A Housewife Gone Astray

It's Saturday morning. A few hours of heaven on earth in my life. Yes, I still have chores, shopping, and cooking weighing on me (ain't that the truth even on our birthdays and on Mother's Day?), but there is no exact deadline, other than hungry stomachs.

As a homeschooling mom, Saturday did have perks for me, but it's different now. Now it's a huge relief, like the last contraction of an unmedicated childbirth, or like the last hundred yards of a marathon.

Yippee!

And Sunday afternoon and evening? They've changed too. The stress starts to build as I run around, getting the house ready for the next day, knowing that if I don't use my time wisely, I could be up until 2 AM cleaning and planning lessons or crafts. I used to get the Sunday blues as a public school teacher, too, toward the end when I had a lot of behavior problems and dreaded the weeks.

Because non-paycheck moms don't live under intense time pressure (excepting those with kids in a lot of programs) it's easy to get too relaxed and waste time. Poor time management makes it difficult to be a blessing to our families. If we fail to listen to the Holy Spirit's prodding on this, God will correct us in uncomfortable ways.

He promises to make us a spiritual success so we can finish the race. He promises. We need only respond.

I'm about to reveal a sin in my life and encourage you to avoid the same path and stay on higher ground.

Are you ready?

I would recommend every stay-at-home mom make a list of her typical daily pursuits--not how the days would ideally go, but how they actually go. Then, analyze the list to check on your time management. Did you spend two hours on Facebook or surf the Internet too long each day? Did some other guilty escape occupy too much of your time?

Don't be ashamed, but do give this to the Lord. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, but he does desire a responsive heart.

Prior to being forced into this babysitting job, I was spending too much time reading political Internet news. It became a habit that I justified in the name of being a responsible voter in an election year. But really? I was failing to put things in God's hands, and I admired one political person too much, reading everything I could find on him. Twenty to thirty minutes of news a day was probably appropriate, but I let it get out of hand and I didn't respond quickly enough to the Holy Spirit's prodding, or I responded inconsistently--doing better one day and falling "off the wagon" the next.

I'm ashamed before God. I served myself, not my family. It haunts me that my having to babysit is somewhat of a punishment or a correction. I didn't appreciate enough my status as a stay-at-home mom. And in a sense I didn't fear the Lord.

Staying at home to care for a family is a privileged position, not a right. 

To whom much is given, much is required.

I feel utterly exhausted most days and there's not much pleasure in my life right now. There's a lot of dread. I'm not bitter, but I am very, very sorry. God is using this time in my life, creating in me a purer heart, giving me a greater desire to be a godly mom and wife, instead of one who feels entitled and eats the bread of idleness.

Dealing with hard physical or emotional issues can cause us to seek guilty escapes, and those escapes, unchecked, can prove costly. Sin is always costly. It is forgiven, but still costly.

God promises to give us an escape route when we're tempted, but first, we have to recognize and acknowledge our sin. Escape routes mean nothing to a person in denial. 

Live in the light, God commands. Don't hide sin, acknowledge it and let yourself be purified.

God knows women. He knows what reminders we need. Our culture would have us believe men and women are the same, with the same capabilities and faults, but God doesn't seem to teach that.

Titus 2:3-5  Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Proverbs 31:26-31 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. ...

The Proverbs 31 woman, by the way, is not one woman. We can't all be great at everything. It's more of a list of admirable qualities we should pray into our lives. If you read it as a description of one woman, you'll surely get discouraged and give up.

A godly woman keeps a quiet time to center herself on Him. She gives the day's troubles to her Master. Like Mary, she says "Let it be to me as you say. I am the Lord's servant." She is unselfish and generous. She takes care of herself, but she doesn't indulge herself. She doesn't feel entitled, but grateful. She loves with her time, with her prayers, with her words and with her body.

When referring to God, godliness means perfection. But in humans, godliness is a submission, a humility...an acknowledgement of our complete dependence on the Savior and Master.

Our behavior is telling, though. It's an accurate picture of our spiritual state. We are told to look for fruit. When our time here is up, we won't be judged on the way we wanted to behave, but on how we actually behaved.

That's why I advise...take an inventory of how you spend your time. If you find error, there's a heart issue that needs revealing and cleansing. Every sin starts with the wrong attitude of heart.

Working moms are forced to be more time-efficient (unselfish with their time). They have a boss and multiple deadlines, at home and at work. A stay-at-home mom can potentially get more done, spiritually and relationally, but only if she lives each day as though God were watching.

1 Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

I trust God in this, and I don't believe life will be this intensely hard forever. I thank Him for not giving up on me, and for loving me enough to die for me and remake me into His image. 

In the meantime, there are two children who come here for 45 hours a week. If my heart is right, I can introduce the Lord to them and encourage their parents, who really have their hands full with some high-needs children. 

Has the Lord ever corrected you with a major life change? Did you recognize it as such, and how did it come out?

Maundy Thursday and Easter Week With Kids

The bread is rising in the oven, the kids are breaking from school for a quick, invigorating basketball game out front. I'm staring down laundry baskets of clean clothes that need to be folded before our guest comes tomorrow to accompany us to a noon-time Good Friday service.

Such are the goings on here, about 2045 years after Christ celebrated a last supper with his disciples, at which he washed their feet. Maundy Thursday, it is called.

The word Maundy is derived from the Latin word for “command.” The “Maundy” in “Maundy Thursday” refers to the command Jesus gave to the disciples at the Last Supper, that they should love and serve one another. 

John 13:6-10, John 13:12-17

(Jesus) came to Simon Peter. “Lord,” Peter said to Him, “Are you going to wash my feet?”
Jesus replied, “You don’t realize now what I am doing. But later you will understand.”
“No,” said Peter. “You will never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you can’t share life with Me.”
“Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet! Wash my hands and my head too!”
Jesus answered, “A person who has had a bath needs to wash only his feet. The rest of his body is clean. And you are clean. But not all of you are.” - John 13:6-10

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” He asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord.’ You are right. That is what I am. I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet. So you also should wash one another’s feet. I have given you an example. You should do as I have done for you.

“What I’m about to tell you is true. A servant is not more important than his master. And a messenger is not more important than the one who sends him. Now you know these things. So you will be blessed if you do them. - John 13:12b-17

It's so easy for the tyranny of the present to thwart parents' desires to disciple their children. Our young people need fed, clothed, and directed to clean their messes. Tables need set, cleared, and dishes done, trash disposed of, showers and baths taken, pajamas gathered, hair combed...and the list goes on. 

Satan counts on us being too busy to do what's most important as parents. He'll throw us curve balls when we serve in the church, get ready for church, drive to church, endeavor to pray with our kids, pray as husband and wife, and conduct family devotions. He manages to make us too tired, irritated, stressed, mad, and overwhelmed. He causes our children to be uncooperative, nasty to one another, full of complaint. 

Don't let him win during these next four days, which are the most important historically speaking for our faith. Without Maundy Thursday we don't have the second most powerful example of humility ever known to man. Without Good Friday--the blood, the cross--the single most humbling event mankind has ever witnessed, we are nothing. We have nothing. And finally, without the resurrected Christ, the aforementioned blood and crucifixion death mean practically nothing--merely another event in history. 

The Resurrection is everything to us. Everything. And you can't teach the resurrection story well without starting with Maundy Thursday as an introduction. 

I urge all of us to make the most of the next four days, for the glory of God. Don't let the chocolate bunnies and treasured baskets be the only things that stay with them, creating anticipation year after year. 

Do it all in remembrance--out of gratitude and awe, not as ritual, however. We can't let them leave our homes in adulthood without intimate knowledge and awe of the Resurrected Christ. We only have so many years to shape their hearts and lives...and then they're gone.

Resources:

An explanation of Maundy Thursday (Got Questions.org--for parents)

The Creator on His Knees...Preparing for Maundy Thursday (Desiring God blog--for parents)

Maundy Thursday Lesson for Young Children (a Christian mother's blog)

Childrens Lessons for Maundy Thursday, upper and lower grades (Children's Church Bulletins.com)

Do Your Children Understand Easter? (Focus on the Family, five mini-lessons offered in pdf)

Holy Week and Easter Activities for the Whole Family (Focus on the Family)

Happy Easter to you and yours! I treasure your friendship and enjoy our communion in Him.

Blogging as Therapy

There's never time enough, it seems, for a mother to take care of her own needs. Blogging (journaling) is a form of therapy for me, but it crossed my mind over the years that maybe if I blogged less, the house would be cleaner and I would be more organized and stay organized. Not to mention, get more sleep, since most of my blogging is a late-night event. I wondered...if the house was cleaner and I was more organized, and well-rested, would there be less stress around here?

Well, no.

The last ten days--ten days of no blogging--have been extremely stressful, though not without blessings. My son Peter's moderate-to-severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has us in survival mode. A cluttered house is so. not. the. problem.

Ten days is the longest I've gone without blogging since my first blog post on December 16, 2007. I started on another blog with our real names, and switched to this anonymous blog after two years.

Why is blogging so therapeutic?

The answer for me is that as I write, my jumbled thoughts line up in a neat row and clarity comes to me. The Holy Spirit's teachings then penetrate my heart better.

Some of you know that I cut off contact with my functioning alcoholic mother nearly two years ago, and after that I learned about the set of characteristics common to ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). Any adult who grew up with a toxic parent would share at least some of these characteristics (listed below), whether alcohol or drugs were involved or not.

Adult Children:

...guess at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (I think this particular characteristic is more seen in severe alcoholism with abuse present as well. A couple neighbor children here display this compulsive lying. It's surmised that these children can't handle the truth of their situations, so they make things up to create a better story. If this persists over time, they lose the ability to easily discern what is lie and what is reality, and they have a harder time managing lies because they've told so many.)

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

I regularly feel the pain of several or more of these characteristics. And unfortunately, the more I realize how crippled I am by these, the more I hate my mother's choices and how they affected me and my brother and sister. Forgiveness is so not a one-time event. The only way I can keep praying for and forgiving my mother and step-father is to imagine them as babies and toddlers, unaffected by dysfunction and unable to inflict pain. Their combined choices were very, very costly for me and my siblings.

While I didn't become or marry an addict, as some adult children do, I did marry someone who I felt needed rescuing (classic codependency). I do love my husband and am committed to a life-long marriage, but that doesn't mean I got into this for the right reasons. We are low-income because of my dysfunctional choice. My children suffer because of my dysfunctional choice. I suffer because of it. God in his graciousness, however, had me stay single until I both became, and met, a Christian. That my husband is a Christian is an act of incredible grace toward me and my children. 

An elderly, mostly house-bound neighbor came over to use the phone last week. He said he watches my children play in the front yard and he can't believe how happy they seem. It's true, not just a kind comment. They are happy. Not all the time, due in large part to inherited anxiety disorders, but they know how to have fun. They are not growing up in a dysfunctional home, which is tremendous progress for my family line.

Our friend Dean, over for dinner to do more drywall for us, stayed for family prayer and said in his prayers that our house is full of love. Having bipolar himself, he knows something of the angst inherent in mental disorders. He knows our struggles, but he still thinks this house is full of love.

That comment, too, reminded me of the enormity of God's grace in my life. A house full of love? What could be better?

What's missing is an acceptance of self. Call it self-love, if you will. I'm a grateful person, not inclined to focus on the negative, except when it comes to me, personally. I give myself so little grace.

As a Christian, it's necessary to realize that God doesn't erase consequences of sin. He showers us with grace, but the final fix comes in heaven. That doesn't mean that our dysfunctional starts have to define us, however. When it comes to healing our personal wounds, it doesn't matter so much why we're in pain, really. It usually isn't helpful to lie on some couch and talk about the past. Cognitive behavioral therapy is all about changing thinking and behavior. 

Therapy is helpful in identifying the cognitive distortions involved in personal pain. Going forward, when I feel pain and turmoil, I'll look at this list and try to identify what distortion matches my current thinking, and try to emerge from its oppression.

Here are the most common distortions therapists see in their practices, and if you've ever experienced anxiety or depression, you probably have some of these distortions going on, though depression can be strongly chemically based as well.

I hope something on this list helps you. My son Peter and I have both found them helpful. They aren't anything like the Holy Spirit's influence, but I think psychology can certainly complement Christian teaching. It just can't replace it or overshadow it.

The Lord saved me, and he introduced me to true love. I am rich with love. Now, if only I could show kindness to myself.

All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

Preparing Our Daughters For Lifelong Marriage Part 1

No doubt you're sick of hearing about the Duggars by now, but I really want to encourage mothers and wives by giving a Christian perspective on Anna Duggar's situation, and speak on how we can prepare our daughters for marriage and for a life of faith. Should we really "teach them to breathe fire" and would that prevent heartbreak in their lives?

In this first piece, I will deal with just the beginning portion of the worldly sentiments presented in the letter featured below. In another piece, I'll write on the breathe-fire portion.

Kirkland, a mother of two girls, recently wrote a Facebook post that went viral, detailed here and excerpted below:

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren't given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don't have to marry a man their father deems "acceptable" and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn't, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he's in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say "I don't deserve this, and my children don't deserve this." I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire.

It's tempting to champion this woman's cause given the completely humiliating manner in which Josh treated Anna. As much as I've cringed at Josh Duggar's heartbreaking sins and how unfavorably they reflect on Christianity, I'm mindful that we know very little information. Isn't that usually true, when we're tempted to judge others?

We have no idea what went on in their marriage or in their daily family life, but I know from experience that when you're caring for a newborn and other little ones, you have little interest in marital relations. (Don't roll your eyes yet...I am not going to excuse Josh or any other unfaithful spouse.) Weeks or sometimes months can go by without any attention to our husbands, easily, during this first year (or during times of intense stress), and our husbands are put in a difficult place, because to keep reminding us about their needs appears insensitive to our exhaustion or our feelings. I think many men remain silent so as not to provoke us or feel like schmucks.

Most women are aroused by feeling close to and in love with their husbands, and by being rested and relaxed enough to feel light and playful. Men are aroused far more easily (given their visual bent) and can even be aroused during times of exhaustion and intense stress.

Communication is very, very important here.

Our husbands are responsible before God for their decisions and actions, no matter whether we remember their needs or not. It isn't fair to blame an overwhelmed and physically exhausted mother for her husband's pornography habit or an affair, but it is wise for mothers to prepare their daughters to keep lines of communication open with their husbands in the year after childbirth, and during times of intense family stress. It's an unwise woman who assumes her husband is doing fine, as long as he isn't nagging for attention. Grace must abound on both sides.

God always provides a way out of temptation and open communication is one of those means in a marriage.

I am not indicating by these statements that I think Josh is a real Christian gone wrong, or that by more marital relations their issues could have been prevented. I don't know his spiritual state, but total deception such as his can start with small spiritual compromises, accompanied by a sense of entitlement. Satan is sure to spur us on in our compromises, by increasing our sense of entitlement.

We need to resist the temptation to make villains of one spouse or the other when we hear bits and pieces of marital stories, since no one knows the inner workings of a marriage, as I said. We do best to pray for our own marriage and the marriages within our churches. Because marriage. is. hard.

I resolve to prepare my daughters for the complexities of married life...for how many of us went into marriage wholly unprepared for the complexity, and had to make mistakes to learn how to dance well together? A lifelong marriage will have very low points, and only the strongest finish the race.

The world will scream for us to cut our losses, get out and start over, but the spiritually steadfast and long-suffering stay the course (though if you are being abused, put physical and emotional distance between you and the abuser, by all means).

And incidentally, when an adulterer remains unrepentant, he is abusing his wife emotionally and she is justified in leaving, with the Lord's blessing. Before it becomes clear that an adulterer is unrepentant, I believe the Lord would rather we keep our eyes on Him and proceed cautiously, though we can leave for adultery right away, if desired.

The world would have us believe that a women who stays is weak and stupid, but God's glory shines through us best when we focus on His character, rather than on what we deserve.

Kristen Welsh from We Are That Family successfully dealt with her husband's addiction to pornography (he's an ex youth pastor) and they have a strong marriage now. With our eyes on God instead of on our immediate heartache, marriage can persevere.

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. This is a worldly perspective only. Anna Duggar is (let's assume), a born-again Christian and as such, she's got eternal life to look forward to, rather than eternal suffering. Contrary to Ms. Kirkland's sentiment, Anna is blessed beyond measure.

The 20-year-old woman who gets in a car accident a month before her wedding and becomes a paraplegic for life, is in a pretty awful situation, too, but like Anna's situation, it's part of the sin curse. We all suffer and everyone has devastating periods in their lives, whether they come early or later in our middle years. We all need divine strength to get through the day. We all need to be thankful for every day, and reminded that godliness with contentment is great gain.

Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. 

Anna was crippled by her parents? While at least a two-year degree or a vocational skill is desirable before marriage, the Bible does not ask us to put our hope in education. Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

The Bible does mandate one type of education--spiritual education, as outlined here:

Deuteromony 11:19 "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. "You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,…

The Bible also teaches that if we put the Kingdom of God first, then God will provide for all of our daily needs, education or not--and I say this as someone who, as a former public educator, has been guilty in the past of worshiping education.

Matthew 6:32-34 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It's so easy for all of us to disregard this verse when our daily bread appears insecure, as it may for Anna right now, but God's Word stands firm, no matter our circumstances. When we make a commitment to live each day for his glory and give tomorrow to Him, our joy abounds.

Open Letter to Bristol Palin...And to the Church

Dear Bristol,

I know you said you didn't want lectures or sympathy, but I am going to give you both, anyway, as one of your elders and as a fellow Christian representing Christ and his church, which you have called your own.

I don't write to you or to the Church because I am without sin, or because I have less of it in my life than others. Rather, I am writing as one who has the gift of discernment. God tells us that first, no one gift is better than another, and secondly, we must use the gifts we were given to help build the Church. They aren't to be hidden away because it's too much trouble to bother.

Understand, I am not judging you, Bristol. I'm merely writing to highlight what I see as a problem in the Church--a Church that's failing to make disciples. Internal sin hinders the Church terribly and makes it a mockery.

I want to commend you on several fronts, beforehand.

Firstly, I am glad you have loved your son Tripp so well. I rejoice that you believe every life is precious. I commend you for carrying this new baby, despite the horrific cost to you personally, in light of your public life. I too believe every baby is a blessing.

And Bristol, I'm sincerely sorry you have been disappointed in love and that this pregnancy doesn't come at a happier time in your life. My heart aches for you over that disappointment. Truly, people will disappoint us--whether it's husband, parents, children or friends--they will all disappoint, which is why we have to cling to the Lord harder than to anyone or anything.

You had the best of intentions and I'm sure you'd like credit for those. I heard that some years back you told Oprah you wouldn't engage in any further premarital sex. And as the left loves to remind you, you got paid a high salary to speak on behalf of an abstinence campaign. Yes, this puts you in an embarrassing situation now--one that's inviting the worst of the You Hypocrite! comments regularly lobbied at Christians. I want to address your response to these attacks, and your response to your own sin.

But first, about your paid ventures, such as the abstinence campaign: I clearly see that you and your mother are entrepreneurs and when opportunities come, either by chance or through your savvy smarts, you take them. As a single mom with no education to fall back on, you are right to do what you can to support your child. No one can begrudge you that.

Entrepreneurs have a certain set of strengths and weaknesses, and impulsiveness is unfortunately one of the weaknesses, which has gotten you and your mother into trouble through carelessly tossed comments--comments that, while perhaps true, too often are devoid of grace and gentleness. Your tones exude defiance rather than humility, which is understandable given the viciousness of the personal comments you and your family have received over the years. The minute we name Christ, we're vulnerable to attacks.

God wants us to clothe ourselves in grace and gentleness. Our enemies being vicious toward us does not justify defiance, defensiveness and sarcasm, at the expense of humility and grace. When we fall and speak rashly, we need to apologize for our lack of graciousness. There is something very noble about these two words, sincerely offered: I'm sorry. 

My own carelessly tossed words toward an enemy brought condemnation on me, and the Lord taught me the humility necessary to say I'm sorry, even to one who hates me and didn't deserve my apology. The apology wasn't for my enemy, but for the Lord and his bride, the Church. Sometimes we don't get to be individuals in the Church. We must see ourselves as part of a Body, to whom we have an obligation.

Maybe I'm sorry won't satisfy the left, but it will please the Lord, to whom you owe everything.

Now I'm going to address what most bothers me about your overall attitude. I haven't read your bestselling book about the forgiveness and redemption God blessed you with following your 2008 fall from grace. Maybe it was very contrite and I rejoice if that is true.

But as a fellow member of the Church, I am saddened by your first blog post announcing your new pregnancy, and your following  "Update" post, in which you're pictured making a zero sign with your hand, indicating how much you care about the negativity lobbied at you.

This zero sign smacks of defiance, in the face of a sin God finds grievous. You can't afford this attitude right now and neither can the Church. My whole spirit groaned when I saw it, Bristol.

And here's your initial announcement, which also has its problems, spiritually speaking:

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) This is not gracious, Bristol. You became a public figure by choice when you began taking jobs that put you into the public eye. When you were a teen, you were thrown into the public eye, but in your twenties, you chose it. Be gracious to the public no matter if they deserve it or not. Be humble and consider that you are impulsive sometimes. Have a plan to pray about your words before publishing them. The more famous you are, the more responsibility you have. To whom much is given, much is expected.

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Let's not speak of dignity and grace without considering what it looks like, first. I agree you are capable of this. However, without clothing yourself in humility, dignity and grace will allude you. Acknowledge your sin as many times as you have to when you address the public outcry. Or, give up your public persona and live as a private citizen. God allows notoriety for Christians, and with it comes responsibility. Yes, I said that before, but it needs repeating for any Christian in the public eye.

Recall when the Duggars were thrown into the public eye to a greater extent because of Josh's sin. They didn't respond snarkily, but humbly. They remained humble and gracious throughout.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Your children need your strength and not viewing yourself as a victim is commendable, however, life does not just happen. We make choices and God demands that we take the consequences even while he forgives. Sin is incredibly costly for us personally and for the Church. Thus, you are having trouble keeping your chin up emotionally as you live the consequences. This is to be expected. The cost of your sin will be high for you and your two children forever, even as God gives you the hope to face tomorrow.

I wish you had said something about the cost to your children. We love our children with our prudent choices on their behalf, as much as with our hugs and our time with them. As always, love requires dying to self and this is something your children are going to look for in your history, as they reflect back on their childhoods. Yes, mom gave birth to us despite the public ridicule, but did she also live her life with tender care for our overall well being--for our salvation, above all? Bristol, I have to ask myself these same types of questions as a mother, everyday. Every mother needs to remember: I no longer fly solo in my everyday decisions. God is merciful, but the stakes are high for parents and without putting God first intentionally, who gives us wisdom and insight, we will mess up frequently, and our children will identify our mistakes in their own minds someday, to our shame and regret.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. Or, when life gets tough, there is the option to embrace humility and clothe ourselves in it. I'm not sure God wants you to get tougher, Bristol. I think he wants you to have a contrite spirit and realize that to avoid sin, you have to be intentional. You have to view yourself as incredibly fallen and sinful. Only through this lens do we take terribly seriously the need to walk away from temptation. God always provides a way out of temptation, and we have to locate that way out and keep our eyes on it.

You needed to avoid being alone with your boyfriend/fiance. You needed to have the humility necessary to plan not to be alone with him. Planning not to sin is how we avoid sin, and yes, this is the lecture you didn't want and said you didn't need. Passion is more than human beings can handle unless we put it under God's rule, just as too much money is more than most of us can handle, unless we put it under God's rule. Without a plan, no single or single-again person remains chaste--nor does a wife or husband who allows themselves to be alone with the opposite sex, or allows themselves to share their personal life with the same, resulting in an emotional affair.

Any other stance regarding sin is magical thinking--and magical thinking has weakened the Church. We all exercise way too much of this. You are not alone here, Bristol. Magical thinking is crushing the Church, making her more and more irrelevant.

I see it in my own life as well, Bristol, and your pain has been a reminder that I need to address every last sin in my life with an intentional plan, starting with a note on my computer: Set a timer now. No escapism allowed. For this is what intention looks like, and yes, even with it we will sometimes fall. Thus, the Cross. But the cross is cheapened when we sin on a regular basis, willfully or through lack of an intentional plan. Indeed, without a plan to identify the escape route God provides, maybe we are willfully sinning. This judgement is up to God.

But she was engaged, some people say. I understand this may seem like the time to relax your standards--when the ring is already on the finger. A ring doesn't matter in the least in terms of sin. People change their minds and they fall out of lust/love quickly--and this is especially true when we fall sexually. Disdain for the object of our passion is common after our sin.

If you ever want to be married, Bristol, understand that the minute you say yes to passion before marriage, you will love yourself and your partner less because of it. Nothing kills love like shame and disgust. I'm sorry the shame isn't equally shared by your ex-fiance in society's eyes, but believe me, God is just as displeased with him. His walk before God will not be easy if he doesn't do the right thing.

I want to see your joyful face in the future as a mother and wife, and I just don't think that will happen if you don't receive and take to heart a bit of lecturing. We all need spiritual sharpening and we mustn't begrudge it haughtily.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. While this is nice, it falls short of admitting sin. It falls short of saying: I'm sorry I stained the Church. I'm sorry I didn't take more seriously my high position and consider what good I could have done for the Church. Part of the disdain against you, Bristol, is due to your wording here: This simply isn't a contrite heart asking for forgiveness. It isn't a heart that's been humbled enough to say: I have sinned against God, against the Church, against my fiance, and against my children. I humbly ask for your forgiveness, and I need your prayers so I can do right by God and by the Church, going forward.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful. He'd be far more merciful if you were far more contrite. I urge you to put out a new statement, Bristol. One that points to the terrible consequences of sin. One that shows you truly understand your failings. One that expresses sorrow that you did not live up to the hopes of the organizations who paid you to encourage abstinence. One that shows you understand we are part of one body, the Church, and you let the Church down too, not just your family, friends, and blog followers. I urge you to say the obvious to young people: Do not be alone with your date, for passion is something bigger than you. Tell them to be intentional with this, and that they need to ask someone to hold them accountable. Understanding the need for accountability is part of humility. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Whether you ever get paid again for a public appearance, or book, or not, do the good you can right now. Go low and humble for the glory of God. Use this opportunity not to make a defiant zero with your finger, but to make amends. After you adopt this stance, God will make beauty from ashes. 

And the same is true for the rest of us. Want beauty from ashes? We have to give up what we want for ourselves or our image, and bow low. We're all in the same boat here. All with the same scarlet letter Bristol wears. All defiant and fighting humility like it's our worst enemy, instead of our way Home.

When You Want To Fit In

He came home from church that day, wondering: Why am I so different?

The youngest in a forty-member class of 7th to 12th graders, he felt left out. Forgotten.

Why don't I have a smart phone? Why don't I have a Twitter or Facebook account? Why don't I have a phone number of my own? Why don't I go on vacations and why can't I do things that cost money? Why don't I get out of school in June and start in September like everyone else? Why do I have a brain glitch that takes up all my time?

He doesn't really want a smart phone: I know this because he hates seeing the faces of youth at church bowing before a phone, unwilling to socialize with the youths all around, who are alive and present and ready to relate.

He knows, too, that he is blessed not to have everything handed to him. He knows distinguishing wants from needs is essential for cultivating gratitude.

But the phone and the lack of vacations are just more ways he is different, and at this juncture, he's still reminding himself that different is good. Fitting in is an empty, misdirected goal. Fitting in is to deny our uniqueness--the specific set of characteristics God gave only to us, as he knit us in the womb.

There's a scriptural "fitting in" that we'll get to below.

To buy a smart phone or the latest thing we don't need is to live blindly--out of touch with our real purpose. It's a wild goose chase, this world-style fitting in.

He also had embarrassing confessions after church that day (which he doesn't mind sharing): I feel like I want to be noticed; I want people to think I'm smart; I want to be able to impress people.

Having been raised in a Christian home, he knew these feelings were not something to advertise. He knew that theologically, they were flawed. And yet he is wired to process his feelings verbally, so speak them he must.

A verbal teen is far easier to rear because nothing is hidden. Everything can be discussed until it's understood and properly placed in a Christian context.

Thankfully, I have three verbal children and another who's easily drawn out.

We talked about these issues, again--all of them coming up recently in another context.

Human beings were meant to be in community, enjoying fellowship and appreciation from one another. We like attention because it speaks love and value into our hearts and lives. All of this? It's basic human psychology.

The problem is, our needs have a depth not equaled by even our family. The hunger for purpose and significance--put their by our Creator--can only be filled by our Heavenly Father, who gave believers an innate desire not to glorify ourselves, but to glorify him.

Devoid of a thriving relationship with our Lord, we mistakenly work for our own glory, thinking it will give us the worth we crave. Whatever skill or gift we have, we work it for our own good, which temporarily fulfills us.

My son? He wants to teach people about God. He feels it in his bones--that this is what he can and needs to do (in addition to the farming). There's a hunger to start it soon and he wonders if he should have the fifth and sixth graders over for a Bible study here at our home, so he can teach them.

He wants to do a good job at it, and be recognized and feel worthy.

Basic human psychology at work here, still. We have capacities and gifts that scream for release--dreams to be fulfilled. We need work, toil, a purpose for rising each day.

All these things, son? They simply make you human and they shouldn't bring shame.

But we must clarify, daily, who it is for whom we toil and why. Who filled this earth with human beings, to exist with and yet have higher needs and intelligence than the animals? Who gave us the desire and capacity to create and build and design and instruct and lead and help and comfort and manage and discern and exhort? Who created such diversity, that we all crave something different for our mind or hands?

God.

Together, we make up his Church. Alone, we can do nothing of value. Each gift, alone, has no power. It is the exercise, in community, of each man's gift that creates a beautiful symphony, in honor of the Lord our God and for his glory.

So that gift you have, Son, for teaching about God? Do it in community. Exercise it properly and it will fulfill you as you honor God. You will be energized, filled with an inexplicable joy in it.

But. Exercise it for your own glory and all your power erodes and you are the same pitiful soul, searching for significance. In this context, your gift becomes irrelevant, and you, worthless.

Because your significance? It comes from your relationship with God and your exercise of the powers he instilled in you, for his glory. 

Did you get that part, son? For His glory.

This post is Part 3 of our Romans 12 Bible Study: Becoming a Romans 12 Christian.

Read Part 1 here.
Read Part 2 here.



FYI: If you title a post about a specific scripture, I find that you get fewer readers. But if the title strikes a cord about a human need, it's more likely to be read. And if you title it with a number--like five ways to lose weight fast, or five things you should never say, you get even more readers.

But I'm not professional like that so don't go looking for numbers in my titles anytime soon. It's all I can do just to get on here, and sort out the Holy Spirit whispers in the quiet of the night.

Today, we learn about our place in the Body, and why we shouldn't think one gift is more important than another, and why we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we ought. Let's read the verses below together:

Romans 12:3-8
3 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Verses 3 - 8 are put in context for us by Bible.org, excerpt below:

In Rom 12:1-2 Paul calls believers to experience ongoing spiritual transformation. This transformation begins by presenting our bodies and renewing our minds. Most people stop reading with 12:2 because these two verses are so familiar. But 12:3 begins with “for” (gar), which is a connecting word signifying that Paul has more to say about transformation. What he says in 12:3-8 is that our commitment to worship and seeking God’s will is incomplete until we are ready to serve. In other words, if your worship does not lead to service, then you haven’t finished worshiping yet. To put it simply: True worship results in service. Paul shares three results of Christian transformation that will enable us to live a transformed life and to apply God’s will... Paul is obviously quite concerned that you and I think humbly about ourselves.

What is humility? It is the recognition and application of who you are in Christ. The first thing Paul does is call attention to his own dependence on grace in the use of his apostolic gift (cf. 1:5). He is saying, “I could easily begin to think too highly of myself as an apostle were it not for one thing: grace. All my calling, all my gifts, all my authority is a work of God’s grace in my life. I don’t deserve it; I didn’t muster it up; it is all of grace.” We must continually remind ourselves of this simple truth: our lives consist of grace. We are saved by grace; we grow by grace; and we are endowed by grace. We are what we are only by God’s grace.

Some gifts result in a front-center position, like pastoring or teaching or administrating. Others, like helping and mercy, are exercised quietly, but still powerfully, in the Body. It's tempting to feel left out as a quiet exerciser of behind-the-scenes gifts, or to feel too powerful as an exerciser of front-center gifts. Each gift is needed; each gift has equal weight in the Lord's sight.

When we think too highly of ourselves, or don't think highly enough of our part in the Body, we lose our balance and the symphony is off key.

Acknowledge your own gifts. Acknowledge your own need for significance, for purpose, for recognition. Next, enjoy the satisfying feeling of right relationship with God and with the Body, through which everything else falls into place. Transform from empty, to full. Transform from gnawing need, to spirit-filled power.

God loves us individually, but he calls us corporately, to work in unison for his glory. 

When we sit at his feet, when we study the Word, when we sing his praises, when we pray, he is there for us as a loving, affirming Father. In His presence, we are filled. He empowers us to serve Him--giving us both the desire and the capacity to join the symphony of believers making up the Church, his bride.

Now, I would do you a disservice not to close with this powerful nugget of wisdom from John Piper, who as he says it is exercising his gifts of discernment and teaching, knowledge and exhortation:

Do you see the astonishing thing that Paul is doing here? As he watches people puff themselves up, thinking of themselves too highly, he says, Here is how to think soberly about yourself: Make faith the measure of your mind. Make faith the measure of your heart, your life. And so he turns self-exaltation upside down. He says, Do you want to have significance? Then look to Christ as infinitely significant. Do you want to have value? Then look to Christ as infinitely valuable. Do you want to want to have esteem? Then look to Christ as worthy of infinite esteem.
Don’t make mistake here. I am not saying what so much contemporary Christian Popular Psychology says. I am not saying: Do you want to have significance? Then look to Christ as a means to your significance. I am not saying: Do you want to have value? Then look to Christ as the one who gives you value. I am not saying: Do you want to have esteem? Then look to Christ as the means of your esteem? I am not saying that in the renewed mind Christ is a means to the goal of your significance and esteem and value. I am saying: you were made to embrace him as infinitely significant and infinitely valuable and infinitely worthy of esteem. That is what the renewed mind does and loves to do. That is the deepest identity of the new mind.
I’ll say it again: Do you want to have significance? Then embrace Christ as the one who is infinitely significant to you. Do you want to have value? Then embrace Christ as infinitely valuable. Do you want to want to have esteem? Then embrace Christ as worthy of infinite esteem.

Thank you for joining me once again, as we study Romans 12. Can't wait until next time. 

Building a Strong Mothering Legacy, Part 1

With Mother's Day coming up, I'm evaluating my own mothering and considering what it takes to build a strong mothering legacy. Usually, Mother's Day is for showing appreciation and love for Mom, but it can just as easily be a time for us to evaluate how we're doing, and decide how we might do even better.

A legacy is defined as anything handed down from the past. The main thing mothers hand down is love. In love we patiently kiss booboos and bandaid them--something that will be remembered fondly, as will the cold cloths and kisses we put on fevered heads in the middle of the night.  Love-in-action becomes memory--etched in their minds forever.

For older children it's not so much the bandaids and cold cloths that define a mother's love, but the homecooked meals, special comments, notes, or gifts, and the teen talk sessions we endure and enjoy into the late night.

With each loving act of compassion and patience, our stock as mothers goes up and our children have one more reason to value their own lives and look with confidence upon their futures. Filled up with love, there's nothing to hold them back.

Mom invests her time, and when someone gives us their time--the precious hours and days of their lives--that says we have value. What's a life, really? Isn't it made up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, decades? When someone invests all they have in us, we can't help but value our own life and work hard to make it worthwhile.

Each of us, hopefully, has someone in our past who invested their time in us. If not, we're obviously left with scars--but nothing our Heavenly Father can't heal if we lay it at His feet.

If as mothers we truly invest our time, showing love and compassion, our sons will hopefully want to choose a wife who is like us, in terms of her future mothering potential, and our daughters will hopefully look no further than their own childhoods to evolve into wonderful mothers.

We hope and pray this is the case, but to make it reality, we have to engage in self-evaluation. Just loving our children doesn't make us great mothers.

What else is needed to seal the great-mother deal? After all, what mother doesn't get up in the middle of the night to tend to her sick children? What mother isn't forthcoming with kisses and bandaids when the blood flows? What mother would ignore a teen who obviously needs to talk?

There are certainly qualities beyond these that make a mother exceptional. But what might they be?

We all might come up with a different list, but....

...I think a great mother also has exemplary attitudes.

Yes, they will remember our loving care, but won't they also remember our complaining, our bitterness over the hard work, our yelling over the clean clothes thrown on the floor (again)?

No one is without blemish and mothers can get downright exhausted quickly, leading to less than godly responses. Children certainly give us room to be human--being very forgiving--but they also take note of our attitudes over time.

I've considered two wrong attitudes that will stain our mothering legacy. I want to eradicate them in my life, and I bet you do too.

1. Expecting children to know better.

2. Resenting the hard work involved in mothering.

In this post, I elaborate on number 1...Expecting Children to Know Better. Later this week, we'll get to number 2.

My son Peter is 13 years old. There were many times over the years I wondered if he would ever mature, but now, four months after his 13th birthday, I'm daily seeing signs of a godly manhood evolving. He sees ways in which I need help and he willingly puts aside his plans to step up to the plate. In the past, hoping his brother or dad would help, he selfishly pursued his own agenda.

He looks protectively upon his sisters--both in regard to their physical and spiritual safety. He'll gently remind them to resolve their differences amicably, for the glory of God. He'll call them out when they complain and stomp their feet over a parent's unwanted directions, such as to stop sewing and brush teeth for bed.

He'll recognize his own ungodly attitudes quickly, and apologize now, not later, with a heartfelt repentence.

He'll bravely share Christ with neighbor children, pray with neighbor children over backyard baseball games, and remind neighbors to love their siblings when sibling bickering occurs here. He'll pray for them at night and wonder what else he can do to help them along spiritually.

And all this without any prompting from me. It's God, working through Peter, who is responding to the command to make disciples of all nations (and neighborhoods). Somehow, the neighbors keep coming, despite the young evangelist who lives here. They want to listen to Peter, who commands their respect.

What has all Peter's recent growth reminded me of? That children are a work in progress. I don't know that I remembered that enough all these years. I don't know that I would have believed you, two years ago, if you described for me what my son would be like today. He's a wonderful young man and I didn't see that coming.

Shame on me.

Of course children throw clean, rejected clothes onto the floor--they're only children! Of course they leave out their craft supplies and their bikes and spit toothpaste gobs into the sink....and then leave them.

They're. only. children.

What did I expect, I wonder? That they would show an understanding of my hard laundry work, when they're so busy trying to learn and grow each day themselves? Growing up is hard work.

They are no more guilty of disregarding our hard work, than we are of theirs.

1. A great mother respects her children's learning curves. She loves her children where they're at now.

2. A great mother expects her children to shine one day, despite the childishness of today. She sees potential.

3. A great mother praises efforts, not just outcomes.

4. A great mother prays for her children, more than she preaches at them.

What would you add about giving our children room to grow in peace? What do you think makes a mother stand out as exceptional?

Next time, we'll discuss a mother's attitude about the hard work she does.

Hoping your Mother's Day is sweet...full of kisses and hugs and picked flowers and pretty pictures.

Read Part 2 here.

Modeling Humility for the Children

Today was a long, hard day characterized by non-stop deep-cleaning of the bedrooms. We take better care of common areas than we do the bedrooms, so it was time to take a snow day and get busy. I rarely give my children snow days or cold weather days as the local school district does, so there was no guilt in this decision, but I definitely wanted it done in one day.

Thus, the non-stop pace. Being a very goal-oriented person and knowing my kids don't do well with too much time off, I put a lot of pressure on myself to finish by evening, working hard from 10 AM on, only stopping to eat a sandwich while standing up.

We got all the junk out from under the beds and off surfaces and processed all the paper, dust, and unneeded stuff.

Boy that's a good feeling, and it makes the bedrooms easier to dust and vacuum in a snap.

The master bedroom was the worst; that's where stuff is stashed when I don't have time to process clutter before guests arrive. I was so ashamed of that room, yet there was never a chunk of time to tackle it.

The kids did a share of the work, then had free time while I finished up--free time that led to more messes. I tried hard to curb my growing irritation, but near dinner a headache pounded, so off we went to the pharmacy for my Imitrex, as well as to Little Ceasar's.

If you're a mom, you know what it's like. Sometimes you just have to stop everything and deal with clutter to get your sanity back. And when you've knocked yourself out and the rooms look smashing and ultra-organized, you probably expect some praise or at least a thank-you.

My kids were very grateful and full of praise, knowing how hard I worked. They went to bed in very nice looking rooms, happily. I'd even made special places for their stuffed animals, which thrilled them.

But hubby? It wasn't good. 

The pharmacy didn't have my prescription ready so we returned with me still sporting a pounder, already having tried the over-the-counters.

Hubby got home and went into the bedroom to get something. He paused more than usual, surveyed the room, and only came out to say, "Where are my CD's?"

Oh, man. That didn't go over too well for me. That room looked superb, after looking like trash for weeks, and that's all he has to say? Did he even have a clue how much paperwork and clutter I went through to thoroughly clean in there?

Exhausted and head-achy and mad, I could only think of how much he's becoming like his father. Mean-spirited, never praising, never appreciating anything...or so it seems.

In front of the kids I told him he's becoming just as mean as his dad and why couldn't he at least say the room looks nice?

When I'm mad he says nothing, always waiting for a calm wife to address anything that was said. He's amazing that way and I love him for it. Because of it, we aren't fighters. The Lord works on me, and him, separately, and then we move on easily, understanding each other without many words. I always apologize humbly for carelessly thrown words or wrong attitudes, and he always sees where he might be wrong, without me having to explain anything further.

As soon as the belittling comment left my lips I was horribly ashamed, but too shaken and exhausted to do anything about it just then. I went off by myself to finish the vacuuming while they ate pizza. Then, because I was still mad about being overworked and under-appreciated, I let loose some anger on the kids for their messes during the day, which still lay unattended.

So, that was my day. Productive yet shameful, and too much pressure on myself.

They're all in bed now and I'm just sitting here, feeling oh-so-humbled, analyzing it all in the quiet of the night.

I don't know what I would do without this time alone in the quiet of the night to process my day, my feelings, my shortcomings and my sins. It's a time to pray and process Scripture and listen to the Holy Spirit, before writing out what He wants from me.

My husband's love language is quality time and mine is affirming words, though these days I do fine as long as people aren't hurtful with their words; I no longer need much affirming, as long as there isn't a lot of criticizing.

Despite understanding love languages, I'm not very good about spending time with him and he's not very good about being appreciative or affirming. Somehow, the marriage grows in grace nevertheless, with the commitment unwavering. We need to be educated in love languages to understand where a spouse is coming from, but we don't learn new tricks easily.

My husband's father was a critical man who never praised his wife for anything, no matter how hard she worked at home. My husband is an improved version of his father--not generally critical, but he does take my work for granted most of the time, which I'm used to and handle fine on typical days. As he gets older I see more of his father in him and I wonder how I'll handle it.

I'm afraid to ask if he sees my mother in me, but he's spent very little time with her, so I think I'm safe for now, even though I must admit my temper to myself and to God.

That's got to be a pretty universal thing among spouses, I would think...or maybe it's just me. You think you're seeing the worst of your father-in-law in your husband. Or a husband sees the worst of his mother-in-law in his wife. Probably true, but probably exaggerated in our minds as well.

Some time ago I realized I would never become the perfect, submissive wife. My kids would never see in me the biblical model of womanhood...or at least not consistently. So I began to pray about my weaknesses in front of them. I wanted them to understand that marriage is about continually praying you'll get better. Better at respecting your husband. Better at loving your wife. Better at forgiving. Better at being kind to an overtired, overworked spouse. Better at turning the other cheek. Better at praying for the marriage, for the spouse, for one's own humility before God.

At the end of the day, the message is the same from the Holy Spirit. I don't have to be the perfect wife or mother. I just need to be a humble wife and mother who leads her children to Jesus by going ahead of them, to His loving, redeeming arms, asking yet again for His forgiveness and blessing.

In the morning during devotions with the kids, I'll apologize and confess my impatience and harsh words, and ask that the Lord make me a submissive, loving wife, and a kindly, gentle mother.

We can't be good, so we better be humble. Once we realize we'll never be good, we grow in grace.

Do you have days like that? When you try to please everyone, only to end up making a fool of yourself?

What God Wants From Us In 2015, Part 2

Last time, we spoke about Loving God. Today, we learn about Seeking Him.

Oh, that we would all seek Him...earnestly, desperately seek Him.

Job 5:8-9 “As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number."

Is he lost, that we must seek Him? On the contrary, he's ever-present, and we're lost.

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

Why must we seek Him, if he's always there?

The problem lies not with God, but with us--we are like the Israelites.

Psalm 14:2-3 The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

God parts the sea and provides for us time and again, yet we forget so quickly. We are hungry for something from God, but we're not hungry for God (unless we're in trouble). We build our idols and focus on them, for they're tangible and enticing, giving us a quick high that keeps us coming back for more. No patience, that's us. We want fulfillment without commitment, so we keep chasing the empty promises the enemy whispers in our ears, never finding lasting joy in them.

Commitment requires that we be intentional. Instead, we want to be on auto-pilot. Intimacy doesn't come that way--it's a reward for our diligently seeking Him.

Moses went up to the mountain to see God, and in his absence, the very people the Lord brought out of Egypt did something shocking. They busied themselves building idols.

What?! Who does that after crossing through a parted sea to safety, after which the Lord destroyed the enemy with the falling waters? Who witnesses such a miracle and is saved, only to then build and worship some calf? Stupid, eh?

That's us. Stupid. Did you know sheep (that be us) are incredibly stupid? They aren't aware when they wander away, and they have no sense of direction to get back. Unlike most animals, they have no concept of a predator. When a wolf comes, they don't skitter away nervously. Oh, no. They just stay put, oblivious. Without the shepherd, they are dead, for they can do nothing to save themselves.

And do they warm up to him and love him? Oh, no. They're likely to bite him.

I told my children these facts one day, after hearing them in a sermon. They were indignant, not wanting to be compared to stupid sheep.

That's another thing about us. We don't want to need God, despite having His resume in hand, knowing what it promises on our behalf. Our own neediness disgusts us and terrifies us, so we run from it, instead of giving thanks for the Shepherd, who is Love.

Pride is a huge obstacle for us all. Humility leads to the Lord. Pride leads to death.

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

Who can we emulate? Who can teach us to seek the Lord?

I believe David's our man. David couldn't stop writing Psalms--love poems to God. He loved the Lord and felt the Lord so vividly. He had to write about Him or he'd burst. As you read David's Psalms, you begin to understand what seeking God is like, and the reward waiting for those who do it.

Psalm 63:1 (A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah.) O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Psalm 34:1-22 (Of David, when he changed his behavior before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away). I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 27:8 (of David) You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”

Psalm 40:16  (Of David) But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!”

Psalm 16:11 (Of David) You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 34:10 (Of David) The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

There are obstacles in your life and in mine, that are in the way of our seeking God. If you get your notebook started in the first post, and write down the obstacles in your life--the idols--which prevent you from earnestly seeking the Lord, I believe, along with confession and repentance, it will be a first step to modeling our hearts after David's.

We can't just acknowledge these idols--we need to ask God's forgiveness, and plead with him to put us on the seeking path. There is something to find on this path. It's not a mirage we're after, but living water. Never-ending, never-stopping, always-available, living water.

Amos 5:4 For thus says the Lord to the house of Israel: “Seek me and live;

1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever.

John 7:38  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

Where do we seek God?

1. Through Creation - “For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. Ever since the creation of the world his invisible nature, namely, his eternal power and deity, has been clearly perceived in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” Romans 1:19-20

2. Through Prayer - Prayer is not one-sided, but a conversation with the Holy Spirit--a communing with the Holy Spirit. We are in His presence when we pray. God doesn't need our prayers to decide what to do. We need our prayers to become one with the Lord.

3. Through Praise - When you start praising God, he fills you up. He meets your soul directly and lifts it up to the heights, like you've never known. During and after a praise session, you want for nothing, spiritually or physically.

4. Through the Holy Word - John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

That's right...the Word was God. Open your Bible and meet the Lord right there on the page. 

5. Through His Son - God sent his Son, Jesus, so we would understand who God is. Jesus is the way--the way out of condemnation, the way out of separation from God. Jesus is our escort, our teacher, our Savior. He is the gateway. Go through Him--i.e. read the Gospels--and you will experience God and know Him.

Prayer Time: 

Dear Heavenly Father, we repent. We are sorry for our wayward-sheep habits, for being dumb Israelites all over again. Forgive us and restore us to intimacy with you. Our seeking and finding is a spiritual gift from you, and we thank you. We love you. May we seek your face, gaze on your loveliness, feel your sufficiency, Teach us to love you, to trust you, to obey you, to see you in your Creation, teach us to pray, to praise, to read your Holy Word, to experience your Son. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

I leave you with some quotes I encountered in my studies.

John Piper: Seeking involves calling and pleading. O Lord, open my eyes. O Lord, pull back the curtain of my own blindness. Lord, have mercy and reveal yourself. I long to see your face.

John Piper: His face — the brightness of his personal character — is hidden behind the curtain of our carnal desires. This condition is always ready to overtake us. That is why we are told to “seek his presence continually.” God calls us to enjoy continual consciousness of his supreme greatness and beauty and worth.

Charles Spurgeon: "There will be three effects of nearness to Jesus—humility, happiness, and holiness."

Dan Jarvis: But it's not about Bible reading checklists or stopwatch prayer commitments. Seeking God's face is personal; it is an attitude of longing, willingness, and discontent with anything less than spiritual intimacy.

2014 in Review (in pictures too)

From the first thunderstorm, which heralded in full blown Generalized Anxiety Disorder for Mary, through today, this has been a tough year. I have a month-long wait to learn anything more about my mammogram issue. It's just been one strain after another--distancing from an alcoholic parent and the dysfunctional patterns contained therein, and coming to the realization that sometimes wisdom means stepping away, saying I won't help you continue in your sin, and I won't let your sin continue to scar my psyche. I will love you, but from afar, through my prayers, and through my forgiving. 

The year also brought new disorders, old disorders worsening, dyslexia, a son's concussion, a worsening of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, a health scare, a two-ships-passing-in-the-night, special-needs-parenting marriage (with my 54-working hours husband also caring via phone 4-6 hours a week for his almost 92-year-old father).

I've learned that if another person is not personally struck by or exposed to a condition, they're likely to blame it on me and/or my parenting, so any support must be gathered carefully, such as through other special-needs moms, or I manage with the Lord's help only. Not that I should hide anything, but understand human nature in regards to judgement--and give thanks that as Christians, we grow in grace, not necessarily in goodness. Grace is beautiful. 

Grace is a precursor to holiness in our lives. When we readily offer grace, we're saying we understand our own filthy conditions. It's hard, this humility, but it allows holiness to take up residence. My own pain and need for grace allows me to offer grace generously.

We'd hoped that when the thunderstorms passed for the year, Mary's anxiety would settle down, but now whenever she hears anything on the roof she thinks there's an ice storm that will cave our roof (I have a picture book to blame for that notion). When she hears an airplane she panics that we're being bombed. I haven't a clue where that notion came from. We don't have a TV signal so I read news online, without the kids around. The boys know a few details about the world's war issues, but the girls aren't around when we discuss it.

After AWANA on Sunday she vomited from anxiety because a couple families were sick and absent, so she worried about Ebola, which hasn't been discussed here in weeks. Her anxiety over her various worries will lead to one vomiting episode, after which she doesn't get sick again. The vomiting hasn't happened more than four or five times this year, but it's exhausting and stressful. Once anxiety starts--and I can never predict it--there's no talking her out of it, but she can be distracted by praise songs and special activities, for a time.

My twelve year old disorganized all our pictures on this computer, so as I shuffled through trying to sort the mess (all dates are off a year on the camera), the pictures didn't lie to me--yes, we still had smiles, along with our tears of frustration this year. Grace.

What is the value in tough years? What is my testimony of the year?

Our faith grew; we're learning to abide better. I understand better that my life, my children's lives, must be lived out as a sacrifice to a Holy God. We offer our years on the alter--our hopes, our fears, our idea of success. When we do that well, what we get in return is not disappointment, but joy and hope. 

I'm sorry for Mary because crippling anxiety is ugly and fierce, but if it can serve the Lord, I say yes with an open hand. Not only does this mindset help me display compassion and hope for my daughter's sake, but it models for my children how God wants us to view our infirmities.

So, 2014, I'm not embittered by you. I thank you for the heart stretching. I thank you that we're finishing full of hope and assurance, full of love and abiding. Without you, it just wouldn't be.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.