for the joyful and the hard

Attempting to meet the needs of all four children, and then later, my husband's needs, overwhelms on some days. Time to give thanks for the joyful moments, along with some hard hallelujahs for the problems.

Monday Gratitude:

- Mary's fun fixation on rhyming words

- Beth's smile

- Beth's joy at being outside

- Brothers playing ball

- Birds flying high overhead in perfectly straight lines, equal distances apart.  Amazing.

- Hospital pictures of a friend's new baby

- Brothers waiting restlessly for the UPS man to deliver their new math program

- Brothers doing math excitedly at 6:30 PM, because the UPS man came at 6:00 PM.

- Noisy din of four children playing hard while Momma cooked

- Boys folding pajamas

- Kids cleaning their playroom cooperatively

- A hard hallelujah for the ADHD son who chews his shirts constantly, ruining them.  God will provide.

- A hard hallelujah for the speech articulation issues in my two-year-old. How will I find the time to get on the floor and play with toys an hour a day, to draw out more words and consonant sounds?  I know that is what's necessary, and it overwhelms me.  I don't play well.  I can read, sing, and dance, give bountiful love, but I don't play, in the traditional sense. Here is some help for me, and maybe you out there?   I'm going to order one of these DVD's to teach me how to draw language out, though play, thereby delighting my toddler and keeping her out of speech therapy.  As she adds longer sentences, it becomes more clear that we have a problem, Houston. We can't understand her!  Therapy would present a problem, since I have no second vehicle.  And I'm too frightened to send my two-year-old on a bus, which is the speech practice in this district for two-year-olds.  With the Lord on my side, I will learn to do this, in my home, and I will love it.  And Miss Beth will thrive.

- A hard hallelujah for my husband's work and personal frustrations.  After a full day and evening of kid issues and homekeeping, I'm out of steam, and that just doesn't work.  Teach me to be gentle and quiet, pouring forth grace--meeting the needs of those around me.

- A hard hallelujah for a nervous disposition, which makes it harder to meet the needs you've presented me with.

- Praises that our family dynamics are a perfect depiction of the Gospel--never good enough, never quite getting there, sorrow over failures, exhausted by attempts at mastery.  Ultimately, needing to fall at your feet and lay down my life, my timetable, my desires, my comforts, for your divine plan.

Dwelling on all these verses this week:

James 1:2-18 (source found here)

Trials and Temptations

 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. ⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. ¹⁰ But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. ¹¹ For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
 ¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
 ¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
 ¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸ He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

nice day

You can take the teacher out of the classroom, but you'll never take the classroom out of the teacher.  That's even more true for us homeschooling families.  

Everyday is a learning day.  Every part of life--laundry, bread-making, Scripture reading, multiplication, gardening--fosters learning.  

Today we planted forget-me-not and morning glory seeds to start indoors. The seed packets recommend starting most flowers indoors 8-10 weeks before the last frost. They'll flower earlier.

The seed packets were a dollar, the biodegradable pots shown here--you put them right into the ground at planting time--were $2.00 at Walmart (36 cups).  Cheap gardening!  

Paul's front teeth are slowing coming in.  His monster grin will be gone soon, and I'll miss it.  Maybe the th sound will miraculously come in then, too?

Today I'm forty-five and although I'm unhappy with the combination of acne scars mixed with wrinkles, I decided today that to completely avoid cameras now, at 45, means that when I'm 55, or even 60, my kids won't have any pictures of me looking younger.  I've avoided the camera for the most part for the last ten years--only taking a few pictures a year.  When I'm 65, 45 will look fabulous to me.  So...no more avoiding cameras.  I need a younger face to look back on when I'm completely shrivelled, to remind me that I had my time....I had my youth.  Time to pass the baton of youth cheerfully. Everyone gets their turn.  

I highly recommend Wildlife Gardening, by Martyn Cox, 2009.  Peter's had it in hand for most of the last week.  He's fascinated by every page, much like he was fascinated by the Backyard Birdfeeders Bible, for several weeks.  Below are some neat pages from the book.  It's full of ideas to attract many different species of animals, including insects, amphibians, and birds.

Yesterday's beautiful snow melted already.  March snow never stays around for long.  The yard is a marsh and the children are already feeling cabin fever. We're limited to just bike rides until the flooding dries up.

The first money that came in the mail for Momma's birthday went to the boys' new math curriculum.  It arrives Monday and we are all super excited (Teaching Textbooks).  The second check that came, I spent at the thrift store today.  Two and a half hours of fun!  By myself!  

I found more classic literature for our home library.  Over the last two years I've collected many, many classics for about $.50 each.

We really needed a pencil holder and all of these Webster resources.  Momma would have done the happy dance right there in the Goodwill, but thankfully......she calmed down in time to avoid embarrassment.

My closet sported three pairs of threadbare jeans--and one remaining nice pair--so I also scored two pairs of famous-maker jeans, like new, and a Talbot petite top for spring, and two flouncy blouses for church, to go with black slacks or my black skirt.  While I don't particularly like wearing polyester, I do see the value in owning it for outings and church.  It doesn't fade, it machine washes, and it doesn't require ironing.  Most people take it off as soon as they get home and don their cottons--me included--but nevertheless, these pieces make sense for busy moms on a budget.

I don't mind cooking at all these days.  I enjoy it in fact, unless my two year old is out of control while I'm busy in the kitchen.  I involve her as much as possible, and that does work wonders.  Anyhow, Daddy thought I shouldn't be cooking on my birthday, so he took the kids to get hot and ready Little Ceasars pizza.  The kids brought home helium balloons offered by the nice staff, and they had a ball playing with them. 

Daddy would have cooked, but he still works 7 days a week.

I wasn't exactly queen for the day, though, in case you're wondering.  The sweeping, dishes and laundry don't go away ever.

For several days seven-year-old Paul kept reminding that I was turning 45 on Saturday.  I kept pleading, "Oh, don't remind me!"  

Finally, after he went on for three days about my impending doom, I taught him this, instead: "Mommy!  You're going to be 29 on Saturday!"

I have so much to be thankful for!  Praise the Lord for family and home!

And for:

- strong husbands

- sweet kids

- friendly storekeepers 

- giggling kids

- thrift stores

- books for a quarter from Amazon

- cameras to capture home and love and learning

- a lot of wrinkles and a bit of wisdom

- impending spring

- flowers

- tiny brown seeds that become beauty

- floors to sweep that aren't earthen

- clean water

- clean clothes

- warm beds

- new jeans

- yummy frozen fruit

- frozen, steam-in-the-bag veggies

- the chocolate cake that I didn't have time to make, but will make tomorrow

- Mary learning her letters and sounds with joy

- Beth learning along with sister

literature for the heart

I am so thankful!  I came across some wonderful resources to help Christian parents--or any parent--select high-quality children's literature that specifically teaches values and morals to children, without being preachy. Two books to help in this endeavor are featured below, with links to Amazon's selling page.  I also included an especially helpful Amazon review for each book--giving credit to the reviewers by linking to their profile page.

Books That Build Character: A Guide to Teaching Your Child Moral Values Through Stories. by William Kilpatrick, Gregory Wolfe, Suzanne Wolfe (1994)

More than 300 literature titles are listed in this book.


Here is a review excerpt about the book from Amazon reviewer by Paul Dubuc:

This book is valuable not only for the lists and summaries of good books for children (grouped by age level and category) that take up most of its pages. The first 60 pages contain five short chapters on the importance of reading for children and of selecting the sort of books that will build their character and intellect. It explains why it does matter what your child reads (not just that they read). Don't skip this reading. No matter how convinced you are of the importance of good literature for a child's development, your conviction and understanding will deepen by reading what the authors have to say in this introductory material.

The fifth chapter has some especially useful guidelines on selecting and sharing good books. Distinguish between issues and virtues: "Having enlightened opinions is no substitute for having character". "Good books are people centered, not problem centered." Context of behavior portrayed in a book is crucial. "Character building books are not simply about good people doing good things. ... The question is not whether unethical behavior is present, but how it is presented". Look for stories that "open up new possibilities and stretch the imagination. ... be wary of stories that focus exclusively on narrow teen or preteen preoccupations, or those that offer nothing more than the therapeutic reassurance that everything is okay". "Look for books in which the main character grows". There is an education here to help you discern for yourself the quality of children's literature. There is also some good advice on how to read to your children; a good list of "do's and don't's" that make reading aloud more productive an fun. It won't be long before your kids are turning off the TV and asking you to read to them. You will have plenty of good material to draw from with this book as your guide.

Another gem is Honey for a Child's Heart, by Gladys Hunt (1969, fourth edition published 2002).  This linked edition, the fourth, contains 85 pages of book lists. The books are grouped by three age ranges, then by type, such as picture book or series. Next, the books are arranged by complexity of content.  There is also an alphabetized list by author. Most entries contain a one-sentence description, and some contain 2 or 3 sentences. 

Here are a few paragraphs about the book from Amazon reviewer Godly Gadfly: 

The subtitle of this book says it all: "The Imaginative Use of Books in Family Life". Gladys Hunt will promote the imaginative use of books in your family in two ways, corresponding to the two halves of this book. In the first half of this book, Hunt shares her insights and ideas about the value of reading, the usefulness of different genres, her notions about what makes a good book, and useful guidelines on how to select good books. She passes on many valuable insights about reading, such as the value of fantasy and poetry, and the positive contribution books can make in a child's life in contrast to the negative influence of the media. What I really treasured, however, were the multitude of practical hints about making books come alive in the home. Hunt offers terrific suggestions about reading stories out loud together as a family, and even shares worthwhile ideas to make family Bible reading more profitable. The first half of this book alone makes this book worth purchasing, because if you apply some of these ideas they are sure to make books come alive in your home.

But what really makes this book a treasure is the second half, which is an extensive annotated bibliography of books worth reading, arranged by their suitability for various ages. One might be tempted to quibble about a few favorite titles which have not been included, but you can't overlook the fact that this is a very comprehensive list that includes most children's classics and many more. Parents who truly enjoy literature often are faced with the challenge of finding good literature. Hunt makes this challenge a piece of cake, because here is a ready-to-use list of titles worth reading, an almost never-ending supply of books to keep your family busy nearly life-long. She has done the hard work for us - mined through the endless number of books on library shelves, and passed on to us what is truly the honey that is worth reading. As a Christian, Hunt is also very discerning and has a taste for what is truly good. Yet her Christian filtering is not so narrow minded that it excludes all secular classics or great works of literature. She has an appreciation for all literature that is quality literature, and so anyone who enjoys good literature will find her annotated bibliography most valuable.

Both of these books are available at used prices on Amazon!  Praise the Lord!  I linked the title of both books to Amazon's selling page. 


Thank goodness for these wonderful resources!

outside, inside

Outside my window:  The prettiest, wettest snow of the season has fallen in the last twelve hours.  Wet snow lingers on the trees longer, bringing beauty and thanksgiving to all except the most die-hard winter haters.  I love all the seasons, except the mud one.  This snow brings temporary relief to a flooded, muddied yard, not fit for use.

This is an older picture.  We find it so funny that this squirrel decided to use our milk carton bird feeder to give himself shelter from the rain.  Preceding today's snow, we had several days of rain.  

Peter has checked out a myriad of birding and gardening books from the library (he's in obsessive mode with his new interests).  One of the things we learned is that each squirrel will typically eat 200 birds a year, including many bird eggs.  This is becoming a problem as humans change natural landscapes, making fewer nesting areas available to birds.  We simply have fewer birds now, which is a sad and serious problem for us nature lovers. If you and your kids are interested, you can check out books from the library to help you create a bird-friendly backyard.  

Inside my heart:  Peter's various neurological problems occur in cycles.  In the past three days we've moved out of an OCD cycle and entered a stressful ADHD cycle.  The ADHD cycles are the worst for the entire family, leaving Momma clinging to these truths:  God is good all the time.  God only gives good gifts.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.


Inside my head: At the table I've been reading A Child's Garden of Verses, by Robert Louis Stevenson.  Stevenson also wrote Treasure Island and Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, as well as other less famous works.  While Stevenson was famous in his lifetime (1850 - 1894), his work was undervalued in the 20th century by Virginia Woolf and others.  Only in the late 20th Century did Stevenson gain respect in the scholarly world.  


Worldwide though, his work was always appreciated.  He is ranked the 28th most translated author in the world.  Here is his biography, which I read this morning.  I am struck by the number of famous authors who had messy, unconventional personal lives.  Does the messiness contribute to genius, or does genius contribute to the messiness?  It's an interesting question I'll delve into more as I continue to study authors' biographies.  Fewer female authors have colorful histories, but perhaps I've just studied fewer women thus far.    


Also inside my head:  My husband used to be a staunch Republican, except that he lacked strong support for big businesses, like the oil industry. Now that we've experienced such low times economically, he has changed his political views, although because of his pro-life status, he will not change political parties, understandably.  The capitalism we have now, he opines, is corrupt capitalism.  It was never intended to be led by monopolies.


For my part, I have become almost apolitical--though still believing strongly in my vote.  I see clearly that politics isn't the answer.  Greed and godlessness are the problem.  Obviously, politics can't fix the heart.  One side thinks the poor should--and can--magically become middle class, and the other side wants to help the poor, while also brainwashing the citizenry into moral relativism.  Jesus says we will always have the poor.  


Matthew 26:10-11
Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.


If we were a less godless, greedy nation, government intervention to help the poor wouldn't be necessary; the "haves" would help the "have-nots" within the community, through tithes and offerings.  Waste and corruption in the use of funds would be far less of a problem without governmental involvement.  


Both sides need the Word of God--real Truth.  While many people in America claim to be Christian, few live that way, which explains our descent into godlessness.  Those with a truly Biblical worldview probably number around 10% of the population--something I'll hopefully support with statistics soon.

I should be unhappy!

I read this sentence in an e-mail today, written by a non-believer:

"You will never be free of worrying about your children as long as you live unless you have a mental problem, or your children are all happy with their lives.  Such is life!"

It's implied here that I'm not happy with my life, and that I'm someone who should be worried about.  And maybe even....that I have a mental problem? I've got one all right, according to the world.  My mental problem is that I'm born again.  

And why am I a person who needs to be worried about?

Because I have a husband who doesn't clothe me in silk pajamas. Because I can't afford any pajamas. Because my only vehicle is missing hubcaps, and the driver's side door handle is duct-taped on and not working. Because the slider door handle only sometimes works.  Because the keyhole is failing and we can't always start the van--though the key does turn eventually.  Because we don't pay utilities or our house payment on time part of the year--the math doesn't work out; it hasn't worked out since I quit teaching in 2005.  Because my son has neurological abnormalities, adding daily stress to life.  Because my husband is just a custodian.  Because I have four children and rarely have time to myself.  Because if the economy doesn't improve and a better job is not secured, our house will go to the bank, eventually.

The truth about my state of mind?  I am fulfilled.  My life is very, very full. There is nothing lacking.  I have joy.

What times am I not happy, though?  And is the unhappiness a general, long-term unhappiness, or is it with moments of my life?

When my to-do list is long I am overwhelmed and short-tempered and not happy, as Ann Voskamp describes below on page 102-103 of her book.

Her husband wants to take her hand and show her the beautiful harvest moon over the wheat fields.  "You will want to see this."  He knows she'll want to take a picture, but Ann wants him to leave her alone just then.  She writes:

The aping racket rises and I feel it mount and I almost yield to its vise, almost acquiesce, almost desecrate the space with words that snap.  "Can't I just see whatever it is later?"
"Right now?"  Can't he see the kids, hear the kids, feel the crush of all these kids?
It's not him.  Not his hands holding me, the whisper of his voice, his eyes inviting me now.  It's just that I'm feeling time's strangling grip, struggling to make a cathedral of the moment, to hallow it with the holy all here.  It's late and I've got an even later dinner to dish onto eight empty plates.  A half dozen children noisily, happily, ring the table with their hardly washed hands and silly jokes replete with snorts and grunts and dirty feet still needing bathing.  And I haven't served the dinner yet, haven't sliced up the loaf of bread yet, haven't put away the basil, oregano, parsley, the peelings of carrots, the skins of onions, the jars of tomatoes.  Still have to grate the cheese into circles in the soup bowls.  Still have to wash the dishes, sweep the floors, wash up kids, turn down beds, kneel for the prayers weary and long and needy. (One Thousand Gifts, A Dare To Live More Fully Right Where You Are, by Ann Morton Voskamp, 2010, page 102-103)

Ann describes perfectly the dread that overwhelms all mothers at the witching hour--not every night, but certainly on many a night.  The energy and patience needed to get them all fed, bathed, and to bed, followed by the slew of chores to set the house reasonably right for another day, is overwhelming--the emotional exhaustion equalling the physical exhaustion.

These very typical frustrating moments are the angst of my life.  I don't want to "acquiesce and desecrate the space with words that snap".  Not desecrating the space takes everything I've got.  I fail these moments more than I conquer them.  I am broken.

This kind of angst?  It isn't a general, long-term unhappiness.  I am fulfilled and live with rich purpose.  Joy spills much (just not at the witching hour).

I have moments of worry about finances and the future, yes.  I've documented them here.  When I am Word starved and take my eyes off of Him, I worry.  But far more often, I'm filled with peace.  God only has good gifts.  He is always good.  We are not starving.  We will find another place to live should the economy not recover here in time--should our house go to the bank.

My well-being, my sense of what success is, doesn't require silk pajamas or a husband with a fancy title, or even a mortgage.

Holding my tongue and giving thanks in all things--even during the witching hour--is success to me.  Success is holiness.  And I know I'll never get there.  I know.  The cross is mine to cling to--yours too--because God knew we'd never get there. Improve, yes, with the Holy Spirit's help and whispers. But never arrive.

I don't want success.  I want Christ!  I want Him to shine through my brokenness--triumphant!

But a non-believer doesn't speak this upside-down language.  I should be miserable.  I should feel like my life is a failure.  I have no money.  No place to go.  Nothing to see.  It's just me and these kids, day after day, in this house--save for parks and the library and Walmart.  Of course I need to be worried over.  My life is in shambles.

"No!  Not true!", I want to say.  But there is no understanding.  Only hostility at the very sound of these words:  "I am fulfilled."

Oh, how I want loved ones to meet us in Paradise!  So many years I've prayed.  And there is only hostility.

May God be glorified, in this, as in all things!

I pray.  I hope.  He decides.