Weekly Homeschool Wrap-Up 6/6

Good Friday to you. I'm not entirely sure anyone will read this due to the beautiful weather and end-of-year busyness, but I feel like writing about school and booky stuff anyway. Many of you are out of school this week, but we are in no such celebratory mood. Routine will move along as usual up through August, then a couple weeks off before we start the new year.

First Grade News:

All my four children are unique learners and one thing about Mary, age 7, is that her lessons have to be short, short, short. Her attention span isn't where I'd like it to be. I've learned so much this year in just accepting that in love. I haven't ridiculed her or chatised her, although inside I've often been irritated at the slow pace and the necessary breaks.

This year, then, I've climbed a personal mountain of sorts, in my ability as a teacher.

It helped that Mary is not mouthy or disrespectful. When she is done mentally she fidgets and takes longer to finish the simplest tasks. She asks how much longer she has to sit, or asks when she can go outside, but she doesn't argue.

She is reading fairly well now, but she still needs me nearby to help her keep abreast of all the complicated phonics combinations that are part of first-grade reading material. So many vowel digraphs, r-controlled words, and other complicated nonsense stuff. I have to admit, even though I taught it for nine years before having children, that first grade is not altogether a fun year. I used to think it was magical--the best grade ever--but now that I've taught every grade up through sixth, I think first grade is a pain. Now isn't that strange? I guess I like all the wonderful, rich content that comes later.

As a young learner I think she reminds me somewhat of Peter, in that the skills come slow--the parts themselves, but it's clear that the big picture isn't a problem. She is bright enough and can discuss ideas and draw conclusions and remember much about science and social studies, but seeing patterns in the numbers to 100, and recognizing patterns when she's reading, just don't come naturally.

Peter, now 12, didn't read well enough for me to walk away for good (meaning, no help at all), until he was eight years old. His issue wasn't remembering vowel digraph combinations so much as remembering sight words. By nine and a half he was an amazing reader, so I'm not at all worried about his little sister.

In science Mary is learning about plants and flowers and eggs and chicks. It is a group effort, with Daddy and Peter helping me teach science at times (Sonlight Science). While the Sonlight program is labeled as a K program, the written work would be very hard for a kindergarten child. It is perfect for Mary, and she loves the subject matter and all the books involved. Sonlight designs everything to appeal and work with a range of ages.

Mary continues in Explode the Code, and in Susan Wise Bauer's Writing With Ease Level 1. I thought about starting her in Sequential Spelling Level 1, but it's still a bit hard so we'll wait until the fall.

I haven't done a homeschooling post in several weeks but I've been saving up some favorite trade books to share. I'll share five this week and more next week. They're all wonderful, but in the interest of time, I'll just feature them and not comment, since dinner prep calls.

I'll write next week about what the boys are doing for school.

None of these book links are affiliate links; this is a personal blog only.

Camille and the Sunflowers A story about Vincent van Gogh by Laurence Anholt

School Library Journal Synopsis: Grade 2-4-In this story that has roots in historical fact, Camille and his postman father meet a stranger who comes to their town with no money and no friends. They give him furniture and friendship, and he paints a picture of each member of their family. The boy visits the man and takes him sunflowers, but the townspeople drive Vincent away because he's too odd and he doesn't have what they consider a real job. This sad tale can stand alone, and, while it omits important details, its tone matches that of other accounts of Van Gogh's short life. Unfortunately, the CIP information, the names and locations of the Roulin family paintings, and a biographical note about Van Gogh are printed inside the book covers under the jacket flaps. The sketchy pen-and-watercolor illustrations are punctuated with seven fine art reproductions, including a little known "Portrait of Camille Roulin" and the famous "Vase with 14 Sunflowers." The Roulins and the yellow house in which the artist stayed when he was in Arles, France, are seen in context in Bruce Bernard's Van Gogh (Dorling Kindersley, 1993). The two books complement one another and provide a greater understanding of this gifted, troubled man.

The Magical Garden of Claude Monet by Laurence Anholt

School Library Journal Synopsis: Grade 1-4-An engaging introduction to Monet's later work, featuring his gardens at Giverny. Based on a visit to the artist by a girl who turns out to be the daughter of Impressionist Berthe Morisot and a niece of Edouard Manet, The Magical Garden effortlessly combines artistic fancy with biographical fact. The simple story of a city child's day in the country is brought to life through clear text and vibrant gouache illustrations that blend seamlessly to provide an ideal introduction to Monet's temperament, work habits, and aesthetic. Anholt pulls off a deft illustrative trick, using his own fluid style to capture the flavor of many of Monet's most frequently reproduced works. Several illustrations are successful combinations of photo reproductions of Monet's paintings overlaid with Anholt's drawings of the artist and Julie. Particularly impressive is the foldout spread that depicts Monet, Julie, and her dog gliding across the lake in a small boat. The figures are incorporated into Monet's masterpiece Waterlilies: Morning. Perfect for children not old enough to enjoy the detail and comparatively intricate plot of Christina Bjork's Linnea in Monet's Garden (R & S, 1987), this volume also includes a page of biographical information about Monet.

Hot Dog! Eleanor Roosevelt Throws a Picnic by Leslie Kimmelman (NEW IN 2014)

Publisher Synopsis: In June of 1939, the United States played host to two very special guests. British monarchs King George VI and Queen Elizabeth were coming to America. As it was the first visit ever by reigning British royalty, it was a chance for America to build a stronger relationship with the British, especially in those challenging times. On the domestic side, many people didn't have jobs, housing, or food. Internationally, Adolf Hitler, Germany's leader, was threatening the countries around him and war loomed on the horizon. But First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt saw the visit as an opportunity for America to set aside its cares for a while and extend a warm welcome and hand of friendship to the royal guests. As part of the festivities, Eleanor hosts an all-American picnic that includes hot dogs, a menu item that shocks some people.


Thomas Jefferson A Day at Monticello by Elizabeth V. Chew (NEW IN 2014)

Publisher Synopsis: In this fascinating story, readers spend a day with Thomas Jefferson as he and his grandson visit the vast plantation of Monticello. Readers learn about Jefferson; the gadgets and household items that he reinterpreted and the plow he invented; the famous house; the surrounding farms with their gardens, fields, factories, and mills; the workshops of the enslaved people on Mulberry Row; and much, much more.
The book is illustrated with archival as well as newly commissioned illustrations and includes a timeline, bibliography, and index.

Praise for Thomas Jefferson A Day at Monticello
"The illustrations include excellent photos of sites, artifacts, and documents as well as paintings that extend the text. The lightly fictionalized, engaging narrative, which includes many conversations, is bolstered by sidebars offering additional information..."
--Booklist
"After finishing this beautifully illustrated book, also stocked with abundant photographs of artifacts housed at Monticello, readers will be left more curious than ever about the life and accomplishments of Thomas Jefferson."
--School Library Journal

Plant a Pocket of Prairie by Phyllis Root (NEW IN 2014)

Publisher Synopsis: Author Phyllis Root and illustrator Betsy Bowen last explored the vast, boggy peatlands of northern Minnesota in their book Big Belching Bog. Now, in Plant a Pocket of Prairie, Root and Bowen take young readers on a trip to another of Minnesota’s important ecosystems: the prairie.
Once covering almost 40 percent of the United States, native prairie is today one of the most endangered ecosystems in the world. Plant a Pocket of Prairie teaches children how changes in one part of the system affect every other part: when prairie plants are destroyed, the animals who eat those plants and live on or around them are harmed as well. Root shows what happens when we work to restore the prairies, encouraging readers to “plant a pocket of prairie” in their own backyards.

By growing native prairie plants, children can help re-create food and habitat for the many birds, butterflies, and other animals that depend on them. “Plant cup plants,” Root suggests. “A thirsty chickadee might come to drink from a tiny leaf pool. Plant goldenrod. A Great Plains toad might flick its tongue at goldenrod soldier beetles.” An easy explanation of the history of the prairie, its endangered status, and how to go about growing prairie plants follows, as well as brief descriptions of all the plants and animals mentioned in the story.

With Betsy Bowen’s beautiful, airy illustrations capturing the feel of an open prairie and all its inhabitants, readers of all ages will be inspired to start planting seeds and watching for the many fascinating animals their plants attract. What a marvelous transformation could take place if we all planted a pocket of prairie.

 Have a wonderful week!
 

Thankful Thursday, a Psalm, a tooth

 

I have a battle cry today and here it is: 
Psalm 30:8-12

 To you, O Lord, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me!
O Lord, be my helper!”

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Every time I think the thing with my mother is getting better--that the distance I put between us is making a difference in my overall health--someone will call or give an opinion in some way. My brother will say, "You've got to call mom." Or an aunt will offhandedly say, "I think unconditional love is the best thing always."

Then, all my hard-fought peace will disappear once again and I'm back at square one. This time vertigo appeared, which is sometimes my body's response to extreme stress. I have to lie down with the vertigo, and the kids always get stressed when I lie down. Then I get more stressed because I'm angry that this is affecting my kids.

 

How I hate the power this woman has over my health and well-being! I know she is not the enemy and that we all fight the same enemy. I know inside she is miserable and that if she had the courage to be honest, she feels terrible for the way her choices have affected her three children. On the surface she sees me as a terrible, self-righeous person and hating me is easy for her, although she would never admit it. I have to hope that somewhere deep inside, she knows my recommendation for rehab is spot on, and that even though she is in her early 70's, she'll realize it is never too late to live well, to live in truth, and make amends.

 

Will God make beauty from these ashes? From all these wasted years? From all these broken relationships? How much cooperation will he need from my mother? Will she ever give him any, and if not, will he pluck her unaware, like he did the Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus? I've never met a person more hostile to the gospel than my mother, and that scares me most of all.

 

Pray with me for a miracle, please?

 

Thankful Thursday Kids' Addition

 

Paul

~ lots of seeds

~ that I found the morning glory seeds we saved from last year's crop

~ a very pleasant day so we can plant more seeds

~ no clouds or humidity, blue skies

~ for my family

~ that we're going to the fishing contest and our neighbor Landon gets to come

~ that I'm homeschooled

~ that God saved us from our sins

 

Mary

~ sunny, blue skies

~ that I can dig a garden spot for some flowers

~ for my sister

~ movies to watch when I'm sick or scared

~ blankets to cuddle with when I'm cold or scared

~ God gives us food to survive and help when we pray

~ such a wonderful, pleasant day today

 

Beth

~ that I lost my tooth today

~ for Thankful Thursday

~ for plenty of robins in the yard

~ that I love my sister Mary

~ that my Mommy thinks I'm funny and smiles at me and hugs me (oh, but she loves to be the cute one!)

 

Peter

~ for birds, and nesting bluebirds in our yard

~ for corn seeds to plant

~ for gardens

~ siblings

~ my mom and dad

~ trees

~ our friend Landon

~ the fishing contest

~ flowers

~ eternal life

~ that God answers prayers

~ that there's joy in the garden from the Lord

 

Little Beth's front teeth have been loose for several weeks, and the dentist said she needs to wiggle them faithfully, for she hadn't been doing so and her gum was bruised. My other three drove themselves and us crazy wiggling their loose teeth, talking about them, and generally obsessing about them until they finally came out. Then we breathed a sigh of relief.

 

You know how it is?

 

Not so with Beth. She completely ignored the loose teeth, and wiggled them only upon command for a second or two. I kept forgetting to work on them myself, except for a couple minutes after brushing, which wasn't enough and I wasn't going to keep her up later doing it. I guess the exhausted Mommy in me had faith that God had a plan for these kids who weren't bothered by loose teeth, and surely we weren't supposed to keep their tired bodies up late wiggling and yanking teeth?

 

More weeks went by and she continued to ignore them. The permanent teeth did their job, however, and one of baby teeth finally begin to hang down, but still, it didn't bother her and she ignored it.

 

This morning she was eating a banana--her most favorite food in the whole world. She came over to me with a gap in her mouth, her tongue touching it. "Mommy, there's something wrong with my tooth."

 

"It fell out!", I said triumphantly. "Where is it? We need to leave it for the tooth fairy."

 

"I'll go get it! I thought it was a seed in the banana."

 

She proceeded to fetch it and bring it to me.

 

I put the tooth in a baggie, to be put under her pillow later. Next she says to me: "But, Mommy, since there's really no tooth fairy, can you just give me the dollar?"

 

Daddy, aka the tooth fairy, is rarely on time with the loot, so the tooth fairy is kind of a joke around here with the older ones, who haven't given Beth a lot of faith. 

 

Anyway, today I'm thankful for all five year olds...and especially for mine, for she makes my heart sing. She reminds me that nothing in this world is so serious after all. If you look through the lens of a five year old, you'll see all the beauty you need for that smile, and have all the faith you need to climb that mountain.

 

What are you thankful for today, friends?

 

Simple Woman's Daybook 6/3

Outside my window...

It's beautiful. Truly. So green, so lush, so sunny and bright.

I am thinking...

At the church nursery Sunday I worked with a mom who will begin homeschooling her children next fall--all of whom have been public schooled up to now. She has one sister who homeschools, and three other sisters who are strongly against homeschooling because of the "socialization thing". Oh, my. This gets more irritating as the years go by.

At the thrift store recently my son Paul was confronted by an emboldened boy about 9 years old who questioned Paul mercilessly about what electronics we have around here. Do you have this game or that game? Do you have this hand-held thing or that one? You mean you don't even have this? Or that? Paul has no desire for these things because he's not bombarded with them for one, and because I've explained that they're addictive. He has heard an AWANA friend talk about playing computer games until late at night with his dad, so Paul believes me that these games are addictive. We've talked about how addiction can rob people of motivation and prevent them from setting and meeting important goals.

If school is completed, my kids are allowed 24 daily minutes of computer games Mon - Sat from CoolMathGames.com or PBS.com. That's it for electronics...our desktop PC with no software but World Book Encyclopedia.

So I was a bit surprised to find Paul somewhat frustrated and teary-eyed after the boy walked away. He explained that it wasn't about the games, but about the way the boy treated him because we didn't have them.

All I could think was, thank goodness we homeschool. My kids can be who they want to be without harassment. They can live smartly without being ridiculed for it. They can live in a state of personal peace, listening to the voices of God, of parents, of those who love them. Why is any other voice necessary at this stage of life? These are the discipling years. There are enough dissenting voices at church, at AWANA, and from neighbors to give them enough of a challenge. They wouldn't benefit from a challenge 30+ hours a week from peers.

When kids graduate from high school none of the social hierarchy matters anymore. Most of them based their identity on peer evaluations, and where did it leave them after graduation? Not knowing who they are, or what they stand for. (A minority could have been strengthened by the intense challenge, yes.)

Parents socialize their children, not peers. To be socialized is to be taught how to behave and react in a variety of situations, among people old and young, poor and rich, healthy and sick, functional and dysfunctional, educated and uneducated. All children and teens are trying to find their way and they can't help one another very much, but they can sure harm one another. They need an adult discipler, not an age-based peer group. Where else in life are there age-based peer groups?

The young man who killed six in Santa Barbara was mentally ill, but he was also distraught over being a 22-year-old virgin who didn't have a smooth way with women. He never fit in. All the shooters over the years failed to fit in. The money and privilege and sense of entitlement they suffered from was certainly part of the problem, but we can't discount how broken they were simply because they didn't fit in. God simply didn't create all of us to fit in. That isn't His system and I don't believe he wants us to create a system in our hearts or in our institutions whereby we force people to fit in. No wonder our institutions and our children are sick. The in-crowd is a bit like Hitler and his chosen people. God help us.

Children should grow up in a safe, loving environment. Daily concern over how they fit in is not safe, it's not loving, it's not healthy. Even the ones who do fit in, either because they have the right clothes, the right gadgets, the right interests, have to watch those who don't fit in suffer, and wonder if they themselves might ever fall out of grace. What if my dad ever loses his job and I lose my iPhone? Everyone who's anyone has an iPhone. What if I act too good or kind, or too smart or too conscientious? What if the teacher seems to be proud of me and the other kids sense it?

The goal becomes to be like the mainstream, not because you think the mainstream is smarter or better than you, but because to be different is risky. Some kids can handle it--and public school is a great option for them and their families--but far too many cannot.

Incidentally, if public school is the only option financially, I believe God's grace, through parents' prayers, will cover a multitude. God is faithful.

I have great respect for some local Christian public-schooled families, knowing they gave the decision lots of prayer and the Lord led them to it. And I don't have the energy for education soapboxes until I hear that homeschool is not a good option because of the "socialization issue". This is so far from the truth that anyone who utters it, especially in this current climate, embarrasses themselves, truly. I stay out of these discussions verbally, but oh, how they stir the fire in me.

Tim Challis wrote a wonderful 3-part series on homeschooling reminding the church that educational choice isn't an issue that should divide Christians. The text he uses is Romans 14 about the weak and strong brother and the holy days and the meat sacrificed to idols. His is a public-schooled family, and when he penned the article in 2011, he was increasingly seeing Christians exit the public schools so that the majority in many churches were homeschooling families.

Around here, that is far from true. Only in the last 9-12 months have homeschool families come to our church. We've been in the vast minority in our area for the 7 years we've homeschooled. Apparently, this is not true for some parts of the country.

I read all three parts of Tim's article and there were many nuggets of wisdom. And the comments section was...well, memorable. Here is a nugget of his wisdom that relates to what I'm trying to relay here:

The man who enrolls his children in public schools without counting the cost and without carefully shepherding them along the way is not weak or strong—he is stupid. The person who homeschools his children because he thinks that the 4 walls of his home will protect them from sin and worldliness is not weak or strong—he is foolish.

Our original decision to homeschool was based on a respected study indicating that 93 % of homeschooled Christians kept their faith after high school, as opposed to less than 30% of public-schooled Christians. That really spoke to us 7 years ago, but now it isn't the primary reason. Many hidden beauties of homeschooling having to do with home being where the heart is, now shine brighter. These reasons can't be explained, only felt.

I do not think and would not tell someone that homeschooling is a primary way to ensure the salvation of children. First of all, nothing can assure that, except the Holy Spirit himself. While homeschooling is helpful because of the time available, it's far less important than the father of the home being the spiritual leader. Research supports that point--that fathers make the most impact.

My advice to any parent is to know why you feel the way you do, and pray much. Be able to give a reason for your hope, either way.


I am thankful...

~ for the sweet, wonderful taste of the strawberries this year. So divine and perfect.

~ for the joy of serving dinner to guests.

~ for the privilege of being a mom.

~ a long letter from Sheila from Uganda.

~ In the warm months, blogs can get as little as a quarter of the regular traffic. So if you've actually read this far down, I'm thankful for that, friend. :)

~ the simple joy in a child's heart over park visits.

~ ground turkey--even lean ground turkey--is cheap, and there are never-ending ways of preparing it. There, I said it.

~ that I've relaxed enough as a teacher and mother to allow my learners to be what God created them to be, rather than what an arbitrary system says they should be.

~ that to my five year old there is nothing better than a cuddle in Momma's arms with a story.

~ for the power of story.

~ for the glorious old movies, for all their depth, charm, and for the way they stick with you and make you smile during the day, long after the reel stopped.

~ for my husband, who will stay up with me to watch old movies like "An Affair to Remember", and like it as much as me.

In the kitchen...

Am I the only one having trouble cooking with joy in the humidity? We do have central air, so saying this makes me a spoiled brat. Our outdoor grill has issues so I am praying for inspiration. I must cook 7 nights a week, grill or no grill.

~ taco bar, fresh grapes, strawberry shortcake

~ steamed veggies, ground turkey macaroni (brown ground turkey with spices and mix with some tomato sauce. Combine cooked noodles with meat mixture. Heat milk and some flour until thickened, turn off burner, add some grated cheese, mix until melted and smooth, combine with meat/pasta mixture. Add some grated cheese on top and bake for 20 minutes. Kid-friendly and easy. Leave a comment if you want the complete recipe.)

~ chili, cornbread, fresh fruit

~ garlic cheddar chicken, brown rice, spring mix steamed veggies

~ bowtie pasta with turkey sausage sauce, salad

~ crockpot chicken enchiladas, black beans, brown rice, thawed berry mix with vanilla ice cream

~ homemade whole wheat pancakes, fresh fruit, turkey bacon

I am wearing...

Liz Claiborne rayon thrifted skirt in navy and tan with navy tee

I am creating...

a God-centered home, I hope. Daily human capacity is not always equal to daily human goals. But God's grace fills the gap for the Christian. Praise God.

I am going...

Monday five of six dental cleanings were finished up. Tuesday we drive 30 minutes one way to give Rudy the beagle back to his foster mom. Sniff. Sniff. I finally narrowed it down to fear aggression as his main issue, after talking to a resource person the rescue operation referred me to. It's the most unpredictable type of aggression, and thus the most dangerous.

Wednesday is Beth's rheumatology check-up. Friday is a library visit. Next week we have only a speech therapy appointment and that's it. Now you have a little insight as to why we school year round. Appointments definitely tend to get in the way.

The boys and my husband and a neighbor boy have a fishing derby this Saturday morning.

I am wondering...

...what novel to have Peter read next. He's been done with Sonlight for several weeks and reading what I hand him next. He's currently reading Carry On, Mr. Bowditch, a 1956 Newbery Medal Winner by Jean Lee Latham.

Synopsis: Readers today are still fascinated by “Nat,” an eighteenth-century nautical wonder and mathematical wizard. Nathaniel Bowditch grew up in a sailor’s world—Salem in the early days, when tall-masted ships from foreign ports crowded the wharves. But Nat didn’t promise to have the makings of a sailor; he was too physically small. Nat may have been slight of build, but no one guessed that he had the persistence and determination to master sea navigation in the days when men sailed only by “log, lead, and lookout.” Nat’s long hours of study and observation, collected in his famous work, The American Practical Navigator (also known as the “Sailors’ Bible”), stunned the sailing community and made him a New England hero.

I am reading...

Still reading 1 Corinthians with the children in the mornings. Started Carry On, Mr. Bowditch but I'm not too far yet. My husband is reading The Hobbit to the boys every night after the girls go the bed.

I am hoping...

(and praying) that each child will court someone here in our home or in their beloved's home, and never consider dating.

Around the house...

clean because Sunday was Bible study and a dinner party.

Scripture to Share...

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

13 Characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics

Before I go further, let me say I promise not to turn this blog into one about addiction, but before leaving the topic for now, I want to list some known characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. The 13 characteristics listed below are true for several kinds of dysfunction, not just the addictive kind. The introduction, the characteristics, and the further detail beneath them, and the conclusion at the end, are a repost, not my words. They represent the work of Janet G. Woititz.

Although, I did made comments in red beneath the characteristics.

My mother was a high-functioning alcoholic, meaning she held down a job and was never fired. She never drank daily when I was growing up, and my guess is that currently, she can only go two days or less without a drink. I never acknowledged, until recently, the extent of the problem, believing instead that she was a "problem drinker", not an alcoholic. I confronted her over the years about her drinking, which is something I don't ever remember my step-father, my brother, or my sister doing. Thus, as I look at these characteristics, I see that I escaped some of them, either because I wasn't completely in denial, or because she was a high-functioning alcoholic. I don't know which, but I have to come understand that denial is the element leading to the most dysfunction. 

In general, I think clarity of mind--having the ability to understand our emotions and reactions--is very important for a healthy lifestyle. Some quiet time every day with God, with a pen or computer in hand, or with silent thought discourse in our heads, is most helpful. For some of us, we need a human sounding board to attain greater clarity. Whatever is needed, I pray we seek it and find time to live in truth.

Repost:

 Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz, 1983, was originally written with only children of alcoholics in mind. Since its first publication, we have learned that the material discussed applies to other types of dysfunctional families as well. If you did not grow up with alcoholism but lived, for example, with other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drug abuse or overeating, or you experienced chronic illness, or you were adopted, lived in foster care or another potentially dysfunctional system, you may find that you identify with the characteristics described here. It appears that much of what is true for the children of alcoholics is also true for others and that this understanding can help reduce the isolation of countless persons who also thought they were "different" because of their life experience.

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts


1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is
The home of an alcoholic or addict is not "normal." Life revolves around the addict and most family members must learn to keep their family going, as they know it. Children of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents do not live the same life as their "normal" peers. Therefore, the child and later the adult must simply do their best at maintaining normalcy, as observed from friends, television, or simply guessing. I do feel left out when I am around people with "normal" upbringings. It feels like they are leagues above me in many ways, except sometimes in humility. My blessings are ever present before me, and that makes these insecure thoughts fleeting. I remind myself at these times that God is my refuge, and only He can satisfy. There is purpose in every story. Too, we are only passing through here. In Eternity, there are no emotional haves and have nots. We are all whole. Praise God.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. 
In the home of an addict, daily living is frequently interrupted due to misbehavior or unpredictable actions of the addict. For example, the family may start playing a game, but then dad comes home and everyone must stop playing. Or maybe mom promised to help work on a school project, but then passes out and never follows through. When project completion and follow-through are not consistently modeled, it is a hard skill for the adult child of an alcoholic to learn. I tend to impulsively (#13) take on too much. We try to meet everyone's needs, and that makes us overcommit. I took on extra work at church, only to find that within a year, it was too much for my family. I felt foolish, but I can't say I regretted it. It was a learning experience and my help was needed, even if I couldn't follow through long-term. I am now (June) free of my extra church duties (nursery director).

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
As a child of an alcoholic or addict, one must constantly lie and make up excuses for the addicted parent. The child also hears the parent and everyone else in the family lie and make up stories constantly. This behavior is a necessity to keep the addict family intact, and therefore becomes a natural trait. Once the child acquires this behavior, it tends to stay with the adult child.

These lies are not always malicious or harmful. Something as simple as the route the ACOA took home, or what type of fruit they like is fair game for lies. Unless the child or adult receives enough consequences (either internal, like guilt or anxiety; or external, like getting in trouble with someone), the ACOA may begin to practice the art of telling the truth more. This is not me, nor my siblings. We didn't have to lie to protect my mother.

 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
No matter what the child of an alcoholic or addict does, they cannot "fix" their parent or their family. They may be able to take care of the addict or other members of the family, but they are unable to fix the root of the problem: the addiction and relating family dysfunction. No matter how well the child does is soccer, how high their school grades, no matter how clean they keep the house, how "good" they are, they still can't fix the addict. Everything they do falls short.

Additionally, the child of an alcoholic or addict may blame him/herself for bad things that happen in the family, and are frequently guilt-ridden for reasons beyond their control. Perfectionism is very common in ACOAs. This doesn't seem to fit, either. The grace of God, of being a Christian, prevents this in my life. I can't speak for my siblings on this. My siblings and I are not close and have never been close, and that is typical of dsyfunctional families. The addicted person often pits one family member against another, to ensure loyalty. This prevents trusting relationships between family members.

 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
Growing up with an addicted parent is not fun. Kids are not allowed to be kids. When the kids are not given this joy, the adult usually does not know how to simply enjoy life. The ACOA is constantly worrying about their addicted parent, or is in trouble for things they should not be responsible for, or compensating in some other way for the addict. The usually carefree, fun time of being a child often does not exist if the parent is an addict.

The addict is the "child" in the relationship. Because of this, the child does not know how to be a child. This is 100% true of me and my siblings. So sad. My earnest prayer is that my children will not be affected by my seriousness (see #6 too). God be with us!

 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
Due to the gravity of their roles in their families growing up, adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. The weight of the family, and thus the world, is on their shoulders.

 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Having never known a "normal" relationship or family roles, the ACOA does not know how to have one. The adult child of an addict does not trust others. The ACOA has learned that people are not trustworthy or reliable, and has had their heart broken from such an early age.

 New relationships must be handled with caution, too, because the child of an alcoholic doesn't want others to find out their secret. Adult children of alcoholics have learned to shut themselves off from others to protect their feelings, as well as to protect their family. This is a tough one. Before becoming a Christian at age 31, this was definitely true of me. I married at age 33. I love and respect my husband and we have a healthy, peaceful marriage. The few spats we have are from exhaustion and frustration, never from deep-seated issues. Our slates are clean, so to speak. I never distance myself emotionally from him, nor him from me. 

However, looking back, I know there were dysfunctional reasons I married him, along with good ones. He had ADHD, which made him in some ways dysfunctional, and I wanted to rescue him, but I was ignorant, and so was he, of the ADHD. I think when we can look back and sense dysfunctional reasons for our marriage choice, the best thing we can do is ask God to redeem those choices. But, if you are being abused, escape. There is no question about it--staying is a mistake. 

Ours is a redeemed marriage. I do not seek to rescue anything about my husband now. I accept him as he is, and count my blessings that he is an enduring, strong Christian man who puts family first.

I don't think marrying someone with issues is dysfunctional, unless you perceive yourself as their rescuer, or think that you can't get anyone better. Don't ever settle, in other words. Whomever you marry, accept them as they are. Don't fancy some miraculous transformation. Unless you just want them to drink skim milk, instead of whole milk. :) 

 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
The child of an alcoholic/addict lacks control over their lives much of the time. They cannot control when their parent is drunk, or that the parent is an addict to begin with. S/he cannot always predict what will happen from one day to the next, and this is very anxiety producing. A child needs to feel safe. Because of this lack of control as a child, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict craves control. They need to know what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and when.

 Of course, this control and predictability is not always possible. If plans are changed, or somebody does something that the ACOA doesn't like or feel comfortable with, all the insecurity of their childhood may come back to them, and the adult child may over-react, leaving the other party stunned or confused. I don't sense this about myself at all.

 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Similar to ACOA characteristic number four, children of alcoholics and addicts are used to continuously seeking approval or praise from their parent or other valued person. They probably did not grow up with a regular and consistent rules and expectations, and could never make their addicted parent happy.

 Not knowing what is "normal" or expected, adult children of alcoholics need someone to tell them what they are doing is right. They are often indecisive and unsure of themselves. As a young woman, it was important for me to have a boyfriend. I needed that attention and affirmation. I stayed too long when deep down I knew it wasn't the right relationship for me. Yes, I wonder what people think of me. Much less as a women in my forties, though. Part of this is just maturity. If someone seems neutral or standoffish, I wonder even more if they like me. I would say I am most uncomfortable with reserved people, because I do seem to need outside affirmation. Again, my blessings are always before me, and I recognize this tendency fairly quickly now. I remember that I must only please God.

 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
Another overlap with other characteristics, children of alcoholics sometimes know from an early age that their home is not normal. Children from addicted families may or may not know what is different, and sometimes don't completely "get it" until they visit friend's houses and observe their parents. 'Hey... Janie's mom makes her do her homework until she is finished, and they have dinner at this time, and then they have to go to bed at 9. Every night!" This consistency may be shocking, and either attacks or appalls the child who is not used to such structure. There has always been a sense of isolation. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, and my mother remarried when I was 5. She is still married to my step-father. We never, ever, had people over when I was growing up. My friends never saw the inside of my house. Even family from out of town stayed somewhere else. I knew I didn't have a normal life (but not that I had to lie). I go to get togethers for the sake of our children, but I prefer quiet times at home. I have never been social, but I have forced myself to invite people over to get over this dysfunction. I know that I have to do the opposite of my instincts sometimes, for the sake of my children. I can potentially raise them like I was raised, in a second-hand way, if I'm not careful.
Even though my husband's father was unkind and remote, my husband does not have any of these characteristics of a dsyfunctional family. His mother was wonderful (she died with he was 16 and he went to Bible college at 18 out of state) So it appears that even if one parent is remote emotionally, a child can still thrive in many ways. My husband's father being remote and unkind, however, did affect my husband's success in life in the workplace, in conjunction with his undiagnosed ADHD. 

 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Once the child from an addicted family gets older and forms their own identity, the ACOA may either strictly follow a schedule and wants everything in order, controlled- perfect. These adult children often struggle with anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, and eating disorders.

 The opposite result is the ACOA who is a party animal. This adult child may develop an alcohol, drug, or other behavioral addiction. This ACOA may live a life very much like their addicted parent, or they may "shape up" and get their life together, with appropriate support. My sister and I are super responsible.

 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

"Why do you put up with him?" Adult children of alcoholics/addicts are used to dealing with just that- an addict. They are used to either taking care of an addict or seeing others take care of an addict. Drunken fights and broken promises is normal to the ACOA. Growing up, the child of an alcoholic was probably told "it isn't his fault" or "he didn't mean it, he was drunk."

 Because of these lowered expectations, an adult child of an alcoholic/addict frequently ends up in a relationship with another addict, abusive partners, or otherwise unhealthy relationships. I feel the need to help people who also had dsyfunctional pasts. I want to give them the patience they require, but sometimes I have to check myself. I have an ability to understand them, but that doesn't mean I should make allowances for them. The neighbors who used to come here asking for money moved about a month ago, but looking back, I see the error of ever giving them a cent, for gas money or anything else. I didn't know at that time some of the signs of drug abuse, but I looked into it. Rotten teeth, and excessive sugar intake, can mean drug abuse. (They came here for sugar constantly.) The sugar helps them come down from the drug, and the teeth rot either because of the drug, the sugar, or both.

I want my children to make a habit of helping the least of these, but I have to teach them to be very cautious of addicted people. Help in the form of meeting their basic needs can backfire and make them sicker. The Section 8 home across the street has had two drug-involved families in it, and I fault the welfare system for that. They never came to check on these families, even though they paid rent as low as $200 because of the Section 8 subsidy. This is a waste, and takes money away from the single, clean moms who really need the subsidy. As hard as it is to take children away from a home, leaving them in a drug-addicted environment is not beneficial for them or their future children. I know good foster homes are hard to come by, and that multiple foster homes create an even greater problem then addicted parents create (reactive attachment disorder). There are no easy answers. Still, subsidizing their parent's addiction by giving them a cheap place to rent is ensuring generational welfare. There must be regular visits, or the money is carelessly spent. If the government doesn't have the money to ensure accountability, it doesn't have the money to help at all, outside of ensuring that children get food, which is in large part taken care of by free breakfasts and lunches at school. I wish there was some way the private sector could do the checking, in cooperation with the government, to ease the financial burden of helping.

That Section 8 house is currently vacant and being fixed up, and all the neighbors think the owner will sell it. God has answered a prayer about the neighbors across the street, and now it appears he is answering the one about the Section 8 house. If the government will not check on the occupants, I don't want it here.


13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

The last trait is fairly self descriptive. The ACOA will struggle with falling into unhealthy patterns of behavior, in whatever form it might take.

An adult child of an alcoholic began life in unstable, insecure environment. The ACOA did not get everything they needed from their addicted parent. These 13 ACOA characteristics may seem daunting, but they are simply a profile, description, and explanation of possible existing traits.

These 13 characteristics are not a death sentence or certainty for the ACOA. Once an ACOA recognizes and understands why they are the way they are, and that they are not alone, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict can begin to heal. With the support of a therapist, counselor, support group, and others, the ACOA can live a full, healthy life, and stop the chain of addiction.

I do not plan to seek counseling, as just having an awareness is enough I believe. I do suggest young people dealing with this seek counseling before marrying, and definitely if they suspect they are in unhealthy friendships or other relationships.

 

The Tangled Web Of Addiction

Since I decided to quit being manipulated by an alcoholic mother, two camps of people have emerged.

One camp thinks I am dead wrong, and that unconditional love is the only answer. I actually think this group feels I have more of a problem than my mother, especially since she is in her seventies and won't live a lot longer anyway. My mother is hurting over the distance I put between us, and they want her to stop hurting. So they tactfully try to preach to me about forgiveness and unconditional love, because seeing her hurt is what they most want to avoid.

They are the enablers, most of them--the ones who know my mom personally, or know of her. Or, they have no experience at all with addiction and are trying to get involved in something about which they're completely ignorant.

The addicted person is almost always a tyrant, and when he or she is upset, everyone else is upset too. The enablers want to make everything status quo again. They have lived so long in their "roles" that they don't know any other way to live.  It is a sick, tangled web of dysfunction, all in the name of "unconditional love".

Another camp, those having experience with addicted people, believe that although distancing oneself is hard, it is the only answer. The more I begin to understand the psychology of addiction, the more tragic it seems to me. These enabling people perceive themselves as loving, nurturing, giving.

If by the grace of God they ever try to break away from the sick web, they find themselves accused, sometimes harshly, by the remaining enablers. They are told they are unloving, hard, cold, unforgiving. Guilt sets in. They question themselves. The accusations keep coming. It gets harder to be strong.

How many actually stay the course? How many get away, cleanly?

Even a clean getaway is painful, and will probably remain painful until the addicted person dies, and then some.

My husband learned that heroin is becoming a huge addiction problem in America. It frightens me, hearing this. I think we can safely say that most of society's problems can be traced, however far back, to someone's addiction and to the enablers who contributed to it.

Basic human decency falls apart in the face of addiction. It can be addiction to a substance, to power, to money, to the Internet, to sex. The only way to reverse this--outside of direct intervention by God--is to understand the psychology of addiction.

Addiction is not just between one person and the object of their desire. It always involves a web of people. For life cannot continue successfully for the isolated addicted person. They will have no food, no shelter, no job, and they would lose their children. They can't continue in their addiction, because their basic needs would scream too loudly.

Again, addiction never progresses in isolation. It can only progress if someone comes along, or is already there, who will cover for the person.

At first, covering for someone is basic self-preservation, and seems natural. It keeps embarrassment at a minimum. It keeps the lights on and the food coming. But as long as this continues, it gets deeper for both involved--for the addicted, and the enabler(s).

Educate your children. Hold them accountable for their actions. Check yourself. Don't take for granted that this tangled web will never involve you.

And God help us! (Only He can help.)

Because it hurts.