, but it tells women to respect their husbands. Men need to feel respected, more than loved. I think it's accurate to say that respect is love, from their perspective. It is part of the way God created them. When we nag or complain, we are not showing respect and it hurts a man at his core. 

So, giving a man a list and asking him to change is the worst thing we can do. Also, it is arrogant, since we are all sinners and we all need to change. We will never be all that a spouse wants. We can't be. And no spouse can meet all of our needs, which is why we need personal relationships with God, the ultimate and perfect Lover of our souls. Our marriage relationship can't define us. Our relationship with God defines us. 

Change starts in our own hearts and with our own humility, especially in the context of marriage. If we set our gaze on God and on His purposes, the overwhelming peace emanating from us will be contagious, and all in our midst, including our spouse, will want what we have. The Bible tells us we win over a wayward husband by the reverence of our lives. And what is complaining and putting conditions on our love and devotion? Is it reverent?

I'm not saying you shouldn't lovingly pursue conversations about marriage issues, but they should never be associated with the D word (divorce). Throwing the D word around is akin to bullying one's spouse. To be fully engaged and committed, each spouse needs assurance that the other spouse is in the marriage for life. This level of commitment is essential for the health of any marriage. 

All issues should be committed to prayer before being discussed with the spouse. The prayer will reveal, over time, how to approach the spouse about the issue, and it will prepare the spouse's heart to receive feedback about the issue. Let prayer guide your marriage entirely. For prayer is your communication with the Holy Spirit (and to a lesser extent, your time reading the Bible is too). Reading the Bible reveals God's heart to you, and praying helps make God's heart personal to you and your needs. You will know God's perfect and pleasing will, through your prayer time and your reading time.

Again, I express my sorrow about what you are going through. I pray these words will point you to the Healer. To your first Love. May God richly bless you, your family, and your legacy.

My Own Thankfulness List:

- a beautiful time with Christian friends

- a marriage molded by grace

- a dinner invitation given to a neighbor

- the radical nature of Christ's love 

- that change always starts with us

- a hernia surgery scheduled for next week and no money required up front

- a son practicing piano

- dancing daughters

- the Chronicles of Narnia series

- dinner time with my family

- the meat, milk, eggs, bread prices at Aldi's

- the power of the Word 

- 4 days of caring for babies at VBS this week

- my children's contagious excitement about VBS

- Miss Beth's first time at VBS 

To read about the outcome of this letter for the person I wrote it to, click: Unhappy Christian Wives, Part 2

Another helpful post: 3 Christian Marriage Essentials

The Body of Christ, Part 2

agapegeek.com

Today I present Part 2 of my Body of Christ series. Before I get into a practical discussion of our function within the Body, I want to lay some Biblical goundwork for the Body of Christ concept. This will be the heavier reading but please plow through for me, until we get to Part 3?

The Church, referred to in the Bible as the Bride of Christ and the Body of Christ, is made up of all people who've been born again through faith in Jesus' blood. You may live near and work with people from different denominations, but if you're all born again, you are part of the Body of Christ. 

1 Corinthians 12:12-14
Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

Last year I did a study on the Lord's Prayer and we learned that the beginning words "our father" were used for a purpose; we're not individuals, but members of One Body, and we're to pray and act as such. 

From a previous post: The Lord's Prayer, Vol. 1 Both the words Father and Our point to a familial relationship. When we become a Christian we are grafted into the Body of Christ (the Body of Believers).  We are brethren to one another and God is our Father.  It's important to regard our membership in the Body seriously, for it carries a responsibility. We must always be looking and working toward the good of the Body, our Brethren.

Philippians 2:4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Mark 12:31 The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

For example, when we sin, it not only harms us, but the whole body.  We are not to be individual operators, but rather, operate as a cooperative body--spending time in fellowship with one another, praying for and with one another, helping one another in need, building each other up, admonishing in love when necessary.

What does Christ want his Bride (The Church) to be like? Ephesians 5:25-27 describes us as "without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Revelation 19:7-9 tells us we will be "clothed in fine linen, bright and pure--for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints."

How is the Body of Christ to operate and care for itself? Scripture points to a number of ways, but mainly we must 1) meet together 2) serve, love, and pray for each other 3) hold one another accountable 4) dedicate ourselves, as One Body, to Christ.

1) We must meet together:  We know from Hebrews 10:24-25 that we are to "spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together."

Hebrews 10:24-25

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

2) We must serve, love, and pray for one another. Each member has gifts to contribute to build up the Body:

Mark 12:31 The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Ephesians 4:11-12  “So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.” 

Ephesians 4:16 
From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Here you can take a spiritual gifts inventory to find out what your spiritual gifts are, taken from this widely accepted list:

Administration:  The ability to organize resources and persons for effective ministry.

Community Builder (Apostleship): The ability to help create koinonia, that unique type of inclusive fellowship which characterized the early Christian church.

Discernment: The ability to recognize and to affirm the skills, talents, and spiritual gifts of other people, especially other Christians.

Evangelism: The capacity to discern when and how the Gospel message should be communicated to persons outside the Christian community.

Exhortation: The capacity to inspire, to motivate, and to encourage others in their spiritual formation and personal ministry.

Faith: It is the special gift whereby the Spirit provides Christians with extraordinary confidence in God's promises, power, and presence so that they can take heroic stands for their future of God's work in the church.

Giving: The capacity to manage one's own resources (income, time, energy, skills, and gifts) in such a way that there is more than enough to share with other people.

Hospitality: The ability to meet the basic social needs of and to extend care to persons (strangers) beyond one's immediate circle of friends.

Knowledge: The capacity to cognitively comprehend the complexities of God's Truth and to explain these complexities to others.

Leadership: The ability to understand one's own principles and vision, to communicate those principles and vision to others, and to challenge others to move into the future, all in a non-reactive way.

Mercy: The ability to identify with and to feel the pains and hurts of another person and the capacity to help that person move beyond those pains and hurts.

Prophecy: The capacity to receive, to reveal, or to interpret God's Truth, publicly, no matter what the consequences or risks.

Shepherding/ Mentoring:  The ability to affirm, to equip, and to support other Christians in spiritual formation and Christian ministry.

Helps/Service: The ability and overwhelming desire to aid persons in need. The ability to perform the most basic acts of kindness as a means to glorify God and to embody the Gospel.

Teaching: The capacity to create an environment in which obedience to God's Truth can be practiced.

Wisdom: The capacity to convincingly illustrate the mystery of God's Truth in very concrete, practical, and specific ways.

3) We must be accountable to one another.

We mustn't associate accountability with confrontation, for accountability is essential to us in our infirmities. The verses I've listed below admonish us to:  help our friends when they fall; defend each other; teach and admonish each other; submit to one another; be truthful with one another; confess our sins to each other; and pray for each other.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:12
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. 

Colossians 3:16
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 

Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Colossians 3:9-10

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

4) We must dedicate ourselves, as one Body, to Christ: 

Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices (to give up your pursuits as an individual, and live as One), holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

That Weird Header Photo

Okay, so I wrote a post earlier today telling you that I had more to share about the Body of Christ. As a header for that post I chose a picture of a puzzle and I previewed the post before publishing it. It published fine with the photo I wanted. But when I got back into my blog later, a completely different photo existed at the top of my post. A weird, completely unfitting photo. Sorry about that and I have no idea how it happened. I published the post again, this time with no photo at all.

Just wanted ya'll to know I'm not crazy! Most days, anyway.

The Body of Christ, Part 1

My last post, Are You Isolated From the Body of Christ?, asked these questions:


How does the Body of Christ share burdens it doesn't understand? How can we make ourselves vulnerable, when we know understanding isn't there? Can we just share our neighbors' burdens in love, but never really put ourselves out there?


I contemplated this while I washed dishes, folded laundry, and drove my Beth to physical therapy. What's expected of me...of all of us...Lord? What should the Body of Christ look like, practically speaking?


No answer came, until I got back from physical therapy. 


Picture it, my three year old is having a fit as I carry her into the house, crying because swim therapy on Tuesdays and gym therapy on Wednesdays is a lot for her atrophied but starting-to-revive muscles. She's exhausted and irrational and I'm hot and headachy from a 28-minute van ride sans air conditioning.


My husband has a special arrangement to go into work at 5:30 AM on Wednesdays so he can come home for a few hours and watch the other children while Beth does her Wednesday session. Tuesdays I bring them all with me.


So husband's home when I get Beth into the house, but he's rushing to get on the road to his second job. He quickly informs me that the secretary at his church job mentioned today that she may lose her insurance soon because she and her husband "might have to get divorced". 


Concerned, he took the liberty to tell her that his wife saved a marriage recently by writing both parties a letter, and maybe I could help her? 


Husband doesn't know the issues but asked me if I would call her and talk with her about the issues? 

Talking on the phone with strangers who are not from utility companies and insurance companies and doctor's offices, always panics me because I'm shy. My three year old is still fitting and needs lunch and my husband's old friend Jim and his wife are supposed to stop by tomorrow on the way to Yellowstone, so the house needs to be in nice shape before Thursday afternoon.


Don't I already have my hands full and how I do find the time to help this woman? And who says she even wants help? Casually mentioning she may have to get divorced is not necessarily a plea for help.


But none of this actually made it out of my mouth because the Holy Spirit suddenly gave me a beautiful picture of what the Body of Christ should look like. And all my objections melted away and as I carried my three year old to the couch to nurse her and calm her down. 


I said to my husband, "I will do what I can to help, but remember I'm a writer not a talker. I never could have helped the other couple outside of a letter."


How it will work with the secretary and her husband, I don't know. But I have a clearer picture of the Body of Christ to share with you...later this week.


Please join me?

Are You Isolated From the Body of Christ?

Right now especially, I'm so thankful for this intimate-sized blog. Something significantly personal happens at times and it's so hard to talk about it with the people in my midst. Being able to write it out here and having the Spirit speak to me while I write is such a godsend. And there's some safety in small numbers and in fictitious names and in the "delete blog" button that's always at my fingertips.

It's as though God ordained a small audience for me, knowing just what I need to endure and thrive.

Saturday morning I went to a Vacation Bible School planning meeting at the church my children go to for VBS and AWANA. I'll work the nursery this year and watch all the helpers' children.

Two other women joined me at the meeting--the children's director and one of her regular helpers. Since it was intimate other topics came up, such as the helper's eight-year-old girl having raging, scary fits on a regular basis--even harming her 11-year-old brother. This mother is completely overwhelmed and has withdrawn some from church and fellowship.

I didn't say much during the meeting, though I did sympathize with the stress caused by a child's extreme behavior, since we're no strangers to it.

As she shared I could see the defeat in her demeanor and I understood on a personal level the tendency to withdraw during times of excessive stress. The children's director gently encouraged her and explained that we cannot mature in Christ fully without the Body of Christ alongside us. The Body of Christ is designed to pray for us, strengthen us and share our burdens, and we're called to reciprocate. In the process, everyone grows in Christ.

The director suggested she could meet with us regularly, much like we had that morning, to pray for each other and share burdens as necessary. It was more of a suggestion to think about than a direct invitation. I smiled appreciatively but didn't respond just then--the other woman doing the same. Meeting anyone on a regular basis is so hard, since my husband works six days a week and wants Sundays just for family.

But that isn't the only issue. While one of these ladies could understand my parental struggles, neither of them could understand the rest of my life. As I listened to them talk and noticed that money is never an issue for them, it was clear we may as well be on different planets--these ladies and me. And they know our financial situation is poor--we attended there for awhile, right after my husband lost his job in 2009.

Sharing burdens with them wouldn't work, but not because they aren't nice ladies. They are.

Sunday morning I worked in the nursery at my own church. For a few minutes I was there with just the children's coordinator and she chatted and asked what fun things we were up to and had we gone anywhere for vacation?

I must confess, her question took me off guard and I responded awkwardly by just shaking my head and smiling. No one knows our financial situation at this church, which we've attended just shy of a year. A few know Beth has arthritis, but that's the most intimate thing we've shared (in a small prayer circle).


How could I explain that no, we haven't gone anywhere, and we never go anywhere. It's not like I can say my husband recently lost a job. That was over three years ago and we were fairly low income back then too.

I can't pretend like I don't want to go anywhere, because in fact if we had some money I would take the kids on historical field trips every summer.

I just never answered her question, really, except with a head shake. She sensed the awkwardness and changed the subject. Yes, I felt stupid but no acceptable answer came to me at that moment.

How can anyone understand my unique situation, especially given that poverty makes even the most socially-secure individual uncomfortable? So uncomfortable, in fact, that avoidance is the next step--ask all those who lost their jobs in the past few years and fell into poverty. People begin to avoid you after awhile. It's not out of meanness, just awkwardness. They can't think of anything to say.


This children's coordinator, married and a mother of three, has money and it doesn't appear she's ever known financial hardship. But for the record, I wouldn't want to be her. I wouldn't want to be anyone but me, and I wouldn't want a different path right now, because this one is growing me beyond belief. I see eternal value in all the lessons.

I'm not ashamed of our poverty-level lifestyle, but I also can't explain it. My husband has some neurological issues and some vision issues that make it very hard for him to take on any responsibility, such as that which brings a decent income. However, he's college educated (Bible college degree and a year of seminary); he talks like it and acts like it and people expect more from him. His difficulties are subtle, but truthfully, most of the jobs in the paper would overwhelm him, even if training were provided. He can study and learn new information easily, but has disabilities in applying any of it.

I didn't know this when I married him because at that time, as a single man, he was far less overwhelmed.

I saw what mattered most to me--spiritual maturity and a long obedience in the same direction with the Lord. And of course at that time I loved teaching and thought I'd do it forever. It never dawned on me that we'd only have his income.

That first baby in my arms changed me forever.


When I said yes I would marry him, a voice in my head warned: "You must understand that this man might never be more than a custodian, and that has to be okay with you. You must never hold it against him or nag him to be more. Let him live in peace, as his wife."

That voice didn't scare me, but I also didn't quite believe it. Now, thirteen years later, I do believe it. I've been true to what was asked of me--he knows I love him unconditionally and as my husband, he has peace. He's got other demons, but I'm not one of them. I have no trouble embracing all that is wonderful.

He's told me many times I can write about anything I want--he's got nothing to hide. He doesn't read blogs and I doubt he's ever been the slightest bit interested in this one.

However, this will be one of those posts I delete after a couple weeks, for the sake of my children's privacy.


Yes, God ordained this marriage and this path for me, but I can't explain it or allow incriminating details to spill out, such as my husband and I have no insurance because he only has two part-time jobs, not a full-time job. How could I possibly do that? People expect these bad situations to improve over time, and this one might never improve. The reasons for our lack of upward mobility must remain private--something between husband and wife.

We've prayed and it's clear I'm to remain home for now, despite hardship. Beth's diagnosis last summer confirmed yet again that I'm a keeper of the home, a comforter and teacher of my children.

People will judge if details are spilled, because that's what people do, unless they've walked in your shoes. Sad, but true, and it's precisely why all forms of suffering exist. So that at just the appointed time, someone who intimately understands your suffering, will be ready to give that hug. That affirming word. That total acceptance.

But for those not in my shoes, there will be questions--probably unspoken ones. Why doesn't she get a job and put those kids in school? It's such a simple solution--why don't they see the writing on the wall? Or why doesn't she work as a teacher and he can stay home with the kids? Why should those kids be covered by medicaid, when she's perfectly capable of getting a job? (Well, I would have to take classes to convert a California credential to an Ohio credential. And graduate classes are expensive and require time I don't have, and getting a teaching job is hard for anyone, since universities in some locations put out too many teachers...so getting more than a minimum wage job isn't so easy, anyway.)

Never mind that when all four of my children are part of my homeschool, the district (state) will be saving the $40,000 a year they spend on every four public-schooled children (yes, about $9,500 per child per year).

But enough of that.

How does the Body of Christ share burdens it doesn't understand? And how can we make ourselves vulnerable, when we know understanding isn't there? Can we just share our neighbors' burdens in love, but never really put ourselves out there?

Later after church, I thought of something I could have said to the children's coordinator about what we've been doing and where we've been. "We have no disposable income, so we stay close to home."

It's simple, with no details that would bring judgement. I've decided it will become my standard answer, when anyone asks a money-loaded question.

My husband has his own methods for coping. He never asks any man what he does for a living, so he doesn't have to answer the same question. Not that being a custodian is the worst job around--it's just that people expect more from my husband. They assume he's a professional and they always look shocked when he tells his occupation.

Learning disabilities are tragic in that most of them are silent. When disability has a face--like Down Syndrome--no explanation is necessary. Expectations are low and patience high. Not so with most learning disabilities.

We're both praying and trying to figure out this Body of Christ thing. Especially right now, after being invited to a home Bible study with two other couples from our current church--well-off couples who would never get us. The kids heard about it and want to go. We can't let poverty define our children so we'll probably say yes, but being there, for husband and me, will just feel isolating--putting us more on the fringe while people talk about their dinners out and their vacations and their $700 a month spent on private school.

And having us there? It will make them uncomfortable before long, like they have to monitor what they say.

Are we supposed to help people get over the poverty of wealth? Help them see that there are starving children in Guatemala who need their Olive Garden and four-star vacation money? Is that why we're being thrown in with wealthy people so often now?

That message would be about as welcome as Jesus' message was in his home town.

Now it's your turn. Have you ever felt isolated from the Body of Christ? How did it turn out? Do you agree we can't fully mature in our faith outside of the Body of Christ?