Showing posts with label biblical womanhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label biblical womanhood. Show all posts

Friday, October 28, 2016

Appreciating Mom

I'm on my third day in bed with the flu.

Can you imagine what the house looks like?

Today I told the kids to catch up on the house first, and then do school with whatever time was left. I intuitively knew that if I didn't call a housekeeping day, then the house would be too far gone for me to clean up on Sunday night, ahead of the Monday daycare day. I'm sure my being off has incredibly inconvenienced the family I work for, but it couldn't be helped.

The boys made dinner the last two nights. Tacos by Paul, and gingerbread pancakes by Peter. They were delicious. I am not a failure as a mother; my children are doing alright with this sudden domestic nightmare. Our job is to work ourselves out of a job, and nothing tests that notion like consecutive sick days for Mom.

To save money, we don't buy many snacks. We bake our own, or make popcorn. There are no-bake cookies for afternoon snack, thanks to Paul. Peter is going to put a whole chicken in the oven at 4 PM, and four loads of laundry were folded and put away at Peter's direction to his siblings.

Peter rose to the occasion nicely. At first though, he knocked on my bedroom door and asked me to please give the kids jobs to do, because the cleaning wasn't getting done. I told him the first step is always the decluttering. An hour later he came and shared this with me:

"All I've been doing for an hour is walking around and putting a ton of little things away. I don't know how you do this everyday. Your job is a lot harder than I thought."

As much as I feel really lousy, and am shocked to have the flu in October--before we even got our flu shots--I can see the value in Mom being down for a week. Housekeeping is a thankless job. Rarely does anyone remember to say thank you for the many small acts of service we do.

And yet, so much of life rides on our shoulders. We're not engineering $25,000,000 stock deals, or meeting to discuss the next president's first 100 days in office, but we are the glue that holds it all together for the next generation. We're significant in immeasurable ways. Our contributions are astounding.

And you know what makes it beautiful, rather than just the work of cooks, maids, and executive secretaries?

It's the love. The self-sacrifice. Our services are free of charge, paid for with precious energy and time and heart. We could be doing so many wonderful things with our time, yet we choose to serve in lowly ways--to do the seemingly insignificant work of ensuring everyone has clean pants and shirts, and available Cheerios and oatmeal for breakfast. When it's time for a meal, the food is there. When it's time for a change, the fresh clothes are there. When it's time to be somewhere, Mom is on the case, five steps ahead of everyone.

When Mom is down, everything is down. When Mom can't go to the store, it's a crisis. When mom can't do the socks and underwear, all of life stops and there's scurrying around. Confused people wonder what to do first and next, because we make it look so easy.

It's beautiful what we do. We literally give our lives to serve others, with no promise of repayment, no promise of a nest egg waiting for us in retirement.

If you devalue what you do...if anyone devalues what you do, just wait. Your sick days will come too and you'll see the value of your contribution. You will be newly thankful that you have the energy and the love and the legacy-minded vision to get up and do the same thing every day, because you want to. Because you love to. Because you get to.




Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Quiet Spirit Talk...And What's Been Going On

Hello Internet of Long Lost Friends. I hope you have been well. Here's what's been going on...

~ We go to homeschool Co-op every Wednesday now. My four kids take 5 classes each (i.e. drama, choir, art, PE, Home Ec, Math is Fun, Creative Creations), while Chase (the 3-year-old boy I babysit) and me sit with other preschool moms and play and talk. I help in one class and will most likely be asked to teach something next semester. My kids are over the moon excited about Co-op, and Mary has made a precious friend already (a friend of every mother's dreams, literally. The young lady is a true treasure).

Most of the Co-Op families have 3 to 5 kids each, so it's quite a large group.

~ Yes, I still babysit. Chase will be four in November. We also had his 5-year-old sister until she started kindergarten last month. Things are a little easier around here with only one daycare child, but with Co-op and AWANA both on Wednesdays, the weeks can still feel like marathons.

~ I'm 50-and-a half-years old, and I hate being the oldest mom everywhere I go. Currently more women in their forties are having babies than women in their twenties, but that doesn't seem to be happening in my area.

Other yucky aging news...The hot flashes, which had only come and gone for short periods before, have now been with me about six weeks. Some days I'm intensely frustrated and I don't know how I'll handle the hotness for another day. I'm afraid winter won't make a difference with this kind of heat. About 85% of women get hot flashes in the year or so after menopause; only about 45% of women get them prior to menopause, in the period called perimenopause. I'm one of the lucky 45% getting them in perimenopause. Does this mean I'll have fewer of them later? Here's hoping.

I take two showers a day now, but the relief they provide is short-lived. Another hot flash (intense heat, not just a little warmth) inevitably comes within an hour of my last shower. I have to stop whatever I'm doing and go stand in front of a large fan for 3 minutes, 10 to 15 times a day. Sometimes I sleep on the couch with the fan next to me, although I have fewer hot flashes at night.

This has changed my life enough that thinking about blogging usually seems like too much trouble, even though I miss the intellectual part of it and the interacting part. I'm kicking around the idea of a Twitter account, because you write in smaller chunks and you can have private conversations, versus interacting through blog comments which are public. Anyone on Twitter that reads here?

~ Mary still has her anxiety about the weather, and Peter still has fairly serious OCD--the weight of which also make blogging seem like too much trouble. I feel like I have nothing positive to share, so why burden people with my whining? Some stages of life you have something to share, and other stages are for hankering down and trying to run the race with as much grace as you can muster.

1 Peter 3:4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Our pastor is doing a serious on marriage and went over this passage last weekend. He reminded us women that this doesn't mean we have to refrain from talking much. We don't need to change our personality to live up to this. It isn't about whether we're shy or gregarious, whether we're witty or the life of the party, or quiet and mousy.

Rather, it's about an inner stillness--a lack of inner turmoil. It's a gentleness, and a sureness that everything is going to be okay. It's a calmness, more than a quietness, though it's true that if your inner spirit isn't ruffled, you won't shout or argue or complain or speak harshly. So, yes, maybe you'll talk less as your inner spirit quiets.

Our Bible time and prayer can accomplish this calming of spirit, but we can't forget taking the time to just be quiet before the Lord also. A busy mom may carve out 30 minutes a day a few times a week for devotions, but she'll probably find it isn't enough. Try turning off the radio, the TV, the devices, and go to a quiet room to just sit and listen to anything the Holy Spirit sends your way.

He'll say things like....you put that pressure on yourself...it wasn't from Me...focus on the Kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you as well...give your children's futures over to me...give the health of your marriage over to me...come to me all you women who are heavy laden...I will quiet you with my Love.

So, what do you think? Is your spirit ruffled? What are you doing to quiet it? What is the source of the ruffling?

Often, it's Satan, you know. He is our accuser. He is the master of distraction and confusion. Most ruffling comes directly from his playbook.

I am learning. Live one day at a time. Hardest. Life. Lesson. Ever.

My gracious Lord holds it all, and he wants me to rejoice in the day he has made. Today. He gives me today, with no guarantee of tomorrow. Therefore, I offer Him my day, my hours, my minutes, holding the outcome loosely, not questioning Him about tomorrow.

When I regard each day as an offering back to Him, suddenly, the hot flashes and the kids' anxiety and the burden of having to babysit (though I love little Chase dearly) all become insignificant. They only carry the weight I assign them. They feel heavy only when I make them my focus. It's like Peter walking on water brilliantly, until he took his eyes off the Prize. I'm not supposed to focus on the details of my life, except when I'm expressing gratitude for them.

The gentle and quiet spirit? It comes from shifting your focus, your gaze, onto the person of Jesus Christ.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Of Great Worth in His Sight

I go to church service first and then a "small group" Sunday School class of about 50 people. The small group consists of women and men who range in age from 40 to 70, with most well over 50.

Thus, most of the women have raised their families and they have time and money to buy beautiful shoes, pay for great hair cuts and flawless manicures, buy nice clothes, etc. They look stylish and put-together, to put it another way.

I, on the other hand, buy thrift store clothes, get my hair cut far too infrequently, and have chipped, thin nails from chronic housework. I feel like a poor servant in comparison, especially when I'm seated next to a women with flawless toenail polish. I try to pull my long skirt over my sandaled feet as far as I can, and wish I'd taken an extra ten minutes to redo my toenail polish.

Sometimes, on my less-than-stellar emotional days, it's enough to make me want to become a hermit and forgo small groups. They're messy after all, compared to sitting in a large church service and then going home. No investment and no risk. Right?

But I know better.

I know when my thoughts need to be held captive, and I'm quicker to lasso them than I ever was before. By the grace of God.

I know that my worth doesn't come from my outward appearance--I know it with my head and my heart. I know that the finely dressed only give the illusion that they're put together. They aren't better off spiritually. The Kingdom of God doesn't care about their $100 outfit. God is not impressed. We're all messy people with messy problems, and stylish clothes and perfect manicures don't change that.

This seems to be limited to women, these silly comparisons on dress and nails and hair. I know it's silly, and yet at first I recoil, feeling less-than for five or ten minutes.

Do you know of a family who drives away from church in a $40,000 new car, bound for a leisurely restaurant and looking forward to the cleaning lady coming on Monday? They don't have it better than you. Really.

Live involves pain for everyone, no matter what they do for a living, no matter what they wear or drive or look forward to doing next. The pain is well hidden for some, but rest assured, pain is universal. The need for compassion and understanding, rather than comparison, is universal.

If it's respect we want, we're wrong if we think it comes from a stylish outfit. Better to be that person who smiles, who welcomes, who listens non-judgmentally, who is not afraid of the messiness that comes with relationship. The second part of the greatest commandment speaks of relationship. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Our humility earns respect as well. Not only do we need to behave compassionately toward others, we also need to seek compassion by sharing our burdens without shame. A rich relationship involves give and take, and we hopefully can be people and will find people who are capable of mature relationship within our churches.

Some groups are more troubled than others. Some are hungry for compassion and spiritual guidance, without being capable of a give and take. We would do well to make sure we have a little of both in our life. People to minister to, and people to minister with.

We are all equal in Christ. Our worth comes from his love for us. We are precious in His sight. That is enough, my friend.  To be precious to Him means we don't need to hide anything. We can live joyful and free. Free from the confines of social class. Free from the pain of the past. Free from shame.

If we perhaps already have respect and it's beauty we desire, we need to know there's a beauty that far outshines any outward feature. No matter how plain our face or form, it all transforms to beauty if we're gentle with a quiet spirit, which carries great weight in the Lord's sight. This is a rare kind of beauty. A rare beauty we should all covet.

1 Peter 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.


Do you ever feel less-than? What triggers it and how do you counter your distorted thoughts? Do you recognize them as distorted? 

Sunday, June 5, 2016

A Housewife Gone Astray

It's Saturday morning. A few hours of heaven on earth in my life. Yes, I still have chores, shopping, and cooking weighing on me (ain't that the truth even on our birthdays and on Mother's Day?), but there is no exact deadline, other than hungry stomachs.

As a homeschooling mom, Saturday did have perks for me, but it's different now. Now it's a huge relief, like the last contraction of an unmedicated childbirth, or like the last hundred yards of a marathon.

Yippee!

And Sunday afternoon and evening? They've changed too. The stress starts to build as I run around, getting the house ready for the next day, knowing that if I don't use my time wisely, I could be up until 2 AM cleaning and planning lessons or crafts. I used to get the Sunday blues as a public school teacher, too, toward the end when I had a lot of behavior problems and dreaded the weeks.

Because non-paycheck moms don't live under intense time pressure (excepting those with kids in a lot of programs) it's easy to get too relaxed and waste time. Poor time management makes it difficult to be a blessing to our families. If we fail to listen to the Holy Spirit's prodding on this, God will correct us in uncomfortable ways.

He promises to make us a spiritual success so we can finish the race. He promises. We need only respond.

I'm about to reveal a sin in my life and encourage you to avoid the same path and stay on higher ground.

Are you ready?

I would recommend every stay-at-home mom make a list of her typical daily pursuits--not how the days would ideally go, but how they actually go. Then, analyze the list to check on your time management. Did you spend two hours on Facebook or surf the Internet too long each day? Did some other guilty escape occupy too much of your time?

Don't be ashamed, but do give this to the Lord. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, but he does desire a responsive heart.

Prior to being forced into this babysitting job, I was spending too much time reading political Internet news. It became a habit that I justified in the name of being a responsible voter in an election year. But really? I was failing to put things in God's hands, and I admired one political person too much, reading everything I could find on him. Twenty to thirty minutes of news a day was probably appropriate, but I let it get out of hand and I didn't respond quickly enough to the Holy Spirit's prodding, or I responded inconsistently--doing better one day and falling "off the wagon" the next.

I'm ashamed before God. I served myself, not my family. It haunts me that my having to babysit is somewhat of a punishment or a correction. I didn't appreciate enough my status as a stay-at-home mom. And in a sense I didn't fear the Lord.

Staying at home to care for a family is a privileged position, not a right. 

To whom much is given, much is required.

I feel utterly exhausted most days and there's not much pleasure in my life right now. There's a lot of dread. I'm not bitter, but I am very, very sorry. God is using this time in my life, creating in me a purer heart, giving me a greater desire to be a godly mom and wife, instead of one who feels entitled and eats the bread of idleness.

Dealing with hard physical or emotional issues can cause us to seek guilty escapes, and those escapes, unchecked, can prove costly. Sin is always costly. It is forgiven, but still costly.

God promises to give us an escape route when we're tempted, but first, we have to recognize and acknowledge our sin. Escape routes mean nothing to a person in denial. 

Live in the light, God commands. Don't hide sin, acknowledge it and let yourself be purified.

God knows women. He knows what reminders we need. Our culture would have us believe men and women are the same, with the same capabilities and faults, but God doesn't seem to teach that.

Titus 2:3-5  Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.


Proverbs 31:26-31 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. ...

The Proverbs 31 woman, by the way, is not one woman. We can't all be great at everything. It's more of a list of admirable qualities we should pray into our lives. If you read it as a description of one woman, you'll surely get discouraged and give up.

A godly woman keeps a quiet time to center herself on Him. She gives the day's troubles to her Master. Like Mary, she says "Let it be to me as you say. I am the Lord's servant." She is unselfish and generous. She takes care of herself, but she doesn't indulge herself. She doesn't feel entitled, but grateful. She loves with her time, with her prayers, with her words and with her body.

When referring to God, godliness means perfection. But in humans, godliness is a submission, a humility...an acknowledgement of our complete dependence on the Savior and Master.

Our behavior is telling, though. It's an accurate picture of our spiritual state. We are told to look for fruit. When our time here is up, we won't be judged on the way we wanted to behave, but on how we actually behaved.

That's why I advise...take an inventory of how you spend your time. If you find error, there's a heart issue that needs revealing and cleansing. Every sin starts with the wrong attitude of heart.

Working moms are forced to be more time-efficient (unselfish with their time). They have a boss and multiple deadlines, at home and at work. A stay-at-home mom can potentially get more done, spiritually and relationally, but only if she lives each day as though God were watching.

1 Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

I trust God in this, and I don't believe life will be this intensely hard forever. I thank Him for not giving up on me, and for loving me enough to die for me and remake me into His image. 

In the meantime, there are two children who come here for 45 hours a week. If my heart is right, I can introduce the Lord to them and encourage their parents, who really have their hands full with some high-needs children. 

Has the Lord ever corrected you with a major life change? Did you recognize it as such, and how did it come out?

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Trusting

One of the most challenging parts of the Christian walk is...

...what?

Humility? Obedience? Consistency? Trust?

What is it for you now, and has it changed over the years?

Right now, I believe for me it is trust. There are so many unknowns.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding

Psalm 9:10 And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.


I have to trust that even if God never heals Beth's arthritis, she is going to thrive spiritually and emotionally...that neither bitterness nor envy will steal away her joy in Christ...that she will be able to have children and care for them without serious pain...that her strong medicines will not destroy her health over time...that my love will guide her to acceptance and peace.

Psalm 112:7 He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

I have to trust that even if God never heals Peter's OCD and ADHD, Peter is going to live for Christ and work hard to care for himself and his family, accepting and compensating well for his differences, without bitterness or envy, for the glory of God.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Right now, specifically, I have to trust that God will provide a job for me, in His timing. I've completed a childcare profile on Care.com, paid for a background check, advertised on Craigslist, and spread the word locally. Now, it's a wait game, not knowing when my lifestyle will drastically change, or if it will at all.

Did I read God right? Is this what He wants?

I confess I keep checking to see if anyone has responded. Was my ad all wrong? Not enough information...too much? How long might this take?

After clicking refresh way too many times, it hit me. What am I doing? What can't I do the leg work and let it go...walk away and go on with my day, knowing that God has a plan for everything, including my next job, despite my not having worked for 9 years?

I thought I had the spiritual gift of faith, but now I'm not sure.

This trust? It's hard. Trust is the day-to-day manifestation of faith. Trust is believing that God is good, all the time. Trust is believing that the outcomes--even if unexpected and different from what we prayed--will prove better than what we hoped for. And not better in terms of comfort so much, but better spiritually all around.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Trust is living free, letting go...falling backwards without care. In essence, trust is daily living on a spiritual plane, rather than on a physical one. We trust not in our daily physical comfort, but in our daily spiritual growth.

And we get there how? We stay there how?

It's not something we learn one time and keep with us forever. Trust requires refresher courses, as does much of the Christian life. That's why we walk with Christ. We have to tether ourselves to him, much like the European child leashes you see in crowded public places. Children tethered to their parents--something that shocks us Westerners.

I tether myself to Christ by observing my prayer time. The Holy Spirit speaks to me as I release it all in prayer, asking for Christ to reign in me.

I tether myself to Christ by keeping Believers close, who sharpen me in the faith.

I tether myself to Christ by memorizing his Word.

I tether myself to Christ by loving His Word, and picking it up and opening it and reading it.

I tether myself to Christ by studying spiritual concepts through serious Bible study.

I tether myself to Christ by choosing Christian music to bring my thoughts captive to Christ.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Sometimes, when I'm not actively tethering, I pursue certainty instead and certainty becomes my God. I become consumed with outcomes and possibilities, but the Holy Spirit doesn't leave me there. The Shepherd comes calling for me. "Where are you, dear sheep? I no longer see you."

Psalm 91:1-16 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, ...

The Good Shepherd opens my eyes and brings me back into the fold...me, a wayward sheep.

Me...a contented sheep, glad to be back in the Shepherd's fold, enjoying the spiritual bounty.

Are you tethered and enjoying His bounty today?

Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

I'm a Beggar

The longer I live, the more readily I say...life is hard.

But before you click out of this and say.."Forget it, I need something encouraging, not a downer"..let me also add that as bad as things get sometimes, I can always say and really mean..."God is good. He is always good."

We were already completely overwhelmed by Peter's moderate-to-severe OCD, and now my 9-year-old daughter, Mary, is getting worse. She imagines she smells gas daily and is worried about the house blowing up. Any smell, whether good or bad, increases her anxiety. She does rituals, like breathing into her pillow or her jacket sleeve, with the hope of staying alive through the "gas" leak. These rituals point toward OCD, not just your garden-variety anxiety. She also worries about the dates on foods and doesn't eat with the same freedom as before. Both of these issues--chemical contaminants and food spoilage or food contaminants--are common OCD themes.

Just when I thought the stress couldn't get any worse, it did. And just when I thought I couldn't take another day of this life, God showed me how beautiful life is, once again.

In our humanity, we look for bright outcomes. We covet the story about the boy with severe OCD who was chained to his house by his fears, who then went on to lead a completely normal, spiritually productive life, managing the OCD like a champ.

Or we covet the story of a child with a serious physical handicap who healed in adolescence, and went on to adulthood to treat children with chronic medical conditions, with the same kindness she received as a child.

We want these bright and glorious outcomes, and we pray for them over and over. We should pray thus, and with faith. 

But there's also the submission factor involved in the Christian walk. We have to be okay with whatever outcomes God chooses. His vision is not our vision, though we become more Christ-like every time we choose to submit our lives to His will.


There are a lot of things that feel impossible about my life right now. I feel too weak and sinful for the tasks set before me. But my pride and my own agenda weaken more all the time. The impossibility of solving anything on my own necessarily makes me a beggar. A grateful beggar.

Lord, I put my children and my marriage into your hands. I let go of my own agenda. I submit my will to yours and ask that you make us not more successful, but more godly.

In your precious name I pray, Amen.

Verses for Strength:

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

1 Samuel 30:6 And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.

1 Peter 4:11 whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage


image

(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.
Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.
Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:
The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.
Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.
Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.
Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:
Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”
DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).
For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.
I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.
3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.
4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/
5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:
7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:
8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:
9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Homeschool Day in the Life (and Elsie Dinsmore)


I am waiting to see how a natural, workable rhythm develops before I write a daily schedule. A few weeks into school, this is how our days are rolling.

My husband gets home at 7 PM, making us night people (though we are naturally, anyway). The kids go to bed at 9:00 (girls) and 10:00 (boys). I go to bed between 11:00 PM and 1:00 AM, and my husband retires between 10:30 and 11:30.

7:30 - 8:00 - My two girls (ages 6 and 8) and I wake up, while the boys sleep until 8:30 or 9:30 (boys are 11 and 13). The boys don't always fall asleep as soon as we put them to bed, and since studies show teens need morning sleep, I don't try to alter their wake-up time.

I start slowly in the mornings due to chronic headaches, but within an hour I begin making oatmeal and start the laundry. The girls have about 90 minutes of free time, during which they will draw, or play dress-up and pretend they are orphans, or school marms, or enter into some other make-believe world.

When alone, Mary is all about nature (frogs, toads, praying mantises, grasshoppers, crayfish, snakes), but with Beth she is all about pretending, and engaging in very physical play. My girls' energy levels are more what you'd expect from a couple of boys. They are hyper, touchy-feely, and exuberant (read: exhausting but full of love and charm).

9:30 - We start seatwork, comprised of journal writing and grammar for the boys, and narration, copywork, journal writing, and math fact practice for the girls.

Boys Writing: The boys either have a question to respond to about a Sonlight novel, or they do a 10-minute writing plunge from the teacher's manual of Jump IN: A Workbook for Reluctant and Eager Writers. Once a week, they choose one of their ten-minute writing plunges to rewrite for a grade. Otherwise, the plunges stay in rough-draft form. Plunges help writers develop their writing voice.

The Sonlight literature-response questions often take two days to respond to, with the second day including a rewrite (I give the questions, not the Sonlight curriculum).

Girls' Writing: I read a literary selection from Writing With Ease 1 and ask the girls questions about it, and then have them narrate it back to me. I then have them formulate one or two sentences about the passage, and they watch and help while I write it. I have them read it carefully back to me, and then those sentences become their copy work.

Two to three days a week, they free write in their journals.

After I get the girls to the copywork point, I start making our bread for lunch using our breadmaker on the dough cycle. It kneads it twice and after the first major rise, I roll out the bubbles with a rolling pin and shape the dough, placing it in a bread pan to rise in our oven for 45 minutes, followed by baking for 30 minutes.

10:30 - Next, I take my shower, during which my girls watch Wild Kratt's on the Kindle (no TV signal here) or access a Reading Rainbow book on the Kindle. The Kindle is best at this time because my girls are too rambunctious to be left unsupervised without a structured, quiet activity in place. It is very stressful to be showering and listening to rambunctiousness, wondering who is going to end up with stitches at the ER.

During my shower, my boys continue school with novel reading or science reading. They're in the same grade so they have to share all materials, alternating the use of their books.

11:30 - After my shower the girls do more math with me, and then all the children have outdoor time, while I work on dishes and laundry.

1:00 to 1:30 - Next, the bread is sliced and we have lunch, followed by devotions.

1:30 - 2:00 Devotions starts around this time and goes for about an hour. The children draw during the readings, but not during prayer. First, I read aloud from the Bible, followed by my reading an Elsie Dinsmore novel, which read more like devotionals.

Following the reading, we all take turns praying, with me including in my prayers a request to guide our characters according to what we read from the Bible passage and/or the Elsie Dinsmore.

I bought the first three Elsie books for a couple dollars each, which we read on the Kindle Paperwhite, but the rest of them we are accessing from Project Gutenberg for free on the Kindle Fire (see bottom of this link for all the Gutenberg links).

That's it for now. The second half of our day will be detailed next week.

Literary notes about Elsie Dinsmore (because it's controversial) and other sentimental, 19th century literature

Written between 1867 and 1905, the Elsie Dinsmore novels are didactic in nature, written with the purpose of influencing the spiritual growth of women and children (though appropriate and interesting to boys, too). After the first 12 novels of the series, the books read more like travelogues, with weaker or non-existent plots. Originally, I thought we'd read the whole series, but after researching it, we probably won't get beyond the first 6 or 7 as a family.

After the turn of the century, Americans, less evangelical as a whole, enjoyed pluckier heroines like Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables - 1908) and Jo March (Little Women - 1868). Though there's very little Bible in Little Women (Alcott wasn't a Christian, but a transcendentalist), it's still a coming-of-age character-shaping book, which many adult readers claim is too moralistic.

We've come a long way in the wrong direction, haven't we, in girls' and women's literature? No longer is the character or moral development of the reader any concern at all, which is why evangelicals are primarily responsible for the rebirth of Elsie Dinsmore. After outselling all but Little Women, (Elsie Dinsmore selling 5 million copies during its 70-year market reign) the Elsie series went out of print for 30 years, starting in 1943.

Including British readers, Elsie enjoyed 25 million readers--a figure encompassing more than just the first novel.

Martha Finley, the author, was an unmarried minister's daughter who wrote Sunday School literature. She suffered chronic back problems which left her often bedridden and dependent on her brother financially. Unsatisfied with her plight, she prayed that the Lord would provide her with some means of an income. Shortly thereafter, Elsie Dinsmore was born, and so adored that the public kept demanding more and more sequels, even dictating the name and subject matter of Elsie's Widowhood.

While Elsie was beloved by the reading public, critics didn't review it positively, and still don't for the most part, partly because of a lack of understanding of the genre itself, and the audience for which Elsie was intended. Nineteenth-century women's and girls' writings included stylistic flaws (like overuse of adverbs and telling with passive verbs, rather than showing, and with dialogue of the he said-she said variety) at which literary critics turn up their noses. The writings reflected the conservative Protestant era and conscience, in which character and religious training were of utmost importance.

I should add here that Miss Finley's writing does include exceptional vocabulary words (most still used today in learned circles). It's sure to expand the expressive and receptive vocabularies of your whole family. Also, note that her sentence structures are varied and complex. This is not twaddle by an means. It is good literature, just not quite expert.  Little Women, which most regard as good literature, was written with the same stylistic characteristics, and indeed both authors wrote far and away better than JK Rowling (Harry Potter), for example.

Other examples of these didactic, sentimental (also called domestic) fiction writings include Susan Warner's Wide, Wide World (1850), Harriet Beecher Stow's Uncle Tom's Cabin (1852), and Maria Susanna Cummins' The Lamplighter (1854). The era most known for these writings was 1850 until after 1870.

Elsie Dinsmore is controversial (either loved or hated) for various reasons, all of which I'll address:

~ The relationship between Elsie and her father, Horace, is described by modern-day critics to be too erotic (too much kissing and caressing). I've even seen this accusation on evangelical, homeschooling sites (homeschoolers and evangelicals are the largest reading public right now for Elsie Dinsmore). This accusation is entirely related to the outdated language, which we cannot, in our era, understand, due to our overly-sexualized culture. A caress or a passionate kiss did not constitute sexual language in that era. Also, I think we're just plain less affectionate nowadays, which isn't a good thing for children and young people.

~ Elsie cries a lot and the overall emotion of the novel is entirely overwrought, which sickens some readers. Emotion doesn't bother me, folks. I'm sappy, sappy, sappy and my kids are sappy too. My husband stands out as the only non-sappy one here. I can only say in Elsie's (or the author Martha Finley's) defense that this was, after all, termed sentimental fiction for a reason. It's supposed to tug on your heartstrings and make you weep for your beloved little heroine.

~ Elsie's character is too perfect and unrealistic. Some people hate her for her goodness and her spouting of Scripture constantly. Kids can't relate to her, critics say. Well, again, this is didactic literature, meant to influence women and girls' consciences. It is supposed to be like Pilgrim's Progress--suitable for futhering one's Christian growth and development. And Elsie is very humble, always saying she's a wicked sinner saved by grace. She loves the Lord exceedingly, partly because she had no family to speak of for the first 8 years of her life, and then some. Her relationship with the Lord is how she handles everything that comes her way. It is safe to say that her personal relationship with Jesus is what the Lord would have us all enjoy. The Lord is her strength and her song.

Also, Elsie is not supposed to be a real person, but a vehicle by which girls and women can be spurred on in their faith. My four children love and admire Elsie, and are never worried that they can't measure up to her, partly because Elsie does have a flaw (stubbornness), making her seeming angelic personality more of an illustration that we can never be good enough for God--and thus, the Cross. She is a very good little girl, and very obedient, except when her unbelieving father asks her to do something that violates her strict Sabbath observation. The problem is, she chooses something minor to make a stand on, which makes her case less compelling than it could be.

As you'll see if you read it, both Elsie and her father suffer from the same major flaw.

~ Elsie Dinsmore is racist literature. There is an Elsie Dinsmore Life of Faith modern rewrite that takes out some of the racist parts, but leaves out historical information. The original Elsie Dinsmore includes speech and attitudes which reflect a romanticized view of plantation living. Elsie is very rich and owns slaves, but she treats them well, buying them Christmas gifts and attending to them when they are sick, procuring doctors for them when needed, reading the Bible to them, and genuinely loving them. Later, she builds a school to educate them (after slavery was abolished), and her own slaves stay with her to work for wages--wages better than any other plantation owner pays. Elsie's slaves adore her and never want to leave.

Now, Martha Finley lived in the North, so it's fair to say she didn't have first-hand knowledge of plantation life. She treats the Civil War itself fairly, not siding with one or the other, but she presents a benevolent view of slavery--almost as though Elsie was doing her slaves a favor in owning them.

This novel is a reflection not of a slave's desire to be owned, but of the mixed views and emotions about which Christians thought of slavery. The idea that if you treat your slaves well, then it is okay to own another person, is of course ludicrous. It is offensive, but we have to regard period literature as a reflection of its time.

Someday, in regard to abortion, our society may be regarded as barbaric, depending on how views change over decades and centuries--and on how God intervenes. I would hope, like with slavery, that history makes the more righteous about-face. It took a very long time for views on slavery to change, and I fear it may be the same for abortion.

~ Elsie's father is cruel and abusive, and Elsie never stands up for herself (too passive). True, Elsie's father in the first two books can be cruel and jealous. These first two books are intense, until he becomes a Christian at the end of the second. Martha Finley initially wrote one long book, which the publishers broke up into two novels, explaining why Elsie Dinsmore ends abruptly, and the second book Elsie's Holidays at Roselands, picks up as if it's the next paragraph.

One more characteristic of sentimental women's fiction is that the female lead is redeemed through her submission to her father (usually) and to God. Her growth and maturity are earned through her eventual, successful management of her will. It's not a saved-by-works philosophy, but a saved-by-submission philosophy, with the Lord working the miracle in the heart of the heroine, and sustaining her through the process. Elsie is saved even at the beginning of the novel, but it is her submission to and deep and abiding love for God, throughout the novel, that eventually wins her father over.

She sacrifices herself to submit to God, becoming ill, and the symbolism (whether Martha Finley intended it, I don't know) at the end of the ordeal, is of her dying and coming back to consciousness, giving her father time to reflect on his cruel behavior and heart, and then submitting his own life to the Lord. It reminds one of Christ's sacrificial death that ultimately redeems us.

Contrast this with the plucky-girls literature popular after the turn of the century, in which girls matured and gained in poise and character through the passage of time, rather than through faith in the Lord, or through submission, or through any adherence to Scripture.

I love Elsie Dinsmore because she fills a void in modern society--at least in modern Christian society. As a character who deeply loves the Lord and wants to please him above all else, she is one of a kind. My children love her dearly, too.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Your results may vary.

And thanks for reading today!

Weekly Wrap-Up

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Parenting Your Christian Teen, Part 3


A Look Back at My Own Youth (Class of 1984, and Class of 1989)

I don't remember being boy crazy as a teen. Looking back, time spent with my best friends was more of a highlight for me, especially since I wasn't close to my sister, brother, or to my parents. My best friends and I went out for a lot of girl-talk frozen yogurts, and boys didn't necessary monopolize our conversations.

I can still smell that frozen yogurt shop aroma like it was yesterday.

Life is so very short. Next March I'll be 50 and I can still feel the bench under me and I can still see my friends' faces as we sat there, eating our favorite dessert three to four times a week, from age 16 up to college.

All my friends went to San Diego State and I went to UCSD in La Jolla, CA, about 40 minutes away. There were still yogurt stops after that and we got together for dinners all through college, but never at that same shop near our high school.

The most daring thing we did in high school was participate in Senior Ditch Day, by going to Balboa Park in downtown San Diego. We visited the museums and toured the pretty grounds that day. I can still feel the giddy joy like it was yesterday.

Yes, life is short.

Today we went to the thrift store and Mary picked out a costume-style wedding veil. She put it on and danced around looking beautiful and my tears flowed because yes, the years pass so quickly and in a snap a real veil will be on her head.

While all my friends were very nice and lacked any rebelliousness, I think one steered me away from spiritual things without either of us realizing it. She rejected all religion, thinking it nonsensical, though she went to Catholic Church with her parents as long as they required it.

We were important in each other's weddings and were fairly close until I moved here in 2005 (though less so after I became a Christian at age 31 in 1997). To this day while she remains a good person, she's agnostic or atheist and we exchange Christmas cards and letters, not having anything in common now, other than each having four children.

My Worldview and How it Developed

The whole experience reminds me that even when our children's friends aren't dangerous, in terms of drinking, using drugs, or going to wild parties, they can still negatively influence our children. I adopted some of my friend's views, even if I didn't become another person entirely. The hours we spent together allowed her to influence my worldview more strongly than my own parents, with whom I scarcely spoke about anything serious.

My parents were ignorant of the importance of instilling a worldview, so I adopted one from the world, surmising that the majority view must be the right one. Though it was a whole lot tamer than today's version, my worldview was: Moral Relativism. Go with your conscious. If it feels right to you, it probably is. When I say a lot tamer, keep in mind that I didn't know of anyone having sex in high school. 85% of kids were still kids in the early 1980's.

I didn't receive much attention from boys as a teen, possibly due to shyness and acne I couldn't hide. My first date was the summer before my senior year, at age 17 and a half. I'm not sure what my parents were thinking, but the date was with a 23-year-old college student I'd met while working in a frozen yogurt shop. He wasn't unkind to me or anything, but I regret going to prom with someone who didn't even go to my high school. I broke up with him after my freshman year of college.

Thinking back to my high-school classes, there was one goofy boy I enjoyed sitting behind in Spanish. He was funny and nice. Then there was another nice, more serious boy who sat behind me in Algebra 2 and he did ask me out senior year, but I had to say no because of the college student. I still regret that to this day. That boy would have been a far healthier choice for a nearly 18-year-old girl.

The World is Different Now

Fast forward all these years, and things are drastically different. Girls are taught early from the media, from clothing outlets, from movies and shows that it's cute to be boy crazy. In fact, girls are aggressively pursuing boys, prompting me to buy the book Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys a couple years ago.

I think it behooves every Christian parenting couple to sit down and decide what kind of young lady (or young man) they want to raise (before the teen years), and also decide what boundaries will be put in place and why. Consult your Bible as you do this, and read from sites or books that write from a Christian worldview.

While all the groundwork for your child's growing faith (and for their positive relationship with you) were hopefully laid out in their earlier years, there's still much work to be done to prepare for the pivotal adolescent years. The stakes are very high and we cannot afford to stumble into these years as parents.

Keep a running journal and prayer list as you contemplate these questions. I put in links to helpful articles throughout this list.

1.  What will be done, if anything, to guard your daughter's (or son's) purity? Will your child know she (or he) can come to you if she does mess up, and still be loved and cherished by her parents?

2.  What kind of attire will be tolerated and how will it be enforced?

3. Will there be texts and phone calls from your daughter to teen boys? Or vice versa? Starting at what age?

See Real Women Don't Text Back at Christianity Today. And Real Men Don't Text.

4. Will there be a social media presence? At what age and for what purpose?

5.  Will you know your daughter's or son's friends well? How will it be accomplished and what types of friends will be acceptable?

See How Do I Teach My Kids to Handle Peer Pressure?

6. Will your daughter be allowed on dates, and if so, at what age? Dates alone, or with groups? And who will make an acceptable chaperon?

7. Will Dad interview the dates beforehand?

8. Will you teach sexuality from a biblical perspective, and with what materials, other than the Bible?

9. How will you grow your child's heart for God in the teen years? 

10. How much participation in youth group will there be, and how will the interactions be monitored? Can you make time to get involved?

My boys just went today to help build VBS props at church, along with other youth and the women involved. The youth director talked to the kids about Man Night, which is an all-nighter coming up at church for youth boys. He wanted to show PG-13 movies that have scary content, and so he asked Paul how old he was (11 years old). "Oh, that will be a problem", said the youth director. He said he still might show Gladiator, but not the others he was thinking about, considering my son's and other incoming middle schoolers' ages.

So, apparently, the youth director has much different ideas about movies than we do. We don't do PG-13 or R, and he talked about Gladiators, which I looked up and found to be R. The Christian review said it was very gory. My kids can't do anything remotely scary or there are sleep problems.

Ask me sometime about the Diary of a Wimpy Kid and how the cheese-touch thing in that movie freaked out my girls. Beth needed me in her bed for 3 nights after that. Yes, the cheese touch.

We haven't even been able to see the Narnia films because they are also scary. Everyone has a different tolerance for scary material, and I suppose if you never show them, the tolerance doesn't build up, even for good but scary movies. The age difference between our children also presents a problem. The boys didn't like Wimpy Kid much, but it certainly didn't affect their sleep.

I don't know whether my boys will actually go to Man Night or not, (still praying) but this is an example of how we all have to decide how much influence youth pastors and workers will have on our children. They won't necessarily share our philosophies and values. Discussions may have to follow or precede some events, and some events we might have to pass on.

How do you like your church youth group so far? How are you managing these parenting years?

See Part 1 of this series here,
Part 2 here
Part 4 here


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Parenting Your Christian Teen, Part 2



In a half year my eldest daughter will turn 9 years old. Our library considers her a tween come this fall and I'm not ready.

I love my daughter passionately and I want nothing other than God's best for her. I'm old and I've lived my glory years and I'm not interested in living through her, or molding her into a miniature of myself. I want to seek the face of God as I listen to and study my beautiful daughter. She is a gift and I want to know her as the woman God had in mind when he knit her in my womb.

I want to introduce her to that woman, one day at a time.

I'm comfortable in my own skin more than ever before, and also more than ever, I see myself as enough. I'm enough for God, enough for my family, enough for my fellow man.

For many years I wasn't sure I was enough, and I'd like to spare my daughter that angst and wasted time. I left home for a college dorm at age 18 and my cup was empty. When my own daughter leaves home, I want her cup overflowing...not just with my love, but with God's love, His grace, and His purpose.

I see a beautiful, energetic, imaginative young lady with a heart for the poor and the lost. A see a young person intent on doing good and right, but with a stubborn streak known to most mothers of girls.

I already know my girls need different things from me than do my sons. So far, we're good. Both girls love to cuddle up to me at bedtime, storytime, in the church pew, and during devotional time. There's no ongoing tension and it's easy being together. Our positive mother-daughter bond is the foundation upon which we will enter the tween years together.

I don't know much about tween girls; they're beyond my expertise or wisdom, so the first thing I'm going to do differently is spend more one-on-one time with my Mary, to listen, to observe, to study her, separately from her sister, who is 24 months younger, with different needs.

I'm also looking for resources and I trust the Lord to provide.

I'm going to pray specifically for her 9th year, and then for her 10th, and then for her 11th, and so on. We're going to take this one day at a time, one year at a time, for the glory of God.

Because why do we parent, ultimately? For the glory of God. It's all for Him.

Two books you might want to check out:


Synopsis: You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

In a book based on her run-away blog post "Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage Girls,” which garnered more than 2 million views in two weeks, Kate Conner calls us to action in Enough. We all have teenage girls in our lives who we love, whether it’s a sister, friend, or daughter. Kate has identified 10 things these girls need to hear today from someone who loves her.

Peppered with wit and laced with grace, Kate’s list tackles relevant issues like Facebook, emotions, drama, tanning beds, modesty, and flirtation. Woven into each chapter is a powerful message of worth that transcends age, and will touch the souls of women, young and old alike: You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

A former youth-worker, wife to a college minister, and a young mom in her twenties, Conner stands squarely in generational gap, the perfect place from which to bridge it. Conner offers herself as a translator, helping you to speak your teenager’s language and equipping you with a fresh perspective from which to engage your teenage girl—one that may enable her to truly hear your heart (and your wisdom) for the first time since puberty.


Here are the ten things she wrote in that blog post, by the way (the book expounds on each one):

1. If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys.

2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.

3. When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we know exactly who you’re talking about.

4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama.

5. “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.

6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.

7. Smoking is not cool.

8. Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”

9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.

10. You are beautiful. You are enough.


A companion book to give to your daughter.

About the Author:

Kate Elizabeth Conner is a 27-year-old writer, speaker, and first generation southerner who spends her days learning braille, counseling teenagers via text message, and adjusting to life in middle Georgia. She is married to a college pastor and has three impossibly beautiful children who only make her crazy 97% of the time. Kate authors a self-titled blog, which received more than three million views in two years, due in part to her viral post, 10 Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls. Kate writes about surviving parenthood, teenagers, and her twenties with her faith and sense of humor intact. She believes in music, coffee, and prose – and in all the world, nothing has taken hold of her like Christ.

Another great resource is this article by a youth minister:


So, how are you doing Momma? Do you have a tween or teen girl in the house? Do you feel ready?

Part 1 of this teen series here.
Part 3 here
Part 4 here

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Open Letter to Bristol Palin...And to the Church

Dear Bristol,

I know you said you didn't want lectures or sympathy, but I am going to give you both, anyway, as one of your elders and as a fellow Christian representing Christ and his church, which you have called your own.

I don't write to you or to the Church because I am without sin, or because I have less of it in my life than others. Rather, I am writing as one who has the gift of discernment. God tells us that first, no one gift is better than another, and secondly, we must use the gifts we were given to help build the Church. They aren't to be hidden away because it's too much trouble to bother.

Understand, I am not judging you, Bristol. I'm merely writing to highlight what I see as a problem in the Church--a Church that's failing to make disciples. Internal sin hinders the Church terribly and makes it a mockery.

I want to commend you on several fronts, beforehand.

Firstly, I am glad you have loved your son Tripp so well. I rejoice that you believe every life is precious. I commend you for carrying this new baby, despite the horrific cost to you personally, in light of your public life. I too believe every baby is a blessing.

And Bristol, I'm sincerely sorry you have been disappointed in love and that this pregnancy doesn't come at a happier time in your life. My heart aches for you over that disappointment. Truly, people will disappoint us--whether it's husband, parents, children or friends--they will all disappoint, which is why we have to cling to the Lord harder than to anyone or anything.

You had the best of intentions and I'm sure you'd like credit for those. I heard that some years back you told Oprah you wouldn't engage in any further premarital sex. And as the left loves to remind you, you got paid a high salary to speak on behalf of an abstinence campaign. Yes, this puts you in an embarrassing situation now--one that's inviting the worst of the You Hypocrite! comments regularly lobbied at Christians. I want to address your response to these attacks, and your response to your own sin.

But first, about your paid ventures, such as the abstinence campaign: I clearly see that you and your mother are entrepreneurs and when opportunities come, either by chance or through your savvy smarts, you take them. As a single mom with no education to fall back on, you are right to do what you can to support your child. No one can begrudge you that.

Entrepreneurs have a certain set of strengths and weaknesses, and impulsiveness is unfortunately one of the weaknesses, which has gotten you and your mother into trouble through carelessly tossed comments--comments that, while perhaps true, too often are devoid of grace and gentleness. Your tones exude defiance rather than humility, which is understandable given the viciousness of the personal comments you and your family have received over the years. The minute we name Christ, we're vulnerable to attacks.

God wants us to clothe ourselves in grace and gentleness. Our enemies being vicious toward us does not justify defiance, defensiveness and sarcasm, at the expense of humility and grace. When we fall and speak rashly, we need to apologize for our lack of graciousness. There is something very noble about these two words, sincerely offered: I'm sorry. 

My own carelessly tossed words toward an enemy brought condemnation on me, and the Lord taught me the humility necessary to say I'm sorry, even to one who hates me and didn't deserve my apology. The apology wasn't for my enemy, but for the Lord and his bride, the Church. Sometimes we don't get to be individuals in the Church. We must see ourselves as part of a Body, to whom we have an obligation.

Maybe I'm sorry won't satisfy the left, but it will please the Lord, to whom you owe everything.

Now I'm going to address what most bothers me about your overall attitude. I haven't read your bestselling book about the forgiveness and redemption God blessed you with following your 2008 fall from grace. Maybe it was very contrite and I rejoice if that is true.

But as a fellow member of the Church, I am saddened by your first blog post announcing your new pregnancy, and your following  "Update" post, in which you're pictured making a zero sign with your hand, indicating how much you care about the negativity lobbied at you.

This zero sign smacks of defiance, in the face of a sin God finds grievous. You can't afford this attitude right now and neither can the Church. My whole spirit groaned when I saw it, Bristol.

And here's your initial announcement, which also has its problems, spiritually speaking:

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) This is not gracious, Bristol. You became a public figure by choice when you began taking jobs that put you into the public eye. When you were a teen, you were thrown into the public eye, but in your twenties, you chose it. Be gracious to the public no matter if they deserve it or not. Be humble and consider that you are impulsive sometimes. Have a plan to pray about your words before publishing them. The more famous you are, the more responsibility you have. To whom much is given, much is expected.
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Let's not speak of dignity and grace without considering what it looks like, first. I agree you are capable of this. However, without clothing yourself in humility, dignity and grace will allude you. Acknowledge your sin as many times as you have to when you address the public outcry. Or, give up your public persona and live as a private citizen. God allows notoriety for Christians, and with it comes responsibility. Yes, I said that before, but it needs repeating for any Christian in the public eye.
Recall when the Duggars were thrown into the public eye to a greater extent because of Josh's sin. They didn't respond snarkily, but humbly. They remained humble and gracious throughout.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Your children need your strength and not viewing yourself as a victim is commendable, however, life does not just happen. We make choices and God demands that we take the consequences even while he forgives. Sin is incredibly costly for us personally and for the Church. Thus, you are having trouble keeping your chin up emotionally as you live the consequences. This is to be expected. The cost of your sin will be high for you and your two children forever, even as God gives you the hope to face tomorrow.
I wish you had said something about the cost to your children. We love our children with our prudent choices on their behalf, as much as with our hugs and our time with them. As always, love requires dying to self and this is something your children are going to look for in your history, as they reflect back on their childhoods. Yes, mom gave birth to us despite the public ridicule, but did she also live her life with tender care for our overall well being--for our salvation, above all? Bristol, I have to ask myself these same types of questions as a mother, everyday. Every mother needs to remember: I no longer fly solo in my everyday decisions. God is merciful, but the stakes are high for parents and without putting God first intentionally, who gives us wisdom and insight, we will mess up frequently, and our children will identify our mistakes in their own minds someday, to our shame and regret.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. Or, when life gets tough, there is the option to embrace humility and clothe ourselves in it. I'm not sure God wants you to get tougher, Bristol. I think he wants you to have a contrite spirit and realize that to avoid sin, you have to be intentional. You have to view yourself as incredibly fallen and sinful. Only through this lens do we take terribly seriously the need to walk away from temptation. God always provides a way out of temptation, and we have to locate that way out and keep our eyes on it.
You needed to avoid being alone with your boyfriend/fiance. You needed to have the humility necessary to plan not to be alone with him. Planning not to sin is how we avoid sin, and yes, this is the lecture you didn't want and said you didn't need. Passion is more than human beings can handle unless we put it under God's rule, just as too much money is more than most of us can handle, unless we put it under God's rule. Without a plan, no single or single-again person remains chaste--nor does a wife or husband who allows themselves to be alone with the opposite sex, or allows themselves to share their personal life with the same, resulting in an emotional affair.
Any other stance regarding sin is magical thinking--and magical thinking has weakened the Church. We all exercise way too much of this. You are not alone here, Bristol. Magical thinking is crushing the Church, making her more and more irrelevant.
I see it in my own life as well, Bristol, and your pain has been a reminder that I need to address every last sin in my life with an intentional plan, starting with a note on my computer: Set a timer now. No escapism allowed. For this is what intention looks like, and yes, even with it we will sometimes fall. Thus, the Cross. But the cross is cheapened when we sin on a regular basis, willfully or through lack of an intentional plan. Indeed, without a plan to identify the escape route God provides, maybe we are willfully sinning. This judgement is up to God.
But she was engaged, some people say. I understand this may seem like the time to relax your standards--when the ring is already on the finger. A ring doesn't matter in the least in terms of sin. People change their minds and they fall out of lust/love quickly--and this is especially true when we fall sexually. Disdain for the object of our passion is common after our sin.
If you ever want to be married, Bristol, understand that the minute you say yes to passion before marriage, you will love yourself and your partner less because of it. Nothing kills love like shame and disgust. I'm sorry the shame isn't equally shared by your ex-fiance in society's eyes, but believe me, God is just as displeased with him. His walk before God will not be easy if he doesn't do the right thing.
I want to see your joyful face in the future as a mother and wife, and I just don't think that will happen if you don't receive and take to heart a bit of lecturing. We all need spiritual sharpening and we mustn't begrudge it haughtily.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. While this is nice, it falls short of admitting sin. It falls short of saying: I'm sorry I stained the Church. I'm sorry I didn't take more seriously my high position and consider what good I could have done for the Church. Part of the disdain against you, Bristol, is due to your wording here: This simply isn't a contrite heart asking for forgiveness. It isn't a heart that's been humbled enough to say: I have sinned against God, against the Church, against my fiance, and against my children. I humbly ask for your forgiveness, and I need your prayers so I can do right by God and by the Church, going forward.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful. He'd be far more merciful if you were far more contrite. I urge you to put out a new statement, Bristol. One that points to the terrible consequences of sin. One that shows you truly understand your failings. One that expresses sorrow that you did not live up to the hopes of the organizations who paid you to encourage abstinence. One that shows you understand we are part of one body, the Church, and you let the Church down too, not just your family, friends, and blog followers. I urge you to say the obvious to young people: Do not be alone with your date, for passion is something bigger than you. Tell them to be intentional with this, and that they need to ask someone to hold them accountable. Understanding the need for accountability is part of humility. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Whether you ever get paid again for a public appearance, or book, or not, do the good you can right now. Go low and humble for the glory of God. Use this opportunity not to make a defiant zero with your finger, but to make amends. After you adopt this stance, God will make beauty from ashes. 

And the same is true for the rest of us. Want beauty from ashes? We have to give up what we want for ourselves or our image, and bow low. We're all in the same boat here. All with the same scarlet letter Bristol wears. All defiant and fighting humility like it's our worst enemy, instead of our way Home.