It's Just Too Hard

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

It's been so easy to get discouraged this summer. I really can't think of a summer that's been worse in terms of hassles and stress and just big life stuff. Mary's anxiety started the season on a sour note, followed by my realization that she wasn't reading as well as expected because of dyslexia. Why didn't I see it sooner? I feel like a failure there.

Now more recently, possibly because of not sleeping through the night, Mary's been very impulsive and gets in trouble frequently, which is not like her. ADHD can show up around this age, and she's showing many signs; she already had signs of the inattentive type, and now I see signs of the combined type (both inattentive, and hyperactive/impulsive). She is very discouraged and suffers from low self-esteem because of her fears and because school is hard for her.

Right now as I type there are two bug containers on the computer desk, both belonging to Mary, who is my naturalist (along with Peter). She's at peace with the world when she's outside, and it's a fight to get her to concentrate when the creepy crawlies are out, waiting to be discovered. The trees and the grasshoppers and the katydids and the snakes don't care how fast she reads, or if she gets her numbers reversed or not. Life is not complicated for her there.

So two large woolly bear caterpillars, her pets, make my skin crawl as I type, though I admit they are quite fascinating. They ignore me and eat their leaves, and two large grasshoppers, in a different container, watch the antics of the caterpillars, or so it seems. Both want their freedom and I entreat my children to keep them only 24 hours, except for one caterpillar of each type for metamorphosis.

But I digress.

I tell my 12-year-old son all the time that his anger and behavior problems are triggered most often by this one line of thinking..."It's not fair." The longer he allows himself to walk along the "it's not fair" bunny trail, the more his anger rises up and gets him in trouble. It's his responsibility to change his self-speak and have alternative positive statements ready, because the negative self-speak is the trigger. People don't have anger management problems, they have trigger management problems (thought management problems).

Similarly, I have felt so often this summer..."it's too hard." It's too hard to have four kids with special needs. It's too hard to have two kids with behavior problems. It's too hard to keep up with everything else and stop frequently to coach someone on their stance against OCD or phobia. I can't be a magician with the budget and a therapist and a special-education teacher, a decent housekeeper, a delegator of chores, a savvy manager, and still have energy to give hugs and smiles and laugh and play as though life is a rose garden. What about when life is one long summer of stinging nettle?

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

I have seen the parallels with what I'm teaching my son, and I know my problem this summer isn't really the dyslexia or the anxiety or the OCD or the behavior problems. It's the..."it's too hard" bunny trail. Biblical teaching and cognitive-behavioral teaching coincide on this point: our thoughts get us in trouble. As Christians, we're to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We belong to Christ so all our thoughts belong to Christ as well. The more we let ourselves go on negative bunny trails in our minds, the further we get from Christ and the closer we get to the enemy, who is the ultimate "thought deceiver".

Cognitive-behavioral therapy says if you change your behavior, regardless of its dysfunctional cause, you can change your outcome. You don't need to sit on some therapist's couch for hours to talk about what a weird upbringing you had, and try to figure out how it messed you up. You just need to change your problematic behavior.

Studies show that those who keep gratitude lists are happier and healthier people. They have changed their behavior (stopped complaining?), and thereby changed their outcomes. It works and the Bible backs it up, but for different reasons. When you change your behavior and keep your eyes on the Lord and not on your regrettable bunny trails, you will have peace of soul and mind. Our outcomes improve as we embrace Christ and his plan.

Does this mean we won't have a care in the world just because we've embraced Christ more? No one will ever lose their job or find a suspicious lump? They might, but it won't matter. It would only matter if we were on the "it's too hard" or "it's not fair" bunny trail, and those trails aren't of Christ.

What is of Christ? That no one should perish; the Lord sets his mind on that. His plan revolves around it and we are instruments in his plan.

That plan, for me, includes having four children with exhausting special needs. What does it include for you? I look around me and I see that being a Christian is never easy. If there's no monumental challenge, what attention and glory does Christ receive? My challenges with my children are an opportunity to let Christ shine. Indeed, I'm exhausted and discouraged because I want to shine and I can't. Discouragement comes from the wrong focus, not usually the wrong footsteps.

My self-speak needs to change, and fast. I'm no good to my family or to my Lord until I can get my thoughts held captive, and embrace and recite some holy ones. I encourage you to get some index cards and write these scriptures down, or print them from the Bible Gateway site and paste them onto index cards. These scriptures are food for life. They are the nourishment our souls crave, and the self-speak our minds need ready at a moment's notice, when the enemy comes by with an enticing bunny trail. Think of these verses as not only nourishment, but armor too.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Weekly Homeschool Wrap-Up: Next Year's Curriculum

I've been in full blown curriculum mode, watching this and that e-bay sale and checking homeschool classifieds frequently. Not everything has been purchased yet, but we're mostly there. Here are our final choices for the 2014-2015 school year.

We school year-round because of frequent appointments, and this year we are adding OCD therapy and phobia therapy that will occur once a week (probably Mondays with 3 back-to-back appointments for 3 children) starting in mid-August until the kids get better.

We will continue with AWANA for the 3 younger ones and Peter, now graduated from AWANA, will help out, along with my husband and myself. No other extras are planned, other than my working in the church nursery once a month, along with Peter. As you'll see below, we'll have our hands very full, and we want the kids to have plenty of down time either outside or inside doing art or whatever they wish.

Our Bible curriculum comes with the Sonlight Cores we purchase, along with AWANA verses.


Kindergarten

Beth, age 5

Description: Loves the performing arts, and art work, a wiggle worm who sits nicely for stories and 20 minute lessons. Not sure about learning style yet, but I'm watching closely. Very sensitive and easily embarrassed, but not shy at all. Can read and spell 3-letter words, can't write many lower-case letters yet.

Reading, Phonics, Spelling, Writing:  Sonlight Grade 1 Language Arts

Math: Saxon 1

Handwriting: Draw Write Now Series

Science: Sonlight Science B (paired with sister)

History & Literature: Sonlight Core B World History Part 1 (paired with sister)

Read-Alouds: Library books as she still loves picture books, and Sonlight Core B books

Second Grade

Mary: age 7

Description: loves nature and the outdoors, loves movement, dancing, music; special issues: mild dyslexia affecting numbers and reading and sequencing days of week and months of year, possibly ADHD--a wiggle worm, auditory-kinesthetic oriented, paper/pencil not ideal (40% of dyslexics also have either ADD or ADHD), anxiety/phobia disorder

Reading: All About Reading Level 2 (using Orton-Gillingham method recommended for dyslexics)

Language Arts & History: Sonlight Core B World History Part 1 and Sonlight Language Arts 1 with Grade 1 Readers (minus the I Can Read It primers, which she is beyond. She can read any decodable text, including compound words, and any consonant blends or consonant digraphs. She hasn't mastered vowel digraphs or r-controlled words, or some other concepts from Level B.) I don't anticipate All About Reading providing enough reading practice, thus the need for supplementing with Sonlight's Grade 1 Readers.

I am not buying Sonlight's entire Core B, but just the Instructor's Guide to build as much of the curriculum as I have time for. I anticipate the basics lasting 3 hours for Mary, and I won't have time for more than an hour beyond that.

Writing: Last year we were using Writing With Ease Level 1, but copywork is not beneficial for dyslexics, so we will use some of Sonlight's Language Arts 1 creative writing assignments and dictation assignments, along with some dictation assignments and narration assignments from the Writing With Ease Level 1 book.

Spelling: All About Spelling Level 1 (Orton-Gillingham method)

Science: Sonlight Science B (with Daddy helping on weekends and brothers helping on weekdays)

Math: Until February we will continue with Saxon Math 1, but supplement with online resources for dyslexics who struggle with math (math dyslexia is called dyscalculia). Starting in February we may switch to Right Start Math Level B, which is multisensory and mostly hands-on, and is good for wiggly kids or kids who need multisensory educational techniques (as dyslexics do).

Geography: A Child's Geography Vol. 1 by Ann Voskamp

5th and 7th Grade (two boys taught together)

Peter, age 12: loves nature and the outdoors and all things science, loves reading and it calms him considerably, special issues: ADHD and OCD, dysgraphia and dyscalculia (both forms of dyslexia)

Paul, age 10: loves math and picks it up effortlessly, very logical and creative, loves art and designing board games, is very left-brained, perfectionist in behavior and work habits; stubborn, special issues: possibly very mild dyslexia affecting letter order in words and word order in sentences, OCD/phobias, ADD (just trouble staying focused, not hyper or impulsive)

Language Arts & History: Sonlight Core G World History Part 1

Writing: Writing With Skill Level 1 (for non-fiction writing) and Write Shop Junior E (for fiction writing)

Math: Teaching Textbooks Level 7 (after finishing level 6)

Spelling: Avko Sequential Spelling (for dyslexics) Level 3 on DVD

Science: Sonlight Science G

Geography: A Child's Geography Vol. 1 by Ann Voskamp

Discipline Makeover: The Total Transformation

Back in February of this year I purchased The Total Transformation Program by James Lehman. Having heard about it on the radio for a couple of years, advertised for ADHD kids and others, I decided: what did we have to lose?

Husband was skeptical. He's away from 7 am to 7 pm so he doesn't deal with much discipline. He sees how it is for two and a half hours every night and during the weekends (he works 5 hours on Sat. too), but that's far from living my reality. I'm the one who needed to own the problem and looking ahead to the teenage years, I knew we needed help. A high percentage of prison inmates have ADHD and I wasn't about to add my child to the statistics.

James Lehman, incidentally, was in and out of prison for seven years before being ordered to an accountability workshop by a judge, which turned his life around and led to 30+ years as a therapist. I'm grateful, because his work on this program has changed things dramatically for our family. I'm a parent with tools and knowledge and my child is on his way to true maturity.

Before purchasing, I learned from their website that the $300 charge was fully refundable if parents filled out a survey about their experience with the program, returned within 180 day of purchase. The program was ours to keep; only the survey had to be returned. You can purchase this program used on e-bay far cheaper, but not with the perk of having telephone conferencing with their counselors for one month, for an extra $10. Also, if you purchase from e-bay, you get no money back by doing a survey.

Let me say at this point that this is a personal blog, not a business-oriented blog, and I'm doing a review of this product entirely because I want to help people discover strategies and resources. I don't generally do product overviews or reviews. This write-up has nothing to do with the company from whom I bought the product; they are unaware I'm reviewing it and no compensation will be offered.

Why Do Kids Misbehave?

Normal kids misbehave when they're tired, or when the family is unduly stressed, or when they're hungry, or when we, the parents or teachers, have created a developmentally inappropriate schedule or expectations. Later, when hormones are an issue, there could be an increase in misbehavior.

Some kids develop serious and on-going behavior problems because they are not taught to solve problems effectively. Parents never take on the role of coach/trainer, so kids are lost in terms of dealing with their anger, handling problems at school, with siblings, with parents, with all aspects of life. They are lost and because of that, they are very frustrated, very angry. 

Children with challenges are more likely to need direct, explicit teaching and coaching to learn problem-solving techniques.

Some kids have challenges that make them feel different, or unique. These differences could be learning disabilities, physical handicaps, or things like ADHD, depression, OCD, bipolar disorder, Tourette's Syndrome, Oppositional Defiant Disorder--anything that makes them stand out in their minds.

This feeling of being unique makes them think the regular rules of life don't apply to them--that somehow they are going to get a pass on all expectations.

Some begin to think everything is unfair, and they will almost always blame someone for their misbehavior (teachers, siblings, parents, police, etc.). If you watch closely and take notes, you'll see that they have devised strategies for taking the focus off their behavior, and putting it on others.

James Lehman has identified 16 characteristics and practices of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior, after 30 years of working as a counselor. Simply listing the 16 characteristics and practices here won't help, as an explanation is necessary for each. I don't want to copy too much of his personal work here, but I will name several that my own child displayed.

1. Injustice - I noticed that Peter would often argue over a discipline consequence, stating that it wasn't fair. He had no reason for it being unfair. There was no logical reason, but in his mind, it wasn't fair. It was a cognitive distortion--a faulty thinking on his part.

2. Victim Stance - Peter would reject that he was responsible for his misbehavior, seeing himself as a victim of circumstance or whatever. Again, this was a cognitive distortion, not grounded in reality. It was a strategy, like number one above, to avoid the mature act of taking responsibility for behavior and accepting a consequence without incident.

3. Anger With An Angle - Peter would display anger with the intention of escalating it until he saw fear or confusion or panic in a parent. His hope was that the parental fear or confusion would help him negotiate a lesser punishment, or gain him another advantage. This rarely resulted in a dangerous situation, but in reading about it in the workbook and hearing about it on the tapes, I did recognize it as one of Peter's strategies.

4. Wishing - Peter, when asked what he would do differently next time, would always come up with vague answers: "I'll just try harder...do better...get it right next time." This indicates that a child does not understand how to plan for a different response or outcome. They think that magically, next time the outcome will be better, without any planning or problem solving on their part. They don't mean to lie here, they just have no clue.

5. Put offs - From James: "The youth will repeatedly put off any activity, task, or responsibility that interferes with what he wants to do at that moment. Pressure to get him to respond is met with abusive, obnoxious behavior, or inattention and silence.

Peter is/was never as bad as some of the kids characterized in the program, but I knew that if we didn't change things, he would become so. Your child doesn't have to be a delinquent for this program to help you. The program is more geared toward teens, but very applicable to any child 7 or older, especially if the behaviors are already serious. Basically, if the issues are ongoing with no improvement, you need help, either from a therapist trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy, or through a program like James Lehman's, which is a cognitive-behavioral therapy approach.

I really like that I can listen to the audio CD's over and over again, and read the workbook multiple times over the years as needed as I raise my family, whereas with a therapist, once the sessions are done, I have to try to remember all that I learned. And the cost? No comparison.

Parents can contribute to behavior problems, or create behavior problems, by using ineffective parenting styles:

 ~ Bottomless Pockets (overindulging kids, being manipulated into giving kids things, using material things to placate a child, not knowing how to differentiate wants and needs, give money and luxuries instead of having kids earn them)

~ Over-Negotiator (negotiates already established rules because a child got upset, allows child to negotiate endlessly, re-negotiates contracts when child can't meet commitments)

~ The Screamer (gets drawn into screaming matches with child, ends up making excuses for own behavior instead of focusing on child's, winds up giving in out of remorse over own behavior)

~ The Ticket Puncher (makes excuses for their child's behavior, blames teachers, neighbors, and other kids for their child's misbehavior, perceives their child as a victim and feels they need to defend their child, minimizes their child's hurtful or irresponsible behavior)

~ The Savior (thinks he or she is the only one who understands their child's behavior, protects child from school discipline or legal problems, sides with child, despite the facts, as form of unconditional love, predicts child will not turn out okay if people don't listen to parent's views)

~ The Martyr (takes responsibility for child's getting up in morning and personal hygiene, lowers expectations so child can feel successful, protects child from feelings of unhappiness or distress)

~ The Perfectionist (sets higher standards for child than his teachers set for him, suspicious of child for unknown reasons, reads child's mind to detect negative attitudes, fears child will get cocky if he is successful, compares child to idealized child in parent's imagination)

Behavior Management

James gives the parents tools for behavior management, including age-appropriate and time-appropriate consequences. There are many (27+) tools, and again I can't copy too much of his work, but I will list those tools that helped me the most:

1. Accept No Excuse for Abuse: State this firmly and clearly whenever an excuse is offered for abusive behavior. Do not negotiate this axiom. This applies to abuse of any family member, friend or guest. Although self-defense is not abuse, self-defense that abuses other people (that goes too far) is abuse. I stated this daily at first "There's no excuse for abuse" whenever Peter called a sibling a name, whenever he spoke harshly to a parent, etc. It didn't take long before abuse became rarer.

2. Direct Statements: When you want something to happen, or to stop, be firm and clear. State: "Don't talk to me that way. I don't like it." If it is bedtime or homework time, say it firmly. "Go to bed now." Or shut off the computer screen, etc. and say, "Do your homework." Some kids don't respond to cutesy bedtime requests or vague non-commands. Be unemotional in your direct statements. Don't give lectures or reasons, just give the command.

3. Disconnect: Cut off communication and contact immediately if a child is being disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive. Turn around and walk away. Communication should end until the child takes responsibility for his behavior. In other words, don't get into it with your child. Never productive.

4. Stop the Show: If the inappropriate behavior occurs in the car, pull over at a safe spot and order the adolescent outside for a minimum of five minutes to regroup. If the teen refuses, turn the car around and go home. If this occurs in a public place or someone's home, tell the teen to come out to the car to talk about this. If he refuses, go home (modify for younger kids who can't be left somewhere).

Peter, despite knowing our tight budget, tends to beg for gardening tools and other hobby things in Walmart and other stores, as though I can rob a bank whenever he wants something. He is impulsive and the idea of waiting until he has his own income drives him insane. I don't give in, but that doesn't stop the begging. I only take him to the store a couple times a month, and I am prepared now to stop everything and take him home the next time he doesn't heed the no-begging rule, after one reminder. He doesn't have public fits, mind you. I just can't stand begging. It's rude, disrespectful, and he needs to gain control over his impulsivity so that when he has his own money, there's enough to actually make his rent and bills, and it's not all wasted on payday, which can happen to untrained ADHD kids. They need explicit, systematic life-skills training.

Peter has expressed during the course of this training that it's very difficult to take responsibility for his behavior. He's even asked how other people do it so easily. Growing up is painful in some ways, I told him. You have to choose to do hard things. That's how you grow up. By choosing to. I want him to be able to take responsibility, someday, for his family's well-being, financially and spiritually. I want him to lead his wife and take responsibility for mistakes in his marriage, at his job, with his children. I want him to be a man. 

That all starts with taking responsibility for his mistakes now, as a tween. It starts with accepting punishments quietly, without argument and serving them faithfully, without trying to negotiate. Merely saying I'm sorry is not taking responsibility for wrong behavior. It goes beyond that, to faithfully serving out all the consequences, both imposed and natural, if applicable.
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If you have any questions, feel free to ask away. There is more to the program, such as how to walk your child through alternative responses to triggering situations, but this has gotten long. All the best to you in your behavior management!