Mothering Daughters: My Perspective at 3 AM

I turned forty-seven this month and still, there's no hint of what's ahead for me as a woman, other than a store-bought hair color.

When I gather the courage.

Did you know the box indicates if you get it in your eye, it can cause blindness? "Do not use to color eyebrows. This can lead to blindness." 

And they let people do this to themselves? What if it trickles near my eye? My husband is not one to help his wife color her hair, and he doesn't paint toenails either.

More about my being 47...

Menopause is defined as going 12 consecutive months with no cycles. I had a close relative finish the entire process by 48.5, but many women won't finish until between 51 - 54. I think my mother was done at 51.

Except for intermittent insomnia (like this week), everything is as usual for me, making it hard to believe I'm this old. I catch my reflection sometimes in a store mirror and the face staring back at me is a shock. The body performs the same for a long time--it's the packaging that goes first and it takes some getting used to.

One positive thing about insomnia is the extra prayer time and the wisdom naturally garnered through our heart-felt petitions before a gracious God.

I've prayed this week specifically about my relationship with my daughters, that it would never fall into that "mother-daughter thing".

That...I'm jealous of you thing...and that...you won't let me be me thing.

As I prayed the Lord gave me a weird summary of who I am as a woman. At the same time he told me I'm raising two unique girls who may or may not be like me in significant ways, and that's to be expected.

Below is a sampling of the everyday me. God sent all these facts flooding by me, in an effort to help me understand the uniqueness of each woman. Each woman is complicated and it takes time to know her.

I rarely wear sweatshirts except while hiking or when sleeping in winter with the furnace set at 60 degrees. Similarly, I rarely wear tennis shoes except for exercising, and right now I don't have an exercise program, but walking and hiking are coming soon, especially now that Beth's arthritis is improved. My muscle tone is the worst it's ever been, since having my fourth child and being busier than ever.

I used to work out a lot...before children.

I'm small-boned, weighing 110-112 for most of my adult years, but right now I'm 114 and hopefully staying there or losing. I don't know what the 50's will look like weight-wise, but I expect to have to exercise or eat like a bird, due to slowed metabolism. Females produce more fat cells in the abdominal area in the later years--the body's effort to produce more estrogen in a body that is making less. Fat = more estrogen production, which is why obese girls begin puberty earlier.

I prefer dresses and skirts but right now my feet can't take heels for very long, possibly because I've worn heels most of my life and my left foot is now deformed and intermittently hurts.

That said--I told you I'm complicated--I wear heels to church and on errands and at indoor gatherings. At home I change into a minimally-heeled comfortable shoe, but I never don slippers after my shower.

In the last year I've been unable to find jean skirts or casual dresses in my size at area thrift stores. Many of my older ones are shabby, having been washed too many times. I'm back to mostly jeans and I like them neat and polished-looking, not frumpy, thank you very much. Not too tight and not too loose. I wear a healed shoe with them and sweaters or long-sleeved fitted tops, sticking to a flatter shoe at home as I said. The look is polished on a budget, which can be pretty nice if you know anything about thrift stores. 

This I've learned over the past 8, low-income years. When God wants me to dress well he puts good pieces in my path at the thrift stores and money in my pocket. When he wants me to look rather shabby but still neat, for some reason, I try to glean what I can from it.

I'm a woman who tries to glean something from every experience. As I age, I look to prayer more and to myself less. As I age, I get how little I know.

Clearly, if I want jean skirts I'll have to locate a seamstress soon, which would be cheaper than a modest Christian clothing site. I wasn't taught to sew, only hem, and I don't own a sewing machine or know of anyone who'd teach me.

And as I hunt for size 6's for my Mary, I can see that modest clothes are less the norm for that age and older.

The ease of clothing my children--my girls anyway--is about to end.

Forgive all these insane tangents. A good writer sticks to the point.

But did I tell you it's 3 AM here and this is my third consecutive night of insomnia?

I shower before ten most mornings and I never skip make-up or let my hair go (but it's low-fuss hair when permed). I'm the type of woman who wouldn't even think of checking my mail without make-up because I don't have the best complexion. I'd gladly forgo it if I'd inherited smooth, healthy skin and good lips.

I'm soft-spoken, introverted, introspective, and shy, but increasingly confident, with evergrowing wisdom to give people room to be themselves, as I've learned to give myself this same room. I'm overly-sensitive and in his graciousness, God gave me a man who doesn't hurt my feelings often; my husband never belittles me.

Tonight we went to a church function: a pizza dinner, egg hunt and egg-coloring extravaganza for the whole family. It was chaotic but fun for the kids, occurring at the AWANA church not our home church. We don't go to that church anymore because the children's program is chaotic and the building has mold problems. Children run the hallways and rooms rather wildly without much supervision...as the adults scurry to get completely ready.

I view the programs as an accident waiting to happen, but put together with love and attention to the gospel, which is why we still attend the AWANA program and I stay (quietly) involved. We love the children's director's heart; she's a blessed gem who just needs to delegate more.

The chaotic nature of the event left me seriously drained and I couldn't wait to leave. Chaos is not my friend and I prefer small or well-organized gatherings, but that's not to say my linen closet is impressive. I don't have a gift for organization, but I have the will to work at it for my own sanity and for my family's good.

I love to read, think, write, but talking is draining after a while. I regroup when alone. Emotionally, I'm fairly independent.

On personality surveys I'm the submissive type, but my husband wouldn't describe me that way. Nor would he describe me as bossy or stubborn. I'm complicated.

He'd probably say...nervous and not easy going, but capable of faking it when she has to. Nice, kind, loving, but intent on getting her way about certain things. Mostly easy to live with, but a little too ambitious.

I am not the main decision maker. I'm too busy keeping the ship running to make many decisions. That said, I totally dislike making money decisions but prefer to make the scheduling decisions. My husband hardly ever lets us take a day off church, except when one of us has to stay home with a sick child ( I'm the sick nurse here). He will lead family devotions but I have to organize them and make them happen, as his own father didn't take this initiative, thinking his only spiritual responsibility was to get the family to church on time.

But don't look for us on time unless I'm working the church nursery. On those days we're miraculously early.
Don't ask me why we can't recreate this earliness the other weeks.

I guess we're complicated.
  
I don't spend much time wishing my husband were the ideal biblical husband. I'm not the perfect biblical woman either...but like my husband, I have a heart to improve. I pray for me to grow in submission and him to grow in initiative. I give thanks that when I get the ball running around here spiritually, he takes it on cue and does his job conscientiously, knowing well the Kingdom impact of his leadership. He gets it.

Sometimes I don't get the ball running and I wait to see what happens, thinking maybe men don't take the initiative because we women are too quick to do it ourselves?

But then nothing will happen...or is it that I don't wait enough days, perhaps, for patterns to change?

That's a complicated topic but Dennis Rainey has probably written a book on it. I'll get back to you on that.

Right now anyway, I'm the organizer for family devotions but husband leads them when he's here.

I'm very capable as the woman of the home, but call before you come over. Just sayin'.

One week a month, I'm not capable. One week a month my hormones render me pitiful. I'm a different person emotionally, depressed and anxious and feeling in solidarity with every hurting person the world over. And somehow, angry too. Only I can't pinpoint why.

Yes, I'm definitely complicated.

All this long-windiness to say, I'm complicated with many twists and surprises, as every woman is.

As I raise my girls, I'm to observe who they are...celebrate who they are, while still shaping them spiritually. On non-character, non-spiritual issues, I'm to give them room. They may marry differently than me, dress differently, relate differently, reason differently, express themselves differently.

They might be needy or independent, head-strong or nervous, carefree or uptight. They might be fat or thin, love food or not. They might love to cook or hate it, or be better at it than me. They might use boxed foods and fatty foods, or bake bread daily and make their own yogurt.

They might love to look polished or prefer comfortable and natural, sweats and all. They might take a shower religiously by ten, or skip a day and put their hair up in a pony-tail.

They might be better looking, have better skin, have a better personality...they might be better in a lot of ways, or just different...but if I know who I am in Christ, I can celebrate my daughters, pointing them to Christ always, never feeling jealous but displaying unconditional love and acceptance.

At my best, as I mother daughters, I'm a loyal cheerleader, always 100% for her team.

I'm to regard them as budding flowers, letting them be the women God created them to be, while praying and trying my best to model what God calls all women to be.

Fostering a healthy relationship with daughters, one that will grow in depth and love, is complicated.

But if we ask the Lord for help he is gracious to order our steps and create best friends for us later on.

Doesn't that sound like a beautiful thing? To be able to say..."My adult daughter is my best friend and besides my husband, there's no one I'd rather be with?"

And for our daughters to feel the same?

"What is a daughter?", asks the Lord in my ear: A precious gift.

"How do you treat her?"  Gingerly, never breaking her, always admiring her unique beauty.

Whole-Family Story Time

Now that my children are ages 4, 6, 9, and 11, a whole-family story time is harder to pull off. Paul, age 9, still sits for most of the picture books I read to his sisters; he's a natural cuddler and he loves to giggle, both of which keep him coming back for more (even though he gets a chapter-book story time with Daddy).

But Peter, age 11, is harder to please. I miss having them all cuddle with Daddy and me on the couch, so lately I've hunted for picture books that promise to delight all ages.

Stella, Unleashed; Notes From the Dog House, by Linda Ashman (2008), is just such a book.

 

Talk about family bonding time! Reading aloud as a family? Always priceless, as is shared laughter.

Is it just me, or do dog books seem to have universal appeal?

synopsis from the publisher: Stella’s got an opinion on everything: the baby (“cannot be trusted near tail”), her humans, the other pets, her sleeping requirements (“But for a truly peaceful rest, be advised: Your bed is best”), undignified doggie sweaters, and the dull dryness of kibble. She even waxes poetic on the exalted status of pups in Paris, who are welcome everywhere…even in restaurants. And thanks to author Linda Ashman, who practically channels the canine mind, Stella expresses it all in a series of humorous verses that will have dog-loving kids laughing out loud. Add Paul Meisel’s fabulous illustrations, which convey every facet of Stella’s winning, wonderful, and wickedly funny personality, and who could resist?

Yes, truly a gem for the whole family. We were all in stitches and we're not even dog people...not that they haven't asked. These poems are brilliant and hilarious.

What are the favorites at your house?

Intentional Parenting in the Wake of Steubenville Tragedy

A must read from Ann Voskamp today:

After Steubenville: 25 Things Our Sons need to know about Manhood

Boys and men, girls and women have lost their way in our sin-soaked culture. To raise up godly men and women who can and will change the world for Christ, we have to be intentional. That means educating and arming ourselves, both with the Holy Spirit through prayer, and with discipleship materials. We can't afford to wing it because among our youth, Satan is winning.

Proverbs 1:8-9 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

We all need to make a commitment before God: That we will make discipleship as important in our daily lives as Jesus did. It's so easy to get distracted and spend time on things we deem either more fun or less stressful than intentional parenting. And it's so easy to think...won't Sunday school teach these things? Or the youth group?

How did Jesus disciple? First, he invested his time, living life with his students. He spent three intensive years with them, day and night, and then he sent the Holy Spirit to continue the Counseling.

Deuteronomy 11:19 You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise

If we sign our children up for this and that program--programs that we as parents are not participants in--as well as send them away to school, how will we have time to disciple them (if the world spends more time with them than we do)?

Add up the minutes you spend discipling on any given day. You might be shocked.

We have to make tough choices...choices the world and our friends and family might not agree with.

Our jobs as parents? To be disciples of Jesus ourselves, and to make disciples of our children.

Deuteronomy 4:9 Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children.

What Steubenville teaches? Satan is winning. A distracted generation of parents are spending more time with Facebook, Twitter and Smart Phones than they are with their children. Distraction is a dangerous problem in our modern world...none of us are immune.

The stakes have never been higher. Not since Sodom and Gomorrah have we seen such blatant, rampant sin.

Intentional. To save our children, we have to be intentional.

Dennis Rainey, a very intentional father, took his teenage sons to a donut shop regulary and went through the book of Proverbs with them over and over. He asserts it was the best thing he'd done for his sons. Proverbs has much to teach our sons and our daughters. We would do well to make this Book a regular fixture at the family table.

What other intentional things can we do? How many family meals do we have per week? How can we maximize them? How many Bible reading sessions do we have per week with our children? How can we maximize those?

How many question and answer sessions do we have with our children? Can we write up quick scripts for family meal time, asking them such as...

..."What would you do if someone showed you a nude photo?"

..."If all the girls are wearing tight jeans or low-cut tops, do you feel you have to as well? Why or why not? What does God say about our bodies?"

..."What would you do if someone told you a rude joke?"

..."Or if someone gossiped about another student?"

What life situations might come up for them, at their ages? How can we direct them to biblical truth in regard to these situations? We can make it a family game and they can write up questions for us as well.

What works for you? What intentional things are done in your home?

 

Multitude Monday: Wrestling With Enough

"I hate my room."

He said that a few weeks ago…and well, it is an ugly room, with its seventies wall paneling and broken blinds and carpet missing under his bed. A humidifier used to treat recurrent bouts of croup years ago left this room with a mildew smell, finally alleviated by pulling up the carpet under the bed.

It was my uncle who painted this house for us before we settled. “You never know what drywall problems lurk behind paneling. Since you have little ones running around and they need to get settled, I recommend we just paint over it for now."

A wise man.

But 10 days ago, for better or worse, we dove in and removed the paneling, wanting the boys to have a room they liked reasonably well.  Not a room fit for a king, mind you--those rooms, I think, give kids a sense of entitlement. We ordered new blinds, sports-themed comforters, and we’re painting it pastel blue to match the lightest color in the comforters.

But, if dirt floors work for our Compassion kids, shouldn't cheesy paneling and broken blinds and missing carpet work for my sons?

Oh, I wrestled with what to do.

Ann Voskamp wrote after visiting Haiti recently:

They’d taken the Bible the Farmer had in his hand to give to the boy who could read — and these 3 boys in Minotiere who have never owned a book, who have never had a Bible of their own, they’d decided amongst themselves in this grand generous gesture — to split the Bible between the three of them, to tear the Bible down its bloody spine so each of them could carry a bit of the God-breathed home under his arm.

They were going to rip up a Bible so they all had a bit of God.

I’d looked into the Farmer’s eyes and shook my head:  all three of those boys had decided that it was better for them all to have less, so they all had something, than for one to have everything and the rest have nothing.

And at home we’ve got a bathroom in the basement, 2 on the main floor and one off our bedroom, a garage, and 20 Bibles on how many shelves, and who is ready to have less so we all have something, or do we all want everything so most get nothing?

We’ve got all of God. Why not share the rest?

Of course, I read this after we started the money-pit home improvement project. Our friend Dean, who is out of work, is doing it for us with husband’s help. We’re paying him and he comes regularly but it’s slow going. Construction is an exact science. Who knew that as you fix one problem, you create another?

The previous owners expanded the closet and must have run out of money or motivation, because instead of making it right after the addition, they just paneled all the problems up.

And now my boys are still sleeping in the living room, after ten days, and we’re itching for normalcy.

We’d likely have to do this before selling the house anyway, if that becomes necessary someday. And maybe this is God’s way of encouraging and providing for Dean, our Christian brother? He loves this kind of work with as much passion as my husband hates it.

We aren't in plenty and we don't normally buy anything new, but when there is a little money, I will always wrestle with the question of plenty, now that Compassion has opened my eyes.

I think that's God's intention, this wrestling? This constantly reevaluating where we're looking for fulfillment? With each thing we itch for, there's always the reality that things do not bring Life. A nicer room is good, but chasing after God? That's the best we can hope for this side of eternity. Everything else is just a mirage.

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.
C. S. Lewis

Giving thanks today:

Dear Lord, thank you for these gifts and graces:

- Peter reading Psalms and Proverbs at the dinner table with expression and passion.

 

- The boys and I loving all our reading this school year. What a reprieve from the mundane, to get sucked into these excellent books to think and dream, smile, cry, and wonder. You know it’s an excellent read when you’re unaware of the clock and everything your housemates say and ask is a bother. To write a story like that…characters you can be passionate about and never want to leave…that’s a rare art and don’t we all need a reprieve from the mundane for an hour or two a day?

- Scripture helping me see straight.

 

- The beauty and wonder of the nuclear family…what a heaven-sent gift.

- Another discipling tool for raising my boys written by Dennis Rainey of Family Life. I’m now reading Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood 

Snopsis from christianbook.com

What's the most courageous thing you've ever done?

It's Dennis Rainey's favorite question for men. Men face decisions in life that demand courage. Big or little, complex or straightforward, these choices-let's call them battles-matter a great deal. One courageous choice leads to another; tomorrow's integrity depends on today's bravery.

Author, speaker, and radio host Dennis Rainey tackles the call to living, breathing manhood head-on, offering a simple yet powerful vision for what it means to be a man who truly conquers, and truly wins. Using personal stories and biblical principles, Rainey identifies five stages of a man's journey through life and examines his responsibilities at each step. He calls men to step up to courageous manhood.

- A husband and friends to do life with.

- Precious children to spend my days with.

 

- A glorious God who has a plan for each of us, if we dare to be quiet and just listen.

 

What are you thankful for today?

 

 

Yours Truly, a Weary Mom

Make me worthy of their kisses, Father?

The springs on the playroom jean couch, they are broken on one side and I came unglued and yelled about disobedience and lack of respect. They've been told over and over not to jump on the couch.

The master bedroom, which for now houses the only decent computer, was put in shambles by two exuberant boys who were following, via the Internet, a local university's basketball game.

I yelled about childishness and lack of respect and made them clean it up. I also banned them from the room for a week, except for when they do their math CD ROM. They've done this act before, too. They've been warned many a time, and again, consequences were handed out.

I'm feeling so low, but not for the reason you'd think. I don't think I'm a horrible mother--I may yell but I don't cuss or verbally abuse. I'm low because I'm exasperated at having to repeat myself. I'm plum exhausted.

1 Corinthians 3:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

We are responsible, my husband and me, through prayer and diligence, for making this scripture come alive in our children's lives. We can't simply yell and then get over it. We have to act and give consequences to force them to leave childhood behind.

For really, a child doesn't want to leave childhood, do they? Childhood is full of the magical and pressures are few. The parent has to nudge and encourage and even push, at appropriate ages.

It's a good work, but it's weary work. And sometimes I'm so weary I yell and stomp, for I see things that simply don't make sense to me. Why make this mess and then just walk out, as though you didn't notice it? Why simply walk out? Did you think I would clean it up for you, and don't you know me well enough by now?

We won't be replacing the couch and whoever sits on the right side will sink down considerably. Eventually, we'll junk it. And maybe that will remind them not to jump on the living room couch and so ruin its springs? It still looks great after nearly eight years, probably because we have a playroom.

It's not about the couch though. There's nothing fancy here and I'm not attached to furniture.

I find this job so very hard, this parenting. It's so hard to stay calm when they do ridiculous things, but at night after I've blown up and they're all asleep, I think about what I accomplished and how it would have sunk in more, had I said it all without shrieking.

When I yell, they're concentrating not on what I'm saying, but on my ugly-looking face and the stress their bodies are feeling at the strife...as I tell them how disappointed I am in their recklessness and selfishness. Most of the things I say are necessary, even if I'm long winded when angry. It's not really what I say, but the theatrics I employ. They're the unfortunate thing.

The days are long and I'm with them alone until 7:00 PM. I'm doing my best.

Seriously, I wish the Holy Spirit would put tape over my mouth. "Be slow to speak and slow to become angry" requires accompanying tape. Lord, may it be so? Will you please put invisible tape over my mouth, so that this scripture is illustrated in my life? I would keep it on until I've walked all around the house and prayed and prayed for the will to say what I have to say, and do what I have to do, without any theatrics.

I think of Jesus' theatrics when his Father's house was being used as a marketplace. He was righteously angry as he turned over tables and gave them a piece of his Holy mind.

Is it okay to employ theatrics when the offense is ridiculous enough, then? And which offenses qualify?

Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger

Is this the scripture for me tonight? Did I do wrong not in being angry, but in letting them fall asleep while I was still angry? It was a ten-minute anger, but then I was quiet and businesslike afterwards, not kissing or hugging anyone.

When I do wrong, I don't get yelled at. Not by my husband nor my Heavenly Father. My husband never, ever yells. Oh, Father, may I be more like You and him.

Search my heart, Oh Lord. Lend me your strength. Carry me through this task of boys to men, girls to ladies. I believe in my children even when they do ridiculous things. I believe in them because of You. I believe You will make them proper, responsible men and ladies. May I convey that well tomorrow, Lord? Will you convey that through me? Will you make me an instrument of your Grace, as I receive it myself and give thanks for it? May I also extend grace, please?

And, Father? Don't forget the tape?

Yours Truly,
a weary mom