Reflection Time: 364 Days

A new year is more than just another holiday--it's a new beginning too, a fresh start, even for those resistant to self-reflection. Can you really put 365 days behind you without some meditation on the trials and triumphs experienced?

What purpose did God have for them, we have to wonder? Did I drift farther away from Him, or grow closer?

Sometimes it's so messy, complicated, hard.

We put it off and convince ourselves it's just cliche anyway.

I don't want to, but I think the Holy Spirit is forcing me.

I lost my voice a year ago. Nothing seemed appropriate to say here; I knew what ailed me, but I was ashamed to admit it.

Discouragement had taken root and I couldn't put one foot in front of the other anymore to rid my heart of it. I still did devotions with my family, and still read my Bible, but I didn't work on my discouragement through writing, which is what always worked for me. Writing is a hard process whereby I would only start with an idea and the Holy Spirit would then take over, and by the end, I felt lighter, more at peace with the Lord and with my walk and with my circumstances.

Unsaved family can't be a support because they can't understand my choices or circumstances, and my husband already has enough on his plate with a 55-hour workweek and the mental disorders our kids face. Any personal discouragement was always something I had to deal with on my own with the Lord alone--and anonymously, I suppose, with anyone reading here (but really, the words were for the Lord).

Part of the reason, too, that I stopped writing was this: I felt like I'd written the same types of things over and over and how many times could I keep repeating them ad nauseum?

My answer today is: As many times as my heart needs them!

I commune with the Holy Spirit much more efficiently through writing than through prayer. This year confirmed that. Writing is my authentic personal prayer, I suppose, minus the supplications.

Remember that prayer is the Holy Spirit communing with our spirit? It's not just us telling God what we want. The Holy Spirit does much of the work involved--although we think all the work comes from us.

Have you ever noticed that the hardest part of prayer is starting the first word?

After that He is sitting right there with us, happy we chose to spend the time (or that is what I imagine). Each word after the first flows better and better.

The chromebook died in March and that made it more difficult to even think about writing. The PC is used for four children to complete math and spelling, and the two boys to complete Spanish and writing. Soon, though, we get another one and I can write at night again. For now, I can write on the weekends.

Isaiah 40:30
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Happy New Year! May you grow ever closer to Him, reflecting this weekend on what might be standing in your way in 2018.

I'm a Beggar

The longer I live, the more readily I say...life is hard.

But before you click out of this and say.."Forget it, I need something encouraging, not a downer"..let me also add that as bad as things get sometimes, I can always say and really mean..."God is good. He is always good."

We were already completely overwhelmed by Peter's moderate-to-severe OCD, and now my 9-year-old daughter, Mary, is getting worse. She imagines she smells gas daily and is worried about the house blowing up. Any smell, whether good or bad, increases her anxiety. She does rituals, like breathing into her pillow or her jacket sleeve, with the hope of staying alive through the "gas" leak. These rituals point toward OCD, not just your garden-variety anxiety. She also worries about the dates on foods and doesn't eat with the same freedom as before. Both of these issues--chemical contaminants and food spoilage or food contaminants--are common OCD themes.

Just when I thought the stress couldn't get any worse, it did. And just when I thought I couldn't take another day of this life, God showed me how beautiful life is, once again.

In our humanity, we look for bright outcomes. We covet the story about the boy with severe OCD who was chained to his house by his fears, who then went on to lead a completely normal, spiritually productive life, managing the OCD like a champ.

Or we covet the story of a child with a serious physical handicap who healed in adolescence, and went on to adulthood to treat children with chronic medical conditions, with the same kindness she received as a child.

We want these bright and glorious outcomes, and we pray for them over and over. We should pray thus, and with faith. 

But there's also the submission factor involved in the Christian walk. We have to be okay with whatever outcomes God chooses. His vision is not our vision, though we become more Christ-like every time we choose to submit our lives to His will.

There are a lot of things that feel impossible about my life right now. I feel too weak and sinful for the tasks set before me. But my pride and my own agenda weaken more all the time. The impossibility of solving anything on my own necessarily makes me a beggar. A grateful beggar.

Lord, I put my children and my marriage into your hands. I let go of my own agenda. I submit my will to yours and ask that you make us not more successful, but more godly.

In your precious name I pray, Amen.

Verses for Strength:

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

1 Samuel 30:6 And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.

1 Peter 4:11 whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Blogging as Therapy

There's never time enough, it seems, for a mother to take care of her own needs. Blogging (journaling) is a form of therapy for me, but it crossed my mind over the years that maybe if I blogged less, the house would be cleaner and I would be more organized and stay organized. Not to mention, get more sleep, since most of my blogging is a late-night event. I wondered...if the house was cleaner and I was more organized, and well-rested, would there be less stress around here?

Well, no.

The last ten days--ten days of no blogging--have been extremely stressful, though not without blessings. My son Peter's moderate-to-severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has us in survival mode. A cluttered house is so. not. the. problem.

Ten days is the longest I've gone without blogging since my first blog post on December 16, 2007. I started on another blog with our real names, and switched to this anonymous blog after two years.

Why is blogging so therapeutic?

The answer for me is that as I write, my jumbled thoughts line up in a neat row and clarity comes to me. The Holy Spirit's teachings then penetrate my heart better.

Some of you know that I cut off contact with my functioning alcoholic mother nearly two years ago, and after that I learned about the set of characteristics common to ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). Any adult who grew up with a toxic parent would share at least some of these characteristics (listed below), whether alcohol or drugs were involved or not.

Adult Children:

...guess at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (I think this particular characteristic is more seen in severe alcoholism with abuse present as well. A couple neighbor children here display this compulsive lying. It's surmised that these children can't handle the truth of their situations, so they make things up to create a better story. If this persists over time, they lose the ability to easily discern what is lie and what is reality, and they have a harder time managing lies because they've told so many.)

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

I regularly feel the pain of several or more of these characteristics. And unfortunately, the more I realize how crippled I am by these, the more I hate my mother's choices and how they affected me and my brother and sister. Forgiveness is so not a one-time event. The only way I can keep praying for and forgiving my mother and step-father is to imagine them as babies and toddlers, unaffected by dysfunction and unable to inflict pain. Their combined choices were very, very costly for me and my siblings.

While I didn't become or marry an addict, as some adult children do, I did marry someone who I felt needed rescuing (classic codependency). I do love my husband and am committed to a life-long marriage, but that doesn't mean I got into this for the right reasons. We are low-income because of my dysfunctional choice. My children suffer because of my dysfunctional choice. I suffer because of it. God in his graciousness, however, had me stay single until I both became, and met, a Christian. That my husband is a Christian is an act of incredible grace toward me and my children. 

An elderly, mostly house-bound neighbor came over to use the phone last week. He said he watches my children play in the front yard and he can't believe how happy they seem. It's true, not just a kind comment. They are happy. Not all the time, due in large part to inherited anxiety disorders, but they know how to have fun. They are not growing up in a dysfunctional home, which is tremendous progress for my family line.

Our friend Dean, over for dinner to do more drywall for us, stayed for family prayer and said in his prayers that our house is full of love. Having bipolar himself, he knows something of the angst inherent in mental disorders. He knows our struggles, but he still thinks this house is full of love.

That comment, too, reminded me of the enormity of God's grace in my life. A house full of love? What could be better?

What's missing is an acceptance of self. Call it self-love, if you will. I'm a grateful person, not inclined to focus on the negative, except when it comes to me, personally. I give myself so little grace.

As a Christian, it's necessary to realize that God doesn't erase consequences of sin. He showers us with grace, but the final fix comes in heaven. That doesn't mean that our dysfunctional starts have to define us, however. When it comes to healing our personal wounds, it doesn't matter so much why we're in pain, really. It usually isn't helpful to lie on some couch and talk about the past. Cognitive behavioral therapy is all about changing thinking and behavior. 

Therapy is helpful in identifying the cognitive distortions involved in personal pain. Going forward, when I feel pain and turmoil, I'll look at this list and try to identify what distortion matches my current thinking, and try to emerge from its oppression.

Here are the most common distortions therapists see in their practices, and if you've ever experienced anxiety or depression, you probably have some of these distortions going on, though depression can be strongly chemically based as well.

I hope something on this list helps you. My son Peter and I have both found them helpful. They aren't anything like the Holy Spirit's influence, but I think psychology can certainly complement Christian teaching. It just can't replace it or overshadow it.

The Lord saved me, and he introduced me to true love. I am rich with love. Now, if only I could show kindness to myself.

All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

Mother-Daughter Toxic Patterns

An OCD psychologist I like writes for Psychology Today, and recently I noticed a link on that site to an article about mothers and daughters, entitled 8 Types of Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships. The writer of the article is not a therapist and doesn't diagnose anything, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which would explain some of the behaviors she details. She also wrote a book entitled Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt, for which she interviewed many daughters with toxic mothers.

She chose not to interview daughters whose mothers had been diagnosed with any personality disorder, or whose mothers were addicts. These were seemingly normal families with mothers who for whatever reason, were unable or unwilling to love their daughters.

Ms. Streep highlights eight patterns indicative of toxic mothers (not mutually exclusive...toxic mothers exhibit more than one of them, typically):

- dismissive
- controlling
- unavailable
- enmeshed
- combative
- unreliable
- self-involved
- role-reversed

Keep in mind that she refers to ongoing patterns, not atypical instances of these behaviors. She finds that about 50% of us get lucky in terms of who our mothers are, and the other 50% are unlucky to some extent.

I found the comment's section particularly enlightening. What kept coming up was the phenomena of a mother playing favorites, and treating cruelly one of her daughters, while being a decent mother to her other children. Does this favoritism ring true for any of you?

I read such articles to gauge my own healing, and to keep mindful of my own mothering practices. When one grows up in a dysfunctional family, there is often a fear of repeating the sins of one's parents. But there's a crucial difference between a good-enough mother (which most of us are) and a toxic mother.

It's self-awareness.

~ Toxic mothers refuse to acknowledge their part in any dysfunction, and categorically blame others for any problems that arise.

~ They will systematically turn others against anyone who tries to confront them on unacceptable behavior, while being loving to those who play the denial game.

~ They care intensely about public image, and when they are loving, it's often to make themselves look good, rather than from genuine feeling. They have an idea in their head of what a mother should be and do, and they dupe themselves into believing they are that mother. Whoever disagrees verbally or otherwise, is considered ungrateful and troubled.

~ They may try to maintain a relationship with a child they despise, but only because to not do so would be considered unloving and unforgiving, and they don't want to portray that image. If a child walks away from them, they blame the child, and they make sure everyone knows how hurt and shocked they are.

~ Toxic mothers control children with guilt.

Many of the women in the comment's section indicated they have no contact, or limited contact, with their mothers. Most of the women were in their thirties or forties before realizing they had a toxic mother. Many of them indicated some of the dislike on the part of the mothers was because they (the daughter) "succeeded" in life while the mother did not, and there was jealously and hatred partially because of that.

It will be two years in February since I decided to break contact with my mother, and I continue to strongly believe it was the right decision for me and my immediate family. I continue to heal. However, breaking contact has not been without high cost. My mother is one of ten children, with seven siblings still living. All of my aunts and uncles stopped contacting me at Christmas and otherwise, and one of them lives within ten miles of me.

Some of them are aware of problems with my mother's behavior, including the local aunt (not my father's sister, who also lives nearby), but they would never try to cross her by contacting me.

My sister maintains contact with me via email, though we don't discuss our mother. My half-brother (different father) neither contacts me nor returns my emails. He blames me that our family is no longer "intact", and thinks that however my mother treats me, I should just accept it and realize that not everyone is perfect. He thinks I'm unforgiving, and doesn't understand the whole toxic parent thing because my mother treats he and my sister reasonably well, and always has. They play the alcoholic-parent denial game well, and they're rewarded for it.

I asked to live with my father when I was twelve, and my mother both didn't allow it, and didn't forgive me for asking. The fact that our home was an alcoholic one was not something she could bring herself to acknowledge, and she still can't. She wasn't a falling-down, or every-day drunk, and she didn't physically abuse us, so to her there was no problem.

We all did a pretty good job of denying the problem, because it didn't match the above criteria. According to recent statistics, a full 30% of Americans are problem drinkers. I'm willing to bet that because most cases aren't extreme, there's a lot of denial and damage in progress.

People have a hard time validating an unloved daughter's experiences when she is the only one of the children, seemingly, to have mother issues. A mother who plays favorites goes against our idea of what a mother should be, and we have a hard time believing it can be a common experience. But it is common, and truly damaging and tragic, and takes a long time to recover from, especially if you've been trained to blame yourself, through guilt-training, for the mother-daughter issues.

As Christians, it's hard for us to justify breaking contact with someone. It does seem unforgiving. It does seem to go against what scripture teaches. Indeed, it's a long road to healing for Christians who are caught in the trap of a toxic person, whether parent, friend, or sibling. If you find yourself there, look at it not so much in light of a particular scripture, but from the Bible as a whole.

Does allowing someone to sin against you over and over without remorse further your Christian walk, or allow you to freely and heartily work for, and live for, Christ? Does it allow you the energy and desire to extend common grace and kindnesses to others? Does it allow you to keep up with your devotional life?

Or does it sap all your energy and make you feel depressed, sad, anxious, and guilty? Does it make it difficult to concentrate on anything but the hurt and disappointment?

Only you know the answers to these questions, but what has helped me is to finally come to terms with this: My mother doesn't love me and it's not my fault. And, I don't have to justify how I've handled this to anyone but God. Not everyone will understand and that's okay with me.

Another revelation that led to significant healing is this: It isn't fruitful for me to worry about who loves me or likes me, and I certainly can't try to change their minds either way. God loves me and that is enough. He loves me fully, perfectly. His love is what heals, uplifts, and strengthens.

Love is necessary for every human, but seeking it is not fruitful. Giving it is. We give it because He first loved us.

What do I owe my mother? I have answered that question this way: I owe her my prayers, my forgiveness, my well wishes, my love. I don't owe her my presence or my correspondence, because in doing that I remain inside her toxic web.

I wish you all the best as you try to answers these tough questions in your own life. If you would like prayers, I would love to pray for you.

Be a 24-Hour Christian

James 4:13-16 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.

So many times when things have been tough in my life, I've wondered deep inside: "How will I get through this?"

I'm stronger now in middle age than ever before, but I'm still often drained by the effects of the sin curse and everyday problems.

"How will I get through another school year with Peter's OCD? How will he?

"How will I get through another year of perimenopause, with the hot flushes in earnest now and the headaches worse than ever?"

"How will I make the tithe next week?

How will we afford private colleges costing $45,000 a year?

What if the major drugs Beth is taking for her arthritis lead to cancer or infertility?

How will I get through that speech, that test, that appointment?

How will I keep up with the homeschooling and the house? 

You often hear people say that God spoke to them. God told me to do this or that. It's hard not to feel skeptical about such statements, but once in a while, I really do feel God speak to me directly.

Today was one of those times, during church in fact.

Peter often cries quietly in church (and during devotions) because anything spiritual triggers his OCD. I can't tell you how hard and hurtful it is to see these tears, knowing how much my son loves the Lord. His type of OCD is called scrupulosity and it's centered around thoughts of sin and Satan--fears and thoughts that he loves Satan rather than God, or that he is going to turn to a life of sin. The thoughts and fears are so powerful that even though they don't make sense and aren't consistent with who he is, he has a hard time dismissing them.

Mind you, these are all very typical OCD thoughts. For hundreds of years other OCD sufferers have had the exact same thoughts and for a time, before OCD was better understood, this particular manifestation of it was termed religious melancholy.

I've counseled Peter many times that it isn't the thoughts that make him ill. It's his reaction to them.

The same can be said of all of us. It isn't our hardships that make life so challenging. It's our reaction to them.

Peter and I tiptoed out of service, so I could calm him down before his youth class started, scheduled right after service. When I counsel him, I don't reassure him about the specific thoughts, because that makes the condition worse. Families, unknowingly, make OCD worse by participating in their children's rituals, which only perpetuates the harmful cycle.

Instead, I reminded him that: Yes, this disorder is cruel and excruciatingly hard, but he needed to remember that we are on this earth just a nano second, and then Paradise begins and never ends. We don't know why God allows babies to be born who can't speak, hear, walk, roll over, or eat. We don't know why he allows children to be in drug-addicted homes, or children the world over to be abused and left for dead.

It is endless, the appalling things God doesn't stop on this earth. We can't comprehend how God can be loving, and yet so willing to allow excruciating pain. We blame him for not making the world a kinder, gentler place.

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, blamed God, essentially, for creating the serpent who deceived her. And Adam? Didn't he blame the woman God gave to him--so in essence he blamed God, too?

But God is not responsible for the sin curse. Our free will is. He decided to punish us, but we decided to sin. Indeed, we wouldn't have done any better in the Garden of Eden than Eve or Adam did. They truly represent us, in all our childish, sinful ways.

God is only asking you, Peter, to endure this OCD for a nano second, compared to the plans he has for you in Paradise. That's how he can allow such pain in your life, or in anyone's life. He knows the magnitude of your joy in Heaven, compared to your trials here on earth.

Your OCD, I told him, will not always be this bad. Through God's grace, you will learn to accept the thoughts and not fight them or panic over them. Your nervous system will cease it's fight or flight reaction every time an awful but senseless thought occurs in your brain, and the cycle will be broken. You will feel free again, though there's no cure on earth. Eventually, the thoughts, in times of stress, may still appear, but will become faint background noise you can ignore.

The same is true for us. The longer we live, the less we will despair over our trials. The longer we live, the greater the grace we'll be willing to extend to others. The longer we live, the more we'll be willing to say: To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Peter, listening to me intently, told me he realizes more every day that he was created to do mission work. His heart leaps for joy over the prospect of mission work, and he fears his OCD will mess that up.

24 hours, I told him. Just live the next 24 hours, and let God handle tomorrow.

God clearly told me today: Life is a 24-hour endeavor. He also said his manna is given on a daily basis for a reason. The future doesn't belong to us, but to Him. It is His. We are His. Tomorrow is not ours to plan or worry about.

For the next 24 hours, just love me, He asks. That's all you have to do. Surrender unto me your agenda, your hopes and dreams, your troubles and worries, and even your pain. I will give you everything you need to live the next 24 hours, freeing you up to just love me and delight in me, as I delight in you.

Every 24 hours is an opportunity for another heart to say yes to the Cross. That's the Lord's agenda every day, every hour. That's why he tarries. That's why the sin curse and suffering haven't ended yet, and Paradise hasn't begun yet for the Christian.

God assures us we have food for today, strength for today, joy for today, grace for today.

And about the future? What does God tell us about the future, specifically? Reading all these verses below, we can begin to comprehend the heart of God regarding the future.

When tomorrow is no longer thought of as yours, but His, today becomes all the sweeter for it.

Psalm 40:5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Luke 12:32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

John 15:1-5 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ...

Suffering and Surrender

My special-needs son put a huge hole in his wall today because OCD made him frustrated and angry and he just didn't know what to do with his angst.

Though he possesses expert knowledge about how to handle OCD thoughts--he could teach a class on it, in fact--he isn't ready to heed his own advice. The thoughts are too strong and controlling and scary and it just seem easier to do the rituals (not that holes in the wall are a ritual--that was anger at his plight in life).

The rituals, if continued, get worse and they steal away every moment, until there's no life left. Just pain.

It's like the self-aware drug addicts who know quitting will involve a long, painful withdrawal process, so they put it off. It just seems impossible to muster up the courage.

Only those with OCD can understand, and the rest of us just scratch our heads.

You mean you drove around the block ten times, looking for someone you ran over, even though you know you really didn't run anyone over? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you were an hour late to your next class because you washed your hands over and over in the student bathroom, in tears the whole time, knowing they weren't really dirty? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you can't go near children because you are afraid you are a pedophile, even though the whole idea is repulsive and evil to you, and you know you would never act in such a way? Or you won't go near the same sex because you are afraid you are gay, even though you are not attracted to the same sex, and you know deep down you are not gay? Yes...but I don't feel sure.

Yes, OCD sufferers do all these things and more (though my son doesn't have any of these obsessions, yet, and perhaps won't ever. But they are among the most common). OCD people are of average or above-average intelligence, and very sensitive, kind, gentle people. The things they find most repulsive or disturbing become their obsessions. It's a horrid, cruel brain disorder.

None of it makes one iota of sense and they know it, but they can't stop avoiding, or ritualizing, or going over and over things in their heads (ruminating is done instead of rituals, for some sufferers--called Pure-O OCD, meaning pure obsession, but no compulsions).

OCD is a disease of uncertainty. They can't handle any uncertainty and the battle to be sure of something becomes their downfall.

They have to learn to say..."Well, maybe I did run someone over. So what?"

"Maybe I really do love Satan..so what?"

"Maybe one of Satan's angels really is coming at me...so what?"

"Maybe I really will stab my husband with a knife...so what?"

"Maybe I really am gay,..so what?"

"Maybe I really am going to die (or throw up) (or a family member is going to die) from germs on my hands...so what?"

"Maybe I really did leave the burner on and the house is going to blow up...so what?"

They have to neutralize the thoughts so they can stop reacting to them, but even thinking of these neutralizing sentences fills them with horror and shame. They can't bring themselves to do it, so they get worse and keep reacting with flight or fight mode. Medication sometimes, for some of them, makes the thoughts less powerful, so they can begin to think about their therapy techniques.

In adolescence, when fear is very hard to fight for hormonal reasons, therapy is difficult at best.

Sufferers have to accept that there is a buzzing bee (bad thoughts) in the room with them. Accept is good, to fight or run or panic is bad. 

"The bad thought doesn't have anything to do with who I am. It's just a brain glitch."

While this statement sounds easy to us, it's terribly difficult for them to believe...even though they know it's true.

There is no cure for OCD and even when the vicious cycle gets broken, and they are leading normal lives again, there will always be, in times of stress, buzzing bees in the room that they have to continue to ignore to stay well. The minute they give in and do a ritual, they're possibly in trouble again.

Experts did a study and found that all people have similar thoughts occasionally, but our normal brains know right away to file the thoughts away as nonsense. We don't react to nonsense thoughts.

But the OCD sufferers? The thought-filter in their brain doesn't work. The thoughts come in with a DANGER sign..an ALERT sign. Their body reacts in flight or fight mode, with high adrenaline and fear, which are so powerful their brain compels them to do a crazy ritual, that for some reason temporarily decreases the anxiety. But the more rituals they do, the less the rituals work to decrease anxiety, and then a full-blown life-crisis exists. They can't fulfill their responsibilities on time or with ease because their rituals eat up the day and drive them insane.

Right now there is nothing I can do except pray and continue to counsel, until God see fit to heal my son or give him the courage he needs to absorb the discomfort of not doing a ritual, long enough to stop the chain reaction--obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief. Obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief.

Absorbing discomfort and pain is hard.

When I get a migraine, I take something for it because if I don't, I eventually have to lie very still in a dark room with no noise or interaction, and at some point I usually vomit, too.

What the OCD sufferer has to do to get better is stop taking the "medicine", so to speak (stop doing the ritual that temporarily relieves the anxiety). They have to, in essence, allow the throbbing headache and nausea to come, unhindered. They have to suffer to get better...and who wants to suffer? It's human nature to run kicking and screaming away from suffering.

God allows life to break us and that is so hard to fathom, isn't it? If you're broken, you know you're ready for heaven. Your mindset has ceased to be on earthly things and you just want to go Home.

Peter, husband, and I? We just want to see Jesus. The rest of the family isn't broken...yet. They have big plans.

And plans are good, but we can't ever assume we accomplish anything through our own intelligence or our own strength. The minute we gloat, God takes us down a peg or two. He allows suffering to refine us. To humble us. He works for our good, even when life seems like a big disaster.

I have to go to an AWANA meeting this Wednesday to become a Cubbies (preschool) leader. Oh, I tried to get out of it at first, but I prayed about it and then told the director that if she didn't get another Cubbies leader during the summer, than I would do it. I will be among three Cubbies leaders in a large class, taking turns with the various duties.

Do you know what I hoped? That God would realize my son's disorders are too taxing on me and my family, and that someone else could surely do it instead.

But God didn't agree. It's me who loves preschoolers, and me who loves teaching God's word.

If God wants me to work for Him with vigor and cheerfulness, why does he allow such sorrow in my life? I feel too weak and sorrowful today to even make that meeting, much less show up and do a good job at Cubbies on September 2nd.

Do you wonder these things, too? Do you want to crawl under a barrel and let everyone else--the ones with normal lives--do all the work for God?

Let me tell you a secret.

Surrender it all to God. Hopes, dreams, plans, ego, pride...the right to stay home and wallow.

And just show up.

Every single day, no matter how hard your trials are, just show up.

Show up to hug your boy--even though he's made you a wreck--to say you're so terribly sorry he's suffering, and that you'll be praying for him all day, and that Jesus loves him, and that he is fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who knows every hair on his head.

Realize that it's the sin curse you're battling, not your son or daughter. 

If the problem is with your marriage, realize it's the sin curse you're battling, not your spouse.

God doesn't ask us to carry our own burdens. We attempt to carry them all the time, but it's sin--it's not obedience to his will.

If we show up, he is faithful to teach the Cubbies through us.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us the gentleness and patience we need to work with a sick or troubled child.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us a listening, quiet spirit to win our husband's love.

He will walk us through our hardest parenting days...our hardest marriage days...our hardest personal suffering days.

We don't have any answers--but he has them all. We don't have any insight--but he has it all planned out. We don't have any stamina or strength--but he's omnipotent and omniscient. 

Omnipotence means God is all-powerful. He has supreme power and no limitations. Omniscience means God is all-knowing. He knows everything--past, present, and future. There is nothing about which he's unaware.

So take that huge load off your back...whatever it is. Let your Heavenly Father soothe you and quiet you by his love. You don't have to understand. You just have to get filled up (prayer, Bible, worship), and show up, ready to be used for his glory. 

The more broken we are, the more desperately and humbly we go for our filling. The more filled we are, the more eagerly we show up to let him shine...knowing full well that on our own, we are nothing.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

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Fear Not

It's time for a Christian lesson on fear and anxiety, for my son Peter's OCD is so severe he can't get through his daily responsibilities, though as a testament to God's power, Peter still manages to be concerned with the neighbor children's salvation. God can work through any circumstances. Whatever infirmities and disorders we have, he can still use us. Hallelujah!

I urge you, if you are paralyzed by fear of any type, to list all your cares and them meditate on the verses below. When you are done with these verses, click here to see more.

My fears are:

~ that Peter has a treatment-resistant type of OCD;

~ that he won't be able to work;

~ that he won't be able to marry and have children, which is something he dearly hopes for;

~that he won't be able to finish high school on time, since it takes him 3 hours to do a whole math lesson due to the concentration involved, complicated by nearly non-stop rituals. I break up the lessons as much as I can;

~ that even if I could get him into a residential treatment program, he isn't ready to give it his all. Adolescence is a difficult time for battling fear and some patients are better able to tackle OCD in their twenties.

~that he won't be able to finish any exams and will flunk, even if he does get to college or vocational school;

~ that he will get so exasperated with the religious rituals, it will cause him to turn from the Lord's fellowship--for it already makes it difficult for him to pray and read the Bible. His grandfather, age 92 and similarly affected, does not pray or read his Bible anymore due to the stress of the rituals, and he isn't even aware of his disordered condition.

It's very difficult to homeschool students with disabilities, but I know the right direction and focus for me, as mom and teacher. It's a hard road requiring an unwavering faith, which requires an unwavering commitment to the Scriptures and to personal and corporate prayer.

When spirits need reviving, it's time to bathe in every Scripture we can find on fear and anxiety. I pray these will help you with whatever affliction you may suffer, for one thing is sure--we are all suffering in some respect:

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-10 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Isaiah 35:4 Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Psalm 27:1 Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Romans 8:31-39 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Psalm 55:22-23 Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

Joy in the Morning

We have various neighbors in love with fireworks and so last night they started with the booms, keeping them going until past 11:00 PM. This happens every year, for a couple days before the 4th and a couple days after, with last night being the most prolific night on record.

At least one of my four children has been afraid of firework booms in the ten years we've lived here, so we rarely sleep much around the Fourth. Of course, as soon as a child gets sleep deprived, hyper alertness kicks in and it's boot camp for Mom.

Our anniversary is July 3rd and we always forget it. Both of us, because the household is crazy on July 3rd, and besides, there's no going on dates anyway.

My boys, now 11 and 13, sleep in as teens are apt to do, which has been a huge relief as far as the occasional late nights go.

But my girls, particularly Mary, do poorly on little sleep and will typically get up earlier the next morning, not later. Unless I can figure out how to break the cycle, these become grueling weeks.

Mary's panicked over fireworks for three years running now, because just like with thunder and lightning, she thinks one of them will hit our roof and our house will burn down. No amount of counseling helps her through this. Once the wave of anxiety hits, it lasts until morning.

Additionally last night, Peter threw up after initially going to sleep fine. So around midnight, with Mary still awake, we're trying to figure out how to deal with his bedding and the floor, while also wondering if he caught a virus and would throw up again within the hour, or if he ate too much (was it the 2 smores on top of eating his own homemade oatmeal cookies?).

Then there's Paul, whose OCD is mild, until someone throws up. He has the lucky-number, bad-luck number OCD (yes, it does exist), as well as contamination OCD (doesn't touch doorknobs or the toilet knob if he can help it, or his own pants zipper, among other weirdness).

Incidentally, OCD people do incredibly weird things and even when they get together for group support, they're still incredulous at some of the weird things other patients do. "You do that...really?"

It so happens that last July 4th, Paul threw up, which of course means July 4th is bad luck. Once last year Peter threw up after a park visit and Paul refused to go to any park for about 6 weeks after that. Because of course, going to the park is bad luck.

Welcome to my insanity.

The fact that Peter threw up last night confirmed the doom.  Paul laid awake for hours, worrying it was coming any second.

Um, misery doesn't cover it.

We were all wondering (except Beth) in the late night why it's one crisis after another in our lives. The entire month of June was rain and clouds, being the 3rd rainiest June on record. Mary was miserable, even though most of the downpours didn't involve thunder and lightning. Still, the weather service always warns that there could be lightning and that's all it takes to start her anxiety.

Peter didn't have a virus, it turns out. We remembered a problem he had last summer, which resurfaced this week, after the sun finally decided to come out. People on SSRI drugs for OCD or depression have reduced sweating and their bodies get too hot easily, even without excessive exertion. It only takes the sun or a too-warm room. It starts with a mild headache and can build over a few days if caution isn't exercised.

Even though his body temperature wasn't necessarily elevated last night, he was still overheated from three days outside doing minor gardening and looking for toads, frogs, cicadas, and trying his hand at an ant farm.

Water consumption helps once a headache hits, but it doesn't slow the process down enough. He has to go outside, we've discovered, with a wet hat on his head and a wet shirt, since he won't sweat enough to cool himself. He's always worn hats but they've been dark blue and not wet, so they heated him, rather than cooled him.

Anyway, we woke up this morning to a new day. A new hope. Peter is well and the children are all smiles and hugs and joy again.

The fatigue hasn't hit them yet.

Now, Beth, my post-surgery patient? (Thank you for your prayers!) She slept well. Her eyes look horrible (huge blood blisters all over the whites of the eyes) and at times she has double, confused vision as her eye muscles adjust (this could last six weeks). This child isn't fearful about anything unless blood is mentioned, so well it thunders away and fireworks boom and people throw up around her, no problem. She isn't fazed. She's my only child without anxiety, but of course arthritis is no picnic, nor surgeries either.

At one o'clock this afternoon, Paul, reflecting on the nice day he and the others were having, said, "Wow, Mommy! That Bible verse it true. Joy does come in the morning!"

Psalm 30:1-5
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It's so easy to get lost in the stress and turmoil, but God's got this. He uses it all for His glory. Children who suffer illness and disorder have a special purpose in God's Kingdom, although to the families involved it can feel so isolating. I see God's hand in it time and again and He is my strength. 

Happy Fourth of July! Bless you all and thank you for your friendship.

Weekly Summer School and Life Wrap-Up 6/12

This post is long because I'm behind on my updates, but I put bolded headings in so you can skip what doesn't appeal to you. There are character training books featured below, as well as newly published elementary non-fiction science books. Thank you for being here!

An Overview of Our Summer School 

two boys, ages 11 and 13, and two girls, ages 6 and 8

I hope you're all enjoying summer weather. We're still in school, though using a more relaxed approach. Paul, age 11, is reading selections from the library as part of the summer library reading program. He still loves American history, finishing a library book about the Louisiana Purchase, as well as The Adventures of Pinocchio. He's taking a break from Teaching Textbooks Math 7 to try pre-algebra on Khan Academy this summer. He continues with the Khan Academy computer programming courses as well. His aptitude for the detailed work amazes me.

Peter's (age 13) OCD is severe and he still struggles to get through novel reading, some math, some writing. I won't be giving him much else this summer. Whenever there's a crises or problem with a child or family, I believe in keeping it to the three R's. We supplement by checking out Discovery Kids, National Geographic, and Disney Kids Non-fiction Science DVD's, and Magic School Bus DVD's. Peter always checks out non-fiction animal and plant and garden books from the library, too.

The girls, ages 6 and 8, continue with math, reading, and writing in their journals. I read a lot of non-fiction to them from the library and find that along with the experimenting and discovery learning they do on their own, they're getting a well-rounded curriculum.

Update on the OCD situation

As much as I mourn his disorder, God showers us with grace, still. Peter is not ready for a residential treatment center yet, but when he has had enough and is ready to do Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, we will probably have to admit him to a center in Cleveland for a few weeks at least. The OCD is stealing his life away. I've researched and learned that it's a bad idea to put an OCD patient in intensive therapy before they're at the end of their rope. It's hard to get insurance to pay for it, and it doesn't accomplish much if a patient doesn't commit to it 100%.

The therapy is grueling, scary, very difficult, as it forces the patient to deal with the fears and thoughts rather than try to neutralize them with rituals as a knee-jerk response. The ritual response worsens the OCD. The more rituals they do, the more their brain bombards them with disturbing thoughts, and eventually the rituals no longer work to neutralize the thoughts, and they can no longer function in their daily life. Peter is getting to this desperate point, even as he understands much about his disorder and how it works within his brain. It's hard for any of us to understand, but the thoughts are so strong the patients can't help themselves, even though they know it's all ridiculous.

Peter's ADHD makes it hard for him to focus consistently on what he needs to do to filter the OCD thoughts. He knows the normal thought filter in his brain doesn't work, so he has to manually filter thoughts and throw them in the garbage can, otherwise his brain reacts to each thought with panic. The two disorders--OCD and ADHD--work against each other, which is a tragedy.

It is very hard, but I have to accept this situation and the effects it's having on our school year and household. I don't know that I can graduate Peter at 18 years old if something doesn't change with his condition, but I will keep Paul on track to graduate at 16. Paul has always been taught with his older brother, who is 22 months older. Research affirms that very bright students do far better when allowed to jump grades. Schools have shied away from allowing bright kids to skip grades, due to the social aspect, but current research doesn't back up that hesitation.

A Hard Lesson for Homeschool Moms (and moms in general)

As homeschool moms we have a lot of ideas and desires when it comes to our homeschool, but we have to commit to teaching the students we have, not the students we wish we had. God has given each of our children a unique path to walk, and pain is naturally part of it in some form, due to the sin curse. The big picture compels us not to spend time putting out fires constantly, but to teach children how to walk with God consistently. We should spend as much or more time on their spiritual growth, as on their intellectual growth. Academic success without spiritual success won't take children far, or anywhere we want them to go.

Our daily trials here lend themselves to much growth as we cling to God for our sanity. My children are gleaning much from these difficult years. I see it and feel it within my own heart, and I embrace it for his glory.

But sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like I'll break down. I worked diligently to get the kids out to the van by 10:30 AM, to make a pre-op appointment at Children's Hospital, ahead of Beth's early July eye muscle surgery. Paul closed Beth's thumb in the van door and it swelled up immediately, so we headed to the ER at the same hospital, instead of to her eye doctor's wing. The x-ray came back normal, and then we got lost as we headed out of the ER parking lot, trying to get to the downtown parking garage we needed for the other part of the hospital.

Then, when we got to the ophthalmology wing, they were out for lunch but the waiting room was open. We waited 30 minutes, then found out we needed to go to pre-surgery floor of the main hospital. I thought the ophthalmology nurses were to do the pre-op appointment. The whole ordeal took six hours, and then Paul had a piano lesson at 5PM.

Long day! We all agree we hate running around. We're homebodies here.

Learning to Hold My Thoughts Captive

As we started out that day, during the whole 20-minute drive to the hospital I fought tears--a culmination of severe stress accumulated over several days, due to the OCD and my daughter's storm phobia and other issues. The swelling thumb and Beth's tears seemed like the last straw for my nerves. I wondered if Beth would have nerve damage in her thumb, and how would it affect her love for the arts? An artist needs her hands and her eyes, and God was messing with both lately in my little girl.

As much as I didn't feel in control inside, I kept control outside, due to being able now, in my late forties, to hold my thoughts captive far quicker than I could do in my thirties or early forties. Our thoughts can lead to joy, or despair (more so than our circumstances), so learning to hold them captive and direct them heavenward is an essential life skill for every Christian.

It's not that we ever entirely stop worrying or stressing or wondering "why me". It's that with personal trials and growth therein, the Holy Spirit teaches us to hold all these normal-but-damaging thoughts captive within minutes, rather the hours or days it used to take us.

Some pictures from the past two weeks

 basil

 Cosmos flower, which has since been eaten by bunnies down to ground level

 yellow squash

 Strawberry patch is producing beautifully this year. I haven't needed to buy strawberries in the last week.

 tiny maple tree saplings from the seedlings cleared from our rain gutters

 zinnia

When given adequate free time, kids always find ways to amuse themselves (and learn). Here they're floating balloons over the air filter in the boys' room. They were thrilled and experimented with how to get them to float lower or higher, and how size of balloon affected float level. 

A cardboard animal family

Miss Beth continues to use all her free time making things from cardboard, leaves, flower petals, etc. She is conscious of the amount of tape she uses now, and one day took me by the hand and showed me the duct tape she had used up and hidden under a bed, so as not to stress or anger us, I suppose. We had given her a talk about the cost of tape the prior week. I had to inwardly laugh, folks, and wonder how long she was stressing about having used a ton of tape in three days. While I'm not thrilled with the cost, I see genius in her creative mind (don't all parents think that...lol) and I can't hinder her.

She even asked me this week for three free duct tape rolls for her Christmas present.

The first place she heads upon arriving at the library is the craft book section, although she doesn't seem to make things from these books. She tells me they just give her ideas, which I think is more like saying, they open her eyes to the possibilities. Being dyslexic helps too; she fits the profile in so many ways. She truly sees possibilities we don't see, and keeps the big picture in mind.

Her fine motor skills are getting a rigorous work-out with all the cardboard she cuts out. Forming lower-case letters is still a challenge for her, as they were for all my kids at this same age (six).

 A cheetah

 An octopus that Paul made.

 A squid made by Beth.

 A flying creation of the Beth kind. She has a stick, two yellow leaves (waning milkweed leaves), a rock up front, a green leaf, and enough duct tape to hold it together. 

She's made more in the last two weeks, but I didn't get it all photographed.

I couldn't stand the disheveled pantries and the filthy fridge another day. Half a Saturday went by as I cleaned and rearranged.

Living payday to payday means I can't stock up on groceries, which isn't that big of a deal, considering our 1960's cupboards (i.e. no space!). The only cereals I buy are Cheerios and oatmeal, both of which have to be stored on top of the fridge for lack of other options. I basically keep to the same pantry staples, like dry and canned beans, tomato sauce, nuts and seeds, rice, pasta, taco shells, tortilla chips, popcorn, baking supplies, and applesauce. All the spices are in another tiny cupboard, which I also cleaned.

The annual fishing derby at a local state park. The child on the left is mine. 

Of course a toad must be loved on before we can leave any park. They're a must find or Mary doesn't deem the outing successful. She's still reluctant to leave nature at the park, but we're working on her selfishness in this regard. Here, Peter holds the toad.

This park has the perfect, low-level climbing tree. After last summer's concussion due to falling out of a tree (Peter), my children now climb only this particular tree, with a parent spotting. 

The Balancing Act that is Parenting

My female doctor is married to another doctor and they share one work contract. She works Tues & Thurs, and he works M-W-F. They share the homeschooling of their three children. Anyway, I spoke with her last fall about my son's tree accident, explaining that my husband had taken the kids to the park for a church picnic and left the tree area to watch my young daughter at the playground. Peter then climbed the tree unsupervised, with another middle school boy from church. He stepped on a weak branch that broke under his weight, causing a fall that exceeded 10 feet and led to a short black-out and concussion. 

I haven't said so here, I don't think, but I was pretty angry (non-verbally angry) with my husband about the unsupervised tree climbing. Peter has had so many problems from that concussion. He still can't read with pleasure (or for school) as he once did so prolifically, partly because of the fatigue it causes and because his OCD rituals cause him to reread sections he's already read, increasing his fatigue. It's still debatable whether his OCD went from mild/moderate to severe because of his concussion or his puberty years or both. Concussion can cause OCD in patients who previously never experienced it, depending on the area of the brain affected.  

I still have to squash my resentment at times, holding it captive for the sake of the gospel and my own peace. No resentment in marriage is acceptable and all of it needs to be held captive within minutes. 

I never would have allowed a child so high up in a tree. My doctor sympathized with me, saying she and her husband have the same go-arounds concerning what is safe. Neither of us were belittling our husbands so much as validating our feelings and confirming that children need two parents, a mom and a dad balancing each other, so children are neither too careful nor dangerously adventurous. The Lord has balanced our families by balancing female and male characteristics, though there are certainly some more careful men and wildly adventurous mothers in the mix as well. 

I now go to the park with the family as often as I can for this very reason, leaving chores undone and causing myself more stress sometimes. As mothers we have to accept the stressors inherent in mothering and caring for a family and balance them as much as possible. I try to have the children tidy up all the living areas now, before we enjoy any parks, so we don't come home to a bunch of stressful clutter.

Some park photos

The tree frogs on our own property are found out quickly, even on the roofs! There's no hiding here.

And of course, we have enough frogs on this property to please even Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. They're ever fascinating to my children, especially to Mary and Peter, though Peter less so this year, at thirteen years old. He still loves the toads.

New Character Training Books
This school year we've been all through the Miller Family Series, and A Busy Hive of Bees, and Another Hive of Bees, and I needed something else for our morning character training and prayer devotional time. I found these suggestions, and used this website to buy four books @ $6.95 each, containing 8 character stories each, by Vivian D. Gunderson. We've been through three stories and I love them so far.

Some newly published non-fiction science picks we've enjoyed (elementary picture books)

From Bulb to Tulip 

by Lisa Ownings

published Feb, 2015

School library journal synopsis: K-Gr 2—Lerner adds to this long-running, well-received series about transformation (previous titles have tackled animal and plant life cycles, food, and science). Though concise and comprehensible, the books still convey the essence of how these things come to be. Each spread features only a few sentences and serviceable photos. The small trim size, vocabulary words in bold, colorful and clean design, and spare but well-presented index and table of contents make this an ideal first step for nonfiction newbies. In choice of subject matter, too, this one sets itself apart from the usual fare for this audience. Strong offerings.

Wild Ideas: Let Nature Inspire Your Thinking 

by Elin Kelsey

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis: PreS-Gr 2—From the creative team behind You Are Stardust (Owlkids, 2012) comes a new picture book encouraging readers to ask questions and observe the answers found in nature. Every creature has problems and ways of discovering solutions to fit a specific need. Using examples from wildlife, the author asks children to learn from the ingenuity of animals and apply their creativity to human problem solving. "Pigeons procrastinate. Bees calculate. Elephants innovate." Much can be learned from careful observation of the world around us—just as some squirrels learn to cross a busy street by watching humans, we can learn from watching other species. Some may be "wild ideas," like the way chimpanzees invent drinking spoons from folded leaves, while others reinforce ideas we might already employ. "Killer whales rely on their mothers' wisdom. Baboons get guidance from their dads." The full-color, full-page illustrations are all dioramas that depict the animals and children interacting. Although many scenes are quite busy and full of detail, the text, sometimes in varying sizes, is clear and easy to read. An author's endnote explains the research involved. VERDICT Although most readers will be drawn to this book because of the animal content, they might pick up some problem-solving skills in the process

Animal Eyes 

by Mary Holland

published February, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: The sense of sight helps an animal stay safe from predators, find food and shelter, defend its territory and care for its young. We can tell a lot about an animal from its eyes: whether it is predator or prey, whether it is more active during the day or night, and sometimes even its gender or age. Award-winning nature photographer and environmental educator Mary Holland shares fascinating animal eyes with readers of all ages.

The Nitty-Gritty Gardening Book: Fun Projects for ALL SEASONS

by Kari Cornell

Published March, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: Grow your own fruits, vegetables, and flowers! Become a gardener in any season with these fun and easy projects. You don't even need a garden space--many of these activities can be done by planting in containers to set on a porch or a patio or even in a window. Try your hand at growing potatoes and strawberries. Plant bright flowers that attract butterflies, birds, and bees. Learn how to get daffodils to bloom in the winter! You can even make your own compost. Colorful photographs and simple step-by-step drawings make each project easy to follow for gardening success. Ready to get your hands dirty and your garden growing?

Frogs: All About their life cycle, five senses, habitat, and more!

by Seymour Simon

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis:  Gr 3–5—Among the plethora of books about frogs currently in print, Simon's stands out as one of the best. Covering the life cycle, five senses, and unique adaptations (who knew that frogs use their large eyes to help them swallow food?), readers are offered detailed information and just enough text for a young frog enthusiast or report writer. Unfamiliar words are in bold, and definitions worked seamlessly into the text are further defined in the glossary. Large, attractive, uncaptioned photos are well placed, effectively conveying the material (the frog demonstrating periscope eyes is particularly well placed). Simon devotes a paragraph to five types of unusual frogs and toads from around the globe, and there's also information about the current state of frog habitats and scientific research. VERDICT A smart choice for reports and recreational reading for all libraries.—Jennifer Wolf, Beaverton City Library, OR

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