Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage

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(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.

Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.

Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:

The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.

Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.

Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”

DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).

For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.

I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

Your Teen and Pornography

Even in the church, it's hard to raise a teen unstained from the world. Our desire is to present our children to the Lord holy and righteous--not lovers of the world--ready and approved for a lifetime of service. When 80% of teens in youth group have an iPhone in his or her pocket, as well as teens at school and in the after-school sports world, it's excruciatingly hard to keep a child unstained. The "world" is all around them.

Today I present some sobering porn statistics, along with a long list of verses to present to tweens and teens before sending them off with their peers.

It seems every week now my son shares something about the youth group environment I don't like. All the comments and observations are excellent material for our devotional sessions, but it makes me sad nonetheless. Just yesterday he saw a group of guys in the youth room all looking at an iPhone screen, making fun of a girl's face. It didn't appear to be an inappropriate picture, but the boys were disrespecting the girl. 

The problem with youth group isn't the Bible lessons the leaders present, which are good. It's the influence of the kids already affected by iPhone and video game distractions, some to the point of addiction. 

And then there's the staggering pornography problem, which in part can be traced to kids having unsupervised access to the Internet (not in the family room with an adult present). Filters are not fool-proof.

I want my children to benefit from the youth group Bible teaching and be a light for Christ to the other teens, rather than emulate them--all in a non-judgmental manner. It's a delicate balance that can only be achieved through a whole lot of parent-lead Bible lessons. 

We need to be proactive, early, without also burdening our children with the weight of the world. It starts with Scripture and a non-worldly home. It starts with a positive relationship with parents wherein teens trust their parents' judgement, and accept their leadership. 

Below are the porn statistics followed by relevant verses about not being stained by the world.

Here are general pornography statistics from a 2015 Covenant Eyes report:

In 2012, Tru Research conducted 2,017 online interviews with teens, ages 13-17, and parents of teens:

71% of teens have done something to hide what they do online from their parents (this includes clearing browser history, minimizing a browser when in view, deleting inappropriate videos, lying about behavior, using a phone instead of a computer, blocking parents with social media privacy settings, using private browsing, disabling parental controls, or having e-mail or social media accounts unknown to parents). 

32% of teens admit to intentionally accessing nude or pornographic content online. Of these, 43% do so on a weekly basis.

Only 12% of parents knew their teens were accessing pornography. 

In 2001, a study by the Kaiser Family Foundation discovered among all online youth ages 15-17: 

70% say they have accidentally stumbled across pornography online. 9% say this happens very often. 14% somewhat often. 47% not too often. 

According to a report commissioned by Congress, in 2004 some 70 million individuals visit pornographic Web sites each week; about 11 million of them are younger than 18. 

Data from a 2004 study of nearly 1000 adolescents in Israel showed: 15% of Internet users said they frequently or very frequently used the Internet to search for pornography. The strongest predictor of using pornography was being male. 

Adolescents who reported using porn were more likely to; (1) attend a secular school vs. a religious school; (2) have a lower commitment to family; (3) have a lower support of pro-social attitudes; and (4) be a heavy Internet user. 

In a 2007 University of Alberta study, 429 students ages 13 and 14 from 17 schools across Alberta, Canada, were surveyed about how often they accessed sexually explicit media content: 

90% of boys and 70% of girls reported accessing sexually explicit media on at least one occasion. 

35% of boys said they had viewed pornographic videos “too many times to count.” 

In 2008, YouGov conducted a survey of 1,424 British youth (14-17 years old): 

58% said they have seen pornography. 

71% of sexually active teenagers have viewed pornography. 

42% of sexually active teenagers view pornography regularly. 

More than a quarter of boys use porn at least once a week (5% of them every day). 

In 2008, more than 560 college student responded to an online survey: 

93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to pornography before 18. 

14% of boys and 9% of girls were exposed to pornography before 13. 

69% of boys and 23% of girls have spent at least 30 consecutive minutes viewing Internet pornography on at least one occasion. 

63% of boys have done so more than once, and 35% of boys have done so on more than 10 occasions. 

83% of boys and 57% of girls have seen group sex online. 

69% of boys and 55% of girls have seen same-sex intercourse online. 

39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen sexual bondage online. 

32% of boys and 18% of girls have seen bestiality online. 

18% of boys and 10% of girls have seen rape or sexual violence online. 

15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography. 

According to an anonymous survey published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in August 2009: 

96% of teens interviewed had Internet access, and 55.4% reported that they had visited a sexually explicit website. 

Adolescents exposed to these sites are more likely to have multiple lifetime sexual partners, more likely to have had more than one sexual partner in the last 3 months, and more likely to have used alcohol or other substances at their last sexual encounter. 

According to a Symantec study, after analyzing 3.5 million online searches done between February 2008 and July 2009, “sex” was the 4th most used term; “porn” was the 6th. 

This reflects searches done by children in households that use Norton Family. 

In 2010, 14-16-year-olds from a north London secondary school were surveyed. They found: 

Nearly a third looked at sexual images online when they were 10 years old or younger. 

81% look at porn online at home. 

75% said their parents had never discussed Internet pornography with them. 

Other sobering stats from here, excerpted below:

Teenagers with frequent exposure to sexual content on TV have a substantially greater likelihood of teenage pregnancy; and the likelihood of teen pregnancy was twice as high when the quantity of sexual content exposure within the viewing episodes was high.

Pornography viewing by teens disorients them during the developmental phase when they have to learn how to handle their sexuality and when they are most vulnerable to uncertainty about their sexual beliefs and moral values.

A significant relationship also exists among teens between frequent pornography use and feelings of loneliness, including major depression.

Adolescents exposed to high levels of pornography have lower levels of sexual self-esteem.

1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Romans 12:2  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

1 John 2:15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

James 4:4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Colossians 2:8  See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.

Matthew 6:24 “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

1 John 3:13 Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you.

Romans 14:1-23  As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ...

1 John 2:16  For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Ephesians 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

John 15:18-21  “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me.

John 12:46  I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.

1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from every form of evil.

2 Corinthians 4:4 In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

1 John 2:17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

2 Peter 3:9  The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

Matthew 7:13 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.

Parenting Your Christian Teen Part 4: The Science of S E X

If you're reading these teen parenting posts and wondering if this is all about helicopter parenting, consider what that term really means. Helicopter parenting is more about pushing your children into life goals or pursuits you deem worthy and acceptable--such as pressuring them into Yale when they really want to go to art school; or pressuring them into a four-year university when they'd rather start with junior college or vocational training. It's about living through your kids in an unconscious effort to boost your own ego and self-worth.

It's also about fighting their battles for them at school and work and not allowing them to fail, and thus instilling a crippling fear of failure. The hovering also denies a child the thrill of discovering their God-given strengths and gifts, and what unique direction God has for them.

For example, when your child turns 16 it's great to encourage them into the teen workforce. Nothing teaches responsibility and work ethic like a job--whether paid or volunteer. But, do you also fill out the application for them for fear they won't write neatly enough? Do you act as their personal alarm clock so they won't ever be late? When they are late, do you call the school or employer and offer excuses--even blaming yourself rather than your child? When your child is in trouble at school, do you call and blame the teacher or another student? Do you do whatever it takes to get them a stellar grade, because a failing or mediocre student doesn't make you look good? Do you discourage their artistic abilities for fear they'll be poor all their lives?

Providing moral training and scaffolding is far different than being your child's personal alarm clock. How many adults look back at their own youth and wish their parents had provided more training, more boundaries, more scaffolding? We can never get those years back, and some people suffer the consequences for decades.

We can be a good moral role model; we can pray; we can love them and provide affection so they're not desperate for it; we can train; we can provide boundaries with consequences, but they still have free will. They have to take the consequences for their poor life decisions, but that doesn't negate our responsibility to be like a Holy Spirit to them in these transitional years. The Holy Spirit is always present, and so should parents be as brain maturity catches up with the passions of youth.

God loves us, he forgives us, he upholds us with his strength, he fills our deep emotional needs, he provides mercy and grace, and he provides a way out of temptation. We are called to gift our children with the same, as their earthly parents. And because we can't fill them as deeply as God can, we direct them to the foot of the Cross, so they'll be filled forevermore.

Don't be apologetic about being an involved, present Christian parent. Let other parents around you do what they will, but stand up for God and what he asks of the Christian parent whenever you have opportunity.

And as much as you're deeply disappointed when your child messes up, let him or her know that you have a capacity for love, mercy, and grace that is beyond whatever mistake they can make. But love, mercy, and grace don't mean permissiveness; make no mistake about that.

God designed the teen so that their bodies give them one signal, but their brains and emotional maturity are not up to par yet. In fact, even up to the mid-twenties their brains are still developing discernment and emotional maturity. While passion comes before the ability to control that passion, God didn't curse us with this design. He meant for parents to be involved. He meant for us to have their moral backs. 

A doctor had this experience: a mother brings in her 14-year-old daughter for an exam after finding out that she's sexually active. The mother assigned the doctor with this task: teach her how to do what she's doing safely. The doctor found out that the girl became sexually active at 12 years old, and had had 14 partners in two years. She felt that as long as the partner was her boyfriend at the time, than it was okay.

She writes about the science of sex and the importance of explaining all of it to teens, excerpted below:

The doctor's words (full article here): For example, when we do anything exciting, a hormone called dopamine is released in our brain that makes us feel like the world is good, that we have been a success. This hormone makes us want to repeat that activity.

Dopamine is necessary for us because it is what gives kids this excitement about leaving home and taking the huge risk of going out and being independent adults, which is a necessary part of growing up. But that hormone also can be negative because if a kid, for example, enjoys speeding at 100 miles an hour down a twisted road, he gets a dopamine kick for that, too. And the dopamine makes him want to repeat it.

When any of us have sexual intercourse, we have a huge outpouring of dopamine into our brains. It is released when a married couple has sex, which makes them want to repeat the sexual act which then allows them to get pregnant and have babies. But for the unmarried kid it makes him want to repeat that sexual act again and again. It is the same hormone that is secreted with addiction to drugs and nicotine.

Emotionally attached

Another thing teens may not understand is that even with one act of intercourse they will be emotionally attached to the person they are having intercourse with, and that these attachments can last a lifetime. During sexual intercourse, in the female brain there are more receptors for oxytocin, and in the male brain there are more receptors for vasopressin. Both hormones cause the person to feel emotionally attached to the other, even with just one act of intercourse.

So those in a relationship not only have the dopamine that rewards them for the repeating of the act, but also the oxytocin and the vasopressin that makes them feel attached. Thus, we have the name of our book Hooked. You become attached, addicted, bonded to each other.

In marriage, that is a good thing because you will stay attached to each other. Children are reproduced and you bond to those children, care for them, and help them grow up and our human race survives. But if you are 14 years old and have had 14 partners, and are still attached in some way to all 14 of them, you create problems.

All of this results in actual physical changes in the brain. When these hormones flow and send their impulses, they dramatically affect connections or synapses between the neurons in the brain. Those synapses actually are strengthened when we repeat a behavior or they are weakened when we stop. So, when you repeatedly attach and unattach with multiple sexual partners you actually weaken the ability to stay connected. Studies have shown that when people have had multiple sexual partners before marriage they are more likely to divorce because they actually weaken the pathways that are necessary to attach at the deep and necessary emotional level important for marriage.

The immature brain

One of the reasons parents are so important during their children’s adolescent years is because the Prefrontal Cortex – the part of the brain where we make rational decisions and where dopamine has its greatest influence – is not fully mature until the mid-twenties. Teenagers are not brain damaged. It’s just that they are not mature, and any parent of a teenager knows exactly what we are talking about. The growth of these synapses is increased before birth and again when they are in pre-puberty. Then, between puberty and the mid-twenties, the hardwiring is molded and “set” in its mature condition.

So, these adolescents need the judgment of parents to help them through those years with decisions about the future and to consider the consequences that they cannot fully see for themselves. Otherwise these mechanisms we have described as so important for marriage become a trap—an ambush of brain molding and a habit of behavior that can hurt them in ways they cannot imagine, not just for a few months but often for a lifetime.

We find that in every bit of this science we have looked at—the neuroscience, diseases, and so forth—that human beings are designed to be with one other person sexually and monogamously for life. The use of the term “design” calls to mind the intelligent design of God, but it is so amazing that even the secular reproductive anthropologists who would disagree with much of what we’ve said here use the word.

Based on the most modern neuroscience, sex is a whole body experience. The brain is the biggest and most important sex organ of the body. All these hormones in the brain and all these synapses that influence our habits and our patterns of living were designed by God so that we can be connected to one person for a lifetime in marriage.

As parents, that is our assignment: to guide our children so they can experience the very best thing that God has for them.


See Part 1 of my teen series here,
Part 2 here
Part 3 here

Further reading:
How do I teach my children about sex so that they will stay pure until they are married?
Passport to Purity Weekend Away Kit Introduction
Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out.

Have you felt pressured by other parents to give your kids more space?

Parenting Your Christian Teen, Part 3

A Look Back at My Own Youth (Class of 1984, and Class of 1989)

I don't remember being boy crazy as a teen. Looking back, time spent with my best friends was more of a highlight for me, especially since I wasn't close to my sister, brother, or to my parents. My best friends and I went out for a lot of girl-talk frozen yogurts, and boys didn't necessary monopolize our conversations.

I can still smell that frozen yogurt shop aroma like it was yesterday.

Life is so very short. Next March I'll be 50 and I can still feel the bench under me and I can still see my friends' faces as we sat there, eating our favorite dessert three to four times a week, from age 16 up to college.

All my friends went to San Diego State and I went to UCSD in La Jolla, CA, about 40 minutes away. There were still yogurt stops after that and we got together for dinners all through college, but never at that same shop near our high school.

The most daring thing we did in high school was participate in Senior Ditch Day, by going to Balboa Park in downtown San Diego. We visited the museums and toured the pretty grounds that day. I can still feel the giddy joy like it was yesterday.

Yes, life is short.

Today we went to the thrift store and Mary picked out a costume-style wedding veil. She put it on and danced around looking beautiful and my tears flowed because yes, the years pass so quickly and in a snap a real veil will be on her head.

While all my friends were very nice and lacked any rebelliousness, I think one steered me away from spiritual things without either of us realizing it. She rejected all religion, thinking it nonsensical, though she went to Catholic Church with her parents as long as they required it.

We were important in each other's weddings and were fairly close until I moved here in 2005 (though less so after I became a Christian at age 31 in 1997). To this day while she remains a good person, she's agnostic or atheist and we exchange Christmas cards and letters, not having anything in common now, other than each having four children.

My Worldview and How it Developed

The whole experience reminds me that even when our children's friends aren't dangerous, in terms of drinking, using drugs, or going to wild parties, they can still negatively influence our children. I adopted some of my friend's views, even if I didn't become another person entirely. The hours we spent together allowed her to influence my worldview more strongly than my own parents, with whom I scarcely spoke about anything serious.

My parents were ignorant of the importance of instilling a worldview, so I adopted one from the world, surmising that the majority view must be the right one. Though it was a whole lot tamer than today's version, my worldview was: Moral Relativism. Go with your conscious. If it feels right to you, it probably is. When I say a lot tamer, keep in mind that I didn't know of anyone having sex in high school. 85% of kids were still kids in the early 1980's.

I didn't receive much attention from boys as a teen, possibly due to shyness and acne I couldn't hide. My first date was the summer before my senior year, at age 17 and a half. I'm not sure what my parents were thinking, but the date was with a 23-year-old college student I'd met while working in a frozen yogurt shop. He wasn't unkind to me or anything, but I regret going to prom with someone who didn't even go to my high school. I broke up with him after my freshman year of college.

Thinking back to my high-school classes, there was one goofy boy I enjoyed sitting behind in Spanish. He was funny and nice. Then there was another nice, more serious boy who sat behind me in Algebra 2 and he did ask me out senior year, but I had to say no because of the college student. I still regret that to this day. That boy would have been a far healthier choice for a nearly 18-year-old girl.

The World is Different Now

Fast forward all these years, and things are drastically different. Girls are taught early from the media, from clothing outlets, from movies and shows that it's cute to be boy crazy. In fact, girls are aggressively pursuing boys, prompting me to buy the book Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys a couple years ago.

I think it behooves every Christian parenting couple to sit down and decide what kind of young lady (or young man) they want to raise (before the teen years), and also decide what boundaries will be put in place and why. Consult your Bible as you do this, and read from sites or books that write from a Christian worldview.

While all the groundwork for your child's growing faith (and for their positive relationship with you) were hopefully laid out in their earlier years, there's still much work to be done to prepare for the pivotal adolescent years. The stakes are very high and we cannot afford to stumble into these years as parents.

Keep a running journal and prayer list as you contemplate these questions. I put in links to helpful articles throughout this list.

1.  What will be done, if anything, to guard your daughter's (or son's) purity? Will your child know she (or he) can come to you if she does mess up, and still be loved and cherished by her parents?

2.  What kind of attire will be tolerated and how will it be enforced?

3. Will there be texts and phone calls from your daughter to teen boys? Or vice versa? Starting at what age?

See Real Women Don't Text Back at Christianity Today. And Real Men Don't Text.

4. Will there be a social media presence? At what age and for what purpose?

5.  Will you know your daughter's or son's friends well? How will it be accomplished and what types of friends will be acceptable?

See How Do I Teach My Kids to Handle Peer Pressure?

6. Will your daughter be allowed on dates, and if so, at what age? Dates alone, or with groups? And who will make an acceptable chaperon?

7. Will Dad interview the dates beforehand?

8. Will you teach sexuality from a biblical perspective, and with what materials, other than the Bible?

9. How will you grow your child's heart for God in the teen years? 

10. How much participation in youth group will there be, and how will the interactions be monitored? Can you make time to get involved?

My boys just went today to help build VBS props at church, along with other youth and the women involved. The youth director talked to the kids about Man Night, which is an all-nighter coming up at church for youth boys. He wanted to show PG-13 movies that have scary content, and so he asked Paul how old he was (11 years old). "Oh, that will be a problem", said the youth director. He said he still might show Gladiator, but not the others he was thinking about, considering my son's and other incoming middle schoolers' ages.

So, apparently, the youth director has much different ideas about movies than we do. We don't do PG-13 or R, and he talked about Gladiators, which I looked up and found to be R. The Christian review said it was very gory. My kids can't do anything remotely scary or there are sleep problems.

Ask me sometime about the Diary of a Wimpy Kid and how the cheese-touch thing in that movie freaked out my girls. Beth needed me in her bed for 3 nights after that. Yes, the cheese touch.

We haven't even been able to see the Narnia films because they are also scary. Everyone has a different tolerance for scary material, and I suppose if you never show them, the tolerance doesn't build up, even for good but scary movies. The age difference between our children also presents a problem. The boys didn't like Wimpy Kid much, but it certainly didn't affect their sleep.

I don't know whether my boys will actually go to Man Night or not, (still praying) but this is an example of how we all have to decide how much influence youth pastors and workers will have on our children. They won't necessarily share our philosophies and values. Discussions may have to follow or precede some events, and some events we might have to pass on.

How do you like your church youth group so far? How are you managing these parenting years?

See Part 1 of this series here,
Part 2 here
Part 4 here

Parenting Your Christian Teen, Part 1

After my teary flashback, I'm preparing myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally for a new, challenging stage of parenting.

The teen years. 

My preparation actually began a while ago, with the Lord teaching me many things along the way. Peter is a half-year away from 14 years old, and Paul is two thirds of the way toward 12. We're in the thick of the hormones, the moods, and the unfinished portraits of manhood.

It's exciting but scary. It's a privilege but also a huge responsibility. Parents of teens need to have core beliefs identified, lined up and solid, and their own personal relationship with the Lord firmly in place and growing.

Yesterday when the church youth director told students that drivers were needed for a youth event and would they please invite their parents, there was a general groan from the teens. This was just one more reminder to Peter that he's different--different being something he's partly struggling with, partly grateful for.

He likes his parents. They are not his enemies, nor are his siblings--a group he's also heard the teens groan about.

He's seeing that in today's world, teens are a separate entity from family. They are their own tribe and this phenomena is certainly more true now then ever before, due to teen involvement in social media, which further isolates them from family. They can be in the same room as their family, but still not be with family.

I explained to him that today's teens spend a lot of hours in school, and in after-school activities, and then on the weekends, in church youth activities or with peers--a schedule that doesn't leave a lot of time for family relationships. Teens begin to see parents as their adversary, rather than their loving, firm foundation.

I told the boys that because they're homeschooled, they have the blessing of more time at home and thus more time to develop close relationships with family. That's why they actually like their parents and siblings. There's true relationship here, not just a shared dwelling. Relationships take hours and hours and they're intentional, not merely a byproduct of shared space.

You can certainly have rich relationships without homeschooling, but carving that time will be more of a battle. I think Kristen from We Are That Family does a good job of fighting for family time in the midst of a public school schedule.

My son Paul responded, "Wow. I hope my wife homeschools my children. You've really raised us well."

We were all at the lunch table together and my husband and I glanced at each other, grateful for this surprising, positive comment from our tween. Parenting kids with anxiety disorders is pretty much a recipe for constant stress, and this little morsel of praise renewed our strength.

The first thing every family needs to grapple with in the teen years is: How important will peers be to your teen? 

What do you think God wants from your teen's relationships with peers? And from your teen's relationship with parents? And with siblings?

As Christian parents we have to remember that we are separate from the world. We are supposed to be set apart, with different beliefs and goals.

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

God's goals for our children's teen years are not about them developing BFF's, social media followings, and engaging in every kind of fun and adventure. Teens have no special mandate from God to "live it up", but they do get this push from the world. 

In contrast, we want to rear holy young people after God's own heart--we want them closer to God then ever before, caring about what God cares about.

How should our children think about peers during the teen years? 

Well, rather than central to their image or their identity, peers should be on the receiving end of God's love, through our teen. 

A teen should ask: How can I reflect God's love to this peer, and build him or her up in Christ?

It's about Him, not about us. This is true for the teen years, as in any stage of life. Don't look to be served, but serve. Don't look to be exalted, but humbled before Him.

And as to the opposite sex? 

I want my teen boys to see girls as Daughters of the King, not as potential dates. 

As parents we have to teach them to manage their attractions by putting them under God's rule, rather than indulging them, as society encourages teens to do. 

You may be attracted to that girl, son, but remember: she belongs to God, not to you or any other teen boy. You can't touch her, possess her, or steal anything from her (i.e. her purity). If you want to have anything to do with her at all in your teen years, let it be to build her up in Christ.

We want our teen boys to know that until they can support a wife, at least with a roof and food, they really have no business getting involved emotionally with one girl. 

Why did God give teen boys such a strong sexual drive? If anything, I think the strong attractions are meant to help boys stay goal-oriented toward being able to support a wife. 

One of the main responsibilities of a Christian parent during the teen years is to provide boundaries that assist young people in giving God control over their sexual/emotional passions. Stay involved. Stay present. Make sure young people are not alone together, and are not talking incessantly on social media, developing emotional bonds that will only lead to frustration and sin. 

The teen years are not for stepping away and giving teens "space". Teen brains are hard-wired for a lot of risky behaviors, and they also have difficulty managing moods, anxiety, and stress. They need more support than ever, not less. They need more parenting than ever, not less.

Secular society will shame you, the parent, for your involvement and your boundaries. They will crucify you, as they've done to the Duggars, who advocate courting, not dating, and who don't allow young people to be alone together. Such practices are freakish, according to our world. Unrealistic, at best.

The difference is often in the amount of time a parent is willing to devote. Yes, this may all sound good to a sane minority of people, but how do you put it in practice?

We give up what we want, same as with all the other stages of parenting. Whether it be a flourishing career, a driving interest, or anything else that exalts us over God, or drives us away from family--we have to put it on the altar. 

A Christian parent's job is to serve God through our children. 

That doesn't mean that raising our children is the only thing we do for God. But it is the major thing. It is our primary responsibility and the reason we were gifted with these precious children, who really belong to Him. We were given the gift of years with them. The gift of watching them grow and discover and learn to love. We are to dedicate them to God, giving them right back to Him for his glory.

Just as the Lord treats us, we are to treat our children. Just as He sacrificed for us, we are to sacrifice for them. When our main job is done we should be able to present them to the Lord, holy and blameless.

Will we mess up? Yes. Will they mess up? Yes. Will God be there to pick up the pieces, ready to use the brokenness for his glory? Yes.

But it is also true that the closer we are to God, the closer they are to God, the less messy it will be.

The fact that we can never do it perfectly doesn't mean we shouldn't do it excellently. 

If we keep our eyes on God and not on our problems and challenges, we will get up that mountain by turning it into a hill.

The minute we look in the mirror, or at our pile of problems, is the minute it seems too hard and we stop trying.

The number one lesson is to look up at Him.

Yesterday was a pretty horrible parenting day for a variety of reasons, but when I went to bed I rested soundly. I looked up at Him and I found my way again.

Part 2 of this series, here. Part 3 here.

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Open Letter to Bristol Palin...And to the Church

Dear Bristol,

I know you said you didn't want lectures or sympathy, but I am going to give you both, anyway, as one of your elders and as a fellow Christian representing Christ and his church, which you have called your own.

I don't write to you or to the Church because I am without sin, or because I have less of it in my life than others. Rather, I am writing as one who has the gift of discernment. God tells us that first, no one gift is better than another, and secondly, we must use the gifts we were given to help build the Church. They aren't to be hidden away because it's too much trouble to bother.

Understand, I am not judging you, Bristol. I'm merely writing to highlight what I see as a problem in the Church--a Church that's failing to make disciples. Internal sin hinders the Church terribly and makes it a mockery.

I want to commend you on several fronts, beforehand.

Firstly, I am glad you have loved your son Tripp so well. I rejoice that you believe every life is precious. I commend you for carrying this new baby, despite the horrific cost to you personally, in light of your public life. I too believe every baby is a blessing.

And Bristol, I'm sincerely sorry you have been disappointed in love and that this pregnancy doesn't come at a happier time in your life. My heart aches for you over that disappointment. Truly, people will disappoint us--whether it's husband, parents, children or friends--they will all disappoint, which is why we have to cling to the Lord harder than to anyone or anything.

You had the best of intentions and I'm sure you'd like credit for those. I heard that some years back you told Oprah you wouldn't engage in any further premarital sex. And as the left loves to remind you, you got paid a high salary to speak on behalf of an abstinence campaign. Yes, this puts you in an embarrassing situation now--one that's inviting the worst of the You Hypocrite! comments regularly lobbied at Christians. I want to address your response to these attacks, and your response to your own sin.

But first, about your paid ventures, such as the abstinence campaign: I clearly see that you and your mother are entrepreneurs and when opportunities come, either by chance or through your savvy smarts, you take them. As a single mom with no education to fall back on, you are right to do what you can to support your child. No one can begrudge you that.

Entrepreneurs have a certain set of strengths and weaknesses, and impulsiveness is unfortunately one of the weaknesses, which has gotten you and your mother into trouble through carelessly tossed comments--comments that, while perhaps true, too often are devoid of grace and gentleness. Your tones exude defiance rather than humility, which is understandable given the viciousness of the personal comments you and your family have received over the years. The minute we name Christ, we're vulnerable to attacks.

God wants us to clothe ourselves in grace and gentleness. Our enemies being vicious toward us does not justify defiance, defensiveness and sarcasm, at the expense of humility and grace. When we fall and speak rashly, we need to apologize for our lack of graciousness. There is something very noble about these two words, sincerely offered: I'm sorry. 

My own carelessly tossed words toward an enemy brought condemnation on me, and the Lord taught me the humility necessary to say I'm sorry, even to one who hates me and didn't deserve my apology. The apology wasn't for my enemy, but for the Lord and his bride, the Church. Sometimes we don't get to be individuals in the Church. We must see ourselves as part of a Body, to whom we have an obligation.

Maybe I'm sorry won't satisfy the left, but it will please the Lord, to whom you owe everything.

Now I'm going to address what most bothers me about your overall attitude. I haven't read your bestselling book about the forgiveness and redemption God blessed you with following your 2008 fall from grace. Maybe it was very contrite and I rejoice if that is true.

But as a fellow member of the Church, I am saddened by your first blog post announcing your new pregnancy, and your following  "Update" post, in which you're pictured making a zero sign with your hand, indicating how much you care about the negativity lobbied at you.

This zero sign smacks of defiance, in the face of a sin God finds grievous. You can't afford this attitude right now and neither can the Church. My whole spirit groaned when I saw it, Bristol.

And here's your initial announcement, which also has its problems, spiritually speaking:

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) This is not gracious, Bristol. You became a public figure by choice when you began taking jobs that put you into the public eye. When you were a teen, you were thrown into the public eye, but in your twenties, you chose it. Be gracious to the public no matter if they deserve it or not. Be humble and consider that you are impulsive sometimes. Have a plan to pray about your words before publishing them. The more famous you are, the more responsibility you have. To whom much is given, much is expected.

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Let's not speak of dignity and grace without considering what it looks like, first. I agree you are capable of this. However, without clothing yourself in humility, dignity and grace will allude you. Acknowledge your sin as many times as you have to when you address the public outcry. Or, give up your public persona and live as a private citizen. God allows notoriety for Christians, and with it comes responsibility. Yes, I said that before, but it needs repeating for any Christian in the public eye.

Recall when the Duggars were thrown into the public eye to a greater extent because of Josh's sin. They didn't respond snarkily, but humbly. They remained humble and gracious throughout.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Your children need your strength and not viewing yourself as a victim is commendable, however, life does not just happen. We make choices and God demands that we take the consequences even while he forgives. Sin is incredibly costly for us personally and for the Church. Thus, you are having trouble keeping your chin up emotionally as you live the consequences. This is to be expected. The cost of your sin will be high for you and your two children forever, even as God gives you the hope to face tomorrow.

I wish you had said something about the cost to your children. We love our children with our prudent choices on their behalf, as much as with our hugs and our time with them. As always, love requires dying to self and this is something your children are going to look for in your history, as they reflect back on their childhoods. Yes, mom gave birth to us despite the public ridicule, but did she also live her life with tender care for our overall well being--for our salvation, above all? Bristol, I have to ask myself these same types of questions as a mother, everyday. Every mother needs to remember: I no longer fly solo in my everyday decisions. God is merciful, but the stakes are high for parents and without putting God first intentionally, who gives us wisdom and insight, we will mess up frequently, and our children will identify our mistakes in their own minds someday, to our shame and regret.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. Or, when life gets tough, there is the option to embrace humility and clothe ourselves in it. I'm not sure God wants you to get tougher, Bristol. I think he wants you to have a contrite spirit and realize that to avoid sin, you have to be intentional. You have to view yourself as incredibly fallen and sinful. Only through this lens do we take terribly seriously the need to walk away from temptation. God always provides a way out of temptation, and we have to locate that way out and keep our eyes on it.

You needed to avoid being alone with your boyfriend/fiance. You needed to have the humility necessary to plan not to be alone with him. Planning not to sin is how we avoid sin, and yes, this is the lecture you didn't want and said you didn't need. Passion is more than human beings can handle unless we put it under God's rule, just as too much money is more than most of us can handle, unless we put it under God's rule. Without a plan, no single or single-again person remains chaste--nor does a wife or husband who allows themselves to be alone with the opposite sex, or allows themselves to share their personal life with the same, resulting in an emotional affair.

Any other stance regarding sin is magical thinking--and magical thinking has weakened the Church. We all exercise way too much of this. You are not alone here, Bristol. Magical thinking is crushing the Church, making her more and more irrelevant.

I see it in my own life as well, Bristol, and your pain has been a reminder that I need to address every last sin in my life with an intentional plan, starting with a note on my computer: Set a timer now. No escapism allowed. For this is what intention looks like, and yes, even with it we will sometimes fall. Thus, the Cross. But the cross is cheapened when we sin on a regular basis, willfully or through lack of an intentional plan. Indeed, without a plan to identify the escape route God provides, maybe we are willfully sinning. This judgement is up to God.

But she was engaged, some people say. I understand this may seem like the time to relax your standards--when the ring is already on the finger. A ring doesn't matter in the least in terms of sin. People change their minds and they fall out of lust/love quickly--and this is especially true when we fall sexually. Disdain for the object of our passion is common after our sin.

If you ever want to be married, Bristol, understand that the minute you say yes to passion before marriage, you will love yourself and your partner less because of it. Nothing kills love like shame and disgust. I'm sorry the shame isn't equally shared by your ex-fiance in society's eyes, but believe me, God is just as displeased with him. His walk before God will not be easy if he doesn't do the right thing.

I want to see your joyful face in the future as a mother and wife, and I just don't think that will happen if you don't receive and take to heart a bit of lecturing. We all need spiritual sharpening and we mustn't begrudge it haughtily.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. While this is nice, it falls short of admitting sin. It falls short of saying: I'm sorry I stained the Church. I'm sorry I didn't take more seriously my high position and consider what good I could have done for the Church. Part of the disdain against you, Bristol, is due to your wording here: This simply isn't a contrite heart asking for forgiveness. It isn't a heart that's been humbled enough to say: I have sinned against God, against the Church, against my fiance, and against my children. I humbly ask for your forgiveness, and I need your prayers so I can do right by God and by the Church, going forward.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful. He'd be far more merciful if you were far more contrite. I urge you to put out a new statement, Bristol. One that points to the terrible consequences of sin. One that shows you truly understand your failings. One that expresses sorrow that you did not live up to the hopes of the organizations who paid you to encourage abstinence. One that shows you understand we are part of one body, the Church, and you let the Church down too, not just your family, friends, and blog followers. I urge you to say the obvious to young people: Do not be alone with your date, for passion is something bigger than you. Tell them to be intentional with this, and that they need to ask someone to hold them accountable. Understanding the need for accountability is part of humility. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Whether you ever get paid again for a public appearance, or book, or not, do the good you can right now. Go low and humble for the glory of God. Use this opportunity not to make a defiant zero with your finger, but to make amends. After you adopt this stance, God will make beauty from ashes. 

And the same is true for the rest of us. Want beauty from ashes? We have to give up what we want for ourselves or our image, and bow low. We're all in the same boat here. All with the same scarlet letter Bristol wears. All defiant and fighting humility like it's our worst enemy, instead of our way Home.

Intentional Parenting in the Wake of Steubenville Tragedy

A must read from Ann Voskamp today:

After Steubenville: 25 Things Our Sons need to know about Manhood

Boys and men, girls and women have lost their way in our sin-soaked culture. To raise up godly men and women who can and will change the world for Christ, we have to be intentional. That means educating and arming ourselves, both with the Holy Spirit through prayer, and with discipleship materials. We can't afford to wing it because among our youth, Satan is winning.

Proverbs 1:8-9 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

We all need to make a commitment before God: That we will make discipleship as important in our daily lives as Jesus did. It's so easy to get distracted and spend time on things we deem either more fun or less stressful than intentional parenting. And it's so easy to think...won't Sunday school teach these things? Or the youth group?

How did Jesus disciple? First, he invested his time, living life with his students. He spent three intensive years with them, day and night, and then he sent the Holy Spirit to continue the Counseling.

Deuteronomy 11:19 You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise

If we sign our children up for this and that program--programs that we as parents are not participants in--as well as send them away to school, how will we have time to disciple them (if the world spends more time with them than we do)?

Add up the minutes you spend discipling on any given day. You might be shocked.

We have to make tough choices...choices the world and our friends and family might not agree with.

Our jobs as parents? To be disciples of Jesus ourselves, and to make disciples of our children.

Deuteronomy 4:9 Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children.

What Steubenville teaches? Satan is winning. A distracted generation of parents are spending more time with Facebook, Twitter and Smart Phones than they are with their children. Distraction is a dangerous problem in our modern world...none of us are immune.

The stakes have never been higher. Not since Sodom and Gomorrah have we seen such blatant, rampant sin.

Intentional. To save our children, we have to be intentional.

Dennis Rainey, a very intentional father, took his teenage sons to a donut shop regulary and went through the book of Proverbs with them over and over. He asserts it was the best thing he'd done for his sons. Proverbs has much to teach our sons and our daughters. We would do well to make this Book a regular fixture at the family table.

What other intentional things can we do? How many family meals do we have per week? How can we maximize them? How many Bible reading sessions do we have per week with our children? How can we maximize those?

How many question and answer sessions do we have with our children? Can we write up quick scripts for family meal time, asking them such as...

..."What would you do if someone showed you a nude photo?"

..."If all the girls are wearing tight jeans or low-cut tops, do you feel you have to as well? Why or why not? What does God say about our bodies?"

..."What would you do if someone told you a rude joke?"

..."Or if someone gossiped about another student?"

What life situations might come up for them, at their ages? How can we direct them to biblical truth in regard to these situations? We can make it a family game and they can write up questions for us as well.

What works for you? What intentional things are done in your home?

 

A Parenting Prayer: The Gift of His Favor

The other day, reading some reviews of Christian purity materials, I came across a mother who wrote:

"I used this material with both my daughters, one of whom reached her marriage bed still pure. The other daughter decided not to wait."

She still recommended the material, but I could feel her wounded heart. I'm sure she was forgiving of her daughter, but it still hurts when they choose the wrong path. We never know if they'll stray, or for how long and with what consequences.

We can have the best intentions and read the best materials, but we're still imperfect parents with great days and awful days and many in-between days. It's like the slightly sighted leading the blind.

How do we find the Light and stay in the light? How do we direct them to the Light and keep them on its straight and narrow path, even while we stray at times ourselves?

I lay awake last night after calming a dreaming child.

In the next bed over lay my sleeping Mary, my stubborn one. Oh, how my heart worries over her! Her kisses melt me, her hugs delight, but her stubborn ways frighten me daily. Will she be the one who decides not to wait? Will she be like the stubborn relative on Daddy's side, practically her twin emotionally? Will she pick and choose what she wants to obey in the Bible, stubbornly having it her way?

A teachable heart is not always discernible in her, though I know the Holy Spirit works in the recesses of her soul. For sometimes, much later, she comes up to apologize. It's so hard for her to admit when she's wrong; the confession part of our prayer time really challenges her.

I lay there, praying for her. Pleading with the Father to keep her in the Light. I prayed for a loving, close relationship with her, so as not to provoke her. My reactions will make or break it for the two of us, as the years pass. The other day I read that: it is our loving relationship with our children that allows our teaching to penetrate their hearts.

And isn't this true of the Father's relationship with us? We follow Him readily because of His everlasting love?

A parent's prayers work like this: We pray for an ideal outcome and the Spirit changes our heart to make that outcome more likely. We think we're praying for change in our child, but really, the change must occur in us.

We help deliver His love and truth. We put hands and feet and heart to Biblical truth, making it real for our children. If I want my daughter to be submissive, sacrificial, gentle, humble...I must be those things first. My heart must be teachable because imperfect though I am, He can work wonders through me.

Every time I lay awake, worrying over a child, the truths swirl and whirl, making me dizzy. And I always come back to this:

Parenting is a prayer.

At the very least, the more we pray, the more grace we receive; I can't prove that but I can feel it. And grace is what we really want, what we really need, isn't it?

Forgive me Father...I am trying, but I can't be like you. Cover me. Cover my children. May we have the gift of your favor.

Parenting Tweens and Teens in a Sin-soaked Culture

He was never much of a snuggler, my Peter. At 9 months old he learned to toddle. My lap and arms were no longer a major attraction; he lived to explore, loving the outdoors most of all.

Years went by, my heart struggling to remember his brief babyhood. He would sit next to me while I read to him, all these years, but snuggling held no interest for him.

Who knew that at age 11 things would change?

My boy now needs to snuggle. This was the last thing I imagined happening, but the Holy Spirit quickly prepared me.

Don't pull away, deeming him too old for parental affection...doing so is dangerous.

I remember hugging the few guys who took me on dates in my twenties. They walked me to my door afterwards and if I thought they were sweet, I hugged them...not because I wanted anything to happen, but because I was starved for affection. Absolutely starved.

Tweens and teens are starved for affection too. They've grown to need it, even if they didn't as youngsters. The problem is that right about this time, parents tend to withdraw physically from their maturing children. It suddenly feels strange to hug them, tall as they are.

11-year-old Peter is only 5 inches shorter than me. Eighteen months from now I fully expect to look up at him.

What then? Do I still snuggle with him, letting him lean against me as I read? Do I walk up and hug him spontaneously?

You bet.

Our children have the fight of their lives, growing up in this sin-soaked culture. Let's not make it harder than it has to be by pulling away, either physically or emotionally.

Aggressive girls, clueless boys, by Dennis Rainey of Family Life?

 

It arrived in the mail today and I'm already on page 35. I'm scared by what lurks out there for my son.

The book begins:

It was just a routine check. When Susan and Tom gave thirteen-year-old Josh his first cell phone, they told him they would occasionally look through his text messages. But Susan was completely unprepared for what she found that Saturday morning.

She waded through a couple hundred short, inane messages, more than slightly confused by the shorthand that kids use when texting. She was struck by the fact that Josh and his friends seemed to text each other more than they actually talked. And then something different popped up. There was no confusion about this message: "If you could have s*x with me, would you?" Aggressive girls, clueless boys, pg. 3

Later in the chapter, Dennis Rainey takes the reader back to Susan's and Tom's situation.

Tom and Susan, the parents in the story at the beginning of this chapter, found themselves dropped in the middle of a minefield. Their son, Josh, had never even been on a date, so they were shocked to find that he had become sexually active. When they met with Josh and told him that they knew what was going on, he tried to deny the extent of his involvement. But the evidence was clear, and he finally admitted what he had done.

Tom and Susan immediately took away Josh's cell phone, shut down his Facebook page, and grounded him from going out with friends for a period of time. They made sure he kept busy with school and sports, so that he wouldn't have idle time. And they moved him out of his downstairs bedroom into a room upstairs with his little brother.

The wounds were still fresh when Susan related the story. "Josh knows this isn't what God wants for him." But the future seems unclear. How do you restore a child to a path of purity after he's already lost his virginity...at age thirteen? They are praying that God will use the experience for good in Josh's life.

"I wish we had known these things were going on," Susan said. "I wish we would have been more prepared."

My heart aches for this couple and I know one thing for sure. I don't want to be in their shoes...ever. 

My four children were a gift to me and I will not let them down. I will not be busy with other things while they make big mistakes. I will not give them a cell phone, or a computer in their room, or any other access to unsupervised Internet. They will meet with their friends in our home, or in the homes of other kindred-spirit Christians with whom we have frequent, trusting contact.

Reading the Bible, having discussions? Buying Family Life's Passport 2 Purity?



They are not enough. We need to parent our tweens and teens as carefully as we parented our into-everything toddlers. There's nothing wrong with firm, safe boundaries. There's nothing wrong with giving up our time, to invest in our children's hearts.

Dear Lord, let me never say these words..."I wish I had known theses things were going on. I wish we had been more prepared."

Prepare us, Lord. Prepare us to shape their hearts and escort them into maturity. May we lead them to the Cross, to Your strength, as they battle against a sin-soaked, distracted culture. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Thankful Thursday: Blessing Others

Newly pregnant with my girls, I experienced pervasive morning sickness for about ten weeks (not much actual vomiting, but a 24-hour-a-day nausea with no appetite). I became more and more depressed and nauseous as my little boys expended their normal energy and I couldn't keep up. Or slow them down. 

The condition is aggravated by stress so the more they ran around, the worse I felt.

Each of my pregnancies affected my husband's work life; he had to modify his hours to help me, both in the beginning, and at the end when the blood pressure problems arrived.

He cried at the ultrasounds and at the births, and when he held our new babies, but every time I announced a new pregnancy, his countenance fell.

Oh, no. Not that stress again.

We didn't have enough support, partially because so many women work nowadays...even older women.

As I reclined on my couch, my stomach teasing me, I pleaded with God to make my boys slow down and watch PBS. We had cable at that time but I don't remember it helping.

I remember vowing to God...If I ever know someone going through this, I will not turn away or be too busy to help. I will be your grace. Your love with skin on.

The pastor of the AWANA church has a pregnant wife and an active, exceptionally adorable 4-year-old boy named Haddon. I've had him in AWANA Cubbies for verse time all this year. I couldn't love him any more than I do...but I'm sure I will. 

If I'd married younger and my husband agreed, I would have had ten children at least. I love a large brood.

Anyhow, what I mean to say is...I offered my help to this couple and they've accepted, though I don't know how often yet. Pastor said last night that he'd give us a couple days notice and not just call on a whim, saying he was bringing Haddon over.

But last night I thought a lot about hospitality. Opening my home to help means it needs to be open anytime (except on physical therapy day). Hospitality isn't letting someone worry about giving 48-hour notice.

I'm trying to get myself on a stricter schedule so I'm ready at any time. Haddon will fit right in with my kids, especially since we all think he's the most wonderful little boy. Everything he says tickles us silly and we find even his stuttering problem very endearing.

God has spoken again to me about organization. Blessing others--being Jesus with skin on--is far easier when we run our own lives efficiently. The more time I take for my interests, like blogging or reading, the less time I can give to others. The more activities I get my children involved with, the same is true--the less time we have to bless others and the less my children grow up valuing service.

The Lord puts together opportunities for my children; I don't have to chase them. The piano just landed in our laps and Paul plays beautifully learning from quality books on his own.

Our friend Dean from California does woodworking, for example, and Peter has developed an interest in building his own birdhouses. No class required! Dean loves to help others and he needs the company and the home-cooked meals, as much as Peter needs the training with tools.

Now back to the Holy Spirit's voice on organization...in order to give God his due time, I have to compartmentalize and prioritize better.

I don't want to offer up just my prayer and Bible reading time, but also time to bless others, especially when it flows naturally from my care of my own children. My four benefit from our Saturday Children's Bible Study too, so I'm not taking away from my own as I bless other children. The same will be true when Haddon spends time with us.

The Lord pours into us vertically so we can use our overflowing hearts to bless others. His love isn't meant to be hidden in our hearts, but to be exposed and expressed outwardly. 

We never help anyone in our own strength. He equips us.

The most important lesson I had to learn--coming from a broken Catholic tradition and finally learning about a personal relationship with Jesus--is that I wasn't supposed to try and be a good girl all on my own, frustrating my heart and spiraling into defeat.

Yes, God asks us to be Holy. But that holiness flows through Him into us...as Grace.

Giving thanks today...

Thank you, Father...

...that Beth's arthritis is finally responding to the methotrexate and her therapy schedule may be reduced soon. Yippee! My girl is running around like a champ!

...that Lexie walked back into our lives yesterday, with hugs all around. Peter's OCD drives him crazy around girls because he now feels, at age 11, a physical attraction. The OCD voice tells him he's sinning because of this attraction, so Lexie had to chase him around the couch to give him a hug. He finally consented because I said it's okay to hug someone you haven't seen in a long while. He's a handsome, kind boy and more than one girl pays attention chases him, much to his despair. See book below, which we plan on reading.

Yes, a big prayer request...that the OCD will go away for good. I'm all for keeping contact to a minimum and pushing courtship rather than dating, but I don't want Peter feeling this awful, distorted OCD angst. Martin Luther, father of the Reformation, felt this same OCD religious distortion and praise God, it saved us from the wrong direction the Church was going. God used Luther's suffering for His glory.

With tween girls entering puberty, what defense does your young son have against their brazen pursuit? Give him the courage and knowledge to protect his purity. Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys, offers seven guided conversations, what-if scenarios, and honest responses to difficult questions that will help your child set boundaries. Also includes questions to ask your daughter. Synopsis from Christian book.com (purchase here)

Lexie's grandfather and her mother still have not reconciled (she's not moving back in with her grandparents), but she will be able to spend some nights with them, even coming to our Saturday Children's Bible Study some of the time.

She quickly made herself at home, helping me whip up chocolate chip cookie bars for the hungry AWANA Cubbies, then thoroughly licking the bowl.

...for a warm husband to hug on winter nights.

...for sweet AWANA Cubbies to delight me on Wednesday nights.

...for blessed hugs from my children.

...for brand-new coats from Goodwill for my girls, tags still on. It's been a nightmare year, keeping these kids in coats. I'll spare you the seam-ripping details.

What are you thankful for today?