When ADHD Threatens to Ruin the Holidays

Not too long ago I stated that ADHD is not a moral issue--a whole post explained why, in fact. Kids who struggle with executive function problems can appear selfish, lazy, and unmotivated for anything but pleasure. All of it looks like heart issues from the outside, and caretakers can struggle with anger and resentment as they try, day after day, to teach proper behavior and responses. Other family members and/or other students at school suffer because of this one child's issues. The ground is fertile for not only resentment to grow, but genuine dislike. Grace does not abound because it's so easy to blame the child for his characteristics, and not the neurological deficit.

Around the holidays, these kids can suck the joy right out of the yuletide. As caretakers, we have to slow down and remind ourselves, they didn't choose this. They don't plan to drive us insane with their inability to delay gratification, or their insane hyperfocusing on the one present to the point of you wanting to unwrap it and throw it at them to get everyone out of their misery--on December 7. (No, I didn't do that, but I seriously thought about it.)

It helps me to read and reread about executive function and about ADHD frequently, but especially around the holidays or around someone's birthday, when my son has the most difficulty. I need to remind myself not to judge him, but to display compassion with firmness. I didn't choose to have chronic headaches, and I would be crushed if someone blamed them on me or chastised me for them incessantly. When we tell our executive-function-impaired children they're selfish, it cuts them to the core. They don't want to be selfish. They don't want to disappoint us, sabotage their sibling's birthday, or make everything about them. In fact, when we describe to them what they're doing, they're probably disgusted with themselves; their self-esteem just sinks lower than before.

We can and must help them learn to manage themselves, but first, we must learn to respect them, to uphold their dignity, to point out their strengths, to help them value their contribution to the greater good. God doesn't make mistakes, of that we can be sure.

Every day from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day, it's a good idea to sit on the couch for ten minutes with this child and tell him he is loved, and recount all the ways he made you proud that day. If he didn't behave at all that day, borrow praises from other days, but be genuine. These kids are often very compassionate people with amazing abilities, but they aren't reminding themselves of these things; they're in trouble too much to remember their own good points.

It's up to us to provide a balance between love and discipline. It's an awesome responsibility, this holding of the tongue to say only what is necessary. It's up to us to remind them that their disorder is not a moral issue. They're sinners like the rest of us, but no worse off. When we mess up and say the wrong thing, we need to ask their forgiveness right away--before the hurtful words fully sink in, hopefully.

Here are some things I've read these last several weeks, to keep my heart in the right place:

Happy Holidays--Really!

Avoid Holiday Havoc: Help for ADHD Children

Surviving the Holiday Season With Children With ADHD

Executive Function: What It Is Anyway?

Helping Kids Who Struggle With Executive Function

Is it Executive Function Disorder or ADHD?

Holiday "Gift Obsession" and Managing ADHD

ADHD Holiday Help: House Rules for Children

How do you keep the holidays peaceful while raising special needs children?

Abiding When Tension is High: Test Results

Was it mere coincidence that a few days before I received a letter in the mail indicating that my mammogram screening required further evaluation, I'd done extensive reading on abiding in Christ? I think not. Just the day before I'd read quite a bit about Elizabeth Elliot, and will have that biography for you in the next couple weeks, hopefully.

Roughly five hours after reading the letter, I mustered the courage to get away from the kids, go into the bathroom, lock the door, and examine the indicated breast. And yes, there is a hard, pea-sized lump, not noticed before, and missed by my doctor a few months before. It being a Friday, and my doctor only working Tuesdays and Thursdays, the wait will not be easy. I was likely contacted earlier than she was, which indicates, possibly, that it was not a number 5, which is the highest number on the mammogram-reading scale, indicating the worst. My letter was merely a form letter, not a detailed letter indicating exact findings.

I panicked over the lump, though I didn't plan my demise in my head just yet. Wanting to know as much as possible, I researched and learned they would do a diagnostic mammogram (magnified, different-angled pictures of the area), and an ultrasound to try to ascertain if the lump is fluid-filled, indicating a cyst and benign, or a solid mass with irregular borders, requiring a biopsy. Biopsies can be with a needle guided by ultrasound or MRI, or they can be via surgery. With a needle however, they can't tell you a cancer is invasive, only that it's present, and if they miss the cancerous cells, you can get a false negative with a needle biopsy.

This pea-sized lump is not like the fibrocystic lumps I've had for quite a while. I haven't felt anything like it before, and I haven't ever had anything in the lower region before either. It's most likely benign, such as an adenoma, and even if otherwise, most people do not die of breast cancer.

My mother did have breast cancer in her sixties--a small lump removed, with no problems later. She took hormone replacement therapy for about ten years (known to cause breast cancer), and smoked and drank heavily, with no exercise (alcohol is a definite risk factor). She had no family history, however. Only 15% of cancer sufferers have a family history. Many do not have any risk factors. Most cancers do not appear before the fifties.

My only risk factor would be my mother's cancer (though because hers was post-menopausal, it wouldn't be likely to show up this early in me), and having had my first pregnancy after thirty. I only took hormones in the form of a birth control pill for one year, to preserve my fertility while suffering from endometriosis. I stopped taking it after one year due to it aggravating migraines.

It is the extent of your body's lifetime exposure to estrogen that puts you at risk for breast cancer, which is why having your first baby after thirty is a risk factor, as well as having a late menopause or early menses. I had six total pregnancies (two miscarriages) and nursed extensively, going nearly 10 years with few cycles, so that might negate the late childrearing risk factor, as does the extended nursing, which is protective. Having more children is also protective. In 2014 the U.S. birth rate went below 2 children per American woman, and if this trend continues, we are likely to see small hikes in breast cancer rates.

None of this should alarm you, personally, because lifetime breast cancer risk remains relatively low, despite a lot of number crunching. There are two different guidelines floating around currently. One, by the American Cancer Society, suggests that you begin mammograms at 40. The other, by the American Medical Association, I think it was termed, suggests you begin at 50, because only a small percentage of lives are saved by starting at age 40, and there are more false positive mammograms between 40 and 50, due to denser breast tissue, making it harder to read the mammogram, causing unnecessary fear in many women.

God is bigger than statistics and risk factors, but his plan sometimes includes hard things, like cancer, thus, the need to abide in Him through all things, with an open hand.

I'm happy to meet the Lord at any time, with one misgiving. The thing I'm having the most difficult time with, in terms of abiding, is the possibility of leaving children with a husband who has trouble caring for them even while I'm at the grocery store. He struggles mightily with children as a whole. He is at his best as a father when he is out with one child at a time. It seems so cruel to leave him in total control of a family, and with children having special needs besides.

However, no human being is irreplaceable, and it's haughty for me to feel that my children wouldn't be just as well off or better in my absence, by the grace of God. As a mother, I'm just as flawed as the next, not special.

I've had the privilege of reading many missionary stories lately, from Missionary Stories With the Millers, and the power, grace, and mercy of God has not been lost on me.

Have you had a medical scare? How did you abide through it?

Homeschool Weekly Wrap-Up: Birthdays/Christmas Books

I had a baseline mammogram earlier this week and already got a letter saying to come back for further evaluation. Since I knew I had a fibrocystic issue, I suspected this would happen after a baseline (first exam), but it's still a bit nerve-wracking.

Birthday News
When a child has a birthday here, it's also a homeschool holiday. We have two December birthdays six days apart, one of which we're celebrating today. Thus, I have time to write this post!

Mary is turning 8; Mary is her blog name, not her real name. She's my only child without a biblical name. Let me just say there aren't a lot of pretty female biblical names, and she was my first girl. For my second girl, I chose what I think is a pretty name, but an obscure mention only in the Bible, albeit a noble one. Now to the point: "Mary" wants to change her name to Mary. I said all it would take is some paperwork, and I understand how it must feel to be the only child without a biblical name. How about adding it as a nickname, I suggested. She already has a nickname made from her middle name, and we could add Mary to it. Then, when she gets married and changes her last name, if she still wants to change her first name, she could do it at that time.

She's happy with that solution, thank goodness. My heart is getting used to Mary Rose, and I rather love it.

10 Things About the Birthday Girls

Turning 8, Mary loves...
~ frogs, toads and butterflies
~ that God is always watching over her; praise songs
~ playing outside
~ stuffed animals
~ sister and brothers
~ active play
~ playing with balls
~ Christmas trees and Christmas season
~ the Liberty Kids DVD series (about the Revolutionary War and politics in aftermath; she's seen it 5 times!)
~ train tracks and trains
~ making pictures for friends

Turning 6, Beth
~ I have a Bible name
~ I have a stuffed dog named Violet
~ I love doing ballet
~ I love singing
~ I want to ride a pony one day
~ I love princesses (they can wear beautiful pink, pink, pink dresses)
~ I love pink
~ I like pretty pink bows, lollipops, and cupcakes
~ I like my friends Emma and Shelby at church
~ I like that God makes our stress go away, and that princesses don't have stress (She's half right anyway. I'm trying to explain to them lately that stress is not always a bad thing. It's a cue that it's time to sit at the Lord's feet. It's only bad when we let it continue.)
~ I love pretty pink tutus

And last month Paul turned 11, which wasn't documented yet on my blog:

Paul loves...
~ making up board games; playing them
~ active play with balls; football
~ making up cards games
~ making chocolate pie and Russian tea cakes
~ math
~ making homemade presents for his siblings (sewing, knitting, painting)
~ playing chess with Daddy
~ attending local college football and basketball games with Daddy
~ reading the Bible
~ writing devotions

School News

My boys' Sonlight:
The boys are both reading The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare, as part of Sonlight Core G, World History Part 1. I read it to them three years ago as a read aloud. It's outstanding story-telling, gripping, heart-stretching.

Publisher Synopsis: He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. –from the Song of David (2 Samuel 22:35)

The Bronze Bow, written by Elizabeth George Speare (author of The Witch of Blackbird Pond) won the Newbery Medal in 1962. This gripping, action-packed novel tells the story of eighteen-year-old Daniel bar Jamin—a fierce, hotheaded young man bent on revenging his father’s death by forcing the Romans from his land of Israel. Daniel’s palpable hatred for Romans wanes only when he starts to hear the gentle lessons of the traveling carpenter, Jesus of Nazareth. A fast-paced, suspenseful, vividly wrought tale of friendship, loyalty, the idea of home, community . . . and ultimately, as Jesus says to Daniel on page 224: “Can’t you see, Daniel, it is hate that is the enemy? Not men. Hate does not die with killing. It only springs up a hundredfold. The only thing stronger than hate is love.” A powerful, relevant read in turbulent times.

Other Sonlight News: They're also continuing in Usborne Encyclopedia of World History, and now in Augustus Caesar's World as well.

Synopsis: Considered the innovator of "horizontal history," Genevieve Foster became frustrated when her two school-aged children complained about the boring presentation of history in their school texts. This frustration led to Foster's first book, George Washington's World (1941). In her unique approach, Foster weaves a story of the world around her central character; rather than focusing exclusively on geo-political events, as most textbooks do; she includes stories of scientific discovery and invention, music, literature, art, and religion. She has a keen intuition for stories that will especially delight and amuse her youthful audience. In Augustus Caesar's World, Foster traces the seven major civilizations Rome, Greece, Israel, Egypt, China, India, and Persia from 4500 B.C. to the time of Augustus Caesar in 44 B.C. and culminating in 14 A.D. Within this timeframe readers will learn not only the stories of Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, and Marc Antony, but also the historian Livy and how Virgil came to write the Aeneid. Foster will then take her readers all over the world to learn what was happening at this same time in China, Persia, India and so on. Foster's detailed pen and ink drawings are fresh and appealing, and her illustrated timelines give a clear sense of chronology, enriching the engaging text. An all-time customer favorite!

Grammar

We switched to Easy Grammar and we're all finding that painless and helpful. The program bases it all on the prepositional phrase as a framework of reference, and everything else is taught after that. We have only the student workbooks and so far I've found any extra info I need I can find on the Internet. So much is written about grammar that no teacher edition is needed, but of course it would help to have all parts. We've spent more this year on curriculum than any other year, due to my daughter's dyslexia and needing very specific things to address that (from the All About Learning Press company). That also led to me having less time to spend with the boys, and needing resources for them that required less teacher input. I had to make some switches along those lines. 

Kindergarten and Second Grade News

Mary, second grade, who has dyslexia, is excelling with All About Reading Level 2, and I continue to want to hug the creator of that program daily (Marie). Mary looked back to the first story in her book, started back in late September, and she couldn't believe how easy that first story was. She remembers it being a struggle for her back then; even she is amazed at her progress.

Beth is doing well with All About Reading Level 1 as well. 

Both girls are doing Sonlight Core B, with Mommy reading the read alouds, and Peter doing the science with them, and Paul doing the non-fiction history core (reading it aloud). It's a family effort. Beth (grade K) does not always have the attention span the material requires, but she's picking up some.

Writing

Writing is not going as planned. Write Shop Junior Level E takes more teacher time than I hoped, and I have to get it organized better so we're fitting it in consistently. Meanwhile, they're writing in their journals all the time, and being asked there to respond to literature. The Write Shop program is not the problem--it's me. They have the lessons well organized for you. Instead of trying to destress from having special needs children after everyone goes to bed at night, I need to carve out time to preplan our writing segments. It's a discipline on my part.

Christmas Picture Books to Share: And many more shared on this page on my blog

Christmas Soup by Alice Faye Duncan and Phyllis Dooley (Copyright 2005)

Synopsis: A zonderkidz book, not readily available. Look for it in the holiday section of your library. Very touching. Every year the Beene family dreams of a Christmas feast, but every year they get the same old watery soup. The true meaning of Christmas is revealed in this touching picture book with poignant illustrations by Jan Spivey Gilchrist. While Mama is making the traditional Christmas soup her children wish for more. When Baby Fannie prays 'Bless our home with something more'--- and that 'more' turns out to be two hungry strangers to feed, it seems as if things can't get much worse. But the soup---a true feast for the hungry pair---is shared, and the Beene children learn a lesson about giving they won't soon forget. This tender story is sure to become a Christmas classic!

Apple Tree Christmas by Trinka Hakes Noble (copyright 1984 - new edition 2005)

Good Reads Reader Synopsis (first featured - Shanna Gonzalez): The Ansterbergs live in the end of their old barn which they share with their animals, and they look forward to the time when Papa will be able to build them a real house. Every Fall they harvest the apples from their old apple tree, and then the tree is free for the two girls to play. One makes a swing out of the vine which wraps around the trunk and branches; the other makes a drawing "studio" out of a broad limb. In the days filled with hard work and chores, the tree provides a great deal of joy to the children. But one night a blizzard destroys the tree, and for two weeks before Christmas the barn is filled with the sounds of Papa sawing the tree up into firewood. The girls are so distracted by grief that they are barely able to prepare their homemade Christmas gifts for the family. Even on Christmas Eve, he stays up late into the night, sawing. On Christmas morning Papa unveils their presents: a section of vine, nailed to the overhead beam, with homemade rag doll astride, and a drawing board affixed to the rescued "studio" limb, adorned with real paper and willow charcoal. The second child draws a picture to commemorate these events in 1881, and it stays on the family's wall for many years.

This book is exceptional in many ways: the drawings are skillfully evocative, and the text is just right in its level of descriptive detail and emotion. The story compellingly draws its audience in to share the girls' fear as they huddle under the table listening to ice strike their roof, watching Mama feed the fire that keeps the cold at bay. And listeners are disappointed along with the girls when their favorite place to play is destroyed. When the children's joy is restored due through the generous love of their parents, the effect is of a deeply joyful experience of a strong family which chooses to embrace love, hard work, and determination in the face of significant challenges. It's an outstanding addition to the Christmas basket.

My Notes: While this is out of print, your library may have it if it keeps a holiday section. It is worth looking for. A real classic! My girls and I all loved it and wanted more!

Gifts of the Heart by Patricia Polacco (Copyright 2013)

Synopsis: Beloved author-illustrator Patricia Polacco’s holiday story is a wonderful ode to the magic of family, Christmas, and giving the right kind of gifts—gifts filled with love.

 
Richie and Trisha want to buy Christmas gifts for their family, but they don't have enough money. Enter Kay Lamity, a new housekeeper . . . but is that all she is? She comes into their lives like a whirlwind, brimming with positive energy and a can-do attitude. Kay not only straightens them out when it comes to whether or not Santa Claus is real, she teaches them something about gifts: the just-good-enough kind that come from the pocketbook and the unforgettable kind that come from the heart. Because of Kay, Trisha and Richie—and the family—have a Christmas morning they will never forget.

Celebrating the joy of homemade gifts, Patricia Polacco introduces readers to a new character who is truly a force of nature in this story reminiscent of Christmas Tapestry and An Orange for Frankie. This is a magical Christmas story the author swears is true, right down to the sleigh tracks on the farmhouse roof!

My Notes: I loved this heartwarming, well-told story, and although it tries to affirm a childhood belief in Santa (not the focal point, however), I didn't have a problem with that, even though we don't do Santa in our home. We want our children to believe in the power and omniscience of God, and assign such traits to no other entity. We tell them that Santa is from a pleasant story, derived from the kindness and goodness of a true St. Nicholas, but stolen by commercialism. Though we want them to know the truth, we don't ban Santa movies or stories. This book is worthy of your family time. We loved it!

A Christmas Album by Shaun Groves

Shaun Groves is "a speaker and musician sharing stories and songs to inspire generous living at home and around the world". He works for Compassion International, warming up audiences at concerts before headlining musicians come up, where he talks about Compassion International and invites people to come to a Sponsor table to begin a sponsorship relationship. He also travels to speak at churches and other venues. He blogs here.

He released a Christmas album, which you can listen to below. We love the songs here! 

Click here to buy on iTunes

Shaun's album is also available on his website store here.

And on Amazon here.

On Abiding in Christ, Part 2

Today's Abiding in Christ word comes from John Piper. I particularly loved several parts of a sermon he preached in April, 2011 on this topic. Those parts are excerpted below. Please find the full message here. John Piper's words in red.

5 Questions Raised by Verse 31

....today we focus on verse 31: "So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, 'If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples.'" And I have five questions that this verse raises—all are crucial for your life:

1. What does it mean to "truly be Jesus's disciples"? ("You are truly my disciples.")
2. What is Jesus referring to by the phrase "my word"? ("If you abide in my word…")
3. What does it mean to be "in" that word? ("If you abide in my word…")
4. What does it mean to "abide" there? ("If you abide in my word…")
5. What's the relationship between abiding in his word and truly being his disciple? ("If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples.")

For the purposes of our study, we'll deal only with John Piper's answers to questions 2, 3, 4, 5. 

Answer Number 2

Our second question from John 8:31 is: What is Jesus referring to by the phrase, "my word"? "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples."

The word is singular, "my word," not "my words." This means that Jesus is thinking of the sum of all that he has taught. We could leave it at that: Jesus means "abide in the sum of all that Jesus taught." But my guess is that Jesus wants us to ponder what the sum of that word is. And surely the answer to that is: He is the sum of his word. All his words in one way or another draw our attention to him.

Words like: "I am the bread of life" (John 6:35). "I am the light of the world" (John 8:12). "I am not of this world" (John 8:23). "I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11). "I am in the Father" (John 10:38). "I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25). When you take all his words together, they have one great focus—Jesus himself. "These are written—all these words are written—so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God" (John 20:31). They all point to him.

All Jesus' Words Point to Him

Which is why when you get to chapter 15, Jesus can say, not only "abide in my word," but "abide in me." "If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch" (John 15:6).

So the answer to our second question would be: The phrase "my word" here in John 8:31 ("if you abide in my word") refers to the sum of Jesus' teaching which is summed up in himself and all that he is for us as the crucified and risen Son of God.

Answer number 3

3. What does it mean to be "in" that word?

Now the third question from verse 31 is: What does it mean to be "in" that word? "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples." Here's a picture of what I think it means. The word of Jesus, with himself as the center and focus of it, has a kind of force field, like a magnetic field around it. And when you are "in his word," you are in that force field. You are under the sway of that force coming from his word. So, for example:

• Part of this force field is the truth of the word. So when you are "in" the word, you are in the persuasion of the truth of the word. You are persuaded that the word is true. And you live in force field of that persuasion. You live in the truth.
• Another part of this force field is the beauty of the word (I'm referring here to moral and spiritual beauty, not stylistic beauty), and when you are "in" the word you in the attraction of that beauty. You are held by that beauty.
• Another part of the force field is the supreme value of the word, and when you are "in" the word you are captured by the preciousness of the word, and the Savior. You are drawn to treasure the word.
• Another part of the force field of the word is the power and grace of the word, so that when you are "in" the word, you made peaceful and hopeful by the word. You trust in the word. Because it can do what it promises; and what is promises is gracious.
• Another part of this force field is the word as the life-giving, soul-sustaining bread of heaven, so that when you are "in" the word, you are in the nourishment of the word. You are being fed and strengthened by the word.
• And the force field includes the word as living water so that when you are "in" the word, you are being refreshed by the word.
• And the force field includes the word as light so that when you are "in" the word, you being illumined and guided by the word. You see everything in the light of the word.

So when Jesus says, "If you abide in my word…," being "in" his word means being in

• the persuasion of its truth,
• and the attraction of its beauty,
• and the treasuring of its value,
• and the peacefulness of its grace and power,
• and the nourishment of its bread,
• and the refreshment of its water,
• and the brightness of its light.

To be "in" the word of Jesus is a whole new life. This is what it is to be a true disciple. To live "in" the word of the riches of the word of Jesus.

Answer Number 4

4. What does it mean to abide in his word?

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples." The word "abide" is simply the word "remain." It doesn't carry in it any special spiritual connotations in itself. It means remain in his word. Don't leave it.

This doesn't mean that you can't lay your Bible down and go to your work. No. Abiding in the word of Jesus means remaining in that force field of the word. It means not leaving it.

• Abide means not ceasing to be persuaded by its truth, and never elevating any other truth above it.
• Abide means not ceasing to be attracted by its beauty and value, and never seeing anything as more beautiful or more valuable or more attractive than the word and the Lord it reveals.
• Abide means not ceasing to rest in its grace and power—never turning away as though greater peace could be found anywhere else.
• Abide means never ceasing to eat and drink from the word as the bread of heaven and living water, as if life could be sustained anywhere else.
• And abide means never ceasing to walk in the light of the word, as though any other light could show the secrets of life.

This is what it means to be a true disciple. "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples." And the fact that Jesus puts the emphasis on abiding—remaining—gives the answer to our last question:

Answer Number 5

5. How are abiding in his word and truly being his disciple related to each other?

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples." Jesus is saying that the mark of the true disciple is lasting, enduring, persevering, keeping on in the force field of the word. Temporary tastes of the truth and beauty and value and power and grace and bread and water and brightness of the word do not make you a Christian. The mark of Christians is that we taste and we stay.

To whom shall we go? You, O Lord, have the words of life (John 6:68).

By John Piper. ©2014 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org

John Piper really knows how to get to the heart of Scripture, yes? I heard him say once that he has a reading disability (maybe he mentioned dyslexia...I can't remember, but he's a slow reader) so he doesn't get through a lot of books. He concentrates mainly on the Bible, and it shows! 

This sermon found here, at Desiring God. Thirty-seven years of sermons are available at Desiring God at this link. They're grouped by year, series, Scripture, and topic. Or you can do a search.