Battleground

Good news today. Peter's eyes are fine. His optic nerves are enlarged, which happens with glaucoma, but the doctor thinks it's congenital and not something sinister. She will check him again in two years to make sure everything is still fine. She said the Strattera ADHD med is not at all related and he should continue with his medicine. Peter had a horrible time with his OCD the whole time we were at the appointment, after being off the med for 2.5 days. It made me realize just how much Strattera helps calm the voices in his head. I felt so sorry for him!

Beth's arthritis flare seems to be gone, though right now she is sick for the first time since April (mild cold). New flares can sometimes come from illnesses, but so far so good. She's able to walk right out of bed more often now and the swelling has been consistently down in her knees for a week. She's still walking on her toes, though, so the pain must be persisting. Reminding her to walk heel to toe isn't working. She simply says, "No, Mommy. It hurts." She is getting better about letting me flex her feet to stretch the muscles involved.

Looking for specific information the other day, I found two personal mommy blogs about Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. They detailed the ups and downs of parenting a child with JRA. One was about parenting two children with the worst kind of JRA--the systemic type! I couldn't read for very long, but I skimmed enough to remind me that this disease is a long haul. One mom wrote that her 12-year-old daughter's eyes were free from any inflammation for the first time in ten years! That floored me, though I knew the eye involvement could persist beyond the arthritis symptoms. And the severity of the arthritis is not related to the severity of the eye inflammation.

I can't think about Beth's eyes being inflamed for that long, requiring steroid use or worse on a long term basis. The 12-year-old daughter's vision, miraculously, did not seem impaired. The steroid drops did not lead to glaucoma, even after ten years of use.

Something else I noticed? Both those mommy blogs were written by Christian women. Spirit-filled Christians pointing to God's provision and blessing despite having to watch a beloved child experience pain, frequent doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, and endless procedures.

God puts Christians on the front line. The first couple years, my newly Christian life seemed full of blessing. God showered me with goodness. Three years in, trials arrived.

They keep on coming. I had to redefine blessing, but God is still showering me with goodness.

The front lines. The Christian life is a battleground wherein God must get the glory. He trains us, his soldiers, to decrease, so he can increase. When he increases we are victorious in battle, no matter our circumstances.


As your day progresses, ask yourself....am I being a humble servant today? Picture the battleground. You don't fight to win. You fight to let Him win.

Playing, Singing, Pretending

My sweet girl turned 5 last week!

The children opened their presents on Saturday. We started opening them a week ahead last year and it worked out well for all. My son's ADHD can make holidays a challenge. Breaking up the festivities helps us focus on Jesus on Christmas Day.

Mommy and Daddy got them each a teddy bear, and Grandma and Grandpa got them a guitar, Playdoh toys, a shopping cart set and a couple card games for the boys. They've played their little hearts out for three days. Mary loved the guitar too and told me her dream is to be on stage and sing at the microphone. She imitates a rock star quite well! She made up the sweetest Christmas carols today.

The preschoolers sang one song with the Children's Christmas Choir, then they got off stage and the older children sang four more songs. Peter and Paul both had a speaking part from Scripture. Mary and Beth both loved being up there! A couple excited, proud little hams they were, as they sang Away In The Manger. Beth didn't want to leave and Mary had to go back on stage and escort her off. The preschool teacher had a good sense of humor and didn't seem to mind the delay.

Peter opened his teddy bear and asked, "I like it, but what do you do with a teddy bear?" Mommy answered, "You love it and sleep with it and take it on adventures around the world. And you have teddy bear tea parties."

So that's what we did today.

Peter had a routine eye exam on Saturday and we learned that the pressure in his eyes is above normal. Normal pressure, measured by the puff test, is 10 to 21. His was 24 and 25. Tomorrow he has a two-hour appointment to be evaluated for glaucoma (which doesn't run in either family).

We were shocked and dismayed to say the least, especially after so much other bad health news this year. I wondered if the ocular hypertension could be caused by his non-stimulant ADHD med (Strattera 18 mg.) I  researched and quickly found out that if you have high eye pressure or a family history of glaucoma, you're not supposed to use Strattera. I immediately stopped giving it to him, even though his pediatrician is on vacation until January.  I don't know how we'll control the ADHD, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome, but I suspect God knows.

If we come to find out he does have glaucoma, I'm going to be awfully upset that his doctor didn't require Peter to have a routine eye exam, with the puff test for glaucoma suspect, before starting the Strattera in 2010!  One can have high eye pressure and not have glaucoma. The eye doctor who examined Peter, in fact, has the same eye pressure Peter has, without any glaucoma.

We're both nervous about that appointment tomorrow, desperately hoping we won't receive bad news. This year has tested our faith more than any other. I don't know what to say about it all. I mean really, how could all this happen in one year?

I have to cling to my favorite Scripture verse:

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Discipling Boys: The Question and The Wound

In his book Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of A Man's Soul, author John Eldredge remembers a hiking adventure he and his boys enjoyed together. He offered encouragement to his eldest son, Sam.

"Way to go, Sam! You're looking good. That's it...now reach up to your right...yep, now push off that foothold...nice move. Way to go, Sam. You're a wild man."
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, pg 61

Soon Sam finishes the climb and his dad begins to clip his brother into the gear. While Dad attends to these tasks, Sam waits. A short while later he sidled up to his Dad and in a quiet voice asked, "Dad...did you really think I was a wild man up there?"


John Eldredge writes about this moment:

Miss that moment and you'll miss a boy's heart forever. It's not a question--it's the question, the one every boy and man is longing to ask. Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they've been given.


In order to understand how a man receives a wound, you must understand the central truth of a boy's journey to manhood: Masculinity is bestowed. A boy learns who he is and what he's got from a man, or the company of men. He cannot learn it any other place. He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women. The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay the foundation for a young boy's heart, and pass on to him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength. Dad would be the first man in his life, and forever the most important man. Above all, he would answer the question for his son and give him his name. Through the history of man given to us in Scripture, it is the father who gives the blessing and thereby "names" the son.
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, p.62

I find all John's assertions compelling. A therapist versed in the wounds of countless men, John Eldredge knows what he's talking about. His own father, an absent alcoholic, wounded him by never engaging his son. He never gave "the blessing" to John and for many years the author was a workaholic. He disengaged from his wife and family and pursued worldly success, trying to answer "the question" for himself. Did he have what it takes? Was he a man?

Men respond to the wound--given at the hands of a father--by becoming hard-driven overachievers who neglect their families and refuse to engage emotionally. Or they become passive. The hard-driven man is trying to prove himself and the passive man has no fight in him at all. He doesn't see the point...he believes he's a failure.

Dave remembers the day the wound came. His parents were having an argument in the kitchen, and his father was verbally abusing his mother. Dave took his mother's side, and his father exploded. "I don't remember all that was said, but I do remember his last words: "You are such a mama's boy," he yelled at me. Then he walked out." Perhaps if Dave had a strong relationship with his dad most of the time, a wound like this might be lessened, healed later by words of love. But the blow came after years of distance between them. Dave's father was often gone from morning till night with his own business, and so they rarely spent time together. What is more, Dave felt a lingering disappointment from his dad. He wasn't a star athlete, which he knew his dad highly valued. He had spiritual hunger and often attended church, which his dad did not value. And so those words fell like a final blow, a death sentence.
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, pg. 69

There's a young boy named Charles who loved to play the piano, but his father and brothers were jocks. One day they came back from the gym to find him at the keyboard, and who knows what else had built up years of scorn and contempt in his father's soul, but his son received both barrels: "You are such a faggot."
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, pg. 69-70

In the case of violent fathers the boy's question is answered in a devastating way. "Do I have what it takes? Am I a man, Papa?" No, you are a mama's boy, an idiot, a faggot, a seagull. Those are defining sentences that shape a man's life. The assault wounds are like a shotgun blast to the chest....The passive wounds are not, they are pernicious, like a cancer. Because they are subtle, they often go unrecognized as wounds and therefore are actually more difficult to heal.
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, pg. 70

Some fathers give a wound merely by their silence; they are present, yet absent to their sons. The silence in deafening. I remember as a boy wanting my father to die, and feeling immense guilt for having such a desire. I understand now that I wanted someone to validate the wound. My father was gone, but because he was physically still around, he was not gone. So I lived with a wound no one could see or understand. In the case of silent, passive, or absent fathers, the question goes unanswered. "Do I have what it takes? Am I a man, Daddy?" Their silence is the answer: "I don't know...I doubt it...you'll have to find out for yourself...probably not."
John Eldredge, Wild at Heart, pg. 71

It's hard not to shed tears over these stories. This is why Jesus had to die for us. We're so broken.

I don't have time to go into more right now, but I felt it was so important to relay these truths to you, as mothers. If your own husband is wounded, he may have a harder time bestowing masculinity on his sons. We must pray.

Later we'll discuss the healing. But for now, remember...Jesus is our Redeemer! Our wounds don't melt away, but we have strength and perfect love in our relationship with Abba Father.

Living The Cross: Our Charge as Mothers

I spent a few hours this morning learning how to file a motion for continuance. Soon I'll know enough to be an unofficial legal aid--not that I have such aspirations, but you're welcome to write me if you need assistance with a debt suit under $5000. (Over that amount is a small claims matter, with different procedures). I don't have a lot of readers left because I write about poverty and Compassion International too often for comfort, but nevertheless, a good amount of people viewed my debt post. I presume because they like juicy details? Or more sadly, because they're in debt themselves?

At any rate, this is painful folks. Live poorly until you get out of debt--aggressively pound that balance because the Lord hates it. If you fail to repent, he'll deal with you and it will be painful. God is many things to us, including Counselor and Comforter and Savior and Father. But He is also to be feared....so often we Christians forget that part.

Anyhow, Beth has an important eye appointment on the same day I'm to appear in court. Hopefully the judge will look kindly upon my pro se motion for continuance.

My heart is heavy with grief because instead of attending to my children, I had to research a debt matter under pressure, leaving me cranky and depressed. Sometimes I wonder...if I was raised a Christian would we be struggling this much? If my husband had a loving father who didn't wound him continually, and if he were without ADHD issues, would he be in a better position at this point in his life? Should we move out of economically-depressed Ohio? What can we do differently right now? And what about Beth's disease and the continuity it requires? And Peter's condition and the consistency he requires?

I asked the Holy Spirit all these questions, wanting to get back into a thankful mood quickly. I'm keenly aware when I fall into self-pity and I work with the Holy Spirit to get out of it as quickly as possible. We don't have a right to self-pity, ever, because of the Cross.

The Holy Spirit, my Counselor, seemed to say: "Forget about the past and the what-ifs. And give the future to Me. Move forward with gratitude because of your salvation. Endeavor to give these children a better life--a life focused on the Gospel and being the hands and feet of Jesus. Love them well. Disciple them well. Forget about your life and lay it down for them.

So I face the rest of my day with that charge: Lay down my life for my children. When we lay down our lives for another, we're no longer held captive by our selfishness or self-pity. What seals the fate for the next generation, more than anything else? The selfishness of the previous generation. 


Whatever your circumstances--and if you're part of the human race, you've got circumstances--remember the charge Christ gives us.

John 15:13
There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.


Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.


1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

photo credit

Acknowledging His Work

Have you ever made a list, either mentally or on paper, of all the heart changes the Holy Spirit's completed in you? Isn't it amazing how He transforms us? His work is so beautiful, like the most exquisite artwork imaginable.

When we talk about making gratitude lists, we mustn't forget to acknowledge His work in us. Our acknowledgement, which leads to gratitude, helps us maintain an attitude of humility, because it's an everyday reminder of our dependence on God for anything good that comes from us.

Often hardships are part of the overall heart change the Holy Spirit works in us. So for those, too, we must give thanks. Ann calls these hard hallelujahs. I explained this term to eight-year-old Paul the other day and he responded, "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to be thankful for hard things." (Just an aside here: Discipling children is a full-time job. To look at it any other way is to discount its importance.)


Today, my gratitude list includes heart changes and the hard hallelujahs that birthed them. I won't get to all of them in a day, but this is a start.

~ We are more thankful than we were three years ago. Hard hallelujah =  being low income and knowing that our daily bread truly does come from God alone.

~ With each passing year, Christmas is less work, less stress, and more a reminder of what we need to be doing all year long as Christians: thanking, worshiping, and giving of our hearts, time, and pocketbook, in Jesus' name. The food is good too, of course, and the time off to be fully together. But presents? That's fading in our minds and in our children's minds. This year, they hope for one present under the tree. With God's help, we're going to manage that. Their hoping for only one? That is a miracle and a blessing, brought about by the same hard hallelujah = being low income and knowing that joy doesn't come from things. Too many things = ungratefulness and wasted time managing those things.

~ We are more humble. Hard hallelujahs = shame about financial failures, having to accept help from family and friends and looking more shabby than most people we run into. (old cars, worn clothes, etc.) When you are shabby (I don't mean unclean here) your ego can't puff up as much. Notice I qualified this with "as much". Human egos will always find some reason to puff up. Humility is a daily process of acknowledging our dependence on God. Prayer, worship, and Bible reading help us remember our position before God. When we spend that time the Holy Spirit speaks truth into us about ourselves, and about our loving, merciful God.

~ We are more prayerful.  Hard hallelujahs = financial hardship and loneliness/isolation. The more we need God and go to Him, the more we want fellowship (prayer) with Him. It makes sense that time spent on our relationship with Him brings not only greater peace, but greater desire for Him.

~ We are more compassionate. Hard hallelujahs = miscarriages, disorders, chronic health issues, disease, financial hardship

~ We have more perspective. Hard hallelujahs = learning about abject poverty and social injustice and the devastating, debilitating diseases others suffer. All of these lessons are painful, but a necessary process for every Christian.

~ We know why we were saved. Hard hallelujah = learning about abject poverty and knowing that we are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This is how He can allow abject poverty: Because we, Christians, are the answer to it. It is up to us to redistribute our abundance, out of a thankful heart. (Of course, we are also saved to fellowship with God.)

~ We are more selfless. Hard hallelujahs = children with special needs taking up our "personal" time

I have to be disciplined and stop here today.

How about your list? What works of grace are on there?