When Marriage is Hard

How do you stay in the game when everyone's enjoying it more than you? Surely something's wrong when it's this hard, right?

That's what I'm asking this morning, not because my own marriage is in trouble, but because three marriages we know are either crumbling or crippled.

Not that ours is stellar right now. My husband is discouraged about the amount of time children take away from marriage. When can we count on them to stay asleep, he wonders? What will guarantee they'll fall asleep when the clock says they should? When will someone watch them so we can go out...for the first time in two years?

And I wonder how you live happily with someone who counts hardships rather than blessings? How do you live with a glass half-empty person and not grow weary?

Two of the three marriages around us struggle with the same thing...a glass half-empty person sabotaging the positive flow the other spouse desires, and finds second nature. It's not uncommon for God to pair up opposite personalities who have similar values. The differences mold us and the similarities ensure we're both going in the same direction. 

When one person is higher maintenance for whatever reason, how does the other spouse consistently give more--and still regard the marriage as a blessing rather than a constant drain? 

Lord, I want to know how to pray for other marriages, and how to flourish in my own. What are the issues you want to speak into my heart? What wisdom from you will help marriages everywhere?

1. Let God Do the Loving

1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us. 

Don't try to love in your human strength. You'll fail and Satan will win. Pray that God will love your spouse through you. Pray to become God's instrument of love. Knowing your own brokenness will help you remember to love in His strength, not your own. Satan wants you to love in your own strength because he knows this means failure.

2. Draw Strength from Scripture

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

If your marriage is in trouble, or if you're struggling for any reason, don't forsake God. You need Him and if you don't go to Him, Satan wins. Better yet, abide in Him all the time and ward off trouble before it starts. Set a timer and pick up your Bible or kneel to pray at regular intervals. 

If you don't know the Bible well, Google your particular spiritual need and read the verses suggested. For example, if you need strength or encouragement, Google "encouraging Bible verses". Or "Bible verses for strength". Or "Bible verses about Christian marriage". Also, develop a Bible reading plan which includes the Old and New Testaments. We can't mature in our faith if we only read the Bible in fits and starts. To really know God's heart and His plan for mankind, read the Word from cover to cover.

3. Be Humble

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

How do we live at peace with everyone? How is this possible, when the world is full of difficult people?  Mentally ill people, even, with no conscience or boundaries. The Lord knows it isn't always possible, so he asks one thing of us. Just do your part. Let me worry about the outcome.

Doing our part involves having a humble heart. We can't give 150% without a strong sense of humility. Satan works to puff up our egos. Scripture reminds us of our depravity and our total dependence on God. Prayer does the same. You can't spend time in the presence of God on a regular basis and have an ego problem. And the opposite is true: If you don't spend time with God on a regular basis, you will have an ego problem.

Meditate on the verses below to understand how God feels about humility:

2 Chronicles 12:12 And when he humbled himself the wrath of the LORD turned from him, so as not to make a complete destruction. Moreover, conditions were good in Judah.

Job 22:29 For when they are humbled you say, ‘It is because of pride’; but he saves the lowly.

Psalms 18:27 For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down.

Psalms 149:4 For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation. 

Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

4. Respond to the Holy Spirit

As you pray, the Holy Spirit will give you tangible direction, even if it's to remain still and wait. Follow His directions. 

For example, my task is to have the children mostly ready for bed when my husband arrives home at 7:00 PM. We've been having family meals despite his long working hours, but now it's time to save dessert for 7:00 PM and eat earlier without Daddy. The children can still sit at the table with Daddy while he eats dinner, and we can still talk about intimate things together, with Daddy still guiding us spiritually.

If one spouse is feeling neglected--whether that seems reasonable or not--it's time to mix things up and find more time. 

Children require a lot of time and energy and I can't make that go away; I love being a mother. When poison ivy itches in the middle of the night, a child needs attention. When dreams become too much, a child needs attention. When the dark is too dark, a child cries out. 

But I have to make sure I'm giving just as much energy to my marriage. Men with quality time as their primary love language will have the most trouble during the child-rearing years, even if they love being fathers. None of us chooses our love language, any more than we choose our personality. It isn't my husband's fault that he needs more of my time.

That's important to remember no matter what the issues in your marriage are. Your spouse didn't choose to be critical, or negative, or nervous, or serious, or overly-driven. If it's his personality you have trouble with, don't hold it against him. He probably dislikes the negatives in his personality as much as you do and if he could change them, he would. And the opposite is also true. We would change what we hate about our own personality, if we could. 

The Holy Spirit will help sort out the issues. He'll put the right information in our laps and the right attitude in our hearts. We must be receptive and obedient and spend quiet time with God, so we can listen. We can pray all we want, but if we don't also get quiet and listen, change won't happen.

5. View Your Spouse as Jesus Does; Live the Gospel

Jesus died for your husband. You may wonder at times if your spouse is worth all the effort, but Jesus doesn't question this. Your spouse is dearly loved and Jesus sees him as a sinner in need of grace.  Look through the eyes of Jesus and be ready to extend that grace. Be ready to express undeserved love. The grace and love you also need.

6. Be Thankful

If you haven't already started your blessing list, start now. It'll give you a whole new perspective and sometimes that's all we need to thrive in our marriages. Perspective.

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

7. Be Obedient to God Concerning Divorce

If your spouse is faithful, stay married to him. If he's strayed in the past and has repented and asked for forgiveness, stay married to him. Only in cases of adultery, or abandonment by an unbelieving spouse, is a Christian permitted to divorce.

If you're in an abusive marriage--either serious emotional manipulation or physical abuse--move out but don't divorce. Chances are you're an enabler--a condition which attracted you to an abuser in the first place. Both of you need help and staying under the same roof together will only prolong the abuse and dysfunction. 

Remove yourself and get help and ask that your spouse get help. Even if your spouse never gets help, at least you've taken responsibility for your own emotional health. Your children depend on you for a picture of a healthy marriage. If you maintain an abusive marriage your child may marry an abuser, or become one. So remove yourself and let God redeem the brokenness. Easier said than done, but nothing is too big for God. Remain romantically unattached. Wait on God to heal your spouse.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Multitude Monday: Learning From Hosea

Beth, who works in the church nursery with me, mentioned that she and her husband were attending a study on Hosea. "Oh, my", she said. "It's so interesting!"

This year I've been really blessed by several Old Testament prophet books. These books reveal so much about God's heart--about the shocking beauty of his mercy, love, and faithfulness. I say shocking because so much detail is given of Israel's sin and unfaithfulness. Their idolatry and sinful ways were grotesque, vile, unforgivable. God speaks his anger and wrath about it, through his prophets. 

But then.

The whole narrative turns on a dime and we see God's incredible love and mercy...his desire to restore his people to himself. His desire to prosper them and care for them tenderly, to take them back into the fold of his loving, Fatherly arms.

We, my friends, are Israel. We fail God all the time and he draws us back to himself, time and again, in love and faithfulness, only wanting our repentance...our acknowledgement of Him...our thankfulness for all that he has done for us. 

I never find the reading dry and it goes by quite fast. I encourage you to begin studying some Old Testament prophet books and see if you aren't similarly blessed. Use a study Bible, like the Life Application Study Bible, as you go through them.  

After Beth said: "It's so interesting!", I immediately wanted to begin Hosea, but a busy day followed church and it never happened.

Until the Lord jolted me awake at 11:30 PM, after I'd fallen asleep around 10:00 PM. I love it when He does that! He honors my desire to study and he finds a way for me.

I read the entire book, fourteen chapters in all, but I wouldn't call it interesting. 

It's downright beautiful.

Hosea, a prophet, is asked to take a wife who will later become adulterous and cause him many heartaches. Their relationship will symbolize Israel's adulterous relationship with God. 

While I can't adequately cover the entire book, I do want to highlight some favorite verses and discuss how they might apply to us.

Hosea 1:2 When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the LORD."

Hosea 3:1  The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."

Can you imagine the heartache Hosea endured? For his wife had many children and some were from the seed of other men. She left him eventually and could not provide for herself, enslaving herself to survive. Hosea, in obedience to the Lord, bought her back and loved her.

We make idols for ourselves just like the Israelites did--we get distracted by this or that activity, spending all our time on it, or we busy ourselves pursuing and caring for the world's cares and goods--becoming unfaithful to God in the process, just as Hosea's wife did.

How this grieves our Lord! As you read these prophet books, you experience God's aggrieved heart and you come to understand...The Lord desires to be remembered and worshiped and thanked. 

Hosea 11:3-4

It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,

taking them by the arms;

but they did not realize

it was I who healed them.

I led them with cords of human kindness,

with ties of love;

I lifted the yoke from their neck

and bent down to feed them

The Lord was wounded that they turned from him at all, but especially this fiercely, this vilely. How is it that they couldn't remember what God had done for them? That they wouldn't acknowledge him or thank him?

Hosea 13:4-6

“But I am the Lord your God,

[who brought you] out of Egypt.

You shall acknowledge no God but me,

no Savior except me.

I cared for you in the desert,

in the land of burning heat.s

When I fed them, they were satisfied;

when they were satisfied, they became proud;

then they forgot me.

Read this last verse, paying particular attention to the blue words. When God cares for us and blesses us, bringing us satisfaction, what do we do in return? All of us are guilty of this. We forget God! We go about our days and feel good. There's a break in the everyday troubles of life and we think not of God, but about how great we are to have arrived at such success, such equilibrium.

And we even begin to judge others. Our pride becomes so ugly, we think thus: If they would only make the good decisions I have, or if they would only work harder, things would go well for them, too.

It's true, isn't it? We forget God's blessing and provision when things are going well and our pride swells, bringing us down, eventually. 

We bring God's wrath upon us:

Hosea 13:7-8 

I will come upon them like a lion,

like a leopard I will lurk by the path.

Like a bear robbed of her cubs,

I will attack them and rip them open.

Like a lion I will devour them;

a wild animal will tear them apart.

The beauty of Hosea is this: Even while we were sinners, God loved us. His heart ached for us in our blindness.

Hosea 11:8-11

“How can I give you up, Ephraim?

How can I hand you over, Israel?

How can I treat you like Admah?

How can I make you like Zeboiim?

My heart is changed within me;

all my compassion is aroused.

I will not carry out my fierce anger,

nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.

For I am God, and not man—

the Holy One among you.

I will not come in wrath.

They will follow the Lord;

he will roar like a lion.

When he roars,

his children will come trembling from the west.

They will come trembling

like birds from Egypt,

like doves from Assyria.

I will settle them in their homes,”

declares the Lord.

For I am God, and not man--the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath. How beautiful is that? We would not offer this mercy and forgiveness to those who treated us even a quarter as badly as the Israelites treated God. Because we are not God. We do not love as God loves. We do not have his mercy, his grace, his faithfulness. We must understand who He is, and who we are. We must daily live that realization...that we are not God. He is to be revered as our Creator, our Redeemer. We are to tremble at His name!

More about the compassion of the Lord here:

Hosea 13:14

"I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction? 

The apostle Paul used this passage to teach the resurrection of our bodies from death (1 Corinthians 15:55). For those who have trusted in Christ for deliverance from sin, death holds no threat of annihilation.(From Life Application Study Bible)

The Book of Hosea ends with the blessing that repentance brings. The first section of blue words: Say to Him: Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips.The fruit of our lips? What is that? It's our thanksgiving! He wants us to thank Him!

Hosea 14

1Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God.

Your sins have been your downfall!

2Take words with you

and return to the Lord.

Say to him:

“Forgive all our sins

and receive us graciously,

that we may offer the fruit of our lips.^a

3Assyria cannot save us;

we will not mount war-horses.

We will never again say ‘Our gods’

to what our own hands have made,

for in you the fatherless find compassion.”

4“I will heal their waywardness

and love them freely,

for my anger has turned away from them.

5I will be like the dew to Israel;

he will blossom like a lily.

Like a cedar of Lebanon

he will send down his roots;

6his young shoots will grow.

His splendor will be like an olive tree,

his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon.

7Men will dwell again in his shade.

He will flourish like the grain.

He will blossom like a vine,

and his fame will be like the wine from Lebanon.

8O Ephraim, what more have I^b to do with idols?

I will answer him and care for him.

I am like a green pine tree;

your fruitfulness comes from me.”

9Who is wise? He will realize these things.

Who is discerning? He will understand them.

The ways of the Lord are right;

the righteous walk in them,

but the rebellious stumble in them.

Prayer Time: Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for your sacrifice, for your mercy and grace and love. Thank you that even though we didn't deserve it, you had compassion on our wayward hearts. May we never lose that sense of wonder at your love, at your faithfulness. Help us to be true and sincere in our faith. Help us to stay away from the things of the world--its hopes, dreams, pursuits--and pursue only you and the things that you love. And I pray my friends will find blessing in your prophet books, as well as my children. May we all have a fuller understanding of your love, your wrath, and of the mourning your heart experiences over our transgressions. May we have thankful hearts always, Lord, remembering that everything we have comes from you.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Dear Lord, thank you for these gifts:

~ 70-degrees and sunny today. Beautiful fall weather!

~ Hugs in the middle of the night from my three-year-old.

~ Kisses for my honey, three in a row, because he made the taco bake while I did school planning. The children grimace in disgust when we kiss, but secretly, I think they love it. It gives them a sense of security and well-being?

~ A good school year beginning.

~ Peter's asthma gone for now.

~ Kids rockin' to the News Boys' song in the van and memorizing the lyrics: God's Not Dead He's Surely Alive! 

~ Fall comfort foods coming this week. I suddenly feel like cooking up a storm when the temps fall! We're back to summer on Wednesday but I'll be cherishing these next couple days. 

~ Helpful, faithful online friends. Thank you!

~ Knowing in my heart that God is working, even though some situations around me seem hopeless.

~ Friendship with Beth from the church nursery.

~ Being able to share about the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Josh Harris, with two dating girls who work in the nursery with me, who are both suffering broken hearts. It doesn't have to be that way!

~ Going through storage boxes and pulling out long-sleeve shirts and some jeans for the kids, seeing how they've grown this past summer. Clothing changes each season remind me of how fast the time is going. I am inspired to slow down and cherish today, this moment, of my motherhood experience. Cherish them. Read more books, give more spontaneous hugs and kisses, listen attentively more, sit and color and enjoy their presence in my home, longer than I did the day before. Let my love affair with motherhood grow daily, never diminishing.

Friends, what are you thankful for?

Linking with Ann today, and other thankful ladies.

Parenting as Prayer

Friends, I have tangible evidence that prayer for our children works! I'm giving thanks tonight.

Let me explain?

Some stubbornness is to be expected in children ages 3.5 and 5.5. I get this. But both my daughters are about as stubborn as a butternut squash is to cut into. Sweet and tasty on the inside, begging for cinnamon and nutmeg, if you can ever get in there.

For example, they have no difficulty apologizing to each other (they're very tight) but when it comes to apologizing to others? They dig their heals in and pout and will take a consequence rather than apologize. In fact, Mary is one of the most stubborn children you'll ever meet, despite having two parents who ranked high in submissiveness on Christian personality surveys.

Oh...I'm stubborn all right, but no more than the average woman. I'm talking far higher than average for dear little Mary, and though it may be too soon to rank Beth's stubbornness, I suspect it, too, is high.

Will they have difficulty obeying God? Will they make colossal mistakes in their teens or twenties, negatively affecting their entire future? Will their hearts ever be submissive, desiring to please the Father? And hopefully their parents occasionally? Will they remain in the faith or go their own way?

I have my set of worries about Peter too, who is easily angered and very reactive.

I prayed, but things remained the same.

I continued to pray.

And this week, a breakthrough.

No, they aren't cured of sin. The breakthrough wasn't with the children, but with me. (Not that I'm cured either.)

When it comes to training children in the way they should go, the problems lie as much in our reactions, as in their behaviors.

This week the Lord answered my parenting prayers by changing me. Whenever a heart issue came up with one of these three children, instead of reacting, the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray for their relationship with the Father, first.

I turned every transgression into a prayer. And then, while calm and with faith that the Father will complete a good work in them, I went on to give a reasonable consequence if appropriate. Peter and Mary are saved and receptive to the Holy Spirit, but Beth is young yet. She has some knowledge and some spiritual practices, but not salvation.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

Previously, my worrying about their futures as Jesus followers prompted me to react emotionally to their transgressions. It was as though I panicked somewhat every time they displayed a hard heart.

Having the Holy Spirit tangibly direct my parenting this week renewed one of my core beliefs: Parenting is a prayer.



I believe our greatest parental accomplishment, and greatest act of love as a parent, is to pray consistently for our children. Prayer is hard. In our down time--if we have any, that is--there are so many things we need to do, or that we'd like to do, that prayer easily gets pushed aside. It's a sacrificial act until it's routine, but then the very act of prayer becomes blessing.

Get through that first month clinging to consistent prayer, and feel and watch a lifelong habit form. It's transforming.

We've all failed enough as parents to know this: We can't do it in our own strength.

Once you have your prayer system in place, wait and see, continuing to pray in faith. Notice how the Holy Spirit will make you his instrument, his robot if you will, letting parental wisdom and love flow right through you.

The greatest parent we'll ever know? Our Heavenly Father! We need Him as the wind beneath our parenting wings.

If we pray consistently for our children, we'll never regret it. If we don't, the regret will last a lifetime. 

Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul

My new favorite song. And thank you to Kathleen for posting this video on her blog.

When this song comes on, gratitude tears flow by the second singing of the chorus. It's so powerful and while I sing it, I know exactly what God intended for my soul. Worship. A hand-lifting, tear-flowing worship of the Almighty God. My Redeemer. My faithful Father.

It's no coincidence that so many tears flow during corporate worship. And I don't even go to Pentecostal churches! Those tears? They're evidence that we've been overcome by his grace, by his love, by the sheer magnitude of his sacrifice. And by the faithfulness He's always shown.

If you have loose ends in your life right now and you can't seem to see God's hand in the tethers, be still and know. Worship right through those loose ends.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

Memorize these two verses above and be reminded of this. God doesn't do loose ends.

Take time to worship today. It's your calling.

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

Thankful Thursday

credit

Psalm 30:12
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee,
and not be silent. O Lord my God,
I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

Dear Lord, thank you for these blessings:

~ For a missionary friend and her husband, who've spent 30 years in Brazil and still currently do ministry there. She is a faithful prayer partner and soul friend. What an encouragement to me! They visited us this summer while on furlough. It was a blessing to finally meet them in person. My first contact with them was through Christmas letters after I married in 1999. My husband's family had ties to them. So often her e-mails say just what my heart needs to hear, and it's a pleasure to pray for their ministry there. They've started two churches, do home Bible studies, and she does one-on-one discipling with Brazilian ladies.

~ For the wonderful wisdom penned by Ann Voskamp this week, here and here.

~ For AWANA, a 9-year scripture memorization program providing a structured, solid foundation in the Bible for ages preschool through sixth grade. It started up again last night. Click here to find an AWANA program near you. It's the best mid-week program you'll find for kids, including structured PE games, a Bible lesson, a craft for ages 3 - 8, and a one-on-one time with a trained volunteer to recite verses. There are three levels: Cubbies for ages 3-5 (turning age 3 by Sept. of the starting year), Sparks for grades K - 2, and Truth and Training for grades 3-6.

After graduating your child can build leadership skills by becoming a helper for Cubbies or Sparks. This is a brilliant investment in your child's present and future--one with an eternal perspective. The scaffolding and review that occurs in the program ensures comprehension and mastery of the foundational verses of the Christian faith. Just try it one year and see if it doesn't beat every other activity on your list.

~ For my younger ones, so excited as we drove to AWANA, chanting and cheering with all enthusiasm, A - W- A -N - A, and bolting out of the car as fast as they could upon arrival.

~ For starting the day in the easy chair rocking with two of my children, praying over their hearts.

~  For brilliant green, freshly cut grass

~ For volunteering in the Cubbie room; being the verse teacher for the year.

~ For my Beth, age 3.5, sitting nicely in the Cubbie room, listening to her teacher's every word and delighting in every moment...until she noticed the cute boy on the carpet square next to hers, who happened to be the preacher's kid with speech as garbled as hers. They were all so cute and precious...the time passed way too quickly.

~ For Paul taking over my practice session with Mary this morning, telling her he knows every verse in the first Sparks AWANA book and he would help her any time she wanted. Poor Mary has poison ivy, making her quite miserable, but she was a trooper as Paul had her say over and over: S is for Savior. 1 John 4:14: The Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Then he asked her what we were saved from. When she answered: "From our sins" he gave her a huge, surprised smile, telling her what a good job she did.

~ For cooler weather on the horizon. It's been so humid the past week, you'd think we lived in Florida. I visited Florida a few times and as soon as I left the airplane, I wanted to turn around and get back on. "No, no, this was a mistake!" So you can imagine my joy at the impending cooler weather. Thank you, Lord, for the changing seasons!

~ For my Mary, who as I mentioned has poison ivy, telling me last night right before she fell asleep: "Mommy, no one in AWANA said anything about the poison ivy on my face. Wasn't that nice of them?" Oh, but that spoke volumes. We are not a family of mirrors. The only mirrors are small ones, in the bathrooms and entry way, and three of my children aren't tall enough to use them. The children rarely look at themselves, which could be good or bad, but it touched my heart that Mary was concerned about her face. She heard my husband wondering if it would leave a scar if she scratched it, and she remembered me noticing it and wincing, telling her how sorry I was that she was suffering. Both those things apparently made her self-conscious about it. I have to be so careful about drawing attention to appearances, in even minor ways, especially with girls. I'm most thankful, though, that I was there at her beside. Children often share very important things at bedtime. Lingering with them is always a blessing.

Friends, what are you thankful for today?

Linking with Iris at http://www.eph2810.com