When Parents Enable Children's Mental Disorders & Weaknesses

Parenting: Yikes, no instruction manual!

Any blog writer has to guess as to who might be out there reading, and what their interests and concerns might be. When limited time is an issue, as it is for me, often the blog writer has to stick to writing what they know, and what their life reveals day by day. Increasingly, I'm having to learn about mental disorders, so you are seeing more of that content. Some of you are skipping it, while others are grateful because maybe you're just beginning to suspect issues with your own children.

One thing I'm learning is that diagnosing mental disorders early gives children and families the opportunity to conquer them before they become ugly monsters. These issues don't have to devastating. Keep in mind that parents can make things worse by unknowingly aiding the disorders and reinforcing dysfunctional patterns that will be hard to break later.

You may recall me providing the testimony of an OCD sufferer who was an actor/producer who'd become so impaired he couldn't go anywhere without his parents, even past age 30. His parents participated in his OCD rituals. I don't even have to read more background to know that. His parents made their son completely dependent on them.

Parents make OCD worse, and any anxiety disorder worse, by feeding it--giving reassurances to lessen a child's immediate anxiety. Providing these constant reassurances and lessening a child's anxiety makes the whole family breath easier, but to conquer these disorders we can't give in to the tyranny of the present. That's the easy way out, just as giving the alcoholic another drink is taking the easy way out.

Ultimately, once proper therapy is explained to children and they are trained in it, they have to make the decision to get better. The other choice is to remain a victim of the disorder. We can't force our children to do their therapies; it's an act of their will, requiring their courage.

We can offer them our prayers, the best information and training, and we can be an escort to the Throne of Grace. But we can't make them do any of it on their own, and that's what it takes to get well. If they choose to be a victim of the disorder, we can't cover for them or pick up the slack. That only makes it easier for them to continue on the same cowardly road. We can't pity them or feel responsible for them. We can't say "this isn't their fault". Actually, if they won't do what it takes to get well, it is their fault.

There are times my seven-year-old daughter refuses to do anything but stay in bed because of cloudy weather and fear of thunder, and ultimately, fear of lightning striking the house. I have to walk away during these times, knowing that I've done everything I can for her.

She still has to finish her school work. She still has to do her share of the chores. I can't force food down her throat, and I won't carry her away from her bed, but I can enforce consequences for when she chooses to let her fears stop her from fulfilling her responsibilities.

I'm sensitive to her when it's actually thundering or lightning, but when that happens it's just five minutes at a time; more often the sky might look menacing but nothing happens. This seems harsh, I know, but there are only so many things I can do before she becomes a manipulator and uses her anxiety for her advantage. Kids are like that; they were born sinners and we can expect them to sin pretty often.

Even the child with a simple case of ADHD without any comorbid conditions, can be enabled by a parent if he is not required to wake up on his own with an alarm clock. Don't continually go in there and try to get a child out of bed. The alarm clock is all that's required. Let the child take the natural consequences of failing to get out of bed on time. Each time you cover for a child's negligence, you keep him a child, dependent on you.

Similarly, ADHD children need schedules. Once you train them in the use of schedules, they should be writing their own (depending on age) and sticking to them. Give consequences when they don't, but don't nag throughout the day about where they are on the schedule. Have one accountability time before lunch and one after, not several throughout the day.

It takes courage for us to avoid enabling them, and it takes courage for them to take charge of their disorder.

So in these issues, as in everything else, parenting is a prayer. 

Mental disorders can be devastating, but they don't have to be.

Prayer Time:

Dear Lord, we thank you for your love, for your faithfulness, for your wisdom. We ask for courage. We ask that Your glory will shine through the courage you provide to us. We ask that our children will give this over to you, and give up any anger, resentment, self-pity, and any special status they're harboring, and choose to fight for good health, giving you all the glory for their victory. 

In Jesus's Name I pray, Amen.

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Part 2 Children and Anxiety: Cognitive Behavior Therapy

In my last post, Escorting Children Through Anxiety, I mentioned the importance of educating ourselves about anxiety disorders in children. Today I'd like to discuss Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which is the go-to therapy for anxiety disorders. Traditional talk therapy will only worsen anxiety, so we want to make sure we are choosing therapists who are experienced with CBT, or Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

I need to explain three principles to you: containment, externalization, and competing demands

Today we will have time for the first two only.

Containment
We want to contain anxiety, much like we contain anything--ketchup in the ketchup container, for example. We cannot let children talk or think about their worries all day long. Neither can we constantly assure them when they bring up their worries. This only makes things worse, giving the worries too much power.

The book What To Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner uses the analogy that if you keep tending your garden and pulling the weeds and watering it faithfully, you'll yield a huge crop of tomatoes. Anxiety is the same. If you keep tending and feeding it, it just grows bigger, until you've got more yield than you know what to do with.

Containment, so things won't overgrow. We set aside a time each day, say for 15 minutes, and call it worry time. Children pretend all day to put their anxieties in a worry box, only to be taken out at worry time. Mom and Dad, when approached for the usual assurance during the day, can only say..."Sounds like that should go in the worry box." No matter how much your child wants your assurance right now, try hard to only remind her about the "worry time".

Worry Time: Choose a 15-minute time segment during the day when she is not exhibiting bodily signs of anxiety, and when there are no other distractions (not from siblings, TV, computers, etc.). After she unloads everything she's worried about, help her learn to use logic. She must stop the worst-case scenario self-talk. Discuss the improbability of the worst thing happening, and leave it at that. Logic is also knowing that even if something bad does happen, she can get through it. Don't argue these thoughts with her, just present them, and tell her she must learn to use logic on her own with time.

Externalization
The anxious child needs to learn that he is not his anxiety. The anxiety is an outside entity that your child is hosting, and in order to exert control over it, he needs to externalize it.

Teach the following ideas when your child is calm.

~ The worry is a BULLY. Have your child use his imagination to picture what the worry bully looks like, perched on your child's shoulder all day. Have him draw a picture of what his worry bully looks like.

~ Right now, the worry bully is stronger than the child, but that will change and the child will learn to boss the worry bully and gain the upper hand. Teach these truths about the worry bully: Worries lie. They trick you. They exaggerate.

~ Teach your child to talk back to the worry bully whenever it bothers her during the day, especially when it refuses to go in the worry box for later.

"I don't believe you!"
"That's a bunch of GARBAGE!"
"Leave me alone!"
"Scram"
"Get lost."

Next time we will talk about competing demands, which are forms of distraction, some targeted toward reversing the bodily signs of stress, once they've already started.

Escorting Children Through Anxiety (And Surviving Yourself)

Whether it's anxiety brought on by circumstances--a medical diagnosis or procedure, or a significant life change like the death of a loved one or a divorce--or the brain's unreasonable, disordered response to normal life, most children will experience anxiety at some point in childhood. They need a parent to be right there, escorting them through it because anxiety is not just fear. Rather, it's a bodily response to fear that blocks out common sense. Thunder can't hurt you--that's common sense, but it's lost on your anxious child and repeating it over and over only makes your child feel abandoned, rather than comforted.

If it's merely a childhood fear (sometimes the case before age 7), then maybe explaining the science of thunder is in order, but if your child is inconsolable, then you know you're dealing with anxiety, not fear.

This whole process can make us feel helpless as parents, so it helps to clarify our role. We're not there to convince her she's being ridiculous. We're there to hold her hand and love her unconditionally.

My job is to accompany my child along this path that God has chosen, while pointing her toward Him. I am not the crutch, but the escort to the throne of Grace.

What every suffering parent needs to know:

1.  This is not your fault. This disorder is a result of the sin curse, and something that right now, God is choosing to allow in your lives.

2. You and your child will grow closer than ever as you walk through this together. You will both feel intense stress and doubt and pain, but you will experience them together and the shared experience will bond you uniquely. Your relationship will be both deeper and sweeter, and for that you will be thankful.

3. You will recite the 23rd Psalm over and over, and every Psalm about fear will speak volumes to you. Anxiety is a spiritual battle as well as a physical one so fight it with the Word.

4. You cannot fear and pray at the same time. So pray and then pray some more. Together. Keep your role of escort always in mind. You must teach your child to take all her burdens to the Throne of Grace, and never has she been more desperate to do so than now. Take advantage of this training opportunity and escort her to the Throne daily. Both of you close your eyes, and slowly talk her through that walk to the Cross, where you take off all the burdens you've been carrying, and drop them at the foot of the Cross, where all the healing begins.

5. Anxiety is part of your (and your child's ) story and you are not writing it. God is. So trust Him for a glorious outcome because he only writes glorious outcomes. Repeat that over and over, with your child. Use a more child-friendly sentence, if necessary.

I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious. 
I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious. 
I trust you, Lord, because all your outcomes are glorious.

6. Whatever your child is anxious about right now, don't project it into the future and expect disaster. Take the circumstances one day at a time. This too shall pass is definitely true for the specific fears, if not for the anxiety disorder itself.

I have escorted a child through elevator anxiety and separation anxiety, both of which are gone now, but were intense at one time. The disorder hasn't gone away, but the different manifestations have. So don't assume if there is driving anxiety right now, that your child will never learn to drive, or if it is thunder anxiety, that your child will never leave the house on a cloudy day.

7. If your child's quality of life has slipped considerably, consider medication for anxiety, even if only for a season. Realize that in the lowest doses available, your child probably won't deal with side effects. Most doctors will start with the lowest dose available, rather than go by the weight of child, but if not, demand the lowest dose to start.

Studies show that when difficulties such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, and bipolar disorder are not diagnosed and treated, children and teens are more likely to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs and get into unhealthy behavior patterns, which persist into adulthood. Find out what is going on with your child by taking him or her to the doctor as soon as a problem arises, and especially if it is still present 6 months after onset. Most conditions have to be present for 6 months to meet diagnostic criteria.

Disregard the unhelpful, judgmental opinions you might receive regarding medications for children (from extended family or friends). No one can truly know what your child and family are dealing with, or what you have already tried as remedies. Sometimes medication allows a child the courage needed to start over and halt all the negative thinking and self-talk. Medication gives them a fighting chance to beat the disorder. They still have to come up with coping skills, but they need a calmer brain to start that process.

8. If anxiety runs in the family, realize that this may be one time you need medication yourself, especially if exercise and proper sleep have not worked to improve your own anxiety. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, because watching a child go downhill emotionally and physically is extremely painful and terrifying. It affects both their sleep and your sleep, exhausting both of you physically as well as emotionally. You must also keep up with caring for the rest of the family, along with the house and meals. Your children will take cues from you, and if you are completely angst-ridden, you will only increase their anxiety, and that, in turn, will make things worse for you. So put your own oxygen mask on, so to speak. If you have definite bodily signs of excessive stress and anxiety, see your doctor.

9. You and the affected child should share a gratitude journal. Write in it at the same time every day, perhaps right at tuck-in time, to make the bedtime transition easier. Your minds need to dwell on God's power and faithfulness...on what is right and beautiful in your lives. And don't forget to give thanks for your relationship!

10. Educate yourself about anxiety disorders, especially those in children, including age of onset. Find books appropriate for your child to help him understand what is happening to his body and mind. He needs to know he is not going crazy, and that this is not his fault. Balance the reading of Scripture with the reading of technical books, so that your child understands that God has ultimate power over everything, including the brain. Siblings can benefit from hearing the information, too.

11. Let your church know that your child and family need prayer. Don't keep this hidden. Nothing good can come from shame or a false smile. Again, watching a formerly happy, healthy child go downhill is extremely painful. You really do need prayer, my friend, as does your child. So put out the word.

12. If anxiety is causing weight loss, arrange to always have your child's favorite foods on hand, so that on good days you can sneak in some extra calories (being careful not to let your child use food as a form of manipulation).

What has worked for your family in dealing with anxiety? How has God weaved anxiety into your story?