Simple Woman's Daybook 6/3

Outside my window...

It's beautiful. Truly. So green, so lush, so sunny and bright.

I am thinking...

At the church nursery Sunday I worked with a mom who will begin homeschooling her children next fall--all of whom have been public schooled up to now. She has one sister who homeschools, and three other sisters who are strongly against homeschooling because of the "socialization thing". Oh, my. This gets more irritating as the years go by.

At the thrift store recently my son Paul was confronted by an emboldened boy about 9 years old who questioned Paul mercilessly about what electronics we have around here. Do you have this game or that game? Do you have this hand-held thing or that one? You mean you don't even have this? Or that? Paul has no desire for these things because he's not bombarded with them for one, and because I've explained that they're addictive. He has heard an AWANA friend talk about playing computer games until late at night with his dad, so Paul believes me that these games are addictive. We've talked about how addiction can rob people of motivation and prevent them from setting and meeting important goals.

If school is completed, my kids are allowed 24 daily minutes of computer games Mon - Sat from CoolMathGames.com or PBS.com. That's it for electronics...our desktop PC with no software but World Book Encyclopedia.

So I was a bit surprised to find Paul somewhat frustrated and teary-eyed after the boy walked away. He explained that it wasn't about the games, but about the way the boy treated him because we didn't have them.

All I could think was, thank goodness we homeschool. My kids can be who they want to be without harassment. They can live smartly without being ridiculed for it. They can live in a state of personal peace, listening to the voices of God, of parents, of those who love them. Why is any other voice necessary at this stage of life? These are the discipling years. There are enough dissenting voices at church, at AWANA, and from neighbors to give them enough of a challenge. They wouldn't benefit from a challenge 30+ hours a week from peers.

When kids graduate from high school none of the social hierarchy matters anymore. Most of them based their identity on peer evaluations, and where did it leave them after graduation? Not knowing who they are, or what they stand for. (A minority could have been strengthened by the intense challenge, yes.)

Parents socialize their children, not peers. To be socialized is to be taught how to behave and react in a variety of situations, among people old and young, poor and rich, healthy and sick, functional and dysfunctional, educated and uneducated. All children and teens are trying to find their way and they can't help one another very much, but they can sure harm one another. They need an adult discipler, not an age-based peer group. Where else in life are there age-based peer groups?

The young man who killed six in Santa Barbara was mentally ill, but he was also distraught over being a 22-year-old virgin who didn't have a smooth way with women. He never fit in. All the shooters over the years failed to fit in. The money and privilege and sense of entitlement they suffered from was certainly part of the problem, but we can't discount how broken they were simply because they didn't fit in. God simply didn't create all of us to fit in. That isn't His system and I don't believe he wants us to create a system in our hearts or in our institutions whereby we force people to fit in. No wonder our institutions and our children are sick. The in-crowd is a bit like Hitler and his chosen people. God help us.

Children should grow up in a safe, loving environment. Daily concern over how they fit in is not safe, it's not loving, it's not healthy. Even the ones who do fit in, either because they have the right clothes, the right gadgets, the right interests, have to watch those who don't fit in suffer, and wonder if they themselves might ever fall out of grace. What if my dad ever loses his job and I lose my iPhone? Everyone who's anyone has an iPhone. What if I act too good or kind, or too smart or too conscientious? What if the teacher seems to be proud of me and the other kids sense it?

The goal becomes to be like the mainstream, not because you think the mainstream is smarter or better than you, but because to be different is risky. Some kids can handle it--and public school is a great option for them and their families--but far too many cannot.

Incidentally, if public school is the only option financially, I believe God's grace, through parents' prayers, will cover a multitude. God is faithful.

I have great respect for some local Christian public-schooled families, knowing they gave the decision lots of prayer and the Lord led them to it. And I don't have the energy for education soapboxes until I hear that homeschool is not a good option because of the "socialization issue". This is so far from the truth that anyone who utters it, especially in this current climate, embarrasses themselves, truly. I stay out of these discussions verbally, but oh, how they stir the fire in me.

Tim Challis wrote a wonderful 3-part series on homeschooling reminding the church that educational choice isn't an issue that should divide Christians. The text he uses is Romans 14 about the weak and strong brother and the holy days and the meat sacrificed to idols. His is a public-schooled family, and when he penned the article in 2011, he was increasingly seeing Christians exit the public schools so that the majority in many churches were homeschooling families.

Around here, that is far from true. Only in the last 9-12 months have homeschool families come to our church. We've been in the vast minority in our area for the 7 years we've homeschooled. Apparently, this is not true for some parts of the country.

I read all three parts of Tim's article and there were many nuggets of wisdom. And the comments section was...well, memorable. Here is a nugget of his wisdom that relates to what I'm trying to relay here:

The man who enrolls his children in public schools without counting the cost and without carefully shepherding them along the way is not weak or strong—he is stupid. The person who homeschools his children because he thinks that the 4 walls of his home will protect them from sin and worldliness is not weak or strong—he is foolish.

Our original decision to homeschool was based on a respected study indicating that 93 % of homeschooled Christians kept their faith after high school, as opposed to less than 30% of public-schooled Christians. That really spoke to us 7 years ago, but now it isn't the primary reason. Many hidden beauties of homeschooling having to do with home being where the heart is, now shine brighter. These reasons can't be explained, only felt.

I do not think and would not tell someone that homeschooling is a primary way to ensure the salvation of children. First of all, nothing can assure that, except the Holy Spirit himself. While homeschooling is helpful because of the time available, it's far less important than the father of the home being the spiritual leader. Research supports that point--that fathers make the most impact.

My advice to any parent is to know why you feel the way you do, and pray much. Be able to give a reason for your hope, either way.


I am thankful...

~ for the sweet, wonderful taste of the strawberries this year. So divine and perfect.

~ for the joy of serving dinner to guests.

~ for the privilege of being a mom.

~ a long letter from Sheila from Uganda.

~ In the warm months, blogs can get as little as a quarter of the regular traffic. So if you've actually read this far down, I'm thankful for that, friend. :)

~ the simple joy in a child's heart over park visits.

~ ground turkey--even lean ground turkey--is cheap, and there are never-ending ways of preparing it. There, I said it.

~ that I've relaxed enough as a teacher and mother to allow my learners to be what God created them to be, rather than what an arbitrary system says they should be.

~ that to my five year old there is nothing better than a cuddle in Momma's arms with a story.

~ for the power of story.

~ for the glorious old movies, for all their depth, charm, and for the way they stick with you and make you smile during the day, long after the reel stopped.

~ for my husband, who will stay up with me to watch old movies like "An Affair to Remember", and like it as much as me.

In the kitchen...

Am I the only one having trouble cooking with joy in the humidity? We do have central air, so saying this makes me a spoiled brat. Our outdoor grill has issues so I am praying for inspiration. I must cook 7 nights a week, grill or no grill.

~ taco bar, fresh grapes, strawberry shortcake

~ steamed veggies, ground turkey macaroni (brown ground turkey with spices and mix with some tomato sauce. Combine cooked noodles with meat mixture. Heat milk and some flour until thickened, turn off burner, add some grated cheese, mix until melted and smooth, combine with meat/pasta mixture. Add some grated cheese on top and bake for 20 minutes. Kid-friendly and easy. Leave a comment if you want the complete recipe.)

~ chili, cornbread, fresh fruit

~ garlic cheddar chicken, brown rice, spring mix steamed veggies

~ bowtie pasta with turkey sausage sauce, salad

~ crockpot chicken enchiladas, black beans, brown rice, thawed berry mix with vanilla ice cream

~ homemade whole wheat pancakes, fresh fruit, turkey bacon

I am wearing...

Liz Claiborne rayon thrifted skirt in navy and tan with navy tee

I am creating...

a God-centered home, I hope. Daily human capacity is not always equal to daily human goals. But God's grace fills the gap for the Christian. Praise God.

I am going...

Monday five of six dental cleanings were finished up. Tuesday we drive 30 minutes one way to give Rudy the beagle back to his foster mom. Sniff. Sniff. I finally narrowed it down to fear aggression as his main issue, after talking to a resource person the rescue operation referred me to. It's the most unpredictable type of aggression, and thus the most dangerous.

Wednesday is Beth's rheumatology check-up. Friday is a library visit. Next week we have only a speech therapy appointment and that's it. Now you have a little insight as to why we school year round. Appointments definitely tend to get in the way.

The boys and my husband and a neighbor boy have a fishing derby this Saturday morning.

I am wondering...

...what novel to have Peter read next. He's been done with Sonlight for several weeks and reading what I hand him next. He's currently reading Carry On, Mr. Bowditch, a 1956 Newbery Medal Winner by Jean Lee Latham.

Synopsis: Readers today are still fascinated by “Nat,” an eighteenth-century nautical wonder and mathematical wizard. Nathaniel Bowditch grew up in a sailor’s world—Salem in the early days, when tall-masted ships from foreign ports crowded the wharves. But Nat didn’t promise to have the makings of a sailor; he was too physically small. Nat may have been slight of build, but no one guessed that he had the persistence and determination to master sea navigation in the days when men sailed only by “log, lead, and lookout.” Nat’s long hours of study and observation, collected in his famous work, The American Practical Navigator (also known as the “Sailors’ Bible”), stunned the sailing community and made him a New England hero.

I am reading...

Still reading 1 Corinthians with the children in the mornings. Started Carry On, Mr. Bowditch but I'm not too far yet. My husband is reading The Hobbit to the boys every night after the girls go the bed.

I am hoping...

(and praying) that each child will court someone here in our home or in their beloved's home, and never consider dating.

Around the house...

clean because Sunday was Bible study and a dinner party.

Scripture to Share...

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

13 Characteristics of Adult Children Of Alcoholics

Before I go further, let me say I promise not to turn this blog into one about addiction, but before leaving the topic for now, I want to list some known characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. The 13 characteristics listed below are true for several kinds of dysfunction, not just the addictive kind. The introduction, the characteristics, and the further detail beneath them, and the conclusion at the end, are a repost, not my words. They represent the work of Janet G. Woititz.

Although, I did made comments in red beneath the characteristics.

My mother was a high-functioning alcoholic, meaning she held down a job and was never fired. She never drank daily when I was growing up, and my guess is that currently, she can only go two days or less without a drink. I never acknowledged, until recently, the extent of the problem, believing instead that she was a "problem drinker", not an alcoholic. I confronted her over the years about her drinking, which is something I don't ever remember my step-father, my brother, or my sister doing. Thus, as I look at these characteristics, I see that I escaped some of them, either because I wasn't completely in denial, or because she was a high-functioning alcoholic. I don't know which, but I have to come understand that denial is the element leading to the most dysfunction. 

In general, I think clarity of mind--having the ability to understand our emotions and reactions--is very important for a healthy lifestyle. Some quiet time every day with God, with a pen or computer in hand, or with silent thought discourse in our heads, is most helpful. For some of us, we need a human sounding board to attain greater clarity. Whatever is needed, I pray we seek it and find time to live in truth.

Repost:

 Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz, 1983, was originally written with only children of alcoholics in mind. Since its first publication, we have learned that the material discussed applies to other types of dysfunctional families as well. If you did not grow up with alcoholism but lived, for example, with other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drug abuse or overeating, or you experienced chronic illness, or you were adopted, lived in foster care or another potentially dysfunctional system, you may find that you identify with the characteristics described here. It appears that much of what is true for the children of alcoholics is also true for others and that this understanding can help reduce the isolation of countless persons who also thought they were "different" because of their life experience.

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts


1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is
The home of an alcoholic or addict is not "normal." Life revolves around the addict and most family members must learn to keep their family going, as they know it. Children of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents do not live the same life as their "normal" peers. Therefore, the child and later the adult must simply do their best at maintaining normalcy, as observed from friends, television, or simply guessing. I do feel left out when I am around people with "normal" upbringings. It feels like they are leagues above me in many ways, except sometimes in humility. My blessings are ever present before me, and that makes these insecure thoughts fleeting. I remind myself at these times that God is my refuge, and only He can satisfy. There is purpose in every story. Too, we are only passing through here. In Eternity, there are no emotional haves and have nots. We are all whole. Praise God.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end. 
In the home of an addict, daily living is frequently interrupted due to misbehavior or unpredictable actions of the addict. For example, the family may start playing a game, but then dad comes home and everyone must stop playing. Or maybe mom promised to help work on a school project, but then passes out and never follows through. When project completion and follow-through are not consistently modeled, it is a hard skill for the adult child of an alcoholic to learn. I tend to impulsively (#13) take on too much. We try to meet everyone's needs, and that makes us overcommit. I took on extra work at church, only to find that within a year, it was too much for my family. I felt foolish, but I can't say I regretted it. It was a learning experience and my help was needed, even if I couldn't follow through long-term. I am now (June) free of my extra church duties (nursery director).

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
As a child of an alcoholic or addict, one must constantly lie and make up excuses for the addicted parent. The child also hears the parent and everyone else in the family lie and make up stories constantly. This behavior is a necessity to keep the addict family intact, and therefore becomes a natural trait. Once the child acquires this behavior, it tends to stay with the adult child.

These lies are not always malicious or harmful. Something as simple as the route the ACOA took home, or what type of fruit they like is fair game for lies. Unless the child or adult receives enough consequences (either internal, like guilt or anxiety; or external, like getting in trouble with someone), the ACOA may begin to practice the art of telling the truth more. This is not me, nor my siblings. We didn't have to lie to protect my mother.

 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
No matter what the child of an alcoholic or addict does, they cannot "fix" their parent or their family. They may be able to take care of the addict or other members of the family, but they are unable to fix the root of the problem: the addiction and relating family dysfunction. No matter how well the child does is soccer, how high their school grades, no matter how clean they keep the house, how "good" they are, they still can't fix the addict. Everything they do falls short.

Additionally, the child of an alcoholic or addict may blame him/herself for bad things that happen in the family, and are frequently guilt-ridden for reasons beyond their control. Perfectionism is very common in ACOAs. This doesn't seem to fit, either. The grace of God, of being a Christian, prevents this in my life. I can't speak for my siblings on this. My siblings and I are not close and have never been close, and that is typical of dsyfunctional families. The addicted person often pits one family member against another, to ensure loyalty. This prevents trusting relationships between family members.

 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
Growing up with an addicted parent is not fun. Kids are not allowed to be kids. When the kids are not given this joy, the adult usually does not know how to simply enjoy life. The ACOA is constantly worrying about their addicted parent, or is in trouble for things they should not be responsible for, or compensating in some other way for the addict. The usually carefree, fun time of being a child often does not exist if the parent is an addict.

The addict is the "child" in the relationship. Because of this, the child does not know how to be a child. This is 100% true of me and my siblings. So sad. My earnest prayer is that my children will not be affected by my seriousness (see #6 too). God be with us!

 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
Due to the gravity of their roles in their families growing up, adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. The weight of the family, and thus the world, is on their shoulders.

 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Having never known a "normal" relationship or family roles, the ACOA does not know how to have one. The adult child of an addict does not trust others. The ACOA has learned that people are not trustworthy or reliable, and has had their heart broken from such an early age.

 New relationships must be handled with caution, too, because the child of an alcoholic doesn't want others to find out their secret. Adult children of alcoholics have learned to shut themselves off from others to protect their feelings, as well as to protect their family. This is a tough one. Before becoming a Christian at age 31, this was definitely true of me. I married at age 33. I love and respect my husband and we have a healthy, peaceful marriage. The few spats we have are from exhaustion and frustration, never from deep-seated issues. Our slates are clean, so to speak. I never distance myself emotionally from him, nor him from me. 

However, looking back, I know there were dysfunctional reasons I married him, along with good ones. He had ADHD, which made him in some ways dysfunctional, and I wanted to rescue him, but I was ignorant, and so was he, of the ADHD. I think when we can look back and sense dysfunctional reasons for our marriage choice, the best thing we can do is ask God to redeem those choices. But, if you are being abused, escape. There is no question about it--staying is a mistake. 

Ours is a redeemed marriage. I do not seek to rescue anything about my husband now. I accept him as he is, and count my blessings that he is an enduring, strong Christian man who puts family first.

I don't think marrying someone with issues is dysfunctional, unless you perceive yourself as their rescuer, or think that you can't get anyone better. Don't ever settle, in other words. Whomever you marry, accept them as they are. Don't fancy some miraculous transformation. Unless you just want them to drink skim milk, instead of whole milk. :) 

 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
The child of an alcoholic/addict lacks control over their lives much of the time. They cannot control when their parent is drunk, or that the parent is an addict to begin with. S/he cannot always predict what will happen from one day to the next, and this is very anxiety producing. A child needs to feel safe. Because of this lack of control as a child, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict craves control. They need to know what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and when.

 Of course, this control and predictability is not always possible. If plans are changed, or somebody does something that the ACOA doesn't like or feel comfortable with, all the insecurity of their childhood may come back to them, and the adult child may over-react, leaving the other party stunned or confused. I don't sense this about myself at all.

 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Similar to ACOA characteristic number four, children of alcoholics and addicts are used to continuously seeking approval or praise from their parent or other valued person. They probably did not grow up with a regular and consistent rules and expectations, and could never make their addicted parent happy.

 Not knowing what is "normal" or expected, adult children of alcoholics need someone to tell them what they are doing is right. They are often indecisive and unsure of themselves. As a young woman, it was important for me to have a boyfriend. I needed that attention and affirmation. I stayed too long when deep down I knew it wasn't the right relationship for me. Yes, I wonder what people think of me. Much less as a women in my forties, though. Part of this is just maturity. If someone seems neutral or standoffish, I wonder even more if they like me. I would say I am most uncomfortable with reserved people, because I do seem to need outside affirmation. Again, my blessings are always before me, and I recognize this tendency fairly quickly now. I remember that I must only please God.

 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
Another overlap with other characteristics, children of alcoholics sometimes know from an early age that their home is not normal. Children from addicted families may or may not know what is different, and sometimes don't completely "get it" until they visit friend's houses and observe their parents. 'Hey... Janie's mom makes her do her homework until she is finished, and they have dinner at this time, and then they have to go to bed at 9. Every night!" This consistency may be shocking, and either attacks or appalls the child who is not used to such structure. There has always been a sense of isolation. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, and my mother remarried when I was 5. She is still married to my step-father. We never, ever, had people over when I was growing up. My friends never saw the inside of my house. Even family from out of town stayed somewhere else. I knew I didn't have a normal life (but not that I had to lie). I go to get togethers for the sake of our children, but I prefer quiet times at home. I have never been social, but I have forced myself to invite people over to get over this dysfunction. I know that I have to do the opposite of my instincts sometimes, for the sake of my children. I can potentially raise them like I was raised, in a second-hand way, if I'm not careful.
Even though my husband's father was unkind and remote, my husband does not have any of these characteristics of a dsyfunctional family. His mother was wonderful (she died with he was 16 and he went to Bible college at 18 out of state) So it appears that even if one parent is remote emotionally, a child can still thrive in many ways. My husband's father being remote and unkind, however, did affect my husband's success in life in the workplace, in conjunction with his undiagnosed ADHD. 

 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Once the child from an addicted family gets older and forms their own identity, the ACOA may either strictly follow a schedule and wants everything in order, controlled- perfect. These adult children often struggle with anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, and eating disorders.

 The opposite result is the ACOA who is a party animal. This adult child may develop an alcohol, drug, or other behavioral addiction. This ACOA may live a life very much like their addicted parent, or they may "shape up" and get their life together, with appropriate support. My sister and I are super responsible.

 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

"Why do you put up with him?" Adult children of alcoholics/addicts are used to dealing with just that- an addict. They are used to either taking care of an addict or seeing others take care of an addict. Drunken fights and broken promises is normal to the ACOA. Growing up, the child of an alcoholic was probably told "it isn't his fault" or "he didn't mean it, he was drunk."

 Because of these lowered expectations, an adult child of an alcoholic/addict frequently ends up in a relationship with another addict, abusive partners, or otherwise unhealthy relationships. I feel the need to help people who also had dsyfunctional pasts. I want to give them the patience they require, but sometimes I have to check myself. I have an ability to understand them, but that doesn't mean I should make allowances for them. The neighbors who used to come here asking for money moved about a month ago, but looking back, I see the error of ever giving them a cent, for gas money or anything else. I didn't know at that time some of the signs of drug abuse, but I looked into it. Rotten teeth, and excessive sugar intake, can mean drug abuse. (They came here for sugar constantly.) The sugar helps them come down from the drug, and the teeth rot either because of the drug, the sugar, or both.

I want my children to make a habit of helping the least of these, but I have to teach them to be very cautious of addicted people. Help in the form of meeting their basic needs can backfire and make them sicker. The Section 8 home across the street has had two drug-involved families in it, and I fault the welfare system for that. They never came to check on these families, even though they paid rent as low as $200 because of the Section 8 subsidy. This is a waste, and takes money away from the single, clean moms who really need the subsidy. As hard as it is to take children away from a home, leaving them in a drug-addicted environment is not beneficial for them or their future children. I know good foster homes are hard to come by, and that multiple foster homes create an even greater problem then addicted parents create (reactive attachment disorder). There are no easy answers. Still, subsidizing their parent's addiction by giving them a cheap place to rent is ensuring generational welfare. There must be regular visits, or the money is carelessly spent. If the government doesn't have the money to ensure accountability, it doesn't have the money to help at all, outside of ensuring that children get food, which is in large part taken care of by free breakfasts and lunches at school. I wish there was some way the private sector could do the checking, in cooperation with the government, to ease the financial burden of helping.

That Section 8 house is currently vacant and being fixed up, and all the neighbors think the owner will sell it. God has answered a prayer about the neighbors across the street, and now it appears he is answering the one about the Section 8 house. If the government will not check on the occupants, I don't want it here.


13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

The last trait is fairly self descriptive. The ACOA will struggle with falling into unhealthy patterns of behavior, in whatever form it might take.

An adult child of an alcoholic began life in unstable, insecure environment. The ACOA did not get everything they needed from their addicted parent. These 13 ACOA characteristics may seem daunting, but they are simply a profile, description, and explanation of possible existing traits.

These 13 characteristics are not a death sentence or certainty for the ACOA. Once an ACOA recognizes and understands why they are the way they are, and that they are not alone, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict can begin to heal. With the support of a therapist, counselor, support group, and others, the ACOA can live a full, healthy life, and stop the chain of addiction.

I do not plan to seek counseling, as just having an awareness is enough I believe. I do suggest young people dealing with this seek counseling before marrying, and definitely if they suspect they are in unhealthy friendships or other relationships.

 

The Tangled Web Of Addiction

Since I decided to quit being manipulated by an alcoholic mother, two camps of people have emerged.

One camp thinks I am dead wrong, and that unconditional love is the only answer. I actually think this group feels I have more of a problem than my mother, especially since she is in her seventies and won't live a lot longer anyway. My mother is hurting over the distance I put between us, and they want her to stop hurting. So they tactfully try to preach to me about forgiveness and unconditional love, because seeing her hurt is what they most want to avoid.

They are the enablers, most of them--the ones who know my mom personally, or know of her. Or, they have no experience at all with addiction and are trying to get involved in something about which they're completely ignorant.

The addicted person is almost always a tyrant, and when he or she is upset, everyone else is upset too. The enablers want to make everything status quo again. They have lived so long in their "roles" that they don't know any other way to live.  It is a sick, tangled web of dysfunction, all in the name of "unconditional love".

Another camp, those having experience with addicted people, believe that although distancing oneself is hard, it is the only answer. The more I begin to understand the psychology of addiction, the more tragic it seems to me. These enabling people perceive themselves as loving, nurturing, giving.

If by the grace of God they ever try to break away from the sick web, they find themselves accused, sometimes harshly, by the remaining enablers. They are told they are unloving, hard, cold, unforgiving. Guilt sets in. They question themselves. The accusations keep coming. It gets harder to be strong.

How many actually stay the course? How many get away, cleanly?

Even a clean getaway is painful, and will probably remain painful until the addicted person dies, and then some.

My husband learned that heroin is becoming a huge addiction problem in America. It frightens me, hearing this. I think we can safely say that most of society's problems can be traced, however far back, to someone's addiction and to the enablers who contributed to it.

Basic human decency falls apart in the face of addiction. It can be addiction to a substance, to power, to money, to the Internet, to sex. The only way to reverse this--outside of direct intervention by God--is to understand the psychology of addiction.

Addiction is not just between one person and the object of their desire. It always involves a web of people. For life cannot continue successfully for the isolated addicted person. They will have no food, no shelter, no job, and they would lose their children. They can't continue in their addiction, because their basic needs would scream too loudly.

Again, addiction never progresses in isolation. It can only progress if someone comes along, or is already there, who will cover for the person.

At first, covering for someone is basic self-preservation, and seems natural. It keeps embarrassment at a minimum. It keeps the lights on and the food coming. But as long as this continues, it gets deeper for both involved--for the addicted, and the enabler(s).

Educate your children. Hold them accountable for their actions. Check yourself. Don't take for granted that this tangled web will never involve you.

And God help us! (Only He can help.)

Because it hurts.
 

Thankful Thursday: 6 Years of Gratitude

Psalm 107.1 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!   

It's Thankful Thursday today, but instead of making gratitude lists, I'd like to do something different. I've been writing on this topic for at least six years now (I started with a different blog), and I'd like to highlight the changes in my life, since gratitude took root.

~ I worry far less. I think worrying is an unfortunate characteristic of conscientious people. If you knew me in real life, you would easily describe me as conscientious. I try hard. I fail often, but I try hard. My worry-wort tendency is no longer a dominant factor in my life. Any worrying I do now is short-lived, relieved by gratitude thoughts, writing out my thoughts here on the blog, and recalling memorized Scripture. I recognize the folly--the sin, really--of worry, fairly quickly, whereas before I let it have free reign, allowing it to quickly snowball into anxiety.

~ I am more content, and could actually describe myself as very happy (okay well, except for those hormones). Even though many a post may sound melancholy, remember that as I write, I am dumping my melancholy, my self-absorbedness, for something better: gratitude, the peace of Christ. As I dump my sin, I embrace the gracious God who's already forgiven me. While dumping personal issues can seem indiscreet, the opposite, an extreme reserve, can be unhealthy for the person clinging to all their issues in the interest of dignity. That's not to say they can't be dumped at the Lord's feet, bypassing any other audience. For me, writing is a way to get in touch with my feelings, enabling me to then dump them.

Writing for an audience forces me toward greater clarity, which is a mental discipline I don't otherwise pursue. I would say that understanding ourselves, and thereby acknowledging our sins, is Holy Spirit driven, but quickened by our cooperation. Once I am free of the "baggage", gratitude floods my heart and mind. Our sins are a barrier to gratitude.

~ I see God's hand in my life. It is easier to submit to His will when I can easily recall His acts of graciousness and love toward me and others. Gratitude reminds me that God is faithful and powerful, able to handle all the details of my life.

~ I don't play the comparison game. Though others may seem to have an easier life than me, I quickly reject any comparison because of a fundamental belief that I am truly blessed by God, that my life displays his grace and goodness. Taking a regular account of blessings has given me that foundational belief--that I am blessed.

~ I can be a servant. Whereas before I attended more to what I wanted for my life, I now attend more to what God's wants, enabling me to embrace servanthood more. Knowing how he has blessed me allows me to yield to Him in my daily duties and in any additional duties.

How long have you been counting your blessings, and how has it changed you?

Warning on a Book I Mentioned

I wrote yesterday of a Sonlight read aloud entitled Seven Daughters and Seven Sons by Barbara Cohen. Well, I was able to finish it today, partially due to a couple hours in a waiting room during speech and physical therapy. While it is a good book, the themes are too mature for our sons, so we won't continue with it this year. I just thought I should mention its maturity in case someone thought to check it out at the library.