It began with a spelling word I dictated this morning...one which escapes me now. Praise flowed easy from my lips, assuring my boys what wonderful husbands and fathers they would make some day.
"Not me. I don't behave."
His utterance? The pain of a knife. The words stabbed my heart sharp.
Images of failure infiltrated my mind, sending me into panic about his future. Would his discouragement lead to failure and frustration? Have we ruined him already?
No, Father! Not to my boy! Stop this downward spiral...this blind duplication of the sins of our fathers.
It was like the Holy Spirit slapped me.
I write in this space about how gentle God is. How patient. And yes, he can be.
But sometimes, perhaps in answer to our own prayers, he slaps us with the truth. He wants change. One-hundred-eighty-degree change. He aims to stop destruction in its path.
My husband knows something of this destruction. Though a wonderful, hardworking Christian man, he can barely support us financially, even with 54 hours a week. We've hovered around the poverty level for some years now, in part because of wounding words shot like bullets, from my husband's hard-hearted dad.
When someone fails to "make it" in life, it's always complicated. It's rarely one thing, but a number of things working together.
But marrying him? It wasn't a mistake. God chose him for me. In so many ways we're perfect together. One of my spiritual gifts is faith...75% of the time poverty doesn't phase me. I know God provides.
The lessons of poverty? They're priceless...and ours is a minor poverty. Merely a comparative poverty. We have everything we need, and thanks to the generosity of family, our children have a few of their wants. Most people living in poverty in American do have everything they need. A lot of the needs come from thrift stores, because in rich countries like America, second-hand items are as good as new.
As I look around, I know I have a rare perspective. A perspective more valuable than a fat paycheck. With no disposable money, my focus is more steady than it would be. Fewer choices means fewer distractions. And I truly need God, every day.
Back to my son...the one who shot me with "Not me. I don't behave." He behaved horrifically over the weekend. With ADHD in our midst, weekends challenge us emotionally. Inevitably the routine changes; few people live seven days a week with the same routine. It's neither healthy nor desirable, and God himself desires rest for us.
But for reasons we can't pinpoint, this last weekend proved far worse than usual. Weariness and desperation took hold of me. I'm the one here with him 24/7, except for grocery trips. The full weight of ADHD falls squarely on me, and it takes a toll, especially on weekends.
My words weren't careful. I tossed worrisome ones about the future. Not shouting, not losing it...just worthless lecturing.
Lecturing an emotional mess of a child is never wise.
"How can you bless your own wife and children someday, if you don't learn to control your temper?"
My son didn't hear a warning. Or a reprimand. He heard a prediction. You will fail.
I fear it's the same prediction my husband carried with him, all these years. You will fail.
Though he got good grades in high school and Bible college, my husband did fail at most things he tried over the years, except being a husband and father. He's wonderful at the eternal things, thank the Lord.
Boys don't often wear their hearts in their body language, the way girls do. My girls are so sensitive, we know to tread lightly, blending just the right amount of discipline with love.
Maybe boys' lips don't quiver. Maybe they don't slump over with broken hearts, sobbing at the tiniest reprimand.
But they're just as fragile. They count on parents, especially on their fathers, to pass on assurance. Confidence. A strong masculinity allows them to compete in the workplace to take care of their families. It allows them to love their families with their whole heart, rather than busying themselves chasing self-worth.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
"Not me. I don't behave."
His utterance? The pain of a knife. The words stabbed my heart sharp.
Images of failure infiltrated my mind, sending me into panic about his future. Would his discouragement lead to failure and frustration? Have we ruined him already?
No, Father! Not to my boy! Stop this downward spiral...this blind duplication of the sins of our fathers.
It was like the Holy Spirit slapped me.
I write in this space about how gentle God is. How patient. And yes, he can be.
But sometimes, perhaps in answer to our own prayers, he slaps us with the truth. He wants change. One-hundred-eighty-degree change. He aims to stop destruction in its path.
My husband knows something of this destruction. Though a wonderful, hardworking Christian man, he can barely support us financially, even with 54 hours a week. We've hovered around the poverty level for some years now, in part because of wounding words shot like bullets, from my husband's hard-hearted dad.
When someone fails to "make it" in life, it's always complicated. It's rarely one thing, but a number of things working together.
But marrying him? It wasn't a mistake. God chose him for me. In so many ways we're perfect together. One of my spiritual gifts is faith...75% of the time poverty doesn't phase me. I know God provides.
The lessons of poverty? They're priceless...and ours is a minor poverty. Merely a comparative poverty. We have everything we need, and thanks to the generosity of family, our children have a few of their wants. Most people living in poverty in American do have everything they need. A lot of the needs come from thrift stores, because in rich countries like America, second-hand items are as good as new.
As I look around, I know I have a rare perspective. A perspective more valuable than a fat paycheck. With no disposable money, my focus is more steady than it would be. Fewer choices means fewer distractions. And I truly need God, every day.
Back to my son...the one who shot me with "Not me. I don't behave." He behaved horrifically over the weekend. With ADHD in our midst, weekends challenge us emotionally. Inevitably the routine changes; few people live seven days a week with the same routine. It's neither healthy nor desirable, and God himself desires rest for us.
But for reasons we can't pinpoint, this last weekend proved far worse than usual. Weariness and desperation took hold of me. I'm the one here with him 24/7, except for grocery trips. The full weight of ADHD falls squarely on me, and it takes a toll, especially on weekends.
My words weren't careful. I tossed worrisome ones about the future. Not shouting, not losing it...just worthless lecturing.
Lecturing an emotional mess of a child is never wise.
"How can you bless your own wife and children someday, if you don't learn to control your temper?"
My son didn't hear a warning. Or a reprimand. He heard a prediction. You will fail.
I fear it's the same prediction my husband carried with him, all these years. You will fail.
Though he got good grades in high school and Bible college, my husband did fail at most things he tried over the years, except being a husband and father. He's wonderful at the eternal things, thank the Lord.
Boys don't often wear their hearts in their body language, the way girls do. My girls are so sensitive, we know to tread lightly, blending just the right amount of discipline with love.
Maybe boys' lips don't quiver. Maybe they don't slump over with broken hearts, sobbing at the tiniest reprimand.
But they're just as fragile. They count on parents, especially on their fathers, to pass on assurance. Confidence. A strong masculinity allows them to compete in the workplace to take care of their families. It allows them to love their families with their whole heart, rather than busying themselves chasing self-worth.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
My husband? He's one of the fortunate ones. He has the Lord to speak truth into his soul. So many people wounded in childhood never know the redemption of a loving, perfect Heavenly Father.
My son's prediction about his own future? I believe it was God, halting the parental sins that lead to destruction. And I know it isn't as simple as me reprimanding myself, "Gee, I need to watch my mouth. I need to use uplifting words."
I will fail again. I'll say the wrong things, and I'll accidentally bring up the future again. (My advice? Don't mention the future when you're redirecting children. Keep it short, simple, and relevant.)
Because this boy, he's hard to raise. He's like four kids in one. Most children with disabilities are exhausting to rear. And me? Not only imperfect, but the nervous and conscientious type...maybe the worse kind of parent for an ADHD child.
My son needs redirecting several times a hour, unless he's lost in a book. On some days exhaustion and frustration plague both of us by mid-morning. I don't know how to stop the steady drip of his anger and negativity, and he doesn't know how to stop the steady drip of my reprimands.
But this is just our story. Every parent and child have a story locked up inside. Secretly, we all fear we'll repeat the sins of our parents.
And the sad thing is, we do.
Unless....
...parenting is a prayer. One long, never-stopping prayer. The Holy Spirit pricks us, but that isn't enough; it only stops some of the bleed.
Prayer changes patterns of destruction. Parents don't raise a godly child. Lecturing doesn't raise a godly child. Prayer does.
Turn every Holy Spirit whisper into a prayer.
And pray:
~ for their salvation
~ for the right words at the right time.
~ for wisdom...yours and theirs.
~ that they'll marry a strong Christian spouse with a supportive family.
~ that they'll develop consistent Bible reading habits and a strong prayer life.
~ for their discernment with friends.
~ for their purity.
~ for their self-control and work ethic.
~ for hearts of gratitude.
~ that they'll care for the poor and needy.
~ that they'll be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.
~ that they'll be a long-suffering, selfless, and wise husband and father, or wife and mother.
~ that they'll seek God's will for their lives.
~ that they'll forgive and forget past grievances.
And better yet, pray the Scriptures for them. Every time you read Scripture, pray it for their lives. Here are some to try below, as an example of this practice, from http://www.prayingscriptures.com/children.shtml
Acts 19:20.........I thank you Father that Your Word prevails over our children.
Isa 54:13...........That they are taught of the Lord and continue to be
Prov 13:1.......... the fruit of godly instruction and correction.
Isa 54:13...........Great is their peace and undisturbed composure.
Prov 2:6............ Father, give us counsel and wisdom in bringing up our children.
1Pet 1:14.......... I say they are obedient, not conforming to the things of the flesh,
1Pet 1:15.......... but holy, in all conduct.
1Pet 2:2........... desiring the pure milk of the Word that they may grow thereby.
Jas 1:19............That they are swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.
Heb 13:5.......... Their conduct is without covetousness,
Heb 13:5.......... and they are content with what they have.
Heb 13:16......... They do not forget to do what is right and to share.
2Pet 3:18.......... I pray that they grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord,
1Thes 4:1......... and abound more and more in how they should walk and please You.
1Pet 5:5........... That they submit to their elders, and to one another,
1Pet 5:5........... being clothed with humility.
1Pet 5:7........... That they cast their cares upon You, Father, for You care for them.
Jas 1:22............I thank You that they are doers of the Word, and not hearers only,
Ph'm 1:6...........effectively sharing their faith.
2Tim 1:7 ..........not having a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
2Tim 1:9...........Father, You have saved them and called them with a holy calling,
2Tim 1:9 ..........not according to works, but according to Your own purpose.
2Tim 4:18.........Deliver them from every evil work and preserve them.
John 10:5 ........They will by no means follow strangers, not knowing their voices.
2Tim2:22 .........They abide with others who call on the Lord out of a pure heart,
Jas 3:10 ..........and cursing comes not out of their mouth.
1Jn 5:18 ..........Because Jesus keeps them safe, the wicked one does not touch them.
Ps 91:11..........Give Your angels special charge to accompany, defend, preserve
Ps 4:8.............and provide safety for them, day and night.
1Jn 2:5 ...........Because they keep Your Word, Your love is being perfected in them.
1Jn 2:15 .........They do not love the world or the things in the world,
3Jn 1:11..........and they do not imitate what is evil, but what is good.
1Jn 1:7 ...........They walk in the light as You are in the Light,
Jas 4:8 ...........cleansing their hands and purifying their hearts,
2Tim 2:22 .......They follow after righteousness, faith, love, and peace.
Heb 13:18........They have a good conscience and desire to live honorably,
Prov 3:4 ..........having favor and high esteem with God and man.
My husband? He's one of the fortunate ones. He has the Lord to speak truth into his soul. So many people wounded in childhood never know the redemption of a loving, perfect Heavenly Father.
My son's prediction about his own future? I believe it was God, halting the parental sins that lead to destruction. And I know it isn't as simple as me reprimanding myself, "Gee, I need to watch my mouth. I need to use uplifting words."
I will fail again. I'll say the wrong things, and I'll accidentally bring up the future again. (My advice? Don't mention the future when you're redirecting children. Keep it short, simple, and relevant.)
Because this boy, he's hard to raise. He's like four kids in one. Most children with disabilities are exhausting to rear. And me? Not only imperfect, but the nervous and conscientious type...maybe the worse kind of parent for an ADHD child.
My son needs redirecting several times a hour, unless he's lost in a book. On some days exhaustion and frustration plague both of us by mid-morning. I don't know how to stop the steady drip of his anger and negativity, and he doesn't know how to stop the steady drip of my reprimands.
But this is just our story. Every parent and child have a story locked up inside. Secretly, we all fear we'll repeat the sins of our parents.
And the sad thing is, we do.
Unless....
...parenting is a prayer. One long, never-stopping prayer. The Holy Spirit pricks us, but that isn't enough; it only stops some of the bleed.
Prayer changes patterns of destruction. Parents don't raise a godly child. Lecturing doesn't raise a godly child. Prayer does.
Turn every Holy Spirit whisper into a prayer.
And pray:
~ for their salvation
~ for the right words at the right time.
~ for wisdom...yours and theirs.
~ that they'll marry a strong Christian spouse with a supportive family.
~ that they'll develop consistent Bible reading habits and a strong prayer life.
~ for their discernment with friends.
~ for their purity.
~ for their self-control and work ethic.
~ for hearts of gratitude.
~ that they'll care for the poor and needy.
~ that they'll be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.
~ that they'll be a long-suffering, selfless, and wise husband and father, or wife and mother.
~ that they'll seek God's will for their lives.
~ that they'll forgive and forget past grievances.
And better yet, pray the Scriptures for them. Every time you read Scripture, pray it for their lives. Here are some to try below, as an example of this practice, from http://www.prayingscriptures.com/children.shtml
Acts 19:20.........I thank you Father that Your Word prevails over our children.
Isa 54:13...........That they are taught of the Lord and continue to be
Prov 13:1.......... the fruit of godly instruction and correction.
Isa 54:13...........Great is their peace and undisturbed composure.
Prov 2:6............ Father, give us counsel and wisdom in bringing up our children.
1Pet 1:14.......... I say they are obedient, not conforming to the things of the flesh,
1Pet 1:15.......... but holy, in all conduct.
1Pet 2:2........... desiring the pure milk of the Word that they may grow thereby.
Jas 1:19............That they are swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.
Heb 13:5.......... Their conduct is without covetousness,
Heb 13:5.......... and they are content with what they have.
Heb 13:16......... They do not forget to do what is right and to share.
2Pet 3:18.......... I pray that they grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord,
1Thes 4:1......... and abound more and more in how they should walk and please You.
1Pet 5:5........... That they submit to their elders, and to one another,
1Pet 5:5........... being clothed with humility.
1Pet 5:7........... That they cast their cares upon You, Father, for You care for them.
Jas 1:22............I thank You that they are doers of the Word, and not hearers only,
Ph'm 1:6...........effectively sharing their faith.
2Tim 1:7 ..........not having a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
2Tim 1:9...........Father, You have saved them and called them with a holy calling,
2Tim 1:9 ..........not according to works, but according to Your own purpose.
2Tim 4:18.........Deliver them from every evil work and preserve them.
John 10:5 ........They will by no means follow strangers, not knowing their voices.
2Tim2:22 .........They abide with others who call on the Lord out of a pure heart,
Jas 3:10 ..........and cursing comes not out of their mouth.
1Jn 5:18 ..........Because Jesus keeps them safe, the wicked one does not touch them.
Ps 91:11..........Give Your angels special charge to accompany, defend, preserve
Ps 4:8.............and provide safety for them, day and night.
1Jn 2:5 ...........Because they keep Your Word, Your love is being perfected in them.
1Jn 2:15 .........They do not love the world or the things in the world,
3Jn 1:11..........and they do not imitate what is evil, but what is good.
1Jn 1:7 ...........They walk in the light as You are in the Light,
Jas 4:8 ...........cleansing their hands and purifying their hearts,
2Tim 2:22 .......They follow after righteousness, faith, love, and peace.
Heb 13:18........They have a good conscience and desire to live honorably,
Prov 3:4 ..........having favor and high esteem with God and man.
10 comments:
Christine you are so amazing I really think you should write a book! I am so weary of seeming perfect parent telling me the right thing to do. I love your honesty how you teach and minister from your mistakes. I am guilty of this also, when my frustration reach their peak I speak hasty words. I always repent, but those word can not be take back. I was just reading about the tongue in my bible study this morning. I have a difficult son also and his can really exasperate me, especially when we are doing school. I love the prayer link you shared, thank you. Wonderful, encouraging, inspiring post as always!
Dear Christine, my "energetic" son completely exasperates me and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in dealing with him. But I have learned to do this very thing...every word is a prayer. I can't just have prayer time in the morning and expect to make it through the day in a way that honors the Lord. For me, it's minute by minute.. sometimes second by second (lol)... praying for help each step of the way.
This is a wonderful post. Thank you.
Oh, thank you, Tesha! I so appreciate your encouragement!
Oh, Christine. The timing of this is just.perfect. Thank you.
Parenting as a prayer.. I LOVE that line! Truly prayer has transformed this journey of motherhood for me.-- has put the burden on God rather than my own ability and leaves me free to love without worrying if I'm doing it all right. I so appreciate your wisdom- what we say and what our children here are two different things. I need to choose my words more carefully! Blessings to you as your pray and parent!
we all say it wrong and harsh at times. sometimes the apology and humility that come next speak more loudly than the right words might have. blessings to you and your boys.
I LOVE this. So glad I clicked over to your blog from Jen's. I agree with Tesha...you should write a book. I know your testimony of times past as well as what you are currently walking through will speak to and encourage many mothers. Thank you for sharing this today. I needed it.
i know you made other points but i def want to encourage you as far as hovering around the poverty level...we were there for years...no insurance, well below the poverty level and it was amazing to see god provide...and i will say our faith was all the stronger during that time...
This spoke to my momma heart today. *thank you*
oh friend. your faith is phenomenal. and you know? i grew up below the poverty line. and God always provided for us. even now my husband only works part-time, and i get next to nothing for my writing, yet we always have enough. but more than that, may GOd give you more than enough strength and peace and joy as you serve on your children... and may you have a respite, too. every mother needs one. love to you.
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