I do love to write still, but can't seem to get to this space for my usual fix. This week, however, I wrote out a personal testimony of submission to God for my middle schoolers in Trek class. We were finishing up an entire 7-week unit on submission.
Some of you have read a bit of my story before, but this is everything God has done in my life in the last 18 years, as written to the middle schoolers. It's long, but then, 18 years is a lot of lessons.
Some of you have read a bit of my story before, but this is everything God has done in my life in the last 18 years, as written to the middle schoolers. It's long, but then, 18 years is a lot of lessons.
7 Weeks on Submission
Reviewing Concepts
1. The path
to greatness is through serving.
2. We should
aim not to be first, but to be last.
3.
Christians need to tell factual stories of what God has done in the Bible, and
about what he has done in our personal lives. Another word for these factual
stories is testimonies.
4. It is not
easy or always safe to be God’s servant.
5. Satan
knows how to tempt us. He knows our desires, and he will tempt us all through
life, especially when we are vulnerable (feeling weak). We can follow Jesus’
lead and defeat Satan just like Jesus did during his 40 days of temptation.
6. God’s
servants will be rejected by the world.
A Personal Testimony
about Submitting to God
I grew up in
a non-Christian home and it wasn’t until age 31 that I came to know Christ as
my personal Savior. I was single all that time, teaching first grade in the
high desert of California, about 90 minutes from Los Angeles. After my ninth
year of teaching--two years after I became a Christian--I married a Christian
man, continuing classroom teaching for two more years after, during which I
suffered a miscarriage in my fifth month of pregnancy. I waited a long time for
a husband and family, and I wanted my baby more than anything. All my dreams
were shattered when they told me during an ultrasound that my baby boy had no
heartbeat—and this after I saw him doing flips on ultrasound a month earlier,
seemingly healthy.
The
miscarriage occurred only 17 months after my wedding day, and even though I was
happily married, for several weeks I wanted Jesus to take me home. The baby
seemed like everything to me and I just didn’t have hope anymore. People told
me that such things occur to women all the time, and that I best just accept it
and get over it—that I wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last to suffer a
miscarriage.
The facts
are, about 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages, and most of
them before 12 weeks gestation.
My heart was
broken and the callous remarks left me feeling emptier and more alone. Like
Elizabeth in the Bible, I felt shame because my body didn’t perform as it was
supposed to. I began noticing dozens of largely pregnant, happy women. Yes, it
didn’t make sense, but I felt unworthy of being a woman. I trusted God and
loved Him just as much even through the worst of the grief, but I had lost my innocence about
happiness. Previously I thought that happiness was attainable—that everyone
was going to experience happiness in some way. I felt entitled to happiness before that miscarriage.
I was
desperate to be pregnant again. Really desperate, but it didn’t happen for five
long months. In fact, it didn’t happen until I completely submitted to God in
regard to my future as a mother. He might make me a mother, or He might not, but it was his story to write. I might be happy for a time, or not, but it was His story to write. I was
finally like Mary, saying to God…”Let it be to me as you say.”
I grew as a
servant of God. I grew to understand that God promises His presence, His love,
and His provision. He doesn’t
promise that we’ll have everything we want, or even most of the things we
want—including a spouse and family. His
purposes and His plan are higher than ours, and as his servants, we have to
submit to that plan, no matter what it costs us.
I did get
pregnant again, and finding out was the best day of my life! I wept, while worshipping the God who gives
and takes away, but would never forsake me.
The bliss
didn’t last the whole pregnancy, for at the 20-week ultrasound they told me my
baby had hydrocephalus (brain swelling) and a swollen kidney. Those first few
days, I forgot all about my plan to submit to God, and I lamented…”How could this be happening, God! Why
would you allow tragedy twice in a row?”
While I
trusted God, I began to believe even further that as Christians we cannot
anticipate happiness in earthly things. Children get sick. They die. Spouses
die. Nothing is for sure. Only God is unchanging, ever-present, always loving,
and always working for our good. He deserves all of our allegiance, even while
our hearts are breaking.
Joy in Christ is always ours for the
taking. But happiness is circumstantial—it depends on what’s happening in our lives. Happiness comes
and goes.
Two days
after our bad ultrasound news, a specialist could only confirm that my baby had
swollen kidneys; there was no sign of brain swelling. We rejoiced, once more
believing we might be parents yet. I dared to hope that everything would come
out okay, and even though there were some pre-term labor problems, everything
did come out okay. My baby was born at 37 weeks gestation. After birth, he had
no kidney or brain problems.
Twenty-two
months later I had another son, Paul. We were overjoyed.
After my
first son was born, I had quit teaching full-time and started working part-time
as a homeschooling facilitator in California, where our home was. My husband did
not make enough for me to stay home, but God in his graciousness allowed me to work
mostly from home. I had prayed desperately for months for the ability to stay
home; to be a mother to the miracle in my arms was all I wanted. I now saw
children as a gift, not as a right
for every adult woman. Babies were placed in my arms by my loving Heavenly
Father, and everything I did as a mother was an act of gratitude.
God managed
to give me a position that only required a babysitter for several hours a week,
which was a miracle, for quitting work entirely wasn’t possible. My income was
needed to avoid bankruptcy and defaulting on our obligations.
Though the
situation was ideal, it wasn’t what I wanted for my children. It was just second
best. There was a great deal of stress in trying to work as a mother of a baby
and a toddler.
Little did I
know, that God was at work still, planning to give me the desire of my heart.
I got
pregnant again (third child) and since I was already having trouble keeping up
with my professional work, I knew something had to change. I couldn’t be both a
good mom and a good employee. My heart was at home and leaving my children for
even a couple hours left me feeling extremely anxious. Some women can do both
well (balance work and home), but God didn’t create me like that.
We put our 3-bedroom,
modest California home up for sale in 2005. We had only owned a home for three
years, but if it sold in that high-market period, we would have enough equity
to pay off $26,000 in student loans, plus paying off two cars and other bills, and
leaving enough to move and get a mortgage on another modest house in a cheaper state. We
decided to go without a job to the new state, on faith that one would be
obtained.
The house
sold in two weeks, and I began speaking with an aunt in Ohio about housing
prices. We had no family left anywhere in California, and having at least one
aunt around—who happened to be my only Christian relative--seemed like a dream.
Unfortunately,
as soon as we sold our house, I suffered another miscarriage at 10 weeks
gestation. It was devastating, but we moved anyway since we had sold the house.
It seemed as though God had orchestrated the whole thing.
After the
move I began staying home in Ohio with my two boys full-time. In what still seems like a miracle, God gave
me the desire of my heart. Peter was 3 and a half, and Paul only 22 months. I
babysat for extra money, and my husband worked very hard for us in a modest,
relatively low-paying job.
I was 39
when we moved to Ohio, and to my amazement, two surprise babies were born to us
when I was 40 and 42 years old, and they are fabulous blessings—two girls, now
6 and 8. God was so faithful to the desires of my heart, but he didn’t have to be. He blessed me beyond my wildest dreams,
and even though my children have some troublesome health problems, I feel
incredibly grateful and blessed. Things are not perfect or easy, but God is
faithful and loving, always.
Our lives
took a sharp turn in 2009 when my husband lost his job, and we experienced
real, first-world poverty. Although 14% of America is hungry, which is
unacceptable, it is still true that no one usually starves in America. So our
first-world poverty was vastly different than third-world poverty, which
consists of cooking outside of a leaky-roof shack without running water,
without toilets, and sometimes without electricity. We still lived like kings
and queens, from a third-world perspective.
We were like
outcasts in our own land, however. We felt left out of everything, and I began
learning in earnest about poverty around the world. My eyes were miraculously
opened to how arrogantly Americans live, in light of the way the rest of the
world lives. I learned that as Christians, we had been missing something BIG
about what God wanted from our lives. I felt we had been Christian in name
only, along with many other American Christians.
But God is
gracious to meet us where we’re at. We all start out with a lot of sin and
blindness, and God moves us along with love and patience. This period of
learning about world poverty began a major restructuring in my mind of what it
meant to be a Christian.
We were
scared and devastated about the job loss, already barely making ends meet, but
we had great faith and believed God would provide, so I didn’t go to work.
In fact, I had
taken on something significant at home, in the year prior to the job loss. We
had read that 82% of public-schooled Christian children left their faith after
high school, while only 7% of homeschooled Christian children did. Despite this
statistic, I am not advocating here that homeschooling is right for every
Christian. It was just right for us.
It became
clear to both of us before we even finished reading the article. We pulled our
first-born son out of kindergarten in the fourth week of school, welcoming homeschooling
as a way of life. It allows us large amounts of time to diciple our children.
A major
submission in my life came through our ongoing, relative poverty. While God
provided, it was nonetheless seriously challenging to be the have-nots in a
materialistic society. Not long after the job loss, my husband—who was 50 when
he lost his job--began working 54 hours a week for a low wage. Even though he
worked harder than most, we represented the working poor—working high hours for
a low wage. My husband’s age didn’t make it easy to find a decent job, nor did
his Bachelor’s degree in theology, which brought spiritual benefits but not
always material ones.
Whether you have a college degree or not, know that your daily bread comes from God.
There are no magic formulas for an easy-living lifestyle.
We learned quickly that we no longer
fit in anywhere—not
even at church. Everyone talked about the places they went and the things they
did, or the remodeling they did on their house. We listened politely, but we
avoided talking about ourselves, knowing ridicule was likely regarding our
choices. I avoided women’s ministry because I couldn’t join in any of the
conversations. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or ridicule me for
not working, when my family obviously needed more money.
To choose to
be poor for the sake of the children wasn’t something people could relate to.
Our society thinks children need things and experiences, and thus my children
were at a disadvantage in their eyes—they were to be pitied, in other words.
They were pitied by people who knew
our situation, even though they had toys (Goodwill has good toys), and clothes
and food, and a warm, loving place to live. They also had a yard, which is far
more than most children in the world have in terms of space.
There were
no vacations, or any lengthy road trips because of the cost of gas. We never went
out to dinner or to movies or to events that cost money, unless someone gifted
us with tickets. All our garments come from careful, meticulous thrift-store
shopping—finding the best there is so everyone looked respectable. No one
guesses, most of the time, what our lifestyle is like because we don’t wear it
on our sleeves, so to speak.
We also didn’t
fit in with relatives, who thought we were ignorant. Because we could rarely go
anywhere or do anything, we visited libraries and parks. We did a lot of living
through wonderful books. We grew to love God’s earth and see Creation as a love
song to us. There is much that is free, given to man as a gift from God, to
amaze us and amuse us and remind us of Him.
Even with
faith, a low-income lifestyle is
stressful. A car repair could mean not enough food, and too much food could
mean not enough gas. Everything’s a struggle, but alongside us there has always
been God’s grace and the joy of raising children.
The greatest
challenge to my joy, year after year, was Christmas. I dreaded it. We couldn’t buy anything for our children, unless a
relative or friend sent Christmas money, though twice over the years near-strangers
blessed my children with a ready-wrapped Christmas.
We couldn’t
buy anything for others, either. Scraping up money for holiday baking, a
holiday turkey, or Operation Christmas Child, were all faith walks. While
others were spending hundreds or thousands, and going out to eat with every
shopping trip, and going to productions like the Nutcracker, I was hoping Christmas would be over soon. I began to desperately
look for meaning in Christmas, knowing
that when we view things eternally, we always find the deepest and most
satisfying meaning.
Finally,
after studying and contemplating, I grew to believe that Christmas was a commercial
enterprise, not a biblical enterprise. The first Christmas is not celebrated in
the Bible, outside of the shepherds coming to worship Jesus after His birth,
and the wise men coming to worship the toddler Christ child—who by then was no
longer a baby. Even though the virgin birth of Christ was one of the most
significant events in all history, there wasn’t a biblical feast or holiday
declared.
Christmas
and I came to an understanding, however. It could be used to annually
acknowledge the miracle of the virgin birth and Emmanuel, God with us, even
though, as Christians we’re supposed to be reveling in that miracle every day. For me now, Christmas is a time to perform
random acts of kindness toward our unsaved neighbors, and for the less
fortunate. That’s the best use of it, my heart and mind finally decided, though
we still bake cookies and cook turkey and put on living room Nativity plays. We
invite the lonely to celebrate with us.
I don’t hate
Christmas anymore because I have learned true
gratitude. I have learned to count eternal
blessings more than earthly ones. I concentrate
on what God wants, and not on what I
feel. What I feel is unimportant. God gives me His spirit and changes my
selfish feelings to match his sacrificial ones, the more I submit to Him and
practice gratitude as a way of life.
How did my
children fare in all of this? My children to this day do not know what the
inside of a movie theatre is like, or the inside of a restaurant besides Pizza
Hut. They have lived a very different life than their peers, and right now as my
boys acclimate to youth group for the first time, they feel all the feelings I
have felt over the years. They don’t fit in, in terms of lifestyle, and
everyone is talking about things they have never seen or done or had. “You don’t know what a Game boy is? Are you
serious? You don’t play video games? Are you serious? You’re weird.”
These are
real comments made to one or both of my boys, and though no harm or disrespect
was intended, it still stung and made them feel marginal—on the outside of
life, looking in.
They are
staying strong, though. They have already learned to distinguish between wants
and needs, and they understand what a distraction consumerism is. It is
excruciatingly hard sometimes, but they understand they are blessed to have a
unique perspective, even when Satan is there, telling them they deserve this or
that like the others have.
They, too,
are learning gratitude.
For a long
time I thought God was trying to teach us important eternal lessons, and when
we had learned those lessons, we would be less poor. But that hasn’t happened.
Nothing has changed materially in these six years following the job loss. I
have come to peace with, and submitted to this lifestyle, and I see the
blessings inherent in having to depend on God for everything. I feel more
blessed than ever before, even though I’m still a marginal character to those
around me.
Wealth is only a blessing if you
share it. If you
don’t it will likely be your spiritual downfall. It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle, than for
a rich man to get to heaven. Rich people don’t need God—though their souls
do, of course. Rich countries don’t need God. Thus, America is more godless
than ever. China and Africa are gaining comparatively more Christians than we
are. We’re losing Christians.
I want you
to imagine a simple, tiny wood house without running water or commercial
furniture, without closets or different rooms--just a shelter over your head
and cooking done camping-style, outside. I’ve seen many videos of this and I’ve
read about it. Christians who live like
this feel a very real and amazing presence of God all the time. They have a
deep soul joy and a faith we richer Christians don’t often experience, in all
our comfort and self-reliance.
Every single
thing you add to that simple existence distracts you more and more from God. The
electronics, the convenience tools, all the things that make life easier and
pleasurable, such as luxuries and vacations…they all change us. They take up all of our time and attention.
They crowd God out and as we crowd him out, we no longer feel the abundant spiritual
life he wants for us. We look for more and more things and experiences to fill
the void in our lives, never understanding that we successfully crowded God
out, without even realizing it. Whoever
loses his life for Me will find it. We don’t find our life in things or
comforts. We find it in God alone. God
is what our souls are hungry for, though as you learned in this unit, Satan
will always be there telling you this is a lie.
As I learned
more and more about world poverty, I fell in love with an outstanding Christian
organization called Compassion International (www.compassion.com), which is a
child-sponsorship ministry that serves millions of children the world over, all
in Jesus’ name. They help children and their families come to know Jesus, as
they relieve their suffering and provide hope for their futures—all for $38
dollars a month per sponsored child. Personal letter writing by sponsors is a
huge part of Compassion’s ministry. The letters are like gold to these
children, some of whom have never been told they are loved by anyone. Their
parents, just trying to survive daily, don’t often know how to nurture their
children, though they do love them.
As part of
another faith walk, knowing that all monies come from God, not from us, we sponsored
a young lady from Uganda, and a young man from El Salvador, for a total of $76
a month (plus family gifts to them at our tax refund time, to ensure they have
roofs that don’t leak and a mattress to sleep on, and clothes and shoes). God
always provides the money to do this, even though on paper it doesn’t work out
for our budget.
When God wants something from us, he provides the means, often
through weird occurrences like unexpected refund money from the dentist or
insurance company. Once, 3 or 4 years ago, our 1998 van was on its last month
of life and we had no idea how we would cart our four kids around, since my
husband drove a 25-year-old sedan.
I got hit by
a car coming back from the grocery store. It was a miracle, especially since no
one was hurt and I was alone in the van. The insurance company gave us $4000
more than we expected for the value of our Toyota Sienna van. We bought a used
van, a 2003, for $3000, and the rest went to other obligations and to our
Compassion children.
Our
Compassion family has grown over the years. We also write to four other
children whose sponsors do not write to them--from Nicaragua, Burkina Faso,
India, and the Dominican Republic. Besides my own children and husband, these
children are the joy of my life. Their four to six letters each per year fill
us with joy. Checking the mail has become a treat. I love impacting them for
Jesus, and I love how they impact us with the joy of simple belief…simple,
child-like faith…simple living. Our monthly letters to them remind them that
God has not forgotten them. Poverty tells them they are worthless. They need to
be told a different message, in Jesus’ name. I tell them I love them and that
God loves them and that He has plans to prosper them and not harm them, to give
them a hope and a future. Not a material prosperity necessarily, but a
spiritual one.
If you want
to get involved with Compassion International and don’t have the $38 a month,
you can call them and ask to be a correspondent sponsor for children whose
sponsors do not write to them. This experience will change your life, and the
life of the child you write to. You can become a sponsor online at www.compassion.com, but to be a correspondent you need to call them directly at
800-336-7676.
A man from
Kenya recently came to American for the first time, to meet with a ministry partner
here in the States. His American ministry partner took him along as they
stopped at a couple mega-churches to pick up promised ministry donations. The
Kenyan man, having grown up in abject poverty—looking in trash cans for food as
a youngster--looked at the huge, fancy churches with their cafes, and
bookstores, and their huge playgrounds and he said, puzzled…”Do they worship the same Jesus?”
I have
learned that worshiping Jesus means giving up a respectable life. It means
giving up the notion of ever fitting in.
My heart must bleed for what Jesus’ heart bled for…for the oppressed, the
orphans, the widows, the poor and the lame…and about souls most of all.
I have
learned that the American Church has it all wrong. This church, however, has it
more right than most, since we have several ministries that serve the poor and
oppressed. Be proud that your church stands out in this way--different from the
usual American pact of churches. And
work personally to do more as you grow up in this church.
We aren’t
supposed to pursue the American dream of a house, nice yard, bigger and better things,
and nice vacations. We’re supposed to be pursuing something greater than
that…something greater than ourselves. We
are supposed to be getting in last place, so someone else can go ahead of
us in line, for the glory of God. It’s not that we have to make ourselves poor
with our giving, just that we should give until it truly hurts and truly makes
us depend on God. In all this we identify
with Christ in his suffering, and feel the abundant life he desires for us.
Our faith then stands out as a
miracle, and points to God’s glory, goodness, and provision.
I believe
God put enough of everything on this earth. There is enough food, enough land,
enough water, and enough trees for shelter. Yet some people can’t sleep for the
rain that leaks through their makeshift tin roofs. Some people walk around
hungry all the time, and walk hours to get water for cooking. Kids work in
fields and never go to school, because eating is more pressing than an
education.
But this
doesn’t have to be. This doesn’t occur because God is heartless. It occurs because we are heartless. We
have loved ourselves, instead of our fellow man. God expected us to distribute
our extra and we failed. We were supposed to be his hands and his feet to all
those who have not enough, or who have nothing, and we failed. The gap between
rich and poor is growing even in our own country as we read this.
You young
people are the future of our country. I want you—God wants you--to see through
materialism. Compassion International has an excellent blog about child poverty
and helping in Jesus’ name. Find it and read it often, with your parents’
permission, at www.compassion.com/blog. Read about the 80% of the world
living on less than $2.50 a day. It’s an inconvenient truth nobody wants to
know about, but open your eyes and really understand this reality and your Christian
responsibility.
Adjust your gaze so that
it is on God, and not on yourself. Look at your life dreams and be willing
to set them aside as Mary and Joseph did, when they accommodated an
embarrassing and recriminating pregnancy. Think about that pregnancy and what it
looked like in their culture. It placed them in a position of shame and
ridicule and extreme loneliness. They became outcasts.
In your
lives, aim to lead the American church to redemption…to true worship and true
knowledge of what it means to follow Christ and to love Christ.
The path to
greatness is through what?
Through serving others.
