Calm Parenting Secrets: Christian and Mainstream

A concussion follow-up appointment yesterday revealed some bad news, most of which we expected, based upon my son's on-going symptoms. He cannot concentrate on anything, either academic or in play, without getting a headache behind his eyes, often accompanied by blurred vision. Even being read to requires a concentration that gives him a headache. He loves to read and be read to, so without that in his life he feels a sense of hopelessness, as do I. His condition requires a nerve-wracking and depressing brain rest. Only complete boredom is available, for even playing Lincoln Logs right now bothers him, as does painting a simple watercolor picture.

The Children's Hospital neurosurgery department revealed that most children have no symptoms two weeks after their concussion accidents, and we're beyond the two weeks. Not all concussion patients lose consciousness, but if that does happen, the concussion tends to be worse. My son did lose consciousness for less than a minute, so his concussion is probably between mild and moderate, but patients with pre-existing health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, can take longer to heal and can suffer from Post-Concussion Syndrome, with some symptoms lasting up to a year or more.

I knew all this from my research, but I was thinking positively, hoping for some miraculous reason they would take off his neck brace and give him an okay to do an hour of school a day, or say something resembling hope.

But no, in addition to all our other appointments, I have to take him back for an MRI to check for a sprained neck (requiring either surgery or extended time in the neck brace), and I have to take him for a two-hour appointment at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic to have him checked for lingering signs of concussion (concussion is labeled Traumatic Brain Injury). If there are no lingering signs, he would probably then be referred for a vision evaluation with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

He no longer confuses time and place and his long- and short-term memory seem completely intact. The day after the concussion he underwent cognitive testing and could not repeat five random numbers. I tested him briefly yesterday and he could repeat up to seven random numbers, so I don't expect them to find lingering signs of concussion, except for the headaches, trouble concentrating, and blurred vision.

I don't have to tell you that I left that appointment yesterday in a sorry state of mind. My son is driving all of us crazy with his boredom, and we all wish we could go back in time and keep him out of that tree. Never have any of us felt so desperate to erase something.

After purchasing The Total Transformation by James Lehman, I became the fortunate receiver of regular and excellent parenting emails delivered as a newsletter to my inbox. I learn something valuable every time I click on them.

Guess what I learned today? A calm parent raises calm children. Yes, the stress around here is all my fault (being facetious), even though my frame of mind is normal under the circumstances. I don't know what we're about to face or how long the discomfort will last. I do know that speech appointments, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appointments, excessive ear-wax appointments, eye appointments, anxiety-disorder therapy appointments, ADHD/OCD medicine follow-up appointments, and your standard dental and winter-illness doctor appointments, fall just short of doing me in as a homeschooling mother.

In case you also deal with that overburdened feeling, I want to go over a couple Christian calmness techniques, as well as some standard psychology techniques for controlling our emotions and reactions.

First, the Christian perspective:

Think Purpose and Plan: God's ways are not our ways. When circumstances like excessive appointments, or a tough diagnosis, or seasons of life overwhelm us, we need to get over ourselves and keep our eyes on God and his plan.

Occasionally I'm blessed with comments from strangers, such as "Your children are so polite and well behaved. What is your secret?" The other day a lady followed me out of a consignment shop and said the above to me, smiled at my children, and then offered me a large bag of clothes her teenage son outgrew. She was as sweet as could be. Paul smiled and joked with her over the "what is your secret" question with "Mommy gives us a lot of milk."

These encounters occur in doctor's offices or thrift stores or grocery stores, but always, they surprise me because my children can drive me nuts in doctor's offices, grocery stores, and thrift stores. These are not calm outings for me--my kids being the creative, overactive types. But somehow, passersby see something that I miss. We are God-followers and that makes us different than about 75% to 80% of America. When God is the center of the family, it shows, even when we're overwhelmed and overburdened.

All our appointments get us out into the world and when Christians are out, they shine. God makes them shine--it has nothing to do with what we've done right, but everything to do with God's power and grace.

So the first Christian technique for remaining calm is to remember that God has a plan. While that plan may make us uncomfortable, it serves a greater purpose and we need to trust in that.

Think Servant of Christ:  Not only do we have to trust in God's plan, but we need to be a willing servant, or instrument in his plan. We live to serve God, not the other way around. He saves us and loves us and sustains us, and much is required of those who call him Father. We have been given salvation instead of endless suffering; in gratitude for that we give up our lives for the Lord. Whoever loses his life will gain it. Our best life comes from serving our Father, not ourselves.

Luke 12:48 ESV But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 17:33 ESV Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

I want to save my life by getting back to routine, starting school, getting a chore and errand chart going, having fewer appointments, etc. I want to restore sanity, but God wants me to learn to smile amidst the unknown and unchartered.

Think Psalms: Need I say more? Psalms sooth and remind and teach, and give us a divine hug.

I also find it helpful to use standard psychological helps, such as:

knowing our triggers
knowing what we can and can't control
distinguishing between fear and facts
digging for the root of anxiety
staying in the present
finding better ways to communicate
practice calming strategies
choosing our battles
using calm language
apologizing
finding support
being forgiving of ourselves

See these two articles for explanations on the above strategies:

Parenting Anxiety? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

Losing Your Temper With Your Child? 8 Steps to Help You Stay in Control

I often turn to Psalm 46 when I feel overwhelmed. It contains so many soothing truths. On your worst days, you can start there:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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Discipline Makeover: The Total Transformation

Back in February of this year I purchased The Total Transformation Program by James Lehman. Having heard about it on the radio for a couple of years, advertised for ADHD kids and others, I decided: what did we have to lose?

Husband was skeptical. He's away from 7 am to 7 pm so he doesn't deal with much discipline. He sees how it is for two and a half hours every night and during the weekends (he works 5 hours on Sat. too), but that's far from living my reality. I'm the one who needed to own the problem and looking ahead to the teenage years, I knew we needed help. A high percentage of prison inmates have ADHD and I wasn't about to add my child to the statistics.

James Lehman, incidentally, was in and out of prison for seven years before being ordered to an accountability workshop by a judge, which turned his life around and led to 30+ years as a therapist. I'm grateful, because his work on this program has changed things dramatically for our family. I'm a parent with tools and knowledge and my child is on his way to true maturity.

Before purchasing, I learned from their website that the $300 charge was fully refundable if parents filled out a survey about their experience with the program, returned within 180 day of purchase. The program was ours to keep; only the survey had to be returned. You can purchase this program used on e-bay far cheaper, but not with the perk of having telephone conferencing with their counselors for one month, for an extra $10. Also, if you purchase from e-bay, you get no money back by doing a survey.

Let me say at this point that this is a personal blog, not a business-oriented blog, and I'm doing a review of this product entirely because I want to help people discover strategies and resources. I don't generally do product overviews or reviews. This write-up has nothing to do with the company from whom I bought the product; they are unaware I'm reviewing it and no compensation will be offered.

Why Do Kids Misbehave?

Normal kids misbehave when they're tired, or when the family is unduly stressed, or when they're hungry, or when we, the parents or teachers, have created a developmentally inappropriate schedule or expectations. Later, when hormones are an issue, there could be an increase in misbehavior.

Some kids develop serious and on-going behavior problems because they are not taught to solve problems effectively. Parents never take on the role of coach/trainer, so kids are lost in terms of dealing with their anger, handling problems at school, with siblings, with parents, with all aspects of life. They are lost and because of that, they are very frustrated, very angry. 

Children with challenges are more likely to need direct, explicit teaching and coaching to learn problem-solving techniques.

Some kids have challenges that make them feel different, or unique. These differences could be learning disabilities, physical handicaps, or things like ADHD, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, Tourette's Syndrome, Oppositional Defiant Disorder--anything that makes them stand out in their minds.

This feeling of being unique makes them think the regular rules of life don't apply to them--that somehow they are going to get a pass on all expectations.

Some begin to think everything is unfair, and they will almost always blame someone for their misbehavior (teachers, siblings, parents, police, etc.). If you watch closely and take notes, you'll see that they have devised strategies for taking the focus off their behavior, and putting it on others.

James Lehman has identified 16 characteristics and practices of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior, after 30 years of working as a counselor. Simply listing the 16 characteristics and practices here won't help, as an explanation is necessary for each. I don't want to copy too much of his personal work here, but I will name several that my own child displayed.

1. Injustice - I noticed that Peter would often argue over a discipline consequence, stating that it wasn't fair. He had no reason for it being unfair. There was no logical reason, but in his mind, it wasn't fair. It was a cognitive distortion--a faulty thinking on his part.

2. Victim Stance - Peter would reject that he was responsible for his misbehavior, seeing himself as a victim of circumstance or whatever. Again, this was a cognitive distortion, not grounded in reality. It was a strategy, like number one above, to avoid the mature act of taking responsibility for behavior and accepting a consequence without incident.

3. Anger With An Angle - Peter would display anger with the intention of escalating it until he saw fear or confusion or panic in a parent. His hope was that the parental fear or confusion would help him negotiate a lesser punishment, or gain him another advantage. This rarely resulted in a dangerous situation, but in reading about it in the workbook and hearing about it on the tapes, I did recognize it as one of Peter's strategies.

4. Wishing - Peter, when asked what he would do differently next time, would always come up with vague answers: "I'll just try harder...do better...get it right next time." This indicates that a child does not understand how to plan for a different response or outcome. They think that magically, next time the outcome will be better, without any planning or problem solving on their part. They don't mean to lie here, they just have no clue.

5. Put offs - From James: "The youth will repeatedly put off any activity, task, or responsibility that interferes with what he wants to do at that moment. Pressure to get him to respond is met with abusive, obnoxious behavior, or inattention and silence.

Peter is/was never as bad as some of the kids characterized in the program, but I knew that if we didn't change things, he would become so. Your child doesn't have to be a delinquent for this program to help you. The program is more geared toward teens, but very applicable to any child 7 or older, especially if the behaviors are already serious. Basically, if the issues are ongoing with no improvement, you need help, either from a therapist trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy, or through a program like James Lehman's, which is a cognitive-behavioral therapy approach.

I really like that I can listen to the audio CD's over and over again, and read the workbook multiple times over the years as needed as I raise my family, whereas with a therapist, once the sessions are done, I have to try to remember all that I learned. And the cost? No comparison.

Parents can contribute to behavior problems, or create behavior problems, by using ineffective parenting styles:

 ~ Bottomless Pockets (overindulging kids, being manipulated into giving kids things, using material things to placate a child, not knowing how to differentiate wants and needs, give money and luxuries instead of having kids earn them)

~ Over-Negotiator (negotiates already established rules because a child got upset, allows child to negotiate endlessly, re-negotiates contracts when child can't meet commitments)

~ The Screamer (gets drawn into screaming matches with child, ends up making excuses for own behavior instead of focusing on child's, winds up giving in out of remorse over own behavior)

~ The Ticket Puncher (makes excuses for their child's behavior, blames teachers, neighbors, and other kids for their child's misbehavior, perceives their child as a victim and feels they need to defend their child, minimizes their child's hurtful or irresponsible behavior)

~ The Savior (thinks he or she is the only one who understands their child's behavior, protects child from school discipline or legal problems, sides with child, despite the facts, as form of unconditional love, predicts child will not turn out okay if people don't listen to parent's views)

~ The Martyr (takes responsibility for child's getting up in morning and personal hygiene, lowers expectations so child can feel successful, protects child from feelings of unhappiness or distress)

~ The Perfectionist (sets higher standards for child than his teachers set for him, suspicious of child for unknown reasons, reads child's mind to detect negative attitudes, fears child will get cocky if he is successful, compares child to idealized child in parent's imagination)

Behavior Management

James gives the parents tools for behavior management, including age-appropriate and time-appropriate consequences. There are many (27+) tools, and again I can't copy too much of his work, but I will list those tools that helped me the most:

1. Accept No Excuse for Abuse: State this firmly and clearly whenever an excuse is offered for abusive behavior. Do not negotiate this axiom. This applies to abuse of any family member, friend or guest. Although self-defense is not abuse, self-defense that abuses other people (that goes too far) is abuse. I stated this daily at first "There's no excuse for abuse" whenever Peter called a sibling a name, whenever he spoke harshly to a parent, etc. It didn't take long before abuse became rarer.

2. Direct Statements: When you want something to happen, or to stop, be firm and clear. State: "Don't talk to me that way. I don't like it." If it is bedtime or homework time, say it firmly. "Go to bed now." Or shut off the computer screen, etc. and say, "Do your homework." Some kids don't respond to cutesy bedtime requests or vague non-commands. Be unemotional in your direct statements. Don't give lectures or reasons, just give the command.

3. Disconnect: Cut off communication and contact immediately if a child is being disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive. Turn around and walk away. Communication should end until the child takes responsibility for his behavior. In other words, don't get into it with your child. Never productive.

4. Stop the Show: If the inappropriate behavior occurs in the car, pull over at a safe spot and order the adolescent outside for a minimum of five minutes to regroup. If the teen refuses, turn the car around and go home. If this occurs in a public place or someone's home, tell the teen to come out to the car to talk about this. If he refuses, go home (modify for younger kids who can't be left somewhere).

Peter, despite knowing our tight budget, tends to beg for gardening tools and other hobby things in Walmart and other stores, as though I can rob a bank whenever he wants something. He is impulsive and the idea of waiting until he has his own income drives him insane. I don't give in, but that doesn't stop the begging. I only take him to the store a couple times a month, and I am prepared now to stop everything and take him home the next time he doesn't heed the no-begging rule, after one reminder. He doesn't have public fits, mind you. I just can't stand begging. It's rude, disrespectful, and he needs to gain control over his impulsivity so that when he has his own money, there's enough to actually make his rent and bills, and it's not all wasted on payday, which can happen to untrained ADHD kids. They need explicit, systematic life-skills training.

Peter has expressed during the course of this training that it's very difficult to take responsibility for his behavior. He's even asked how other people do it so easily. Growing up is painful in some ways, I told him. You have to choose to do hard things. That's how you grow up. By choosing to. I want him to be able to take responsibility, someday, for his family's well-being, financially and spiritually. I want him to lead his wife and take responsibility for mistakes in his marriage, at his job, with his children. I want him to be a man. 

That all starts with taking responsibility for his mistakes now, as a tween. It starts with accepting punishments quietly, without argument and serving them faithfully, without trying to negotiate. Merely saying I'm sorry is not taking responsibility for wrong behavior. It goes beyond that, to faithfully serving out all the consequences, both imposed and natural, if applicable.
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If you have any questions, feel free to ask away. There is more to the program, such as how to walk your child through alternative responses to triggering situations, but this has gotten long. All the best to you in your behavior management!

Escorting Children Through Anxiety (And Surviving Yourself)

Whether it's anxiety brought on by circumstances--a medical diagnosis or procedure, or a significant life change like the death of a loved one or a divorce--or the brain's unreasonable, disordered response to normal life, most children will experience anxiety at some point in childhood. They need a parent to be right there, escorting them through it because anxiety is not just fear. Rather, it's a bodily response to fear that blocks out common sense. Thunder can't hurt you--that's common sense, but it's lost on your anxious child and repeating it over and over only makes your child feel abandoned, rather than comforted.

If it's merely a childhood fear (sometimes the case before age 7), then maybe explaining the science of thunder is in order, but if your child is inconsolable, then you know you're dealing with anxiety, not fear.

This whole process can make us feel helpless as parents, so it helps to clarify our role. We're not there to convince her she's being ridiculous. We're there to hold her hand and love her unconditionally.

My job is to accompany my child along this path that God has chosen, while pointing her toward Him. I am not the crutch, but the escort to the throne of Grace.

What every suffering parent needs to know:

1.  This is not your fault. This disorder is a result of the sin curse, and something that right now, God is choosing to allow in your lives.

2. You and your child will grow closer than ever as you walk through this together. You will both feel intense stress and doubt and pain, but you will experience them together and the shared experience will bond you uniquely. Your relationship will be both deeper and sweeter, and for that you will be thankful.

3. You will recite the 23rd Psalm over and over, and every Psalm about fear will speak volumes to you. Anxiety is a spiritual battle as well as a physical one so fight it with the Word.

4. You cannot fear and pray at the same time. So pray and then pray some more. Together. Keep your role of escort always in mind. You must teach your child to take all her burdens to the Throne of Grace, and never has she been more desperate to do so than now. Take advantage of this training opportunity and escort her to the Throne daily. Both of you close your eyes, and slowly talk her through that walk to the Cross, where you take off all the burdens you've been carrying, and drop them at the foot of the Cross, where all the healing begins.

5. Anxiety is part of your (and your child's ) story and you are not writing it. God is. So trust Him for a glorious outcome because he only writes glorious outcomes. Repeat that over and over, with your child. Use a more child-friendly sentence, if necessary.

I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious. 
I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious. 
I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious.

6. Whatever your child is anxious about right now, don't project it into the future and expect disaster. Take the circumstances one day at a time. This too shall pass is definitely true for the specific fears, if not for the anxiety disorder itself.

I have escorted a child through elevator anxiety and separation anxiety, both of which are gone now, but were intense at one time. The disorder hasn't gone away, but the different manifestations have. So don't assume if there is driving anxiety right now, that your child will never learn to drive, or if it is thunder anxiety, that your child will never leave the house on a cloudy day.

7. If your child's quality of life has slipped considerably, consider medication for anxiety, even if only for a season. Realize that in the lowest doses available, your child probably won't deal with side effects. Most doctors will start with the lowest dose available, rather than go by the weight of child, but if not, demand the lowest dose to start.

Studies show that when difficulties such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, and bipolar disorder are not diagnosed and treated, children and teens are more likely to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs and get into unhealthy behavior patterns, which persist into adulthood. Find out what is going on with your child by taking him or her to the doctor as soon as a problem arises, and especially if it is still present 6 months after onset. Most conditions have to be present for 6 months to meet diagnostic criteria.

Disregard the unhelpful, judgmental opinions you might receive regarding medications for children (from extended family or friends). No one can truly know what your child and family are dealing with, or what you have already tried as remedies. Sometimes medication allows a child the courage needed to start over and halt all the negative thinking and self-talk. Medication gives them a fighting chance to beat the disorder. They still have to come up with coping skills, but they need a calmer brain to start that process.

8. If anxiety runs in the family, realize that this may be one time you need medication yourself, especially if exercise and proper sleep have not worked to improve your own anxiety. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, because watching a child go downhill emotionally and physically is extremely painful and terrifying. It affects both their sleep and your sleep, exhausting both of you physically as well as emotionally. You must also keep up with caring for the rest of the family, along with the house and meals. Your children will take cues from you, and if you are completely angst-ridden, you will only increase their anxiety, and that, in turn, will make things worse for you. So put your own oxygen mask on, so to speak. If you have definite bodily signs of excessive stress and anxiety, see your doctor.

9. You and the affected child should share a gratitude journal. Write in it at the same time every day, perhaps right at tuck-in time, to make the bedtime transition easier. Your minds need to dwell on God's power and faithfulness...on what is right and beautiful in your lives. And don't forget to give thanks for your relationship!

10. Educate yourself about anxiety disorders, especially those in children, including age of onset. Find books appropriate for your child to help him understand what is happening to his body and mind. He needs to know he is not going crazy, and that this is not his fault. Balance the reading of Scripture with the reading of technical books, so that your child understands that God has ultimate power over everything, including the brain. Siblings can benefit from hearing the information, too.

11. Let your church know that your child and family need prayer. Don't keep this hidden. Nothing good can come from shame or a false smile. Again, watching a formerly happy, healthy child go downhill is extremely painful. You really do need prayer, my friend, as does your child. So put out the word.

12. If anxiety is causing weight loss, arrange to always have your child's favorite foods on hand, so that on good days you can sneak in some extra calories (being careful not to let your child use food as a form of manipulation).

What has worked for your family in dealing with anxiety? How has God weaved anxiety into your story?

Mom's Boys: A List

You know you're raising boys when...

... you wake up to find a monarch caterpillar in your face, because your son went outside for just a second to check on his garden, and just had to show you the first monarch caterpillar of the season. They're awfully pretty, yes, but my face. I just can't take creepy crawlies in my face, no matter how vivid the colors. God did choose beautiful, vivid colors for so many creepy crawlies, I freely admit.

...your nerves are rattled by your son's baby corn snake that keeps getting out of the tank. It was last found in Daddy's sock draw, and you wonder how your nerves will handle it when it's up to five- or six-feet long and still getting away. He's okay looking now, but oh my, he's getting fatter and longer fast. And those frozen pinky mice will soon be real live furry mice and oh my, why did I ever say yes?

...your son, anxious to make his own money, thinks of breeding feed crickets one year, and snakes the next. That's right mom. Keep saying no and reminding him that he can work in a pet store the day he turns 16, and in the meantime he can mow lawns.

...you hear one of your boys exclaiming over an interesting-looking beetle he brought inside to show off. While you put on your make-up, you listen with mild amusement, until you catch a glimpse of it, and say..."Could that be a June beetle!?" The thought of it getting away from the kids and buzzing by your head as you read by the lamp at night, sends shudders down your spine, so you tell them to take it outside ASAP, because the buzz of June beetles has always given you the creepiest creeps.

...your kitchen counter regularly displays two or three small bug containers, one of which, today, has a loose lid that you notice at night when you finally have time to clear off the cluttered counter. Is that how the tiny inch worm got into the pan that is drying on the counter? All boys being asleep, you sigh deeply and put the pan outside the front door to be dealt with in the morning.

...your two boys and your husband go to the park in the late, humid, hot afternoon, returning right at dinnertime. After you're all seated together at the table, your five-year-old daughter suddenly says, "What's that smell?" To which you reply with a twinkle and a wink, "boys in summertime."

...your boy gets out of the shower and you walk by and shout..."Did you wash your...?" And he says oh and has to get right back in.

Don't get me wrong, I couldn't do without these boys and I'm so proud of them!

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