Open Letter to Bristol Palin...And to the Church

Dear Bristol,

I know you said you didn't want lectures or sympathy, but I am going to give you both, anyway, as one of your elders and as a fellow Christian representing Christ and his church, which you have called your own.

I don't write to you or to the Church because I am without sin, or because I have less of it in my life than others. Rather, I am writing as one who has the gift of discernment. God tells us that first, no one gift is better than another, and secondly, we must use the gifts we were given to help build the Church. They aren't to be hidden away because it's too much trouble to bother.

Understand, I am not judging you, Bristol. I'm merely writing to highlight what I see as a problem in the Church--a Church that's failing to make disciples. Internal sin hinders the Church terribly and makes it a mockery.

I want to commend you on several fronts, beforehand.

Firstly, I am glad you have loved your son Tripp so well. I rejoice that you believe every life is precious. I commend you for carrying this new baby, despite the horrific cost to you personally, in light of your public life. I too believe every baby is a blessing.

And Bristol, I'm sincerely sorry you have been disappointed in love and that this pregnancy doesn't come at a happier time in your life. My heart aches for you over that disappointment. Truly, people will disappoint us--whether it's husband, parents, children or friends--they will all disappoint, which is why we have to cling to the Lord harder than to anyone or anything.

You had the best of intentions and I'm sure you'd like credit for those. I heard that some years back you told Oprah you wouldn't engage in any further premarital sex. And as the left loves to remind you, you got paid a high salary to speak on behalf of an abstinence campaign. Yes, this puts you in an embarrassing situation now--one that's inviting the worst of the You Hypocrite! comments regularly lobbied at Christians. I want to address your response to these attacks, and your response to your own sin.

But first, about your paid ventures, such as the abstinence campaign: I clearly see that you and your mother are entrepreneurs and when opportunities come, either by chance or through your savvy smarts, you take them. As a single mom with no education to fall back on, you are right to do what you can to support your child. No one can begrudge you that.

Entrepreneurs have a certain set of strengths and weaknesses, and impulsiveness is unfortunately one of the weaknesses, which has gotten you and your mother into trouble through carelessly tossed comments--comments that, while perhaps true, too often are devoid of grace and gentleness. Your tones exude defiance rather than humility, which is understandable given the viciousness of the personal comments you and your family have received over the years. The minute we name Christ, we're vulnerable to attacks.

God wants us to clothe ourselves in grace and gentleness. Our enemies being vicious toward us does not justify defiance, defensiveness and sarcasm, at the expense of humility and grace. When we fall and speak rashly, we need to apologize for our lack of graciousness. There is something very noble about these two words, sincerely offered: I'm sorry. 

My own carelessly tossed words toward an enemy brought condemnation on me, and the Lord taught me the humility necessary to say I'm sorry, even to one who hates me and didn't deserve my apology. The apology wasn't for my enemy, but for the Lord and his bride, the Church. Sometimes we don't get to be individuals in the Church. We must see ourselves as part of a Body, to whom we have an obligation.

Maybe I'm sorry won't satisfy the left, but it will please the Lord, to whom you owe everything.

Now I'm going to address what most bothers me about your overall attitude. I haven't read your bestselling book about the forgiveness and redemption God blessed you with following your 2008 fall from grace. Maybe it was very contrite and I rejoice if that is true.

But as a fellow member of the Church, I am saddened by your first blog post announcing your new pregnancy, and your following  "Update" post, in which you're pictured making a zero sign with your hand, indicating how much you care about the negativity lobbied at you.

This zero sign smacks of defiance, in the face of a sin God finds grievous. You can't afford this attitude right now and neither can the Church. My whole spirit groaned when I saw it, Bristol.

And here's your initial announcement, which also has its problems, spiritually speaking:

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) This is not gracious, Bristol. You became a public figure by choice when you began taking jobs that put you into the public eye. When you were a teen, you were thrown into the public eye, but in your twenties, you chose it. Be gracious to the public no matter if they deserve it or not. Be humble and consider that you are impulsive sometimes. Have a plan to pray about your words before publishing them. The more famous you are, the more responsibility you have. To whom much is given, much is expected.

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Let's not speak of dignity and grace without considering what it looks like, first. I agree you are capable of this. However, without clothing yourself in humility, dignity and grace will allude you. Acknowledge your sin as many times as you have to when you address the public outcry. Or, give up your public persona and live as a private citizen. God allows notoriety for Christians, and with it comes responsibility. Yes, I said that before, but it needs repeating for any Christian in the public eye.

Recall when the Duggars were thrown into the public eye to a greater extent because of Josh's sin. They didn't respond snarkily, but humbly. They remained humble and gracious throughout.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Your children need your strength and not viewing yourself as a victim is commendable, however, life does not just happen. We make choices and God demands that we take the consequences even while he forgives. Sin is incredibly costly for us personally and for the Church. Thus, you are having trouble keeping your chin up emotionally as you live the consequences. This is to be expected. The cost of your sin will be high for you and your two children forever, even as God gives you the hope to face tomorrow.

I wish you had said something about the cost to your children. We love our children with our prudent choices on their behalf, as much as with our hugs and our time with them. As always, love requires dying to self and this is something your children are going to look for in your history, as they reflect back on their childhoods. Yes, mom gave birth to us despite the public ridicule, but did she also live her life with tender care for our overall well being--for our salvation, above all? Bristol, I have to ask myself these same types of questions as a mother, everyday. Every mother needs to remember: I no longer fly solo in my everyday decisions. God is merciful, but the stakes are high for parents and without putting God first intentionally, who gives us wisdom and insight, we will mess up frequently, and our children will identify our mistakes in their own minds someday, to our shame and regret.

When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. Or, when life gets tough, there is the option to embrace humility and clothe ourselves in it. I'm not sure God wants you to get tougher, Bristol. I think he wants you to have a contrite spirit and realize that to avoid sin, you have to be intentional. You have to view yourself as incredibly fallen and sinful. Only through this lens do we take terribly seriously the need to walk away from temptation. God always provides a way out of temptation, and we have to locate that way out and keep our eyes on it.

You needed to avoid being alone with your boyfriend/fiance. You needed to have the humility necessary to plan not to be alone with him. Planning not to sin is how we avoid sin, and yes, this is the lecture you didn't want and said you didn't need. Passion is more than human beings can handle unless we put it under God's rule, just as too much money is more than most of us can handle, unless we put it under God's rule. Without a plan, no single or single-again person remains chaste--nor does a wife or husband who allows themselves to be alone with the opposite sex, or allows themselves to share their personal life with the same, resulting in an emotional affair.

Any other stance regarding sin is magical thinking--and magical thinking has weakened the Church. We all exercise way too much of this. You are not alone here, Bristol. Magical thinking is crushing the Church, making her more and more irrelevant.

I see it in my own life as well, Bristol, and your pain has been a reminder that I need to address every last sin in my life with an intentional plan, starting with a note on my computer: Set a timer now. No escapism allowed. For this is what intention looks like, and yes, even with it we will sometimes fall. Thus, the Cross. But the cross is cheapened when we sin on a regular basis, willfully or through lack of an intentional plan. Indeed, without a plan to identify the escape route God provides, maybe we are willfully sinning. This judgement is up to God.

But she was engaged, some people say. I understand this may seem like the time to relax your standards--when the ring is already on the finger. A ring doesn't matter in the least in terms of sin. People change their minds and they fall out of lust/love quickly--and this is especially true when we fall sexually. Disdain for the object of our passion is common after our sin.

If you ever want to be married, Bristol, understand that the minute you say yes to passion before marriage, you will love yourself and your partner less because of it. Nothing kills love like shame and disgust. I'm sorry the shame isn't equally shared by your ex-fiance in society's eyes, but believe me, God is just as displeased with him. His walk before God will not be easy if he doesn't do the right thing.

I want to see your joyful face in the future as a mother and wife, and I just don't think that will happen if you don't receive and take to heart a bit of lecturing. We all need spiritual sharpening and we mustn't begrudge it haughtily.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. While this is nice, it falls short of admitting sin. It falls short of saying: I'm sorry I stained the Church. I'm sorry I didn't take more seriously my high position and consider what good I could have done for the Church. Part of the disdain against you, Bristol, is due to your wording here: This simply isn't a contrite heart asking for forgiveness. It isn't a heart that's been humbled enough to say: I have sinned against God, against the Church, against my fiance, and against my children. I humbly ask for your forgiveness, and I need your prayers so I can do right by God and by the Church, going forward.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful. He'd be far more merciful if you were far more contrite. I urge you to put out a new statement, Bristol. One that points to the terrible consequences of sin. One that shows you truly understand your failings. One that expresses sorrow that you did not live up to the hopes of the organizations who paid you to encourage abstinence. One that shows you understand we are part of one body, the Church, and you let the Church down too, not just your family, friends, and blog followers. I urge you to say the obvious to young people: Do not be alone with your date, for passion is something bigger than you. Tell them to be intentional with this, and that they need to ask someone to hold them accountable. Understanding the need for accountability is part of humility. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Whether you ever get paid again for a public appearance, or book, or not, do the good you can right now. Go low and humble for the glory of God. Use this opportunity not to make a defiant zero with your finger, but to make amends. After you adopt this stance, God will make beauty from ashes. 

And the same is true for the rest of us. Want beauty from ashes? We have to give up what we want for ourselves or our image, and bow low. We're all in the same boat here. All with the same scarlet letter Bristol wears. All defiant and fighting humility like it's our worst enemy, instead of our way Home.

Come With Me; Cast Worries Away

"I'm so excited, Mommy!" Paul shared the night before. "I can't believe we're going to the Cleveland Zoo!"

We've wanted to go there for ten years, but owning a house and repairing it frequently swallows up these dreams all too often. Saturday was Educator's Day, gifting us with four free tickets.

So, there we were after all these years. The animals were wonderful to observe. We all felt pretty blessed, except that Peter's OCD took away his smile most of the trip, and Mary's anxiety over storms and car breakdowns reared its ugly head as well. Beth's arthritis means she can't walk all over the zoo like a typical six year old. Thirty minutes in and she needed a stroller, over which I received some surprised and nasty glances due to her height and age. To some, she looked pampered and spoiled and lazy in her stroller and I had to consciously ignore the stares. I knew it wasn't fruitful to dwell on them.

The day seemed to represent life in all its messy gloriness. Legitimate heaviness was there, sure, but if I chose to focus on it, I missed the blessings all around...my excited little girls, Mary skipping with joy all over the zoo, Paul making sketches of the animals, and God's glory reflected in every creature.

Life is astoundingly hard. Sometimes the days just seem full of uphill climbs. Sometimes it seems there's nothing to look forward to but more hills the next day. Hope can get lost as our chests and hamstrings burn from the exertion.

I encounter ugliness, but I also find God's grace around every bend, eclipsing the pain. He doesn't make the pain go away, I'm afraid; that isn't his modus operandi most of the time.

Instead, he changes our perception of the pain by passing his glory over it. Our pain remains, but we're distracted from it by his awesome display of glory. Awe struck by his love, we lift our eyes off of ourselves and weep with joy over his presence.

He provides sustenance for us daily, just as I bake and provide the daily bread here. Homemade bread has no preservatives; you can't bake ahead even if you had the time. You bake and eat, bake and eat, bake and eat, as though it's manna in the desert, falling at just the right time.

Is there security in this method?

Well, it depends on whom or what you're depending on for your security. If you're depending on Momma, then no. Sunday morning I don't bake bread. I get six people ready for church. Saturday morning I get distracted by trying to catch the house up and sometimes forget to bake bread.

So, no. Momma's method for delivering bread is only secure five out of seven days...not very good odds, with two breadless days.

God's manna delivery is secure, if we seek first His kingdom. We don't need to awake with anxiety, wondering if our hunger will gnaw away at us all day. We can awake with joy, knowing God will provide.

Abraham put his son Isaac on the alter in Genesis 22 and appeared to be ready to murder him. How strange, I've always thought. What parent goes through with those motions?

Isaac inquired about the source of the burnt offering, saying “Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”

Abraham said, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.”

And Abraham want on preparing to burn his son.

The Offering of Isaac - Genesis 22 (source here)22 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” 2 He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go tothe land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” 3 So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. 4 On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5 Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy[a] will go over there and worship and come again to you.” 6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. 7 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” He said, “Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?” 8 Abraham said, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.” So they went both of them together.
9 When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” 12 He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” 13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son.

Should I give the tithe on Sunday, knowing he'll provide for the broken door next week? Or do I fix the door...or the toilet...or the rusting bottom of the van, whichever the case may be, and then put the leftovers in the offering plate?

If your pattern is to store up your manna, then you'll choose to forgo the plate until your broken things are fixed...if that ever happens. If you look to God daily for your needs, knowing he doles out as needs arise, then you'll confidently have money ready for the plate--and not any less than last week.

The longer I live--the more that goes wrong in my life--the more I see exactly why Paul the Apostle uttered it: To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Nothing matters except the Gospel. Jesus didn't save us so we could enjoy conveniences and perks. He didn't save us so we could have everything working well in our bodies and minds and houses and cars, or to have the time or money for the things we want.

He saved us hoping we'll identify with him in suffering, bringing him glory through our weakness, our ills, our dependence. He saved us to be banners of love, receiving from Him vertically and handing out His spiritual riches horizontally. He saved us to advance the gospel through us.

To live is to walk with Christ, even on the narrow, uphill, barely-there trails. To live is to never wonder if the manna is really coming. To live is to know that His grace is sufficient, his love divine and perfect.

To live is to know that a place is prepared for us in our Father's House, and over the next bend, He's waiting for us.

On the trail to the next bend, we need only focus on the blessings all around--the trees, the singing birds, the toiling insects, the hidden crocuses, the wild daffodils, the smell of the pine, the sound of the needles and leaves under our feet, the blue of the sky. The blessings all around us are his graces, his majesty, his glory, his very presence.

Come with me. Cast all your worries away and get lost in the blessings, excited at knowing we'll be face to face with Christ soon, as faithful servants, not ashamed of the gospel. 

Weekly Homeschool and Life Wrap-Up 4/17

First, the blessings. This week felt like a roller coaster ride. Having to dig deeper this time, I'm going to break one of my own personal rules, which is not to count blessings that are a mere comparison to those who have it worse than me.

Giving Thanks For These Blessings:

~ The Islamic State group is brutally raping young girls and keeping them as slaves. These girls, some of whom have escaped, will have scars and horror for life and my own pain here, mostly associated with a son's neurological problems, will never get that deep. Sometimes, raising a special-needs child to independence feels like an impossible feat, outside of God's miraculous healing, which doesn't seem to be on the horizon. It's hard to live in a nearly constant state of stress, but far harder to live in a constant state of horror. Both kinds of pain remind us that we are just passing through here. Lord Jesus, come for us!

~ We can see leaf buds on our trees, waiting to display their brilliant glory.

~ Daffodils blooming, a sure sign of God's love for us.

~ Hugs and kisses from my six-year-old sweetie.

~ The continued blessing of homemade honey wheat bread.

~ That family devotions can profoundly change our outlook on life and love.

~ An outstanding, thorough teacher for our small group adult Bible study at the new AWANA church.

On my mind:

For a number of reasons I wanted to expand my children's reading by using the Kindle with immersion reading, but when we set it up with The Three Musketeers, I researched the novel and found that it includes rape, murder, plunder, adultery and the most villainous and possibly most intriguing female character in the history of the novel. Milady, is her name, and she's a cold-blooded killer. And the Three Musketeers, with their fourth convert? Pretty terrible people. There are no heroes in this book, it appears, though many consider it the best of the best as an action-adventure page-turner. If you want to be a professional writer, study it for the expert character development, but think twice before giving it to your child. Far more of a guilty pleasure book than an edifying classic.

So, barring any problems with Treasure Island--and so far I've read of none--we're downloading that. They'll listen to a classic for 20 to 30 minutes a day using immersion reading, on top of their regular curriculum, because I can see they need the extra vocabulary development, which Newbery Medal and Honor books just aren't giving them.

We enjoy and study literature out of a love for the arts, sure, but as Christians timeless literary works also helps us see, on a deeper level, the human need for a Savior. It's one thing to know that we personally need a Savior, but it's still another to look all through history and see it over and over again--and literature through the ages drives that home.

So, I persevere in finding the best books for my children and myself, even though it takes up time I don't feel I have.

If you want a better understanding of literature through the ages, this site (Chicago Center for Literature and Photography) includes a series of essays by a man who is committed to reading 100 classic books and giving his take on whether or not they deserve classic status. His essays start with an overview of each book, followed by the pro and con arguments from academics about whether the book is a classic. He ends with his own, often witty opinion each time. I like his essays because as I read them, I gain better understanding of historical and cultural references, for one. His project started in late 2007, and he included books he hadn't already read, so your favorites might be missing, which only means he'd already read them prior to 2007. Part of his goal was to expand his own knowledge as an up-and-coming literary critic. His project is popular among GoodReads enthusiasts, among other literary groups. Here is his project list. The ones with a link are those he's already reviewed:

Pre-Victorianism
~500 BC: The Art of War, Sun Tzu
~360 BC: The Republic, Plato
~170 AD: Meditations, Marcus Aurelius
~1350: The Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey Chaucer
1485: Le Morte d'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory
1722: A Journal of the Plague Year, Daniel Defoe
1726: Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift
1806-32: Faust, Johann Goethe
1818: Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen
1818: Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
1819: Ivanhoe, Sir Walter Scott
1835-40: Democracy in America, Alexis de Tocqueville (two books)

Early Victorianism
1844: The Three Musketeers, Alexandre Dumas
1847: Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
1847: Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
1848: Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
1851: House of the Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
1852: Uncle Tom's Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe
1854: Walden, Henry David Thoreau
1857: Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert
1860: The Mill on the Floss, George Eliot
1861: Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
1862: Les Miserables, Victor Hugo

Late Victorianism
1868: Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
1870: Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, Jules Verne
1871: Alice Through the Lookingglass, Lewis Carroll
1874: Middlemarch, George Eliot
1876: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain
1877: Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
1879: A Doll's House, Henrik Ibsen
1880: Washington Square, Henry James
1880: The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky
1883: Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
1884: Flatland, Edwin Abbott
1886: The Masterpiece, Emile Zola
1895: Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy
1896: The Island of Dr. Moreau, HG Wells
1897: Dracula, Bram Stoker
1898: Candida, George Bernard Shaw

The Interregnum
1900: Sister Carrie, Theodore Dreiser
1901: Buddenbrooks, Thomas Mann
1901: Kim, Rudyard Kipling
1902: Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
1903: The Call of the Wild, Jack London
1903: The Way of All Flesh, Samuel Butler
1906: The Jungle, Upton Sinclair
1908: The Man Who Was Thursday, GK Chesterton
1911: Zuleika Dobson, Max Beerbohm
1914: Tarzan of the Apes, Edgar Rice Burroughs
1916: A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, James Joyce
1918: The Magnificent Ambersons, by Booth Tarkington
1919: Winesburg, Ohio, Sherwood Anderson

Early Modernism
1920: The Age of Innocence, Edith Wharton
1922: The Castle, Franz Kafka
1922: Babbitt, by Sinclair Lewis
1924: A Passage to India, EM Forster
1925: The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
1925: Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf
1928: All Quiet on the Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
1929: A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway
1929: The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner
1932: Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
1934: The Thin Man, Dashiell Hammett
1934: Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller
1934: The Postman Always Rings Twice, James M Cain
1939: The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
1945: Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh

Late Modernism
1947: The Plague, Albert Camus
1951: Catch-22, Joseph Heller
1951: The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
1951: The End of the Affair, Graham Greene
1954: Lord of the Flies, William Golding
1955-74: The Ripley Trilogy, Patricia Highsmith (three small books)
1957: Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak
1957: Pnin, Vladimir Nabokov
1957-60: The Alexandria Quartet, Lawrence Durrell (four small books)
1960: To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
1960: Rabbit, Run, John Updike
1961: Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
1962: The Man in the High Castle, Philip K Dick
1966: The Fixer, Bernard Malamud
1967: The Confessions of Nat Turner, William Styron
1967: One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Postmodernism and Contemporary
1969: The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula K Le Guin
1969: Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut
1972: The Gods Themselves, Isaac Asimov
1975: Humboldt's Gift, Saul Bellow
1980: A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
1980: The Executioner's Song, Norman Mailer
1980: The Name of the Rose, Umberto Eco
1981: Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
1985: The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
1987: Beloved, Toni Morrison
1989: The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love, Oscar Hijuelos
1992-98: The Border Trilogy, Cormac McCarthy (three small books)
1993: The Shipping News, E. Annie Proulx
1998: The Hours, Michael Cunningham
2000: Interpreter of Maladies, Jhumpa Lahiri
2001: Empire Falls, Richard Russo
2002: Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides

OCD News

We had to stop the new OCD med, Zoloft, because of a pretty intense anger side effect, which contributed to the roller coaster that was our week.

The battles belonging to parents with special-needs children are profound, isolating ones. God has to be my refuge, and time again I am reminded that people, even my own husband, can't help me walk in grace and love and peace. Only God can. Constant stress is inevitable, and every child has enough of a sin nature to be tempted to use their disorder as a manipulative device, so you don't always know when they're legitimately suffering, and when they're being stinkers.

Not wanting to end this on a sour note, let me just say that the Lord's grace is palpable here, so no worries. A Psalm is never far from my reach, and when we read them together and pray their hope, we are renewed, always.

Time to scoot to the library and the store, so more school details coming next time.

How was your week?

2014 in Review (in pictures too)

From the first thunderstorm, which heralded in full blown Generalized Anxiety Disorder for Mary, through today, this has been a tough year. I have a month-long wait to learn anything more about my mammogram issue. It's just been one strain after another--distancing from an alcoholic parent and the dysfunctional patterns contained therein, and coming to the realization that sometimes wisdom means stepping away, saying I won't help you continue in your sin, and I won't let your sin continue to scar my psyche. I will love you, but from afar, through my prayers, and through my forgiving. 

The year also brought new disorders, old disorders worsening, dyslexia, a son's concussion, a worsening of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, a health scare, a two-ships-passing-in-the-night, special-needs-parenting marriage (with my 54-working hours husband also caring via phone 4-6 hours a week for his almost 92-year-old father).

I've learned that if another person is not personally struck by or exposed to a condition, they're likely to blame it on me and/or my parenting, so any support must be gathered carefully, such as through other special-needs moms, or I manage with the Lord's help only. Not that I should hide anything, but understand human nature in regards to judgement--and give thanks that as Christians, we grow in grace, not necessarily in goodness. Grace is beautiful. 

Grace is a precursor to holiness in our lives. When we readily offer grace, we're saying we understand our own filthy conditions. It's hard, this humility, but it allows holiness to take up residence. My own pain and need for grace allows me to offer grace generously.

We'd hoped that when the thunderstorms passed for the year, Mary's anxiety would settle down, but now whenever she hears anything on the roof she thinks there's an ice storm that will cave our roof (I have a picture book to blame for that notion). When she hears an airplane she panics that we're being bombed. I haven't a clue where that notion came from. We don't have a TV signal so I read news online, without the kids around. The boys know a few details about the world's war issues, but the girls aren't around when we discuss it.

After AWANA on Sunday she vomited from anxiety because a couple families were sick and absent, so she worried about Ebola, which hasn't been discussed here in weeks. Her anxiety over her various worries will lead to one vomiting episode, after which she doesn't get sick again. The vomiting hasn't happened more than four or five times this year, but it's exhausting and stressful. Once anxiety starts--and I can never predict it--there's no talking her out of it, but she can be distracted by praise songs and special activities, for a time.

My twelve year old disorganized all our pictures on this computer, so as I shuffled through trying to sort the mess (all dates are off a year on the camera), the pictures didn't lie to me--yes, we still had smiles, along with our tears of frustration this year. Grace.

What is the value in tough years? What is my testimony of the year?

Our faith grew; we're learning to abide better. I understand better that my life, my children's lives, must be lived out as a sacrifice to a Holy God. We offer our years on the alter--our hopes, our fears, our idea of success. When we do that well, what we get in return is not disappointment, but joy and hope. 

I'm sorry for Mary because crippling anxiety is ugly and fierce, but if it can serve the Lord, I say yes with an open hand. Not only does this mindset help me display compassion and hope for my daughter's sake, but it models for my children how God wants us to view our infirmities.

So, 2014, I'm not embittered by you. I thank you for the heart stretching. I thank you that we're finishing full of hope and assurance, full of love and abiding. Without you, it just wouldn't be.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

When We Let Go We See God

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength …the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show compassion…Blessed are all those who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:15a and 18

For nearly seven years now I've been at a keyboard typing about the sufficiency of God---His power to fill us and complete us, even heal our brokenness. 

But only this year have I come to terms with my own brokenness. 

For years I said my mother was a "problem drinker", if I said anything at all. Alcoholism was too shameful to admit about one's family--so I never even admitted it to myself. She never drank every day and I guessed that was part of the definition--someone who was perpetually drunk. 

My denial kept me in the dark about my own brokenness--and my whole growing-up nuclear-family dynamic and the brokenness surrounding it. 

If only.

If only.

If only I had known. If only I had known and had gotten counseling as a young single girl just out of the house.

I had so much emptiness and so much hurt and so much crying out for love, and I never knew it wasn't normal. I never knew what normal was and I still don't.

The children's director at our new church--the one who got me to teach the four year olds every other week, which is too much--invited me to the Monday Night Ladies Bible Study. She said we could sit together there and maybe have coffee--reaching out in love maybe because we're both about the same age in a church full of young women, and we both have four children, though her youngest is 13. 

But I don't know how to relate to anyone anymore. My situation is hard to explain and I don't want to let people into it in case they might pity me, and yet I wouldn't feel right listening and being stingy with sharing back either--that isn't true friendship, but more condescending. 

Being gone every Monday night would be a big stretch and would probably just add stress anyway, since the kids' anxiety is worse at night. It's hard to tell people that you don't have any time because your kids have so many mental problems that you're overwhelmed coaching them, and overwhelmed by their doctor's appointments and their learning disabilities and your husband's and son's ADHD and your headaches and brokenness and money troubles.

My husband ran into an old pastor of ours who shared that his twenty-something daughter is living at home temporarily and she's a serious alcoholic. The whole family is trying very hard to keep her away from alcohol until she can get into a treatment center soon, but somehow she keeps finding alcohol. She married young to someone addicted to drugs, and it ended badly, with her addicted to alcohol. He was nearly crying as he told my husband his burden. He said he was always busy with the ministry and wasn't the best dad. He partly blames himself for her situation. 

When husband came home and told me this story, I was devastated for this pastor. It struck an arrow through my heart, this man thinking he was choosing something good but all along, the enemy was attacking his home. It saddened me for quite a while, and I don't want to sadden someone else with my own brand of heaviness, so I feel like I have to keep it all in and avoid getting into new friendships--because who could understand anyway and so many might judge and just say, "Why don't you just go to work and put the kids in school to ease the financial burden?"

We are praying for the pastor and his family and I am glad he shared, don't get me wrong, even though it felt so heavy. We should collectively try to share the sin curse and hold one another up in the Lord.

The bottom line is, relating to people and sustaining intimate relationships, having normal self-esteem, and even having fun, is hard for people from alcoholic families. Normalcy is a mystery. I'm broken and alone and it feels safer and easier to be alone. Staying alone has been my modus operandi for years.

And yet that isn't what God designed for the Body of Christ. I finally get that I'm not living out my faith properly. My safe way is the wrong way.

I read some Ann Voskamp today. A man, Gordon, sat down to lunch with her and asked her how she sees God. She had trouble answering and told him she really doesn't have any answers, just questions, herself.

She thought about his question for days, and an answer came to her out in nature, as she and her daughter picked Chinese lanterns out in a field. She wrote:

I am not thinking of how to see God when I untangle the vines, snapping off a long string of dangling brilliance. I am not thinking of revelation as I peel back the orange sheath to the blazing seed sphere inside. The seed is soft.

It’s when I pick up a vine of browning lanterns and the flaming bead of orange inside a necklace of lanterns rattle. That’s when I think of it. That’s when I think of it only. That’s when I want to stammer out something to Gordon, something about this here.

I kneel down into the grass. The ground is cold. I finger one lantern hanging. It’s this: a delicate skeleton. It’s this: I can see right into the lantern.

It’s in the filigree of fracturing that I can see His flame. That I can see the light.

I remember Guatemala. I remember kids scrapping at the table. I remember, know, all my ugliness.

We see God when we let go. When we let go of the visible, papery skin that surrounds our moments, then we see the sacred jewel gleaming just underneath everything. I want to tell Gordon this.

We see God when we let go. So will I see God redeem my brokenness when I let go of my shame? When, like the broken pastor, I can talk about my burdens whenever they feel heavy--and not just anonymously here? When I stop denying that I'm such a mess and that I need a Redeemer and friend?

Fear stops me. Pride stops me. I want to hide, like Adam and Eve with their fig leaves in the Garden of Eden. Vulnerability is too scary and who can I trust and what if they judge me and their judgement hurts for days and weeks and just adds to my burdens?

Seven years I've written it...that God redeems our brokenness, that he heals and makes us whole. Can he make me the same as an adult who grew up in a home where no addiction existed? Can he give me the ability to have fun, grow a fulfilling friendship, and not be ashamed of my life in all its messiness?

He makes all things new. I must trust that and give him my newly acknowledged brokenness on a platter, served up with humility and hope.

My goal in wanting wholeness is to pass it on to my children. For I fear I'm passing on, without any addiction being present, the brokenness of my upbringing. The alienation, the shame, the extreme seriousness. 

I'm fairly certain my children will leave us knowing the Lord Jesus. Hallelujah. That is enough in itself. That is a triumph over previous generations. But dare I ask even more for them? I want personal wholeness for them as well. The ability to laugh often and well, the ability to trust and experience intimacy without shame, the wisdom to draw boundaries, the courage to take risks---the fullness that allows them to change the world for Christ.

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength …the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show compassion…Blessed are all those who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:15a and 18

Calm Parenting Secrets: Christian and Mainstream

A concussion follow-up appointment yesterday revealed some bad news, most of which we expected, based upon my son's on-going symptoms. He cannot concentrate on anything, either academic or in play, without getting a headache behind his eyes, often accompanied by blurred vision. Even being read to requires a concentration that gives him a headache. He loves to read and be read to, so without that in his life he feels a sense of hopelessness, as do I. His condition requires a nerve-wracking and depressing brain rest. Only complete boredom is available, for even playing Lincoln Logs right now bothers him, as does painting a simple watercolor picture.

The Children's Hospital neurosurgery department revealed that most children have no symptoms two weeks after their concussion accidents, and we're beyond the two weeks. Not all concussion patients lose consciousness, but if that does happen, the concussion tends to be worse. My son did lose consciousness for less than a minute, so his concussion is probably between mild and moderate, but patients with pre-existing health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, can take longer to heal and can suffer from Post-Concussion Syndrome, with some symptoms lasting up to a year or more.

I knew all this from my research, but I was thinking positively, hoping for some miraculous reason they would take off his neck brace and give him an okay to do an hour of school a day, or say something resembling hope.

But no, in addition to all our other appointments, I have to take him back for an MRI to check for a sprained neck (requiring either surgery or extended time in the neck brace), and I have to take him for a two-hour appointment at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic to have him checked for lingering signs of concussion (concussion is labeled Traumatic Brain Injury). If there are no lingering signs, he would probably then be referred for a vision evaluation with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

He no longer confuses time and place and his long- and short-term memory seem completely intact. The day after the concussion he underwent cognitive testing and could not repeat five random numbers. I tested him briefly yesterday and he could repeat up to seven random numbers, so I don't expect them to find lingering signs of concussion, except for the headaches, trouble concentrating, and blurred vision.

I don't have to tell you that I left that appointment yesterday in a sorry state of mind. My son is driving all of us crazy with his boredom, and we all wish we could go back in time and keep him out of that tree. Never have any of us felt so desperate to erase something.

After purchasing The Total Transformation by James Lehman, I became the fortunate receiver of regular and excellent parenting emails delivered as a newsletter to my inbox. I learn something valuable every time I click on them.

Guess what I learned today? A calm parent raises calm children. Yes, the stress around here is all my fault (being facetious), even though my frame of mind is normal under the circumstances. I don't know what we're about to face or how long the discomfort will last. I do know that speech appointments, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appointments, excessive ear-wax appointments, eye appointments, anxiety-disorder therapy appointments, ADHD/OCD medicine follow-up appointments, and your standard dental and winter-illness doctor appointments, fall just short of doing me in as a homeschooling mother.

In case you also deal with that overburdened feeling, I want to go over a couple Christian calmness techniques, as well as some standard psychology techniques for controlling our emotions and reactions.

First, the Christian perspective:

Think Purpose and Plan: God's ways are not our ways. When circumstances like excessive appointments, or a tough diagnosis, or seasons of life overwhelm us, we need to get over ourselves and keep our eyes on God and his plan.

Occasionally I'm blessed with comments from strangers, such as "Your children are so polite and well behaved. What is your secret?" The other day a lady followed me out of a consignment shop and said the above to me, smiled at my children, and then offered me a large bag of clothes her teenage son outgrew. She was as sweet as could be. Paul smiled and joked with her over the "what is your secret" question with "Mommy gives us a lot of milk."

These encounters occur in doctor's offices or thrift stores or grocery stores, but always, they surprise me because my children can drive me nuts in doctor's offices, grocery stores, and thrift stores. These are not calm outings for me--my kids being the creative, overactive types. But somehow, passersby see something that I miss. We are God-followers and that makes us different than about 75% to 80% of America. When God is the center of the family, it shows, even when we're overwhelmed and overburdened.

All our appointments get us out into the world and when Christians are out, they shine. God makes them shine--it has nothing to do with what we've done right, but everything to do with God's power and grace.

So the first Christian technique for remaining calm is to remember that God has a plan. While that plan may make us uncomfortable, it serves a greater purpose and we need to trust in that.

Think Servant of Christ:  Not only do we have to trust in God's plan, but we need to be a willing servant, or instrument in his plan. We live to serve God, not the other way around. He saves us and loves us and sustains us, and much is required of those who call him Father. We have been given salvation instead of endless suffering; in gratitude for that we give up our lives for the Lord. Whoever loses his life will gain it. Our best life comes from serving our Father, not ourselves.

Luke 12:48 ESV But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 17:33 ESV Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

I want to save my life by getting back to routine, starting school, getting a chore and errand chart going, having fewer appointments, etc. I want to restore sanity, but God wants me to learn to smile amidst the unknown and unchartered.

Think Psalms: Need I say more? Psalms sooth and remind and teach, and give us a divine hug.

I also find it helpful to use standard psychological helps, such as:

knowing our triggers
knowing what we can and can't control
distinguishing between fear and facts
digging for the root of anxiety
staying in the present
finding better ways to communicate
practice calming strategies
choosing our battles
using calm language
apologizing
finding support
being forgiving of ourselves

See these two articles for explanations on the above strategies:

Parenting Anxiety? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

Losing Your Temper With Your Child? 8 Steps to Help You Stay in Control

I often turn to Psalm 46 when I feel overwhelmed. It contains so many soothing truths. On your worst days, you can start there:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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