Merry Christmas Letter 2017

Dear Friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We hope 2017 brought abundant blesses, new friends and more love into your lives.

We’ve had blessings and challenges in another whirlwind parenting year. Having four kids was a real physical challenge 9 years ago when Beth was born; I had four kids ages 7 and under. I’m not sure which is more challenging—that phase or having two teens and two tweens and being emotionally wrecked. Someone once told me you don’t get any more sleep when they’re older because they need to talk…a lot. We have some of those heart to hearts during the school day, thankfully, but yeah--parenting isn’t for sleep lovers.

Peter turns 16 January 11^th; Paul is 14; Mary is 11; Beth is 9. I’ll fill you in on what we’ve been doing collectively and then tell you a little about each child. Homeschooling eats up traveling money, but this year we did, with husband’s sister’s help, make it over to Lemar, Pennsylvania for the 4th of July to see my husband’s aunt and uncle, with his sister meeting us there. Adding our four to their cousin's grandkids, there were eight children in all, making it a blast getting reacquainted with my husband's family. We’re praying we can take the drive more often. Aunt Dot took us to see her delightful Amish friends, where a large litter of puppies and kittens greeted us. Every child’s dream! Peter and I talked farming with the homesteader while Mary and Paul took pictures of the animals, later entering them in a library photo contest and winning $75 between them, with Mary taking the first prize!

We’ve continued with the AWANA program this year, which runs from September until early May. Peter is in his second year of helping in the preschool class, and Miss Jill, the teacher, loves him. He’s gaining valuable experience in how to control a group of squirrelly kids by staying a few steps ahead of them, and he delights in the funny things they say and do. Peter has always appreciated children—it’s an unmistakable love that comes from a person’s core and causes the spirit to lighten whenever children are near.

Paul is in his last year of the AWANA Trek club (grades 6-8); Mary is in her last year of the Truth and Training club (grades 3-5), and Beth is in her first year of Truth and Training. I help with the middle schoolers, which uniquely connects me to what kids are going through in the public schools as the kids share their prayer requests and their trials and triumphs. I still love working with kids of any age really. This experience, though, helps confirm that homeschooling is still the right choice for each of our children going forward, although for a time we were considering putting Peter in a career vocational high school for his last two years, partially because his OCD gives him so little peace and working helps with that. We’ve all decided against that approach, however.

All four children work with me as door greeters at church, which is part of a push to have whole families serving together as much as possible; my husband works the information booth between services. The elderly people especially enjoy my girls opening the door for them, and will ask where they are when it’s the boys’ turn. If you have a picture in your mind of my girls standing there like model citizens, smiles awaiting, erase that picture. Beth twirls around like a graceful ballerina and Mary looks for bugs in the flowerbeds while they wait for people to arrive. I often have to cue them that someone is coming. Sometimes the overly heavy door gets in the way of remembering to smile, but still, they charm the socks off the cheerful people. And the grumpy people? After six months of door greeting and seeing the same families/people continually, I’ve decided that grumpy people probably don’t know another way to live. They’re the people who harbor irritation over the whole concept of door greeting.

Who knew how telling this job would be! The most joy-filled people who come through my door? They’re the kids and parents of kids ages birth through 12 years…and the more kids in the family the happier they are. Society sells lies about kids—they’re too expensive, they’ll make you slaves, you’ll lose your identity, you’ll have no retirement—and for the first time ever, Americans are having less than 2 children per family. That’s a lot less joy all around. According to statistics, I predict that quality of life and health will suffer in the long term.

This school year has the boys immersed in Spanish 1, Classical Literature and Composition, History of the Christian Church/Medieval History, Geometry/Algebra II (Paul), Algebra I/Geo (Peter), Biology with Lab, Career & College Readiness. In high school my lab partner (who I might have had a crush on) did most of the dissecting and this year my husband (who after eighteen years I sometimes still crush on) will be supervising the dissecting. Our literature class, always my favorite, encompasses some poetry, Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre, The Merry Adventures of Robinhood, a biography of Pontius Pilate, Pilgrim’s Progress in Today’s English, Robinson Crusoe, A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, Pride and Prejudice, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Twelfth Night, The Screwtape Letters, and ten other less famous works.

The girls, also taught together, are finishing a long (2.5 years) study of American history. In March they’ll begin a yearlong study on Eastern Hemisphere literature and history, followed by two years of world history.

Last Spring we used Wednesdays for a Homeschool Co-op, but in the teen years mental illnesses often worsen. This fall we declined Co-op to concentrate on seeing a counselor for Peter’s OCD, ADHD, and new disorder developed in March, called Trichotillomania, which is a subset of OCD (a hair pulling disorder). By June, Peter didn’t have many eyebrows left and was pulling out his eyelashes and through the summer was working on small bald spots in his head. Mary’s had a storm phobia for a number of years and this year, instead of improving, it worsened. She started seeing a counselor in August, and Peter in September, after being on a waiting list for a few months.

When we found these two counselors, I thought things would improve for us. Maybe Peter’s counselor could at least help with ADHD life coaching and the hair pulling, I surmised (OCD therapists are $100+ an hour). I’d become stressed and worried about so many things, including suicide because anxiety is extremely draining and kids don’t tolerate it as well as adults, which our culture doesn’t understand; I knew I had to keep a very close eye on them. Mary’s counselor, although pleasant, planned things that were more appropriate for a younger child. Mary didn’t improve and claims she got nothing out of it.

And Peter? I sat in on those meetings per the counselor’s request. I got an upfront view of the process, which was not the case with Mary. The counselor ending up knowing less than I did about some of Peter’s issues and had nothing to add, other than to ask Peter each week what worked when he experienced this or that symptom. He then wrote the things Peter narrated on a notecard and sent it home with Peter. He didn’t teach. As an educator, that irritated me. If you really want to help people with emotional disorders, you want to teach them about the mind, don’t you? How is your mind tricking you? What must you do to counter it so you can go on with your life?

Now, Peter still does therapy, but at home with me and Mary and Paul. They’re learning that anxiety is nothing more than your brain telling you lies. And their job? To practice catching the lies and replacing them with truth.

I watch them closely and no one is ever left home alone, but I’m learning to give them over to the Lord, knowing he has every hour of their lives planned according to his purposes, and that I can’t save anyone. The best parental move is not healing your own children, but introducing them to the Healer. We replace the lies in the brain with His truth…that he loves us with a perfect love, that we are worthy because he gave us our worth, that he is mighty to save, that he doesn’t make mistakes, that he is working all things according to the good of those who love him. I can see the peace in my children now after one of our counseling sessions, which marry Christian counseling with what man has learned about the mind. Biblical counseling sites provide storehouses of valuable materials for free online. While I provide sound advice for their souls and minds, it’s still up to them to make choices for themselves going forward. Ultimately, for my own peace, I have to remove myself from their choices and keep on praying. Wellness from emotional disorders is always a choice—it’s a daily choice, a fighting choice, but still a choice. Anxiety takes many victims and I choose hope. I have warned them of the pitfalls—that people will tell you, take this or that to relax--that America has an addiction crisis primarily because of untreated anxiety and don’t ever say yes to artificial relaxation. Go to the Prince of Peace.

Beth, at 9, is very loving and affectionate. Just this morning she declared she’ll be a librarian or a teacher. While skilled at writing, she says it’s not her favorite. She enjoys dancing, reading, drawing, stuffed animals, swinging at parks, hiking, talking to her friend Isabelle on the phone, and playing make believe with her sister, who only sometimes obliges now that she’s eleven. What stands out about Beth every morning is that she starts school immediately, even before breakfast, and stays focused until she’s done. I asked for a new rheumatologist for her several months ago—a young doctor from Turkey who is fabulous. Previously on three drugs for her rheumatoid arthritis, she is now on only one (Orencia administered via IV once a month) and so far, there are no problems associated with dropping the other two. She requested a guinea pig for Christmas and Daddy compromised with a hamster, who will be joining our family shortly—one just like her sister’s long-haired Syrian hamster.

Mary, at 11, became a real bookworm this year. She enjoys reading, hiking, inventing new things using motors from discarded toys (pleads with Daddy to take her to the junkyard for raw materials for her inventions), and caring for her hamster. Fishing has become a real summer highlight for her! The children go fishing with Daddy (who hates fishing but likes birding) nearly every weekend in late spring through the fall. Sometimes Paul stays with me, but often he goes fishing; Mary always catches the most fish. Mary’s an able athlete and fierce competitor in sports and in board games with her siblings. The boys are heavily into chess and she goes to a chess club with them once a month, just starting to improve her game.

Mary’s greatest storm fear is that the roof will blow off the house and she’ll die. Every bad storm or threat of a storm is like the last day of her life; it’s a huge weight to carry and distraction is all that works at the present time. The hardest thing is if I’m on a grocery run and a storm brews up, my husband calls me to calm down what looks like a panic attack starting in her. The breathing exercises work, but she needs to learn to do them solo; Peter is good at working with her if we’re driving and a storm brews.

Paul loves chess, attending and following our local university's basketball and football games with his dad (who often gets free tickets), playing basketball in the driveway, attending youth group and AWANA, math, cooking and baking, playing Christmas songs on the piano (for fun; he doesn’t take lessons), and somehow he enjoys taking practice SAT tests wherever he can find them. He wants to do something with engineering someday. Paul and I are partners in trying to stay sane around here; he encourages my heart and always has something nice to say, even though he has struggles of his own. I’m careful to remind Paul that God’s got my back. It’s easy to feel like a huge failure when you have kids with mental disorders. I have to drown out a lot of noise to hear the truth…that God loves me, that I am not a failure as a mother, that God has a purpose for our struggles, a purpose bigger than we are, a purpose that will bring Him glory and our hearts closer to Him.

I think of Martin Luther, Father of the Reformation, who suffered from OCD, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder, none of which God healed. No one knew about OCD (he had the same type as Peter) or Bipolar in the 1500’s (Luther was accused of a lot of things due to his peculiar behaviors). God used him mightily, flawed, sinful man that he was. He was no hero, just God’s instrument. The OCD that tortured him from an early age? It was the catalyst for his rebellion against a saved-by-works heresy, against indulgences and a rich Church that used poor believers mercilessly. The big picture was that God wanted the Bible in every home and Luther was the man he chose to do it—though it was the Church’s greatest fear: that the common people would know Truth. The Bible, which Luther took ten years to translate into the common language, then became the catalyst for literacy. God loves us perfectly, scandalously, yes, but we exist for his glory and that’s a hard concept when you just want your healing prayers answered so you can live comfortably. Living joyfully as God’s instrument is a desire the Holy Spirit grows in us over time.

Peter loves fishing and chess equally—one to occupy summer and the other, winter. He enjoys fixing things and career assessments point to technician, or agricultural worker, etc. He’s had his own lawn-mowing business since age 13, now working with five neighbors. He keeps a used lawn mower going, ordering and paying for his own parts. Farming is something he keeps coming back to in terms of career, but it’s hard to say what he’ll choose. Ohio State offers two-year agricultural degrees, which is a current goal, with the aim of working toward owning his own farm.

I've been absent a long time from this blog, and I haven't read any blogs, but I've thought of you and I've wanted to get back here. I just lost my voice, so to speak. I wish you and your family a blessed 2018! 

Merry Christmas!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

The Real Reason for Discouragement

After a particularly hard week with too little sleep and too much turmoil, I had nothing left.

Just. nothing.

Most days I'd gone to bed utterly discouraged, feeling guilty that as a parent and wife, I was out of patience and ideas and grace. The stresses of my son's mental illness depleted my hope for the future, or even for the next day. Aggravating it was my sleep deprivation, hormones, and financial stress. Just like everyone else, I had multiple problems.

Pining for heaven, I understood once again what it meant to be broken. It's hard to grasp, isn't it, that the Lord wants us broken? Christianity can be a pretty hard sell.

Hey everyone...become a Christian so you can identify with Jesus' suffering in your daily life. Grace is a beautiful Christian word, but can suffering be beautiful? When witnessing to people we leave that detail out in favor of the enticing parts, like peace and joy and hope.

I became a Christian at age 31, but it wasn't until I lost my first child at 20 weeks gestation that brokenness entered my consciousness  I was 34 and it was the first time I'd wanted the Lord to take me home.

Three of my children tell me they don't want to go to heaven yet; they want to grow up and have families. Already they understand that the best part of an earthly life is loving and being loved, in the context of family. They know intellectually that heaven is better than marriage and kids, but they still can't imagine foregoing these perks of being human.

Peter alone perhaps, due to his OCD, knows what brokenness feels like. Inasmuch as his condition is a tragedy, understanding brokenness at an early age is a gift. It clarifies early that it's not about us. We aren't supposed to wake up each day expecting a smooth transition through the hours. We can't jump from one self-indulging ritual after another, expecting low resistance to our selfishness.

Instead, each day begs for self-denial. Joy does exist in self-denial, in following Christ, in embracing the messiness of life, but it's not a worldly joy.

John 14:27 tells us: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I would have to describe the peace He gives as the best kind of fellowship we can ever experience. The peace He gives is a taste of heavenly joy. Peace is to be filled with His love. Family love is wholly insufficient for our souls. It will always leave us wanting, searching. Though beautiful and a gift from God, a healthy family can't be all that we hope for or pursue.

Our souls crave Him. He conceived and designed our souls and only He can fill them.

The Holy Spirit reminded me this week that my exhaustion and emptiness weren't actually because of OCD or ADHD or hormones or sleep deprivation or economic insufficiency, although they certainly made a compelling argument and defense.

The real source was too little time with Peace the Person...with the Lord my God, who promises to quiet me by his love.

I went to the Lord and read about his truth, his love, his faithfulness, his majesty, his grace, his love...and I was filled to overflowing, ready to dig deep for the patience, grace and love my family and community need from me. We give to others out of the abundance we receive from the Lord. If you're empty, it's because you're not filled. It's obvious, but also easy to forget.

These three gifts--peace, joy, hope--are not a mirage or a sham, but neither are they automatic.

Christ died for us so we could have life--so He could enjoy relationship with us. Believing on Him is our ticket to heaven, but not necessarily our ticket to peace, joy, and hope. Those come from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ--a relationship that is ongoing. They come from bathing in His Word, from crying out to Him in prayer, from worshiping him through song and from a quiet and receptive heart.

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Learning Something Big

There are a lot of upsetting things happening and I haven't had the heart to write. I can't tie these upsetting things into a nice, neat bow, and say that God's grace is ever-present and it's all okay. His grace is still there, but it isn't okay. I keep looking for normalcy to return, but I'm not sure it will. We might be adjusting to a new normal.

Our son Peter is extremely difficult to deal with on a daily basis. His OCD is still pretty bad, and with it comes rages. This is not uncommon with OCD, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm on Amazon looking for anger management books for teens...I'm praying and counseling and trying to hope, but he seems so selfish, so self-absorbed, so angry, so ill. I know he's suffering, but somehow I think the rest of us are always suffering more, at his hands.

There have been major plumbing issues and other home maintenance issues plaguing us for weeks, so every day brings something different. Some days, I'm not sure plumbing is a blessing. It gets pretty complicated and suddenly carrying water indoors seems easier.

Any disruption of routine is always a huge factor in the worsening of both OCD an ADHD, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how awful life feels right now.

Last week my 93-year-old father-in-law fell on his driveway while checking his mail, so my husband is in Florida, having arrived the day after his father's partial hip replacement, which was a high risk surgery due to congestive heart failure. My father-in-law made it through the surgery with a steady heart rate throughout, which was a big answer to prayer.

The sad thing is, he only behaved decently to my husband for about the first three hours of their visit. Now my husband is stuck there until Wednesday with a incredibly cranky, insulting father, who just can't be nice for anything. My heart is so sad for my husband. I've prayed that my FIL would tell his children that he loved them just once before he died, but it looks like things are getting worse with his attitude, not better.

My FIL knows he cannot continue to care for himself, which is huge. Last time he fell, he went against medical advice and moved back into his home, after defiantly leaving the rehab center. He refused all medications and now, nearly three years later, his heart is functioning at 20% to 30%, depending on which doctor is talking. He is dying of congestive heart failure, but there is no massive swelling, so I don't think he is in the final stage.

My husband is looking at rehab/nursing homes, and trying to get his dad to cooperate with decision making. All this with little help from my sister in law. Her dad has treated her so badly, she doesn't want to spend any time with him, though earlier this week she called him for the first time in seven years. He was on a lot of morphine at that time, so the conversation wasn't that painful.

I understand why she made the decision not to visit her father. I know from my own experience that a parent can inflict surprisingly deep pain, and at some point you have to stay away to stop the internal bleeding it causes in the heart.

And you know what? I think God understands this. I don't blame anyone for abandoning, so to speak, an abusive parent. Abusing someone is sin, and we don't have to participate in someone's sin. Sometimes mental illness brings on the abuse and maybe that should be handled differently--perhaps not seen as a choice--but even then, I don't blame someone who needs to get away from the bleed.

I will try to go to my mother when she is near death, but I won't go expecting anything miraculous. I will go because end of life is just that...the end. We need to say I love you once again. We need to say thank you for being my mother (father) and taking care of me when I was young. At the end of our abusive parent's life, the wounds they've caused won't disappear, but they'll be tied off at the ends, hopefully.

Forgiveness is an ongoing exercise, and you're successful at it if you just keep going forward, even if a couple steps back occur occasionally.

When I think of my FIL's life, I am so saddened for my husband and his sister, and for their dad as well. Here is a man who was faithful to God as a Christian in many ways, and yet he couldn't love. He never had a model of love growing up, and suffers from some kind of attachment disorder from having been raised by a mentally challenged mother and no father. Then, too, there was the OCD, which clouded his vision of Christ's love.

As soon as his two children took their first breath, they were destined for pain at the hands of their father. Life is beautiful and tragic all at once.

I keep looking for God to redeem the tragedy of the story here, but it isn't happening. It's a good thing the Bible teaches us that life here is fleeting.

For all my little troubles (yes, I know they are little), I can't help but learn something big.

Sometimes, things remain ugly and untidy here on earth. Ashes don't always morph into beauty, even with Jesus on the job. They stay ugly and grey and hopeless. It's hard to accept, but don't be taken by surprise if it happens to you or someone you know.

But we can still rejoice because of...

....Heaven.

Heaven redeems all pain. Our peace here often depends on how high we can get our thoughts. Can we get them up into heaven, where there is no more mourning, no more pain?

God asks this of us. He allows trials because of this. A glimpse of our final resting place is available for us even here. We just have to get our thoughts high enough, far enough above the fray.

Working on it, friends. I'm working on it....

Gratitude Journal

Some of these are blessings that come through tears, and some are no-strings-attached blessings. One thing my life story teaches me is that a blessing is whatever situates you at the Lord's feet, either to adore Him, or draw strength from Him.

~ My daughter Beth's arthritis seems to have spread to the knuckles in both hands, but despite that, she remains happy, energetic, and is still intent on drawing prolifically, hoping to illustrate books some day. She inspires me, which helps me absorb the disappointment that God is thus far choosing not to heal her aggressive arthritis (despite using all the medicines available). However, she is not in a wheelchair, which would have been her fate in the past. We still have much to remain thankful for with modern medicine.

~ My husband's steadfast, genuine love.

~ My daughters' sweet hugs and kisses multiple times a day.

~ Though my Peter struggles mightily with his OCD, he still pledges allegiance to God and believes that through God's strength, he will beat this. It's very stressful for the whole family, but the siblings mercy him and pray for him, rather than resent him. And for that, I'm very grateful.

~ The blessing of homeschooling.

~ Learning to love people for themselves, and not for what we hope them to be. As soon as we let go of our expectations, we can truly appreciate the people God has strategically placed in our lives. When you're grading a paper, expectations are good. When you're training children to clean up after themselves, expectations are good. When you're trying to love your fellow man, expectations can get in the way.

"While we were sinners, Christ died for us." He loved us, despite our flaws. Trust is conditional--people have to earn and maintain our trust--but love should be unconditional. That's not to say you stay in proximity of people who are abusing you. We can unconditionally love someone just by praying for them consistently. We can't bring ourselves to pray for someone unless we've allowed, or forced, our heart to love them.

~ Instead of co-teaching AWANA Cubbies (preschoolers), I'm co-teaching AWANA Trek this year, which is the middle school club. I'm enjoying that very much.

~ Children growing in knowledge of the Lord and His ways.

~ God's amazing provision, which never fails.

~ Wisdom and stamina from the Lord, as I deal with health issues and homeschooling and scheduling.

~ New kind lady friends at church, one of whom I co-teach with in Trek.

~ That God loves story and gives us all a personal, compelling story--stories that reflect his glory and fill us with living water.

image

Hope in His Power

God, the lover of my soul, gives me hope. Scarcely a half hour goes by before any despair I experience is replaced with Hope. Sometimes, it's in the form of tangible evidence he gives me about the future.

Last week, my son Peter had to respond to a writing warm-up from Apologia's Jump In Writing Curriculum. His prompt was God has given me...

He writes thus...

God has given me the gift of teaching. When I teach I feel God speaking through me. I can find so much to teach about in the Bible. It is the book of life that I live by, and the best book ever written. It has a lot of great advice in it.

This simple paragraph gives me hope because it speaks of my son's passion, of his confidence in the Lord and in Scripture, and in God's provision for his life's work. It helps me believe that despite any disabilities, God will use my son for His glory. Indeed, he already is.

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence,

The One Thing You'll Never Regret

Romans 11:36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Do you worry about the future and what it holds for your children?

As a mother I have legitimate reason to worry about my children, but I try not to. When the waves of despair threaten me, I do a stubborn about-face and go in search of joy, instead.

God is too powerful, too gracious, too faithful, for me to fret. I know it's a sin, besides.

But the signs are all there. Signs of series mental illness in more than one of my children. One, who previously wasn't a source of much worry, is displaying early bipolar signs.

It's hard not to feel terror when I assess the situation and see the tell-tale signs.

That's one side of my life circumstances.

The other is this: my children delight me with their love, their sibling relationships, their unique intelligences, their sweetness, their evangelistic efforts with more and more neighbor children.

I see their gifts, their huge hearts, their worship of the Savior, and I'm overjoyed.

Life is like that...like a teeter-totter. On the one hand is immense joy, and on the other hand, intense sorrow.

When I'm at my best spiritually I know the Lord's holding it all in balance; there isn't a single detail he's going to forget about, or fail to cover for in his ultimate plan.

I don't have a crystal ball to see the adult outcome for my affected children, whether it's missionary work, a lucrative self-employment, a professorship, or even a subsidized apartment on disability. Success or failure, I can't predict. The statistics don't help me, because the mentally ill can get by fine, or they can falter, crash and burn.

I have no control at all. We're stubborn and sorely mistaken when we insist we yet wield some control over the future.

So much happens to the adolescent brain and my little girls may not escape something mental themselves. Mental illness can get worse or first appear around that time, and usually persists for a lifetime, at great cost to loved ones and to the sufferers.

I've learned to do the only thing I can do--I spend an inordinate amount of time pointing my children to Jesus, the Healer.

Maybe you don't have these concerns with your own children. Maybe everything about their futures looks promising.

Still, you don't have any control either. I highly recommend spending an inordinate amount of time pointing them to the Savior. 

It's the one thing you'll never regret.

Or the one thing you'll wish you'd done.

If it's the former in your case, your child's life will reflect His glory. His glory with eclipse any pain, suffering, or sadness. And let me tell you...these aren't just some soothing words on a screen. They're my reality.

He. is. faithful. Hallelujah.

Hebrews 1:3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high...

Be a 24-Hour Christian

James 4:13-16 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.

So many times when things have been tough in my life, I've wondered deep inside: "How will I get through this?"

I'm stronger now in middle age than ever before, but I'm still often drained by the effects of the sin curse and everyday problems.

"How will I get through another school year with Peter's OCD? How will he?

"How will I get through another year of perimenopause, with the hot flushes in earnest now and the headaches worse than ever?"

"How will I make the tithe next week?

How will we afford private colleges costing $45,000 a year?

What if the major drugs Beth is taking for her arthritis lead to cancer or infertility?

How will I get through that speech, that test, that appointment?

How will I keep up with the homeschooling and the house? 

You often hear people say that God spoke to them. God told me to do this or that. It's hard not to feel skeptical about such statements, but once in a while, I really do feel God speak to me directly.

Today was one of those times, during church in fact.

Peter often cries quietly in church (and during devotions) because anything spiritual triggers his OCD. I can't tell you how hard and hurtful it is to see these tears, knowing how much my son loves the Lord. His type of OCD is called scrupulosity and it's centered around thoughts of sin and Satan--fears and thoughts that he loves Satan rather than God, or that he is going to turn to a life of sin. The thoughts and fears are so powerful that even though they don't make sense and aren't consistent with who he is, he has a hard time dismissing them.

Mind you, these are all very typical OCD thoughts. For hundreds of years other OCD sufferers have had the exact same thoughts and for a time, before OCD was better understood, this particular manifestation of it was termed religious melancholy.

I've counseled Peter many times that it isn't the thoughts that make him ill. It's his reaction to them.

The same can be said of all of us. It isn't our hardships that make life so challenging. It's our reaction to them.

Peter and I tiptoed out of service, so I could calm him down before his youth class started, scheduled right after service. When I counsel him, I don't reassure him about the specific thoughts, because that makes the condition worse. Families, unknowingly, make OCD worse by participating in their children's rituals, which only perpetuates the harmful cycle.

Instead, I reminded him that: Yes, this disorder is cruel and excruciatingly hard, but he needed to remember that we are on this earth just a nano second, and then Paradise begins and never ends. We don't know why God allows babies to be born who can't speak, hear, walk, roll over, or eat. We don't know why he allows children to be in drug-addicted homes, or children the world over to be abused and left for dead.

It is endless, the appalling things God doesn't stop on this earth. We can't comprehend how God can be loving, and yet so willing to allow excruciating pain. We blame him for not making the world a kinder, gentler place.

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, blamed God, essentially, for creating the serpent who deceived her. And Adam? Didn't he blame the woman God gave to him--so in essence he blamed God, too?

But God is not responsible for the sin curse. Our free will is. He decided to punish us, but we decided to sin. Indeed, we wouldn't have done any better in the Garden of Eden than Eve or Adam did. They truly represent us, in all our childish, sinful ways.

God is only asking you, Peter, to endure this OCD for a nano second, compared to the plans he has for you in Paradise. That's how he can allow such pain in your life, or in anyone's life. He knows the magnitude of your joy in Heaven, compared to your trials here on earth.

Your OCD, I told him, will not always be this bad. Through God's grace, you will learn to accept the thoughts and not fight them or panic over them. Your nervous system will cease it's fight or flight reaction every time an awful but senseless thought occurs in your brain, and the cycle will be broken. You will feel free again, though there's no cure on earth. Eventually, the thoughts, in times of stress, may still appear, but will become faint background noise you can ignore.

The same is true for us. The longer we live, the less we will despair over our trials. The longer we live, the greater the grace we'll be willing to extend to others. The longer we live, the more we'll be willing to say: To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Peter, listening to me intently, told me he realizes more every day that he was created to do mission work. His heart leaps for joy over the prospect of mission work, and he fears his OCD will mess that up.

24 hours, I told him. Just live the next 24 hours, and let God handle tomorrow.

God clearly told me today: Life is a 24-hour endeavor. He also said his manna is given on a daily basis for a reason. The future doesn't belong to us, but to Him. It is His. We are His. Tomorrow is not ours to plan or worry about.

For the next 24 hours, just love me, He asks. That's all you have to do. Surrender unto me your agenda, your hopes and dreams, your troubles and worries, and even your pain. I will give you everything you need to live the next 24 hours, freeing you up to just love me and delight in me, as I delight in you.

Every 24 hours is an opportunity for another heart to say yes to the Cross. That's the Lord's agenda every day, every hour. That's why he tarries. That's why the sin curse and suffering haven't ended yet, and Paradise hasn't begun yet for the Christian.

God assures us we have food for today, strength for today, joy for today, grace for today.

And about the future? What does God tell us about the future, specifically? Reading all these verses below, we can begin to comprehend the heart of God regarding the future.

When tomorrow is no longer thought of as yours, but His, today becomes all the sweeter for it.

Psalm 40:5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Luke 12:32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

John 15:1-5 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ...

Suffering and Surrender

My special-needs son put a huge hole in his wall today because OCD made him frustrated and angry and he just didn't know what to do with his angst.

Though he possesses expert knowledge about how to handle OCD thoughts--he could teach a class on it, in fact--he isn't ready to heed his own advice. The thoughts are too strong and controlling and scary and it just seem easier to do the rituals (not that holes in the wall are a ritual--that was anger at his plight in life).

The rituals, if continued, get worse and they steal away every moment, until there's no life left. Just pain.

It's like the self-aware drug addicts who know quitting will involve a long, painful withdrawal process, so they put it off. It just seems impossible to muster up the courage.

Only those with OCD can understand, and the rest of us just scratch our heads.

You mean you drove around the block ten times, looking for someone you ran over, even though you know you really didn't run anyone over? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you were an hour late to your next class because you washed your hands over and over in the student bathroom, in tears the whole time, knowing they weren't really dirty? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you can't go near children because you are afraid you are a pedophile, even though the whole idea is repulsive and evil to you, and you know you would never act in such a way? Or you won't go near the same sex because you are afraid you are gay, even though you are not attracted to the same sex, and you know deep down you are not gay? Yes...but I don't feel sure.

Yes, OCD sufferers do all these things and more (though my son doesn't have any of these obsessions, yet, and perhaps won't ever. But they are among the most common). OCD people are of average or above-average intelligence, and very sensitive, kind, gentle people. The things they find most repulsive or disturbing become their obsessions. It's a horrid, cruel brain disorder.

None of it makes one iota of sense and they know it, but they can't stop avoiding, or ritualizing, or going over and over things in their heads (ruminating is done instead of rituals, for some sufferers--called Pure-O OCD, meaning pure obsession, but no compulsions).

OCD is a disease of uncertainty. They can't handle any uncertainty and the battle to be sure of something becomes their downfall.

They have to learn to say..."Well, maybe I did run someone over. So what?"

"Maybe I really do love Satan..so what?"

"Maybe one of Satan's angels really is coming at me...so what?"

"Maybe I really will stab my husband with a knife...so what?"

"Maybe I really am gay,..so what?"

"Maybe I really am going to die (or throw up) (or a family member is going to die) from germs on my hands...so what?"

"Maybe I really did leave the burner on and the house is going to blow up...so what?"

They have to neutralize the thoughts so they can stop reacting to them, but even thinking of these neutralizing sentences fills them with horror and shame. They can't bring themselves to do it, so they get worse and keep reacting with flight or fight mode. Medication sometimes, for some of them, makes the thoughts less powerful, so they can begin to think about their therapy techniques.

In adolescence, when fear is very hard to fight for hormonal reasons, therapy is difficult at best.

Sufferers have to accept that there is a buzzing bee (bad thoughts) in the room with them. Accept is good, to fight or run or panic is bad. 

"The bad thought doesn't have anything to do with who I am. It's just a brain glitch."

While this statement sounds easy to us, it's terribly difficult for them to believe...even though they know it's true.

There is no cure for OCD and even when the vicious cycle gets broken, and they are leading normal lives again, there will always be, in times of stress, buzzing bees in the room that they have to continue to ignore to stay well. The minute they give in and do a ritual, they're possibly in trouble again.

Experts did a study and found that all people have similar thoughts occasionally, but our normal brains know right away to file the thoughts away as nonsense. We don't react to nonsense thoughts.

But the OCD sufferers? The thought-filter in their brain doesn't work. The thoughts come in with a DANGER sign..an ALERT sign. Their body reacts in flight or fight mode, with high adrenaline and fear, which are so powerful their brain compels them to do a crazy ritual, that for some reason temporarily decreases the anxiety. But the more rituals they do, the less the rituals work to decrease anxiety, and then a full-blown life-crisis exists. They can't fulfill their responsibilities on time or with ease because their rituals eat up the day and drive them insane.

Right now there is nothing I can do except pray and continue to counsel, until God see fit to heal my son or give him the courage he needs to absorb the discomfort of not doing a ritual, long enough to stop the chain reaction--obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief. Obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief.

Absorbing discomfort and pain is hard.

When I get a migraine, I take something for it because if I don't, I eventually have to lie very still in a dark room with no noise or interaction, and at some point I usually vomit, too.

What the OCD sufferer has to do to get better is stop taking the "medicine", so to speak (stop doing the ritual that temporarily relieves the anxiety). They have to, in essence, allow the throbbing headache and nausea to come, unhindered. They have to suffer to get better...and who wants to suffer? It's human nature to run kicking and screaming away from suffering.

God allows life to break us and that is so hard to fathom, isn't it? If you're broken, you know you're ready for heaven. Your mindset has ceased to be on earthly things and you just want to go Home.

Peter, husband, and I? We just want to see Jesus. The rest of the family isn't broken...yet. They have big plans.

And plans are good, but we can't ever assume we accomplish anything through our own intelligence or our own strength. The minute we gloat, God takes us down a peg or two. He allows suffering to refine us. To humble us. He works for our good, even when life seems like a big disaster.

I have to go to an AWANA meeting this Wednesday to become a Cubbies (preschool) leader. Oh, I tried to get out of it at first, but I prayed about it and then told the director that if she didn't get another Cubbies leader during the summer, than I would do it. I will be among three Cubbies leaders in a large class, taking turns with the various duties.

Do you know what I hoped? That God would realize my son's disorders are too taxing on me and my family, and that someone else could surely do it instead.

But God didn't agree. It's me who loves preschoolers, and me who loves teaching God's word.

If God wants me to work for Him with vigor and cheerfulness, why does he allow such sorrow in my life? I feel too weak and sorrowful today to even make that meeting, much less show up and do a good job at Cubbies on September 2nd.

Do you wonder these things, too? Do you want to crawl under a barrel and let everyone else--the ones with normal lives--do all the work for God?

Let me tell you a secret.

Surrender it all to God. Hopes, dreams, plans, ego, pride...the right to stay home and wallow.

And just show up.

Every single day, no matter how hard your trials are, just show up.

Show up to hug your boy--even though he's made you a wreck--to say you're so terribly sorry he's suffering, and that you'll be praying for him all day, and that Jesus loves him, and that he is fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who knows every hair on his head.

Realize that it's the sin curse you're battling, not your son or daughter. 

If the problem is with your marriage, realize it's the sin curse you're battling, not your spouse.

God doesn't ask us to carry our own burdens. We attempt to carry them all the time, but it's sin--it's not obedience to his will.

If we show up, he is faithful to teach the Cubbies through us.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us the gentleness and patience we need to work with a sick or troubled child.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us a listening, quiet spirit to win our husband's love.

He will walk us through our hardest parenting days...our hardest marriage days...our hardest personal suffering days.

We don't have any answers--but he has them all. We don't have any insight--but he has it all planned out. We don't have any stamina or strength--but he's omnipotent and omniscient. 

Omnipotence means God is all-powerful. He has supreme power and no limitations. Omniscience means God is all-knowing. He knows everything--past, present, and future. There is nothing about which he's unaware.

So take that huge load off your back...whatever it is. Let your Heavenly Father soothe you and quiet you by his love. You don't have to understand. You just have to get filled up (prayer, Bible, worship), and show up, ready to be used for his glory. 

The more broken we are, the more desperately and humbly we go for our filling. The more filled we are, the more eagerly we show up to let him shine...knowing full well that on our own, we are nothing.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

image

Curriculum for 2015-16: Eighth Grade

2015-16 Curriculum 

Peter, age 13, and Paul, age 11

Both entering 8th Grade

We started back to a regular, full-time school schedule; here are the basic curriculum choices for the boys:

Literature and History: Sonlight Core H - World History Part 2

We bought this core in February, 2015, and are continuing with it this year. The boys will read both the readers and read-alouds to extend the curriculum. Late June through July they took a break from Sonlight to read other literature, but they're back at it now.

Read Alouds: I'm reading aloud from the complete Elsie Dinsmore series (28 books) and from other devotionals. There's a great deal of Scripture and character training contained in the Elsie Dinsmore books. We're thoroughly enjoying them, with the kids hanging on every word. This series also qualifies as historical fiction, containing historical facts and opinions from the mid- to late-1800's, including the politics of the Civil War, and the beginnings of the Ku Klux Klan following the war.

While I'm currently finishing up book 1 with the family, I just finished book 5 on my own. We're all spurred on in our faith by Elsie's delightful, pious, Christ-like character. My little girls are so inspired that they're reading their Bibles faithfully, with help from Momma, and even trying to memorize passages like Elsie does. Elsie is very careful about her devotional times, letting nothing in the way of her time with the Lord.

Geography - NorthStar Geography  (starting second semester)

Grammar - Easy Grammar

Writing - Responding to the Sonlight novels via essay questions Mom assigns. We will also use Apologia's Jump In: A Workbook for Reluctant and Eager Writers.

Spelling: All About Spelling

Math: Teaching Textbooks Pre-Algebra and Khan Academy. Paul loves math and is quite the expert at it, so I may get him a used Saxon text to amuse himself with, as well. He will also continue with computer programming on Khan Academy.

Science: Apologia General Science & Apologia Physical Science My boys received an excellent overview of science from Sonlight Science, used during all their elementary years. We will use the Apologia General Science course to fill in any holes in their knowledge, and to get used to a textbook format, and then go on to Physical Science, which is recommended for 8th grade (although it can also be done in 9th grade).

Don't ask me how we birthed a math expert, since husband and I both have our limitations in this area. Outside of her dyslexic difficulties with backward numerals, Beth grasps math concepts well also.

Paul is all we need around here as math instructor, which takes a load off this Momma's mind. So far I can still help Peter as needed, who is finishing up 7th grade Teaching Textbooks this summer. When I'm not available, Paul is always willing. I had a year of calculus in college but of course I don't remember a thing, so going forward, I either relearn with Peter or allow Paul to be tutor. Thankfully, he enjoys teaching.

Some Thoughts On Teaching Learning-Disabled, Or Learning-Difference Students

All four of my children have dyslexia to varying degrees, with Paul's case being very mild, and the girls having the most difficulty with reading. Peter and Mary both have dyscalculia also, and Peter has dysgraphia--all explained below.

Thankfully, the Teaching Textbook curriculum format allows Peter to be fairly independent, regardless. Hints are given as an option, and students can do the problems over once (though not on quizzes). If they're really stumped, they can have the answer explained for them, but Peter is diligent to try again before seeing answers. I have a hunch his OCD won't let him look at the solutions unless he's desperate. All this makes math time consuming and causes congestion at our only PC, but we hope to get that remedied next semester.

Today Peter told me math is comparatively easy when he isn't plagued by his OCD rituals during the lesson. That said, it still took him an hour and forty-five minutes to do 26 problems, due to the dyscalculia, which encompasses everything from difficulty with computation and fact recall, to difficulty writing out the problems neatly enough to follow one's own work. Careless mistakes are so commonplace that correct answers are rarely achieved the first time while doing the multi-step problems characteristic of 7th grade and higher math.

Long-term memory issues also play a part, in that these students have difficulty remembering random facts not associated with a narrative or a visual, such as math facts, days of the week, and months of the year. Dyscalculics may always have to recite a rhyme to decide what the fifth month of the year is, for example. It may not become automatic. While the presence of the learning disability makes automaticity difficult to achieve, the more years that pass, the more likely they'll know it as well as the rest of us, except during stressful moments.

Disabilities require patience most of all, and the belief that we are fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who does not make mistakes. If you're teaching learning-different students, remember to spend plenty of time on their strengths. Very successful dyslexics--and there are many--testify that their success did not arise because someone spent numerous hours and years remediating their weaknesses in reading, spelling, math and penmanship. Rather, they said it was honing in on their unique strengths that made the difference for their futures. They grasp things the rest of us miss, and in that context they are enabled, not disabled.

A good secretary will solve a lot of issues--or good technology, for that matter.

It's common for dyslexics to also have either one or both of: dyscalculia and dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is difficulty with organizing thoughts on paper, and difficulty with spelling and handwriting.

These conditions all make for a challenging homeschool life, in which God makes it abundantly clear that He is in control, not us.

I have my 2014-15 portfolio review this Friday, and following that I will get to the girls' curriculum post. Have a nice weekend, friends! I hope your back-to-school preparations are going smoothly.

Fear Not

It's time for a Christian lesson on fear and anxiety, for my son Peter's OCD is so severe he can't get through his daily responsibilities, though as a testament to God's power, Peter still manages to be concerned with the neighbor children's salvation. God can work through any circumstances. Whatever infirmities and disorders we have, he can still use us. Hallelujah!

I urge you, if you are paralyzed by fear of any type, to list all your cares and them meditate on the verses below. When you are done with these verses, click here to see more.

My fears are:

~ that Peter has a treatment-resistant type of OCD;

~ that he won't be able to work;

~ that he won't be able to marry and have children, which is something he dearly hopes for;

~that he won't be able to finish high school on time, since it takes him 3 hours to do a whole math lesson due to the concentration involved, complicated by nearly non-stop rituals. I break up the lessons as much as I can;

~ that even if I could get him into a residential treatment program, he isn't ready to give it his all. Adolescence is a difficult time for battling fear and some patients are better able to tackle OCD in their twenties.

~that he won't be able to finish any exams and will flunk, even if he does get to college or vocational school;

~ that he will get so exasperated with the religious rituals, it will cause him to turn from the Lord's fellowship--for it already makes it difficult for him to pray and read the Bible. His grandfather, age 92 and similarly affected, does not pray or read his Bible anymore due to the stress of the rituals, and he isn't even aware of his disordered condition.

It's very difficult to homeschool students with disabilities, but I know the right direction and focus for me, as mom and teacher. It's a hard road requiring an unwavering faith, which requires an unwavering commitment to the Scriptures and to personal and corporate prayer.

When spirits need reviving, it's time to bathe in every Scripture we can find on fear and anxiety. I pray these will help you with whatever affliction you may suffer, for one thing is sure--we are all suffering in some respect:

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:6-10 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Isaiah 35:4 Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Psalm 27:1 Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Romans 8:31-39 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ...

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Psalm 55:22-23 Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

Joy in the Morning

We have various neighbors in love with fireworks and so last night they started with the booms, keeping them going until past 11:00 PM. This happens every year, for a couple days before the 4th and a couple days after, with last night being the most prolific night on record.

At least one of my four children has been afraid of firework booms in the ten years we've lived here, so we rarely sleep much around the Fourth. Of course, as soon as a child gets sleep deprived, hyper alertness kicks in and it's boot camp for Mom.

Our anniversary is July 3rd and we always forget it. Both of us, because the household is crazy on July 3rd, and besides, there's no going on dates anyway.

My boys, now 11 and 13, sleep in as teens are apt to do, which has been a huge relief as far as the occasional late nights go.

But my girls, particularly Mary, do poorly on little sleep and will typically get up earlier the next morning, not later. Unless I can figure out how to break the cycle, these become grueling weeks.

Mary's panicked over fireworks for three years running now, because just like with thunder and lightning, she thinks one of them will hit our roof and our house will burn down. No amount of counseling helps her through this. Once the wave of anxiety hits, it lasts until morning.

Additionally last night, Peter threw up after initially going to sleep fine. So around midnight, with Mary still awake, we're trying to figure out how to deal with his bedding and the floor, while also wondering if he caught a virus and would throw up again within the hour, or if he ate too much (was it the 2 smores on top of eating his own homemade oatmeal cookies?).

Then there's Paul, whose OCD is mild, until someone throws up. He has the lucky-number, bad-luck number OCD (yes, it does exist), as well as contamination OCD (doesn't touch doorknobs or the toilet knob if he can help it, or his own pants zipper, among other weirdness).

Incidentally, OCD people do incredibly weird things and even when they get together for group support, they're still incredulous at some of the weird things other patients do. "You do that...really?"

It so happens that last July 4th, Paul threw up, which of course means July 4th is bad luck. Once last year Peter threw up after a park visit and Paul refused to go to any park for about 6 weeks after that. Because of course, going to the park is bad luck.

Welcome to my insanity.

The fact that Peter threw up last night confirmed the doom.  Paul laid awake for hours, worrying it was coming any second.

Um, misery doesn't cover it.

We were all wondering (except Beth) in the late night why it's one crisis after another in our lives. The entire month of June was rain and clouds, being the 3rd rainiest June on record. Mary was miserable, even though most of the downpours didn't involve thunder and lightning. Still, the weather service always warns that there could be lightning and that's all it takes to start her anxiety.

Peter didn't have a virus, it turns out. We remembered a problem he had last summer, which resurfaced this week, after the sun finally decided to come out. People on SSRI drugs for OCD or depression have reduced sweating and their bodies get too hot easily, even without excessive exertion. It only takes the sun or a too-warm room. It starts with a mild headache and can build over a few days if caution isn't exercised.

Even though his body temperature wasn't necessarily elevated last night, he was still overheated from three days outside doing minor gardening and looking for toads, frogs, cicadas, and trying his hand at an ant farm.

Water consumption helps once a headache hits, but it doesn't slow the process down enough. He has to go outside, we've discovered, with a wet hat on his head and a wet shirt, since he won't sweat enough to cool himself. He's always worn hats but they've been dark blue and not wet, so they heated him, rather than cooled him.

Anyway, we woke up this morning to a new day. A new hope. Peter is well and the children are all smiles and hugs and joy again.

The fatigue hasn't hit them yet.

Now, Beth, my post-surgery patient? (Thank you for your prayers!) She slept well. Her eyes look horrible (huge blood blisters all over the whites of the eyes) and at times she has double, confused vision as her eye muscles adjust (this could last six weeks). This child isn't fearful about anything unless blood is mentioned, so well it thunders away and fireworks boom and people throw up around her, no problem. She isn't fazed. She's my only child without anxiety, but of course arthritis is no picnic, nor surgeries either.

At one o'clock this afternoon, Paul, reflecting on the nice day he and the others were having, said, "Wow, Mommy! That Bible verse it true. Joy does come in the morning!"

Psalm 30:1-5
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

It's so easy to get lost in the stress and turmoil, but God's got this. He uses it all for His glory. Children who suffer illness and disorder have a special purpose in God's Kingdom, although to the families involved it can feel so isolating. I see God's hand in it time and again and He is my strength. 

Happy Fourth of July! Bless you all and thank you for your friendship.

Prayer for Eye Surgery

He's one of America's leading experts on lazy eye: Amblyopia and Strabismus. In 1999 he developed a surgery that changed the outcome for patients suffering from congenital Nystagmus. People travel from all over the world to have him operate on their children; I've seen them in his office over the years.

We've been seeing him since my daughter Beth was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at two and a half. She has a type of arthritis that can cause eye inflammation which, when left untreated, leads to blindness. She's had the inflammation twice, early on, but not for a long while now (treated with steroid drops). He adores my Beth and he's the nicest man.

He treated her wandering eyes (inherited from her dad and my paternal grandmother) with prisms in her glasses, to no avail. I've known since February that she needed this surgery.

He helps veterans with combat-associated eye problems, and he even said he might be able to help my 56-year-old husband, possibly, with the double vision he's had since childhood, due to a botched pediatric eye muscle surgery.

I'm so grateful God has seen fit to put us here, with this doctor.

But. 

The surgery is tomorrow morning and I'm so scared I'm having trouble concentrating and keeping my breathing even. I'm not quite sure why, because he performs about a dozen of these surgeries per week. Maybe because some kids have to have surgery again, or maybe because I'm afraid she won't wake up.

Please pray all goes well and that the problem will resolve after one surgery?

Thank you!

When Father's Day is Bittersweet

This post is for all those who didn't have a father who made them feel like a special girl all those growing-up, and grown-up years. Sometimes we felt like we were barely on their radar. Definitely, we weren't someone they took pleasure to invest their hearts in, so this day is bittersweet, even after we've forgiven.

Look at your father as a young boy who was hurting himself, because that was probably reality. When we aren't honest about our upbringings and the pain they caused, we can't move forward. So many adults are adults in age only--not because of the way they think, feel, and behave. So do yourself a favor--don't minimize your own hurting. Acknowledge that you have some wounds so the Lord can heal you and move you forward, whole in Him.

Our unhealthy, troubled parents wanted credit for their desire to do the right thing--for their ideals--even though they rarely did the right thing. They couldn't deal with the truth of their situations; they deceived themselves and hope they deceived us just as well.

We avoid their mistakes and hidden regrets by acknowledging the pain. The Lord will direct our healing path and bring any resource forward that can genuinely help us re-parent ourselves, and also parent our own children excellently.

My father's biggest mistake? His own father was an alcoholic and he never acknowledged the pain and turmoil that caused. Instead, he minimized it and liked to pretend it wasn't his reality. He didn't speak of it until I recently asked him about it. Now on his fifth wife and third family, peace still alludes him and there are six children--two each from his families--hurting because he was never able to move forward in a healthy way.

Keep in mind this is an anonymous blog which I don't share with acquaintances, friends, or family, so he is unlikely to ever see things I've written.

I am praying for all of you in this boat, that our Heavenly Father would make you feel like His special daughter today and always. Make sure to get in some Bible reading today. You need a reminder of His love and faithfulness.

And do not neglect your own pain, please? That doesn't mean you play the victim--a fear that can keep us stagnant. Acknowledging pain and the need for healing is not playing the victim. It's wisdom.

Pass this message forward to whomever needs it. Give those children in the neighborhood who don't have a dad at home today a pat on the shoulder, and remind them of our Heavenly Father's beautiful, faithful love.

Much love to you!

Psalm 146:9 The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Weekly Summer School and Life Wrap-Up 6/12

This post is long because I'm behind on my updates, but I put bolded headings in so you can skip what doesn't appeal to you. There are character training books featured below, as well as newly published elementary non-fiction science books. Thank you for being here!

An Overview of Our Summer School 

two boys, ages 11 and 13, and two girls, ages 6 and 8

I hope you're all enjoying summer weather. We're still in school, though using a more relaxed approach. Paul, age 11, is reading selections from the library as part of the summer library reading program. He still loves American history, finishing a library book about the Louisiana Purchase, as well as The Adventures of Pinocchio. He's taking a break from Teaching Textbooks Math 7 to try pre-algebra on Khan Academy this summer. He continues with the Khan Academy computer programming courses as well. His aptitude for the detailed work amazes me.

Peter's (age 13) OCD is severe and he still struggles to get through novel reading, some math, some writing. I won't be giving him much else this summer. Whenever there's a crises or problem with a child or family, I believe in keeping it to the three R's. We supplement by checking out Discovery Kids, National Geographic, and Disney Kids Non-fiction Science DVD's, and Magic School Bus DVD's. Peter always checks out non-fiction animal and plant and garden books from the library, too.

The girls, ages 6 and 8, continue with math, reading, and writing in their journals. I read a lot of non-fiction to them from the library and find that along with the experimenting and discovery learning they do on their own, they're getting a well-rounded curriculum.

Update on the OCD situation

As much as I mourn his disorder, God showers us with grace, still. Peter is not ready for a residential treatment center yet, but when he has had enough and is ready to do Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, we will probably have to admit him to a center in Cleveland for a few weeks at least. The OCD is stealing his life away. I've researched and learned that it's a bad idea to put an OCD patient in intensive therapy before they're at the end of their rope. It's hard to get insurance to pay for it, and it doesn't accomplish much if a patient doesn't commit to it 100%.

The therapy is grueling, scary, very difficult, as it forces the patient to deal with the fears and thoughts rather than try to neutralize them with rituals as a knee-jerk response. The ritual response worsens the OCD. The more rituals they do, the more their brain bombards them with disturbing thoughts, and eventually the rituals no longer work to neutralize the thoughts, and they can no longer function in their daily life. Peter is getting to this desperate point, even as he understands much about his disorder and how it works within his brain. It's hard for any of us to understand, but the thoughts are so strong the patients can't help themselves, even though they know it's all ridiculous.

Peter's ADHD makes it hard for him to focus consistently on what he needs to do to filter the OCD thoughts. He knows the normal thought filter in his brain doesn't work, so he has to manually filter thoughts and throw them in the garbage can, otherwise his brain reacts to each thought with panic. The two disorders--OCD and ADHD--work against each other, which is a tragedy.

It is very hard, but I have to accept this situation and the effects it's having on our school year and household. I don't know that I can graduate Peter at 18 years old if something doesn't change with his condition, but I will keep Paul on track to graduate at 16. Paul has always been taught with his older brother, who is 22 months older. Research affirms that very bright students do far better when allowed to jump grades. Schools have shied away from allowing bright kids to skip grades, due to the social aspect, but current research doesn't back up that hesitation.

A Hard Lesson for Homeschool Moms (and moms in general)

As homeschool moms we have a lot of ideas and desires when it comes to our homeschool, but we have to commit to teaching the students we have, not the students we wish we had. God has given each of our children a unique path to walk, and pain is naturally part of it in some form, due to the sin curse. The big picture compels us not to spend time putting out fires constantly, but to teach children how to walk with God consistently. We should spend as much or more time on their spiritual growth, as on their intellectual growth. Academic success without spiritual success won't take children far, or anywhere we want them to go.

Our daily trials here lend themselves to much growth as we cling to God for our sanity. My children are gleaning much from these difficult years. I see it and feel it within my own heart, and I embrace it for his glory.

But sometimes, like yesterday, I feel like I'll break down. I worked diligently to get the kids out to the van by 10:30 AM, to make a pre-op appointment at Children's Hospital, ahead of Beth's early July eye muscle surgery. Paul closed Beth's thumb in the van door and it swelled up immediately, so we headed to the ER at the same hospital, instead of to her eye doctor's wing. The x-ray came back normal, and then we got lost as we headed out of the ER parking lot, trying to get to the downtown parking garage we needed for the other part of the hospital.

Then, when we got to the ophthalmology wing, they were out for lunch but the waiting room was open. We waited 30 minutes, then found out we needed to go to pre-surgery floor of the main hospital. I thought the ophthalmology nurses were to do the pre-op appointment. The whole ordeal took six hours, and then Paul had a piano lesson at 5PM.

Long day! We all agree we hate running around. We're homebodies here.

Learning to Hold My Thoughts Captive

As we started out that day, during the whole 20-minute drive to the hospital I fought tears--a culmination of severe stress accumulated over several days, due to the OCD and my daughter's storm phobia and other issues. The swelling thumb and Beth's tears seemed like the last straw for my nerves. I wondered if Beth would have nerve damage in her thumb, and how would it affect her love for the arts? An artist needs her hands and her eyes, and God was messing with both lately in my little girl.

As much as I didn't feel in control inside, I kept control outside, due to being able now, in my late forties, to hold my thoughts captive far quicker than I could do in my thirties or early forties. Our thoughts can lead to joy, or despair (more so than our circumstances), so learning to hold them captive and direct them heavenward is an essential life skill for every Christian.

It's not that we ever entirely stop worrying or stressing or wondering "why me". It's that with personal trials and growth therein, the Holy Spirit teaches us to hold all these normal-but-damaging thoughts captive within minutes, rather the hours or days it used to take us.

Some pictures from the past two weeks

 basil

 Cosmos flower, which has since been eaten by bunnies down to ground level

 yellow squash

 Strawberry patch is producing beautifully this year. I haven't needed to buy strawberries in the last week.

 tiny maple tree saplings from the seedlings cleared from our rain gutters

 zinnia

When given adequate free time, kids always find ways to amuse themselves (and learn). Here they're floating balloons over the air filter in the boys' room. They were thrilled and experimented with how to get them to float lower or higher, and how size of balloon affected float level. 

A cardboard animal family

Miss Beth continues to use all her free time making things from cardboard, leaves, flower petals, etc. She is conscious of the amount of tape she uses now, and one day took me by the hand and showed me the duct tape she had used up and hidden under a bed, so as not to stress or anger us, I suppose. We had given her a talk about the cost of tape the prior week. I had to inwardly laugh, folks, and wonder how long she was stressing about having used a ton of tape in three days. While I'm not thrilled with the cost, I see genius in her creative mind (don't all parents think that...lol) and I can't hinder her.

She even asked me this week for three free duct tape rolls for her Christmas present.

The first place she heads upon arriving at the library is the craft book section, although she doesn't seem to make things from these books. She tells me they just give her ideas, which I think is more like saying, they open her eyes to the possibilities. Being dyslexic helps too; she fits the profile in so many ways. She truly sees possibilities we don't see, and keeps the big picture in mind.

Her fine motor skills are getting a rigorous work-out with all the cardboard she cuts out. Forming lower-case letters is still a challenge for her, as they were for all my kids at this same age (six).

 A cheetah

 An octopus that Paul made.

 A squid made by Beth.

 A flying creation of the Beth kind. She has a stick, two yellow leaves (waning milkweed leaves), a rock up front, a green leaf, and enough duct tape to hold it together. 

She's made more in the last two weeks, but I didn't get it all photographed.

I couldn't stand the disheveled pantries and the filthy fridge another day. Half a Saturday went by as I cleaned and rearranged.

Living payday to payday means I can't stock up on groceries, which isn't that big of a deal, considering our 1960's cupboards (i.e. no space!). The only cereals I buy are Cheerios and oatmeal, both of which have to be stored on top of the fridge for lack of other options. I basically keep to the same pantry staples, like dry and canned beans, tomato sauce, nuts and seeds, rice, pasta, taco shells, tortilla chips, popcorn, baking supplies, and applesauce. All the spices are in another tiny cupboard, which I also cleaned.

The annual fishing derby at a local state park. The child on the left is mine. 

Of course a toad must be loved on before we can leave any park. They're a must find or Mary doesn't deem the outing successful. She's still reluctant to leave nature at the park, but we're working on her selfishness in this regard. Here, Peter holds the toad.

This park has the perfect, low-level climbing tree. After last summer's concussion due to falling out of a tree (Peter), my children now climb only this particular tree, with a parent spotting. 

The Balancing Act that is Parenting

My female doctor is married to another doctor and they share one work contract. She works Tues & Thurs, and he works M-W-F. They share the homeschooling of their three children. Anyway, I spoke with her last fall about my son's tree accident, explaining that my husband had taken the kids to the park for a church picnic and left the tree area to watch my young daughter at the playground. Peter then climbed the tree unsupervised, with another middle school boy from church. He stepped on a weak branch that broke under his weight, causing a fall that exceeded 10 feet and led to a short black-out and concussion. 

I haven't said so here, I don't think, but I was pretty angry (non-verbally angry) with my husband about the unsupervised tree climbing. Peter has had so many problems from that concussion. He still can't read with pleasure (or for school) as he once did so prolifically, partly because of the fatigue it causes and because his OCD rituals cause him to reread sections he's already read, increasing his fatigue. It's still debatable whether his OCD went from mild/moderate to severe because of his concussion or his puberty years or both. Concussion can cause OCD in patients who previously never experienced it, depending on the area of the brain affected.  

I still have to squash my resentment at times, holding it captive for the sake of the gospel and my own peace. No resentment in marriage is acceptable and all of it needs to be held captive within minutes. 

I never would have allowed a child so high up in a tree. My doctor sympathized with me, saying she and her husband have the same go-arounds concerning what is safe. Neither of us were belittling our husbands so much as validating our feelings and confirming that children need two parents, a mom and a dad balancing each other, so children are neither too careful nor dangerously adventurous. The Lord has balanced our families by balancing female and male characteristics, though there are certainly some more careful men and wildly adventurous mothers in the mix as well. 

I now go to the park with the family as often as I can for this very reason, leaving chores undone and causing myself more stress sometimes. As mothers we have to accept the stressors inherent in mothering and caring for a family and balance them as much as possible. I try to have the children tidy up all the living areas now, before we enjoy any parks, so we don't come home to a bunch of stressful clutter.

Some park photos

The tree frogs on our own property are found out quickly, even on the roofs! There's no hiding here.

And of course, we have enough frogs on this property to please even Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. They're ever fascinating to my children, especially to Mary and Peter, though Peter less so this year, at thirteen years old. He still loves the toads.

New Character Training Books
This school year we've been all through the Miller Family Series, and A Busy Hive of Bees, and Another Hive of Bees, and I needed something else for our morning character training and prayer devotional time. I found these suggestions, and used this website to buy four books @ $6.95 each, containing 8 character stories each, by Vivian D. Gunderson. We've been through three stories and I love them so far.

Some newly published non-fiction science picks we've enjoyed (elementary picture books)

From Bulb to Tulip 

by Lisa Ownings

published Feb, 2015

School library journal synopsis: K-Gr 2—Lerner adds to this long-running, well-received series about transformation (previous titles have tackled animal and plant life cycles, food, and science). Though concise and comprehensible, the books still convey the essence of how these things come to be. Each spread features only a few sentences and serviceable photos. The small trim size, vocabulary words in bold, colorful and clean design, and spare but well-presented index and table of contents make this an ideal first step for nonfiction newbies. In choice of subject matter, too, this one sets itself apart from the usual fare for this audience. Strong offerings.

Wild Ideas: Let Nature Inspire Your Thinking 

by Elin Kelsey

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis: PreS-Gr 2—From the creative team behind You Are Stardust (Owlkids, 2012) comes a new picture book encouraging readers to ask questions and observe the answers found in nature. Every creature has problems and ways of discovering solutions to fit a specific need. Using examples from wildlife, the author asks children to learn from the ingenuity of animals and apply their creativity to human problem solving. "Pigeons procrastinate. Bees calculate. Elephants innovate." Much can be learned from careful observation of the world around us—just as some squirrels learn to cross a busy street by watching humans, we can learn from watching other species. Some may be "wild ideas," like the way chimpanzees invent drinking spoons from folded leaves, while others reinforce ideas we might already employ. "Killer whales rely on their mothers' wisdom. Baboons get guidance from their dads." The full-color, full-page illustrations are all dioramas that depict the animals and children interacting. Although many scenes are quite busy and full of detail, the text, sometimes in varying sizes, is clear and easy to read. An author's endnote explains the research involved. VERDICT Although most readers will be drawn to this book because of the animal content, they might pick up some problem-solving skills in the process

Animal Eyes 

by Mary Holland

published February, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: The sense of sight helps an animal stay safe from predators, find food and shelter, defend its territory and care for its young. We can tell a lot about an animal from its eyes: whether it is predator or prey, whether it is more active during the day or night, and sometimes even its gender or age. Award-winning nature photographer and environmental educator Mary Holland shares fascinating animal eyes with readers of all ages.

The Nitty-Gritty Gardening Book: Fun Projects for ALL SEASONS

by Kari Cornell

Published March, 2015

Publisher Synopsis: Grow your own fruits, vegetables, and flowers! Become a gardener in any season with these fun and easy projects. You don't even need a garden space--many of these activities can be done by planting in containers to set on a porch or a patio or even in a window. Try your hand at growing potatoes and strawberries. Plant bright flowers that attract butterflies, birds, and bees. Learn how to get daffodils to bloom in the winter! You can even make your own compost. Colorful photographs and simple step-by-step drawings make each project easy to follow for gardening success. Ready to get your hands dirty and your garden growing?

Frogs: All About their life cycle, five senses, habitat, and more!

by Seymour Simon

published April, 2015

School Library Journal Synopsis:  Gr 3–5—Among the plethora of books about frogs currently in print, Simon's stands out as one of the best. Covering the life cycle, five senses, and unique adaptations (who knew that frogs use their large eyes to help them swallow food?), readers are offered detailed information and just enough text for a young frog enthusiast or report writer. Unfamiliar words are in bold, and definitions worked seamlessly into the text are further defined in the glossary. Large, attractive, uncaptioned photos are well placed, effectively conveying the material (the frog demonstrating periscope eyes is particularly well placed). Simon devotes a paragraph to five types of unusual frogs and toads from around the globe, and there's also information about the current state of frog habitats and scientific research. VERDICT A smart choice for reports and recreational reading for all libraries.—Jennifer Wolf, Beaverton City Library, OR

How was your week, friends? Thank you for visiting.