heart murmurings

Time to count some blessings and give thanks before bed.  Feeling frustrated tonight over a myriad of problems I can't solve.  Husband is still gone so many hours, he can't run interference with the children for me, allowing me to finish the bedroom shuffle job I started about twelve days ago.  House is in flux and my nerves are frazzled, which doesn't surprise me considering they've actually studied this and found that visual clutter upsets a person.

My gratitude list:

- Miss Beth amused herself with the tea set she got for her birthday (pouring water back and forth and making a sopping mess of the table.  Oh well :), so that Momma could peel at the sink--apples for applesauce and potatoes for mashed sweet potatoes, to go with the chicken already in the oven.  Mashed sweet potatoes and homemade applesauce are two of my favorite foods.  I savored dinner tonight.

- My Paul got a new math book and totally delights in it.  He says during Christmas break, he still wants to do math!

- The underemployment crisis we face takes its toll, definitely.  My husband and I have both aged a lot in the last two years.  But daily, compassion grows in my heart for the less privileged.  I could never, never have known their daily reality without the turmoil, and sometimes hopelessness, of the last 21 months.  The Bible says that the poor have no friends.  What that really means is that the poor are judged for their lack of upward mobility.  I will love, love, love on the less privileged for the rest of my life.  That desire is priceless, and maybe, just maybe, the ongoing nightmare is worth it.

- The three older children have fallen in love, once again, with their Geo Trax train toys.  They have spent hour upon hour over the last three days with their trains, conjuring up scenarios they've been exposed to through the Thomas and His Friends storybooks (we have the whole set of these stories).

- The three older children were in a Christmas Pageant at our church last Sunday.  They did very well, with Paul especially delighting the audience.  Many people came up to us and to the Children's Director telling how Paul had delighted them.  One woman told me he made her cry and that he has a future as a performer.  We were pleasantly surprised by his stage presence, definitely.  Husband and I were in tears throughout the performance.  It was just precious.

My only regret is that often Paul is praised by people in front of his big brother, Peter, which makes existing brother jealously all that much worse.  Peter also put in a very solid performance (both had short singing solos and speaking solos, and were part of the side singing group).  Peter did get complimented also, but not with the same animated praise Paul received.  Pray for Peter, please?  He recognizes that Paul isn't plagued with the OCD fears and other problems.  Although Peter knows he is fearfully and wonderfully made by his Heavenly Father, it's still hard for him to see brother ease through life (in his view)

Trying to finish this up during Beth's nap, which can be pretty short.  She's on day one of a cold.  More another day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PRECIOUS FRIENDS!

Harry the Hamster Brings Grace

I was nursing my Beth at naptime when it happened.

"Harry bit Mary and it's real bad!"

Racing out of Beth's room, I brace myself for blood and tears.  Instead, I find a timid Mary.  Too quiet, considering the bite drew slight blood.

"Why did Harry bite you, Mary?"

"I don't know", she answered quiet, not looking at me.

I washed the wound and consulted Google about hamster bites before deciding on ointment or dressing.

"Peter, you didn't leave Mary alone with Harry, did you?"


"Well....yes. I got distracted", Peter admitted.  "But I told her not to touch him!"

Minutes later, applying hydrogen peroxide, I hear Peter say, "Harry isn't moving much."

I finished up and went to check on the hamster, who seemed to be cuddling down for a nap.  Satisfied, I left to interrogate Mary.

A little later, "Something's wrong with Harry!"

Alarmed, I rush to check him again.

My heart beats wild as I watch an obviously wounded rodent.  He depends on us for everything, I lament inside, and we let him down.

Internal despair makes me more insistent with Mary, who is still slow to respond to my inquires.  "What did you do to Harry, Mary?  I think he's dying."


Feeling this was Peter's fault for leaving such a young child alone with his fragile pet (he'd been warned many times), I assured Mary she wasn't in trouble.

"What were you doing when Harry bit you?"


Fifteen minutes later, the truth.  She held him and tried to feed him a sunflower seed--something she'd seen brother do many times.


Harry loves sunflower seeds.  Writing that pains me now.

Harry bit her and she dropped him.  She was standing up at the time, on our laminate wood dining-room floor.

My heart in knots, I check on Harry again.  "No pain for our little friend, Father, please."

Google tells me that, yes, it's common for hamsters to die after falls.  Their bones are so small, a two-foot fall is like a two-story fall for humans.  Oh, Father, he must be in pain.  Take it away!

Heart sick, I tell Peter we were wrong.  "You're not mature enough to have a hamster.  You left Mary alone with him, after many warnings. " 

Harry passes away about an hour later.  Our day goes dark.

In my head I wrestle for hours.

Was I too harsh?  I wonder if we should get another hamster the next day. Peter will miss him dearly.  He's a troubled kid, what with his various neurological challenges.  He needs a pet to help him relax.

Peter and Mary both, at times, held Harry while standing up.  I warned them to sit down, but toddler Beth is a full-time job, taking me from room to room often.  I couldn't stand guard consistently.

And we didn't know the seriousness of falls for these little pets.

My mind searches.  By replacing Harry, am I risking another pet's life?  Isn't that selfish, to want to appease my children, at the expense of a defenseless rodent?  Peter disobeyed.  He needs to learn a lesson and go without a pet for several months.


Toward evening, something happens in my heart.  Jesus.


I always give you another chance, you know.  Why are you without mercy?  Extend it, and grace too. (no punishment, and another pet)

My heart stills, finally.  I know this is the right thing.

Husband calls.

I called him earlier in distress, telling him the dark news.  At that time we both agreed that Peter is too immature to care for a mammal.

But Jesus had spoken to husband, too.

"Honey", he told me, "I think we should give him another chance.  And another and another and another.


I just cry.  "Yes, Jesus told me the same thing."

Peter waits anxious as I hang up.  "What did Daddy say?"


"You're Daddy is a good man, Peter.  He loves you with grace, as your Heavenly Father loves you.  He said it before me.  I think he deserves another chance."

My boy smiles relief.
____________________________________________________

We all miss Harry.  Sometimes we think we can hear his wheel running.  We enter his room, see his empty cage, and the grief comes.  He was just a pet, I know.  We'd known him since November 4th.

He brought more life here.

And in the end, he brought grace.

judgement

I've been thinking a lot about judgement this month.  It's second nature to humans, isn't it?  How many judgments of another person do you think we make in a day?

- "When will those boys aim better and stop peeing on the floor?"


- "Why can't the grown-up man in this house use the hamper that's sitting in the bathroom?"


- "That mailman is lazy!"  He saw me coming from my house after he knocked at my door a few minutes earlier.  Instead of reaching back into his vehicle to give me my packages, he just finished loading up the mailboxes and drove away.  Now I have to take a trip to the post office to get my packages, per two orange notices placed in my mailbox.

- "Why would the checker put the Drano in the same bag as my food?"


- "Why would someone let their curious kid catch and keep thirty salamanders,  just for fun?  What about the ecosystem?"


- Why can't my kids be more grateful?  Why do they complain every time they have to clean the playroom?  Don't they know some kids live in tin homes with no address, far smaller than their cushy playroom?"


When we perceive another's judgement of us, how does it make us feel? Small, unsettled, physically sick, even guilty.

I used to follow a homeschool blog until one day, the author made a comment about the failing economy--passing judgement on the long-term unemployed.  "Why don't people just get out there and do something else--something in a different field?  Hard times call for innovation."


I wasn't angry, but I did stop reading the blog.  There was no gratitude for what God had given her family.  There was no acknowledgement that God gives talents as He sees fit--even the propensity for innovation.  Some have many talents, some have a few, some have almost none.  She failed to recognize that some circumstances lead to hopelessness, which is crippling in itself.  Finally, there was the presumption that the long-term unemployed are just lazy.

But I wasn't angry, because I judge plenty also.  Life experience is the ultimate heart softener, and this person was barely thirty. She was ignorant of her sin.

I often feel irritated at two particular people in my house for what I perceive to be ungratefulness. Glass-half empty describes the way these two look at life.  They rarely count blessings; it grieves me, angers me, stretches my ability to look upon them with grace.  They count hardships like King Midas counts money.

God is working with me regarding my irritation--trying to soften my heart toward these two house-mates.  While counting blessings and looking on the bright side are good and right, they're also part of a natural bent--a personality characteristic.  We should all do it--we will all benefit, but for some, it's an arduous, unnatural chore.

Here is the humbler:  We don't get to choose our personalities.  Some are more attractive than others, but not because the owner is more holy.  Yes, we can, over time, polish our rough spots or hide them, but our gene-decided personality will keep fighting our efforts.

We are nothing without Christ.

Pride tells us we deserve some recognition--for making the right decisions, for being opportunistic, for being flexible when necessary, unyielding when necessary, prudent, long-suffering.....our list of accomplishments is long.  Right?

We are nothing.  He gives, blesses, takes away.  Some are rich, some poor, some just get by.  Some heat their attractive homes to seventy degrees in the winter, while others live in tin houses, fear for their children's lives daily, know ten-day hunger, drink pain and hopelessness away.

Why shouldn't we judge?  Because we are nothing without Christ.  And because judgement is puffed up pride. 

It's painful to think about.....hard to understand.....but God allows inequality in his Upside-Down Kingdom.  His graces and unfailing love are with the poor in spirit, but upward mobility and happy endings--which we're obsessed with--do not top his to-do list.

Unless, of course, Paradise is the happy ending you're talking about.

Adding to his Kingdom--reaping a harvest of souls for eternity?  That tops his list.

alternatives

Compelling reasons to make Christmas less commercial.

- We can give more to those in need--more Operation Christmas Child boxes, more money to the third world, more money to our local church (pastoral gift, other ministry gifts), more money to a single mom and her kids, more money/food to food pantries/shelters.

- With less shopping, we have more time to visit depressed people--in nursing homes, in hospitals, those suffering the loss of loved ones, those with no family around.

- We have more time to offer hospitality.

- We have more time to minister to our own family, without the rushing around, feeling stressed, and getting behind on daily tasks.

- Without the distraction of things, we have more of each other.  We can dwell together intimately.

- Without the distraction of the buying, wrapping, etc., we can be still more, dwelling on the miracle of Christ's coming.



But if for your whole life, Christmas morning has meant the unwrapping of delightful surprises, all of these ideas sound too far off.  Too hard, austere. Too kill-joy.

Instead of doing away with gifts entirely, how about a standard, reasonable number, so that preparing for Christmas morning doesn't overwhelm the schedule or the pocketbook?

Christ got three presents.  How about starting there with your kids?  Then, if you feel led, give less the next year, or stay with three.  If you experience an economic slump, your kids won't feel as though one Christmas was better than another.

I know a pastor who gave his three children three gifts only every year--something for their music pursuits, something literary, and something for their sports pursuits.

With fewer or no gifts under the tree, you can perhaps plan a memory-making outing, such as a visit to a fancy theater to see the Nutcracker, followed by a leisurely dinner.

Or, you can target your buying to benefit the whole family, and create new traditions in the process.  Why do gifts have to be individual?  Would the family delight in a new board game to play every Christmas?  Or a family gym membership for the snow months?  Or a zoo or museum pass?  Or a New Year's weekend away?

There is the personal, heart meaning of Christmas--Christ's coming and the hope that entails for a believer--and the collective, practical meaning of Christmas--expressing love toward others and experiencing togetherness.

For your individual family, the love and togetherness part requires simply having extra, leisurely time together--whether it be baking together, making a lovely holiday meal together, playing board games or charades together, or looking at family photo albums or slides together.

If we arrive at Christmas day exhausted and spent, the togetherness part--the memory-making part--doesn't go smoothly.

Instead of expending all your energy on searching for the right gifts for everyone on your list, how about planning for memory-making instead?  Create traditions with your family that bind and bless and infuse laughter into your holiday.

Toys get broken, forgotten, or added to a huge toy box.  And some, like electronic devices, even take our family members away from us.

Togetherness and tradition strengthen families by binding hearts.  They're an investment in the future.

point the way

Five plates sat on the counter, two pieces of bread each.  Peanut butter and jelly ready to go.

And then, a diaper change.

A sibling fight.

Someone forgot to close the bathroom door and baby got all wet playing at the sink.  I changed her.

Mary fell and needed some lovin' hugs.

Math problems needed explaining.

The dryer bell sounded and laundry needed shuffling.

Forty-five minutes later, on slightly hardened bread, I spread the peanut butter and jelly.

In the middle of it all, due to my own extreme hunger and frustration, I belted out a primal scream, shocking my offspring.  I just wanted to get lunch on the table!  How hard can it be!

A couple hours later, huddled in prayer with all my babes, I opened by asking God's forgiveness. The Holy Spirit is careful to impress this upon me, in the post-sin hours.

Confess.  Let them see you confess.

I have an ugly secret.  I can't stop sinning.  I lose my focus.  Taking my eyes off of Him, I promptly fall into the water, as Peter did.

They learn the ways of the Lord not through my good behavior, usually, but through my repentance.  When I acknowledge that I need the Lord--that I am nothing without Him--they know what to do with their own sin.

Humble yourself before the Lord.  Acknowledge, confess.  Be filled with Him again.  And again.  And again.

We don't have to be great parents, or even good parents--whatever that may entail.

We simply have to point the way to Him.