The Tangled Web Of Addiction

Since I decided to quit being manipulated by an alcoholic mother, two camps of people have emerged.

One camp thinks I am dead wrong, and that unconditional love is the only answer. I actually think this group feels I have more of a problem than my mother, especially since she is in her seventies and won't live a lot longer anyway. My mother is hurting over the distance I put between us, and they want her to stop hurting. So they tactfully try to preach to me about forgiveness and unconditional love, because seeing her hurt is what they most want to avoid.

They are the enablers, most of them--the ones who know my mom personally, or know of her. Or, they have no experience at all with addiction and are trying to get involved in something about which they're completely ignorant.

The addicted person is almost always a tyrant, and when he or she is upset, everyone else is upset too. The enablers want to make everything status quo again. They have lived so long in their "roles" that they don't know any other way to live.  It is a sick, tangled web of dysfunction, all in the name of "unconditional love".

Another camp, those having experience with addicted people, believe that although distancing oneself is hard, it is the only answer. The more I begin to understand the psychology of addiction, the more tragic it seems to me. These enabling people perceive themselves as loving, nurturing, giving.

If by the grace of God they ever try to break away from the sick web, they find themselves accused, sometimes harshly, by the remaining enablers. They are told they are unloving, hard, cold, unforgiving. Guilt sets in. They question themselves. The accusations keep coming. It gets harder to be strong.

How many actually stay the course? How many get away, cleanly?

Even a clean getaway is painful, and will probably remain painful until the addicted person dies, and then some.

My husband learned that heroin is becoming a huge addiction problem in America. It frightens me, hearing this. I think we can safely say that most of society's problems can be traced, however far back, to someone's addiction and to the enablers who contributed to it.

Basic human decency falls apart in the face of addiction. It can be addiction to a substance, to power, to money, to the Internet, to sex. The only way to reverse this--outside of direct intervention by God--is to understand the psychology of addiction.

Addiction is not just between one person and the object of their desire. It always involves a web of people. For life cannot continue successfully for the isolated addicted person. They will have no food, no shelter, no job, and they would lose their children. They can't continue in their addiction, because their basic needs would scream too loudly.

Again, addiction never progresses in isolation. It can only progress if someone comes along, or is already there, who will cover for the person.

At first, covering for someone is basic self-preservation, and seems natural. It keeps embarrassment at a minimum. It keeps the lights on and the food coming. But as long as this continues, it gets deeper for both involved--for the addicted, and the enabler(s).

Educate your children. Hold them accountable for their actions. Check yourself. Don't take for granted that this tangled web will never involve you.

And God help us! (Only He can help.)

Because it hurts.
 

Thankful Thursday: 6 Years of Gratitude

Psalm 107.1 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!   

It's Thankful Thursday today, but instead of making gratitude lists, I'd like to do something different. I've been writing on this topic for at least six years now (I started with a different blog), and I'd like to highlight the changes in my life, since gratitude took root.

~ I worry far less. I think worrying is an unfortunate characteristic of conscientious people. If you knew me in real life, you would easily describe me as conscientious. I try hard. I fail often, but I try hard. My worry-wort tendency is no longer a dominant factor in my life. Any worrying I do now is short-lived, relieved by gratitude thoughts, writing out my thoughts here on the blog, and recalling memorized Scripture. I recognize the folly--the sin, really--of worry, fairly quickly, whereas before I let it have free reign, allowing it to quickly snowball into anxiety.

~ I am more content, and could actually describe myself as very happy (okay well, except for those hormones). Even though many a post may sound melancholy, remember that as I write, I am dumping my melancholy, my self-absorbedness, for something better: gratitude, the peace of Christ. As I dump my sin, I embrace the gracious God who's already forgiven me. While dumping personal issues can seem indiscreet, the opposite, an extreme reserve, can be unhealthy for the person clinging to all their issues in the interest of dignity. That's not to say they can't be dumped at the Lord's feet, bypassing any other audience. For me, writing is a way to get in touch with my feelings, enabling me to then dump them.

Writing for an audience forces me toward greater clarity, which is a mental discipline I don't otherwise pursue. I would say that understanding ourselves, and thereby acknowledging our sins, is Holy Spirit driven, but quickened by our cooperation. Once I am free of the "baggage", gratitude floods my heart and mind. Our sins are a barrier to gratitude.

~ I see God's hand in my life. It is easier to submit to His will when I can easily recall His acts of graciousness and love toward me and others. Gratitude reminds me that God is faithful and powerful, able to handle all the details of my life.

~ I don't play the comparison game. Though others may seem to have an easier life than me, I quickly reject any comparison because of a fundamental belief that I am truly blessed by God, that my life displays his grace and goodness. Taking a regular account of blessings has given me that foundational belief--that I am blessed.

~ I can be a servant. Whereas before I attended more to what I wanted for my life, I now attend more to what God's wants, enabling me to embrace servanthood more. Knowing how he has blessed me allows me to yield to Him in my daily duties and in any additional duties.

How long have you been counting your blessings, and how has it changed you?

Warning on a Book I Mentioned

I wrote yesterday of a Sonlight read aloud entitled Seven Daughters and Seven Sons by Barbara Cohen. Well, I was able to finish it today, partially due to a couple hours in a waiting room during speech and physical therapy. While it is a good book, the themes are too mature for our sons, so we won't continue with it this year. I just thought I should mention its maturity in case someone thought to check it out at the library.

 

Simple Woman's Daybook 5/28

 

 

Outside my window...

 

We had a gorgeous last five days. Now, it is humid, cloudy, with more rain expected shortly. The large farm next to our housing complex planted all their corn over the weekend, so the rain is welcome. It's been dry for a week. Our garden went in too this weekend. In northeast Ohio you plant on Memorial Day weekend, which is your best bet to avoid a frost.

I am thinking...

I just finished a biography on Corrie ten Boom tonight. I am thinking about all the evil in the world, and how just when you think it can't get any worse, you hear of another horror. I have not read a lot about German concentration camps, but enough to know that some of the worst evil in all humanity occurred in them. Hitler was all about championing the strong, and Christ is all about championing the weak and the humble...the least of these. What a contrast.

For 33 years after leaving her last German concentration camp, Corrie traveled around the world, speaking about God and forgiveness. Her sister Betsy was with her in two concentration camps, and she died in the second one. Her last words were..."We must tell them there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper."

Every time Corrie thought she might settle down and stop speaking and writing, her sister's words came back to her, inspiring her to continue. Betsy was the stronger Christian, able to forgive even the Germans who treated her like a dog. Corrie had no intention of forgiving them, until Betsy's words, and the Holy Spirit's power, gave her the divine power to forgive.

Sometimes having a son who struggles makes me feel like there will never be relief from the stress...that life will always be hard, and bittersweet. The Lord could have spared Corrie and Betsy. Their brother, nephew, and another sister were released from prison very early, and never went to concentration camps. Their father died 10 days into his prison sentence for hiding Jews, so he never saw a concentration camp either. The Lord spared them all, but not Corrie and Betsy. He had amazing plans for these two spinster sisters, and the plans were not pretty. They were horrendous, in fact.

But in the end, all that mattered was that God was glorified.

In our everyday lives, it's so easy to forget that it isn't about us, but about the Lord's glory. We waste so much time feeling sorry for ourselves, wishing that things were better for us, instead of concentrating on being obedient servants. I write so often on this blog, enough to make your eyes roll, that we are bought and paid for...slaves to Christ. The Lord can allow concentration camps in our lives, or any other manner of horror, and it still behooves us to remain obedient.

"We must tell them there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper."

I am thankful...

~ for a relaxing Memorial Day weekend.
~ that the sweetest little girls call me Mommy.
~ that I get to be a Mom. I get to!
~ for being the wife of one obedient Christian man, whom I love.
~ for having a happy family, not withstanding our disorders.
~ for the Word of God...its power to transform, to encourage, to cleanse, to strengthen.
~ for Paul's self-discipline and strength.
~ for Peter's passion and hard work, trying to fulfill his dreams.
~ for Compassion children to love, pray for, and write to.

 

In the kitchen...

 

~ ground turkey haystack dinner (recipe coming soon), salad

 

~ burrito pie, brown rice, salad

 

~ crockpot whole chicken, corn, baked potatoes

 

~ spaghetti

 

~ meatloaf, brown rice, steamed veggies

 

~ baked beans, corn on the cob, salad, strawberrry shortcake, smores, and lastly, brats, cooked on an open fire, which my husband bought and I wouldn't be caught dead eating. He has specific requests for holidays meals, but otherwise I don't let him choose our menu, reminding myself that I'm supposed to "guide the house" and that means my family's health. I have transformed my formerly nutritionally-challenged husband, who as a long-time bachelor ate the fattiest meat and drank whole milk by the gallons (all the while staying lean, somehow).

 

~ french toast, fresh fruit, cafe potatoes

 

I am wearing...

 

flowered brown and pink rayon skirt, pink top, slippers, since it's almost midnight. It's 2-shower-a-day humidity time, and will be for a while. But I love crawling into bed feeling clean every night, and starting my day feeling clean. Corrie ten Boom went 11 months without a bath or being able to brush her teeth. I feel very, very spoiled, but the fact is, the humidity is my enemy (headachey, thirst I can't seem to quench. Even chocolate doesn't appeal as much during humidity).

 

I am creating...

 

books in my mind, which may or may not ever be written down or published. Too much laundry and dishes to get in the way.

 

I am going...

 

I got my first pap smear in three and a half years out of the way today, and got a script for Topamax for migraines, and one for my first mammogram. Yes, 48 is a little late for a baseline mammogram, but I nursed my last child until age 47. I hope I don't have any cancer lurking anywhere, and I confess I wish all the results were already in, with normal written all over them. The longer it's been since your last doctor visit, the more weight the results carry.

 

I am wondering...

 

how a friend is doing tonight, who is under a great deal of stress.

 

I am reading...

 

Just finished the ten Boom biography, and tomorrow will start Seven Daughters and Seven Sons by Barbara Cohen, which is a read aloud from the Sonlight curriculum. My husband does the read alouds with the boys, so I don't usually list them here, but sometimes I read them by myself. This one promises to be riveting.

 

 

Synopis:

In an ancient Arab nation, one woman dares to be different .Buran cannot -- Buran will not-sit quietly at home and wait to be married to the man her father chooses. Determined to use her skills and earn a fortune, she instead disguises herself as a boy and travels by camel caravan to a distant city. There, she maintains her masculine disguise and establishes a successful business. The city's crown prince comes often to her shop, and soon Buran finds herself falling in love. But if she reveals to Mahmud that she is a woman, she will lose everything she has worked for.

A retelling of a traditional Arabic tale in which a young woman disguises herself as a man and opens up a shop in a distant city in order to help her impoverished family.

Also reading...We are done with James and are 4 chapters into 1 Corinthians in our morning devotional time.

I am hoping...

for good test results, and for a peaceful return of our dog, Rudy, to the foster dog home that runs a dog-rescue operation. He has snapped at the children about five times since we got him 2.5 months ago (not biting, but lunging forward to scare the kids). I don't have the money to hire a trainer to train out the aggression. He has food aggression, toy aggression, and space aggression. 97% of the time he is a very sweet boy, but when children are involved, that's not a high enough percentage. The kids can be too impulsive with him, getting too close to his face, and not remembeing to leave him alone when he's napping. I can't count on 100% obedience from the kids--they forget too easily when it's been a long time since the dog last snapped. We love the dog and are heartbroken about it, and Peter gives me no peace about it, but we have to think of the horrible scars and nerve damage that a possible bite could cause. Rescue dogs can have issues, and a family without younger kids is the best, I think, for many of them.

We won't try again for some time, as the dog never did help with Peter's issues. I am aiming for three years from now, when Peter is 15 and my youngest is 8, unless God brings the perfect situation sooner. We didn't want a puppy because of all the basic training they need, but maybe a puppy from a family we know would be the safest bet.

Around the house...

I put away a whole lot of clutter today, and tomorrow I will dust and vacuum and catch up on the laundry I didn't do on Memorial Day.

Scripture to share...

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

Thankful Thursday Family Edition 5/22

Ephesians 5:20 Giving thanks always for all things to God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

Beth, age 5

~ that I have super funny books
~ that I have a funny sister who can tickle me at any minute
~ that I can talk to, drink "tea" with, and play with my sister
~ that I love my sister
~ that I have my family
~ I love trees

Mary, age 7

~ for my funny, laughable, cute sister Beth
~ I love the strength in my hands to tickle my sister until she explodes with giggles
~ that God gave me a great family
~ I love the blue sky and sun and the beautiful leaves on the trees
~ for my family and friends

Paul, age 10

~ that I'm finally feeling better
~ that I like math and I'm good at it
~ that we have so many plants in the greenhouse
~ that I can go to the library
~ that I have a good church and nice people at AWANA
~ the new neighbors--I hope they're nice and have kids

Peter, age 12

~ my mom and dad
~ trees
~ my house
~ my garden and greenhouse
~ siblings
~ new neighbors
~ my bed
~ my dog
~ my snake
~ my library books

Daddy, age 55

~ my wife and children
~ that I have a car and that it keeps running
~ my jobs
~ birding and hiking
~ sunny days
~ that God always provides

Mommy, age 48

~ the thunder never came and my Mary is happy as a lark
~ the calm, therapeutic time Peter spends in his greenhouse
~ my children's love of the library, as though it is just as sweet as Christmas itself
~ the family all laughing over a book
~ old movies; the charm, innocence, loftier values
~ a working lawn mower
~ biography about Corrie ten Boom
~ full days at home to enjoy each other, and to enjoy God and his bounty and provision
~ that sunshine and hope follow dark moments, so that despair can't put down permanent roots

What are you thankful for, friends?