Christmas Letter 2018

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope you enjoyed a merry Christmas with your loved ones. Today, December 26th, I’m finally stealing time from children, chores, and ministry to reflect on 2018.

For our own family and for some of our relatives, there was loss and grief. My husband’s father passed away in January. He was 95 and lived a life that was hard, grief-filled, but faithful to the God he met as a young man. He suffered mental illness but despite that, I heard him quote a line from Scripture he obviously took to heart. Philippians 4:11 “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” His wife died 44 years ago, and their first child, a baby daughter, died at 8 months old. His mother and sister suffered mental illness and he lost them to a mental institution a very long time ago, so his was a lonely life. Though he was not a perfect father, he did his best with the tools a broken world handed him; he improved on the previous generation, securing for my husband and his sister more stability and faith, and even more love, than he had in his own youth. In death he left behind my husband and our children, my husband's sister and her son.

My aunt E, my dad’s sister, lost her husband, D, 76, in September, after 58 years of marriage. My aunt Dorothy, my mom’s sister, lost her husband, R, in later fall, at age 83, after 63 years of marriage. Both men had large families and their lives touched many; both suffered painful deaths from cancer and fought courageously, thinking of the families they were leaving, and the legacies they wanted to bless them with. Their long marriages, their faithfulness to their children and families spoke volumes to the present and coming generations. Please pray for my aunts as they grieve and find strength for new routines, new inspirations. Incidentally, they are good friends, having met in the early 90’s because their mothers were roommates in the same nursing home. Their mothers died a couple days apart, and their husbands two months apart--once again, they are a comfort to each other.

My husband and the kids took trips twice to Pennsylvania to see his Aunt D and Uncle B and Cousin Shawna and her family, meeting up with his sister also, and staying with good friends Jim and his wife in Allentown, PA. A great time was had by all. Peter has struggled psychologically for most of the year and I needed a break from that, so I stayed behind to deal with home repairs and homeschooling paperwork. Peter started a new, safe medicine last month which is for bipolar (though he may or may not have that). The med has been a game changer and an answer to prayer. He still has bad days, just fewer of them.

My house full of children is changing. All are in adolescence and becoming their own people; my job is now about guiding while staying out of God’s way, as he molds them into who He wants them to be, and as He prepares them for the work he has for them. Our church’s high school youth group is offering the teens a week-long mission trip to Costa Rica, encompassing a few hours of morning construction work, followed by running a daily Vacation Bible School for an inner-city church. The emphasis is on the teens running it all, not merely helping the adults. It’s about learning to be leaders, as well as expressing God’s love and mercy.

Imagine the flags that went off in our parental heads at the mention of a Central American country, though Costa Rica is not one of the most dangerous. The mission organization employs armed guards to protect the teens while they work, but nevertheless as a mother I fought hard to come to yes regarding this trip. Something Peter said finally decided it; while I was Googling San Jose, Costa Rica for as much information as I could gather, he commented, “Well, those kids have to live there, so it has to be safe enough for us to visit.” Oh. I can’t tell you how those words hit me. Immediately, I imagined another Christian mother, sitting in Costa Rica, praying. If God saw fit for another mother’s children to live in those conditions, and for her to pray with faith every day for His protection and blessing, I could certainly go out of my comfort zone to share my children’s love and talents, and my prayers, with that faithful mother and her children. I tell other people and my children how big of a God we serve--how powerful and faithful he is--all the time. So how could I say no to an opportunity for God to demonstrate that power in a tangible way? God willing, they are both going.

The drug lords are winning in Central America, corrupting the politicians, the police, crippling the countries, causing significant migration. I know it’s only God’s power that can eclipse the evil. Addiction and trafficking threaten to steal our worth. The message of both is that we are worthless--God’s message is that we are priceless. Our Creator gives us our worth. He, who knit us in the womb and knew us before we were born. He, who thought we were so priceless and beautiful He was willing to give it all for us. I want my children to be part of His message of love and worth. Some problems require a spiritual lead first, not a political one. Without the one, the other will fail.

There were changes in ministry this year. I helped in middle school AWANA for three years, and while that wasn’t my area of giftedness, I did learn to love those kids, after discovering you need to connect one on one. In their mob, they’re less than pleasant, but the true person comes through when you get them away from their peers. 

After the AWANA year closed in May, I asked the AWANA commander for younger kids, and ended up taking a co-director position for the 3rd-5th grade AWANA club in Sept. It was a more ambitious position than I really had time for (the other co-director is burned-out after many decades of ministry), but I didn’t want another year in middle school. I teach most weeks and send out weekly newsletters to parents and volunteers, work individually with kids, and plan reviews. It’s a bit like a part-time job and the books we use change every year for a three-year cycle. But it’s so fulfilling! The kids look up at you with eager faces and hearts, hungry for the teachings of God. Beth is in my club, Mary is in the middle school club, Paul is a verse leader/occasional teacher in my club, and Peter is in his third year as a leader in the preschool club. He loves it. Paul and I both think the 3rd-5th kids are such a blessing. I hope we pour as much love into them as they pour into us.

There have been changes with our Compassion International children; we now have two--one young girl in Uganda and a teen boy in Columbia. We used to have more, but a few moved into areas that Compassion doesn’t serve, one moved out of the program because her family was doing better, and one, sadly, (our first-ever Compassion child, Divya) became a victim of India’s new leader, Modi, who cracked down on Christian ministry in India. In March 2017, Compassion International was forced to pull out of India entirely after 48 years, closing 589 Child Development Centers serving 145,000 of the country’s poorest children. India has since moved to number 11 on the Open Doors World Watch List (annual list of top 50 countries where it’s most dangerous to follow Jesus). In 2017 they were number 15 on the list, and in 2018 they moved to number 11, so it’s very alarming. 

It used to be that outside of North Korea--number 1 on the list for 18 years--that the worst areas for persecution and violence against Christians, and particularly Christian women, were Islamist extremist areas, but now Hindu/ethnic extremists, like Modi, are also a major problem. Please pray for Divya and her family, who we and Compassion no longer have any contact with. She has our personally-written letters, which all Compassion children treat like gold because of the hope and love they contain. She participated not only in vocational, health, and tutoring classes, but in Bible studies before Compassion shut down. Her personal letters to us indicated a relationship with God. Whatever they might do, they can’t take Him.

Now for the kids here at home. Mary is a soulful, passionate child and music is her spiritual language. She loves a lot of Christian music, but the Australian-American band For King and Country produces great content that she adores--and they’re not too bad on the eyes to a 12-year-old girl, either. They sing, do lots of concerts (not near us this year), write their own music, do music videos, and the song/book/movie Priceless, about trafficked women. She hasn’t seen the movie due to mature/emotional content, but when she’s older she will. It’s outstanding. She likes to hear the stories behind every song they’ve written. Each story is compelling. I hope her love for music will inspire her to manage her storm phobia, which is still a very serious problem in her life. Overcoming fear is a common theme in Christian music.

Mary also loves to read--I can’t keep enough literature in the house for her! Missionary stories are favorites, as well as adventure novels with inspiring, courageous characters. She still reads a lot of historical literature as part of our curriculum, too. She loves the power of story and I believe someday she’ll harness the power of story to charge hearts and lives. I bought her Katie Davis Major's two books for Christmas, which are really impacting her (Kisses for Katie, and Daring to Hope).

She loves fishing, and card and board games with her siblings. She loves her middle school church class and gets along well with boys, since her two brothers were her first companions. She usually has one girl she likes in each class. If you asked her what she wants to do with her life, she’d probably say, “Go on adventures.” She has prayed about becoming a missionary to China or another land. More recently China is cracking down on the underground house-churches, which have been very successful in growing a very large Christian population.

Paul is 15 and a hardworking student, blessed to have many things come easily to him. He excels at writing--essays, narrative and expository, and occasionally poetry, while still finding math second nature. He wavers between career choices, sometimes wondering about journalism, or being a pollster or statistician, or an engineer. He enjoys politics in a Carl Rove way, but he doesn’t engage in an emotional way. He read a large volume of articles and checked the stats every day of the midterm election season and could tell you who was running in each toss-up state for what race and what their chances were, and what scandals were brewing. He gauged the day to day chances of a Senate or House takeover and would tell me all about it; I majored in political science and, thankfully, although I never used the degree, I never lost interest. 

As a teacher does, I considered that a future president or other major leader might be in my class, so I shared bits of wisdom to shape the journey forward. Mainly, that politics shouldn’t be taken over by a we’re right/they’re wrong dynamic, but be a civic practice aimed at achieving balance in our republic, with the respective branches of government staying true to their charters. I told my future voters to read every quote from candidates before voting, looking for the one who serves God--not a faith borrowed in time for the election, but a true faith, because a leader needs strength most of all, and true strength doesn’t come from man, but from God. Man’s strength is borrowed, begged, or stolen, and always withers with enough pressure, but God’s strength is bestowed and then managed by God. And then, look for humility, because with that comes gratitude, and together they’re the foundation for a lot of other virtues. Also, that in the political process there is no room for bitterness, because ultimately, God is sovereign, and he gives and takes away power from man for purposes not known to us.

Paul still enjoys chess, gardening, baking, cooking, board games and card games with his sisters, going to local college football and basketball games with his dad and sometimes his brother, going to high school youth group, playing Christmas Carols and a few other songs on the piano, practicing basketball outside with a friend or his brother, but more often making baskets by himself to blow off steam. Paul is the quickest to offer help and sympathy when my day has been difficult; in short, he’s a giver, while still being able to compartmentalize stress and get necessary things done. He relies on the Lord for strength and hope.

Peter will be 17 in a couple weeks. He enjoys nature, many types of Christian music, fishing, and chess. His favorite school subject is history. In fact, he’s always detailing for me what he’s reading in history, expressing amazement at something from the past. He says he was born in the wrong era, except for the advancement of antibiotics and the abolishment of slavery (though we still have trafficking, he knows). A gentler time, when people honored God more, is his desire. His is a tender, very old soul.

Peter is unsure what he wants to be. Missionary work fits his gifting, as demonstrated by his work with his friends and at church, and he hasn’t given up on that idea, but his OCD obsessions obscure his real desires and he hasn’t taken control of his illness. I can’t help him beyond praying for him (we’ve done therapy). It’s harder for him to concentrate on his studies due to obsessions, but he’s a capable student and could do well in college, otherwise. Right now, he’s considering vocational work, which keeps his mind clearer. Entering a vocational high school might be a good idea for him next fall, so he can be employable right out of high school, while he matures and hopefully finds the inspiration to take control of his illness. Your prayers for him would be appreciated. Mental illness is heartbreaking and takes acceptance of/responsibility for the burden first, and then courage for the way forward.

Beth just turned 10 and had a rough year with her arthritis. She was doing so well in February that her doctor gradually took away one medicine at a time to see if she had grown out of her autoimmune disease (JIA). In June, the disease came back worse than before. She’s on three immunosuppressants right now. We’ll drop the prednisone in about five weeks, but the Orencia and methotrexate she’ll be on indefinitely.

Beth, like Paul, works very hard in school. She’s serious, but tenderhearted, always ready with a smile and hug. She loves writing and is always working on a story. The sentences come together naturally for her and she’s a good storyteller, even researching her settings online. She dreams of seeing her name on the cover of a book someday. She loves reading as well. It gets stressful around here, and Beth’s escape is to go outside, enjoying fresh air and God’s creation, which is a reminder of His presence and love. She loves studying different animals and learning about conservation, and enjoys hiking with Daddy in the summer, while the other children fish.

My husband and I will reach 20 years of marriage next July. We got married July 3, which means we almost always forget our anniversary. I will try to dissuade my children from getting married near a national holiday! The days have been long, but the years have passed by so quickly. I’m excited for my kids because they’re excited about becoming adults, but there are tears, too, when I remember all the little-kid times that have passed away. My husband, for his part, just wants his wife back. He’s still at his same two jobs working 55-60 hours and he keeps very busy as a father, taking the children individually on outings to speak love and value into their hearts. He’s a keeper! We are both growing old and not finding it easy, but God’s loving message of our worth helps, especially in our youth-obsessed culture. May God’s strength and blessing be with you all in 2019. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas Letter 2017

Dear Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We hope 2017 brought abundant blesses, new friends and more love into your lives.

We’ve had blessings and challenges in another whirlwind parenting year. Having four kids was a real physical challenge 9 years ago when Beth was born; I had four kids ages 7 and under. I’m not sure which is more challenging—that phase or having two teens and two tweens and being emotionally wrecked. Someone once told me you don’t get any more sleep when they’re older because they need to talk…a lot. We have some of those heart to hearts during the school day, thankfully, but yeah--parenting isn’t for sleep lovers.

Peter turns 16 January 11^th; Paul is 14; Mary is 11; Beth is 9. I’ll fill you in on what we’ve been doing collectively and then tell you a little about each child. Homeschooling eats up traveling money, but this year we did, with husband’s sister’s help, make it over to Lemar, Pennsylvania for the 4th of July to see my husband’s aunt and uncle, with his sister meeting us there. Adding our four to their cousin's grandkids, there were eight children in all, making it a blast getting reacquainted with my husband's family. We’re praying we can take the drive more often. Aunt Dot took us to see her delightful Amish friends, where a large litter of puppies and kittens greeted us. Every child’s dream! Peter and I talked farming with the homesteader while Mary and Paul took pictures of the animals, later entering them in a library photo contest and winning $75 between them, with Mary taking the first prize!

We’ve continued with the AWANA program this year, which runs from September until early May. Peter is in his second year of helping in the preschool class, and Miss Jill, the teacher, loves him. He’s gaining valuable experience in how to control a group of squirrelly kids by staying a few steps ahead of them, and he delights in the funny things they say and do. Peter has always appreciated children—it’s an unmistakable love that comes from a person’s core and causes the spirit to lighten whenever children are near.

Paul is in his last year of the AWANA Trek club (grades 6-8); Mary is in her last year of the Truth and Training club (grades 3-5), and Beth is in her first year of Truth and Training. I help with the middle schoolers, which uniquely connects me to what kids are going through in the public schools as the kids share their prayer requests and their trials and triumphs. I still love working with kids of any age really. This experience, though, helps confirm that homeschooling is still the right choice for each of our children going forward, although for a time we were considering putting Peter in a career vocational high school for his last two years, partially because his OCD gives him so little peace and working helps with that. We’ve all decided against that approach, however.

All four children work with me as door greeters at church, which is part of a push to have whole families serving together as much as possible; my husband works the information booth between services. The elderly people especially enjoy my girls opening the door for them, and will ask where they are when it’s the boys’ turn. If you have a picture in your mind of my girls standing there like model citizens, smiles awaiting, erase that picture. Beth twirls around like a graceful ballerina and Mary looks for bugs in the flowerbeds while they wait for people to arrive. I often have to cue them that someone is coming. Sometimes the overly heavy door gets in the way of remembering to smile, but still, they charm the socks off the cheerful people. And the grumpy people? After six months of door greeting and seeing the same families/people continually, I’ve decided that grumpy people probably don’t know another way to live. They’re the people who harbor irritation over the whole concept of door greeting.

Who knew how telling this job would be! The most joy-filled people who come through my door? They’re the kids and parents of kids ages birth through 12 years…and the more kids in the family the happier they are. Society sells lies about kids—they’re too expensive, they’ll make you slaves, you’ll lose your identity, you’ll have no retirement—and for the first time ever, Americans are having less than 2 children per family. That’s a lot less joy all around. According to statistics, I predict that quality of life and health will suffer in the long term.

This school year has the boys immersed in Spanish 1, Classical Literature and Composition, History of the Christian Church/Medieval History, Geometry/Algebra II (Paul), Algebra I/Geo (Peter), Biology with Lab, Career & College Readiness. In high school my lab partner (who I might have had a crush on) did most of the dissecting and this year my husband (who after eighteen years I sometimes still crush on) will be supervising the dissecting. Our literature class, always my favorite, encompasses some poetry, Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre, The Merry Adventures of Robinhood, a biography of Pontius Pilate, Pilgrim’s Progress in Today’s English, Robinson Crusoe, A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, Pride and Prejudice, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Twelfth Night, The Screwtape Letters, and ten other less famous works.

The girls, also taught together, are finishing a long (2.5 years) study of American history. In March they’ll begin a yearlong study on Eastern Hemisphere literature and history, followed by two years of world history.

Last Spring we used Wednesdays for a Homeschool Co-op, but in the teen years mental illnesses often worsen. This fall we declined Co-op to concentrate on seeing a counselor for Peter’s OCD, ADHD, and new disorder developed in March, called Trichotillomania, which is a subset of OCD (a hair pulling disorder). By June, Peter didn’t have many eyebrows left and was pulling out his eyelashes and through the summer was working on small bald spots in his head. Mary’s had a storm phobia for a number of years and this year, instead of improving, it worsened. She started seeing a counselor in August, and Peter in September, after being on a waiting list for a few months.

When we found these two counselors, I thought things would improve for us. Maybe Peter’s counselor could at least help with ADHD life coaching and the hair pulling, I surmised (OCD therapists are $100+ an hour). I’d become stressed and worried about so many things, including suicide because anxiety is extremely draining and kids don’t tolerate it as well as adults, which our culture doesn’t understand; I knew I had to keep a very close eye on them. Mary’s counselor, although pleasant, planned things that were more appropriate for a younger child. Mary didn’t improve and claims she got nothing out of it.

And Peter? I sat in on those meetings per the counselor’s request. I got an upfront view of the process, which was not the case with Mary. The counselor ending up knowing less than I did about some of Peter’s issues and had nothing to add, other than to ask Peter each week what worked when he experienced this or that symptom. He then wrote the things Peter narrated on a notecard and sent it home with Peter. He didn’t teach. As an educator, that irritated me. If you really want to help people with emotional disorders, you want to teach them about the mind, don’t you? How is your mind tricking you? What must you do to counter it so you can go on with your life?

Now, Peter still does therapy, but at home with me and Mary and Paul. They’re learning that anxiety is nothing more than your brain telling you lies. And their job? To practice catching the lies and replacing them with truth.

I watch them closely and no one is ever left home alone, but I’m learning to give them over to the Lord, knowing he has every hour of their lives planned according to his purposes, and that I can’t save anyone. The best parental move is not healing your own children, but introducing them to the Healer. We replace the lies in the brain with His truth…that he loves us with a perfect love, that we are worthy because he gave us our worth, that he is mighty to save, that he doesn’t make mistakes, that he is working all things according to the good of those who love him. I can see the peace in my children now after one of our counseling sessions, which marry Christian counseling with what man has learned about the mind. Biblical counseling sites provide storehouses of valuable materials for free online. While I provide sound advice for their souls and minds, it’s still up to them to make choices for themselves going forward. Ultimately, for my own peace, I have to remove myself from their choices and keep on praying. Wellness from emotional disorders is always a choice—it’s a daily choice, a fighting choice, but still a choice. Anxiety takes many victims and I choose hope. I have warned them of the pitfalls—that people will tell you, take this or that to relax--that America has an addiction crisis primarily because of untreated anxiety and don’t ever say yes to artificial relaxation. Go to the Prince of Peace.

Beth, at 9, is very loving and affectionate. Just this morning she declared she’ll be a librarian or a teacher. While skilled at writing, she says it’s not her favorite. She enjoys dancing, reading, drawing, stuffed animals, swinging at parks, hiking, talking to her friend Isabelle on the phone, and playing make believe with her sister, who only sometimes obliges now that she’s eleven. What stands out about Beth every morning is that she starts school immediately, even before breakfast, and stays focused until she’s done. I asked for a new rheumatologist for her several months ago—a young doctor from Turkey who is fabulous. Previously on three drugs for her rheumatoid arthritis, she is now on only one (Orencia administered via IV once a month) and so far, there are no problems associated with dropping the other two. She requested a guinea pig for Christmas and Daddy compromised with a hamster, who will be joining our family shortly—one just like her sister’s long-haired Syrian hamster.

Mary, at 11, became a real bookworm this year. She enjoys reading, hiking, inventing new things using motors from discarded toys (pleads with Daddy to take her to the junkyard for raw materials for her inventions), and caring for her hamster. Fishing has become a real summer highlight for her! The children go fishing with Daddy (who hates fishing but likes birding) nearly every weekend in late spring through the fall. Sometimes Paul stays with me, but often he goes fishing; Mary always catches the most fish. Mary’s an able athlete and fierce competitor in sports and in board games with her siblings. The boys are heavily into chess and she goes to a chess club with them once a month, just starting to improve her game.

Mary’s greatest storm fear is that the roof will blow off the house and she’ll die. Every bad storm or threat of a storm is like the last day of her life; it’s a huge weight to carry and distraction is all that works at the present time. The hardest thing is if I’m on a grocery run and a storm brews up, my husband calls me to calm down what looks like a panic attack starting in her. The breathing exercises work, but she needs to learn to do them solo; Peter is good at working with her if we’re driving and a storm brews.

Paul loves chess, attending and following our local university's basketball and football games with his dad (who often gets free tickets), playing basketball in the driveway, attending youth group and AWANA, math, cooking and baking, playing Christmas songs on the piano (for fun; he doesn’t take lessons), and somehow he enjoys taking practice SAT tests wherever he can find them. He wants to do something with engineering someday. Paul and I are partners in trying to stay sane around here; he encourages my heart and always has something nice to say, even though he has struggles of his own. I’m careful to remind Paul that God’s got my back. It’s easy to feel like a huge failure when you have kids with mental disorders. I have to drown out a lot of noise to hear the truth…that God loves me, that I am not a failure as a mother, that God has a purpose for our struggles, a purpose bigger than we are, a purpose that will bring Him glory and our hearts closer to Him.

I think of Martin Luther, Father of the Reformation, who suffered from OCD, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder, none of which God healed. No one knew about OCD (he had the same type as Peter) or Bipolar in the 1500’s (Luther was accused of a lot of things due to his peculiar behaviors). God used him mightily, flawed, sinful man that he was. He was no hero, just God’s instrument. The OCD that tortured him from an early age? It was the catalyst for his rebellion against a saved-by-works heresy, against indulgences and a rich Church that used poor believers mercilessly. The big picture was that God wanted the Bible in every home and Luther was the man he chose to do it—though it was the Church’s greatest fear: that the common people would know Truth. The Bible, which Luther took ten years to translate into the common language, then became the catalyst for literacy. God loves us perfectly, scandalously, yes, but we exist for his glory and that’s a hard concept when you just want your healing prayers answered so you can live comfortably. Living joyfully as God’s instrument is a desire the Holy Spirit grows in us over time.

Peter loves fishing and chess equally—one to occupy summer and the other, winter. He enjoys fixing things and career assessments point to technician, or agricultural worker, etc. He’s had his own lawn-mowing business since age 13, now working with five neighbors. He keeps a used lawn mower going, ordering and paying for his own parts. Farming is something he keeps coming back to in terms of career, but it’s hard to say what he’ll choose. Ohio State offers two-year agricultural degrees, which is a current goal, with the aim of working toward owning his own farm.

I've been absent a long time from this blog, and I haven't read any blogs, but I've thought of you and I've wanted to get back here. I just lost my voice, so to speak. I wish you and your family a blessed 2018! 

Merry Christmas!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

The Real Reason for Discouragement

After a particularly hard week with too little sleep and too much turmoil, I had nothing left.

Just. nothing.

Most days I'd gone to bed utterly discouraged, feeling guilty that as a parent and wife, I was out of patience and ideas and grace. The stresses of my son's mental illness depleted my hope for the future, or even for the next day. Aggravating it was my sleep deprivation, hormones, and financial stress. Just like everyone else, I had multiple problems.

Pining for heaven, I understood once again what it meant to be broken. It's hard to grasp, isn't it, that the Lord wants us broken? Christianity can be a pretty hard sell.

Hey everyone...become a Christian so you can identify with Jesus' suffering in your daily life. Grace is a beautiful Christian word, but can suffering be beautiful? When witnessing to people we leave that detail out in favor of the enticing parts, like peace and joy and hope.

I became a Christian at age 31, but it wasn't until I lost my first child at 20 weeks gestation that brokenness entered my consciousness  I was 34 and it was the first time I'd wanted the Lord to take me home.

Three of my children tell me they don't want to go to heaven yet; they want to grow up and have families. Already they understand that the best part of an earthly life is loving and being loved, in the context of family. They know intellectually that heaven is better than marriage and kids, but they still can't imagine foregoing these perks of being human.

Peter alone perhaps, due to his OCD, knows what brokenness feels like. Inasmuch as his condition is a tragedy, understanding brokenness at an early age is a gift. It clarifies early that it's not about us. We aren't supposed to wake up each day expecting a smooth transition through the hours. We can't jump from one self-indulging ritual after another, expecting low resistance to our selfishness.

Instead, each day begs for self-denial. Joy does exist in self-denial, in following Christ, in embracing the messiness of life, but it's not a worldly joy.

John 14:27 tells us: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I would have to describe the peace He gives as the best kind of fellowship we can ever experience. The peace He gives is a taste of heavenly joy. Peace is to be filled with His love. Family love is wholly insufficient for our souls. It will always leave us wanting, searching. Though beautiful and a gift from God, a healthy family can't be all that we hope for or pursue.

Our souls crave Him. He conceived and designed our souls and only He can fill them.

The Holy Spirit reminded me this week that my exhaustion and emptiness weren't actually because of OCD or ADHD or hormones or sleep deprivation or economic insufficiency, although they certainly made a compelling argument and defense.

The real source was too little time with Peace the Person...with the Lord my God, who promises to quiet me by his love.

I went to the Lord and read about his truth, his love, his faithfulness, his majesty, his grace, his love...and I was filled to overflowing, ready to dig deep for the patience, grace and love my family and community need from me. We give to others out of the abundance we receive from the Lord. If you're empty, it's because you're not filled. It's obvious, but also easy to forget.

These three gifts--peace, joy, hope--are not a mirage or a sham, but neither are they automatic.

Christ died for us so we could have life--so He could enjoy relationship with us. Believing on Him is our ticket to heaven, but not necessarily our ticket to peace, joy, and hope. Those come from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ--a relationship that is ongoing. They come from bathing in His Word, from crying out to Him in prayer, from worshiping him through song and from a quiet and receptive heart.

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

A Quiet Spirit Talk...And What's Been Going On

Hello Internet of Long Lost Friends. I hope you have been well. Here's what's been going on...

~ We go to homeschool Co-op every Wednesday now. My four kids take 5 classes each (i.e. drama, choir, art, PE, Home Ec, Math is Fun, Creative Creations), while Chase (the 3-year-old boy I babysit) and me sit with other preschool moms and play and talk. I help in one class and will most likely be asked to teach something next semester. My kids are over the moon excited about Co-op, and Mary has made a precious friend already (a friend of every mother's dreams, literally. The young lady is a true treasure).

Most of the Co-Op families have 3 to 5 kids each, so it's quite a large group.

~ Yes, I still babysit. Chase will be four in November. We also had his 5-year-old sister until she started kindergarten last month. Things are a little easier around here with only one daycare child, but with Co-op and AWANA both on Wednesdays, the weeks can still feel like marathons.

~ I'm 50-and-a half-years old, and I hate being the oldest mom everywhere I go. Currently more women in their forties are having babies than women in their twenties, but that doesn't seem to be happening in my area.

Other yucky aging news...The hot flashes, which had only come and gone for short periods before, have now been with me about six weeks. Some days I'm intensely frustrated and I don't know how I'll handle the hotness for another day. I'm afraid winter won't make a difference with this kind of heat. About 85% of women get hot flashes in the year or so after menopause; only about 45% of women get them prior to menopause, in the period called perimenopause. I'm one of the lucky 45% getting them in perimenopause. Does this mean I'll have fewer of them later? Here's hoping.

I take two showers a day now, but the relief they provide is short-lived. Another hot flash (intense heat, not just a little warmth) inevitably comes within an hour of my last shower. I have to stop whatever I'm doing and go stand in front of a large fan for 3 minutes, 10 to 15 times a day. Sometimes I sleep on the couch with the fan next to me, although I have fewer hot flashes at night.

This has changed my life enough that thinking about blogging usually seems like too much trouble, even though I miss the intellectual part of it and the interacting part. I'm kicking around the idea of a Twitter account, because you write in smaller chunks and you can have private conversations, versus interacting through blog comments which are public. Anyone on Twitter that reads here?

~ Mary still has her anxiety about the weather, and Peter still has fairly serious OCD--the weight of which also make blogging seem like too much trouble. I feel like I have nothing positive to share, so why burden people with my whining? Some stages of life you have something to share, and other stages are for hankering down and trying to run the race with as much grace as you can muster.

~ 1 Peter 3:4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Our pastor is doing a serious on marriage and went over this passage last weekend. He reminded us women that this doesn't mean we have to refrain from talking much. We don't need to change our personality to live up to this. It isn't about whether we're shy or gregarious, whether we're witty or the life of the party, or quiet and mousy.

Rather, it's about an inner stillness--a lack of inner turmoil. It's a gentleness, and a sureness that everything is going to be okay. It's a calmness, more than a quietness, though it's true that if your inner spirit isn't ruffled, you won't shout or argue or complain or speak harshly. So, yes, maybe you'll talk less as your inner spirit quiets.

Our Bible time and prayer can accomplish this calming of spirit, but we can't forget taking the time to just be quiet before the Lord also. A busy mom may carve out 30 minutes a day a few times a week for devotions, but she'll probably find it isn't enough. Try turning off the radio, the TV, the devices, and go to a quiet room to just sit and listen to anything the Holy Spirit sends your way.

He'll say things like....you put that pressure on yourself...it wasn't from Me...focus on the Kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you as well...give your children's futures over to me...give the health of your marriage over to me...come to me all you women who are heavy laden...I will quiet you with my Love.

So, what do you think? Is your spirit ruffled? What are you doing to quiet it? What is the source of the ruffling?

Often, it's Satan, you know. He is our accuser. He is the master of distraction and confusion. Most ruffling comes directly from his playbook.

I am learning. Live one day at a time. Hardest. Life. Lesson. Ever.

My gracious Lord holds it all, and he wants me to rejoice in the day he has made. Today. He gives me today, with no guarantee of tomorrow. Therefore, I offer Him my day, my hours, my minutes, holding the outcome loosely, not questioning Him about tomorrow.

When I regard each day as an offering back to Him, suddenly, the hot flashes and the kids' anxiety and the burden of having to babysit (though I love little Chase dearly) all become insignificant. They only carry the weight I assign them. They feel heavy only when I make them my focus. It's like Peter walking on water brilliantly, until he took his eyes off the Prize. I'm not supposed to focus on the details of my life, except when I'm expressing gratitude for them.

The gentle and quiet spirit? It comes from shifting your focus, your gaze, onto the person of Jesus Christ.

I'm a Beggar

The longer I live, the more readily I say...life is hard.

But before you click out of this and say.."Forget it, I need something encouraging, not a downer"..let me also add that as bad as things get sometimes, I can always say and really mean..."God is good. He is always good."

We were already completely overwhelmed by Peter's moderate-to-severe OCD, and now my 9-year-old daughter, Mary, is getting worse. She imagines she smells gas daily and is worried about the house blowing up. Any smell, whether good or bad, increases her anxiety. She does rituals, like breathing into her pillow or her jacket sleeve, with the hope of staying alive through the "gas" leak. These rituals point toward OCD, not just your garden-variety anxiety. She also worries about the dates on foods and doesn't eat with the same freedom as before. Both of these issues--chemical contaminants and food spoilage or food contaminants--are common OCD themes.

Just when I thought the stress couldn't get any worse, it did. And just when I thought I couldn't take another day of this life, God showed me how beautiful life is, once again.

In our humanity, we look for bright outcomes. We covet the story about the boy with severe OCD who was chained to his house by his fears, who then went on to lead a completely normal, spiritually productive life, managing the OCD like a champ.

Or we covet the story of a child with a serious physical handicap who healed in adolescence, and went on to adulthood to treat children with chronic medical conditions, with the same kindness she received as a child.

We want these bright and glorious outcomes, and we pray for them over and over. We should pray thus, and with faith. 

But there's also the submission factor involved in the Christian walk. We have to be okay with whatever outcomes God chooses. His vision is not our vision, though we become more Christ-like every time we choose to submit our lives to His will.

There are a lot of things that feel impossible about my life right now. I feel too weak and sinful for the tasks set before me. But my pride and my own agenda weaken more all the time. The impossibility of solving anything on my own necessarily makes me a beggar. A grateful beggar.

Lord, I put my children and my marriage into your hands. I let go of my own agenda. I submit my will to yours and ask that you make us not more successful, but more godly.

In your precious name I pray, Amen.

Verses for Strength:

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

1 Samuel 30:6 And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.

1 Peter 4:11 whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Blogging as Therapy

There's never time enough, it seems, for a mother to take care of her own needs. Blogging (journaling) is a form of therapy for me, but it crossed my mind over the years that maybe if I blogged less, the house would be cleaner and I would be more organized and stay organized. Not to mention, get more sleep, since most of my blogging is a late-night event. I wondered...if the house was cleaner and I was more organized, and well-rested, would there be less stress around here?

Well, no.

The last ten days--ten days of no blogging--have been extremely stressful, though not without blessings. My son Peter's moderate-to-severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has us in survival mode. A cluttered house is so. not. the. problem.

Ten days is the longest I've gone without blogging since my first blog post on December 16, 2007. I started on another blog with our real names, and switched to this anonymous blog after two years.

Why is blogging so therapeutic?

The answer for me is that as I write, my jumbled thoughts line up in a neat row and clarity comes to me. The Holy Spirit's teachings then penetrate my heart better.

Some of you know that I cut off contact with my functioning alcoholic mother nearly two years ago, and after that I learned about the set of characteristics common to ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). Any adult who grew up with a toxic parent would share at least some of these characteristics (listed below), whether alcohol or drugs were involved or not.

Adult Children:

...guess at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (I think this particular characteristic is more seen in severe alcoholism with abuse present as well. A couple neighbor children here display this compulsive lying. It's surmised that these children can't handle the truth of their situations, so they make things up to create a better story. If this persists over time, they lose the ability to easily discern what is lie and what is reality, and they have a harder time managing lies because they've told so many.)

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

I regularly feel the pain of several or more of these characteristics. And unfortunately, the more I realize how crippled I am by these, the more I hate my mother's choices and how they affected me and my brother and sister. Forgiveness is so not a one-time event. The only way I can keep praying for and forgiving my mother and step-father is to imagine them as babies and toddlers, unaffected by dysfunction and unable to inflict pain. Their combined choices were very, very costly for me and my siblings.

While I didn't become or marry an addict, as some adult children do, I did marry someone who I felt needed rescuing (classic codependency). I do love my husband and am committed to a life-long marriage, but that doesn't mean I got into this for the right reasons. We are low-income because of my dysfunctional choice. My children suffer because of my dysfunctional choice. I suffer because of it. God in his graciousness, however, had me stay single until I both became, and met, a Christian. That my husband is a Christian is an act of incredible grace toward me and my children. 

An elderly, mostly house-bound neighbor came over to use the phone last week. He said he watches my children play in the front yard and he can't believe how happy they seem. It's true, not just a kind comment. They are happy. Not all the time, due in large part to inherited anxiety disorders, but they know how to have fun. They are not growing up in a dysfunctional home, which is tremendous progress for my family line.

Our friend Dean, over for dinner to do more drywall for us, stayed for family prayer and said in his prayers that our house is full of love. Having bipolar himself, he knows something of the angst inherent in mental disorders. He knows our struggles, but he still thinks this house is full of love.

That comment, too, reminded me of the enormity of God's grace in my life. A house full of love? What could be better?

What's missing is an acceptance of self. Call it self-love, if you will. I'm a grateful person, not inclined to focus on the negative, except when it comes to me, personally. I give myself so little grace.

As a Christian, it's necessary to realize that God doesn't erase consequences of sin. He showers us with grace, but the final fix comes in heaven. That doesn't mean that our dysfunctional starts have to define us, however. When it comes to healing our personal wounds, it doesn't matter so much why we're in pain, really. It usually isn't helpful to lie on some couch and talk about the past. Cognitive behavioral therapy is all about changing thinking and behavior. 

Therapy is helpful in identifying the cognitive distortions involved in personal pain. Going forward, when I feel pain and turmoil, I'll look at this list and try to identify what distortion matches my current thinking, and try to emerge from its oppression.

Here are the most common distortions therapists see in their practices, and if you've ever experienced anxiety or depression, you probably have some of these distortions going on, though depression can be strongly chemically based as well.

I hope something on this list helps you. My son Peter and I have both found them helpful. They aren't anything like the Holy Spirit's influence, but I think psychology can certainly complement Christian teaching. It just can't replace it or overshadow it.

The Lord saved me, and he introduced me to true love. I am rich with love. Now, if only I could show kindness to myself.

All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

Be a 24-Hour Christian

James 4:13-16 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.

So many times when things have been tough in my life, I've wondered deep inside: "How will I get through this?"

I'm stronger now in middle age than ever before, but I'm still often drained by the effects of the sin curse and everyday problems.

"How will I get through another school year with Peter's OCD? How will he?

"How will I get through another year of perimenopause, with the hot flushes in earnest now and the headaches worse than ever?"

"How will I make the tithe next week?

How will we afford private colleges costing $45,000 a year?

What if the major drugs Beth is taking for her arthritis lead to cancer or infertility?

How will I get through that speech, that test, that appointment?

How will I keep up with the homeschooling and the house? 

You often hear people say that God spoke to them. God told me to do this or that. It's hard not to feel skeptical about such statements, but once in a while, I really do feel God speak to me directly.

Today was one of those times, during church in fact.

Peter often cries quietly in church (and during devotions) because anything spiritual triggers his OCD. I can't tell you how hard and hurtful it is to see these tears, knowing how much my son loves the Lord. His type of OCD is called scrupulosity and it's centered around thoughts of sin and Satan--fears and thoughts that he loves Satan rather than God, or that he is going to turn to a life of sin. The thoughts and fears are so powerful that even though they don't make sense and aren't consistent with who he is, he has a hard time dismissing them.

Mind you, these are all very typical OCD thoughts. For hundreds of years other OCD sufferers have had the exact same thoughts and for a time, before OCD was better understood, this particular manifestation of it was termed religious melancholy.

I've counseled Peter many times that it isn't the thoughts that make him ill. It's his reaction to them.

The same can be said of all of us. It isn't our hardships that make life so challenging. It's our reaction to them.

Peter and I tiptoed out of service, so I could calm him down before his youth class started, scheduled right after service. When I counsel him, I don't reassure him about the specific thoughts, because that makes the condition worse. Families, unknowingly, make OCD worse by participating in their children's rituals, which only perpetuates the harmful cycle.

Instead, I reminded him that: Yes, this disorder is cruel and excruciatingly hard, but he needed to remember that we are on this earth just a nano second, and then Paradise begins and never ends. We don't know why God allows babies to be born who can't speak, hear, walk, roll over, or eat. We don't know why he allows children to be in drug-addicted homes, or children the world over to be abused and left for dead.

It is endless, the appalling things God doesn't stop on this earth. We can't comprehend how God can be loving, and yet so willing to allow excruciating pain. We blame him for not making the world a kinder, gentler place.

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, blamed God, essentially, for creating the serpent who deceived her. And Adam? Didn't he blame the woman God gave to him--so in essence he blamed God, too?

But God is not responsible for the sin curse. Our free will is. He decided to punish us, but we decided to sin. Indeed, we wouldn't have done any better in the Garden of Eden than Eve or Adam did. They truly represent us, in all our childish, sinful ways.

God is only asking you, Peter, to endure this OCD for a nano second, compared to the plans he has for you in Paradise. That's how he can allow such pain in your life, or in anyone's life. He knows the magnitude of your joy in Heaven, compared to your trials here on earth.

Your OCD, I told him, will not always be this bad. Through God's grace, you will learn to accept the thoughts and not fight them or panic over them. Your nervous system will cease it's fight or flight reaction every time an awful but senseless thought occurs in your brain, and the cycle will be broken. You will feel free again, though there's no cure on earth. Eventually, the thoughts, in times of stress, may still appear, but will become faint background noise you can ignore.

The same is true for us. The longer we live, the less we will despair over our trials. The longer we live, the greater the grace we'll be willing to extend to others. The longer we live, the more we'll be willing to say: To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Peter, listening to me intently, told me he realizes more every day that he was created to do mission work. His heart leaps for joy over the prospect of mission work, and he fears his OCD will mess that up.

24 hours, I told him. Just live the next 24 hours, and let God handle tomorrow.

God clearly told me today: Life is a 24-hour endeavor. He also said his manna is given on a daily basis for a reason. The future doesn't belong to us, but to Him. It is His. We are His. Tomorrow is not ours to plan or worry about.

For the next 24 hours, just love me, He asks. That's all you have to do. Surrender unto me your agenda, your hopes and dreams, your troubles and worries, and even your pain. I will give you everything you need to live the next 24 hours, freeing you up to just love me and delight in me, as I delight in you.

Every 24 hours is an opportunity for another heart to say yes to the Cross. That's the Lord's agenda every day, every hour. That's why he tarries. That's why the sin curse and suffering haven't ended yet, and Paradise hasn't begun yet for the Christian.

God assures us we have food for today, strength for today, joy for today, grace for today.

And about the future? What does God tell us about the future, specifically? Reading all these verses below, we can begin to comprehend the heart of God regarding the future.

When tomorrow is no longer thought of as yours, but His, today becomes all the sweeter for it.

Psalm 40:5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Luke 12:32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

John 15:1-5 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ...

Suffering and Surrender

My special-needs son put a huge hole in his wall today because OCD made him frustrated and angry and he just didn't know what to do with his angst.

Though he possesses expert knowledge about how to handle OCD thoughts--he could teach a class on it, in fact--he isn't ready to heed his own advice. The thoughts are too strong and controlling and scary and it just seem easier to do the rituals (not that holes in the wall are a ritual--that was anger at his plight in life).

The rituals, if continued, get worse and they steal away every moment, until there's no life left. Just pain.

It's like the self-aware drug addicts who know quitting will involve a long, painful withdrawal process, so they put it off. It just seems impossible to muster up the courage.

Only those with OCD can understand, and the rest of us just scratch our heads.

You mean you drove around the block ten times, looking for someone you ran over, even though you know you really didn't run anyone over? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you were an hour late to your next class because you washed your hands over and over in the student bathroom, in tears the whole time, knowing they weren't really dirty? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you can't go near children because you are afraid you are a pedophile, even though the whole idea is repulsive and evil to you, and you know you would never act in such a way? Or you won't go near the same sex because you are afraid you are gay, even though you are not attracted to the same sex, and you know deep down you are not gay? Yes...but I don't feel sure.

Yes, OCD sufferers do all these things and more (though my son doesn't have any of these obsessions, yet, and perhaps won't ever. But they are among the most common). OCD people are of average or above-average intelligence, and very sensitive, kind, gentle people. The things they find most repulsive or disturbing become their obsessions. It's a horrid, cruel brain disorder.

None of it makes one iota of sense and they know it, but they can't stop avoiding, or ritualizing, or going over and over things in their heads (ruminating is done instead of rituals, for some sufferers--called Pure-O OCD, meaning pure obsession, but no compulsions).

OCD is a disease of uncertainty. They can't handle any uncertainty and the battle to be sure of something becomes their downfall.

They have to learn to say..."Well, maybe I did run someone over. So what?"

"Maybe I really do love Satan..so what?"

"Maybe one of Satan's angels really is coming at me...so what?"

"Maybe I really will stab my husband with a knife...so what?"

"Maybe I really am gay,..so what?"

"Maybe I really am going to die (or throw up) (or a family member is going to die) from germs on my hands...so what?"

"Maybe I really did leave the burner on and the house is going to blow up...so what?"

They have to neutralize the thoughts so they can stop reacting to them, but even thinking of these neutralizing sentences fills them with horror and shame. They can't bring themselves to do it, so they get worse and keep reacting with flight or fight mode. Medication sometimes, for some of them, makes the thoughts less powerful, so they can begin to think about their therapy techniques.

In adolescence, when fear is very hard to fight for hormonal reasons, therapy is difficult at best.

Sufferers have to accept that there is a buzzing bee (bad thoughts) in the room with them. Accept is good, to fight or run or panic is bad. 

"The bad thought doesn't have anything to do with who I am. It's just a brain glitch."

While this statement sounds easy to us, it's terribly difficult for them to believe...even though they know it's true.

There is no cure for OCD and even when the vicious cycle gets broken, and they are leading normal lives again, there will always be, in times of stress, buzzing bees in the room that they have to continue to ignore to stay well. The minute they give in and do a ritual, they're possibly in trouble again.

Experts did a study and found that all people have similar thoughts occasionally, but our normal brains know right away to file the thoughts away as nonsense. We don't react to nonsense thoughts.

But the OCD sufferers? The thought-filter in their brain doesn't work. The thoughts come in with a DANGER sign..an ALERT sign. Their body reacts in flight or fight mode, with high adrenaline and fear, which are so powerful their brain compels them to do a crazy ritual, that for some reason temporarily decreases the anxiety. But the more rituals they do, the less the rituals work to decrease anxiety, and then a full-blown life-crisis exists. They can't fulfill their responsibilities on time or with ease because their rituals eat up the day and drive them insane.

Right now there is nothing I can do except pray and continue to counsel, until God see fit to heal my son or give him the courage he needs to absorb the discomfort of not doing a ritual, long enough to stop the chain reaction--obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief. Obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief.

Absorbing discomfort and pain is hard.

When I get a migraine, I take something for it because if I don't, I eventually have to lie very still in a dark room with no noise or interaction, and at some point I usually vomit, too.

What the OCD sufferer has to do to get better is stop taking the "medicine", so to speak (stop doing the ritual that temporarily relieves the anxiety). They have to, in essence, allow the throbbing headache and nausea to come, unhindered. They have to suffer to get better...and who wants to suffer? It's human nature to run kicking and screaming away from suffering.

God allows life to break us and that is so hard to fathom, isn't it? If you're broken, you know you're ready for heaven. Your mindset has ceased to be on earthly things and you just want to go Home.

Peter, husband, and I? We just want to see Jesus. The rest of the family isn't broken...yet. They have big plans.

And plans are good, but we can't ever assume we accomplish anything through our own intelligence or our own strength. The minute we gloat, God takes us down a peg or two. He allows suffering to refine us. To humble us. He works for our good, even when life seems like a big disaster.

I have to go to an AWANA meeting this Wednesday to become a Cubbies (preschool) leader. Oh, I tried to get out of it at first, but I prayed about it and then told the director that if she didn't get another Cubbies leader during the summer, than I would do it. I will be among three Cubbies leaders in a large class, taking turns with the various duties.

Do you know what I hoped? That God would realize my son's disorders are too taxing on me and my family, and that someone else could surely do it instead.

But God didn't agree. It's me who loves preschoolers, and me who loves teaching God's word.

If God wants me to work for Him with vigor and cheerfulness, why does he allow such sorrow in my life? I feel too weak and sorrowful today to even make that meeting, much less show up and do a good job at Cubbies on September 2nd.

Do you wonder these things, too? Do you want to crawl under a barrel and let everyone else--the ones with normal lives--do all the work for God?

Let me tell you a secret.

Surrender it all to God. Hopes, dreams, plans, ego, pride...the right to stay home and wallow.

And just show up.

Every single day, no matter how hard your trials are, just show up.

Show up to hug your boy--even though he's made you a wreck--to say you're so terribly sorry he's suffering, and that you'll be praying for him all day, and that Jesus loves him, and that he is fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who knows every hair on his head.

Realize that it's the sin curse you're battling, not your son or daughter. 

If the problem is with your marriage, realize it's the sin curse you're battling, not your spouse.

God doesn't ask us to carry our own burdens. We attempt to carry them all the time, but it's sin--it's not obedience to his will.

If we show up, he is faithful to teach the Cubbies through us.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us the gentleness and patience we need to work with a sick or troubled child.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us a listening, quiet spirit to win our husband's love.

He will walk us through our hardest parenting days...our hardest marriage days...our hardest personal suffering days.

We don't have any answers--but he has them all. We don't have any insight--but he has it all planned out. We don't have any stamina or strength--but he's omnipotent and omniscient. 

Omnipotence means God is all-powerful. He has supreme power and no limitations. Omniscience means God is all-knowing. He knows everything--past, present, and future. There is nothing about which he's unaware.

So take that huge load off your back...whatever it is. Let your Heavenly Father soothe you and quiet you by his love. You don't have to understand. You just have to get filled up (prayer, Bible, worship), and show up, ready to be used for his glory. 

The more broken we are, the more desperately and humbly we go for our filling. The more filled we are, the more eagerly we show up to let him shine...knowing full well that on our own, we are nothing.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

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Fear Not

It's time for a Christian lesson on fear and anxiety, for my son Peter's OCD is so severe he can't get through his daily responsibilities, though as a testament to God's power, Peter still manages to be concerned with the neighbor children's salvation. God can work through any circumstances. Whatever infirmities and disorders we have, he can still use us. Hallelujah!

I urge you, if you are paralyzed by fear of any type, to list all your cares and them meditate on the verses below. When you are done with these verses, click here to see more.

My fears are:

~ that Peter has a treatment-resistant type of OCD;

~ that he won't be able to work;

~ that he won't be able to marry and have children, which is something he dearly hopes for;

~that he won't be able to finish high school on time, since it takes him 3 hours to do a whole math lesson due to the concentration involved, complicated by nearly non-stop rituals. I break up the lessons as much as I can;

~ that even if I could get him into a residential treatment program, he isn't ready to give it his all. Adolescence is a difficult time for battling fear and some patients are better able to tackle OCD in their twenties.

~that he won't be able to finish any exams and will flunk, even if he does get to college or vocational school;

~ that he will get so exasperated with the religious rituals, it will cause him to turn from the Lord's fellowship--for it already makes it difficult for him to pray and read the Bible. His grandfather, age 92 and similarly affected, does not pray or read his Bible anymore due to the stress of the rituals, and he isn't even aware of his disordered condition.

It's very difficult to homeschool students with disabilities, but I know the right direction and focus for me, as mom and teacher. It's a hard road requiring an unwavering faith, which requires an unwavering commitment to the Scriptures and to personal and corporate prayer.

When spirits need reviving, it's time to bathe in every Scripture we can find on fear and anxiety. I pray these will help you with whatever affliction you may suffer, for one thing is sure--we are all suffering in some respect:

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-10 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Isaiah 35:4 Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Psalm 27:1 Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Romans 8:31-39 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Psalm 55:22-23 Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

Joy in the Morning

We have various neighbors in love with fireworks and so last night they started with the booms, keeping them going until past 11:00 PM. This happens every year, for a couple days before the 4th and a couple days after, with last night being the most prolific night on record.

At least one of my four children has been afraid of firework booms in the ten years we've lived here, so we rarely sleep much around the Fourth. Of course, as soon as a child gets sleep deprived, hyper alertness kicks in and it's boot camp for Mom.

Our anniversary is July 3rd and we always forget it. Both of us, because the household is crazy on July 3rd, and besides, there's no going on dates anyway.

My boys, now 11 and 13, sleep in as teens are apt to do, which has been a huge relief as far as the occasional late nights go.

But my girls, particularly Mary, do poorly on little sleep and will typically get up earlier the next morning, not later. Unless I can figure out how to break the cycle, these become grueling weeks.

Mary's panicked over fireworks for three years running now, because just like with thunder and lightning, she thinks one of them will hit our roof and our house will burn down. No amount of counseling helps her through this. Once the wave of anxiety hits, it lasts until morning.

Additionally last night, Peter threw up after initially going to sleep fine. So around midnight, with Mary still awake, we're trying to figure out how to deal with his bedding and the floor, while also wondering if he caught a virus and would throw up again within the hour, or if he ate too much (was it the 2 smores on top of eating his own homemade oatmeal cookies?).

Then there's Paul, whose OCD is mild, until someone throws up. He has the lucky-number, bad-luck number OCD (yes, it does exist), as well as contamination OCD (doesn't touch doorknobs or the toilet knob if he can help it, or his own pants zipper, among other weirdness).

Incidentally, OCD people do incredibly weird things and even when they get together for group support, they're still incredulous at some of the weird things other patients do. "You do that...really?"

It so happens that last July 4th, Paul threw up, which of course means July 4th is bad luck. Once last year Peter threw up after a park visit and Paul refused to go to any park for about 6 weeks after that. Because of course, going to the park is bad luck.

Welcome to my insanity.

The fact that Peter threw up last night confirmed the doom.  Paul laid awake for hours, worrying it was coming any second.

Um, misery doesn't cover it.

We were all wondering (except Beth) in the late night why it's one crisis after another in our lives. The entire month of June was rain and clouds, being the 3rd rainiest June on record. Mary was miserable, even though most of the downpours didn't involve thunder and lightning. Still, the weather service always warns that there could be lightning and that's all it takes to start her anxiety.

Peter didn't have a virus, it turns out. We remembered a problem he had last summer, which resurfaced this week, after the sun finally decided to come out. People on SSRI drugs for OCD or depression have reduced sweating and their bodies get too hot easily, even without excessive exertion. It only takes the sun or a too-warm room. It starts with a mild headache and can build over a few days if caution isn't exercised.

Even though his body temperature wasn't necessarily elevated last night, he was still overheated from three days outside doing minor gardening and looking for toads, frogs, cicadas, and trying his hand at an ant farm.

Water consumption helps once a headache hits, but it doesn't slow the process down enough. He has to go outside, we've discovered, with a wet hat on his head and a wet shirt, since he won't sweat enough to cool himself. He's always worn hats but they've been dark blue and not wet, so they heated him, rather than cooled him.

Anyway, we woke up this morning to a new day. A new hope. Peter is well and the children are all smiles and hugs and joy again.

The fatigue hasn't hit them yet.

Now, Beth, my post-surgery patient? (Thank you for your prayers!) She slept well. Her eyes look horrible (huge blood blisters all over the whites of the eyes) and at times she has double, confused vision as her eye muscles adjust (this could last six weeks). This child isn't fearful about anything unless blood is mentioned, so well it thunders away and fireworks boom and people throw up around her, no problem. She isn't fazed. She's my only child without anxiety, but of course arthritis is no picnic, nor surgeries either.

At one o'clock this afternoon, Paul, reflecting on the nice day he and the others were having, said, "Wow, Mommy! That Bible verse it true. Joy does come in the morning!"

Psalm 30:1-5
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It's so easy to get lost in the stress and turmoil, but God's got this. He uses it all for His glory. Children who suffer illness and disorder have a special purpose in God's Kingdom, although to the families involved it can feel so isolating. I see God's hand in it time and again and He is my strength. 

Happy Fourth of July! Bless you all and thank you for your friendship.

Weekly Summer School and Life Wrap-Up 6/12

This post is long because I'm behind on my updates, but I put bolded headings in so you can skip what doesn't appeal to you. There are character training books featured below, as well as newly published elementary non-fiction science books. Thank you for being here!

An Overview of Our Summer School 

two boys, ages 11 and 13, and two girls, ages 6 and 8

I hope you're all enjoying summer weather. We're still in school, though using a more relaxed approach. Paul, age 11, is reading selections from the library as part of the summer library reading program. He still loves American history, finishing a library book about the Louisiana Purchase, as well as The Adventures of Pinocchio. He's taking a break from Teaching Textbooks Math 7 to try pre-algebra on Khan Academy this summer. He continues with the Khan Academy computer programming courses as well. His aptitude for the detailed work amazes me.

Peter's (age 13) OCD is severe and he still struggles to get through novel reading, some math, some writing. I won't be giving him much else this summer. Whenever there's a crises or problem with a child or family, I believe in keeping it to the three R's. We supplement by checking out Discovery Kids, National Geographic, and Disney Kids Non-fiction Science DVD's, and Magic School Bus DVD's. Peter always checks out non-fiction animal and plant and garden books from the library, too.

The girls, ages 6 and 8, continue with math, reading, and writing in their journals. I read a lot of non-fiction to them from the library and find that along with the experimenting and discovery learning they do on their own, they're getting a well-rounded curriculum.

Update on the OCD situation

As much as I mourn his disorder, God showers us with grace, still. Peter is not ready for a residential treatment center yet, but when he has had enough and is ready to do Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, we will probably have to admit him to a center in Cleveland for a few weeks at least. The OCD is stealing his life away. I've researched and learned that it's a bad idea to put an OCD patient in intensive therapy before they're at the end of their rope. It's hard to get insurance to pay for it, and it doesn't accomplish much if a patient doesn't commit to it 100%.

The therapy is grueling, scary, very difficult, as it forces the patient to deal with the fears and thoughts rather than try to neutralize them with rituals as a knee-jerk response. The ritual response worsens the OCD. The more rituals they do, the more their brain bombards them with disturbing thoughts, and eventually the rituals no longer work to neutralize the thoughts, and they can no longer function in their daily life. Peter is getting to this desperate point, even as he understands much about his disorder and how it works within his brain. It's hard for any of us to understand, but the thoughts are so strong the patients can't help themselves, even though they know it's all ridiculous.

Peter's ADHD makes it hard for him to focus consistently on what he needs to do to filter the OCD thoughts. He knows the normal thought filter in his brain doesn't work, so he has to manually filter thoughts and throw them in the garbage can, otherwise his brain reacts to each thought with panic. The two disorders--OCD and ADHD--work against each other, which is a tragedy.

It is very hard, but I have to accept this situation and the effects it's having on our school year and household. I don't know that I can graduate Peter at 18 years old if something doesn't change with his condition, but I will keep Paul on track to graduate at 16. Paul has always been taught with his older brother, who is 22 months older. Research affirms that very bright students do far better when allowed to jump grades. Schools have shied away from allowing bright kids to skip grades, due to the social aspect, but current research doesn't back up that hesitation.

A Hard Lesson for Homeschool Moms (and moms in general)

As homeschool moms we have a lot of ideas and desires when it comes to our homeschool, but we have to commit to teaching the students we have, not the students we wish we had. God has given each of our children a unique path to walk, and pain is naturally part of it in some form, due to the sin curse. The big picture compels us not to spend time putting out fires constantly, but to teach children how to walk with God consistently. We should spend as much or more time on their spiritual growth, as on their intellectual growth. Academic success without spiritual success won't take children far, or anywhere we want them to go.

Our daily trials here lend themselves to much growth as we cling to God for our sanity. My children are gleaning much from these difficult years. I see it and feel it within my own heart, and I embrace it for his glory.

But sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like I'll break down. I worked diligently to get the kids out to the van by 10:30 AM, to make a pre-op appointment at Children's Hospital, ahead of Beth's early July eye muscle surgery. Paul closed Beth's thumb in the van door and it swelled up immediately, so we headed to the ER at the same hospital, instead of to her eye doctor's wing. The x-ray came back normal, and then we got lost as we headed out of the ER parking lot, trying to get to the downtown parking garage we needed for the other part of the hospital.

Then, when we got to the ophthalmology wing, they were out for lunch but the waiting room was open. We waited 30 minutes, then found out we needed to go to pre-surgery floor of the main hospital. I thought the ophthalmology nurses were to do the pre-op appointment. The whole ordeal took six hours, and then Paul had a piano lesson at 5PM.

Long day! We all agree we hate running around. We're homebodies here.

Learning to Hold My Thoughts Captive

As we started out that day, during the whole 20-minute drive to the hospital I fought tears--a culmination of severe stress accumulated over several days, due to the OCD and my daughter's storm phobia and other issues. The swelling thumb and Beth's tears seemed like the last straw for my nerves. I wondered if Beth would have nerve damage in her thumb, and how would it affect her love for the arts? An artist needs her hands and her eyes, and God was messing with both lately in my little girl.

As much as I didn't feel in control inside, I kept control outside, due to being able now, in my late forties, to hold my thoughts captive far quicker than I could do in my thirties or early forties. Our thoughts can lead to joy, or despair (more so than our circumstances), so learning to hold them captive and direct them heavenward is an essential life skill for every Christian.

It's not that we ever entirely stop worrying or stressing or wondering "why me". It's that with personal trials and growth therein, the Holy Spirit teaches us to hold all these normal-but-damaging thoughts captive within minutes, rather the hours or days it used to take us.

Some pictures from the past two weeks

 basil

 Cosmos flower, which has since been eaten by bunnies down to ground level

 yellow squash

 Strawberry patch is producing beautifully this year. I haven't needed to buy strawberries in the last week.

 tiny maple tree saplings from the seedlings cleared from our rain gutters

 zinnia

When given adequate free time, kids always find ways to amuse themselves (and learn). Here they're floating balloons over the air filter in the boys' room. They were thrilled and experimented with how to get them to float lower or higher, and how size of balloon affected float level. 

A cardboard animal family

Miss Beth continues to use all her free time making things from cardboard, leaves, flower petals, etc. She is conscious of the amount of tape she uses now, and one day took me by the hand and showed me the duct tape she had used up and hidden under a bed, so as not to stress or anger us, I suppose. We had given her a talk about the cost of tape the prior week. I had to inwardly laugh, folks, and wonder how long she was stressing about having used a ton of tape in three days. While I'm not thrilled with the cost, I see genius in her creative mind (don't all parents think that...lol) and I can't hinder her.

She even asked me this week for three free duct tape rolls for her Christmas present.

The first place she heads upon arriving at the library is the craft book section, although she doesn't seem to make things from these books. She tells me they just give her ideas, which I think is more like saying, they open her eyes to the possibilities. Being dyslexic helps too; she fits the profile in so many ways. She truly sees possibilities we don't see, and keeps the big picture in mind.

Her fine motor skills are getting a rigorous work-out with all the cardboard she cuts out. Forming lower-case letters is still a challenge for her, as they were for all my kids at this same age (six).

 A cheetah

 An octopus that Paul made.

 A squid made by Beth.

 A flying creation of the Beth kind. She has a stick, two yellow leaves (waning milkweed leaves), a rock up front, a green leaf, and enough duct tape to hold it together. 

She's made more in the last two weeks, but I didn't get it all photographed.

I couldn't stand the disheveled pantries and the filthy fridge another day. Half a Saturday went by as I cleaned and rearranged.

Living payday to payday means I can't stock up on groceries, which isn't that big of a deal, considering our 1960's cupboards (i.e. no space!). The only cereals I buy are Cheerios and oatmeal, both of which have to be stored on top of the fridge for lack of other options. I basically keep to the same pantry staples, like dry and canned beans, tomato sauce, nuts and seeds, rice, pasta, taco shells, tortilla chips, popcorn, baking supplies, and applesauce. All the spices are in another tiny cupboard, which I also cleaned.

The annual fishing derby at a local state park. The child on the left is mine. 

Of course a toad must be loved on before we can leave any park. They're a must find or Mary doesn't deem the outing successful. She's still reluctant to leave nature at the park, but we're working on her selfishness in this regard. Here, Peter holds the toad.

This park has the perfect, low-level climbing tree. After last summer's concussion due to falling out of a tree (Peter), my children now climb only this particular tree, with a parent spotting. 

The Balancing Act that is Parenting

My female doctor is married to another doctor and they share one work contract. She works Tues & Thurs, and he works M-W-F. They share the homeschooling of their three children. Anyway, I spoke with her last fall about my son's tree accident, explaining that my husband had taken the kids to the park for a church picnic and left the tree area to watch my young daughter at the playground. Peter then climbed the tree unsupervised, with another middle school boy from church. He stepped on a weak branch that broke under his weight, causing a fall that exceeded 10 feet and led to a short black-out and concussion. 

I haven't said so here, I don't think, but I was pretty angry (non-verbally angry) with my husband about the unsupervised tree climbing. Peter has had so many problems from that concussion. He still can't read with pleasure (or for school) as he once did so prolifically, partly because of the fatigue it causes and because his OCD rituals cause him to reread sections he's already read, increasing his fatigue. It's still debatable whether his OCD went from mild/moderate to severe because of his concussion or his puberty years or both. Concussion can cause OCD in patients who previously never experienced it, depending on the area of the brain affected.  

I still have to squash my resentment at times, holding it captive for the sake of the gospel and my own peace. No resentment in marriage is acceptable and all of it needs to be held captive within minutes. 

I never would have allowed a child so high up in a tree. My doctor sympathized with me, saying she and her husband have the same go-arounds concerning what is safe. Neither of us were belittling our husbands so much as validating our feelings and confirming that children need two parents, a mom and a dad balancing each other, so children are neither too careful nor dangerously adventurous. The Lord has balanced our families by balancing female and male characteristics, though there are certainly some more careful men and wildly adventurous mothers in the mix as well. 

I now go to the park with the family as often as I can for this very reason, leaving chores undone and causing myself more stress sometimes. As mothers we have to accept the stressors inherent in mothering and caring for a family and balance them as much as possible. I try to have the children tidy up all the living areas now, before we enjoy any parks, so we don't come home to a bunch of stressful clutter.

Some park photos

The tree frogs on our own property are found out quickly, even on the roofs! There's no hiding here.

And of course, we have enough frogs on this property to please even Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. They're ever fascinating to my children, especially to Mary and Peter, though Peter less so this year, at thirteen years old. He still loves the toads.

New Character Training Books
This school year we've been all through the Miller Family Series, and A Busy Hive of Bees, and Another Hive of Bees, and I needed something else for our morning character training and prayer devotional time. I found these suggestions, and used this website to buy four books @ $6.95 each, containing 8 character stories each, by Vivian D. Gunderson. We've been through three stories and I love them so far.

Some newly published non-fiction science picks we've enjoyed (elementary picture books)

From Bulb to Tulip 

by Lisa Ownings

published Feb, 2015

School library journal synopsis: K-Gr 2—Lerner adds to this long-running, well-received series about transformation (previous titles have tackled animal and plant life cycles, food, and science). Though concise and comprehensible, the books still convey the essence of how these things come to be. Each spread features only a few sentences and serviceable photos. The small trim size, vocabulary words in bold, colorful and clean design, and spare but well-presented index and table of contents make this an ideal first step for nonfiction newbies. In choice of subject matter, too, this one sets itself apart from the usual fare for this audience. Strong offerings.

Wild Ideas: Let Nature Inspire Your Thinking 

by Elin Kelsey

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis: PreS-Gr 2—From the creative team behind You Are Stardust (Owlkids, 2012) comes a new picture book encouraging readers to ask questions and observe the answers found in nature. Every creature has problems and ways of discovering solutions to fit a specific need. Using examples from wildlife, the author asks children to learn from the ingenuity of animals and apply their creativity to human problem solving. "Pigeons procrastinate. Bees calculate. Elephants innovate." Much can be learned from careful observation of the world around us—just as some squirrels learn to cross a busy street by watching humans, we can learn from watching other species. Some may be "wild ideas," like the way chimpanzees invent drinking spoons from folded leaves, while others reinforce ideas we might already employ. "Killer whales rely on their mothers' wisdom. Baboons get guidance from their dads." The full-color, full-page illustrations are all dioramas that depict the animals and children interacting. Although many scenes are quite busy and full of detail, the text, sometimes in varying sizes, is clear and easy to read. An author's endnote explains the research involved. VERDICT Although most readers will be drawn to this book because of the animal content, they might pick up some problem-solving skills in the process

Animal Eyes 

by Mary Holland

published February, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: The sense of sight helps an animal stay safe from predators, find food and shelter, defend its territory and care for its young. We can tell a lot about an animal from its eyes: whether it is predator or prey, whether it is more active during the day or night, and sometimes even its gender or age. Award-winning nature photographer and environmental educator Mary Holland shares fascinating animal eyes with readers of all ages.

The Nitty-Gritty Gardening Book: Fun Projects for ALL SEASONS

by Kari Cornell

Published March, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: Grow your own fruits, vegetables, and flowers! Become a gardener in any season with these fun and easy projects. You don't even need a garden space--many of these activities can be done by planting in containers to set on a porch or a patio or even in a window. Try your hand at growing potatoes and strawberries. Plant bright flowers that attract butterflies, birds, and bees. Learn how to get daffodils to bloom in the winter! You can even make your own compost. Colorful photographs and simple step-by-step drawings make each project easy to follow for gardening success. Ready to get your hands dirty and your garden growing?

Frogs: All About their life cycle, five senses, habitat, and more!

by Seymour Simon

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis:  Gr 3–5—Among the plethora of books about frogs currently in print, Simon's stands out as one of the best. Covering the life cycle, five senses, and unique adaptations (who knew that frogs use their large eyes to help them swallow food?), readers are offered detailed information and just enough text for a young frog enthusiast or report writer. Unfamiliar words are in bold, and definitions worked seamlessly into the text are further defined in the glossary. Large, attractive, uncaptioned photos are well placed, effectively conveying the material (the frog demonstrating periscope eyes is particularly well placed). Simon devotes a paragraph to five types of unusual frogs and toads from around the globe, and there's also information about the current state of frog habitats and scientific research. VERDICT A smart choice for reports and recreational reading for all libraries.—Jennifer Wolf, Beaverton City Library, OR

How was your week, friends? Thank you for visiting.