Mature and Complete, Lacking Nothing

This post has a point, but at first glance only whining may come through; bear with me?

I went to bed last night feeling fine and woke up depressed and headachy. While my rebound headache situation subsided in mid-June (thank the Lord, a big answer to long-time prayer), what's emerged since is a clear pattern of menstrual migraine. It's ugly and two weeks ago it left me begging for mercy.

For many women menstrual migraine spans the three days before the start of menses, and continues until about day 3 of menses. But for me, probably because I'm perimenopausal, it lasts about 8-10 days because the hormones are in more of a flux, leading also to anger, anxiety, mental confusion and depression. Most of the time medication doesn't help these headaches, or it only takes the edge off  for a couple hours.

It's amazing how precise hormones are. They're like a well-oiled machine, sometimes leading to joy (a blue line on a pregnancy test) and sometimes leading to pain.

The same day I woke up depressed and anxious, I also got a headache and my varicose veins hurt and swelled, whereas the rest of the month I don't feel them. All traced to the same cause: fluctuating estrogen. The whole syndrome has become like an illness and I have to plan for it the best I can, knowing I won't be at my best. I won't be a very good mother or wife or friend or daughter, during this time.

Is there enough mercy to go around here at home?

It occurred to me today that I've felt great for two weeks. That's what I can look forward to for a while: two good weeks a month. Some women experience this monthly for decades, but for me it remained mild until my mid-forties.

Can I handle perimenopause? Will I break down and ask for hormonal replacement eventually?

I want to scream "No!" , there's got to be enough grace in the Lord's arsenal to get me through this without medical intervention. Hormone replacement therapy was given to my mother for ten full years, leading to a small cancerous breast lump (though no problems since it was excised 9 years ago).

A friend of mine is 55 and had her last menses in February. Prior to that it disappeared for a few to many months at a time. She still doesn't know if it was her last one or not. Menopause is said to occur after 12 consecutive months of no menses.

This same friend suffers hot flashes at night that wake her up, but she said it's all minor compared to what she went through in her forties. She doesn't know how I'm enduring this with young children, and I don't know how she endured it with teen children around, also in hormonal flux.

At any rate, I need to take the advice I gave my son earlier tonight.

We had to take Peter's bike away for two days because in an impulsive moment, he sent his brother's bike, sans a rider, rolling forward, crashing into our fence. The impact appeared forceful and I was shocked at the senselessness of this act...so like an ADHD child. An impulse hits them and they act on it, experiencing remorse and frustration afterwards. They feel stupid and of course as the parent experiences frustration and anger over the acts, which are sometimes dangerous and/or expensive, the child feels worthless and hated and has trouble calming down, even as everyone in the house moves on and wishes the child would as well.

They can't seem to say, "Well, I made a mistake; I'm sorry" and move on. They have to dwell on it for an hour and make everyone thoroughly miserable.

Peter's OCD makes it more challenging. He starts apologizing profusely, going in a downward spiral of hysterics as he wonders if God will forgive him or if he is "under sin". OCD can have a religious distortion component, which, as I wrote before, Martin Luther experienced. The personal suffering Luther endured eventually led to the Protestant Reformation, which was a blessed thing. We are saved by grace, not by works. As this realization settled Luther's heart and mind, he became a warrior for the Lord.

OCD comes with what's called "checking behaviors". When we have an appointment, Peter will ask 20 times if the elevator is going to malfunction, but more often, around the house, he asks me 20 times if I forgive him.

A friend's OCD child has a fear of throwing up; she asks her parents many times a day if she's going to vomit. If they don't answer, or if I don't answer my son, the child becomes increasingly agitated.

These verbal "checking behaviors" are akin to an OCD sufferer needing to go back to the house to check for the 10th time to see if they really shut off the stove burner, or if they really locked the door. Verbal checking behaviors are maddening to everyone around, while the more personal, quiet checking behaviors normally just drive the OCD person crazy.

At any rate, it's all tragic.

Tonight as my son went on and on asking for forgiveness, I reminded him that the Cross already has it covered.

"Peter, asking for forgiveness is good, but asking for help is better."

I explained that one of the reasons God has us suffer, whether from OCD, ADHD, or perimenopause, is because he wants us to humble ourselves and ask for help. He wants us to need Him. Our weaknesses drive us to fellowship with Him; our strengths drive us away from Him, as we focus on how capable we are on our own.

Weaknesses remind us that life here is not so great, but something better is awaiting. They give us a Kingdom mindset and that's what pleases the Lord most...a grateful, generous heart with a Kingdom mindset. 

I want to encourage you tonight. I don't know what your specific trouble or weakness is, but rejoice.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Mature and complete, not lacking anything. That sounds wonderful, doesn't it? My idea of a mature, complete person is one who never hesitates to go to the Lord, begging for help. Clothed in humility, this person doesn't waste time trying to endure or solve a tiresome, hopeless situation on her own.

Pride sends us looking for answers within ourselves or elsewhere, but humility sends us straight to the Lord...the source of all true strength.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

Frustrated tears streaming, my son wanted to know if he would always be impulsive and if so, how would he make it in life? His father has a similar condition and still suffers from impulsivity at times, so the truth is, yes, outside of healing, my son will always fight impulsivity.

But I didn't say that.

I reminded him that the answer lies in his relationship with God. God would strengthen him, sustain him, shower him with grace, and possibly heal him.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The thing we get wrong is that we wait so long to go to the Lord, we suffer needlessly.

This week and next, as my hormones turn my life upside down, I will take my own advice. God may not heal me, but he will soften the blow and sustain me through it. He will also sustain my family.

He's faithful...he's proven that time and again.

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

As we grow up we stop running to Daddy because that's frowned upon in our society. In earthly terms, running to Daddy means we never really left the nest; we're a perpetual adolescent.

Not so with our Heavenly Father: running to Daddy is the best thing we can do. The wisest thing to do, the humblest thing to do.

It's what mature-and-complete, lacking-nothing people do.

I'm sincerely sorry about whatever you're suffering tonight, but I wish for you the same thing I wish for myself and my son: maturity and completeness, lacking nothing.

You're on your way; rejoice with me!

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When Your Child is Your Opposite

I just finished a thirty-minute reading session with my almost-first grader. A tedious session to put it mildly. She has a horrible fear of thunder and northeast Ohio weather hasn't provided a lot of variety in the last month; clouds and thunder rule, with a smidgen of sun here and there.

Thunder sounded throughout our session, making the difficult tortuous.

Mary's attention span just isn't where I'd like it to be and words like see, come, funny, something, which were repeated ad nauseum in the Dick and Jane book, just didn't make it on her radar today. She kept sounding them out over and over, as though her brain hadn't seen them before. And no, she doesn't have dyslexia; I looked at a checklist recently because she keeps confusing u and n and h. She knows all the sounds and can blend them, but she still struggles with a few letter-formation mix-ups.

She lives to be outside catching frogs, toads, cicadas, grasshoppers, and crickets. Nature is her passion, much like her brother Peter. School work she can do without, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong...I believe strongly that young children should be out observing God's glory, not learning to read at age 4 (unless they want to). Mary's been a young scientist for a long time, and now, at 6.5, I have to move her along intellectually. It's clear she won't budge on her own.

I remember a time when, about 18 months ago, she loved to just sit and write the capital letters precisely on the line. And I marveled and observed from afar. But it turned out to be a stage. She never sits down to write anymore (unless I make her), especially since warm weather arrived.

I've patiently backed off at times, waiting for her attention span to grow, but now it's time to really push her. Intellectually, she appears to be lazy, though I understand how rapidly kids can change.

Do you know how hard that is for me, to come to the conclusion that one of my children is intellectually lazy? I don't want that for any of them. I have to keep reminding myself, with the Holy Spirit's help, that I'm not supposed to be raising a clone of myself. Yes, I'm curious and I like to study. Being outside is nice with my family on a hike, enjoying gardens and foliage and God's glory, but I don't live for the outdoors. For one thing, heat and humidity and I don't get along. Fall is my favorite season and I. can't. wait. for. it.

Mary is perhaps my opposite in so many ways. She doesn't care for dresses anymore, except for a couple hours in church. She's often dirty as a result of her outdoor escapades, and I hate to be dirty.

Her sister, Beth, is much more like me. She loves her dollies, her dishes, her stroller and shopping cart; she plays for hours in the playroom, happy as a lark.

These days my girls hardly play together. They've become so different and it saddens me, though as I said, I know how rapidly kids can change.

It's occurred to me sometimes, after I roll my eyes at Mary's dirty nails and wet, muddy clothes, that if I'm not careful, she's going to think I prefer Beth. And maybe, just maybe, she would prefer another type of mother? One who also sports dirty nails and loves to be outside?

For all the mothers out there who understand one child better than another, I want to reassure you: You aren't playing favorites. Your heart isn't betraying you. Don't mistake understanding one child better, to preferring one child more.

Each person is unique, having been placed in the womb by a glorious, imaginative God. Having intellectual curiosity and enjoying study isn't better than loving the outdoors. Liking dresses and being clean isn't better than loving nature and getting dirty. I believe in our mother hearts, we celebrate differences. God is wise and in creating unique individuals, he gave us a beautiful gift in our fellow man. We get that.

But differences can sometimes be scary. We have to work at understanding our children. We have to work at getting involved in their passions. We have to act on what our heart knows: That God created our children unique and beautiful, each one. They're a story to unfold, one page at a time. In their hearts, they only want to be appreciated for who they are. To be appreciated is also to be loved. The challenge is to push aside our prejudices and appreciate every word, every story plot, every fresh page.

My Dearest Mary,

I love you, darling. I love it when you rush in, shouting with glee that you caught a cicada. I love it when you hunt for tiny toads and treat each one as your special friend. I love it that you spend time catching crickets for your pets to eat, faithfully caring for them as though their lives depended on you. 

I love it when you pray before bed, begging God for sunshine. I love it when you wake up and celebrate sunshine when it dares to come, if only for an hour. Your enthusiasm for God's creation is beautiful and valuable;  I hope you hold His gifts dear all the days of your life, and teach your children to appreciate them.

Your mind is bright and active and God has tuned it for science. Keep on exploring, keep on marveling. Keep on rushing in the house, joyfully telling me about your discoveries. I love you my beautiful, darling Mary. I love everything about you, and I thank God for the day he knitted you in my womb. Thank you for letting me snuggle with you, thank you for loving me. Thank you for having patience with a flawed Momma who's desperately trying to get this right.

All the love in my heart and more,

Your grateful Momma

Enoch Walked With God

In my quiet time I've been studying the great men of the Bible and guess what I've discovered? It wasn't the men themselves who were great. It was their relationship with God. They lived for God; they walked with Him.

Genesis 5:22-24  And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. 

This sounds strange, doesn't it? He suddenly ceased to exist? Just like that? "And he was not; for God took him." This means God translated Enoch; he didn't die, and he may be one of the witnesses, along with Elijah, during the end times. 

Elijah, one of the greatest men in the Bible, was just like us. He was subject to like passions (James 5:17 AV). One of Elijah's greatest miracles was the altar fire on Mt. Carmel in 1 Kings 18: 

And at the time of the offering of the oblation, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O Lord, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word. Answer me, O Lord, answer me, that this people may know that you, O Lord, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back.” Then the fire of the Lord fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench.

Jezebel, Ahab's evil wife, was angry that all her false prophets were killed after this Mt. Carmel incident. She reacts wildly and threatens Elijah’s life. Fearful, Elijah runs down to Beersheba in the desert. Leaving his servant, he continues his journey further and finally, under a tree in deep depression, he asks God to let him die. "It is enough! Now, LORD, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!"

How could Elijah experience so little faith, after all the miracles he'd performed in his life? Essentially, he was just like us--subject to our same passions. He was flawed.

But he walked with God, enabling God to do great things through Elijah. 

Elijah, like Enoch, didn't die. This is how God took Elijah:

2 Kings 2:11-12 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind. Elisha saw this and cried out, “My father! My father! The chariots and horsemen of Israel!” And Elisha saw him no more. Then he took hold of his garment and tore it in two.

Enoch and Elijah were obviously very special to God, but why? 

Just this: They walked with him. They lived the truth of these scriptures:

Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 2:1). 

Be filled with the spirit (Ephesians 5:18). 

He may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being (Ephesians 3:16). 

God is able to make all grace abound toward you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8).

And lastly, Noah? He also walked with God. Genesis 6:9 This is the account of Noah and his family. Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God.

These stories aren't new to you or to me, but have you ever thought about these special relationships? This walking with God? Here's the beautiful thing: We can all be like Enoch, Elijah and Noah. We can walk with God. We can make our lives about Him and live in obedience to His will. We can! 

Did you see what Ann Voskamp wrote today?

Breathe in: Lord, I receive what you give.Breathe out: Lord, I give thanks for what you give.
It’s the syllables of sanctuary, a surrender to His sovereignty.

To walk with God means to surrender to His sovereignty and to live by faith in His love. We merely have to k e e p  on  w a l k i n g, giving thanks, staying right there with Him, enabling Him to do great things through us.

When our time is up we probably won't be "translated". But let it be said on our headstone: She walked with God.

Prayer Time: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the examples of Enoch, Elijah, Noah, Daniel, and Paul the Apostle. You've made it clear, God: their greatness was in their relationship with you, not in themselves. Help us to remember how they walked with you, God, so we too, can walk faithfully with you all of our days. We want to live in the strength of your love and grace, and be filled with the Spirit. We want to do big and small miracles in your name, everyday. And we can. Thank you that we can, Lord. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Giving Thanks:

~ For a wonderful Vacation Bible School week.

~ For a house newly clean after 14 days of busy.

~ For little Beth's healed tonsils and adenoids. Deep breath there; she's way too skinny again, but time will heal that.

~ For no arthritis flare resulting from her Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis medication break (20 days off for surgery). Yeah, joints look good!

~ For grace during ADHD flare-ups.

~ For new friendships through children's ministry at church.

~ For Elijah and Enoch and Noah, teaching us we only have to make our lives about Him, instead of about us.

~ For morning glories climbing the fence.

~ For a pumpkin in the garden.

~ For the will to keep going when God asks something new.

What are you thankful for today, my friend?

Triumph in Christ

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Yesterday I wrote about my first day as Vacation Bible School teacher. There were, um...challenges.

We had enough faith to know that without prayer--without God's invention--we were a sinking ship.

So we prayed for wisdom and mercy and changed a few things. God multiplied our loaves and fishes gloriously and the children were excellent listeners! The lesson and activities went famously and love abounded. 

 I drove home far less exhausted, not wallowing in grief over what I witnessed. My heart soared and I gave thanks to the glorious God who never fails me.

Exodus 34:6 The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,

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Loaves and Fishes at Vacation Bible School

It was the first night of Vacation Bible School and at times I wondered...why did I sign up for this?

Vacation Bible School! Come one, come all! A time when the church invites the community in, going door to door with flyers.

And, yes, the community came, in the form of a foster mother, bone tired. She dropped off two little preschool boys, both of them probably drug babies.

The little one ran from the group during sidewalk chalk. Fearing he would run into the street, I gave chase, finally grabbing a corner of his shirt before he reached the parking lot. He fought me on the way back and I wondered why preschool teachers aren't paid $100,000 a year.

College professors? Is their job so hard, compared to the everyday preschool teacher? We get it so wrong, don't we, when it comes to caring for our nation's children--when the preschool teacher resorts to food stamps and the college professor buys tickets to the symphony and orders the steak and lobster?

I looked into the older ones eyes as he tried to wriggle away during closing ceremony. Such a vacancy there, it shocked me.

He kicked, howled, laughed at his own antics and I wondered about his future. Would he be bound in handcuffs and locked away before age 16?

Who does something like that...takes drugs and destroys a babe's mind in the womb, so that containing the child takes experts and institutions? Who destroys the gift of life and then expects someone else to handle the consequences...like foster moms and preschool teachers?

Grieving, I held him the best I could, but I didn't want to come back the next day. We had a group of preschoolers who represented a fallen world's woes: drugs, divorce, custody battles...sin, sin, and more sin.

I showed up there to love and teach, but the children couldn't sit still long enough to receive. If I really believe that nothing is so big love can't eclipse it, where does that leave drug babies?

I felt guilty at closing ceremony, for wishing I didn't have to return the next day. Is that what Jesus did when the humans down under got under his skin? Did he say, "Why did I sign up for this?" Did he tell his Father he didn't want to come back the next day?

If I want to resemble Jesus, I have to invite the woes of the world in. I have to sign up to receive the community, while they are still sinners.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Tonight I teach preschoolers about the loaves and fishes and the 5000, and I feel just like that: I've got way too little to offer. 

Prayer Time: Dear Heavenly Father, we love you. We thank you that you stayed here, Lord. You didn't go Home until your appointed time. You never give up on us and we want to be like you. We want to believe that nothing is so big love can't eclipse it. Take our meager loaves and fishes Lord, take what we have to offer and make it enough. Make amatuer preschool teachers and everyday mothers into enough. Eclipse our brokenness, our imperfections, with your love, with your Cross. Help me speak you, tonight, Lord. Create a miracle today, like you did so long ago, please? 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

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