Parenting As Prayer, Not Talent

Some pictures from times gone by. How they pull at the heartstrings! They're so little!

Being a parent affords me many lessons on life and love and grace. My two boys are so different, it's amazing. Parenting them is like a daily Bible lesson.

Paul knew all his letters, sounds, and the numbers past 20 before he could utter a sentence (before age 2). Mesmerized by the parts that make up language and the building blocks of math, he's a parts-to-whole thinker. He's also very bright and he knows it. He loves God and he's thankful for his intelligence, but as with many gifted people, he struggles with pride over it.

Oh, but his pride makes me cringe as a mother. Learning is so easy for him and it's hard for him to put himself in the shoes of others who struggle or learn at slower paces. I pray for him and remind him that everything he can do, he owes to God, not himself. He gets that, but understanding it is not the same as thinking or living humbly. Being thankful doesn't necessarily put us in a humble spot, I'm finding, though it's a necessary first step.

Peter is also bright, but there are some central processing deficits that slow down his math computation (dyscalculia--lining up all the numbers correctly for long division and six-digit multiplication, and recalling facts quickly, for example). There are also central processing issues with spelling (though he's made enormous strides), handwriting, and organizing his thoughts for an essay (all part of dysgraphia).

We're not talking a little bit of frustration, but sometimes, full-blown-fit frustration, even though his end product is always fine. Thought formation for narrative writing is not a problem, only responsive writing. Interestingly, he can organize his thoughts in an oral narration just fine, but with paper and pencil in hand, it's a struggle. And learning to type has been very difficult (we're getting no where with it).

But processing disorders are not the same as the shady-80 issue (which is low IQ). Learning-disabled people can be very intelligent and have high IQ's, and thus, they live with a high level of frustration over their deficits. They know much, but can't get it out quickly and efficiently.

Peter's frustration is further confounded by the OCD and ADHD, leading to much anger, jealousy, and angst. He needs God, but he doesn't want to need Him this much. He doesn't understand how his siblings can be so well-behaved without the same desperate prayer, and the many mistakes that characterize his day.

I explained the other day, yet again, that God doesn't expect us to work in our own strength, and that it is good to need Him.

"But I want to be able to do it on my own!"

He sees his siblings sailing through life with few problems, at least from his perspective. It tears him up. Right now he's adjusting to new life with a dog, and while he loves the dog, change of any kind is terribly hard for him and magnifies his deficits, while routine minimizes them. Still, challenge is good. We can't know victory if we don't know challenge. We can't be humble if we don't know failure.

How do I teach humility to Paul, who rarely fails? If he gets even one problem wrong on his math, he struggles with tears because imperfection bothers him that much. He's used to 100%. If we aren't accustomed to imperfections and the trouble they get us into, we have a hard time understanding humility, much less practicing it.

When Peter uttered that desperate sentiment..."But I want to be able to do it on my own!"...the Adam and Eve story came to mind. Isn't that the fundamental problem with the human condition? We want to be able to do it without God. We want the control, the expertise, the glory.

In as much as Peter keeps me on my knees, and gives me gray hairs and headaches, I think he's better off than Paul in terms of ability to please God on the last day, provided he doesn't succumb to bitterness. The last shall be first. He who humbles himself will be exalted. 

If I were Paul, I would ask for a thorn, though who with skin on can make themselves do it? He has mild OCD, but compared to his brother's, it's barely a blip.

My prayer for Peter is to let God be his rock, with joy, not bitterness, and to relish that because of his weaknesses, he can shine God's glory. He gets to do that!

My prayer for Paul is that he will daily humble himself, even though his circumstances don't facilitate it. I want him to be able to fail and not fall apart. I want him to feel God's strength, rather than be so assured of his own. I want him to take risks and meet God in them, much like Kristen Welsh did when she started Mercy House Kenya.

Kristen grew up a Christian and had a lot going for her, but after going to Kenya with Compassion International in 2010, she realized her faith and her commitment to Jesus were weak. She was living the American dream with nothing stopping her momentum. When she saw intense joy in the lives of the Christian impoverished, and knew that her joy paled in comparison, she woke up to the real Gospel. Four years and much growth later, she lives for Christ and her joy rivals that of her sisters in Kenya (or at least on many days).

I want my boys to be used of God, and to know the true Gospel, before they chase the American Dream. I want their lives to be lived in the Gospel fringe, instead of the American Dream mainstream.

The lesson of motherhood--and what my boys have taught me--is that however hard I want this for them, I can't accomplish it. Defining my purpose isn't enough. God has to disciple them, and commission them, through us--the parents. It may come in spite of us, but never because of us. Parenting is a prayer, not a talent.

Prayer Time:

Dear Lord, thank you for parenthood. Thank you that it is so hard, with no true answers outside of your grace. Use us mightily. May our hearts and lives conform to your purpose and your will. May we labor for you and through you, for your glory. May we lead our children to the cross daily, and may they drink of the humility spoken there. May we drink of it Lord, as parents. May our children be interested in bowing low, not climbing high. May they meet you in their weakness (revealed by risk-taking for you), glad to be filled, so they can exalt your Holy Name.

In Your Son's Name I Pray, Amen.

Thankful Thursday 3/20

1 Timothy 6:12; "Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called..."

The Greek language reveals that this verse is not a suggestion, but a command. The command is to fight (the difficulty), and to lay hold on eternal life. We are not actually fighting anyone or anything involved in our difficulty, though it may seem like that. We actually fight Satan and his lies, his discouragement, and his manipulation. It isn't the cancer, the difficult boss or child, the poverty or the hopelessness that beat us. It's Satan.

But in Christ, we are assured victory. Maybe you didn't win today, but the big picture is one of glorious victory.

I know you've got something tough going on right now. We all do, and I tell you, we will win.

Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Jeremiah 20:11

But the Lord is with me as a mighty terrible one:
therefore my persecutors shall stumble,
and they shall not prevail:
they shall be greatly ashamed;
for they shall not prosper:
their everlasting confusion shall never be forgotten.

1 Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Part of the victory lies in submitting to the will of the Father, in all things. Each prayer is a small victory. Each gratitude list is a small victory. Each song sung to the Father is a small victory. Each opening of the Word is a small victory.

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Gratitude List

~ The promise of tulips coming soon.

~ An aspiring reader sounding out three-letter words.

~ A beginning reader stumbling only on a few sight words.

~ A chicken roasting in the oven.

~ Spring Mix steamable-bag vegetables (I love them so!).

~ A clean porch and yard, even if it did come about as a consequence.

~ Four loads of laundry folded.

~ Mostly caught up on laundry, ahead of Bible Study Saturday coming.

~ An old friend coming to Bible Study.

~ The Word of God as a balm to my weary soul.

~ We are assured victory!!

What are you thankful for today, friends?

The Making of a Boy

Stock photo of a Beagle, not our Rudy

Rudy the Beagle has been in our home ten days and he's rocking our world. I either have a sinus infection from a prior cold, or I'm allergic to his dander. Whichever is true, I love this dog and we're keeping him. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Not just because we love him, but because we made a commitment to him and we won't break his heart.

Now, consider that I never had a dog or wanted a dog, and I always turned my nose up at dog smells and thought people who treated their dogs as people were being ridiculous. Neighbor kids with dogs came over smelling like dog, and I couldn't understand how they stood the constant odor.

My firstborn begged for a dog for years and when he was 5 we told him we would get one when he reached 10. But when he reached 10, we had a three year old so we said she was too young and would mistreat the dog. (Plus we couldn't afford it.)

My son was appeased with a series of hamsters, a tree frog, and a corn snake (which is still loose in the house), but Peter never stopped talking about dogs, and every relative or neighbor with a dog, and every book or picture book about dogs made him pine more for a canine best friend.

We read a couple years ago that dogs can be therapeutic, and of course we knew they helped lonely people, including the elderly. A single 50-something man at our church brings in a therapy dog every Sunday, which helps him with emotional problems.

Peter's OCD and ADHD cause considerable stress around here, and when I recently added my girls to the daily homeschool load, that extra, along with the stress from Peter, made me feel like I needed to find solutions, and fast. We (and I) couldn't continue with the current level of stress, I was certain.

So, as we prayed about solutions, we considered a dog. ADHD children need a lot of stimulation and if they don't get it, they tend to bother their siblings and make a nuisance of themselves following a parent around (me) talking excessively, just to stimulate their brain. They can probably read social cues, but their impulsivity is so strong, they don't heed the signs of irritation. Negative attention is better than nothing, as it still provides stimulation.

As far as OCD goes, Peter needed a distraction to help him resist doing the compulsions. If he could stay busy and purposely ignore the OCD, he could win victory over it.

All this came into play, and we decided to get a dog, though neither of us looked forward to it. It was a last resort.

Now ten days in, I can understand how people come to dearly love their canine friends. There is something special there, I have to admit. God meant for dogs to comfort people, I am sure. They are dear creatures--loyal, funny, cuddly.

Now I have to admit the dog is running us ragged. We're in a period of adjustment, learning that Beagles, while being the perfect family dog--they are pack animals and love every member of the family--are also escape artists, as much as hamsters are (ask me how we know). He has escaped twice and I fear him becoming a stray again. His adoptive mother saved him at the last minute from dog death row, after six months at the pound. Beagles smell their way into homelessness, literally, being so intent on following a scent trail that they lose their way. Some family somewhere has been mourning this dog for eight months, and I'm determined to do right by this dog, who doesn't know his own nose.

As much as he's running us wild and I have three extra hours of housework weekly, we are learning fast. I put our refrigerator in front of one escape route, and a dresser in front of another, leaving us with one doorway into the kitchen, until a baby gate arrives with a opening latch to replace the refrigerator barrier. He isn't allowed in our living room, and that bothers him excessively, even though we make sure someone keeps him company most of the day, in the family room, mostly, but also the kitchen and dining room.

Truthfully, it feels like there is an 18-month-old baby here, with all the charm, giggles, and good times, along with all the headache of keeping the child out of danger, and keeping him entertained. He's not into the low cupboards yet, but I'm sure it's coming.

And just like when I had 18-month-old toddlers running me wild, I wouldn't trade these times. Rudy is a delight. A real peach. A good egg. An answer to prayer, albeit a labor-intensive one.

The Holy Spirit spoke to me profoundly yesterday about the Rudy and Peter.

I was exasperated because while Peter had two friends over, he got distracted and left the yard temporarily, leading to his five-year-old sister leaving the backyard gate open, and Rudy escaping. Fortunately, I check out the window frequently when Beth is out, and I looked, aghast, at the open gate and Rudy sauntering through it. Frantically, I opened the window, shouting at the kids in the front yard to intercept him ASAP.

Peter is grounded from having friends over for three months, partially because of this incident, and because of the friends, who also own dogs, trying out improper "training" practices on Rudy, like swatting him on the nose, however gingerly. Peter did not object strongly enough, in my opinion (like me, he is still learning assertiveness), though I warned him that the friends should not interfere with the dog. Peter also disobeyed me during this same time by going across the street to the drainage ditch, intent on catching fish and frogs with his friends.

Does that sound harsh? Three months? I don't think so, and I was glad of the opportunity to teach Peter that a life is in his hands. A dog is indeed like a toddler, needing a serious parental figure to love, guide and train him.

I wake Peter up every morning on time so he can let his dog out (if we had an extra alarm clock, I'd have him use it). I don't do any dog chores for him, and I gently remind him that the dog is his responsibility, but that I will help him create a workable schedule for the dog and for his school tasks, should he need my help.

Peter is, most of the time, doing a fantastic job, displaying a stellar work ethic. He even brings along a plastic grocery bag on every dog walk, telling me, "You know, Mommy, I actually like picking up Rudy's poop on the walks. It makes me feel grown up. And you wouldn't believe how warm it is. I never knew poop came out of bodies so warm. Steam comes up from it!"

The Holy Spirit clearly said to me yesterday, as I riled from the stress:

This dog will be the making of Peter, just you wait and see.

It is with tears that I write this, thinking of all that God did to bring this particular dog to us. The whole thing involves much sacrifice and expense (initial expenses, mostly), but just like most hard things in life, the pay off will be huge.

We've encountered several novels the last few years with similar themes--a dog being the making of a boy. Nothing grows a person like parenthood, and that's what dog ownership is for tweens. It forces them to acquire and practice growing-up skills. It provides an avenue for them to invest their hearts and time, working for the good of another.

Yes, I would definitely say God knew what he was doing when he created dogs to be a man's (and a boy-man's) best friend.

Of course, the girls here love him too. :)
 

Defining a Christian Marriage

What's the hardest thing about developing and nurturing a distinctively Christian marriage? If you had to take inventory of your marriage today, would you rate its Christian characteristics as strong, good, average, or poor?

How do we even define a Christian marriage? How is it different from a secular marriage?

Some might say the difference has to do with the husband's leading and the wife's submitting, since these concepts are scriptural marriage teachings. But truthfully, leading and submitting are ideals that take decades of work in marriages, depending on the modeling a person had growing up. I don't know how strongly these would define a first-generation Christian marriage, or even the average Christian marriage.

Let's suppose you're in a first-generation Christian marriage, having grown up with secular parents, or parents who didn't follow scriptural models. What should you aim for, with few concrete Biblical mandates to go by?

The Bible gives us a picture of sacrificial love in 1 Corinthians 13, and in Ephesians 5:22-33 we learn that a wife is to submit to her husband as to the Lord, and a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. These are classic marriage passages, but they don't come with examples. They fall far short of providing a vivid picture.

I think it's a good idea to pray these scriptures over our marriages. The Holy Spirit can mold us and direct us in ways the passages cannot. The Spirit makes the passages come to life, so to speak. He is with us in the nitty-gritty details if our hearts are teachable. God wants us to ask for wisdom and the Holy Spirit is faithful to provide it.

Never are we left alone.

Still, I think it's beneficial to think of marriage not in terms of our behavior primarily, but in terms of the purpose for our union. If we can't identify purpose, we'll have a harder time navigating the everyday landscape of our marriage.

The Bible, when taken as a whole, teaches that it's not about us. Everything we do is for God's glory, whether it be our marriage, our child-rearing, our jobs, our friendships...even our free time. So marriage is not a way to get our needs met. The primary purpose is to glorify God, not to stifle loneliness, have hot meals served every night, have steady sex, or be gifted with new jewelry every Valentine's Day.

Psalm 34:3: “Oh, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together!”

Marriage perks are nice and they may happen, but they aren't the purpose and they shouldn't be the primary focus. As Psalm 34:3 teaches, focus on how you as a couple can magnify the Lord.

Some marriages are plagued by frequent travel, some by excessive life stress, some by inadequate support. A myriad of things come along that prevent marriage from meeting our needs, and the survivors are those who don't look for what they can get out of it, but what they can put into it.

When we shift our focus in this way we don't have a laundry list of things we'd like to change about our spouse. Instead, we have a list of ways we can bless our spouse, for the glory of God.

Christ died for us while we were still sinners. He didn't wait for us to perform in some expected way before blessing us, and we must love our spouse in this same way--radically, undeservedly, graciously.

A Christian marriage then, 1) has a distinctive purpose (to glorify God),  2) has a sacrificial love.

Homework #1 : In your prayer or blessing journal, jot down 2 or 3 specific ways you can bless your spouse this week. It may seem like you don't have time for such a "game", especially if you have small children or many children. But do jot something down anyway, and pray that the Holy Spirit gives you the energy and drive to bless your spouse this week.

Make this a habit and you'll not only win over your husband, but you'll magnify the Lord as well. It all starts with one partner deciding to make the first sacrificial moves, with no promise of returned blessing.

Homework #2 : Pray the Ephesians 5:22-33 scriptures over your marriage so you can submit and respect, and your husband can love and lead. Without our prayers in this direction, I don't believe we will see progress in these areas. Women are not natural submitters anymore than husbands are natural lovers and leaders. We need the Holy Spirit to realize these ideals in our marriages. Pray also that you and your husband will pray together frequently. Don't nag your husband about this, just pray about it--prayer is the single most effective marriage counselor.

So pray, pray, and pray again.

And love, love, and love again.

In four weeks, rate your marriage for its Christian characteristics again. Is your primary purpose--which should be to glorify the Lord--strong, good, average, or poor? Is your sacrificial love strong, good, average, or poor? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

When our own children grow up, we want them to have a vivid picture of what a Christian marriage looks like. We want the marriage scriptures to come alive in our homes. What better wedding gift can we give our children, and how better can we glorify God?

What is one way you can bless your husband this week, friend? (Besides the obvious, which we won't list here :).

I will make my husband a pineapple-upside down cake, which is his favorite. And I will try harder to have dinner ready and the table completely set precisely at 7PM, which is when he walks in from work. When you're schooling four kids, it's tough to get afternoon chores and dishes done in time to start cooking from scratch early. Dinner is sometimes not ready to eat until 7:20, and he comes in mighty hungry. But I can do this, for the glory of God.

The One Thing We All Have Going For Us

Today was the worst day and it was supposed to be a day for me to relax, finally, with a book in my hands. It was a Saturday off from Bible studies and no company was scheduled. My cleaning and laundry load would be lighter, I told myself, so I'll sit with a book and give my energizer-bunny self a rest.

But then the tiny screw fell out of Beth's glasses, so that meant a Walmart Vision center errand. And the snake disappeared from its cage, so when husband returned from work after lunch time, he obsessed about finding it and tore part of the house up.

So much for my relaxation.

I came home from Walmart to find pee spots in the playroom. Without my reminding him, Peter failed to take Rudy the Beagle out every hour, and the rule is that the dog can only be on carpet if he is watched closely. Later, Rudy will bark his needs better, but right now he is quiet, trying to get used to his new surroundings and new family and new routine.

I came unglued too, when I saw evidence that Peter pulled triple the amount of paper towels necessary to dry his hands. He absentmindedly does this, and it drives me crazy because paper towels are expensive and I purposely buy the type that section off to save money. Not to mention, there is usually a kitchen towel available for wiping hands only. People with OCD wash their hands daily more than most people do in several days, so his paper towel habit is a nightmare.

More things went wrong, and my world came crashing down. I felt completely overwhelmed with all the responsibilities and hassles, on a day when there were supposed to be few.

I didn't wake up this morning and announce to everyone that I really needed to relax. I just assumed it would happen.

I lectured my son and got mad at my husband, for they both share very similar characteristics that make my daily responsibilities heavy. And I get so weary sometimes.

Finally, my husband, in exasperation, shouted that they don't mean to annoy me. "I'm sorry we aren't as perfect as you'd like, but we do the best we can. We can't help it that concentrating on many details at once, the way you do, is impossible for us."

I felt terrible.

Why do I assume that lecturing is going to change anything about ADHD? Instead of snapping at all the pressure, why don't I remember why it's there? Why do I bother getting annoyed at something that can't be changed, any more than a polio victim can get up out of a wheelchair and suddenly walk?

My son began fearing, from all my ranting, that he was never going to make it in life. That he was just too stupid.

I felt terrible.

My brain just wanted to explode. Living with neurological disorders is so hard. So excruciatingly hard for everyone involved, but not for the same reasons. My son and husband have to acknowledge at some point that they are hard to live with, and that as much as they need grace from me, I need grace from them, too.

The wife of an ADHD husband does an awful lot of work, not because her husband is lazy or tries to get away with doing less, but because he gets overwhelmed easily and can handle few details. Looking for a snake, being in the midst of four kids with Mom away, and making sure a dog gets outside every hour, is too much detail.

I told myself, inwardly, that when I am away, the dog goes in his crate after being let out the last minute before I leave. Rudy doesn't mind it at all; most dogs see their crate as a quiet, secure place, as long as the confinement period is just a couple hours. They can hold their urine quite a while, but dogs neutered late (after one year; Rudy was six years) tend to mark territory with their urine, so you have to keep a close watch and make sure they use it all up outside, for they purposely hold some in to use for marking. God is amazing, the way he created each animal with so many complicated and specialized characteristics.

But having to make this adjustment when I leave the house? It was annoying. There are so many adjustments...so many bases to cover before I can leave the house. Pressure. Always pressure.

I am grateful for my family and for having the privilege of caring for them. I am grateful to have a Christian husband who works hard and has integrity. I truly am, but that doesn't keep me from melting down when the pressure mounts.

The mother of an ADHD boy puts up with a lot of annoying daily issues. She hopes for progress. She hopes for an easing of symptoms, if only she can help her son manage the disorder well enough, utilizing all known helps.

But at the end of the day, the brain is still disordered. Medicine is no cure. Good management techniques are no cure. The disorder won't go away. Ever.

You can use words like special instead of disordered, but the daily reality doesn't feel so special. You can spin it positively on your best days, but best days don't come often. Neurological disorders stink. No one wants them and they struggle daily to endure them, if truth be told. Every day they wake up and life is harder for them, no matter what they do differently.

And because it's a silent disorder, not a visual one, few people understand the deficits.

Sure, developing coping skills helps, but they manage the stress involved, far more than they change the condition itself.

Whenever I get overwhelmed with this, I make my son and husband feel like they're no good. I give them the impression that I am better, smarter, more capable. But the reality is, I'm crumbling in my own weaknesses. I don't think they can put themselves in my shoes, perhaps because it's painful to do so.

No one wants to face that they have deficits that unduly burden others. This is a very human reality, true for all of us, but not fun to acknowledge.

At the end of long, cantankerous days, my son, overwhelmed and dejected, wonders how he will make it.

And I wonder, silently, how his wife will make it, for I know what she's in for. I also know my son is sweet, gentle, smart, fun, and charming, and a wife he will have. Someone will come along and notice that he is not cocky, but humble. That life has molded and shaped him by its hard knocks, and he's better for them. He will stand out by his good heart and good looks, by his allegiance to God, and the silent disorder will go unnoticed during the courting period, as it did for me.

And when the courting period comes, I must remain silent about the disorder and let God work. All my mothering years must be used to pray for a solid, compassionate Christian wife for him...one who will kneel and pray for strength and grace, and give thanks for Peter's heart and humility, which please God.

Defeated and guilty, I responded to my son with the only truth I know.

"This has nothing to do with intelligence. You are very bright with many strengths. And you will make it in life, by the grace of God. In the end, Peter, we all have just one thing going for us."

"The grace of God."

"Look up to heavens and give thanks for it, cling to it, and spread it, for the glory of God."

If you know of a family dealing with neurological disorders, be it depression, ADHD, OCD, bipolar, Tourette's Syndrome, or autism...please pray for them? They may look put together on the outside, but truly, they need prayer for lifelong strength and grace...and their loved ones do too. Thank you.

image