Teaching Prudence to Girls

I'm catching up on news today and read three letters written in regard to the Stanford rape case--the victim's, the defendant's mother's, and the defendant's. In some ways, each letter appalled me. The victim's letter was outstanding. She knows how to show and not tell--something even successful authors sometimes fail to master--so that we the readers could feel as though we were right there with her, experiencing it as well. It was very powerful and I hope it's widely read, especially by men. Her suffering can't be fully comprehended by most of us, but we can come as close as possible through reading her words. She worked unselfishly in this case, enduring more pain through the trial to pursue justice, partially to give other women a voice and some validation. I salute her courage.

However, in trying to empower women and tell them they have worth, she failed in a most obvious way. What about..."You have worth. Take care of yourself in every way, including not consuming alcohol at coed parties. You are too valuable to feel you are entitled to drinking, just because it's a party and everyone is doing it, and you want to have fun."

The man who violated this woman is a criminal with no excuse. He should spend the six years in prison the prosecution tried to get. Not everyone is capable of such evil just because they are drunk. His actions were beyond horrible; he's morally bankrupt.

But in regard to all the women involved in these rapes I ask this: When are we as a society going to start advising women to avoid drinking at coed college or high school parties? Or with a man you can't absolutely trust? Isn't it obvious that this puts you at risk? Isn't it obvious that we live in a society where athletes are put on a pedestal, which appears to morally bankrupt them as they develop a sense of entitlement? Acknowledging this and warning girls is just smart, not sexist or victim-blaming. I don't blame the victim for the evil criminal mind of the predator. But how many girls' lives are going to be destroyed before we say publicly to girls--stay away from coed drinking parties? Why is this not okay to say, publicly? It's not politically correct and that is just tragic.

This, the victim's words: ...Again, you were not wrong for drinking. Sipping fireball is not your crime....Alcohol is not an excuse. Is it a factor? Yes. But alcohol was not the one who stripped me, fingered me, had my head dragging against the ground, with me almost fully naked. Having too much to drink was an amateur mistake that I admit to, but it is not criminal. Everyone in this room has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much, or knows someone close to them who has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much. Regretting drinking is not the same as regretting sexual assault. We were both drunk, the difference is I did not take off your pants and underwear, touch you inappropriately, and run away. That’s the difference.

She is right that there was a difference, but she doesn't go far enough to empower other girls to avoid her fate. "Having too much to drink was an amateur mistake that I admit to, but it is not criminal." Does this fully communicate to college girls and women about how dangerous alcohol use is in coed environments? Sadly, it doesn't, as inspiring as it may read.

If we want to empower girls, why not tell them they are worth too much to take such risks? For example, I don't put my girls in short shorts or short skirts because pedophiles exist and they are turned on by skin, and as an adult, I am supposed to accept that reality and protect my girls accordingly, at church, at the store and in my own yard and home. I am their protector and I take it very seriously, as I do the importance of teaching them to protect themselves. I know the world and I have to make decisions on their behalf, so they can remain children.

We shouldn't live in fear of criminals, but we should teach our children that they exist in all parts of society. Love yourself enough to exercise great care. Learn to survive in the society you do live in, not the one you wish you lived in. Evil boys and men exist and you'll find them in every college and at every party, and beyond.

Do my girls have a right to wear whatever they want? Yes. Should they assert that right? No. Wisdom says no. Do girls have a right to go to coed parties and drink? Yes. Should they assert that right? No. Wisdom says no. Whatever happened to raising girls with wisdom?

Don't misunderstand me. However much a girl drinks, or however much skin or curve she shows, she is still not responsible for someone else's criminal actions. And even a conservatively-dressed girl or women can be victimized, surely. Dressing appropriately is like sunscreen. It's a precaution not a guarantee. Never going out alone at night is a precaution, not a guarantee. But I will still preach the wisdom of both, over and over again.

This young woman will undoubtedly be stronger for what she has had to endure, but this pain is not what God intended for her life. It was avoidable and could have been avoided if in our politically correct society, we were honest with girls. Some men are predators, period. Living wisely is a virtue. Can we call prudence a virtue? Can we go back to teaching prudence as a regular part of parenting both girls and boys?

A whole other post needs to be written about teaching boys to respect women, but many other writers have already written it, including the victim in this case, who described the respect we are after pretty well, though with a secular flare. Whether or not a woman respects herself as thoroughly as she should, a boy should always be taught to respect all women.  While it's true that not all women are worthy of becoming our son's wife, they are all worthy of respect, earned or unearned. Every human being is created in the image of God, worthy of respect as His child.

The victim's mother's letter was disturbing because she spent most of it bragging about her son's achievements, as though they excused his actions, or as though they in and of themselves deserved to be given a chance. She appears to be a mother after the things of this world, mostly. She mentioned toward the end that she was proud of how her son treated the disabled, but that was all negated by how he treated the woman in question, who was disabled by alcohol.

It was a hollow, shallow letter, and seemingly one on which the judge put too much emphasis in making his decision. It made me want to weep for this mother, reading about how hollow her life is. She said they would never be happy again, as though it's only through achievement that we can gain happiness. This is a family without hope because they were without depth to begin with, not to mention without the One who is Hope. I hope her son doesn't commit suicide, but it's a possibility if they brought him up to value achievement and nothing more. Suicide is sometimes the result of mental illness, but it can also result from an upbringing that emphasized the things of this world, as opposed to the things of the soul.

Pray for the country and its young people, for they've been sold a bag of soiled goods from a country seeped in sin. We're failing them.

Maundy Thursday and Easter Week With Kids

The bread is rising in the oven, the kids are breaking from school for a quick, invigorating basketball game out front. I'm staring down laundry baskets of clean clothes that need to be folded before our guest comes tomorrow to accompany us to a noon-time Good Friday service.

Such are the goings on here, about 2045 years after Christ celebrated a last supper with his disciples, at which he washed their feet. Maundy Thursday, it is called.

The word Maundy is derived from the Latin word for “command.” The “Maundy” in “Maundy Thursday” refers to the command Jesus gave to the disciples at the Last Supper, that they should love and serve one another. 

John 13:6-10, John 13:12-17

(Jesus) came to Simon Peter. “Lord,” Peter said to Him, “Are you going to wash my feet?”
Jesus replied, “You don’t realize now what I am doing. But later you will understand.”
“No,” said Peter. “You will never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you can’t share life with Me.”
“Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet! Wash my hands and my head too!”
Jesus answered, “A person who has had a bath needs to wash only his feet. The rest of his body is clean. And you are clean. But not all of you are.” - John 13:6-10

“Do you understand what I have done for you?” He asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord.’ You are right. That is what I am. I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet. So you also should wash one another’s feet. I have given you an example. You should do as I have done for you.

“What I’m about to tell you is true. A servant is not more important than his master. And a messenger is not more important than the one who sends him. Now you know these things. So you will be blessed if you do them. - John 13:12b-17

It's so easy for the tyranny of the present to thwart parents' desires to disciple their children. Our young people need fed, clothed, and directed to clean their messes. Tables need set, cleared, and dishes done, trash disposed of, showers and baths taken, pajamas gathered, hair combed...and the list goes on. 

Satan counts on us being too busy to do what's most important as parents. He'll throw us curve balls when we serve in the church, get ready for church, drive to church, endeavor to pray with our kids, pray as husband and wife, and conduct family devotions. He manages to make us too tired, irritated, stressed, mad, and overwhelmed. He causes our children to be uncooperative, nasty to one another, full of complaint. 

Don't let him win during these next four days, which are the most important historically speaking for our faith. Without Maundy Thursday we don't have the second most powerful example of humility ever known to man. Without Good Friday--the blood, the cross--the single most humbling event mankind has ever witnessed, we are nothing. We have nothing. And finally, without the resurrected Christ, the aforementioned blood and crucifixion death mean practically nothing--merely another event in history. 

The Resurrection is everything to us. Everything. And you can't teach the resurrection story well without starting with Maundy Thursday as an introduction. 

I urge all of us to make the most of the next four days, for the glory of God. Don't let the chocolate bunnies and treasured baskets be the only things that stay with them, creating anticipation year after year. 

Do it all in remembrance--out of gratitude and awe, not as ritual, however. We can't let them leave our homes in adulthood without intimate knowledge and awe of the Resurrected Christ. We only have so many years to shape their hearts and lives...and then they're gone.

Resources:

An explanation of Maundy Thursday (Got Questions.org--for parents)

The Creator on His Knees...Preparing for Maundy Thursday (Desiring God blog--for parents)

Maundy Thursday Lesson for Young Children (a Christian mother's blog)

Childrens Lessons for Maundy Thursday, upper and lower grades (Children's Church Bulletins.com)

Do Your Children Understand Easter? (Focus on the Family, five mini-lessons offered in pdf)

Holy Week and Easter Activities for the Whole Family (Focus on the Family)

Happy Easter to you and yours! I treasure your friendship and enjoy our communion in Him.

Parenting: A Dance of Self-Sacrifice

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Right now I'm full of joy, but earlier today misery visited. It's not Mother's Day or anything, but my gratitude spills over as I think about my four sleeping children.

The boys’ OCD continues to be a monumental challenge. A few times a week my hands go up to my hair in frustration; a good hair tug is just what I need. You know that expression “pulling out my hair”? I don’t exactly pull it out, but screaming in frustration would be too stressful to my housemates, and I can’t get in the car without my children and just drive off the stress, so hair pulling works. Tension is released and at the same time I remember that we are on this earth as pilgrims for a nano-second, passing through. OCD is a temporary problem.

It's a testimony to God's grace that I sit here and declare my gratitude...because this is a hard road we're on.

But back to parenting joy…I just love these precious ones so much. They are such good company, so warm and delightful and funny and sweet. The greatest privilege in life besides serving the Lord, is serving one’s children. Watching them spread their wings, guiding them with love and scripture, honoring them with my time and attention and devotion…it’s all so rich.

The longer I do this, the more I realize that a great parent is a selfless parent. We make little decisions all day long about the extent to which we’ll deny ourselves. Each little decision matters and together they influence the content of a child's memories. A self-denying parent sows fond memories, while a self-involved parent sows neglect and eventual disdain.

Will I forgo a few minutes of reading to peel apples for the kids? Will I set the 600-page classic novel aside to do a hands-on lesson my girls need, rather than just giving a math worksheet? Will I set aside the messy house to read library books to my kids, even though what I’d rather do is send the children outside so I can vacuum, sweep and dust—something which makes me feel better, even though the books make them feel better? Will I keep going forward with the next important thing, using my time wisely, or will I go to the computer to check my email and then get distracted with that news story about Marco Rubio's supposedly-disastrous finances?

All these decisions matter for eternity. My parenting matters for eternity.  I can model self-sacrifice or self-indulgence, a love for God or a love for myself.  I can have lofty ideas and goals, but what really matters is my behavior, not my intentions.

Good intentions don’t rear spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually well-balanced young people. Self-sacrifice does.

Lay down your life. Fade to the background. Be the wind their wings crave. 

Fill up on God, not self. Give from the abundance God provides, for the Christian is never empty-hearted. The Living Water is ours to drink from. We need not ever thirst again.

Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage

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(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.

Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.

Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:

The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.

Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.

Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”

DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).

For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.

I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

The Encouraging Parent

I've been co-teaching Trek AWANA for the past month and I love it.

Wait!

Did I just say I love teaching middle schoolers?

Who would have thunk it? It's amazing. There's much more in my head to impart about God and life then there are hours in AWANA. How to fit it all in, is the challenge--as well as working with the fact that I don't speak as clearly as I can write.

However, when we arrive home I find myself second guessing everything I said, even though I prepared very well. Did I offend this person or that person? Will they take it to heart or ignore it? I stay awake after teaching and drive myself crazy. Because I love teaching I find it very stimulating, which is part of the wide-awake issue.

My sons are in my class and Paul says, unsolicited, that I'm a great teacher, and he praises how much work I put into it.

So, why do I suffer with these self-doubts? I mean...I love it! And spiritual gift inventories indicate I have a teaching/knowledge/exhortation/discernment gift, which should help me work in this capacity confidently.

I've noticed that my boys' spiritual gift results are fairly similar to mine, and the top four gifts are all closely related.

Anyway, I've wracked my brain about my confidence conundrum because although we serve others to bring glory to God, we still need to feel personally good about it to make the experience as positive as possible--and to allow us the energy to keep going. Serving is always an expenditure of energy and time, no matter our gift package.

I recognize dysfunctional thinking here, based upon everything I've read about our thoughts and how they can trap us and hold us back in life. Not every thought represents truth. For example, when you look in the mirror at your aging face, you might see ugliness compared to what your face once was, but that doesn't mean other people see ugliness. The thought that you are ugly is probably not valid and should be discarded for your own good. It's a matter of filtering and constantly remembering that not every thought deserves our time and consideration.

Dysfunctional thought patterns can come from growing up in a dysfunctional home. It has taken some time for me to figure this out, but because my mother was jealous of my accomplishments, I had to curb my excitement or my competence to suit her. She left me second-guessing whether I should be happy with myself or not. Consequently, it took me a long time to reach a reasonable level of self-confidence. I still struggle with this, but at least I recognize it as dysfunction now.

And the best thing? God has used this lesson to help me become a very encouraging mother. I know the importance of pointing out children's strengths so they can believe themselves capable of anything God sets before them. We don't recognize our own strengths as readily as a keen observer does, who can see the issue from the sidelines. As parents, we are that keen observer, that cheerleader, that coach, that encourager.

We are the wind beneath their wings (next to the Holy Spirit), and once they're flying, we can relax and enjoy the view, not to mention praising the Lord for His divine guidance, and thanking him for the beautiful journey.

Your House: A Story of Love and Life

We women pride ourselves on our ability to multitask. We're different from men in that way, which is why God charged man with providing for his family, and women with the home-front tasks, such as the daily rearing of children. You can't care for children without the ability to multitask.

Case in point: a man gets his three children ready for church, his wife having gone to church earlier for choir practice. The wife did set out clothes for the children, but somehow Dad sent his youngest son to church with last year's high-water pants (two sizes too small!). The wife looked at her son in horror later, wondering where her husband even found those pants.

No, this did not happen to me. It could have, except that the choir would never want my awful voice. But once, when I went to a morning doctor's appointment while pregnant with my fourth, my husband let our middle two children out to play in their pajamas because he had no clue what to put on them.

Yes, multitasking seems to be God-sent, but even women can take it too far. One morning last week, trying to do too many things at once, I forgot to spray the bread pan before rolling up the dough and placing it in the pan. Instead of falling out nicely with a minor shake, I had to butcher the bread to get it out of the pan.

This week I again tried to do too many things at once, and I added the salt to the bread dough twice. We couldn't even eat it. Nasty. What a waste of groceries and time, but the lesson is well learned.

Here's what I've learned through breadmaking: We don't have to be everything to everybody all day long.

The sky is not going to fall if the house is a mess longer than a day, or two days. We can say...right now, I will focus on one thing. I will enjoy that one thing, and I will be grateful for the opportunity to bless through that one thing.

Too often we look around the disheveled house--disheveled because after all, kids do live in it--and we're dissatisfied with ourselves. We assume all the other moms do it better...balance it all better. Have cleaner living rooms, shinier refrigerators, wiped-down bathrooms, laundry that's folded and put away.

But this is closer to the truth: Sometimes, we read to the kids nice and long and the bathrooms don't get wiped down. We take the kids for a walk and the laundry doesn't get folded. Other days, we try to get caught up, wondering how it got so messy so fast. We fuss at the kids about their messes, making them feel like they're a bother, rather than a blessing.

The bottom line is this: Focus on relationships and don't regret what doesn't get done while you're enjoying the blessings God placed before you. Look at the messes and be grateful for them...marvel at the smart children who used their imaginations and had a good time with those fall nature specimens, even though they made a mighty mess in the process. Good minds make messes.

If you wipe down the bathrooms, give yourself permission to do it mindfully, while not trying to keep the laundry going, get snacks for the kids, and get online to pay a utility bill all at the same time.

A dissatisfied homemaker feels worthless and depressed because even though she's worked herself to exhaustion, she looks around and doesn't see much to show for her efforts--and the whole crazy thing starts all over the next morning. This is a common reason women prefer to leave the home and get a job. A job is often less maddening then being home with the kids.

The secret to happy homemaking is understanding choices and learning to be at peace with them. We all make choices for how we'll spend our time, and the women who consistently choose the house have less satisfying relationships.

I have one child who has twice said funny things about how it's going to be when he grows up. Once he announced that he was going to be strict with his children and they weren't going to make messes. Recently he said he was going to have a neat house, not one like ours.

Ouch.

My first reaction was irritation, because of course my husband and me are not the ones who generally make messes. It's the children, and this particular child is the second worst offender in that department. But quickly, my irritation melted down to amusement.

I gently prodded him and got him to admit that his house wouldn't be very fun for children, or peaceful for them, or intellectually stimulating, if no one was allowed to make messes.

And again, I prodded him to think about the mother who spends all her time cleaning, ignoring the children all the while. Would that convey love? Would that convey value? Who would be happy in a home that was made to feel like a model home you could only look at, not get comfortable in?

A home is, above all, a place for love. It's a safe haven: a place to try and fail, succeed and triumph. It's a place for exploring our talents, expanding our intellects, sharing ideas and sorrows, rejoicing one with another.

A house welcomes you in and lets you mold it to fit your unique family. It's grateful for the attention all the while. A house lives with you. It stretches with you. It's like The Velveteen Rabbit who was loved so much it became real. A house becomes a home.

A couple gets married, comes home giddy from the honeymoon, then throws themselves into making their home just so...cozy, warm, but orderly and clean. Life is good and predictable, and the state of the house is fairly uniform, except maybe around the holidays. Caring for it isn't a challenge. There's always an hour here, two hours there, to give it some attention.

Soon, the first baby appears; the couple arrives home giddy from the hospital.

Suddenly, come the feedings and the changing and rocking. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

In no time the house deteriorates to a shocking state. The new mother shudders to think who might visit and see it like that.

Five years later, the house is still shocking, but the messes look different.

Five more years, the messes change again but the shock value persists.

Five more years pass with no progress on the house, except when Mom gets single-minded before holiday guests and ignores everyone until the house is perfect---perfect for one hour.

Seven more years and you drive home, quiet and reflective, from the last child's wedding reception.

Gulp.

Now there's an hour here, two hours there, to care for the house, which reverts back to its pre-baby state.

But it's too quiet. Too clean. Too empty.

Momma's heart aches at the sight of each clean surface. At each quiet, orderly room...because the best years of her life all got married and moved away.

As she passes from room to room, imagining the scenes of their childhood all over again, she wonders if she made too much of the house and not enough of the kids. Did she marvel at their brilliant messes often enough? Their colorful, bold paintings? The elaborate dolly tea parties that quickly morphed into disaster areas? Their fall leaf collages that made getting the table ready for dinner a nightmare? Their mud cakes on the driveway?

Our houses go through a transformation just like we do. The walls will echo with the joys of childhood, long after the children have gone.

Make the right choices now, so you can enjoy those echoes later. Let the echos speak of love, patience, joy. Choose one thing at a time as much as you can, and let it more often than not be relationship. Let the kids bake with you, cook with you, clean with you, fold with you. Mundane tasks need not always depend on Mom alone. A task can turn into togetherness, into memory-making, into an abundant life.

Enjoy the stage your house is in now. Let that house echo of you and your family's legacy of love for centuries to come.

Wishing you and your home love, patience, joy.

Blessings,

Christine


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Teaching Dyslexics...the Delicate Dance, the Bottom Line

This morning I made a fact family chart for my girls so they could see the patterns clearly and maybe internalize them. This of course wasn't the first time I've done this.

2 + 2 = 4  so 4 - 2 = 2
3 + 3 = 6  so 6 - 3 = 3
4 + 4 = 8  so 8 - 4 = 4

I demonstrated each family with unifix cubes, up to 10 + 10 = 20.

Next, I gave them subtraction problems that included only doubles, such as 12 - 6 = 6, and 10 - 5 = 5.

If they get an answer of 12, the next challenge is...how do you write a 12? Is it 21 or 12? Is 14 a 4 and a 1, or a 1 and a 4? All the details overwhelm and cause fatigue and frustration--all the automaticity necessary, just doesn't come.

I put the chart I made right in front of them, thinking they could easily do the problems with the cubes to help, as well as with the fact family chart. Hopeful that my teaching job was at least temporarily done, I went to start the bread in the bread machine.

But no, they couldn't do it without help. Every time I thought I could go back to the bread, they called me again.

It's frustrating everyday when teaching dyslexics, even as you watch them throughout the day and see clearly how bright they are.

It's rarely a conceptual problem. They understand subtraction makes a number smaller, and addition makes it larger. They don't have issues with the concepts, but computation is still extremely exasperating for all of us.

Automaticity, as I said, just isn't there. Working memory isn't strong enough for random facts and sequences, and seemingly simple patterns don't jump out at them like they do for many of us. They look at a 100's chart and see random symbols, not patterns.

They can't look at 3 mathematical signs, like +, -, and =, and tell you automatically which is which. They have to think about it, and ask for clarification. They have to ask for clarification about 6 and 9, and b and d, even though we've used strategies to tell them apart.

They can't automatically remember that we read problems from left to right, not right to left. And when faced with a non-modified worksheet, they can't remember which row they're on, so when they have an answer, they don't know where to put it because all the rows and columns are overwhelming, which is why Teaching Textbooks is a wonderful program for dyslexics. It presents one problem at a time, and keeps distractions at a minimum. I can't wait until the girls are ready for third grade math and can use Teaching Textbooks.

When dyslexics (dyscalculics) get to algebra, the concepts aren't a problem, but without a calculator, the simple, multiple computation steps leading up to the answer, are a problem. So many steps of addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication are overwhelming. Too many signs, too much work on the scratch sheet, making it too hard to see which problem you just worked out. It's a horrible waste of paper to do everything on a fresh sheet, and yet chalk is a pain. I've resorted to cutting small sections of paper for each problem.

Yesterday my six-year-old daughter told us out of the blue that she's going to marry someone who is a Christian, who is intelligent, loving, helps others, likes to go places, and who is fun. All this from a six year old! Her mind--her discernment and insight--amazes me all day long.

Dyslexics see the big picture well, and work from that vantage point.

My girls--and many, many dyslexics--love movement, music, art, acting, making up songs, making up games. They can do so much, and yet dyslexia, if they let it, can crush their spirits...make them feel dumb and dis-empowered.

No, my beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter. This doesn't mean you're dumb. It means you're different. Your mind works differently, and your mind is needed in the body of Christ.

I feel overwhelmed so often with the dance I have to maintain as their teacher, and yet the challenge is delicious, too. On the one hand, I have to point out frequently what they can do--how God has gifted them. And on the other hand I have to maintain the patience of a saint while I try to come up with methods that work for them, and empower them.

I honestly don't know how much time to spend on computation, because no matter how much we do, it never becomes automatic. Peter, who shares the same difficulties, memorized stories to learn his multiplication facts, and he's never memorized his addition or subtraction facts. If that was my goal, we'd never have gotten to seventh grade math at all.

There's one word for this dilemma. Calculator. For all those students who feel like crying because they can't pass the timed math drills in public school, I wish I could tell their parents and teachers one thing. Calculator. Memorized facts is not next to godliness, any more than cleanliness is. With one in five students dyslexic, we need to get this straight. Calculator, Calculator. Calculator. It's okay for some students to use one. It's not a failure. The sooner they learn to operate one, the better.

I don't mean to throw out the flashcards anymore than the cursive, but not everyone can memorize them, and it's not lack of trying.

I have to stay mindful that successful dyslexics warn not to spend too much time remediating your dyslexic student, at the expense of allowing them to capitalize on their strengths. Their unique strengths, which make them valuable in the workplace, are what catapult them forward, both in spirit, and in their work life.

Society doesn't understand dyslexia. They think it's a tragedy, or that these people are low or borderline IQ, when in fact they are of average or above-average intelligence. The misconceptions are changing, but not fast enough. My kids will have to face a lot of scrutiny about their lack of basic skills (spelling, punctuation, computation). As their homeschool parent, I'll likely be blamed--a fact for which I'm bracing myself.

Their path to help people understand them and believe in them will be an uphill battle, and I pray they find the challenge delicious. I pray they'll be their own bosses, and even go into joint ventures, for his glory. If they don't fit an established mold, they have to remodel the clay as they go through life. They have to appreciate their own minds and realize that "outside the box" is good. They have to muster the courage to raise their hands and say..."But what about this angle?" The angle that is just right, but that no one else sees, because they aren't spatially gifted like a dyslexic.

The same phenomena that makes dyslexics have trouble with left and right and where to start, also makes them solve puzzles and see solutions others don't see. They can view things from multi-vantage points...rotate things in three dimension easily.

Whatever happens, the whole amazing thing, with all its advantages and disadvantages, serves as a reminder that we live for eternity. We hold all these things loosely: success, comfort, prestige, recognition, being understood, having an easy road. We embrace our divine path, whatever it is, and wherever it leads. It's unique. It's ours, given as gift.

At the end of the day, the homeschooling mother isn't successful when her children can do their math problems swiftly. It's when they understand their place before God, their place before eternity...that's when you can go to bed with a joyful sigh and a thankful heart.

Mother-Daughter Toxic Patterns

An OCD psychologist I like writes for Psychology Today, and recently I noticed a link on that site to an article about mothers and daughters, entitled 8 Types of Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships. The writer of the article is not a therapist and doesn't diagnose anything, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which would explain some of the behaviors she details. She also wrote a book entitled Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt, for which she interviewed many daughters with toxic mothers.

She chose not to interview daughters whose mothers had been diagnosed with any personality disorder, or whose mothers were addicts. These were seemingly normal families with mothers who for whatever reason, were unable or unwilling to love their daughters.

Ms. Streep highlights eight patterns indicative of toxic mothers (not mutually exclusive...toxic mothers exhibit more than one of them, typically):

- dismissive
- controlling
- unavailable
- enmeshed
- combative
- unreliable
- self-involved
- role-reversed

Keep in mind that she refers to ongoing patterns, not atypical instances of these behaviors. She finds that about 50% of us get lucky in terms of who our mothers are, and the other 50% are unlucky to some extent.

I found the comment's section particularly enlightening. What kept coming up was the phenomena of a mother playing favorites, and treating cruelly one of her daughters, while being a decent mother to her other children. Does this favoritism ring true for any of you?

I read such articles to gauge my own healing, and to keep mindful of my own mothering practices. When one grows up in a dysfunctional family, there is often a fear of repeating the sins of one's parents. But there's a crucial difference between a good-enough mother (which most of us are) and a toxic mother.

It's self-awareness.

~ Toxic mothers refuse to acknowledge their part in any dysfunction, and categorically blame others for any problems that arise.

~ They will systematically turn others against anyone who tries to confront them on unacceptable behavior, while being loving to those who play the denial game.

~ They care intensely about public image, and when they are loving, it's often to make themselves look good, rather than from genuine feeling. They have an idea in their head of what a mother should be and do, and they dupe themselves into believing they are that mother. Whoever disagrees verbally or otherwise, is considered ungrateful and troubled.

~ They may try to maintain a relationship with a child they despise, but only because to not do so would be considered unloving and unforgiving, and they don't want to portray that image. If a child walks away from them, they blame the child, and they make sure everyone knows how hurt and shocked they are.

~ Toxic mothers control children with guilt.

Many of the women in the comment's section indicated they have no contact, or limited contact, with their mothers. Most of the women were in their thirties or forties before realizing they had a toxic mother. Many of them indicated some of the dislike on the part of the mothers was because they (the daughter) "succeeded" in life while the mother did not, and there was jealously and hatred partially because of that.

It will be two years in February since I decided to break contact with my mother, and I continue to strongly believe it was the right decision for me and my immediate family. I continue to heal. However, breaking contact has not been without high cost. My mother is one of ten children, with seven siblings still living. All of my aunts and uncles stopped contacting me at Christmas and otherwise, and one of them lives within ten miles of me.

Some of them are aware of problems with my mother's behavior, including the local aunt (not my father's sister, who also lives nearby), but they would never try to cross her by contacting me.

My sister maintains contact with me via email, though we don't discuss our mother. My half-brother (different father) neither contacts me nor returns my emails. He blames me that our family is no longer "intact", and thinks that however my mother treats me, I should just accept it and realize that not everyone is perfect. He thinks I'm unforgiving, and doesn't understand the whole toxic parent thing because my mother treats he and my sister reasonably well, and always has. They play the alcoholic-parent denial game well, and they're rewarded for it.

I asked to live with my father when I was twelve, and my mother both didn't allow it, and didn't forgive me for asking. The fact that our home was an alcoholic one was not something she could bring herself to acknowledge, and she still can't. She wasn't a falling-down, or every-day drunk, and she didn't physically abuse us, so to her there was no problem.

We all did a pretty good job of denying the problem, because it didn't match the above criteria. According to recent statistics, a full 30% of Americans are problem drinkers. I'm willing to bet that because most cases aren't extreme, there's a lot of denial and damage in progress.

People have a hard time validating an unloved daughter's experiences when she is the only one of the children, seemingly, to have mother issues. A mother who plays favorites goes against our idea of what a mother should be, and we have a hard time believing it can be a common experience. But it is common, and truly damaging and tragic, and takes a long time to recover from, especially if you've been trained to blame yourself, through guilt-training, for the mother-daughter issues.

As Christians, it's hard for us to justify breaking contact with someone. It does seem unforgiving. It does seem to go against what scripture teaches. Indeed, it's a long road to healing for Christians who are caught in the trap of a toxic person, whether parent, friend, or sibling. If you find yourself there, look at it not so much in light of a particular scripture, but from the Bible as a whole.

Does allowing someone to sin against you over and over without remorse further your Christian walk, or allow you to freely and heartily work for, and live for, Christ? Does it allow you the energy and desire to extend common grace and kindnesses to others? Does it allow you to keep up with your devotional life?

Or does it sap all your energy and make you feel depressed, sad, anxious, and guilty? Does it make it difficult to concentrate on anything but the hurt and disappointment?

Only you know the answers to these questions, but what has helped me is to finally come to terms with this: My mother doesn't love me and it's not my fault. And, I don't have to justify how I've handled this to anyone but God. Not everyone will understand and that's okay with me.

Another revelation that led to significant healing is this: It isn't fruitful for me to worry about who loves me or likes me, and I certainly can't try to change their minds either way. God loves me and that is enough. He loves me fully, perfectly. His love is what heals, uplifts, and strengthens.

Love is necessary for every human, but seeking it is not fruitful. Giving it is. We give it because He first loved us.

What do I owe my mother? I have answered that question this way: I owe her my prayers, my forgiveness, my well wishes, my love. I don't owe her my presence or my correspondence, because in doing that I remain inside her toxic web.

I wish you all the best as you try to answers these tough questions in your own life. If you would like prayers, I would love to pray for you.

A Stray Dog and a Prayer

They begged and pleaded, and we said no and no and no. We can't afford a dog right now. We can't afford a dog right now. We can't afford a dog right now.

You get the picture, yes? How this sounded week after week, as soon as they had opportunity to pet a dog somewhere? Or see a dog movie?

Finally, I changed my answer to their pleading, as I often do when they plead for something that costs money: Whatever you think you need, pray about it. If God agrees, he will provide it in time.

About 18 months ago, we adopted a dog who kept snapping at the kids, though not actually biting them. We gave it three months, before giving him back to the rescue operation, when a particular snapping scared us pretty badly.

The kids and I mourned the loss of the dog, but we knew rescue dogs often have serious issues. We couldn't afford a professional trainer, or risk a bite either, for that matter. We waited for God to drop a suitable dog in our laps, along with the funds for purchase. It was just too distracting for Peter to peruse dog sites constantly (obsessively). Many of the rescue fees were $200 per dog.

Fast forward about 12 months.

One of the neighbor kids found the little guy pictured above--a German Shepherd mix we presume--roaming the neighborhood. She kept it at her house, and posted lost dog ads on three different websites. She's had the dog a week, and she daily brought him over here for outdoor playtime in our fenced yard. My kids became attached to the dog's puppy-like energy and fetching antics, not to mention his loving ways. He marks his territory already, which I think occurs in male dogs six months and over, especially if they haven't been neutered (he hasn't been).

About this same time we learned that the neighbor girl's family is losing their house at the end of the month, and they still hadn't found a home for the dog. They already have one dog, and this new one doesn't take well to other dogs, though he doesn't seem to guard his resources (food or water or toys).

I thought of all the reasons keeping the dog here was a bad idea, especially since I didn't know how long he had been a stray or what issues he might have--though he seemed like a great, fun-loving, energetic dog, perfectly matching my children's energy levels. As well, German Shepherds make good therapy dogs. I watched closely out the window each day and noticed that the dog seemed to keep Peter's OCD at bay temporarily.

Finally, with everything considered, God spoke to my heart and He changed my no to a maybe...we might be able to see how it goes, if Daddy agrees. The Lord reminded me of the kids' sincere dog prayers. We had to assume that if God provided a free dog, he would also provide for his food and other bills.

We're still in the first 24 hours of possession, but we can all tell the dog--who appears to be between six months and a year old--has been housetrained and at least knows something of a dog crate, although the neighbor girl let him sleep on her bed, which spoiled him. Our pediatrician has long said "no pets in the bedrooms" because of allergies, so bedroom sleeping is not an option for us.

We're rusty with crate usage and forgot to lock its side door when we went to the dentist yesterday, and he got out of it, without damaging the house, thank goodness. And last night he whined in it for 45 minutes, before falling asleep (from midnight to 6:30, when my husband went to the kitchen). We're hoping for more sleep tonight. I believe he's old enough to sleep eight hours, once he acclimates here.

We plan to take him to a vet who does free microchip checks, to try to find an owner, before claiming him as ours. Taking him for frequent walks should also help us find an owner, if he lived in this neighborhood.

The neighbor girl was undisciplined with him and allowed mouthing during play, which we will have to train out of him if we want to keep him. It's mild, however. I told the kids not to do tug-of-war games that encourage mouthing.

We'll keep you posted. Needless to say, I've got some happy, grateful kids right now.

Do you have a dog? How did the crate training go at night, after the initial potty training? I've read three or four articles on it, but I still feel less than confident in it. That whining was hard to take last night, but I stood firm, knowing to give in was the worst thing I could do, and not having the luxury of time to acclimate him slowly. I couldn't let a stray dog have the run of the house or even the kitchen, nor did we have enough barricade items, since he jumps. He seemed like he had at least seen a crate before as he went in readily, but not sleeping in one ever, or at least for a time, was a problem.

We don't care for the name Pedro, which is what the neighbor girl gave him, but for training purposes we will keep it for now, and maybe even get used to it.

A Little Family Wisdom

My kids may as well have been born in a different century, or so it seems sometimes. We're in a church with lots of children, and consequently my kids are perceiving more and more how other kids' lives are different from theirs.

Basically, when you take away all disposable income (money to entertain oneself outside the home or the park) and take away video- and electronic-games and Internet phones, what you have is an existence for kids that mirrors more what it was like in the mid to late twentieth century. That is, kids who entertained themselves with the natural environment (creeks, ponds, fields, backyards), and with bats and balls, paper, crayons, pencils and paints, with yarn, sewing, and dolls, and most importantly, with their own family, and neighbor kids.

When my kids (even my youngest) go to church and hear about this or that family who went here or there, and ate at this or that restaurant, or who played this or that electronic game, they feel left out and weird. So they mention it to me and I empathize with them, telling them it is hard to be different.

But then we discuss what they heard and compare it to the life God calls us to in the Bible. He calls us to lead an other-focused life, not a me-focused life. All the things they heard are usually me-focused activities, rather than other-focused activities, and so our little talk helps them see that they're really not worse off, even if they appear weird.

I also remind them that people in wealthy countries often spend the first half of their lives indulging themselves. Then, when they're older and learn that a me-focused life is not what God wants for them, they have a hard time finding a balance. They feel deprived if they start to spend less on themselves. It's a difficult transition.

It's good, I remind my kids, to know what to do with yourself without money to help you. It's a great skill and one that will help them all their lives. They have to use their imaginations, and they have to learn to work cooperatively with others to make the most of the resources available. And they have to invent new things to do, rather than rely on something already invented.

They're learning that God gave us much to entertain and soothe ourselves in the natural world, which He created for our good pleasure. The natural world is a gift. It's like God's love letter to us.

Lastly, my kids, as less distracted young people, are learning that entertainment isn't supposed to be our only concern. People all over the world have needs, and we're supposed to be thinking about that, more than about our next entertainment fix. I share with them this verse:

1 Corinthians 10:23 "I have the right to do anything," you say--but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"--but not everything is constructive.

The more choices we have available to us outside of our working/school hours, the more we have to discern what is good and pleasing to the Lord. We already know that work is good and pleasing to the Lord, and that idleness (not having an occupation of some sort) is sin. We already know that God calls us also to rest.

If during our discretionary time we have more permissible things on our list than constructive things, we're imbalanced.

Don't feel sorry for your kids if you can't give them what most kids have or experience. Rarely are the things that come from money the best things (unless you're talking clean water, sanitation, and a non-leaking roof).

Actually, if your Christian kids fit it with typical kids, you might be missing something about not being in the world. Christian kids should be different. Rough around the edges because they're still kids, after all, but different, nonetheless. (My kids have huge flaws, believe me.)

Another difference my kids feel keenly is their perception of family. They're often dismayed at what kids say about their siblings, or even about their parents.

Case in point: Last Friday some new neighbors came over and when Peter told the sister of the pair (she was about 9 years old) that he had three siblings, she responded sarcastically, "Oh, I feel sorry for you."

When your best earthly asset is your family, you can't relate to these sentiments. Peter told her--as he often does to other kids who express similar sentiments--that he is grateful for his siblings. As my oldest, Peter is learning to stand up for his values without care for the backlash.

Family has gone out of style, sadly. Families may sleep under the same roof, but because they disperse here and there during the day and evenings, that's about all they have in common--their roof for sleeping under. They don't even necessarily eat there, or at least not often together.

If I ever wanted to write a book, it would be about bringing back the family. If you have a close-knit nuclear family, you're rich. And if you have the Lord in conjunction with family, you have all the best this universe has to offer--a foundation that will never fail you...sources of joy that will never go out of style.

Thank the Lord we always have these two things to give to our children, no matter our circumstances.

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Preparing Our Daughters For Lifelong Marriage Part 1

No doubt you're sick of hearing about the Duggars by now, but I really want to encourage mothers and wives by giving a Christian perspective on Anna Duggar's situation, and speak on how we can prepare our daughters for marriage and for a life of faith. Should we really "teach them to breathe fire" and would that prevent heartbreak in their lives?

In this first piece, I will deal with just the beginning portion of the worldly sentiments presented in the letter featured below. In another piece, I'll write on the breathe-fire portion.

Kirkland, a mother of two girls, recently wrote a Facebook post that went viral, detailed here and excerpted below:

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren't given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don't have to marry a man their father deems "acceptable" and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn't, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he's in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say "I don't deserve this, and my children don't deserve this." I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire.

It's tempting to champion this woman's cause given the completely humiliating manner in which Josh treated Anna. As much as I've cringed at Josh Duggar's heartbreaking sins and how unfavorably they reflect on Christianity, I'm mindful that we know very little information. Isn't that usually true, when we're tempted to judge others?

We have no idea what went on in their marriage or in their daily family life, but I know from experience that when you're caring for a newborn and other little ones, you have little interest in marital relations. (Don't roll your eyes yet...I am not going to excuse Josh or any other unfaithful spouse.) Weeks or sometimes months can go by without any attention to our husbands, easily, during this first year (or during times of intense stress), and our husbands are put in a difficult place, because to keep reminding us about their needs appears insensitive to our exhaustion or our feelings. I think many men remain silent so as not to provoke us or feel like schmucks.

Most women are aroused by feeling close to and in love with their husbands, and by being rested and relaxed enough to feel light and playful. Men are aroused far more easily (given their visual bent) and can even be aroused during times of exhaustion and intense stress.

Communication is very, very important here.

Our husbands are responsible before God for their decisions and actions, no matter whether we remember their needs or not. It isn't fair to blame an overwhelmed and physically exhausted mother for her husband's pornography habit or an affair, but it is wise for mothers to prepare their daughters to keep lines of communication open with their husbands in the year after childbirth, and during times of intense family stress. It's an unwise woman who assumes her husband is doing fine, as long as he isn't nagging for attention. Grace must abound on both sides.

God always provides a way out of temptation and open communication is one of those means in a marriage.

I am not indicating by these statements that I think Josh is a real Christian gone wrong, or that by more marital relations their issues could have been prevented. I don't know his spiritual state, but total deception such as his can start with small spiritual compromises, accompanied by a sense of entitlement. Satan is sure to spur us on in our compromises, by increasing our sense of entitlement.

We need to resist the temptation to make villains of one spouse or the other when we hear bits and pieces of marital stories, since no one knows the inner workings of a marriage, as I said. We do best to pray for our own marriage and the marriages within our churches. Because marriage. is. hard.

I resolve to prepare my daughters for the complexities of married life...for how many of us went into marriage wholly unprepared for the complexity, and had to make mistakes to learn how to dance well together? A lifelong marriage will have very low points, and only the strongest finish the race.

The world will scream for us to cut our losses, get out and start over, but the spiritually steadfast and long-suffering stay the course (though if you are being abused, put physical and emotional distance between you and the abuser, by all means).

And incidentally, when an adulterer remains unrepentant, he is abusing his wife emotionally and she is justified in leaving, with the Lord's blessing. Before it becomes clear that an adulterer is unrepentant, I believe the Lord would rather we keep our eyes on Him and proceed cautiously, though we can leave for adultery right away, if desired.

The world would have us believe that a women who stays is weak and stupid, but God's glory shines through us best when we focus on His character, rather than on what we deserve.

Kristen Welsh from We Are That Family successfully dealt with her husband's addiction to pornography (he's an ex youth pastor) and they have a strong marriage now. With our eyes on God instead of on our immediate heartache, marriage can persevere.

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. This is a worldly perspective only. Anna Duggar is (let's assume), a born-again Christian and as such, she's got eternal life to look forward to, rather than eternal suffering. Contrary to Ms. Kirkland's sentiment, Anna is blessed beyond measure.

The 20-year-old woman who gets in a car accident a month before her wedding and becomes a paraplegic for life, is in a pretty awful situation, too, but like Anna's situation, it's part of the sin curse. We all suffer and everyone has devastating periods in their lives, whether they come early or later in our middle years. We all need divine strength to get through the day. We all need to be thankful for every day, and reminded that godliness with contentment is great gain.

Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. 

Anna was crippled by her parents? While at least a two-year degree or a vocational skill is desirable before marriage, the Bible does not ask us to put our hope in education. Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

The Bible does mandate one type of education--spiritual education, as outlined here:

Deuteromony 11:19 "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. "You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,…

The Bible also teaches that if we put the Kingdom of God first, then God will provide for all of our daily needs, education or not--and I say this as someone who, as a former public educator, has been guilty in the past of worshiping education.

Matthew 6:32-34 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It's so easy for all of us to disregard this verse when our daily bread appears insecure, as it may for Anna right now, but God's Word stands firm, no matter our circumstances. When we make a commitment to live each day for his glory and give tomorrow to Him, our joy abounds.

Hope in His Power

God, the lover of my soul, gives me hope. Scarcely a half hour goes by before any despair I experience is replaced with Hope. Sometimes, it's in the form of tangible evidence he gives me about the future.

Last week, my son Peter had to respond to a writing warm-up from Apologia's Jump In Writing Curriculum. His prompt was God has given me...

He writes thus...

God has given me the gift of teaching. When I teach I feel God speaking through me. I can find so much to teach about in the Bible. It is the book of life that I live by, and the best book ever written. It has a lot of great advice in it.

This simple paragraph gives me hope because it speaks of my son's passion, of his confidence in the Lord and in Scripture, and in God's provision for his life's work. It helps me believe that despite any disabilities, God will use my son for His glory. Indeed, he already is.

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

The One Thing You'll Never Regret

Romans 11:36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Do you worry about the future and what it holds for your children?

As a mother I have legitimate reason to worry about my children, but I try not to. When the waves of despair threaten me, I do a stubborn about-face and go in search of joy, instead.

God is too powerful, too gracious, too faithful, for me to fret. I know it's a sin, besides.

But the signs are all there. Signs of series mental illness in more than one of my children. One, who previously wasn't a source of much worry, is displaying early bipolar signs.

It's hard not to feel terror when I assess the situation and see the tell-tale signs.

That's one side of my life circumstances.

The other is this: my children delight me with their love, their sibling relationships, their unique intelligences, their sweetness, their evangelistic efforts with more and more neighbor children.

I see their gifts, their huge hearts, their worship of the Savior, and I'm overjoyed.

Life is like that...like a teeter-totter. On the one hand is immense joy, and on the other hand, intense sorrow.

When I'm at my best spiritually I know the Lord's holding it all in balance; there isn't a single detail he's going to forget about, or fail to cover for in his ultimate plan.

I don't have a crystal ball to see the adult outcome for my affected children, whether it's missionary work, a lucrative self-employment, a professorship, or even a subsidized apartment on disability. Success or failure, I can't predict. The statistics don't help me, because the mentally ill can get by fine, or they can falter, crash and burn.

I have no control at all. We're stubborn and sorely mistaken when we insist we yet wield some control over the future.

So much happens to the adolescent brain and my little girls may not escape something mental themselves. Mental illness can get worse or first appear around that time, and usually persists for a lifetime, at great cost to loved ones and to the sufferers.

I've learned to do the only thing I can do--I spend an inordinate amount of time pointing my children to Jesus, the Healer.

Maybe you don't have these concerns with your own children. Maybe everything about their futures looks promising.

Still, you don't have any control either. I highly recommend spending an inordinate amount of time pointing them to the Savior. 

It's the one thing you'll never regret.

Or the one thing you'll wish you'd done.

If it's the former in your case, your child's life will reflect His glory. His glory with eclipse any pain, suffering, or sadness. And let me tell you...these aren't just some soothing words on a screen. They're my reality.

He. is. faithful. Hallelujah.

Hebrews 1:3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high...

Making the Years Count

Following two months of rain and clouds, the oppressive heat of summer arrived this week. Our languishing yellow squash--a summer staple in this house--may not make it, but the pumpkins are doing well. The tomatoes look terrific; the sweet banana peppers, not so much.

We went back to school full time following our exhausting but terrific Vacation Bible School week, during which Peter and I worked (me assigned to the church kitchen with my new homeschooling friend, and Peter with outdoor games).

On the hottest day this week we took a break in the air conditioning to enjoy a 2006 non-animated version of Charlotte's Web. Did I ever tell you that Fern from Charlotte's Web is a clone of my Mary? They share the same childhood wonder of all things nature-oriented; the same passionate, tender heart. The same love of comfortable, functional, tomb-boy clothes, followed by a transformation in the form of dresses on Sunday; the same love of the fanciful over the realistic.

Every day Mary goes outside deliberately making her rounds, turning over rocks and logs and whatever she can muscle, to uncover the hidden treasures: pill bugs, frogs, toads, and the occasional surprise creatures. She scours every bush and vine looking for tree frogs and praying mantises and cicadas. She walks carefully over the grass, eyes pining for grasshoppers.

When I see her from the window, running like mad, making a beeline for the front door, I know she's bursting to show me an amazing specimen from God. She and Peter, two peas in a pod, recently found 8 praying mantises on our church grounds, which are surrounded by fields and woods.

I told her she reminds me of Fern and my Mary smiled from ear to ear, knowing it was true.

Charlotte's Web, if you must know, is one of the greatest children's books ever written--not that I'm an authority or anything, but I do love children. Some of us love just our own children, and some of us love and see every child as supremely beautiful and amazing--the very best of God's heart outside of the Cross.

Mark 9:42 "If anyone causes one of these little ones--those who believe in me--to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.

Matthew 18:1-3 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

Charlotte's Web captures all that is sacred about childhood and bottles it. At the end when Charlotte dies, Mary and I cry buckets and it's a reminder to me that childhood passes as quickly as a spider's life. After we help them into their wedding veil and cumberbund and throw the rice--which seems about a month after they're born--it's an occasion of joy mixed with the bittersweet memories of bygone years.

"This is my egg sac, my magnum opus, my great work, the finest thing I have ever made." (Charlotte quote).

If you're a Momma, let that be your mantra. God gifts us with these precious, helpless, amazing wonders called children. No, they are not ours, but they are the work of our bodies, our hearts, our very lives. Each night when we go to bed and each morning upon waking, we must realize the miracle of their presence in our lives.

We can put nothing above their needs. We can put nothing unwholesome in front of them to corrupt their tender hearts. We can pursue not our personal dreams at their expense. We cannot be tempted by the world and its finery, chasing it at the expense of our children's salvation, which requires an incredible investment of time and heart.

Don't let the upcoming September busy season woo you--the season of running here and there, having our children trained by strangers in this and that endeavor so they'll shine for whatever Jones' we're trying to keep up with. 

Let me tell you a secret: The Jones' don't love Jesus and they don't love your child, either. Our children are to shine for Him and Him only and the soccer, piano, and football teacher can't accomplish this holy endeavor. Schedule sparingly and wisely so you can speak life into your children's hearts. 

Do we want future family gatherings to be tense and full of dysfunction, or joyful and full of life abundant, shared with children who serve Him most of all? Things can still go wrong, but the quality of our remaining years and theirs will depend greatly on the number of hours we're willing to invest in their hearts right now. 

Be wooed not by a perfect house or by Facebook and Twitter. Don't concentrate on keeping up, but on keeping company with Him--the Bread of Life. Introduce your children to Him hour by hour, day by day, each moment building a legacy that will bless generations to come.

 

When you live for and make decisions that count for eternity, and have in your possession a dog-eared, well-read, marked-up Bible, you're blessed with all that God intended this side of Heaven.

Don't look for blessing in your health tests, your bank account, your clothing labels, your wheels, your furnishings, or your square footage. Look for it in the relationships you've invested in--with Him, and with your loved ones and neighbors.

Matthew 22:36-40 (source here)
36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

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What are you going to do today to speak life into your children?