Eight Years

Eight long years.

That's how long my 58-year-old husband has been underemployed. Anyone over fifty years old who loses a job faces an uphill battle. Sometimes, these people end up working a few part-time jobs to make ends meet--never again obtaining full-time work. They're overworked, under-paid, with no paid vacation, holidays, or sick time, precious little leisure time, and little to no money going into retirement accounts. What's more, their Social Security will ultimately be reduced by the underemployment, because your disbursement is mostly based on what you earn in the final years.

In all this time, I have persevered, believing my role is clearly defined by the Lord. My children and the home are my primary work. What's more, I believe marriage is for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, no matter how hard those predicaments are. If my husband suddenly became brain-injured, I wouldn't be looking for another husband.

Just more grace.

Our children are growing, needing more and more food, so last April I started babysitting. Still, we were barely making it to the next payday, despite visiting the local food pantry once a month.

Suddenly, change teased from the horizon.

My husband got a first and second interview for a very good job and I began to hope, feeling that surely now the Lord would bless us. Eight years is long enough to endure priceless lessons in humility, gratitude, and reliance on God.

Surely, right? It must finally be our time.

Despite fasting and relentless praying, they chose someone else.

I was so devastated, you know? I have another family member desperately searching for full-time work after fifty, and I feel her pain keenly. She's been searching for over three years, going on many interviews, working very hard to prepare each time. And still nothing. They always choose someone else.

How do you keep hope alive? How do you keep on keeping on, searching for work and fetching expired cans and rotten lettuce and stinky potatoes from the food pantry, without completely losing it? How do you smile for the children and quote uplifting scriptures? (We are not hungry. Do not gift us...just let me share my path and how I attempt to navigate it for His glory...okay?)

The truth is, the Christian life is like this. Couples pray for babies and remain barren. Sick and mentally-challenged people pray for healing that never comes. Workers pray for jobs that don't materialize. Pastors pray for a large flock...one that never arrives.

Some no answers are temporary, and some for a lifetime.

That's not to say that prayer is a waste of time. Prayer--communing with the Holy Spirit--reminds us of His power and our humble state. Communing with the Spirit is a gift in and of itself.

Jesus didn't die to become our bottled Genie. The Bible tells us that God gives his children good gifts, but a fat bank account isn't necessarily a good gift. We are what we focus on and most of us focus on material needs. We spend a lot of time acquiring and planning to acquire, because to have nothing or not enough seems inconceivable.

When we focus on the material, we'll never have enough.

But when we focus on spiritual gifts? We find a goldmine within our own souls.

I have a choice. I can adjust my gaze, either squarely on my self and my perceived lack, or on Him and his spiritual brilliance and abundance.

The fleshly me sometimes exits the grocery store wishing for a different husband. One who can provide all the food we want, handily. The highest quality available, no less. These are fleeting thoughts that I hold captive quickly, having decided a long time ago that I wouldn't hold my husband accountable for my happiness. Happiness--or joy, rather--is between me and my God, not between me and my husband. My husband has his own battle for joy, and yours does too. We can't add to that burden.

Life, and marriage, are unspeakably hard. Life has always been hard, for every generation, at every historical point. The reasons it's hard may change over time, but no human ever had an easy life.

In the past people died often and young from disease; loss was commonplace for everyone. In the past people depended on good weather for an adequate harvest, and going hungry or eating only the same couple foods over and over was expected at times. War and injustice have ravaged hearts and lands for generations.

Adam and Eve are the only humans who had it easy....until they got cocky and wanted more. Gratitude is the cure for a perceived lack.

But it's not enough to give thanks for your home and family, for your food and clothes. That's shallow gratitude. To feel really full, give thanks for Him. Give thanks for who you are in Christ Jesus.

Take time to dwell there, in His presence. He is your prize. He is the gift. He is the answer. He is the yes you were waiting for. Wrap yourself in His eternal promises. Be quieted by His love.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today...Sunday, March 20

Outside my window...

It's supposed to be in the 20's tonight. Crocuses are blooming, the grass is greening but still muddy. It snowed today but after a week of spring temperatures, it didn't stick.

Inside the house...

We give the Easter baskets a week early, so right now there's artificial Easter grass and a couple candy wrappers on the living room floor, plus garden seed packets, a garden map the boys are making, and two large baskets of clothes to fold. Welcome to a house with four kids. I'm learning to take it in stride while still trying to keep up and keep them in line. We do devotions after dinner and sometimes, if it goes long, the living room stays messy until morning...because in my playbook late bedtimes are worse than a messy living room.

And I forgot something else in the living room. Twinkle the hamster--belonging to Mary who waited three years to grow old enough to own one--is going like mad on his hamster wheel while I type. What would I do without that noise and the loud furnace keeping me company while everyone is sleeping?

I am thinking...

That I don't like being 50 years old (my birthday was this month). Life is so very short and youth is fleeting, but I had my turn...now it's my children's turn to be young and vibrant and my turn to share wisdom and escort them into adulthood, which is a privilege and a prayer.

I went to the thrift store for spring clothes for the family, and I had to try on short-sleeved shirts. Not attractive once you hit fifty, let me tell you. Older arms develop sun spots and more freckles from all the years of sun exposure in cars and during summers, and skin is less elastic.

I have en elderly aunt here who wears long-sleeved shirts year round because she doesn't like to show her arms. I was 39 when we moved here and my arms were great, so I thought she was crazy wearing long-sleeves in a rather humid summer climate. Now...I get it! I probably won't ever be quite that vain, but I totally get it.

I am thankful...

For the Lord's grace and mercy, new everyday, for my children and husband, for the power of prayer and humility, for the eighth grade boys' Sunday School teacher taking the boys out to dinner and for laser tag (on his own dime), for Mary's Sunday School teachers hosting a fun event also, for the sweet toddlers in the nursery this morning, and the cute 2 year old who told me I was smart (apparently because I did an exemplary job reading Brown Bear Brown Bear to him :)). Children are non-judgmental and easily pleased. Beautiful human beings!

And I'm thankful that Peter is mature enough now to watch the kids while I go to the store. That has been a recent thing and it's going well so far. Hubby and I haven't been on a real date in years and years, so maybe that can come soon? 

What will we even talk about?!

Well, we best not talk about OCD, or money, or car or home repairs, or arthritis, or Donald Trump, or my husband's obstinate elderly father who lately is meaner than Donald Trump. 

That leaves...what? I can't think of a single thing to say. Help me?

I am wearing...

Blue jeans and a plum-colored sweater.

I am creating...

A profile on Care.com because I need a job. I thought about what I can do from home using my gifts and talents and passions. I love nurturing and teaching children and I love writing. Writing for money would require a great deal of time, so childcare it is.

I am going...

I never go anywhere special...too expensive...though special is a relative word. Nature is God's glory and it's free and it's very special...so there's that. The library, Walmart, the thrift store, the Rec Center that hosts homeschool gym, to parks, to the kids' doctor appointments...that's about it. I'm never bored however; every minute is accounted for and every minute is meaningful when you're with kids all day. Stay-at-home motherhood is not for everyone, but it is a purpose-driven life.

I am wondering...if anyone will read this entry? Stagnant blogs get forgotten fast, but I've avoided putting any pressure on myself to keep this up. After nine years of blogging, I've said everything over and over too many times already. Still, this is a pleasure of mine.

I am reading...

Peace Child.. a missionary book I assigned the boys.

I am hoping...

That my children will serve the Lord all the days of their lives and dwell in His house forever. And that someone will need my babysitting services on a part-time basis...because we have Beth's arthritis appointments to keep up with. I have to work around those.

I am learning...

That each day has enough trouble of its own, and enough blessings, too. You'll never know the extent of God's love and care if you don't count your blessings. You'll discover over and over that you do indeed have enough. Discontent melts away and joy prevails.

In my garden...

I love having a garden but I would never call it "my garden". I'm too busy with the house and meals and schooling to take care of the garden myself. Paul and Peter are planning it together this year. The seeds are purchased and now they're plotting the planting times and measuring the ground.

In my kitchen...

The dinner dishes are waiting for me and can I just say I hate dinner dishes? After seventeen years of marriage and fourteen years of motherhood, I think it's time to pass the dinner dishes onto the boys....at least several nights a week.

In the homeschool room...

Mary is reading chapter books and is much more independent with her school work. Beth, who likes school more than anyone else here, will soon be reading chapter books and she's thrilled. Both girls are doing 3rd grade Teaching Textbooks math, which has been wonderful for them. They love it and they're excelling. The TT guys are far better math teachers than I am!

A favorite quote for today...Psalms 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

One of my favorite things...long-sleeved solid-colored classy tees from Old Navy or other famous makers that are tight enough to show you're a woman, but loose enough to show you're a lady. They're the most practical thing to mother in, since I don't do sweats or sweatshirts. I get dressed to shoes every single day and while I don't dress up, I do want to look put together. They go with jeans and jean skirts and can be paired with scarves and cardigans and I love them! And Old Navy fades so slowly..the tees last a long time. Thrift stores are my only option and I jump for silent joy when I find a high-end long-sleeved tee.

From the board room...The board room? Who wrote these prompts, anyway?The kitchen and laundry room are my boardrooms. After twenty years on a clunky desktop PC, I now type on a Chromebook...so I suppose the comfy blue recliner in the living room is also a boardroom.

That's the state of things here, friend. And how are you?

3 Christian Marriage Essentials

Though neglected in this season of life, I do notice something about this blog: roughly 40 to 80 people a month land on this post: An Open Letter to Unhappy Christian Wives.

For the Church that's reason to grieve. Often when I pray about the anonymous readers, wondering what brought them to that post, I wonder: What can the Church do to save Christian marriages?

Here are some compelling marriage stats from a Christianity Today article:

In her newest book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shanti compiles some stats and conducts some research of her own on marriage, and specifically, what makes for a happy marriage.

53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."

She writes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness" (pg. 178, Highly Happy Marriages). (See her book for the methodology.) Dr. Wilcox finds that "active conservative protestants" who attend church regularly are actually 35% less likely to divorce than those who have no religious preferences. In all cases, notice the active element of the faith commitment. "Nominal" Christians, however, those who simply call themselves Christians but do not actively engage with the faith, are actually 20% more likely than the general population to get divorced—perhaps there is a link between putting on a show in the religious and relational context.

With this data in mind, here are three considerations for those desiring an enduring marriage:

1. Focus on God, and on the marriage the Holy Spirit is working out.

Trust God implicitly to mold yours into a godly marriage, regardless of how it looks today.

If God is at the center of a marriage, than it stands to reason he's at the center of both the husband's and wife's individual lives. However, if not, you can't force your husband to read the Bible. Focus on what you can do spiritually, and pray for your husband. Don't nag or be antagonistic. Your faithfulness and patience will be rewarded. The Holy Spirit will change hearts--any open heart, that is. Keep your own heart open using prayer and the Word as cleansing agents. A closed, bitter heart is the beginning of the end.

Your marriage is only as good as your reliance on Him.


2. Don't be a Christian in name only.

A nominal Christian has one to two feet in the world at all times, and the world destroys the sanctity and beauty of Christian marriage. If you're a nominal Christian, good luck with that 50th anniversary thing. It probably ain't happening.

Keep your feet and heart and head out of the world. Forsake the world's ways and save yourself and probably your marriage and kids, too. Ask God if you're a nominal Christian. His answer is all that matters, and it will be clear enough. Just ask. The Holy Spirit will then step in and clean house.


3. Remember what you deserve, and what you were given instead.

End entitlement in your heart and practice gratitude. God has given you exactly what He thinks is good for you. You don't agree with him? Be obedient anyway, just like you would expect from your children, who don't always know what's best.

Here's my story: My marriage is hard, but there are no on-going resentments. We aren't fighters. Moments of tired irritation occur for both of us, but that comes with having special-needs children. Special needs press in on a marriage. Date nights and all the other tricks to keep the home fires burning? They're a dream to couples dealing with children's problems. Such marriages thrive by the grace of God, not because of date nights or anything planned.

A godly marriage doesn't have to look romantic or ideal. It has to have a rock-solid foundation--which is Christ--and two flawed people extending grace toward one another, continually. When you look at your partner, look with Jesus glasses. Jesus sees a sinner in need of grace. Can't we do the same?

The Holy Spirit continually reminds me that I am receiving in Jesus Christ's far more than I could ever hope or imagine. Aren't the vast majority doomed to hell, sadly? The Bible overflows with love toward me and my husband, and because of that we want to honor God with our marriage. It's as simple as that. Gratitude. Our marriage is a gift to God, not to ourselves. Though with this perspective, the marriage is mutually satisfying. It does turn out as a gift, but not from each other. A gift from God, rather.

When you look at marriage-success advice, you'll see date nights and enough sex and other things the couple is supposed to do. But every family has a different situation. Some are caring for aging parents; some are caring for other special needs; some couples have disorders or diseases themselves. Many are exhausted and nothing about their lives looks ideal--for years on end, not just for a season. Are these couples doomed, without the date nights and all the sex and the candle-lit anniversaries?

What about, say...the Pilgrims from 1620? They came here and endured years of hardship, often with no privacy or security of food or life. Fifty percent perished the first year. Survival was the only thing on their minds, and yes, sometimes God has this kind of existence for us. All through history life has been very hard and from that perspective, our modern-day "date nights" are comical. 

Commitment, and faith in something greater than themselves, held the marriages of old together, not date nights. You either live for yourself, or you live for Someone greater. Nothing legacy-worthy comes from living for ourselves. The me-centered leave nothing behind, except the echo of their selfishness.

It's not about whether we remember anniversaries (July 3rd and we usually remember too late), or whether we buy gifts for one another (we don't), or whether we go to marriage retreats (we never have), or whether we spend time alone (maybe 20 - 30  minutes before sleep, a few nights a week). My husband's got an aging father to attend to, first of all.

It's about finishing the race we started on July 3, 1999, for His glory. There's no stopping, turning back, or wishing we chose differently. God is writing the story and we already know how it ends.

For his glory and our good.

Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage

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(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.

Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.

Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:

The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.

Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.

Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”

DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).

For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.

I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

Preparing Our Daughters For Lifelong Marriage Part 1

No doubt you're sick of hearing about the Duggars by now, but I really want to encourage mothers and wives by giving a Christian perspective on Anna Duggar's situation, and speak on how we can prepare our daughters for marriage and for a life of faith. Should we really "teach them to breathe fire" and would that prevent heartbreak in their lives?

In this first piece, I will deal with just the beginning portion of the worldly sentiments presented in the letter featured below. In another piece, I'll write on the breathe-fire portion.

Kirkland, a mother of two girls, recently wrote a Facebook post that went viral, detailed here and excerpted below:

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren't given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don't have to marry a man their father deems "acceptable" and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn't, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he's in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say "I don't deserve this, and my children don't deserve this." I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire.

It's tempting to champion this woman's cause given the completely humiliating manner in which Josh treated Anna. As much as I've cringed at Josh Duggar's heartbreaking sins and how unfavorably they reflect on Christianity, I'm mindful that we know very little information. Isn't that usually true, when we're tempted to judge others?

We have no idea what went on in their marriage or in their daily family life, but I know from experience that when you're caring for a newborn and other little ones, you have little interest in marital relations. (Don't roll your eyes yet...I am not going to excuse Josh or any other unfaithful spouse.) Weeks or sometimes months can go by without any attention to our husbands, easily, during this first year (or during times of intense stress), and our husbands are put in a difficult place, because to keep reminding us about their needs appears insensitive to our exhaustion or our feelings. I think many men remain silent so as not to provoke us or feel like schmucks.

Most women are aroused by feeling close to and in love with their husbands, and by being rested and relaxed enough to feel light and playful. Men are aroused far more easily (given their visual bent) and can even be aroused during times of exhaustion and intense stress.

Communication is very, very important here.

Our husbands are responsible before God for their decisions and actions, no matter whether we remember their needs or not. It isn't fair to blame an overwhelmed and physically exhausted mother for her husband's pornography habit or an affair, but it is wise for mothers to prepare their daughters to keep lines of communication open with their husbands in the year after childbirth, and during times of intense family stress. It's an unwise woman who assumes her husband is doing fine, as long as he isn't nagging for attention. Grace must abound on both sides.

God always provides a way out of temptation and open communication is one of those means in a marriage.

I am not indicating by these statements that I think Josh is a real Christian gone wrong, or that by more marital relations their issues could have been prevented. I don't know his spiritual state, but total deception such as his can start with small spiritual compromises, accompanied by a sense of entitlement. Satan is sure to spur us on in our compromises, by increasing our sense of entitlement.

We need to resist the temptation to make villains of one spouse or the other when we hear bits and pieces of marital stories, since no one knows the inner workings of a marriage, as I said. We do best to pray for our own marriage and the marriages within our churches. Because marriage. is. hard.

I resolve to prepare my daughters for the complexities of married life...for how many of us went into marriage wholly unprepared for the complexity, and had to make mistakes to learn how to dance well together? A lifelong marriage will have very low points, and only the strongest finish the race.

The world will scream for us to cut our losses, get out and start over, but the spiritually steadfast and long-suffering stay the course (though if you are being abused, put physical and emotional distance between you and the abuser, by all means).

And incidentally, when an adulterer remains unrepentant, he is abusing his wife emotionally and she is justified in leaving, with the Lord's blessing. Before it becomes clear that an adulterer is unrepentant, I believe the Lord would rather we keep our eyes on Him and proceed cautiously, though we can leave for adultery right away, if desired.

The world would have us believe that a women who stays is weak and stupid, but God's glory shines through us best when we focus on His character, rather than on what we deserve.

Kristen Welsh from We Are That Family successfully dealt with her husband's addiction to pornography (he's an ex youth pastor) and they have a strong marriage now. With our eyes on God instead of on our immediate heartache, marriage can persevere.

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. This is a worldly perspective only. Anna Duggar is (let's assume), a born-again Christian and as such, she's got eternal life to look forward to, rather than eternal suffering. Contrary to Ms. Kirkland's sentiment, Anna is blessed beyond measure.

The 20-year-old woman who gets in a car accident a month before her wedding and becomes a paraplegic for life, is in a pretty awful situation, too, but like Anna's situation, it's part of the sin curse. We all suffer and everyone has devastating periods in their lives, whether they come early or later in our middle years. We all need divine strength to get through the day. We all need to be thankful for every day, and reminded that godliness with contentment is great gain.

Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. 

Anna was crippled by her parents? While at least a two-year degree or a vocational skill is desirable before marriage, the Bible does not ask us to put our hope in education. Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

The Bible does mandate one type of education--spiritual education, as outlined here:

Deuteromony 11:19 "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. "You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,…

The Bible also teaches that if we put the Kingdom of God first, then God will provide for all of our daily needs, education or not--and I say this as someone who, as a former public educator, has been guilty in the past of worshiping education.

Matthew 6:32-34 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It's so easy for all of us to disregard this verse when our daily bread appears insecure, as it may for Anna right now, but God's Word stands firm, no matter our circumstances. When we make a commitment to live each day for his glory and give tomorrow to Him, our joy abounds.

Modeling Humility for the Children

Today was a long, hard day characterized by non-stop deep-cleaning of the bedrooms. We take better care of common areas than we do the bedrooms, so it was time to take a snow day and get busy. I rarely give my children snow days or cold weather days as the local school district does, so there was no guilt in this decision, but I definitely wanted it done in one day.

Thus, the non-stop pace. Being a very goal-oriented person and knowing my kids don't do well with too much time off, I put a lot of pressure on myself to finish by evening, working hard from 10 AM on, only stopping to eat a sandwich while standing up.

We got all the junk out from under the beds and off surfaces and processed all the paper, dust, and unneeded stuff.

Boy that's a good feeling, and it makes the bedrooms easier to dust and vacuum in a snap.

The master bedroom was the worst; that's where stuff is stashed when I don't have time to process clutter before guests arrive. I was so ashamed of that room, yet there was never a chunk of time to tackle it.

The kids did a share of the work, then had free time while I finished up--free time that led to more messes. I tried hard to curb my growing irritation, but near dinner a headache pounded, so off we went to the pharmacy for my Imitrex, as well as to Little Ceasar's.

If you're a mom, you know what it's like. Sometimes you just have to stop everything and deal with clutter to get your sanity back. And when you've knocked yourself out and the rooms look smashing and ultra-organized, you probably expect some praise or at least a thank-you.

My kids were very grateful and full of praise, knowing how hard I worked. They went to bed in very nice looking rooms, happily. I'd even made special places for their stuffed animals, which thrilled them.

But hubby? It wasn't good. 

The pharmacy didn't have my prescription ready so we returned with me still sporting a pounder, already having tried the over-the-counters.

Hubby got home and went into the bedroom to get something. He paused more than usual, surveyed the room, and only came out to say, "Where are my CD's?"

Oh, man. That didn't go over too well for me. That room looked superb, after looking like trash for weeks, and that's all he has to say? Did he even have a clue how much paperwork and clutter I went through to thoroughly clean in there?

Exhausted and head-achy and mad, I could only think of how much he's becoming like his father. Mean-spirited, never praising, never appreciating anything...or so it seems.

In front of the kids I told him he's becoming just as mean as his dad and why couldn't he at least say the room looks nice?

When I'm mad he says nothing, always waiting for a calm wife to address anything that was said. He's amazing that way and I love him for it. Because of it, we aren't fighters. The Lord works on me, and him, separately, and then we move on easily, understanding each other without many words. I always apologize humbly for carelessly thrown words or wrong attitudes, and he always sees where he might be wrong, without me having to explain anything further.

As soon as the belittling comment left my lips I was horribly ashamed, but too shaken and exhausted to do anything about it just then. I went off by myself to finish the vacuuming while they ate pizza. Then, because I was still mad about being overworked and under-appreciated, I let loose some anger on the kids for their messes during the day, which still lay unattended.

So, that was my day. Productive yet shameful, and too much pressure on myself.

They're all in bed now and I'm just sitting here, feeling oh-so-humbled, analyzing it all in the quiet of the night.

I don't know what I would do without this time alone in the quiet of the night to process my day, my feelings, my shortcomings and my sins. It's a time to pray and process Scripture and listen to the Holy Spirit, before writing out what He wants from me.

My husband's love language is quality time and mine is affirming words, though these days I do fine as long as people aren't hurtful with their words; I no longer need much affirming, as long as there isn't a lot of criticizing.

Despite understanding love languages, I'm not very good about spending time with him and he's not very good about being appreciative or affirming. Somehow, the marriage grows in grace nevertheless, with the commitment unwavering. We need to be educated in love languages to understand where a spouse is coming from, but we don't learn new tricks easily.

My husband's father was a critical man who never praised his wife for anything, no matter how hard she worked at home. My husband is an improved version of his father--not generally critical, but he does take my work for granted most of the time, which I'm used to and handle fine on typical days. As he gets older I see more of his father in him and I wonder how I'll handle it.

I'm afraid to ask if he sees my mother in me, but he's spent very little time with her, so I think I'm safe for now, even though I must admit my temper to myself and to God.

That's got to be a pretty universal thing among spouses, I would think...or maybe it's just me. You think you're seeing the worst of your father-in-law in your husband. Or a husband sees the worst of his mother-in-law in his wife. Probably true, but probably exaggerated in our minds as well.

Some time ago I realized I would never become the perfect, submissive wife. My kids would never see in me the biblical model of womanhood...or at least not consistently. So I began to pray about my weaknesses in front of them. I wanted them to understand that marriage is about continually praying you'll get better. Better at respecting your husband. Better at loving your wife. Better at forgiving. Better at being kind to an overtired, overworked spouse. Better at turning the other cheek. Better at praying for the marriage, for the spouse, for one's own humility before God.

At the end of the day, the message is the same from the Holy Spirit. I don't have to be the perfect wife or mother. I just need to be a humble wife and mother who leads her children to Jesus by going ahead of them, to His loving, redeeming arms, asking yet again for His forgiveness and blessing.

In the morning during devotions with the kids, I'll apologize and confess my impatience and harsh words, and ask that the Lord make me a submissive, loving wife, and a kindly, gentle mother.

We can't be good, so we better be humble. Once we realize we'll never be good, we grow in grace.

Do you have days like that? When you try to please everyone, only to end up making a fool of yourself?

Updated: Marriage, Pink Frosting, and Divorce

*Updated at the end

We all enjoy chocolate in this family, so for birthdays I make the same delicious, moist, homemade chocolate cake every time, with homemade chocolate frosting. A couple of the kids, however, have their minds set on colored frosting. They're enticed by the fancy, store-bought look of it.

I don't have much luck with food coloring myself, so I usually just buy a commercial frosting in these cases, like today, when Beth wanted pink frosting on her birthday cake. I hate feeding my family this unnatural, poor-tasting frosting, but it's a couple times a year at most, so it's not worth arguing over.

But everyone--except the enticed one--will usually say something akin to..."This frosting is awful."

Someone asked me for marriage advice this week and I've prayed about what to advise, if anything. (We'll get back to the frosting shortly.) I have very few details, but I know this particular situation did not involve domestic violence. Please, if you are being abused, get away to a shelter or to a family member or friend capable of protecting you.

If you and your children are really unhappy, and you've tried encouraging everyone involved, to no avail, what is the next step?

Divorce is enticing when everyday life with your spouse is unpleasant and stressful, or when most days feel hateful, or at best, loveless. I've never reached this point and I pray I never will, but I can imagine it feels utterly hopeless, with a long, dreadful road ahead.

But consider this: Divorce is like the pink frosting. Looks mighty enticing at first, but when you take the bait and have a mouthful of it...yuck. Definitely not what you hoped for.

After the divorce, problems crop up faster than July weeds. Personal problems multiply; children's problems multiply; money problems multiply. Your quality of life won't improve; you only trade one set of problems for all new, multifaceted problems that will be with you until death.

I don't know any divorced, content people, other than those who came to Christ after their divorce. Getting remarried isn't promising either; statistics show the majority of second and third marriages also end in divorce. Although, the success rates of second marriages may be higher than average when the divorces proceeding them were for biblically-sound reasons. The statistics we generally have available aren't broken down this way.

Anyhow, before we discuss what to do for unpleasant marriages, what about the worst kind of marriages? Does the Bible protect us?

Scriptural reasons for divorce: 

~ Unrepentant adultery (Matthew 19: 6, 9)

~ Abandonment by a non-believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:15). If you are a Christian, having become one either before or after you married, and your spouse is a non-Christian, you should stay in the unequally yoked marriage unless your unbelieving spouse chooses to divorce you. If the spouse divorces or leaves you, then you are not bound to the marriage covenant any longer. You are free to get remarried.

Valid reasons for separation, and subsequent counseling/law enforcement/court involvement:

~ Physical or sexual abuse of adults or children
~ Ongoing drug or alcohol abuse
~ Stealing or other unlawful activity
~ No attempt from husband to support family as expected, outside of mental or physical injury or disorder

The Bible doesn't ask you to stay in an unlawful situation (violence against another that is not self-defense, is illegal). We are to submit to the governing authorities over us, including the laws of the land.

If the above don't apply to the marriage, what then?

I'm assuming you have already tried:

1.  Praying regularly for your marriage.

2.  Being consistent with your personal devotional time.

Any positive change starts with these two things. The Holy Spirit is our Counselor. We need to seek his wisdom in all things, through Bible reading and prayer.

Sometimes a change of heart is needed, such as more gratitude, more humility, more meekness, more faithfulness, or just more faith, period.

Other times it's more complicated, such as when one or both spouses have a chronic disorder such as autism spectrum disorder, bipolar, ADHD, depression, PTSD, chronic fatigue, etc. In these instances we may need a counselor or a professional book to address the ways these disorders affect the marriage. Just being an adult child of an alcoholic can affect a marriage.

When you're in the middle of the turmoil, it's hard to think or see clearly; the downward spiral is exhausting.

A Problem Solving Conference

Choosing the calmest time for both of you, put all the possible issues on the table that may be affecting your interaction with one another. Think of this not as a time to blame, but as an investigative conference over coffee (my husband and I hate coffee, so that's laughable). Look back even to memories of your parents' marriages and how their patterns may have negatively impacted yours.

When talking about the issues, restrict your statements to "I feel" statements, rather than "You keep doing such and such". If someone gets defensive and angry, you're going no where with this. Have a signal agreed upon beforehand, like the rattle of the car keys, to indicate that someone feels blamed, so you can both regroup and start again, begging each other's pardon.

Once you have a laundry list of possible issues affecting your marriage, classify them based upon what's needed to solve them. For example, if there is depression or anxiety, a counselor or doctor might be needed, so keep a column for "professional help".

If one of you is an adult child of an alcoholic, you could probably get by with reading Adult Children of Alcoholics, rather than seeing a counselor (or both), so make a column for "self-help or spiritual books".

If one of you has ADHD, there are blogs you can read related to having an ADHD-impacted marriage, and books as well. These particular ADHD picks are not Christian, but you could glean something helpful and add it to your spiritual knowledge base.

If you're a mouse and you married a roaring lion, or vice versa, there is often a reason for that, and you need not be miserable forever in the marriage. Dysfunctional upbringings bring about some pretty interesting combinations, but God can redeem the unhealthy patterns. He can use counselors and pastors and books to help us unlock the mysteries in our marriages. Just be prepared to have someone point out your sins (through your prayer time, while you're in the Bible, or in counseling with your pastor). Because any marriage problem will deal with sin of one kind or another, even if lack of grace is the only one.

There are systematic approaches to solving problems, and when we say we've tried everything, I wonder how much of that is emotional, and how much reality? Where are the notes or the data proving we've tried everything?  Did the counselor or pastor give up too? Did he or she say it was hopeless? Pretend you are a counselor who has to keep good notes to prove to a supervisor that you tried everything to save a marriage. Yours.

Three Final Points

~ Remember, God is mighty to save. It is with his power that we succeed at all. Trying to do any of this in your power won't work. Wake up every morning, asking, What can I do for my marriage today, God? Let it be Him doing the work, through you. Look ahead to what God will do in your marriage, and don't get stuck in today.

~ There are so many unknowns in life, our marriages included. My husband could die in a car accident tomorrow. He could fall off a ladder and suffer a brain injury next week. Our issues could improve with time and less stress, or they could get worse with age and health issues. We just don't know. My six-year-old Beth has an aggressive auto-immune arthritis and she may or may not ever grow out of it. She may not be up to having many children, depending on what her joints are like in her twenties. I have no idea how it all will affect her life, her movement, her outlook.

Some things in life just stink and we have to accept them, looking forward to heaven and perfection. Some marriage situations just stink and they are a cross to bear for some, such as with brain injury tragedies. (Happened to a vice principal at my old high school--fell off a ladder while putting up Christmas lights and never worked again). They have to be accepted, for want of a better solution. That stinks, but God is not absent from that, anymore than he is from my daughter's chronic disease. He is still there, comforting, providing daily grace. You are never alone.

~ Gratitude is a solution to almost any woe. You can be personally grateful for things in your life, outside of your husband and your marriage, and this attitude of heart will radiate outward, and I bet it influences your husband for good. Your inner beauty, gathered from Bible readings, quiet time with the Father in prayer, glad times writing in your gratitude journal...these will all add to the beauty and joy in your life, regardless of your husband and marriage. You are more than your marriage...more than a wife.

You are a daughter of the King first.

* Updated - While in the shower this morning the Lord gave me a word to add to this.

We are in the season of Advent, which is a time of anticipation and waiting. Indeed, before the coming of the Christ child, the world was without a word from the Lord for 400 years. Those long years represent the time between the last prophet and the coming of the Messiah. Silence.

Children have a hard time in this season, anticipating the opening of any packages, and even as adults sometimes, we haven't come very far in our ability to delay gratification. We want every desire fulfilled yesterday, not tomorrow or five years from now.

What is missing, most often, is our ability or desire to rest and abide in Christ. Most things, except our hunger and shelter and clothing, can wait, if only we learn to abide in Christ. I give you a link, rather than try to explain abiding, because it's a topic requiring a post of its own, which I will get to.

Remember that the Lord is mostly about the business of two things--magnifying His glory and securing souls. A divorce glorifies Satan, while a previously messy, disastrous marriage, restored and glorified, magnifies Christ and his power. God wants to remake your marriage. He loves to do it, but it can't be done overnight.  Maybe not even in a year, or two years. You may be ready, but your spouse? Not so much? Don't despair about that, because God is all about miracles. Didn't he get you ready?

We simply must learn to abide in Him while he works. Consider that our whole lives, more curves will come. Abiding is the answer, no matter the problem. Problems will come and go, but abiding is like a foundation that never falters.

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A Marathon of Thanks, Part 3

Psalm 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.

~ Children are my passion and in that I have a partner, Peter, and maybe Mary, too. They both love to bless children at church or here at home. I'm clinging to God's promises and praying that he teaches me boundaries fast, so I can pass on balance to my brood as they serve others.

~ Teaching four year olds regularly at church has been a good, solid learning experience. One aspect of the learning has been discerning what makes a Sunday School curriculum appropriate for preschoolers--something I've wrestled with for my students. The Gospel Project, a curriculum my church is locked into for another year, is not appropriate for preschoolers. I've worked with other preschool ages in the last two years as well, and I've gathered anecdotal notes in my mind for future reference, should I ever want to partner with my son Paul as he writes Christian curriculum.

When I was first told, upon volunteering in the children's department, that I would be teaching every other week, I thought it was a bad idea for my family for various reasons. I had read the welcome packet carefully and it didn't say how frequently a teacher serves, so I assumed it was once a month, which was typical in most churches. Once I knew the truth, I didn't feel like I could back out. But God knew what he was doing. I love my students and I'm always happy to see them, and Peter is too. Mary comes in occasionally, too, to work on her leadership skills. I'm filing away so much about how to teach the very young about Jesus, God, and faith.

~ When I first offered to watch my neighbor twice a week, it didn't seem like much of a stretch. Even my husband, who is always hesitant to add new responsibilities to our plate, didn't think it would be a big effort to add another child two nights a week. We already have this neighbor boy for AWANA nights and twice a month for Bible study. However, in our previous experiences with him--lasting not much more than 2 hours at a time--we hadn't seen the full range of behaviors and issues he struggles with. Adding him into the mix for 5 to 6 hours twice a week has changed our lives quite a bit. It's not a paid endeavor because I wanted to help my neighbor, not add another bill to her life. Nor did I think it a good idea to have a financial relationship with a neighbor. As such, if we feel we can't handle the situation, we can back out, but that would be devastating to our young friend, because he loves coming here. So we have discussed as a family how to make this work, where the boundaries should be, how to streamline the whole experience, how to minimize certain behaviors, etc.

One thing I've noticed is that when we are not serving our neighbor, we are enjoying each other more. We more keenly appreciate the blessing that is nuclear family, and we take note of the blessing that is sacrificial love--that is, giving up our ideal evening for the sake of another...our neighbor child and his working grandmother.

There are still times in that 6-hour segment that I wrestle with God, wondering why in the world I got myself into it. But the voice I always hear confirms that love is stretching. Love is hard. Love can be as a dull ache at times. But we don't love alone. And love doesn't leave us the same, but better.

~ I've been married 14 years. I can tell you we didn't bargain for special-needs children and the rocky ride they turn a marriage into. I'm thankful that my marriage is not defined by any one response, any one day, any one attitude. It's defined by a mutual love for Jesus Christ, and a mutual awe for His grace and mercy. It's defined by unyielding commitment. It's defined by hope. I'm thankful for my husband.

Tonight, I'm thankful for all the little journeys. The stretching of me as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a giver, a sharer of Hope.

Father & Son Clash, Wife Resents Husband

I've already written my post for today, but I wanted to take this downtime opportunity to write a post I've contemplated writing for a long time. It has been delayed because the Lord had to work on sinful things in my heart before I could write with perspective.

I'll bet you've heard plenty of stories about fathers who allegedly treat their sons badly, and of wives who abhor their husbands because of it. Personally, I've never heard such stories about a father's relationship with a daughter.

What gives? Why is this such a hotbed issue in marriages? And why always over fathers and sons?

A woman we casually know divorced almost two years ago, mostly because of the way her husband treated their son. From her perspective, her husband didn't understand the son, he didn't try to nurture him, develop a bond, discover what was wonderful and unique about him. I can't say for sure, but she probably feared the dad was ruining the son, who was artsy, highly intelligent, and somewhat effeminate.

There were other marital issues, but this loomed largest. She complains about it to her girlfriends at work to this day. (She's an office worker in one of the buildings my husband cleans, and she used to be part of my now defunct homeschool group. I'd met her once back then).

Two years out from the divorce, does her son feel "rescued" from his "vastly inferior" father? No. He has a contentious relationship with his mother. Now 16 years old, he blames her for the divorce.

My husband and son have a contentious relationship. My husband has, if not bonafide ADHD, enough symptoms to make it pretty close. My 12-year-old son has moderate ADHD and OCD. These two are more alike than they'd like to admit and they clash. Neither sings the other's praises, and neither has much grace to offer the other.

My husband loves to read to the boys at night. In fact, it's how he contributes to our homeschooling effort. He does the read-alouds that go with their curriculum. If anything gets in the way of this time, my husband is disappointed.

However, it's also a challenging time because Peter, like most ADHD children, interrupts every 3 sentences or so to ask questions or make comments. My husband then, also having ADHD, has no patience for this; he has a short fuse. About every 5 minutes I hear, "Stop talking!" He doesn't have the discipline skills to come up with a strategy to get Peter to self-monitor, so every night it's the same thing. Neither learns from their mistakes, which is characteristic of ADHD.

When husband walks through the door at 7 PM every night, I look like I've been through an epic battle, and I have. I'm drained emotionally and I can barely manage a smile. Husband resents Peter for doing this to me. He can barely manage a hello for Peter, but for the other kids he does much more.

This disdain for Peter breaks my heart, and I think he should be capable of more grace than that. Peter didn't ask for a disorder that makes him question his salvation all day, or that makes him feel in deep sin if he brushed past my bra that was hanging to dry on the chart paper stand, or that makes him cringe as he sits next to his sister to teach her science.

He didn't ask for ADHD that makes him interrupt and have trouble sitting still at meals, and makes him follow me around and talk incessantly and ask for dogs incessantly. He didn't ask for a mind for which the grass is always greener on the other side because he can.  never. get. enough. stimulation.

Since the concussion that occurred in late August, both his ADHD and OCD are worse, but his academic status is back to normal. Just getting out of bed and doing it all again another day is challenging for Peter some days. My husband does get that I think, but if he gave it too much thought, he would get too mad at God.

You have an ideal picture in your mind of the father you want your husband to be, but remember, your son doesn't necessarily have that same image in his. Think of the story I relayed above. The woman's son wasn't complaining about his father. She was. When she divorced, the son wasn't mad at his father for upsetting his mother. He was mad at his mother for breaking up their family.

From the gossip in the office, it appears the son still isn't complaining about his father.

My own husband's father was far from stellar, but my husband spends two hours every two days on the phone with him, despite my husband working 54-hour weeks, on his feet doing custodial work. His dad is almost 92 and lives alone and needs these phone calls.

My husband bears his father no ill will, despite the fact that his father never said I love you to him, never once affirmed him, never asks about our kids, never even asks how my husband is, etc. The list is long of what this father never did for his son or with his son. (I should say there's some mental illness present.)

My point is, don't get in the way by forcing your ideal view of a father down your son's throat. The ideal father is just that...ideal. He exists, but mostly he will come out of a generational Christian home, or from the fruit of a long-standing discipleship relationship.

The other thing to remember is, what kind of dad did your husband have growing up? If you must judge his fathering, judge it based on the modeling he had, not on your ideal. Even if he's heard plenty of sermons on what a Christian father should be, it's hard to drop the patterns he grew up with.

My husband is an amazing father considering the lack of affirmation he grew up with. I am astounded at what the Lord has done! He comes home and never takes a minute to himself.

Yes, I wish he viewed children as a blessing and not as a stresser. Yes, I wish he didn't view his work as a relief from the stress of his children's problems. He and I view children differently, and that is one of the main things God has taught me. Read on to see what else I've learned.

What God has Shown Me:

~ It's not a triangle

We have to stop thinking of the problem as a triangle involving father, son, and mother. Instead, think of a vertical line image. Each of us is responsible to God for our relationships. I answer to God regarding my relationship with my husband, and my husband answers to God regarding his relationship with his son. If I make my husband answer to me regarding his relationship with his son, many things will go awry. That triangle reality is not biblical and we need to avoid it.

~ Don't Underestimate Your Son's Maturity

With you out of the way, your son will likely have the maturity to realize that yes, my dad has some issues, but all in all, he's a great guy. He'll love him, warts and all. As a tween or teen, your son will encounter some dads out there far worse than his own, and from that, some perspective will come. He may also encounter a few who seem better, and that's when your own maturity will come into play. Start building up his father in his eyes, if you haven't already done so. Learning to count our blessings always helps when the grass looks greener elsewhere.

~ Emphasis The Perfect Parent, Our Heavenly Father

My son and I have had conversations about his father, but not since the Lord has given me new perspective. I've explained that the lack of patience stems from his father's ADHD tendencies. Now, my conversations about parents focus on the fact that all earthly parents are flawed. We can never get it right. We can never love as perfectly as we'd like...as unselfishly as we imagine we should. I ask that my children please look to their heavenly father for perfection, not to us.

I tell them that mommy and daddy get tired, frustrated, cranky and punchy. We say the wrong things, or the right things the wrong ways. Sometimes we fail to say things that need to be said. Sometimes as sinful as we parents are, we assume our children should be perfect and keep their rooms nice and be nice to each other and do school work without griping.

~ It Could Be Jealousy

Women tend to be devoted mothers, but not devoted wives once they become mothers. My husband misses me. He will miss me until the kids move out and he finally has me back. He loves his children, but they took me away, so in a sense, I think some men are jealous of their children (maybe more so of sons, because they have special relationships with mothers?).

If this might be the case, the answer is to concentrate on honoring and serving our husbands. I know energy is not limitless, but even making their favorite dessert, wearing their favorite bedtime thing, trying to go to bed at the same time they do once or twice a week...whatever. Doing one kind thing a week for them to start would make a difference.

God is a jealous God for his bride, The Church. The husband is jealous too for his bride.

~ Someday, The Children Will Be Gone

If you make your entire marriage about your husband's fathering skills, what will you do when the children are all gone and you and your husband hate each other, but don't believe in divorce? Nurture your marriage if for no other reason than that God expects you to live with this man forever. There is no way out, my Christian friend. I tell you, there are good things about the man sitting across from you. Find them out and give thanks for them.

~ Trust God to be the Making of Your Son

Even if things are really as bad as you allege, trust God to be the making of your son. Be a Christian soldier of a mother. Concentrate on that.

Really, do children succeed because of parents, or in spite of them? God can redeem anything for his glory, and he often chooses the worst examples of sin from which to shine his glory. Didn't the line of Christ include prostitutes?

~ Concentrate on the Plank in Your Own Eye

We women can be bossy and critical and as such, we keep missing the planks in our own eyes. Humble yourself before the Lord and get off your husband's back. I actually have way more flaws than my husband, if I'm honest with myself. There, I said it. Thank you, Lord, for the courage to do so.

~ Encourage One on One

If you get involved at all, let it be to encourage one on one dates between father and son. My husband and son get along well when it's just the two of them. Last time the two of them went to the park alone, my son told me later that night how much he loved his father. Warmed my heart. ADHD always minimizes in one-on-one situations.

I remember having to send this severe ADHD first grader down to the principal's office back in my teaching days. When I'd go to the office to use the bathroom later that day, the secretaries would say how charming the little boy was. Oh, how I wanted to roll my eyes. He retired me from teaching. This is the same boy who pulled a knife on two kids when he was in the second grade.

Yes, ADHD kids are charming all right...when they're one on one with you. It's when they have to compete for attention that they have problems.

~ Pray For Your Husband in All His God-Given Roles

One of the most loving, sacrificial acts of the mother and wife, is prayer.

Bless you, friend, if you struggle with this in your home. Trust God.

Simple Woman's Daybook 10/7

Outside my window...

A vibrant array of color, the leaves delight me as always in this, my favorite season.

Not too fast, I want to shout to the heavens...not too fast.

Some leaves pile on the ground already, thrown asunder by the wind, reminding me that time passes quickly and there's nothing I can do about it. We must hug our little ones and big ones alike, for in no time our children will be off to their first apartment, thrown asunder by a swiftly moving clock life, leaving us to wonder why we ever minded the noise or the mud or all that laundry.

Oh, but to have them all back again, we'll say, tears running down our cheeks.

Snuggle up and savor. Fill them up with all your heart has to offer, and with all the Lord has to offer, through you.

I am thinking...

Why does it have to be so hard? That has crossed my mind numerous times these last couple weeks. We're going to these psychology appointments, but change, progress, is slow. Fear is a force; it must be understood and reckoned with, and we are learning that this is both simple and not so simple, especially when fear behaves like a tsunami, taking reason with it.

I guess I expected that once we were pursuing the solution, all would be well, but it may be many months of abiding in Christ. Why was I thinking I had the golden egg of solutions?

Because when is a psychologist really a solution? A solution to what? Life is as messy as it is beautiful and the Lord is my shepherd and my psychologist...I shall not want and everything I need is right there in the down payment on my inheritance...the Holy Spirit...talking to me through my prayers and through my Bible reading and through my hardest moments.

This guy behind the desk in the medical building? He can only do what the Lord wills. He's one of God's graces for us in the grand scheme of anxiety disorders, but he's not the answer to having enough endurance...to finishing the race before me. God has already equipped me with everything I need. My work, my job, is to be thankful, obedient, and available as a servant.

I am thankful for...

~ a reading program for dyslexics available to homeschoolers (reading is a grueling process for the dyslexic and one I was not privy to understand before). I don't know what I would have done without the All About Reading curriculum. I decided to use it for both Mary and Beth, though at two different levels. I wanted to prevent any problems with Beth as she becomes a reader, since dyslexia is highly heritable.

~ cooler days--especially mornings and nights, hot cocoa, baking smells in the kitchen again, pumpkin foods, apple foods, lots of homemade soups

~ a marriage that perseveres. The anxiety disorders in the children are taking their toll on our marriage, as is common when children have stressful conditions, but this marriage is solidly based on commitment, not on happiness, so grueling times like this do not shake its foundation. Praise God for that. A marriage that has seen hard times can be a testimony, and right now I am holding on tight for the glory of God. Marriage and raising children is not so much about us, but about the glory of God. Singleness can be the same, though through different avenues of bringing glory.

~ a reorganized, centralized homeschooling area for quick access to the books and assignment sheets we need throughout the day

~ a reorganized laundry-folding and storing system that leaves Mommy only folding the parental laundry. These changes have proven very helpful. The children each have their own standard-sized laundry basket containing their clean pajamas, sweats, and socks/underwear to fold and put away, plus a few towels and washcloths each. I hang everything else straight from the dryer.

~ a four-year-old Down Syndrome boy joined my church Sunday school class this last week and I really wanted to take him home with me...Peter did too. I love special needs children.

~ Sunday school children to love, though I do miss holding the babies in the nursery. I am only with the 4-year-olds now.

~ Our new church is the best church I've ever attended. We've been there about 7 weeks now I'm guessing. It isn't the AWANA church I wrote about, but a different church I found online about twenty minutes from us. I can't put my finger on what is different, but I want to say...they're just very humble, average guys (2 pastors and a youth minister) trying to minister to us, but very talented at it too. They don't view ministry through a staff vs. church member lens. Everyone is equal--there are no cliques. We're all messed-up sinners in need of grace and love and wisdom, pursuing it together, and trying to be it together, for the glory of God. That's what it feels like there and I love it and it's unanimous...the whole family loves it!

For a long time I've wanted to find such a church home, but I came to the conclusion you bloom where you're planted and make the best of it, finding all the good you could. This feels like such a joy finally...my spirit is happy there. There are tons of babies and toddlers and families--it's teaming with life the second you walk in the doors. A young church with a sprinkling of us old folks, who are all happy to look around and laugh at the joy of it all.

I am wearing...

flannel pajamas and slippers because it's late night. I had to wait until all my school prep was done before I could write tonight (as well as the dishes done and the socks and underwear put in the dryer).

I am reading...

My Bible, Little Pear from the girls' Core B curriculum (an amazingly cute and quaint classic I missed as a child and adult), Overcoming Dyslexia, Talking Back to OCD

Scripture to share... Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

6 Traits of Functional Families

I think we come across the word dysfunctional far more than we do the word functional when it comes to families. My own little nuclear family here has two major things working against us:

~ We have too little support.
~ Our stresses are serious, and ongoing.

Generally speaking, I would say that families can get through much turmoil, whether ongoing or temporary, if only they have adequate support, but what about when that's missing? Is there any hope for those families? What can make the difference? What characteristics separate the healthy families from the dysfunctional ones, even under less than ideal circumstances, such as chronic illnesses, mental disorders, and other issues?

My non-scientific observations and opinions, open to discussion, are as follows:

Five Characteristic of Functional Families 

1. Healthy Families Are Not Afraid of Conflict 

They don't push problems under the rug to keep the peace. They live in truth. Keeping feelings inside, hidden, is living a lie.

John 8:31-32 … So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The truth sets us free spiritually, and in our interpersonal relationships too. Healthy families believe this and get it all out there in the open, and discuss it, if not always in even tones, at least not in brutal, disrespectful tones. Be angry, but don't sin in your anger. Healthy families may fight, but they fight fair. They keep the cussing and character assassinations out of it, and the divorce word out of it. If anything regretful does slip, it's apologized for promptly, within minutes.

It's easy to keep the fighting words out of it, if things aren't repressed. If someone has offended you, put it out there promptly, but not at 12 AM preferably. The more problems are held inside, the more violently they come out when the flood gates are finally opened.

Don't give resentment time to build, for I think most family therapists would agree that resentments are the beginning of the end. They become so entangled and ugly over the years, that no one save God can get the knots out, and many people don't feel that God moves fast enough. Because really, doesn't God only move as fast as our own pride moves aside?

We all know what a stumbling block human pride can be, and that leads us to number 2.

2. Healthy Families Are Full of Humble People

Psalms 18:27 For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down.

Change in any family starts with, not the other people, but with yours truly. We have to be willing to look inward and recognize and pray for the removal of our own sins. The Holy Spirit is trying all the time to point them out, but He needs our cooperation--our humble, teachable heart. The family prayer circle should always include a plea for humble hearts.

3. Healthy Families Are Full of Grace

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you

It stands to reason that if each family member is in touch with his own personal sinfulness, he's going to be more willing to apply grace to another member's shortcomings. Not holding grudges is key. Each day should bring everyone a clean slate, for isn't that what our Heavenly Father does for us, giving us new mercies every morning? If you wake up and can't give your family members a clean slate, pray for a clean heart.

4. Healthy Families Are Thankful

If you think about all the reasons you're doomed as a family, then...well...you're doomed. Take time at least once a week, hopefully more, to count your blessings. Take life one day at a time. The Bible tells us that each day has enough trouble of its own. Don't borrow trouble from another day. Pray through today's trouble, and give thanks. Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

5. Healthy Families Are Sacrificial

No one person in the healthy family is out for personal glory. Personal goals are weighed against the good of the whole family unit. If Dad's career, for example, is taking him away three quarters of the month, is it worth it? Can the family be without its spiritual leader this long and still be healthy? If mom's work or side activities are distracting her from the children and/or the home, are they serving the family well? Are Susie's Olympic gymnastic goals going to bring enough glory to God to make it worth the sacrifice to the whole family, financially and otherwise? What is Susie really after? And the family?

Any glory in a family belongs to God alone. As soon as ego interferes, an imbalance permeates and threatens the health of the family unit.

A Bonus # 6
This goes without saying, but healthy families worship God together. He binds them together. He covers their iniquities and ensures that they succeed, for his glory. 

So gather round, open that Bible, hold hands, and pray together. You can't afford not to. Yes, it's messy with littles around, but do it anyway. Keep it short at first, and longer as they can handle it. Numbers 1 through 5 will fall into place if number 6 is strong.