Persevering Mom

My girls went to a birthday party last night. It was held in a tiny starter church and the theme was Finding Dory, which they showed on a "big screen" (aka the screen for worship music lyrics). They asked the girls to dress in pajamas and bring sleeping bags and teddy bears. Oh the excitement!

Party hours were 4 PM to 7 PM, during which pizza, cake, ice cream and a snack table were available. Apparently, Mary had some of each because at exactly one in the morning she vomited big time and it was 2:30 before I got to sleep.

The sick ones always sleep in the king bed with me just in case they need assistance again in the middle of the night. I didn't know if this was a virus or a junk food hangover. Hubby set an alarm and slept elsewhere, waking us up at 6:50 as he got ready for church and spoke loudly in the hallway with Paul about the awesome Penn State football game.

Imagine my irritation.

I feel like a zombie and have to clean the house ahead of the daycare week, wash a bunch of linen plus the regular daily loads, and you're waking me and our sick daughter up because of football?

I got up, helped everyone but Mary get ready for church and later got the computer set up to listen to the live sermon broadcast. We watched that, while I observed to see if Mary could hold down sips of water.

The whole time I'm feeling like I'd just studied all night long for an 8 AM final exam. They don't tell you in college that much of your first 18 years parenting a child will mimic that feeling, except for a few summer months when viruses slow down.

Of course it isn't just the viruses. You'll stand in the kitchen and by the washer and dryer for much of the next 18 years, come rain or shine, sickness and in health, especially if you homeschool. The floor will need sweeping and the carpet a vacuuming when you're not by the washer, dryer, dishwasher or stove.

Relentless is the only word that covers it and yet moms don't quit. We persevere with some super human strength I am grateful for, but will never understand. Even us older moms. Even grandmas who are moms to their grandchildren. If we're bedridden, we find a way to mother and delegate from the bed.

Sometimes while sweeping the same floor hours later we feel like Cinderella, who works herself to exhaustion while the evil stepmother and stepsisters live active lives, well-rested and vibrant, always looking forward to something. Other people live life, it seems, while we enable their pursuits. We give things up day after day. The feeling of being passed by, of being unimportant, can be so strong sometimes.

Our Heavenly Father sees us and is well pleased. We work for Him and he says this is good work and I bank my life on that. The servant is blessed in the kingdom of God. The last shall be first. All the more reason to press on without complaining, rejoicing in the growth and beauty in our children's hearts and minds. Sometimes when they're being selfish it seems like we're going backwards, but persevere and trust. Together with the Lord, we're not just cleaning messes, but building a legacy.

Appreciating Mom

I'm on my third day in bed with the flu.

Can you imagine what the house looks like?

Today I told the kids to catch up on the house first, and then do school with whatever time was left. I intuitively knew that if I didn't call a housekeeping day, then the house would be too far gone for me to clean up on Sunday night, ahead of the Monday daycare day. I'm sure my being off has incredibly inconvenienced the family I work for, but it couldn't be helped.

The boys made dinner the last two nights. Tacos by Paul, and gingerbread pancakes by Peter. They were delicious. I am not a failure as a mother; my children are doing alright with this sudden domestic nightmare. Our job is to work ourselves out of a job, and nothing tests that notion like consecutive sick days for Mom.

To save money, we don't buy many snacks. We bake our own, or make popcorn. There are no-bake cookies for afternoon snack, thanks to Paul. Peter is going to put a whole chicken in the oven at 4 PM, and four loads of laundry were folded and put away at Peter's direction to his siblings.

Peter rose to the occasion nicely. At first though, he knocked on my bedroom door and asked me to please give the kids jobs to do, because the cleaning wasn't getting done. I told him the first step is always the decluttering. An hour later he came and shared this with me:

"All I've been doing for an hour is walking around and putting a ton of little things away. I don't know how you do this everyday. Your job is a lot harder than I thought."

As much as I feel really lousy, and am shocked to have the flu in October--before we even got our flu shots--I can see the value in Mom being down for a week. Housekeeping is a thankless job. Rarely does anyone remember to say thank you for the many small acts of service we do.

And yet, so much of life rides on our shoulders. We're not engineering $25,000,000 stock deals, or meeting to discuss the next president's first 100 days in office, but we are the glue that holds it all together for the next generation. We're significant in immeasurable ways. Our contributions are astounding.

And you know what makes it beautiful, rather than just the work of cooks, maids, and executive secretaries?

It's the love. The self-sacrifice. Our services are free of charge, paid for with precious energy and time and heart. We could be doing so many wonderful things with our time, yet we choose to serve in lowly ways--to do the seemingly insignificant work of ensuring everyone has clean pants and shirts, and available Cheerios and oatmeal for breakfast. When it's time for a meal, the food is there. When it's time for a change, the fresh clothes are there. When it's time to be somewhere, Mom is on the case, five steps ahead of everyone.

When Mom is down, everything is down. When Mom can't go to the store, it's a crisis. When mom can't do the socks and underwear, all of life stops and there's scurrying around. Confused people wonder what to do first and next, because we make it look so easy.

It's beautiful what we do. We literally give our lives to serve others, with no promise of repayment, no promise of a nest egg waiting for us in retirement.

If you devalue what you do...if anyone devalues what you do, just wait. Your sick days will come too and you'll see the value of your contribution. You will be newly thankful that you have the energy and the love and the legacy-minded vision to get up and do the same thing every day, because you want to. Because you love to. Because you get to.

A Housewife Gone Astray

It's Saturday morning. A few hours of heaven on earth in my life. Yes, I still have chores, shopping, and cooking weighing on me (ain't that the truth even on our birthdays and on Mother's Day?), but there is no exact deadline, other than hungry stomachs.

As a homeschooling mom, Saturday did have perks for me, but it's different now. Now it's a huge relief, like the last contraction of an unmedicated childbirth, or like the last hundred yards of a marathon.

Yippee!

And Sunday afternoon and evening? They've changed too. The stress starts to build as I run around, getting the house ready for the next day, knowing that if I don't use my time wisely, I could be up until 2 AM cleaning and planning lessons or crafts. I used to get the Sunday blues as a public school teacher, too, toward the end when I had a lot of behavior problems and dreaded the weeks.

Because non-paycheck moms don't live under intense time pressure (excepting those with kids in a lot of programs) it's easy to get too relaxed and waste time. Poor time management makes it difficult to be a blessing to our families. If we fail to listen to the Holy Spirit's prodding on this, God will correct us in uncomfortable ways.

He promises to make us a spiritual success so we can finish the race. He promises. We need only respond.

I'm about to reveal a sin in my life and encourage you to avoid the same path and stay on higher ground.

Are you ready?

I would recommend every stay-at-home mom make a list of her typical daily pursuits--not how the days would ideally go, but how they actually go. Then, analyze the list to check on your time management. Did you spend two hours on Facebook or surf the Internet too long each day? Did some other guilty escape occupy too much of your time?

Don't be ashamed, but do give this to the Lord. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, but he does desire a responsive heart.

Prior to being forced into this babysitting job, I was spending too much time reading political Internet news. It became a habit that I justified in the name of being a responsible voter in an election year. But really? I was failing to put things in God's hands, and I admired one political person too much, reading everything I could find on him. Twenty to thirty minutes of news a day was probably appropriate, but I let it get out of hand and I didn't respond quickly enough to the Holy Spirit's prodding, or I responded inconsistently--doing better one day and falling "off the wagon" the next.

I'm ashamed before God. I served myself, not my family. It haunts me that my having to babysit is somewhat of a punishment or a correction. I didn't appreciate enough my status as a stay-at-home mom. And in a sense I didn't fear the Lord.

Staying at home to care for a family is a privileged position, not a right. 

To whom much is given, much is required.

I feel utterly exhausted most days and there's not much pleasure in my life right now. There's a lot of dread. I'm not bitter, but I am very, very sorry. God is using this time in my life, creating in me a purer heart, giving me a greater desire to be a godly mom and wife, instead of one who feels entitled and eats the bread of idleness.

Dealing with hard physical or emotional issues can cause us to seek guilty escapes, and those escapes, unchecked, can prove costly. Sin is always costly. It is forgiven, but still costly.

God promises to give us an escape route when we're tempted, but first, we have to recognize and acknowledge our sin. Escape routes mean nothing to a person in denial. 

Live in the light, God commands. Don't hide sin, acknowledge it and let yourself be purified.

God knows women. He knows what reminders we need. Our culture would have us believe men and women are the same, with the same capabilities and faults, but God doesn't seem to teach that.

Titus 2:3-5  Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Proverbs 31:26-31 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. ...

The Proverbs 31 woman, by the way, is not one woman. We can't all be great at everything. It's more of a list of admirable qualities we should pray into our lives. If you read it as a description of one woman, you'll surely get discouraged and give up.

A godly woman keeps a quiet time to center herself on Him. She gives the day's troubles to her Master. Like Mary, she says "Let it be to me as you say. I am the Lord's servant." She is unselfish and generous. She takes care of herself, but she doesn't indulge herself. She doesn't feel entitled, but grateful. She loves with her time, with her prayers, with her words and with her body.

When referring to God, godliness means perfection. But in humans, godliness is a submission, a humility...an acknowledgement of our complete dependence on the Savior and Master.

Our behavior is telling, though. It's an accurate picture of our spiritual state. We are told to look for fruit. When our time here is up, we won't be judged on the way we wanted to behave, but on how we actually behaved.

That's why I advise...take an inventory of how you spend your time. If you find error, there's a heart issue that needs revealing and cleansing. Every sin starts with the wrong attitude of heart.

Working moms are forced to be more time-efficient (unselfish with their time). They have a boss and multiple deadlines, at home and at work. A stay-at-home mom can potentially get more done, spiritually and relationally, but only if she lives each day as though God were watching.

1 Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

I trust God in this, and I don't believe life will be this intensely hard forever. I thank Him for not giving up on me, and for loving me enough to die for me and remake me into His image. 

In the meantime, there are two children who come here for 45 hours a week. If my heart is right, I can introduce the Lord to them and encourage their parents, who really have their hands full with some high-needs children. 

Has the Lord ever corrected you with a major life change? Did you recognize it as such, and how did it come out?

3 Christian Marriage Essentials

Though neglected in this season of life, I do notice something about this blog: roughly 40 to 80 people a month land on this post: An Open Letter to Unhappy Christian Wives.

For the Church that's reason to grieve. Often when I pray about the anonymous readers, wondering what brought them to that post, I wonder: What can the Church do to save Christian marriages?

Here are some compelling marriage stats from a Christianity Today article:

In her newest book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shanti compiles some stats and conducts some research of her own on marriage, and specifically, what makes for a happy marriage.

53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."

She writes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness" (pg. 178, Highly Happy Marriages). (See her book for the methodology.) Dr. Wilcox finds that "active conservative protestants" who attend church regularly are actually 35% less likely to divorce than those who have no religious preferences. In all cases, notice the active element of the faith commitment. "Nominal" Christians, however, those who simply call themselves Christians but do not actively engage with the faith, are actually 20% more likely than the general population to get divorced—perhaps there is a link between putting on a show in the religious and relational context.

With this data in mind, here are three considerations for those desiring an enduring marriage:

1. Focus on God, and on the marriage the Holy Spirit is working out.

Trust God implicitly to mold yours into a godly marriage, regardless of how it looks today.

If God is at the center of a marriage, than it stands to reason he's at the center of both the husband's and wife's individual lives. However, if not, you can't force your husband to read the Bible. Focus on what you can do spiritually, and pray for your husband. Don't nag or be antagonistic. Your faithfulness and patience will be rewarded. The Holy Spirit will change hearts--any open heart, that is. Keep your own heart open using prayer and the Word as cleansing agents. A closed, bitter heart is the beginning of the end.

Your marriage is only as good as your reliance on Him.


2. Don't be a Christian in name only.

A nominal Christian has one to two feet in the world at all times, and the world destroys the sanctity and beauty of Christian marriage. If you're a nominal Christian, good luck with that 50th anniversary thing. It probably ain't happening.

Keep your feet and heart and head out of the world. Forsake the world's ways and save yourself and probably your marriage and kids, too. Ask God if you're a nominal Christian. His answer is all that matters, and it will be clear enough. Just ask. The Holy Spirit will then step in and clean house.


3. Remember what you deserve, and what you were given instead.

End entitlement in your heart and practice gratitude. God has given you exactly what He thinks is good for you. You don't agree with him? Be obedient anyway, just like you would expect from your children, who don't always know what's best.

Here's my story: My marriage is hard, but there are no on-going resentments. We aren't fighters. Moments of tired irritation occur for both of us, but that comes with having special-needs children. Special needs press in on a marriage. Date nights and all the other tricks to keep the home fires burning? They're a dream to couples dealing with children's problems. Such marriages thrive by the grace of God, not because of date nights or anything planned.

A godly marriage doesn't have to look romantic or ideal. It has to have a rock-solid foundation--which is Christ--and two flawed people extending grace toward one another, continually. When you look at your partner, look with Jesus glasses. Jesus sees a sinner in need of grace. Can't we do the same?

The Holy Spirit continually reminds me that I am receiving in Jesus Christ's far more than I could ever hope or imagine. Aren't the vast majority doomed to hell, sadly? The Bible overflows with love toward me and my husband, and because of that we want to honor God with our marriage. It's as simple as that. Gratitude. Our marriage is a gift to God, not to ourselves. Though with this perspective, the marriage is mutually satisfying. It does turn out as a gift, but not from each other. A gift from God, rather.

When you look at marriage-success advice, you'll see date nights and enough sex and other things the couple is supposed to do. But every family has a different situation. Some are caring for aging parents; some are caring for other special needs; some couples have disorders or diseases themselves. Many are exhausted and nothing about their lives looks ideal--for years on end, not just for a season. Are these couples doomed, without the date nights and all the sex and the candle-lit anniversaries?

What about, say...the Pilgrims from 1620? They came here and endured years of hardship, often with no privacy or security of food or life. Fifty percent perished the first year. Survival was the only thing on their minds, and yes, sometimes God has this kind of existence for us. All through history life has been very hard and from that perspective, our modern-day "date nights" are comical. 

Commitment, and faith in something greater than themselves, held the marriages of old together, not date nights. You either live for yourself, or you live for Someone greater. Nothing legacy-worthy comes from living for ourselves. The me-centered leave nothing behind, except the echo of their selfishness.

It's not about whether we remember anniversaries (July 3rd and we usually remember too late), or whether we buy gifts for one another (we don't), or whether we go to marriage retreats (we never have), or whether we spend time alone (maybe 20 - 30  minutes before sleep, a few nights a week). My husband's got an aging father to attend to, first of all.

It's about finishing the race we started on July 3, 1999, for His glory. There's no stopping, turning back, or wishing we chose differently. God is writing the story and we already know how it ends.

For his glory and our good.

Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage

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(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.

Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.

Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:

The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.

Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.

Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”

DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).

For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.

I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

Your House: A Story of Love and Life

We women pride ourselves on our ability to multitask. We're different from men in that way, which is why God charged man with providing for his family, and women with the home-front tasks, such as the daily rearing of children. You can't care for children without the ability to multitask.

Case in point: a man gets his three children ready for church, his wife having gone to church earlier for choir practice. The wife did set out clothes for the children, but somehow Dad sent his youngest son to church with last year's high-water pants (two sizes too small!). The wife looked at her son in horror later, wondering where her husband even found those pants.

No, this did not happen to me. It could have, except that the choir would never want my awful voice. But once, when I went to a morning doctor's appointment while pregnant with my fourth, my husband let our middle two children out to play in their pajamas because he had no clue what to put on them.

Yes, multitasking seems to be God-sent, but even women can take it too far. One morning last week, trying to do too many things at once, I forgot to spray the bread pan before rolling up the dough and placing it in the pan. Instead of falling out nicely with a minor shake, I had to butcher the bread to get it out of the pan.

This week I again tried to do too many things at once, and I added the salt to the bread dough twice. We couldn't even eat it. Nasty. What a waste of groceries and time, but the lesson is well learned.

Here's what I've learned through breadmaking: We don't have to be everything to everybody all day long.

The sky is not going to fall if the house is a mess longer than a day, or two days. We can say...right now, I will focus on one thing. I will enjoy that one thing, and I will be grateful for the opportunity to bless through that one thing.

Too often we look around the disheveled house--disheveled because after all, kids do live in it--and we're dissatisfied with ourselves. We assume all the other moms do it better...balance it all better. Have cleaner living rooms, shinier refrigerators, wiped-down bathrooms, laundry that's folded and put away.

But this is closer to the truth: Sometimes, we read to the kids nice and long and the bathrooms don't get wiped down. We take the kids for a walk and the laundry doesn't get folded. Other days, we try to get caught up, wondering how it got so messy so fast. We fuss at the kids about their messes, making them feel like they're a bother, rather than a blessing.

The bottom line is this: Focus on relationships and don't regret what doesn't get done while you're enjoying the blessings God placed before you. Look at the messes and be grateful for them...marvel at the smart children who used their imaginations and had a good time with those fall nature specimens, even though they made a mighty mess in the process. Good minds make messes.

If you wipe down the bathrooms, give yourself permission to do it mindfully, while not trying to keep the laundry going, get snacks for the kids, and get online to pay a utility bill all at the same time.

A dissatisfied homemaker feels worthless and depressed because even though she's worked herself to exhaustion, she looks around and doesn't see much to show for her efforts--and the whole crazy thing starts all over the next morning. This is a common reason women prefer to leave the home and get a job. A job is often less maddening then being home with the kids.

The secret to happy homemaking is understanding choices and learning to be at peace with them. We all make choices for how we'll spend our time, and the women who consistently choose the house have less satisfying relationships.

I have one child who has twice said funny things about how it's going to be when he grows up. Once he announced that he was going to be strict with his children and they weren't going to make messes. Recently he said he was going to have a neat house, not one like ours.

Ouch.

My first reaction was irritation, because of course my husband and me are not the ones who generally make messes. It's the children, and this particular child is the second worst offender in that department. But quickly, my irritation melted down to amusement.

I gently prodded him and got him to admit that his house wouldn't be very fun for children, or peaceful for them, or intellectually stimulating, if no one was allowed to make messes.

And again, I prodded him to think about the mother who spends all her time cleaning, ignoring the children all the while. Would that convey love? Would that convey value? Who would be happy in a home that was made to feel like a model home you could only look at, not get comfortable in?

A home is, above all, a place for love. It's a safe haven: a place to try and fail, succeed and triumph. It's a place for exploring our talents, expanding our intellects, sharing ideas and sorrows, rejoicing one with another.

A house welcomes you in and lets you mold it to fit your unique family. It's grateful for the attention all the while. A house lives with you. It stretches with you. It's like The Velveteen Rabbit who was loved so much it became real. A house becomes a home.

A couple gets married, comes home giddy from the honeymoon, then throws themselves into making their home just so...cozy, warm, but orderly and clean. Life is good and predictable, and the state of the house is fairly uniform, except maybe around the holidays. Caring for it isn't a challenge. There's always an hour here, two hours there, to give it some attention.

Soon, the first baby appears; the couple arrives home giddy from the hospital.

Suddenly, come the feedings and the changing and rocking. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

In no time the house deteriorates to a shocking state. The new mother shudders to think who might visit and see it like that.

Five years later, the house is still shocking, but the messes look different.

Five more years, the messes change again but the shock value persists.

Five more years pass with no progress on the house, except when Mom gets single-minded before holiday guests and ignores everyone until the house is perfect---perfect for one hour.

Seven more years and you drive home, quiet and reflective, from the last child's wedding reception.

Gulp.

Now there's an hour here, two hours there, to care for the house, which reverts back to its pre-baby state.

But it's too quiet. Too clean. Too empty.

Momma's heart aches at the sight of each clean surface. At each quiet, orderly room...because the best years of her life all got married and moved away.

As she passes from room to room, imagining the scenes of their childhood all over again, she wonders if she made too much of the house and not enough of the kids. Did she marvel at their brilliant messes often enough? Their colorful, bold paintings? The elaborate dolly tea parties that quickly morphed into disaster areas? Their fall leaf collages that made getting the table ready for dinner a nightmare? Their mud cakes on the driveway?

Our houses go through a transformation just like we do. The walls will echo with the joys of childhood, long after the children have gone.

Make the right choices now, so you can enjoy those echoes later. Let the echos speak of love, patience, joy. Choose one thing at a time as much as you can, and let it more often than not be relationship. Let the kids bake with you, cook with you, clean with you, fold with you. Mundane tasks need not always depend on Mom alone. A task can turn into togetherness, into memory-making, into an abundant life.

Enjoy the stage your house is in now. Let that house echo of you and your family's legacy of love for centuries to come.

Wishing you and your home love, patience, joy.

Blessings,

Christine


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Teaching Dyslexics...the Delicate Dance, the Bottom Line

This morning I made a fact family chart for my girls so they could see the patterns clearly and maybe internalize them. This of course wasn't the first time I've done this.

2 + 2 = 4  so 4 - 2 = 2
3 + 3 = 6  so 6 - 3 = 3
4 + 4 = 8  so 8 - 4 = 4

I demonstrated each family with unifix cubes, up to 10 + 10 = 20.

Next, I gave them subtraction problems that included only doubles, such as 12 - 6 = 6, and 10 - 5 = 5.

If they get an answer of 12, the next challenge is...how do you write a 12? Is it 21 or 12? Is 14 a 4 and a 1, or a 1 and a 4? All the details overwhelm and cause fatigue and frustration--all the automaticity necessary, just doesn't come.

I put the chart I made right in front of them, thinking they could easily do the problems with the cubes to help, as well as with the fact family chart. Hopeful that my teaching job was at least temporarily done, I went to start the bread in the bread machine.

But no, they couldn't do it without help. Every time I thought I could go back to the bread, they called me again.

It's frustrating everyday when teaching dyslexics, even as you watch them throughout the day and see clearly how bright they are.

It's rarely a conceptual problem. They understand subtraction makes a number smaller, and addition makes it larger. They don't have issues with the concepts, but computation is still extremely exasperating for all of us.

Automaticity, as I said, just isn't there. Working memory isn't strong enough for random facts and sequences, and seemingly simple patterns don't jump out at them like they do for many of us. They look at a 100's chart and see random symbols, not patterns.

They can't look at 3 mathematical signs, like +, -, and =, and tell you automatically which is which. They have to think about it, and ask for clarification. They have to ask for clarification about 6 and 9, and b and d, even though we've used strategies to tell them apart.

They can't automatically remember that we read problems from left to right, not right to left. And when faced with a non-modified worksheet, they can't remember which row they're on, so when they have an answer, they don't know where to put it because all the rows and columns are overwhelming, which is why Teaching Textbooks is a wonderful program for dyslexics. It presents one problem at a time, and keeps distractions at a minimum. I can't wait until the girls are ready for third grade math and can use Teaching Textbooks.

When dyslexics (dyscalculics) get to algebra, the concepts aren't a problem, but without a calculator, the simple, multiple computation steps leading up to the answer, are a problem. So many steps of addition, subtraction, division, and multiplication are overwhelming. Too many signs, too much work on the scratch sheet, making it too hard to see which problem you just worked out. It's a horrible waste of paper to do everything on a fresh sheet, and yet chalk is a pain. I've resorted to cutting small sections of paper for each problem.

Yesterday my six-year-old daughter told us out of the blue that she's going to marry someone who is a Christian, who is intelligent, loving, helps others, likes to go places, and who is fun. All this from a six year old! Her mind--her discernment and insight--amazes me all day long.

Dyslexics see the big picture well, and work from that vantage point.

My girls--and many, many dyslexics--love movement, music, art, acting, making up songs, making up games. They can do so much, and yet dyslexia, if they let it, can crush their spirits...make them feel dumb and dis-empowered.

No, my beautiful, wonderful, amazing daughter. This doesn't mean you're dumb. It means you're different. Your mind works differently, and your mind is needed in the body of Christ.

I feel overwhelmed so often with the dance I have to maintain as their teacher, and yet the challenge is delicious, too. On the one hand, I have to point out frequently what they can do--how God has gifted them. And on the other hand I have to maintain the patience of a saint while I try to come up with methods that work for them, and empower them.

I honestly don't know how much time to spend on computation, because no matter how much we do, it never becomes automatic. Peter, who shares the same difficulties, memorized stories to learn his multiplication facts, and he's never memorized his addition or subtraction facts. If that was my goal, we'd never have gotten to seventh grade math at all.

There's one word for this dilemma. Calculator. For all those students who feel like crying because they can't pass the timed math drills in public school, I wish I could tell their parents and teachers one thing. Calculator. Memorized facts is not next to godliness, any more than cleanliness is. With one in five students dyslexic, we need to get this straight. Calculator, Calculator. Calculator. It's okay for some students to use one. It's not a failure. The sooner they learn to operate one, the better.

I don't mean to throw out the flashcards anymore than the cursive, but not everyone can memorize them, and it's not lack of trying.

I have to stay mindful that successful dyslexics warn not to spend too much time remediating your dyslexic student, at the expense of allowing them to capitalize on their strengths. Their unique strengths, which make them valuable in the workplace, are what catapult them forward, both in spirit, and in their work life.

Society doesn't understand dyslexia. They think it's a tragedy, or that these people are low or borderline IQ, when in fact they are of average or above-average intelligence. The misconceptions are changing, but not fast enough. My kids will have to face a lot of scrutiny about their lack of basic skills (spelling, punctuation, computation). As their homeschool parent, I'll likely be blamed--a fact for which I'm bracing myself.

Their path to help people understand them and believe in them will be an uphill battle, and I pray they find the challenge delicious. I pray they'll be their own bosses, and even go into joint ventures, for his glory. If they don't fit an established mold, they have to remodel the clay as they go through life. They have to appreciate their own minds and realize that "outside the box" is good. They have to muster the courage to raise their hands and say..."But what about this angle?" The angle that is just right, but that no one else sees, because they aren't spatially gifted like a dyslexic.

The same phenomena that makes dyslexics have trouble with left and right and where to start, also makes them solve puzzles and see solutions others don't see. They can view things from multi-vantage points...rotate things in three dimension easily.

Whatever happens, the whole amazing thing, with all its advantages and disadvantages, serves as a reminder that we live for eternity. We hold all these things loosely: success, comfort, prestige, recognition, being understood, having an easy road. We embrace our divine path, whatever it is, and wherever it leads. It's unique. It's ours, given as gift.

At the end of the day, the homeschooling mother isn't successful when her children can do their math problems swiftly. It's when they understand their place before God, their place before eternity...that's when you can go to bed with a joyful sigh and a thankful heart.

A Little Family Wisdom

My kids may as well have been born in a different century, or so it seems sometimes. We're in a church with lots of children, and consequently my kids are perceiving more and more how other kids' lives are different from theirs.

Basically, when you take away all disposable income (money to entertain oneself outside the home or the park) and take away video- and electronic-games and Internet phones, what you have is an existence for kids that mirrors more what it was like in the mid to late twentieth century. That is, kids who entertained themselves with the natural environment (creeks, ponds, fields, backyards), and with bats and balls, paper, crayons, pencils and paints, with yarn, sewing, and dolls, and most importantly, with their own family, and neighbor kids.

When my kids (even my youngest) go to church and hear about this or that family who went here or there, and ate at this or that restaurant, or who played this or that electronic game, they feel left out and weird. So they mention it to me and I empathize with them, telling them it is hard to be different.

But then we discuss what they heard and compare it to the life God calls us to in the Bible. He calls us to lead an other-focused life, not a me-focused life. All the things they heard are usually me-focused activities, rather than other-focused activities, and so our little talk helps them see that they're really not worse off, even if they appear weird.

I also remind them that people in wealthy countries often spend the first half of their lives indulging themselves. Then, when they're older and learn that a me-focused life is not what God wants for them, they have a hard time finding a balance. They feel deprived if they start to spend less on themselves. It's a difficult transition.

It's good, I remind my kids, to know what to do with yourself without money to help you. It's a great skill and one that will help them all their lives. They have to use their imaginations, and they have to learn to work cooperatively with others to make the most of the resources available. And they have to invent new things to do, rather than rely on something already invented.

They're learning that God gave us much to entertain and soothe ourselves in the natural world, which He created for our good pleasure. The natural world is a gift. It's like God's love letter to us.

Lastly, my kids, as less distracted young people, are learning that entertainment isn't supposed to be our only concern. People all over the world have needs, and we're supposed to be thinking about that, more than about our next entertainment fix. I share with them this verse:

1 Corinthians 10:23 "I have the right to do anything," you say--but not everything is beneficial. "I have the right to do anything"--but not everything is constructive.

The more choices we have available to us outside of our working/school hours, the more we have to discern what is good and pleasing to the Lord. We already know that work is good and pleasing to the Lord, and that idleness (not having an occupation of some sort) is sin. We already know that God calls us also to rest.

If during our discretionary time we have more permissible things on our list than constructive things, we're imbalanced.

Don't feel sorry for your kids if you can't give them what most kids have or experience. Rarely are the things that come from money the best things (unless you're talking clean water, sanitation, and a non-leaking roof).

Actually, if your Christian kids fit it with typical kids, you might be missing something about not being in the world. Christian kids should be different. Rough around the edges because they're still kids, after all, but different, nonetheless. (My kids have huge flaws, believe me.)

Another difference my kids feel keenly is their perception of family. They're often dismayed at what kids say about their siblings, or even about their parents.

Case in point: Last Friday some new neighbors came over and when Peter told the sister of the pair (she was about 9 years old) that he had three siblings, she responded sarcastically, "Oh, I feel sorry for you."

When your best earthly asset is your family, you can't relate to these sentiments. Peter told her--as he often does to other kids who express similar sentiments--that he is grateful for his siblings. As my oldest, Peter is learning to stand up for his values without care for the backlash.

Family has gone out of style, sadly. Families may sleep under the same roof, but because they disperse here and there during the day and evenings, that's about all they have in common--their roof for sleeping under. They don't even necessarily eat there, or at least not often together.

If I ever wanted to write a book, it would be about bringing back the family. If you have a close-knit nuclear family, you're rich. And if you have the Lord in conjunction with family, you have all the best this universe has to offer--a foundation that will never fail you...sources of joy that will never go out of style.

Thank the Lord we always have these two things to give to our children, no matter our circumstances.

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Preparing Our Daughters For Lifelong Marriage Part 1

No doubt you're sick of hearing about the Duggars by now, but I really want to encourage mothers and wives by giving a Christian perspective on Anna Duggar's situation, and speak on how we can prepare our daughters for marriage and for a life of faith. Should we really "teach them to breathe fire" and would that prevent heartbreak in their lives?

In this first piece, I will deal with just the beginning portion of the worldly sentiments presented in the letter featured below. In another piece, I'll write on the breathe-fire portion.

Kirkland, a mother of two girls, recently wrote a Facebook post that went viral, detailed here and excerpted below:

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. Anna Duggar was taught that her sole purpose in life, the most meaningful thing she could do, was to be chaste and proper, a devout wife, and a mother. Anna Duggar did that! Anna Duggar followed the rules that were imposed on her from the get-go and this is what she got in reward.
As a mother of daughters, this makes me ill. Parents, WE MUST DO BETTER BY OUR DAUGHTERS. Boys, men, are born with power. Girls have to command it for themselves. They aren't given it. They assume it and take it. But you have to teach them to do it, that they can do it. We HAVE to teach our daughters that they are not beholden to men like this. That they don't have to marry a man their father deems "acceptable" and then stay married to that man long, long after he proved himself UNACCEPTABLE. Educate them. Empower them. Give them the tools they need to survive, on their own if they must. Josh Duggar should be cowering in fear of Anna Duggar right now. Cowering. He isn't, but he should be. He should be quaking in fear that the house might fall down around them if he's in the same room as she. Please, instill your daughters with the resolve to make a man cower if he must. To say "I don't deserve this, and my children don't deserve this." I wish someone had ever, just once, told Anna she was capable of this. That she knew she is. As for my girls, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire.

It's tempting to champion this woman's cause given the completely humiliating manner in which Josh treated Anna. As much as I've cringed at Josh Duggar's heartbreaking sins and how unfavorably they reflect on Christianity, I'm mindful that we know very little information. Isn't that usually true, when we're tempted to judge others?

We have no idea what went on in their marriage or in their daily family life, but I know from experience that when you're caring for a newborn and other little ones, you have little interest in marital relations. (Don't roll your eyes yet...I am not going to excuse Josh or any other unfaithful spouse.) Weeks or sometimes months can go by without any attention to our husbands, easily, during this first year (or during times of intense stress), and our husbands are put in a difficult place, because to keep reminding us about their needs appears insensitive to our exhaustion or our feelings. I think many men remain silent so as not to provoke us or feel like schmucks.

Most women are aroused by feeling close to and in love with their husbands, and by being rested and relaxed enough to feel light and playful. Men are aroused far more easily (given their visual bent) and can even be aroused during times of exhaustion and intense stress.

Communication is very, very important here.

Our husbands are responsible before God for their decisions and actions, no matter whether we remember their needs or not. It isn't fair to blame an overwhelmed and physically exhausted mother for her husband's pornography habit or an affair, but it is wise for mothers to prepare their daughters to keep lines of communication open with their husbands in the year after childbirth, and during times of intense family stress. It's an unwise woman who assumes her husband is doing fine, as long as he isn't nagging for attention. Grace must abound on both sides.

God always provides a way out of temptation and open communication is one of those means in a marriage.

I am not indicating by these statements that I think Josh is a real Christian gone wrong, or that by more marital relations their issues could have been prevented. I don't know his spiritual state, but total deception such as his can start with small spiritual compromises, accompanied by a sense of entitlement. Satan is sure to spur us on in our compromises, by increasing our sense of entitlement.

We need to resist the temptation to make villains of one spouse or the other when we hear bits and pieces of marital stories, since no one knows the inner workings of a marriage, as I said. We do best to pray for our own marriage and the marriages within our churches. Because marriage. is. hard.

I resolve to prepare my daughters for the complexities of married life...for how many of us went into marriage wholly unprepared for the complexity, and had to make mistakes to learn how to dance well together? A lifelong marriage will have very low points, and only the strongest finish the race.

The world will scream for us to cut our losses, get out and start over, but the spiritually steadfast and long-suffering stay the course (though if you are being abused, put physical and emotional distance between you and the abuser, by all means).

And incidentally, when an adulterer remains unrepentant, he is abusing his wife emotionally and she is justified in leaving, with the Lord's blessing. Before it becomes clear that an adulterer is unrepentant, I believe the Lord would rather we keep our eyes on Him and proceed cautiously, though we can leave for adultery right away, if desired.

The world would have us believe that a women who stays is weak and stupid, but God's glory shines through us best when we focus on His character, rather than on what we deserve.

Kristen Welsh from We Are That Family successfully dealt with her husband's addiction to pornography (he's an ex youth pastor) and they have a strong marriage now. With our eyes on God instead of on our immediate heartache, marriage can persevere.

Anna Duggar is in the worst position she could possibly be in right now. This is a worldly perspective only. Anna Duggar is (let's assume), a born-again Christian and as such, she's got eternal life to look forward to, rather than eternal suffering. Contrary to Ms. Kirkland's sentiment, Anna is blessed beyond measure.

The 20-year-old woman who gets in a car accident a month before her wedding and becomes a paraplegic for life, is in a pretty awful situation, too, but like Anna's situation, it's part of the sin curse. We all suffer and everyone has devastating periods in their lives, whether they come early or later in our middle years. We all need divine strength to get through the day. We all need to be thankful for every day, and reminded that godliness with contentment is great gain.

Anna Duggar was crippled by her parents by receiving no education, having no work experience (or life experience, for that matter) and then was shackled to this loser because his family was famous in their religious circle. 

Anna was crippled by her parents? While at least a two-year degree or a vocational skill is desirable before marriage, the Bible does not ask us to put our hope in education. Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

The Bible does mandate one type of education--spiritual education, as outlined here:

Deuteromony 11:19 "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. "You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. "You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates,…

The Bible also teaches that if we put the Kingdom of God first, then God will provide for all of our daily needs, education or not--and I say this as someone who, as a former public educator, has been guilty in the past of worshiping education.

Matthew 6:32-34 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It's so easy for all of us to disregard this verse when our daily bread appears insecure, as it may for Anna right now, but God's Word stands firm, no matter our circumstances. When we make a commitment to live each day for his glory and give tomorrow to Him, our joy abounds.

How to Avoid a Josh Duggar Heart

Like my fellow believers, I've been sickened by the news of Josh Duggar's cheating ways, as well as by the commenters claiming that Christians are like everyone else, or even sicker. "If there was a God, they assert, he would change hearts. What evidence is there that Christians have better hearts? None."

Oh, my. This is certainly a compelling argument against religion, with pastors and parishioners falling left and right. We're even sicker, people assume, because we hide our sins deeper down, hoping to stay in the good graces of our fellow Bible-thumpers...or something like that.

My first thoughts were: How does a true Christian participate in ongoing sin--having these awful Ashley Madison accounts, for example, for two years? How do you eat at the family table, take care of your children, go about your family life, while living a lie? How are you not utterly miserable while doing this? How do you not worry about your wife's sexual health, which you are putting into jeopardy with your insane selfish acts--as well as the health of any unborn babies? How do you not worry about your children, who will be ashamed of their last name and their Daddy? How do you live with yourself everyday? How do you not break down and confess early on?

I still don't know the answer, and of course it's not my place to judge another's salvation. My purpose today is in offering wisdom as to how the rest of us can avoid ongoing sin.

I can witness to you about what happens within me when I pray before my family, confessing my sins. My friends, it is humbling, cleansing. It's as though you're using a toothbrush to get at the deepest grime between the tiles. Don't get too busy to pray humbly before your family, who love you and can help heal you.

It's possible to participate in corporate or private prayer without the confessing part, but this is not God's design. It's so easy to avoid examining our own hearts--especially when we're busy analyzing others' heart--but our heart's purity demands this examining step, daily.

If you said something unkind to your husband, for example, it will come up as you examine your heart during prayer time. The Holy Spirit will make sure it comes up. And your heart, as you confess and ask for forgiveness, will be softened against your husband, helping you avoid another unkind remark or heart stance.

If we don't keep up with a daily cleansing of the heart, we begin to feel like we have a right to our sinful feelings, attitudes, or behaviors. Our hearts harden and life becomes about us, not about loving God and our fellow man.

The Holy Spirit keeps us pure, but it's our job to turn to Him, boldly looking him squarely in the eyes, asking: search my heart and cleanse me.

I will go through The Lord's Prayer below, explaining how we are to model our prayers, but first, let us read about David's contrite heart after sinning against God.

I've always thought this a beautiful prayer, and I see it as God making beauty from ashes out of David's sin--in producing a heart model for us to follow after we have sinned. This Psalm is David's prayer after committing adultery with Bathsheba.

Psalm 51: A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

2Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

3For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

4Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

and justified when you judge.

5Surely I was sinful at birth,

sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

10Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

so that sinners will turn back to you.

14Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,

you who are God my Savior,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15Open my lips, Lord,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

16You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17My sacrifice, O God, is^b a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart

you, God, will not despise.

18May it please you to prosper Zion,

to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,

in burnt offerings offered whole;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Commonly known as the Lord's Prayer, but better termed The Disciple's Prayer, this is the model Jesus gave for how to pray. 

Matthew 6:9-13

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:


“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.

It starts, Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. When we go before our heavenly Father in prayer, we should begin with praising His holy name.

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Next, we should pray that the Lord will come back soon, and that more people will come to Christ beforehand, including our family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. God puts people in our path to pray for and influence, and we should remember them all at this time. The Lord desires that none shall perish.

Next, we should pray that we, and others, will live according to God's will, not our own--that God will work this into our hearts. 

Give us today our daily bread. We have nothing and deserve nothing outside of God's grace and will, and everything on the earth is the Lord's. We humbly acknowledge that we are utterly dependent on God; we ask him to provide everything we need to live on a daily basis: physical nourishment, shelter, clothing, spiritual strength, grace. We also pray for other's daily needs and petitions here.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. We pause a moment in prayer and let the Holy Spirit reveal our sins to us, so that we can name them and ask for forgiveness. We then ask that our hearts will be softened toward those who have offended us, so we can thoroughly forgive them.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. These two clauses belong together, and according to John Calvin's commentary, their meaning is thus:

“We are conscious Of our own weakness, and desire to enjoy the protection of God, that we may remain impregnable against all the assaults of Satan.” We showed from the former petition, that no man can be reckoned a Christian, who does not acknowledge himself to be a sinner; and in the same manner, we conclude from this petition, that we have no strength for living a holy life, except so far as we obtain it from God. Whoever implores the assistance of God to overcome temptations, acknowledges that, unless God deliver him, he will be constantly falling.

The Lord will make beauty from ashes out of Josh Duggar's sins, just like he did with King David's, though we may never see it. Josh's fall is a reminder to us all that, outside of prayer with confession, we will go likewise.

Daily life is so very busy, especially with young children around, but prayer need not take a long time, as we see from this model. There will be seasons of life when it can be luxuriously long, when children are gone and the house is still and quiet, perhaps. But in the meantime, we open ourselves up to sin and pain and shame, if we ever claim we are too busy to pray. Even five minutes with a spouse is significant and holy.

How does your family do prayer?

Do Not Worry About Money...Ever

For over ten years, the financial health of our family has been precarious. Precarious means: not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse.

Yes, that pretty much nails it.

I left full-time teaching when my first child was born, and worked part-time from home for the first three-and-a-half years of his life. I stunk at balancing home and work life, being nearly always behind schedule. All-nighters became the typical means I employed to catch up on paperwork before the homeschooling facilitating meetings I conducted for a public charter school in California, one week a month. I also taught a couple enrichment classes, but mostly, I worked from home.

Pregnant with my third child and two still in diapers, a nervous breakdown seemed likely. My husband, a Pennsylvania native, loved California but I told him I couldn't live that way anymore and could we please move to a cheaper state so I could stay home? No matter the numbers, I said. God says he will provide for those who seek first His Kingdom.

I studied the Bible and knew it was not my responsibility to support my family financially. As bad as that sounds in this modern era, it is true. Mothers can work, but they aren't required by God to do so if a husband is present and able-bodied. They are required to be good stewards of family resources, such as the Proverbs 31 woman was, but a breadwinner? No.

Before quitting work entirely my income twice benefited our family: in the purchase of our first home in California in 2001, and then in our cross-country move, our home here in Ohio in 2005. Not to mention that my teacher retirement, available in about six years, will cover our house payment for the following 14 years, until it's paid off. (Okay, that's assuming God won't let California go bankrupt before that--California being the holder of my teacher's retirement account).

So, I've done something to support our family financially, just not recently.

My husband? Terrified about describes his reaction to my request. The prospect of being relatively poor for the rest of our lives sent him into a depression he's never fully come out of--but he didn't say no to my request to be home full-time. He believed me when I confessed I was headed for a nervous breakdown.

I loved and still love mothering--believing it is who the Lord created me to be on earth--and I wanted to do it well for the glory of God. Leaving my two baby boys with a sitter several hours a week tore my heart in two. With a third child on the way, I knew what was needed.

A full-time mothering ministry. 

Day in and day out, I wanted my mothering work to express my gratitude for the little blessings God so graciously gifted to me. I wanted my roles in life to come from the Bible, not from the world. I believed and still do believe that the Lord will provide for my at-home mothering position--if I keep my eyes and heart on what is most important.

And despite my husband's fear, I knew the Lord would bless him with a solid legacy if he, too, lived out his biblical role for our family--knowing that the Bible doesn't command a man to support his family in style. A man just needs to feed, clothe, and shelter his family, through his obedience and through the Lord's provision.

I knew not to look for financial blessing from all this. Financially is only one way God blesses. If we do what he assigns us in the Bible to do, we are not promised a comfortable life in return. There are spiritual blessings from following God's word and they aren't necessarily externally manifested. Our struggling for ten years financially is not a curse, though it may look like it from the outside.

At times, this lifestyle is excruciatingly hard for all six of us. We're the "poorest" family in any church we attend (except for some of the single-parent homes), but it's a hidden thing mostly because our thrift store clothes look pretty good, and our van isn't too bad on the outside either.

We know being a part of America's working poor is far different than abject, or third-world poverty, so "poor" isn't a good description, but poverty is always a relative thing. If you're the only family who never goes to lunch after church and can't even afford a camping trip--much less a vacation or a movie out--than it translates to an impoverished feel...

...if you don't hold your thoughts captive for Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The minute we entertain coveting thoughts--or want more of the world's riches than we enjoy--our thoughts become sin. The result is disastrous if we don't heed the Holy Spirit's prickle and repent.

I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. I have greater faith than ever before though. As that faith continues to grow, my testimony deepens with each bill the Lord provides for. I know what it's like to wait for manna from the sky, rejoicing that it came just in time, but that doesn't mean I enjoy having to wait.

Sadly, I miscarried our third child shortly before our California-to-Ohio move--but after we'd sold our house and couldn't look back. I often think about the miracle of that timing. If we hadn't sold the house already, my husband may have withdrawn his consent to living poorly.

We moved in August, 2005. We got rid of all our bills and student loans by selling our modest 3-bedroom California home, and buying an inexpensive 3-bedroom Ohio home. We live on a cash basis and almost always buy used or do without. My home decor has seen no changes in ten years, unless you count little thrift-store trinkets that find their way to a shelf.

My husband is a low-wage earner, having earned a Bible college degree that never translated to financial success. He knows the Bible backwards and forwards though, which comes in handy often.

The financial numbers that should have concretely given us permission to do this, have never worked out to this day. We didn't have earthly "permission" for me to stay at home. It's entirely a daily act of faith. A daily testing of Matthew 6.

Matthew 6:19-21, 26-34 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also....No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[?28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We remain as sinful as the next person, and just this week I needed a popular Apologia Christian science textbook for the girls' science curriculum that I couldn't afford, and couldn't find used. I evaluated it and decided it was a need not a want, but at first I just downloaded the first sample chapter for free from the publisher, which wasn't going to last long.

Finally, impatient, I bought it new, but at a discount over the publisher price. Though I felt the purchase was consistent with seeking after God's Kingdom first, I preceded to worry about the money I spent.

But you know? Not ten minutes after I hit purchase, a homeschooling mother from homeschoolclassifieds.com finally responded to my inquiry. Yes, she still had the used textbook for $20 postage paid, and did I still need it? 

My heart went all a flutter.

I had just spent $34 on it after shipping, but thankfully, the purchase being less than fifteen minutes old, the company refunded me, no questions asked, and lo and behold, I now have a nice used textbook coming in the mail from a very nice homeschooling lady. 

Little did she know how God used her to bring me back into the fold of believing.

I immediately felt ashamed of myself that after ten years, I doubted God would provide...even though he has always provided for needs, unfailingly. He loves the last-minute scenario, never telling me of his plans, but asking me to trust him implicitly. He commands me...do not worry about money. Ever.

Please my friend, whatever your situation: Do Not Worry About Money, even if you've messed up with money. Study the Word and decide what "seeking after his Kingdom" will look like in your life. You are responsible for that, not for your daily needs.

Isn't it freeing to know that? His yoke really is easy and his burden, light.

Matthew 1:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”