Discipling Boys: Addressing Selfishness

This morning at breakfast I began tweaking our use of prayer jars. Each person now has a personal prayer jar to draw from during corporate prayer, and during private prayer--with the girls receiving one-on-one assistance during their private prayer time.

I wrote out enough prayers to get the children started. They each took a turn dictating.

Peter, just shy of ten, dictated these prayers:

- I pray for more Carolina Wrens and that the starlings will stop fighting.
- That God will provide us each a present.
- Please help us to be able to afford inks (an art supply item).
- I pray that my Grandpas and my Grandma will become Christians.
- I pray that my headaches will go away.
- Please give me more house finches.
- May we have money to visit our sponsor children.
- Please save cousin Chris and give him a godly wife.
- Please help Uncle David's trustee work to go well. I pray for someone to buy his father's house.
- I pray for more chipmunks for Beth and me.

As he dictated, I noticed that most of them focused on himself--other than a prayer for his grandparent's salvation. After several "me" prayers in a row, I suggested, "What needs do other people have?"


Next it was Mary's turn to dictate prayers for her prayer jar. She'll be five in a few weeks:

- I pray that Raphael has a good meal.
- I pray that Stephanie marries a Christian.
- I pray that Peter's ADHD will go away.
- I pray that Divya will have nice meals, no more dirt floors, and an inside kitchen.
- I pray that Mommy's headaches will go away.
- I pray for Peter's OCD to go away.

Next came Paul, age eight:

- I pray that Raphael will have enough food.
- I pray that we can get more Lincoln Logs for Christmas.
- I pray that Peter will have birds.
- I pray that David's father's house will sell in the bad economy.
- May I have a new football.
- I pray that my relatives will know Jesus.

Now, Paul heard me praise Mary for thinking of others first, so after hearing that, he may have curbed the number of "me" prayers he'd originally planned.

I've noticed this same trend when I pray with my husband. I focus outward first; he focuses inward first. Though in his defense, most of his inward prayers involve his family to some extent, such as prayers for his vehicles.

Because men aren't designed as nurturers, I suspect they combat selfishness to a greater extent. A woman's burden is to nurture and serve; a man's is to provide materially (food, shelter, clothing). God gave us an outward focus, and men an inward focus--without which they would struggle to compete and take what they need for their families.

You might call this a big leap on my part, but it's my theory and I'm stickin' to it (to borrow a Collin Ray phrase).

What starts out as selfishness must be channeled in the right direction, so that God's ultimate purpose for a man is realized. We need to help our boys put a check on their selfishness--selfishness with their time, their money, or their possessions. Obviously, not all men are selfish in the same way (some buy a boat or other large "toy" they don't need, while others play golf and spend hours away from their families), but in all cases, loving as Christ loved the church--sacrificially--is a big leap for them. A challenge of a lifetime, in fact.

The other night my husband served the three younger children a small piece of the remaining chocolate cake. Peter would be happy enough with the leftover apple pie, husband surmised.

Unbeknownst to my husband though, Peter had his eyes on that cake all day. He had to listen to Mommy repeat four times, "After dinner."


Finishing his chore project, Peter scurried to the kitchen to fetch his piece of cake. Oh, my. It was ugly, folks.

Instead of expressing disgust at Peter's fit, what did Miss Mary do? She happily gave Peter what was left of her piece of cake--a small piece to begin with. And that girl loves chocolate!

God designed a mother's body to provide for her baby first. Baby's body gets first pick--the nutrients, the calories, the water--through breastmilk. Momma's body absorbs the leftovers (which is not a problem in first-world countries, where people rarely starve).

Miss Mary only did what came naturally--providing for others' needs first.

If giving is so unnatural to our boys--if selfishness is so ingrained--how do we prepare them to love sacrificially? The answer my own life taught me, is this: Thankfulness. A thankful heart is a giving heart.

First, we acknowledge and appreciate what God has given us. We say thank you. Eventually, that appreciation becomes the vehicle for sharing our blessings. Vertical love--Jesus coming down to be the sacrifice--becomes horizontal giving. God flowing through us and then out of us.

I offer the words of Ann Voskamp, who says it best:

And thanksgiving only becomes thanksliving when joy in the blessings given from above — overflows into the blessings given all around.

Thanksgiving only becomes thanksliving when the thanks for His vertical, coming-down grace — is expressed as a horizontal, reaching-out grace.

Thanksgiving only becomes thanksliving — when thanksgiving to God overflows into a joy of giving.

The joy of giving thanks – is ultimately expressed in the joy of giving.

Voskamp quotes taken from this post:

I submit this to you: To raise up sacrificial men, we need to raise thankful boys. God will do the rest. He will take our boy's thanks-giving, and make it thanksliving.

Next in this series, we'll discuss developing a thankful heart in our boys. How do we get there?

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Counting My Blessings

I'm thankful...

...for these precious girls. 

...for their sisterly love.

...for this rocker. 

...for a little girl who is transformed by nursing and cuddling, and for God, who equipped me to comfort.

...for this delicious meal, which we finally got on the table at 6:00 pm (Late for this holiday, I know. We pull it off without any one to play with the kids. And yes, we forgot to dress for dinner before the photo.)

...a holiday that was, finally, not dominated by ADHD.

...for having my husband with us the whole day! The way to his heart?  Through his stomach. This cliche couldn't be more accurate in my marriage, though he's not picky. Almost any meal will do on a daily basis, as long as meat is included.

...for Paul, who woke up shouting Happy Thanksgiving everyone! He usually wakes up quietly, not saying a word for about twenty minutes. My heart smiled wide at his joy.

...for my Peter, who took charge of the decorations, humble though they are. He looked in every corner of the house to find four candles. Sweet and homemade trumps fancy (in my book). Don't even notice, please, that we drink out of jars gathered from Newman's Own Black Bean and Corn Salsa, which I put in my chili. Matching glasses have long since broken. And as I once said, these "glasses" never topple.

...for a (fake, pre-strung,) tree decorating session this morning not dominated by ADHD stress, thank the Lord!  The adults here wouldn't bother this early, but the kids love it and since it is a lot of work, it may as well be up 30 days. I love corners to hide that we don't have enough ornaments to go all the way around. Something tells me I'm not the only one who uses this trick? 

The picture looks like a fire hazard, but that fireplace is only used for storing puzzles and games up on the mantle, and stuffed animals and big books on the bottom. I keep it loaded up so no one else gets a scar on the forehead from falling against the brick. This is the playroom (mainly used by the kids). Miss Mary's scar (from three years ago) is still visible despite us putting sunscreen on it and keeping her in hats.

...for Lincoln Logs. Peter gets up first and lately he has a Lincoln Log surprise for us every morning. Here is his horse ranch.

...for leftovers in my favorite flavor--sweet potato casserole and sausage apple cranberry stuffing

...for delicious, non-bitter cranberries gently boiled for ten minutes with a cup of orange juice and a cup of sugar. Delectable.

...for letters from Burkina Faso and El Salvador on the same day, along with penpal letters from Wisconsin. Triple treat!

...for Raphael, who sent us a photo of his new jeans and matching shirt and new sandals, courtesy of the $15 we made at our late-summer garage sale. It was worth all that work, though I wish I received a photo of new clothes, plus a farm animal he was able to purchase for milk nutrition. I pray to be able to do this and more, and also that regular letters and small gifts sent with much love, will effectively combat the lies of poverty (you don't matter, God has forgotten you, you're not good enough)

...for a safe, warm home, plentiful space, nutritious food, hot water, washer and dryer and dishwasher, working plumbing (though don't ask about the toilets. My cousin has been busy, but will hopefully help us soon with those. His grandfather, age 93, just passed away and the whole family was very busy providing around-the-clock care for a few months, after colon cancer was diagnosed in late summer. He lived a long, blessed life)

I have more blessings, but husband took the kids to the park and I have, count them, four overflowing laundry baskets of clean clothes to fold. So much less stressful to do that on the few occasions I find myself alone.

Have a blessed time with your families this weekend! I wish you turkey soup tonight, with honey cornbread! You don't need the heavy cream it calls for. I substitute the kids' 2% milk and it's still delicious. I also substitute 100% whole wheat flour for the all purpose. The wheat blends wonderfully with the honey.

I Bring You Holiday Songwriting

This time of year my boys try their hand at songwriting. I'm so tickled it's all I can do to avoid squeezing the stuffing out of their precious little selves.

Paul's Christmas Songs


The Son That's Born

O the Son that's born
O the Son that's born
We give you all the glory
We give you all the glory

We love you
You love us
You are incredable!

O we come to pray for you
We give you gold, fankkies, mur
Gold, fankkies, mur

You are our King
You are our King

Joy to the World


Joy to the world
Jesus is born
He is alive!
We sing and praise Him

Joy to the world
Jesus is alive
He is the Savior!
Joy to the world!

Peter's Christmas Song  (underscores are for longer notes)


Jesus Is Born

Jesus is born
O yes Jesus i_s born
He is here
We love je_sus

He is here
He is here
O yes he i_s he-re
We love Jesus

Peter's Thanksgiving Songs


Song 1


Decorrat the tabol for thanks_giving!
O we love thanks_giving!

But do not forget the tur_keys, tur_keys
O we love tur_keys

Us tur_keys never forget the hunters!
My we are scared of hunters!

O we do not love hunters!
We love the tur_keys!

Song 2


We are tur_keys, tur_keys
We are not here for living
We are here for thanksgiving
We will make your thanksgiving a sucses

Tur_keys, tur_keys
We are tur_keys
But we beware hunters, hunters
Thank us not for that

I gues that setols it!

Some Thanks-giving

Isaiah 12:4
In that day you will say: "Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.

I am thankful for:

~ A boy, Peter, who reads Scripture at the table as though he knows it's washing us clean. He knows!

~ A little girl, Mary, who loves her sister and is sensitive to Beth's feelings and pain. Though stubborn and slow to admit wrong-doing, Mary is sacrificial. There's a lot of sweetness dwelling in her depths and thank the Lord these two haven't found anything to fight about. That's coming as littlest one matures, probably.

~ Paul responded slowly and a little reluctantly to my request for some help. He was in the middle of something but I couldn't wait to ask him. What he said was so surprising: "I know I'm going to be a Daddy someday and I'll have to do things I don't want to do." I'm sure I stood there with my mouth open, all a wonder. Paul sees my husband help with things he doesn't particularly like, such as bathing children, because it helps the evening go smoother. I've known men who sit in a chair when they come home from work, letting the wife do everything. Thankfully, this doesn't describe my husband. He washes his hands, rolls up his sleeves, and engages, without a break for himself. It's amazing that Paul, only just eight years old, comprehends his Daddy's sacrificial love.

~ Most of my children haven't responded naturally with the phrase, "I love you, too." I never required it and though it came with their maturity, its absence tugged at my heart. Along comes Miss Beth, who did it early and delights in it! If you say she looks beautiful, she says with a sparkle in her eye, "You look beautiful, too." If you say her shirt is pretty, she says with a giggle, "Your shirt is pretty, too!" If you say her hair smells good or her curls are so lovely, she responds in kind, with genuine meaning, even if you have bed hair. She isn't perfect and has her moments, but what a bundle of joy!

~ People are praying for Miss Beth and that warms my heart. We feel so helpless..this disease is so unpredictable. The prayers are our hope. Many of these children do well and stop having problems around 8 to 10 years old, but those are the ones with non-aggressive disease. I'm not sure non-aggressive would describe Beth's course, though only two joints affected is encouraging (so far). It feels as though we're paddling a canoe in total darkness, with possible dangers all around. That's why the prayers mean everything. So thank you!

~ The trees are bare now. The color all brown and crunched under our feet. I await the snow dressing God plans for us. Seeing that first red cardinal against white is so exquisite. I hail from dry southern California (not to be mistaken with the snowy, majestic mountains of Yosemite, which you may have visited? They are exquisitely set apart from the southern desert. California's climate and terrain are very diverse).

Now my days are full of beauty--not just on vacations. The lush greenery and colorful Ohio seasons, punctuated by the cardinal against a sea of white, drives my soul toward thanks-giving. Those who live for the expanse and cadence of the sea would disagree. Yes, the sea is a nice place to visit. Sea postcards feature brilliant sun and gorgeous sunset accents. In truth, those who dwell by the sea live in fog much of the time. Colorless. And I need color. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the beauty of your hands!

~ I told you about husband's giving decisions and how they blessed? No car repairs in over a month, praise God, following months of regular mechanic visits. I just got a call from my aunt earlier tonight, whose husband just inherited some money. They want Gary, our shared mechanic, to fix up our van, repairing everything and making it easier to use (like working door handles!) as a Christmas present to us. We have to pray about it because we were thinking of using tax money to buy a used van with less miles. But as my aunt pointed out, you never know what you're going to get. Our mechanic thinks our Toyota Sienna van is worth salvaging, even at over 200,000 miles.

Also, my husband was recently given two sets of free college football tickets (for two), which absolutely thrilled my Paul. Paul and Daddy share a major love for college football and we have a state university nearby.

And the blessings don't end there! Two times the church my husband works for gave us food leftover from their banquets. You know my Peter loved that! And the girls were thrilled that once, cookies were included!

We don't give to God to get back, obviously. But the faith in the giving is credited to us as righteousness and the Lord blesses it. I've heard so many stories of untold blessings after people gave until it hurt. Once a retired, Vietnam-war-vet-turned-pastor of ours gave money to the church building fund that he couldn't afford (two of his children were in college). He did it on faith and a month later he received several thousand dollars from an injured Veteran fund. He wasn't expecting the money. There was some clerical error preventing him from receiving it earlier. He didn't even know about the fund! Sadly, a few years after that he died of a massive heart attack. (We loved him; he officiated at our wedding and he baptized me.) I'm sure his widow and his daughters needed what was left of that money. God provided in miraculous ways!

The power of God, His merciful nature, His faithfulness, His love...it all astounds me! How I wish more knew Him.

Discipling Boys: From Boy to Man

Did you read about Jonathan, a boy left alone at the age of 15, in the Amazon jungle?

Chris Giovagnoni writes:

When Ann introduced you to Jonathan on Saturday she called him a child. I call him a man.

Jonathan’s mother abandoned the family when he was 4. And his father walked out of Jonathan’s daily life not long after.

Jonathan lived in the jungle with his grandparents when his father moved to the city to find work. But last year when death took his grandparents, Jonathan’s father didn’t return. He stayed in the city – with his favorite son – and left Jonathan alone to care for himself. 

Chris goes on later to write:

 In the midst of poverty, from a life of loneliness, Jonathan demonstrates a rare nobility. He stands tall.

Although his life is incredibly difficult, Jonathan is maturing personally, spiritually and morally in the Body of Christ.

When a boy needs comfort he turns to his mother, or he turns to things in this world. When a man needs comfort, he turns to the Lord.

When does a boy become a man?
He becomes a man when he needs to, regardless of age. For some, manhood comes at 15. For others, it may come at 50. And for a few, it may never come at all.

Courtesy of Compassion International: http://blog.compassion.com/when-does-a-boy-become-a-man/#ixzz1eMnKylD8

I was first introduced to Jonathan on Boo Mama's blog. He stole my heart immediately. The next day, Ann wrote about him. Following that, Chris wrote about him in his piece "When Does a Boy Become a Man?" (parts of which I've featured above).

Since learning of this boy-man, I've spent many an hour contemplating how to get my own boys to become men, without this same drama.

It's tempting to think, throw your boy out into the world and let him fight his own battles. Boys become men by fighting their own battles.

Yes, men sometimes need to be warriors, but a battle doesn't define a man. A man is not primarily a warrior. And bravery? A man can be brave, but ungodly and irresponsible. So, neither does bravery define a man.

I love Chris' definition: When a boy needs comfort he turns to his mother, or he turns to things in this world. When a man needs comfort, he turns to the Lord.


What makes a man turn to God instead of his mother? What transitions him from boy to man? I honestly believe the Holy Spirit does it through simple and consistent lessons initiated by parents. We provide the opportunities for growth, and the Holy Spirit speaks to our boy's heart

Some ideas below, and please add your own.

~ Pray for your boy, that God will grow him up. Pray for parenting wisdom and strength.

~ Boys need to observe godly men handle everyday life decisions (father, uncles, pastors, friends).

~ Let him hear his father's prayers. Boys need to know that a man goes to God for strength--not to the world.

~ Treat him with respect using affirming words. Require respect from him. Require that sisters respect him also (sisters can be nagging of their brothers sometimes). Remember, men need to feel respected more than loved. Require him to watch out for his sister--loving her and protecting her.

~ Don't make life too easy. Let him know want and need without compromising his emotional or physical health.

~ Challenge him with increasing responsibility--each birthday, add responsibility either inside or outside the house. Teach the tasks and then hold him accountable.

~ Model how to do a personal devotional time and schedule it into his day. Perhaps give him his own prayer jar and write out a simple format to follow. For example:  Praise God, Confess to God, Thank God, then pray for each of the needs in the prayer jar. Next, assign a chapter from the Bible. The goal is to make devotional time a habit so that when your son leaves your home, he continues the practice. I believe the Lord will speak to our boys during this time. The Holy Spirit will take over and this won't be a chore.

~ Make him serve others in your own home (brothers and sisters, parents) and in the church and community. I believe the Holy Spirit will speak service into their hearts if we do our part (modeling this, and requiring it). Self-sacrifice--something Christian husbands and fathers must do regularly--must be practiced. The sin nature fights this but if we require it in childhood, it won't be so foreign to them when they leave our home. A boy will feel the rewards, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.

~ Model how to handle money (tithing and offering and saving) and give him some years to practice this, with your guidance. Don't bail him out when he makes mistakes, even if it means missing out on major events.

In parenting there are no guarantees. That's the hardest part of this journey: the unknown.

But if we rely on His strength instead of our own, we can't go wrong. We are nothing as parents without our loving, merciful Father raising our children for Himself. He does it through us, not because of us. 


Our posture must be this:  on our knees

What are your thoughts?

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