Dealing With Abusive Parents or Spouses

I wrote a couple weeks ago that I had to cut ties with my mother. As I continue to process the whole experience, I will occasionally write what I hope are helpful tips for those dealing with abusive situations.

1. First, don't let the guilt kill you. You are allowed to feel rotten about your cutting-all-ties decision for one or two days, and then you must let it go. Consider this: You weren't actually the one who decided to cut ties. Your parent (or spouse) made the decision when they continually chose to treat you abusively. Your only decision was to stop enabling their poisonous behavior. Tolerating it is enabling it.

If you begin to feel intense guilt and are constantly second-guessing your decision, you must fight through that. Those feelings are part of codependence; they are unhealthy. Never feel guilty for distancing yourself from abuse. Growing up, I was always afraid that if I told my mother the truth about her poisonous behavior (or her drinking) she'd get so depressed that she'd commit suicide. If you can relate to that, you used to be (or are) codependent. It is not your job to prevent someone from committing suicide. It is not your job to make someone else happy. (This even applies to your children.)

2.  People who have not been emotionally abused, or who are enablers, will hint that your decision is unforgiving and mean-hearted. Don't believe it. Forgiving an emotionally or physically abusive person doesn't stop their abuse. Yes, forgive them, for your own sake. It releases you spiritually and emotionally when you forgive them--just don't mistakenly assume that forgiving means you have to tolerate abuse. You can forgive a person from afar. You can even forgive someone who is already dead. Forgiveness is a spiritual decision and God is our partner in it. Tell God you want to forgive, and then let him work it out in your heart.

3. Family members still stuck in codependence might break off ties with you, or call you and beg you to apologize to the abuser. Don't apologize. Every time we apologize to an abuser, it lets them off the hook for their behavior. Any act that cushions them or somehow prevents them from taking full responsiblity for their behavior, is enabling.  If substance abuse is involved, you can tell the family member not to contact you until they've been sober for 6 months (as an alternative to completely cutting off ties).

4. Your decision and the isolation it causes will be very hard. If you don't know anyone who can understand, pray for support. Several days after I made my decision (and I was in a living hell emotionally), I learned that my 56-year-old friend from church had to cut ties with her abusive mother that same week (even while the mother was in the midst of a cancer diagnosis). My friend didn't know anything about my situation--she just happened to email, asking me for prayer support.  It was divine intervention for me to have someone who understood abuse, and the need to get away from it at all costs.

5. You do not have a cold heart, my friend. You have a healthy heart that desires healthy interaction. Did you hear that? You do not have a cold heart. Love is not about rescuing someone. Rescuing someone is about codependence. Rescuers are not compassionate; they are unhealthy. The Bible asks us to love sacrificially, yes, but that command doesn't refer to codependence. A healthy, biblical love comes from a heart that is full of God's love.  We love because He first loved us.

Conversely, the love of a codependent is a needy, make-me-feel-worthy-by-needing-me love. You don't want someone to need you--unless you have a newborn in your arms and your heart is overflowing with a maternal love. We nurture our children with abandon and joy, but when they can do something themselves, we let them. Letting them begin to take care of themselves, little by little, is part of healthy love. Your worth and usefulness come from God, not from people.

6. Accept that you are not loved by the abuser. Yes, it is painful. Heartwrenching even. But accept it. If the abuser loved you, they wouldn't abuse. They love themselves. Tell God you need love, and let him fill you with it, to overflowing.

Leave a comment if you need prayer. Comments are on delay now--blog owner approval has to come first, before a comment is published. I don't publish comments asking for prayer unless you give me permission.

 

For The Worrier: A Walk Down Sovereignty Lane

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matt. 6:34).

How are you, friend? What's on your mind?

I'm completely overwhelmed with countless details and problems, and this is not of God. Just in case you're feeling similarly, I thought we'd take a walk down Sovereignty Lane.

When the details and problems of life brim over and steal our peace, it could be that we're not in the Word enough. But sometimes we can read our Bibles regularly, and still miss an important piece of Truth.

I believe it's the truth of sovereignty that's missing at these times. We live in God's kingdom, not our own. We exist to fill God's purposes, not our own. We belong to God, not to ourselves.

In light of these truths, does it make sense to feel overwhelmed? Certainly not. It's self-centeredness, not God-centeredness.

I have 5 verses to share about the folly of worry, and even more to share about God's sovereignty. Read, pray, know, and feel them. Bless you, my friend!

Worry Verses

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow . . ." (Matt. 5:33).

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life" (Matt. 6:27)?

 "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17).

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible' (Matthew 19:26).

“'I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?'" (Jeremiah 32:27).

Sovereignty Verses

"Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God" (Psalm 90:2).

"LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory in the heavens" (Psalm 8:1)

"For you, LORD, are the Most High over all the earth; you are exalted far above all gods" (Psalm 97:9).

"Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:5).

"I make known the end from the beginning..." (Isaiah 46:10).

 "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account" (Hebrews 4:13).

"Yours, LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, LORD, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all" (1 Chronicles 29:11-12).

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Homeschool and Mother's Journal Feb 21

In my life this week:

Miss Beth, age 5, had a rheumatology check-up for Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, resulting in no change in her medication. They agree that her knees and left ankle are more swollen than we'd like, but because her range of motion is still good and she doesn't get stiff after periods of inactivity, all is well for now.

A new garbage disposal was installed this week, as well as a clothes dryer and dishwasher, so my life has gotten easier. Praise God. Women of the past couldn't formally homeschool their children because daily life tasks - plucking chickens and doing laundry with a washboard and making butter and cream and mending and ironing - took all day long and probably into the night.

They taught their children plenty that was central to their moral and spiritual make-up. Everyone worked hard. Girls could cook, clean, grow food, quilt, mend and sew. Boys could hunt, mend fences, trap animals, plow land, sow seed, and sell at the market.

I don't know that we're better off now than folks were during the 1800's - there's something to be said for hard labor - but I am grateful for conveniences. Since the dishwasher was installed, I've found more time to do lessons with my first grader, and finally, I don't have to worry about showers and laundry taking all the hot water away at dishwashing time. Handwashing the dishes - something I've done since last April - meant that the germs just weren't getting killed.

And the crazy weather? One day this week we had so much snow that the local schools were out. Two days later we had rain and thunder. Yes, thunder. In Ohio. In February.

In Our Homeschool This Week:

I am just so pleased and blessed that we use Sonlight curriculum. The boys are learning so many facinating things, and I see their enthusiasm and love for learning really growing.

In The History of Medicine, they learned that women died in childbirth in large numbers because the doctors refused to wash their hands before delivery. Women developed infections and fevers and died. In one particular hospital the death rate was 4 out of 5. Washing their hands was undignified, in the doctors' minds. Midwives commonly washed their hands, so women fared much better under their care.



The boys couldn't understand the callousness of the doctors, after a smart new doctor discovered the benefit of handwashing and shared it with his collegues. They hated this guy, especially after he discovered that washing hands with soap and water, and then dipping them in a chlorine solution, saved even more womens' lives. The promising doctor was eventually ousted (other doctors cheered when he left).

William Carey: Obliged to Go, about a famous missionary to India, is another fascinating read. Carey, an Englishman, lived from 1761 to 1834.



Known as the father of modern missions, he was one of four founders of The Baptist Missionary Society, and had a gift for languages and translation. He had a bright, focused mind, and God gifted him in specific ways.

In England at that time - and other places around the world - winning souls was considered God's job, not a believer's job. William had to pen a well-researched book about winning souls - the first of its kind -before receiving any support from churches in his work. Even then, his support revolved around 3 like-minded English men, whom his book profoundly influenced.

While Carey is the star of this book, his wife gave me the most pause as I read.

It was April, 1793, when Carey (32 years old) left England for India, after many setbacks and struggles. He was accompanied by his wife and four sons (one of whom was a newborn), and his sister-in-law, and another family.

Sadly, not long after arriving in India, his wife suffered a setback of horrible depression and had a nervous breakdown from which she never recovered (after losing her 5-year-old son; she previously lost two daughters). Dorothy Carey wasn't equipped emotionally, spiritually, or mentally to be a missionary. She was illiterate when William married her, and intellectually, she was never close to his equal. (His second wife was his intellectual equal, though she was an invalid when he married her, her legs having been maimed in a fire whe she was a child, and her lungs damaged. Charlotte only lived for 14 years after their marriage, but they were happy years for the couple).

William loved his first wife, Dorothy, but he had no idea how to help her. In that era, of course, there were no meds for depression. Dorothy ended up deranged and had fits of rage, frightening her boys and her husband; they confined her to her room, but her husband refused to ever put her in an asylum (which, later, other missionaries advised him to do).

Roughly six or seven years after Carey and his family begin the groundbreaking work in India, new missionaries were sent from England to help. For Carey's family, the most helpful addition was Joshua Marshman, a former school teacher. Joshua and Mrs. Marshman were appalled at the uneducated, undisciplined state of Carey's boys, who had been neglected by their depressed mother and overly busy father. Mrs. Marshman took the boys under her wing and cared for Mrs. Carey in her final few years as well - while at the same time helping her husband, Joshua, in his missionary work.

While God provided for William Carey, I have to wonder what the Lord was thinking in having him marry Dorothy. She didn't want to go to India, or even be a missionary family, for that matter. She was pregnant at the time the call and support came, and couldn't fathom how she would manage a long ocean journey. She was angry William even suggested it, after she'd already lost two daughters (her only daughters out of seven birthed children; only four children survived to adulthood).

Carey left once, bound for India, leaving Dorothy to live with her sister, supported by the church he pastored before being commissioned (though the church was too poor, really, to support Carey's wife and sons).

Quite reluctantly, then, Carey said goodbye and took his oldest son with him, but a series of setbacks in their monetary support brought the father/son pair back home before sailing to Calcutta (immediately following the new baby's birth). Carey and a missionary society founder were able to convince Dorothy to come, but only because her sister agreed to come and help with the children.

The sister fell in love in India and married, and Dorothy felt alone. What a tragedy her life was! All the sorrow over the death of her children, and feeling alone in a foreign land, with a husband fully focused on learning languages, writing Bibles and working for the Lord. As I read, it occured to me that the Lord sacrificed this woman's life for the good of the Gospel. Surely God could have had Carey marry a woman born to be a missionary? For example, Joshua Marshman's wife was as much a missionary as her husband.

William's early beginnings: William Carey was raised in the Church of England (his father had a low, poorly-paid position in the church). Later, William became a "dissenter", which I believe was the word used for evangelical at that time.

Dorothy and William married very young, when William was an apprentice to a cobbler, making little to nothing. He took his bride into an inadequate, damp, cold cottage, and they barely had enough to eat. As a result, they lost their first child, a daughter, to illness when she was 18 months old, which began Dorothy's depressive cycle.

William read a lot and learned he had a gift for languages, though he never had more than an elementary education. The cobbler he worked for decided to support Carey so he could study more - William's cobbler skills being poor, compared to his intellectual and spiritual potential. Soon after, William began pastoring small, poor churches. No matter how much help the Lord brought, the family was always poor (Carey also taught in a local school on the side, briefly, and rather unsuccessfully).

So many questions came to me as I read this book. How young and how poor is too young to marry, in God's eyes? Can a boy of 18 or 20, who can't really support a wife, much less a first baby, marry with God's blessing? Marrying young and poor in the working classes was commonplace at one time, but we strongly discourage it now. Usually children are told to finish college before marrying, and marrying young is (almost) universally discouraged. Are we wrong in this, or was Carey's way wrong? Does God even care what age we marry, or with what resources we enter the covenant? Certainly delaying marriage means more young people engage in sexual sin before their weddings (the vast majority, in fact). Is it best to struggle together in the early years, rather than delaying marriage?

Soon after the death of the first child, in the wake of Dorothy's depression, Carey's mother visited the young couple, while William was still an apprentice. Learning of the appalling conditions her son and daughter-in-law lived in, she went back home (a day's walk away) and solicited donations from neighbors to acquire a better cottage for the young couple.

Why didn't William seek help sooner from someone, so that his daughter could be saved and his wife could be less hungry? His parents didn't have much money either, but they could have gotten him help.

Every hero has his flaws - for isn't Jesus the only true hero? - and as I read, it appeared William's neglect of his family was definitely his major flaw. It wasn't that God didn't provide, but the providing seemed too little and often too late for Dorothy and the children (or was their struggling just part of God's story here?).

William did great things for the faith, and for God, but the Lord never made it easy. From day one William's work was a terrible struggle (outside of his giftedness for it), with more set-backs than I can count. His incredible focus and forward-thinking were more than commendable.

I have to say, the struggling and setbacks were similar for each missionary we've learned about, although William Carey's was the most desperate family situation.

I suspect Dorothy was not an evangelical, and that William was too young in his faith to recognize that, or to care. Women were not involved in their husband's work in that era; their roles were entirely domestic, so I guess William didn't realize the care with which he should choose a wife?

Or was it all to prove that with God, great things can happen, no matter our flaws, shortcomings, or poor decisions? Was it all to show that personal happiness and comfort (Dorothy's and her children's) mean little to God? Or did Dorothy reject God at some point, worsening her condition and ultimate happiness?

William is indeed one of the great heros of the faith, and his extreme hyper-focus on learning languages, translating Scripture, and winning souls, brought about many great beginnings. His missionary society was credited at the end with the saving of 700 souls through their India outreach, and though that may not sound impressive for over forty years of work, having a Bible in their own language would later save many more Indian souls, no doubt. William was also instrumental in outlawing two barbaric human sacrifice practices towards women and children in India.

Convicing people to break caste in India was the major obstacle to winning souls there. The first conversion of a native came years after the work in India began - this delay being the major work-related discouragement for Carey at the time.The caste system is deeply entrenched and oppressive in India (and it still is today).

As you can tell by the lengthy writing here, the William Carey reading fascinated all of us these last couple weeks. You can learn more about Willliam Carey here.

Other school news:

I am loving the Saxon First Grade Math program for my Mary. It's very well organized and engaging, and builds upon itself wonderfully. The only drawback is the cheapness of the paper, which is thin newsprint. It was an expensive package (for me, anyway), but worth it. We had to buy it late in the year, due to lack of funds, but I had other materials to use while waiting.

Notable Library trade books to share (featuring Caldecott Medal Winners this week):

The Glorious Flight by Alice and Martin Provensen


Overview : "This book...recounts the persistence of a Frenchman, Louis Bleriot, to build a flying machine to cross the English Channel.... The text is succinct, caption-like in its directness and brevity....The paintings...add the necessary testure and tone to this marriage. This is vintage Provensen" – School Library Journal

A biography of the man whose fascination with flying machines produced the Bleriot XI, which in 1909 became the first heavier-than-air machine to fly the English Channel.

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They Were Strong And Good by Robert Lawson



Overview: Awarded the Caldecott medal in 1941, They Were Strong and Good is a classic book that follows the path of one family's journey through American history. Robert Lawson introduces us to his forefathers and with them we brave Caribbean storms, travel to the wharf markets of New York, and fight in the civil war. Amidst these adventures Lawson's grandparents meet, marry and raise a family, and later his parents follow the same cycle of life. But this book is more than just a story of one family, it's a social history of our country. It reminds us to be proud of our ancestors -who they were, what they did, and the effect they had on the nation we live in today.

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Dear Brother, by Frank Asch and Vladimir Vagin



Overview: Two brothers discover dusty old letters written by their great-great-grand uncles to one another. Each letter paints a fascinating visual and verbal portrait as the brothers struggle to understand each other's lifestyle, and to realize that they are not so different after all. By the author-illustrator team of Here Comes the Cat!. Full-color illustrations.

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Make Way For Ducklings by Robert McClosky



Overview: The busy Boston streets are too dangerous for eight little ducklings! But with a little help from a friendly policeman Mrs. Mallard and her family arrive safely at their new home. The public garden was no place for ducklings when they were first born, but now they are old enough to brave the raucous crowds and swim with the giant swan boats. Available for the first time in a full-size paperback edition, this Caldecott winning classic continues to delight generations of children.

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Time of Wonder by Robert McCloskey



Overview: The spell of rain, gulls, a foggy morning, the excitement of sailing, the quiet of the night, the sudden terror of a hurricane, and the peace of a Maine island as a family packs up to leave are shown in poetic language and vibrant, evocative pictures.

Follows the activities of two children spending their summer vacation on an island off the coast of Maine.

Children's Favorite Things This Week:

~ Making snow forts

~ Crafting a snowhill in the yard for sledding

~ Going sledding with Daddy last weekend

~ Making homemade pudding (Peter)

~ Making oatmeal chocolate-chip bars (Paul)

~ Having new appliances installed and having a Christian man (by chance) come to install them, who was enchanted by the idea of homeschooling as he observed us shortly for two days.

~ The giant appliance box they've been playing house in.

~ Working with a large, world map puzzle

My Blessing (gratitude) List:

~ Homeschooling with Sonlight history, language arts, and science

~ Added convenience in my housekeeping.

~ Kids who understand the importance of missionary work, and are beginning to comprehend the great personal sacrifice involved, and that God doesn't guarantee our happiness as we dedicate our lives to Him.

~ Library books to delight us

~ Siblings to delight each other

~ Behavior and problem-solving strategies to use with my ADHD/OCD son

~ Some emotional healing and affirming of a difficult choice

~ A good report from the rheumatologist

~ Our Compassion children to love, pray for, and write to

~ A plane ticket booked for my husband to visit his 91-year-old father, finally

~ Comfort Bible verses

Scripture to Share:


Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

After reflecting on William Carey and his family, this verse has been on my mind a lot lately.
How was your week, friend? 

Organized Prayer

Developing a prayer life is so hard. After we come to know the Lord, by whom are we taught to pray? Hopefully by our parents, but that isn't the reality for many of us. More often in churches and in Christian circles, it's just assumed that we all do this, and we all know how.

It's not unusual, though, for even a seasoned Christian to fail in this area. There are starts, stops, excuses, and finally, giving up for a while.

The good news is that the more we pray, the more we want to pray. Whatever your previous prayer history, start now with a concrete goal, but not too lofty the first week, lest you get discouraged. True change comes after we plan for it. So decide on a goal, or start with this one below, and then add days or minutes to it after one successful week.

First Goal: 20 minutes, 3 times this week

Jump in, get started, and pray for God to light a fire in your heart for prayer.

  

The Holy Spirit will speak to you about what to pray, but a simple structure to help you get started is the ACTS acronym.

A = Adoration (start by praising God)

C = Confession of sins

T = Thanking God

S = Supplication (prayer requests)

There will always be urgent prayer requests to cover each day, and in addition to those, here are more supplication ideas, organized by day. You can cover all these in one day, or once a week, depending on how long your prayer time is.

I think mothers of young children have the most difficulty setting aside devotional time every day, but with God's help, it can be done.

Monday - Your Children (Future & Present Issues)

~ their Christian walks

~ their future marriages

~ their physical health

~ their future spouses and in-laws

~ your future grandchildren

~ humility for all

~ strong relationships with you

~ your daily discipleship efforts

~ any heart issues that stand out

~ their schools and teachers and peers, if applicable

 Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work. -- Oswald Chambers

Tuesday - Your Marriage

~ communication skills

~ humility

~ physical health

~ purity

~ selflessness

~ the heart to submit to your husband; your husband's heart to lead

~ biblical view of finances

 There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. -- Brother Lawrence

Wednesday - Your Relatives

~ salvation and/or disciplined Christian walk

~ physical health

~ relationships

~ biblical view of finances

We hear it said that a man will suffer in his life if he does not pray; I question it. What will suffer is the life of the Son of God within him, which is nourished not by food but by prayer...Prayer is the way the life of God is nourished. -- Oswald Chambers

Thursday - Neighborhood & Workplace & Country

~ salvation

~ relationships

~ physical health

~ evangelical opportunities

~ for political leaders to know and follow God

~ for whole-country revival; for hearts to be convicted about abortion

~ that Christians will vote

Friday - Church & Missionaries & Personal Ministries

~ salvation of fellow churchgoers

~ church children & teens & singles

~ pastor & his family

~ disciplined Christian walk for congregation

~ evangelical opportunities

~ strength & courage

~ biblical view of finances

~ ministry health & effectiveness

 "I would rather train twenty men to pray, than a thousand to preach; A minister's highest mission ought to be to teach his people to pray." -- MacGregor

Saturday - The struggling; the least of God's people

~ global orphan crisis (and how can I personally help)

~ widows

~ end to human trafficking (and how can I personally help)

~ end to governmental corruption in 3rd world

~ that more Christians will sponsor and write to 3rd world children through Christian sponsorship organizations

~ for the end of abject poverty in the world (Much progress has been made in this in the last 50 years. There will always be poverty, but not necessary abject poverty.)

When a Christian shuns fellowship with other Christians, the devil smiles. When he stops studying the Bible, the devil laughs. When he stops praying, the devil shouts for joy. -- Corrie Ten Boom

Sunday - Your Friendships and Your Own Christian Walk

~ salvation and good health for friends & their families

~ disciplined Christian walks for friends

~ deal with any unconfessed personal sin

~ your prayer life

~ your Bible reading discipline

~ your own health issues

Bless you in this endeavor, and let me know how it goes this week?

Sharing with Works For Me Wednesday at We Are That Family



Reworked post from 2013.

My Blessing List

There are links and products in this post, but they aren't affiliate. This is a personal, non-business blog.

Emotionally right now, I'm about as disabled as I was thirteen years ago, after losing a baby. Sleep is elusive, aggravating everything. Everyday tasks feel overwhelming at times, and all of life's problems seem insurmountable. Intellectually, I know it 'aint so, but convincing my heart or mind of that is difficult.

The grace of God has keep this from affecting my children very much, but I see that no matter what the reason, a broken heart is a tragedy to walk through. There are no short cuts.

I thought that disengaging myself from an extended-family dysfunction would help reduce stress, but it turns out that disengaging oneself from the only family ever known, leads to a terrible sense of isolation. I didn't make a mistake; I just made a very costly decision. Morally and intellectually, it was the right thing, but with dysfunction there are no winners. Everyone hurts, just for different reasons.

Such events in our lives help us understand more fully that we live for eternity. There is pain here and our task is not to run away from pain, or even prevent it from happening (outside of following God's precepts so things go as well as possible for us).

Rather, our task is to make sure that every day of our lives resembles a gratitude toward Christ - that we live for Him and His purposes, not for our own. To live is Christ, to die is gain. Making His will our own is our daily task, which is why we must cling to His Word and commune with The Comforter in prayer.

Tuesday is list day and since that may be all I'm capable of, I'm participating today.

A few of my blessings:

1. The books I previously wrote about are helping my family a great deal. I purchased four of them, and I already see the problem-solving steps being implemented by my boys, especially.











2. I also purchased The Total Transformation program, which you may have heard about on the radio. It promises to end obnoxious behavior in your problem children - back-talking, arguing, abuse, disrespect. Designed for children who have poor problem-solving skills, it addresses the behavior difficulties children with ADHD or ADD or autism would have, or problems exhibited by children who have been in orphanages, or abusive situations, or multiple foster homes.

In some cases children are so wounded, they develop faulty thinking that inhibits their ability to take responsibility for their behavior. The program helps these kids identify their faulty thinking patterns, and begin to take responsibility for their actions, though it is written to the parent, not to the child. The parent learns, and then teaches the child.

In cases of AD/HD  or autism - often accompanied by learning disabilities - it helps the parent deliver systematic instruction these kids can understand, while at the same time addressing the kids' faulty thinking patterns.

Additionally, it helps parents identify their ineffective parenting styles, correct them, and effectively help their children. I have always been an assertive parent, but the stress caused by my son's disorders makes it easy for me to sink into ineffective patterns.

Problem behavior is a cover for these kids' poor problem-solving skills, and if the underlying issues are not addressed, behavior becomes more dangerous over time, especially for kids entering adolescence.

The program cost me $19 up front (called shipping and processing costs). Then, once a month for three months, $100 will be charged to me, but that $300 is all refunded if I answer every question in a survey that comes with the program (within 180 days of purchase). It comes with a stamped receipt and two employee signatures, so the date of purchase is well documented. I will send back the survey far sooner than 180 days, so I expect not to pay the whole $300.

The survey is extensive, but not too extensive. It is fair, and truly designed to help the therapists improve and develop new products.

The two married therapists who developed it - James and Janet Lehman - appear in two DVD's that come with it, and there are also 7 or 8 audio teaching CD's, in which James explains the principles in a conversational style. A workbook also explains everything involved.

James was a former problem child who ended up in and out of prison for 7 years. After he was ordered to take an accountability workshop, his life turned around, and he went to college to become a therapist, which he did successfully for 30 years before producing this program. As far as I know, he is still a private-practice therapist.

3. Audio books continue to be a blessing here. When the kids ask for a library DVD, I am putting in audio books instead, which help keep the sanity around here as I prepare dinner (husband is gone 7AM to 7PM). Often I have Peter's help, other times he helps make the surroundings pretty stressful and hyper, so a DVD or audio book help me think clearly and measure accurately as I cook. I feel guilt for the DVD's, even though we choose them carefully, but the audio books come with no guilt at all, and they keep the children calm and engaged - either drawing, coloring, playing trains or Legos or blocks, or just listening.

4. God's Word is a blessing to me always, but especially in times of trouble. We ( and I) are also listening to more audio Bible. Reading 1 and 2 Kings during morning devotions exhausted me because of the difficult names of the kings. The names are so similar, I was getting confused and the pronunciation effort robbed me of some comprehension. Now, lately, we gather in the family room (playroom) with the desktop computer, open our Bibles, and read along as the audio runs. Then I read the commentary aloud, we discuss it, and finally, we end in round-robin prayer and dedicate the day and our work to the Lord.

What is blessing you, my friend?