The Addict Versus the Christian: Your Response

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do? Definitely, it's detaching from my mother's drinking and its consequences. Last night I received another angry email from a sibling--one who is deeply entrenched in enablement, and harshly judging me for my stance. Reading it sent my heart racing, and once again, I perceived that addiction is a gift that just keeps on giving--and not in a good way.

How one deals with an addicted person involves assessing what stage of denial they're in, and acting according to their readiness for recovery. If the denial is deep, and they refuse to admit they have a problem, there is little one can do, outside of detaching.

What is detachment, exactly? And why do I bother writing this post?

When I think back to my family life growing up, and how all of us behaved, I'm deeply saddened by the secrecy and denial. Addiction is shameful and ugly, but keeping it secret is even more shameful. If you deal with an addicted person in your life, I urge you to move away from secrecy and toward acknowledgement and transparency. Denial and secrecy are your enemies, and millions of families, including millions of innocent children, suffer needlessly not so much because of someone's addiction, but because of the secrecy and denial.

Reject your former response and move into the Light. Give your addicted friend or family member over to the care of our Almighty God, who is mighty to save. Any control you think you have over the situation is mere illusion.

Detachment is considered cruel by those who don't understand its value; you will be judged harshly. Lean on the Lord as you detach and gather your support where you can. Stand by your convictions, even if it means standing alone. Be gracious to those who won't understand, remembering that few of us understand what we haven't experienced.

Detachment, by definition, is removing yourself from the consequences of someone's addiction. It is crucial for recovery purposes that they take the consequences, fully. Any help from you in that regard just makes them get sicker--and you get sicker too, with your enabling and your refusal to move into the Light. Addiction is sin, and you want no role in it.

Is it also a disease? Probably, so ask God to provide what you need to forgive, to give you the compassion necessary to view your loved one as the Lord views her--as a sinner in need of Grace. Don't judge, but also, don't participate.

Think of detachment as being neither kind nor unkind. Don't bail your loved one out of jail, if it gets to that. Don't do any act, large or small, that makes the person more comfortable, outside of saving their life if you can. That said, if they commit suicide, don't take responsibility for it. Each person is accountable for their own life, and we don't "save" anyone. Addiction or not, God will judge the person by their actions, by their denial of Him, by their refusal to repent.

Romans 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

Romans 2:6 Who will render to every man according to his deeds

Galatians 6:5 For each will have to bear his own load.

God saves, and any part we have in it is because he allowed us to have a part, for His glory. Don't believe that you can change anything, for that is controlling--part of the enabler's sickness. Yes, it's true. Enablers have a controlling streak. And what's worse, they're capable of pity only, not love, until they understand the difference between the two. Their self-esteem comes from rescuing people over and over. It gives them a false sense of power--an illusion of grand purpose. As such, their sickness is just as serious as the addict's.

I have a friend who recently lost a grandfather--a grandfather unsaved and negative toward God. The family deeply grieves his passing, which was more painful than most losses, due to his final destination. They tried to witness, to no avail. What she explained to me in her letter was one of the hardest things any of us has to process this side of heaven. Why doesn't God save everyone? She said they have to trust that God is just, and acts accordingly.

Why doesn't God save every addict? Why doesn't he soften every heart? Why doesn't he rescue every child stuck in an addictive home? All of it is mystery. Don't try to figure it out. Trust in the Lord fully and believe in His goodness. Give thanks that He saved you, and feel guilty not for those who perish unsaved, unless you never shared the Gospel. But even then, let the guilt go because God is sovereign, and he works through our sloppy or inadequate attempts. If we live unashamed of the Gospel, that is witness in itself. Don't hide your faith, don't water it down, don't keep it quiet to avoid offending. Live boldly and let God work through you.

And hold on tight, because the world will hate you because of your unveiled love for and allegiance to the Son. They will distort it all, claiming moral relativism and tolerance is the way to go, for in their minds, absolute Truth doesn't exist.

If someone you love is never saved, know that God is Love, regardless. Cling to Him and His goodness, which will only make you stronger for the work he has for us, as Christians.

The last thing I want to say, is to believe. Imagine what it will be like when your loved one meets the Redeemer. Hope. Because hope will keep you praying. Hope will strengthen you. Hope will be your endurance. Hope will help you run and finish the race well, for His glory.

Remember how Jesus was viewed by his own town members? They were blind to the divine in Him. They were too close to it all, in essence. I don't believe that family members are always the best Gospel deliverers, for the receivers are too caught up in the emotional responses ingrained in them toward that member.

And when you've been hurt by an addicted family member, it's even harder to "deliver" the Gospel well. Trust God here to bring in a neutral party to seal the deal. And remember, too, that your responses are not always going to be good ones. Be compassionate toward yourself, as well. It's easier to shower compassion on an addicted outsider, than it is on one who has hurt you. I read a pastor's account of this, in relation to his own functioning alcoholic father. He noticed that he showers compassion easily on the addicted (compassion not pity) who have hurt others with their addiction, rather than him.

As you pray for your loved one, pray someone neutral into their lives, who will deliver the Gospel and Love without prejudice, and be a sound and enduring witness.

This is where I'm at now. Fighting for hope. It appears my mother has rejected God for good, and other loved ones are being brought down with her. It's so hard to have hope, for I've prayed so long.

But God is at work in my heart, teaching me to hope. To hope in Him, for He is our only true Hope.

Forgiveness: The Fits and Starts

There's a picture on my fridge of my mother and step-father, and honestly, sometimes when I pass by there, I have to cover it up. Not a day goes by that I don't struggle with boundaries--with the neighbor kids and their problems, regarding church work, regarding almost any endeavor. I hate getting involved in endeavors that weren't worth my time, or that are worth my time, but end up stressing me and my family because I can't decide where the boundaries should fall. I hate constantly wondering how much of my efforts are from God, and how much from my dysfunction.

I hate that my children don't know a loving grandparent, and when I read picture books about grandparents, we all get a far off look in our eyes, and a tear in our hearts. It's always been that way.

I hate that when one of the kids wakes me up in the middle of the night, I can't get back to sleep because of stress--often caused by boundary confusion. I then think of my mother, her drinking, her denial, her making me the villain, and my step-father, her chief enabler, making me the villain.

And next, I experience an awful thing: a bitter heart. And I hurt for the millions in my position.

The picture of my mother is there as a reminder of the commandment to forgive: forgiveness is for God, and for me, and I must do it. I must look at the picture of the elderly, pretty woman, and imagine her as a young child, still incapable of hurting me. I must let go of the notion that I deserved better, and remember that somewhere along the line, she felt that same way. 

I must remember that each time one of us, as children of God, chooses something other than God to spend our allotted devotional time on, that God himself feels the same way...I deserve better.

One of the reasons we have Compassion children is that I believe children deserve to live in dignity. They deserve a childhood. I grieve for the child I once was, and for the childhood that never was. Like Miss L, our twelve year old neighbor, I was mature beyond my years. Life took the child right out of me, and the way I experience everyday life is different because of that.

There's no method to redo a loving, healthy family. We get one chance.

Forgiveness, I'm learning, is never done. Having a clean heart, one free of bitterness, is a life-long endeavor. Because I denied these issues for so long, I'm late in peeling away the layers. Maybe some day I'll be able to pass by that picture, which I will always keep there, and quickly transform the woman into the little girl, and have a genuine love for her. Someday maybe I'll never have to cover it again. I get there sometimes now, to a feeling like love, but then the roadblocks in my life that her choices set up hit me again and the love is gone.

Love is a journey--one we all must diligently continue.

In Christ, all things are new, but the fullness of our glory as Christians won't be here. The last layers of our pain won't be removed here.

I ask you, Jesus, to let your glory shine on my weakness, on my hurt. I offer it up; let it work for you here, and thank you that someday it will be no more. I will be as a child in your perfect arms.

I beg there to be a day my extended family claims you as Lord.

6 Traits of Functional Families

I think we come across the word dysfunctional far more than we do the word functional when it comes to families. My own little nuclear family here has two major things working against us:

~ We have too little support.
~ Our stresses are serious, and ongoing.

Generally speaking, I would say that families can get through much turmoil, whether ongoing or temporary, if only they have adequate support, but what about when that's missing? Is there any hope for those families? What can make the difference? What characteristics separate the healthy families from the dysfunctional ones, even under less than ideal circumstances, such as chronic illnesses, mental disorders, and other issues?

My non-scientific observations and opinions, open to discussion, are as follows:

Five Characteristic of Functional Families 

1. Healthy Families Are Not Afraid of Conflict 

They don't push problems under the rug to keep the peace. They live in truth. Keeping feelings inside, hidden, is living a lie.

John 8:31-32 … So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The truth sets us free spiritually, and in our interpersonal relationships too. Healthy families believe this and get it all out there in the open, and discuss it, if not always in even tones, at least not in brutal, disrespectful tones. Be angry, but don't sin in your anger. Healthy families may fight, but they fight fair. They keep the cussing and character assassinations out of it, and the divorce word out of it. If anything regretful does slip, it's apologized for promptly, within minutes.

It's easy to keep the fighting words out of it, if things aren't repressed. If someone has offended you, put it out there promptly, but not at 12 AM preferably. The more problems are held inside, the more violently they come out when the flood gates are finally opened.

Don't give resentment time to build, for I think most family therapists would agree that resentments are the beginning of the end. They become so entangled and ugly over the years, that no one save God can get the knots out, and many people don't feel that God moves fast enough. Because really, doesn't God only move as fast as our own pride moves aside?

We all know what a stumbling block human pride can be, and that leads us to number 2.

2. Healthy Families Are Full of Humble People

Psalms 18:27 For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down.

Change in any family starts with, not the other people, but with yours truly. We have to be willing to look inward and recognize and pray for the removal of our own sins. The Holy Spirit is trying all the time to point them out, but He needs our cooperation--our humble, teachable heart. The family prayer circle should always include a plea for humble hearts.

3. Healthy Families Are Full of Grace

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you

It stands to reason that if each family member is in touch with his own personal sinfulness, he's going to be more willing to apply grace to another member's shortcomings. Not holding grudges is key. Each day should bring everyone a clean slate, for isn't that what our Heavenly Father does for us, giving us new mercies every morning? If you wake up and can't give your family members a clean slate, pray for a clean heart.

4. Healthy Families Are Thankful

If you think about all the reasons you're doomed as a family, then...well...you're doomed. Take time at least once a week, hopefully more, to count your blessings. Take life one day at a time. The Bible tells us that each day has enough trouble of its own. Don't borrow trouble from another day. Pray through today's trouble, and give thanks. Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

5. Healthy Families Are Sacrificial

No one person in the healthy family is out for personal glory. Personal goals are weighed against the good of the whole family unit. If Dad's career, for example, is taking him away three quarters of the month, is it worth it? Can the family be without its spiritual leader this long and still be healthy? If mom's work or side activities are distracting her from the children and/or the home, are they serving the family well? Are Susie's Olympic gymnastic goals going to bring enough glory to God to make it worth the sacrifice to the whole family, financially and otherwise? What is Susie really after? And the family?

Any glory in a family belongs to God alone. As soon as ego interferes, an imbalance permeates and threatens the health of the family unit.

A Bonus # 6
This goes without saying, but healthy families worship God together. He binds them together. He covers their iniquities and ensures that they succeed, for his glory. 

So gather round, open that Bible, hold hands, and pray together. You can't afford not to. Yes, it's messy with littles around, but do it anyway. Keep it short at first, and longer as they can handle it. Numbers 1 through 5 will fall into place if number 6 is strong.

Simple Woman's Daybook 6/17

Outside my window...

On this partly sunny day, the children are having a picnic lunch on the front lawn...PB&J, peeled and sliced Jonagold apples, iced Country Time Lemonade. I would be sitting here, my heart all a glow as I listen to their funny sibling banter from the playroom window, except...

...Except that I just finished cleaning up a huge mess, over which I really felt like crying. Am I the only one who would cry over fixing four large cups of iced Country Time Lemonade on a tray for a lawn picnic, only to spill it everywhere, all over the floor and cabinets and floor boards, because I tried to open the door with one hand while carrying the tray with the other? And I was so anticipating their smiles, on this hot, humid day! After this disaster, I had just enough lemonade on hand to give each child only half a cup. Yes, I did overfill with ice to hide this fact.

I'm getting over it now, anyhow, even though sugary lemonade ranks up there for disastrous messes, along with chocolate milk. Writing always helps. :)

I am thinking...

...that my children can be loud when they play and I wonder if the neighbors smile at the wonder and magic of childhood when they hear my gang's childish schemes and games and sometimes arguments, or if they roll their adult eyes and wonder when quiet will invade this corner of the neighborhood.

I am also thinking what a jack-of-all-trades a mother is. Our van has been failing to start at times and our mechanic had it over a 3-day period a month ago and started it 40 times successfully, so he couldn't troubleshoot it. With dread over the cost we thought it was a slowly failing fuel pump, because it would turn over but not start, only this would be intermittent, as I said, characteristic of a failing pump. It was oh so inconvenient for the kids and me, as we went to appointments and errands, as you can imagine. I prayed about not getting stuck in a parking garage at the Children's Hospital for hours, but we had to keep running it out of necessity.

Finally, the van issue began to worsen Mary's anxiety; she hasn't wanted to leave the house at all. Thunder isn't all I've been dealing with. Other little things began to bother her too, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder began to look like a real possibility, which runs in my family and which Peter has, but his improved after age 10 when he began his med for OCD. There was no way I was going to put Mary, at age 7, on anything, so I began in earnest last night to study 2003 Ford Windstars via the Internet and try to find the answer to the problem. Ford Windstars have a lot of issues so they get a lot of Internet press.

Mothers do that. They get to the bottom of things, by golly. Whatever the kids truly need, we try to deliver. Not just discipline and kisses and vegetables and books...but everything in our power. I think because there's plenty that isn't in our power, we want to do our best with what is.

So, last night found me learning about the Ford Windstar. I learned typical stuff that will make some of you smile, if you have dads who bothered to teach you a few things. Such as, that to start a car you need a fire, of sorts. Fire requires three things: air, fuel, and spark. I really didn't think it was the fuel pump because our personal mechanic arrived at the pediatrician's office yesterday where we were "stranded" and started the van for me with a trick, and he noticed the fuel pumping through a line as it should. It wasn't a blown fuse either. He was stumped as to what the problem was, but at least he got me out of that fix, while Mary cried in the back seat. It was a hot day.

Now, if something creates an air vacuum in your vehicle's system then the fire necessary to start your engine won't happen. As I read about the things that could create a vacuum, I thought about the gas cap that has been somewhat faulty for a few months, which we've been too preoccupied to replace (we can be dumb that way). Then I searched for whether a loose gas cap could make a car fail to start. Half of the mechanically-inclined people answering said no and half said yes, because it can create a vacuum. Next I read that when your gas tank is empty or nearly empty, it creates more of a vacuum, and BINGO, it dawned on me that the last few times the van has done this the needle was not on empty but near it. I rarely put more than $20 in the van's tank at a time, so there you go.

Of course we are replacing the gas cap tonight and asking our mechanic's opinion about whether this might be the only problem (he's extremely honest and rooting for our family). Hopefully we'll get to the bottom of the issue and Mary will build some trust in her parents, building upon her trust in God...and our mechanic. She trusted the mechanic all along, but not us, when it came to car issues. Smart girl.

The battle against fear is her's, not mine, but she should know that when Mommy takes her for a ride in the van, Mommy, as the adult, will have some control over how long the trip will be.

I am thankful...

~ for the two lovely-spirited little girls here

~ for summer lawn picnics and sprinklers on hot, humid days

~ that Mary is all smiles today

~ summer breezes

~ a nice mechanic who is willing to rescue us (and works for himself)

~ children excited about the garden they planted

~ Peter's and Paul's diligence in learning how to make and plant their own seed potatoes (don't know if this climate will work, but it's an experiment)

~ loving husband

~ Peter growing into such a nice big brother for his siblings

~ Beth making great strides in speech (I see a day coming soon when speech will not be necessary for any of them. We are taking the summer off with the therapist's blessing.)

~ No more physical therapy sessions for Beth for her three arthritic joints. The methotrexate and naproxen are working to keep her functioning very well. The plan is to withdraw the naproxen first, as soon as she goes a whole year without any flares or swelling, which hasn't happened yet, by a long shot. Once that occurs and no problems arise from the absence of naproxen, they will then try pulling the methotrexate. A long process ahead of us, in other words. She has a stubborn case of arthritis.

I am wearing...

...long jean skirt, pink tee, heeled clogs

I am reading...

Lois Lenski's Strawberry Girl, a 1946 Newbery Medal Winner. While this is a fourth- to fifth-grade book, the content is mature, as you will see from the review below. As I choose summer reading novels for the boys, I find it's hard to look at Lexiles and reading levels because if you rule out books that are below grade level, you miss out on some memorable books that children may not have had the maturity to grasp earlier--when they matched their grade. This book is heart-wrenching for me, as an adult, to wade through! That's not to say it isn't good. It's excellent!

Synopsis/Review (Children's Literature): Birdie Boyer is Strawberry Girl in this delightfully classic tale of frontier life in Florida. As newcomers the Boyers' so-called uppity ways clash with the Slaters, their fence-hating, land-squatting, free-cattle-ranging neighbors. Birdie helps her Ma and Pa battle the Florida sun, drought, and sandy soil as they attempt to put in strawberry plants and tend to their orange trees. Problems abound and tempers flare as the Slaters and Boyers meet with trouble; fences are cut, hogs are killed, a mule is poisoned, and a raging fire is set. The Slaters are beset with tribulation due to the drinking, gambling, and irresponsibility of their husband and father. Mrs. Slater and her children find themselves indebted to the Boyers by a life-saving act of neighborly affection, which changes the heart of Mr. Slater. Lenski intersperses historical spice and appeal throughout her story, while illustrating the hardships and trials of life on the frontier in early twentieth century Florida. (orig. 1945), Harper Trophy/HarperCollins Publishers, Ages 10 to 18. 

I'm reading trade books to the girls as well, including Betsy, Tacy and Tib by Maud Lovelace. We're still reading 1 Corinthians in the mornings for devotions. It's not an easy book to explain to children, but we're learning a lot and I'm very appreciative as always for my Life Application Bible.

I am hoping...

...I spoke to my father for Father's Day and learned a little more about his father. He died at 54 years old from cancer due to working in a coal mine all his life. And he drank, which I knew, but I didn't know any details. My father downplayed the drinking, saying his father didn't drink that much, in typical denial fashion. My own father, like me, hates alcohol and doesn't want anything to do with it. My mother had begun to drink before they divorced, when I was 3. When I think about each of my father's many brothers and sisters, I see the consequences of their father's drinking. Many siblings either married someone who drank, drank themselves, or married someone who was dysfunctional--even in the cases where there are second marriages. (My father is on his fifth marriage). It doesn't take daily drinking to make drinking a dysfunctional parental activity. It only takes covering up for the drinker to bring on the dysfunction, or denying that the drinking exists and makes the family different. Everyone takes on a role in the drinking family, and the roles continue as the children all leave home and marry. Tragic.

If only we wouldn't live in denial and shame. If only we wouldn't assume that polite people don't talk about that. If only it didn't have to be a secret, we could learn how to undo the patterns, and it wouldn't insidiously poison each new generation.

I may be breaking my mother's heart in not having any contact with her until she goes to rehab and is no longer in denial, but I must do it. I must say No! to any more of this dysfunction in my life and in the lives of my children, for I can raise them the way I was raised, secondhand, if I don't know where I'm going wrong and where my thinking is faulty. I am only just now realizing the subtle ways that my thinking has been faulty, even though I've never been a drinker, I'm not married to a drinker, and I don't have any friends who drink.

For me it's about the patterns of behavior that were established and my lack of understanding about them, due to denial for so many years (thinking that my mother was a "problem drinker", not an alcoholic). There isn't much difference between the two, in terms of the way the children are raised.

Just this week I had to stop taking the calls of one of my "friends" who I began to recognize as a manipulator. Why couldn't I see it before? I knew she had problems and I was trying to do my best for her while still putting my family first, but why couldn't I see that she was manipulating me, and that I cannot minister to or be a friend to someone who is manipulating me?

I see things differently now that I have put (probably) permanent distance between my mother, step-father and myself. It wasn't obvious right away, but the more I stay strong, the more I see the damage caused by my upbringing. And I see how much the Lord protected me! It could have been far worse. The more layers I peel away, the more new anger I experience. I thought I had forgiven, but there's still more to forgive. I have to keep my heart clear of bitterness so as the layers peel, I need to keep the forgiveness flowing, while still not making contact with them.

It all stems from the sin curse, but beyond that, it comes from this word...denial. Oh, Lord. Help us to live in truth. Search our hearts. Make known to us our iniquities and may we live side by side with you, in truth.

Scripture to Share...

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Holiday Gatherings and Redeeming Family Dysfunction

Thanksgiving's just past and if you spent time with family, chances are some raw pain resurfaced.

My father, 74, is on his fifth wife. He flew in from Vegas to spend five and a half days in Ohio, accompanied by his 17- and 19-year-old daughters from his fourth marriage.

Yes, my family is complicated. 

I have 1 full-blood sibling, a sister two years my senior, residing in Oregon, whom I haven't seen in 9 years. I also have 5 half-siblings: 1 from my mom's second marriage, a brother with whom I grew up but haven't seen in 9 years; 2 from my father's third marriage, a brother and sister with whom I've had little contact in the past 2 decades; and 2 from my father's fourth marriage, both sisters, with whom I've had little contact in the last 8 years.

If your own family is more complicated than that, surely you deserve a hug. 

Here is it: Squeeze

While my father and two half-sisters were here in Ohio we saw them once, which was today, despite not seeing my dad in the last 4 years. He has a sister and a brother still living, and nieces and nephews who live here too, all of whom he spent time with. Today, however, my dad and sisters came for lunch and my dad paid little attention to my children, who are at times desperate for a grandparent's love. My half sisters, very sweet-spirited, loved on my children, thank goodness.

A grandparent, like a parent, must be sacrificial to fill a child's love cup. Children are precious and lively, but playing their board games is not always fun. Spending time with them just because it would bless them and not because it promises to be fun, is what we all hope for in grandparents for our children.

Grandparents don't bless with their money, although some try that. Really, they bless with their time.

Love is a verb and an investment...with no reciprocal promise. It's a risk and a sacrifice because it involves time and heart and saying no to other possibly more attractive choices. My heart aches for someone to come along and decide that my children are a worthwhile investment--because Jesus asked us to love as he did. Sacrificially.

My children are not perfect, being a tad too bouncy, but they're sweet and fun. They'll almost always sit still for games and art and stories. There are ways, if someone's interested, to curb their bounciness.

Each time my mother comes (her husband, my step-father, stays home in Oregon when she visits), or my father appears, my hopes for my kids are dashed. My mother and my father both, on visits here, put my kids last, after fun activities with their siblings, such as going out to dinner, shopping, visits to neighboring states, etc.

The most intimidating people to me are always those with seemingly perfect upbringings. People who were seriously invested in, intimidate me because they have so much going for them. It's not a jealousy thing so much as an inferiority complex.

Somehow--and I don't quite understand it--our self-esteem suffers for a lifetime when our parents make dysfunctional choices during our upbringings and beyond. I guess our minds think...if someone was invested in, then they must be worthwhile, right? If we, in contrast, weren't invested in enough, our minds assume we weren't worthy of anyone's time or heart. 

It's all subconscious thinking, however, so it's hard to combat.

We usually manage to forgive our parents or guardians, if necessary, sometime in our thirties, but this doesn't mean their past and present choices cease to hurt us.

In our thirties we usually have children of our own; we have an inkling about how hard parenting is. Aware of our own mistakes, we're more capable of forgiving our parents' mistakes. We may know what perfect parenting sounds like and looks like, but in our humanness, we can't achieve it. We never will.

So our love for our own imperfect parents becomes a sacrificial love...a forgiving love. We love them not because they deserve it, but because Jesus loved us when we didn't deserve it. We love them in Jesus' name.

I'm not fond of my dad. I hate his dysfunction, which even at the age of 74, persists. But when he came today, frail and slow-moving because of a past stroke and kidneys working at just under 30%, I had to forgive him, even as he failed to love my children right before my eyes. When the old get older and weaker, we manage a deeper layer of forgiveness as we witness their decline.

When parents can't love as we wish, we can do little about it, except what Jesus does with our imperfect love for Him. He keeps on forgiving, keeps on loving, with no reciprocal promise.

Tonight, I hope all of us with familial pain and disappointment choose love. The best way to redeem the past is to love more. Dysfunction comes from too little love, too little sacrifice, too little forgiveness.

We can do better for our own children, burying for good dysfunctional patterns of old in our family line--not achieving perfection, but progress. For example, we can stay married, despite the trying times. We can be sacrificial and choose not what we want, but what will bless. 

Reminder to self: You want to build a legacy of love, so live like it.

~ Every day, choose love. It is a choice.

~ Every day, ask for the Lord's counsel and comfort, knowing earthly love, from anyone, is not enough.

~ Every day, say no to your desires and yes to your children's hearts.

~ Every day, look upon your mate graciously, remembering that when you choose to love him, you are also loving your children, who need him and want him, and need you to love him.

~ Every day, speak to your children of their Heavenly Father's love--always perfect, always enough.

~ Every day, get on your knees, praying your children's way through, and your way through.

~ Every day, pick yourself up when you fail and get back on the horse, because tomorrow is a new day.

A new chance to say yes to love, and yes to a godly legacy.

Let Love Win

Regular readers may know by now that my 90-year-old father-in-law, a Florida resident, may come to live with us. He's fallen recently and is in a rehab center now, getting stronger daily in small leaps.

I speak to him on the phone daily to get to know him better and track his progress.

This probably seems strange, but although I've been married 14 years, I've seen my father-in-law only twice for short Florida visits--once in the year after we married, and again when my first child was 9 months old.

He doesn't care to fly or travel and we don't have travel funds. And for the last five years, up until Father's Day 2013, Luther gave all of us the silent treatment, not answering the phone, not reading our letters.

I think that phone call on Father's Day, from Luther to us, was an answer to our prayers and Part One of God's plan to help Luther finish well. Luther's fall two weeks ago was Part Two of God's redemption plan.

Some days Luther seems interested in living with us, and other days he leans toward a retirement home.

At any rate he knows the risk of falling again is too great to continue living alone. What will Luther ultimately choose?

What does God want? What is his divine plan for my father-in-law's last months or years on this earth? I wonder about this daily now. If we are actors and actresses following an already-written script (God's will) what is my next scene about...and what is Luther's about?

Certainly it would be hard both for him and for us if he lives here. The children are noisy and needy and the chores and tasks are many. My plate is already full. And Luther has lived alone some 40 years now, never remarrying after his wife died in a car accident when my husband was 16. How will he adjust to having housemates? Will he shout and bark at us to be quiet?

What happens when my ADHD son has a meltdown? Will Grandpa interfere? Will I get angry at him and him at me? Will he love my son unconditionally, or favor the other children?

Will Luther have picky meal requests on top of my children's pickiness? What will I make for dinner, pray tell? What if my pineapple-upside down cake tastes too sweet, compared to his wife's?

On the one hand it all seems so messy, but God has a purpose for every stage of our lives. He allows our bodies to give out gradually. In the 80's and 90's we lose our balance and fall frequently. We can't quite get to the bathroom in time and we feel so tired, needing daily naps.

Does all this deterioration happen for a reason--beyond just the sin curse?

Parents care for babies and young children despite the exhaustion and intensity, day and night. We all survive and hopefully our little ones stay out of trouble, if not thrive during these years.

Later, it reverses. Elderly parents need the same care from us that decades earlier they provided for us. Even down to the potty care, bath care, feeding care and settling them down for a nap.

Why this cycle? What is God's intention? After living separately for decades, suddenly parent and child are back together under one roof, sometimes with fear as to how it will turn out?

As I've talked to God about this, I think I'm hearing these words--redemption, amends, forgiveness, grace, mercy, gratitude.

Most of all, I think God wants Luther to finish well. The Lord began a work in Luther's heart years ago, but Luther was not always cooperative. He's stubborn as an ox, much like my sister-in-law and one of my own daughters (Mary).

As a father Luther was sharp-tongued and merciless with his children. As much as he could he ignored them, spending all his non-working hours in his garage, tinkering. My husband, his sister, and their mother walked around on egg shells, not knowing what would happen next with Luther's temper. There was frequent spanking, but probably not what we'd call abuse...emotional abuse, sure, but not physical.

In his defense I must add that Luther was raised by a mentally-challenged mother and no father at all. The circumstances of his birth and upbringing were tragic.

Now at age 90, as much as Luther may want the comfort and quiet of a retirement home, God may want him in the midst of family chaos and love.

God may want Luther to finally invest in someone's heart, despite the fear of failure. And similarly, the Lord may want someone to give Luther unconditional love, despite his rough edges. His wife and children despised him most of the time. Luther left his own mother when he was 16 to work and live on someone's farm, closer to the high school, and his mother disowned him for it.

Luther desperately needs a love he doesn't deserve. Like someone else I know? Like me? Like my husband and our children?

We are all the same...sinners in need of grace. We crave love above all. Love heals. Love redeems. Love changes the heart.

The Lord may want Luther to speak love into his children heart's for the first time, smoothing over past wounds. My husband can get in touch with the childhood pain easily, but he's forgiven his father. His sister hasn't.

The Lord may want all of us to swim in the pain of brokenness for a while, while he works to redeem the past and finish the work he began in Luther, while dealing with our sins at the same time. We may need to overlook a lot of harsh words, and Luther may need to overlook a lot of noise and chaos and messy family business.

Through it all each person sharing this roof will need to cling to the Father. Tightly. It will be, above all, a lesson in clinging to God. I've had lessons like that before--two miscarriages, job loss, three unpleasant medical diagnoses in my children. I look back on those trials without resentment, knowing that in those months I grew exponentially.

Please pray with me that Luther will finish well? That he will come to our home and live life messy with us? That he will let God redeem the past? That Luther would receive unconditional love here? That he would leave a strong legacy afterall, by the grace of a magnificent God?

Luther's is just one messy story in a sea of human brokenness. Every family, every descendant of Adam and Eve, has a messy story. The question is, what will we do with our messiness? 

Pray that in our home, and in yours, love wins...for the glory of God.

Psalm 66:10 You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver.

A Joyful Heart is Yours

The studies prove conclusive: grateful people are happier with their lives, have better relationships, are physically healthier, and are more optimistic about the future.

Sounds wonderful, but how do we get there?

First, we pray for a thankful state of mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

God commands us to be thankful, yes, but he never expects us to change on our own; He's always there by our side. Real heart change comes from the Holy Spirit, not from ourselves, so when we want change, we should first pray, then listen.

Along with prayer, we can start keeping a gratitude journal, which studies show produces positive results in just 10 weeks!

So don't just read someone else's gratitude journal, start your own and reap the benefits. 

The next thing we can do is make a practice of writing thank-you notes to all those who've blessed us in some way. I believe in this practice myself, but I need better discipline to keep up with it. That's where prayer comes in: I need to pray for the discipline and commitment. 

Armed with these suggestions, we're well on our way to a more grateful heart, but nothing will happen outside of careful planning. We have to plan for the quiet time to pray for thankfulness.

A consistent quiet time arises only through planning. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. The changes in our hearts will be hit or miss too. We get out of our relationship with the Lord only what we put into it.

So first thing, we need to sit down and think about our day. Where does prayer fit in? Are there other things that must go, to make room for quiet time? What idols are squeezing God out of our lives? Did we arrive at church yesterday with our Bibles, only to realize that we hadn't opened them since the previous Sunday? If so, we're missing out on so many gifts from a gracious God, gratitude being only one of them.

Exodus 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Deuteronomy 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Giving thanks today

Dear Father, thank you for these graces and blessings:

~ For the beautiful sunset last night.

~ That God will finish the work he started in us.

~ That it's never too late to start a love affair with the Lord our God.

~ For freedom from persecution here in America.

~ For the redemptive power of prayer.

~ For a gentle husband.

~ For the glory of God as seen in a firefly, in garden growth, in the birds that visit, in sunsets.

~ For a houseful of kids to love.

~ That kids can see the glory of God even in a pesky Japanese Beetle.

~ That Christians dare to love each other and sharpen each other in Him.

~ That even when the Gospel separates us from family, God satisfies our hearts. He is enough.

~ That my father-in-law, 90 years old, called here on Father's Day, after not speaking to us in 5 years (not answering calls, not opening letters). How we have prayed and prayed! He has undiagnosed OCD that rules a lot of his spiritual thoughts, and he's a whole lot of stubborn. Had my 11-year-old son not had OCD, I wouldn't have recognized it in husband's father. Their thought patterns are similar, but because of no diagnosis or treatment, the father's is far worse. At his age he wouldn't be open to a discussion about OCD.

I pray we can care for him soon, but he thinks it's too cold for his arthritis here and may opt for assisted living near his home in Florida. He lives alone right now and has since his forties. My husband's mother was killed in an auto accident when husband was just 16 years old, and his father never remarried. Having been raised by a mentally-challenged mother, he had no model for love or graciousness. He's hurt more than he's helped his kids, but my husband carries no grudge and is gentle and loving with his father.

I pray that we can speak Jesus' love into his heart in his last days, giving him peace and hope. He brought his family up in Bible-teaching Baptist churches and we thank he's a Christian, but the OCD distorts so much of his core beliefs.

I want to encourage you: when you're praying for something for a very long time, it's hard to keep the faith. I know. But recently our prayers about my headaches have been answered, and now this prayer about my father-in-law contacting us has been answered. Always keep track of the answers, and never give up.

My own parents and siblings have yet to be saved and are as hostile as ever to the Gospel, but I know an answer can come at any time.

Our Lord is always there, working it out for His glory...on His timetable.

Bless you friends. I pray you have a beauty-filled week!

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A Mom Gone Wrong, A Redemptive Prayer

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD. Psalm 31:24

I wear so many hats it makes me dizzy sometimes.

counselor
Bible teacher
mom
wife
cook
barber
beautician
lover
academic teacher
time manager
referee
daughter
nurse
laundry maid
housekeeper
accountant
financial analyst
grocery shopper
bargain hunter

Cutting boys' hair at 9:00 PM tonight, after a long day, I couldn't believe the emotional and mental exhaustion. After snipping the last section of hair, I felt empty.

Nothing left to give.

And then they were brushing their teeth--silence was almost mine.

One impulsive son played with a battery-operated toothbrush just for fun, earlier in the day, leaving it on the floor.

Once we found it, I had to disinfect it, delaying my much needed "break".

And I went ballistic. "That's one of the stupidest things you've ever done! You know how expensive batteries are...and how could you leave someone's toothbrush on the floor?"

I felt rushed because it was late, and desperate for alone time. My fault for starting on hair too late; I'm not good at it and it always takes longer than anticipated.

I didn't say I was good at all the hats listed above, just that I had to wear them.

Stupid is a word you should never use while parenting...especially to an ADHD child, because they already feel inadequate half the time. Lack of impulse control and poor judgement are part of their lives until they take their last breath, unless the miraculous happens.

Healing.

Outside of healing, living with ADHD is a constant begging for grace...on everyone's part.

Hidden learning disabilities are tough. People who look perfectly normal are expected to act perfectly normal. Even I forget sometimes and expect too much.

Expecting too little is as dangerous as expecting too much and finding that balance makes me dizzy.

The more children God gives you, the more exhausted you are at the end of the day. That's not rocket science.

And when God gives you special-needs children, the exhaustion compounds, just as the blessings do.

What to do?

What to do when the circumstances God gifts you with render you a failure?

We have too little support. As in, almost none. My husband's hours are too long. He worked all day today, Saturday, because when Beth goes for surgery in 11 days I'll be in the hospital with her for 23 hours, meaning husband will lose pay as he cares for our other 3 children. He had to make up for that.

Twenty-three hours is not a typical stay for having tonsils and adenoids out, but she's at risk for bleeding due to her arthritis meds, even though she'll take a ten-day break from them before surgery and after.

What to do when you can't possibly wear all the hats well? What to do when you say the word stupid in the context of parenting? What to do when you know your own imperfections sometimes hurt your children, and will continue to?

I may think I'll never say stupid again. My heart may be to never utter it again.

But something else, in the future, will occur at the peak of my emotional exhaustion. Something senseless and wasteful and...well...stupid.

My face will radiate ugly and my words will sting.

It's an ugly truth.

I can apologize.

I already did.

But what more? What more can I do to erase my sins and release well-balanced, loving, giving, thoughtful human beings into a hostile world that desperately needs Jesus? How can I release children who will be Jesus to a hurting, blind world?

I'm not perfect and I can't do this well and some of their memories will be sorrowful ones.

But I want to get this right! For the glory of God I want to get this right.

All is not lost because while I'm not perfect, I can offer something that is. And you can too.

Prayers.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." Isaiah 66:13

Prayers are perfect. They are perfect communion with the Healer and Redeemer and Lover of our soul. And a mother's prayers erase all the bad days.

A prayer is asking for help.
A prayer is acknowledging our failure and His sovereignty and perfection.
A prayer is an act of humility before God.
A prayer is a confession.
A prayer is a heart gone right.
A prayer is a hope, realized.
A prayer is a washing of our soul.
A prayer is a renewed mercy, a renewed grace.

A prayer is the perfect answer to life's every problem. Life's every imperfection and unfortunate circumstance.

Down on our knees, telling our innermost failures and asking that they be redeemed, that the blood of the Lamb would cover them. That God would favor us once again with His radical grace.

Favor me, please Lord, a mother in distress. A mother in over her head. Favor me, favor my children and my husband. Cover us and make something good of our messy lives.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Like the caterpillar wriggles beauty out of the chrysalis, wriggle beauty out of our hearts, Lord.

A metamorphosis of the heart. A total eclipse of brokenness. For your glory.

Always for your glory.

In Jesus name, Amen.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

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David's Sin With Bathsheba: A Broken, Contrite Spirit, Part 4

We've been studying David's sin with Bathsheba and while I've written it, God's taken me on a journey, as he so often does when I sit down to write about the Word. I've changed the title to better reflect that journey.

My first words in this series were typed with a heavy heart. I'd received a hurtful e-mail from a family member, toward whom I could not allow my heart to harden. More than anything I want this person saved.

Outside of prayer for God to perform a miraculous work of grace in her life, I only have loving kindness to offer toward her salvation. I can't save her, but I can let Jesus shine through me and I can hope. I can pray with faith.

God's voice was clear in what I had to do. "Do not harden your heart."

My response was a weary whine: "But how, God, when she keeps hurting me? I'm so weary of the hurt I'm ready to walk away."

When God directed me to study David and Bathsheba, I puzzled.

"Why that story?"

Even after three posts on this, I still wasn't sure how to tie it all together, but I knew that David's Psalm of repentance (Psalm 51) was key. What am I supposed to take away from that Psalm? Why did God have David write it?

Immediately in the story, after David confessed that he'd sinned against God, we read that God forgave him.


Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” 2 Samuel 12:13a

And Nathan said to David, “The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die.” 2 Samuel 12:13b

It's worth noting here that while God did forgive David, there were still dire consequences to David's sin, carried out by God. The newborn son born to Bathsheba died, shaming the couple (a baby son's death was considered a punishment from the Lord), and the sword never left David's house. David had a myriad of problems controlling his children later on, and one of his sons ended up killing his brother.

However, David and Bathsheba enjoyed a mutually good, close marriage. Bathsheba had every reason to hate David forever. Uriah was a good, faithful, honorable husband to Bathsheba and she loved him. Uriah wouldn't have brought shame on her the way David had done. If there was ever a hopeless marriage, this was it, but God redeemed it. Beauty from ashes. Bathsheba was David's favorite wife and God honored their union later on with the birth of Solomon.

Let's unpack some of this Psalm, which is shown in blue.

Psalm 51:
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. 

David knew God's promise from Exodus 34:6-7

Exodus 34:6–7: “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty.”

David knew that some would be forgiven, and others would not. He could only throw himself on the mercy of God, begging for his life. We have knowledge David didn't have. Christ on the cross, dying in our place. Cleansing us. But even though we know we'll be forgiven, we need to throw ourselves in humility at the foot of the cross, acknowledging sin, and asking for forgiveness and cleansing. This is the spirit God wants from us. A broken one, going to Him in desperation, knowing we cannot save ourselves.

Here's where the lesson gets personal for me, in regards to my pain over the hurtful e-mail. I need the cross as much as my relative does. Every day I need the cross, not just the first time I embraced it. I'm no better than an unsaved person and to allow my heart to harden at someone else's sin? That's ugly pride, not a broken and contrite spirit. I deserve death, as David did. 

But Christ.

We can avoid a hardened heart when we understand the magnitude of what we've been given. We deserve to be one of those in eternal hell, but God saved us.

This whole Psalm is beautiful because David doesn't take God's mercy for granted, as we New Testament Christians can easily do. 

Psalm 51, cont.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. 

All sin is against God, first and foremost. Sin is a belittling attack on God.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. “Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from blood guiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (emphasis mine)

We know from the bold blue verses that David understands this: God has broken him. Broken his spirit. Made him poor in spirit, in fact, as we read in the Beatitudes. Matthew 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

God loves the poor in spirit. We read it here, too: Isaiah 66:2 Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.

And here too: Revelation 3:17 You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. (emphasis mine)

 

Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I want to close this study with some words from John Piper:

Being a Christian means being broken and contrite. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you get beyond this in this life. It marks the life of God’s happy children till they die. We are broken and contrite all the way home—unless sin gets the proud upper hand. Being broken and contrite is not against joy and praise and witness. It’s the flavor of Christian joy and praise and witness.

A broken and contrite spirit should be the flavor of our lives, then. When we grasp this, when we live this Psalm everyday, we begin to resemble the unstained bride God wants for His church.

 Ephesians 5:27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

This is foundational: The Lord does all the work to make us holy and blameless. We are desperate at the foot of the cross, unable to save or better ourselves. We are sinful, vile, spiritually dead, but he forgives us, fills us, and remakes us. Wow!

Let's not lose our awe, our thankfulness, or our tears over his mercy and grace toward us. 

David's Sin With Bathesheba: A Broken, Contrite Spirit, Part 3

Our last study ended with the prophet Nathan confronting David over his sins of adultery and murder. 

And we wondered, how would David respond? Would he order Nathan murdered? Would he deny he had relations with Bathsheba? Would he deny that he ordered her husband to be murdered? Would he cite the pressures of being King as an excuse? Would he claim he had been out on the battlefield too often? Would he say Bathesheba enticed him with her balcony bathing?

No, for the man after God's own heart remembered his first love...the LORD. David grieved as Nathan confronted him.

13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” (2 Samuel 12:13a)

David took full responsibility. Boldly he did so, knowing he would probably face death for his transgressions, as he himself suggested the death penalty for the evil man in Nathan's prized-lamb story.


And Nathan said to David, “The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die.” (2 Samuel 12:13b)

Psalm 51 is David's response to the Lord. We see him take full responsibility: "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is before me." (vs. 3) My Internet connection is failing on me, so we'll stop with David's Psalm of repentance for today. It's certainly meaty enough to reflect on for now.


51 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!


3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.

David is acknowledging the depravity of mankind here in verse 5, of which he is a part.

6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

"You delight in truth in the inward being"-- God will not tolerate our lying to ourselves about our iniquities. His Spirit teaches us Truth and we are responsible for acknowledging and confessing sin.


7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.


13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.


18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

David's Sin With Bathsheba: A Broken, Contrite Spirt, Part 2

Yesterday in Part 1 we found King David covering up his sin with Bathsheba by eventually ordering the death of her husband, Uriah, on the battlefield.

It's worth noting that the sins committed here were David's alone. The beautiful Bathsheba had every reason to expect that as she bathed on the balcony of her home, she had privacy. The King was supposed to be on the battlefield at the time. Moreover, when Bathsheba was summoned by lust-driven King David, she had no choice but to go, or risk death for refusing.

As we closed yesterday, we noted that our hearts are never hidden from God. The foolhardy King should have known better than to think he'd gotten away with these grievous sins.

The first time I read this story years ago, I thought, "What happened to the David from the Psalms!" 

David was a man after God's own heart, and now this? How did he get so far from God? Once he was free from Saul's wrath and no longer had to flee, did he need God less and spend less time praising and loving Him? 

Every life has seasons and in every season, He must reign.

Are we closest to God when we're suffering and furthest from him when things go smoothly? And when we're closest to His heart, do we sin less often and less seriously? Not that any sin is acceptable to God, but some sins involve many people, rendering the consequences farther reaching.

Having two special-needs children and other daily difficulties forces me in and out of prayer all day. Would I be so connected to God in the absence of daily struggle? I will continue to give thanks for hard hallelujahs, for I never want to stray from my Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

The Lord, exceedingly displeased at David's transgressions, sent Nathan to see the King.

2 Samuel 12: 1-12

12 And the Lord sent Nathan to David. He came to him and said to him, “There were two men in a certain city, the one rich and the other poor. 2 The rich man had very many flocks and herds, 3 but the poor man had nothing but one little ewe lamb, which he had bought. And he brought it up, and it grew up with him and with his children. It used to eat of his morsel and drink from his cup and lie in his arms, and it was like a daughter to him. 

4 Now there came a traveler to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take one of his own flock or herd to prepare for the guest who had come to him, but he took the poor man's lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him.” 

5 Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man, and he said to Nathan, “As the Lord lives, the man who has done this deserves to die, 6 and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.” 

⁷ Nathan said to David, “You are the man! Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul. ⁸ And I gave you your master's house and your master's wives into your arms and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. 

⁹ Why have you despised the word of the Lord, to do what is evil in his sight?You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and have taken his wife to be your wife and have killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. 

¹⁰ Now therefore the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.’

¹¹ Thus says the Lord, ‘Behold, I will raise up evil against you out of your own house. And I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun. ¹² For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun.’” scripture source here

Next up, we will study the defining moment in David's life. How will he respond? Will he pull the King card and have Nathan killed? Will he deny? 

When we're hurt by someone and let our pain give rise to coldness, resentment, or hate, will we justify our sin, citing the heart breaker's sin first? Will we deny it? Or cover it up?

How we respond to our sin--any sin in our life--represents a defining moment in our life too. The Bible is clear regarding forgiveness. We received it and we must extend it. 

Not so easy to do, is it, when the wounds go deep? When they span years?

If there are no current heart breakers in your life, what about your past? Are there people you've hardened your heart against? It can be a subtle hardening, such as not writing as much on the Christmas card, or not writing on it at all except a signature. Or it can be blatant, such as avoiding a family get-together your heart breaker may be at.

We all have someone, somewhere. Let us watch what David does and learn of him.

David's Sin With Bathsheba: A Broken, Contrite Spirit, Part 1

When someone breaks your heart, how do you respond? Do you lose sleep, tossing and turning and feeling sick to the stomach? Do you vacillate between crying out to the Lord for his loving Spirit, reciting the 23rd Psalm, and vowing to forsake the heart breaker forevermore?

Each time I get a hurtful e-mail from my mom, I get sick to my stomach and I can't concentrate. Sleep eludes me and I don't take good care of my family. When will it end, I wonder? When will the rejection and heartache stop?

I know my duty to love, even in the face of my enemies, but I feel too weak and sick to do anything but withdraw. It's not revenge, but self-preservation.

I want to feel good and do right by my family. I don't want to burden my husband or my children with my heartbreak. They can't understand the ache, though my husband tries very hard to empathize. Men can decide not to let something bother them. They compartmentalize well, generally speaking.

A woman, in contrast, doesn't put away her emotions like this. I can't demand my heart to stop hurting.

Sin can arise from a broken heart and as women, who feel deeply, we need to be especially aware of this. If we let it, a broken heart leads to bitterness and hate. And those sins, unconfessed and unforgiven, will impair our prayers, our walk with the Lord, and our witness.

At first, when it's still fresh, the wound plays over and over in our minds. Then, exhausted, we try to gain some equilibrium again. We move forward with the essential duties of life, gradually giving the heart breaker and the offense less and less of our mental and emotional time.

It's at this point that sin can take deep root. In trying to move on with our life, we forget the hard work of forgiveness.

Let's take a moment to distinguish between mercy and grace.

Extending mercy means we don't punish or take revenge on our heart breaker. Extending grace means we help them, give them other gifts of the heart, pray for them, and wish them well. Extending grace means we love them.

I think it's safe to think of forgiveness as loving someone without prejudice. This occurs as an act of grace, flowing from the Lord through us. 

I'm aware of this and of my potential sin in this vulnerable period, so today the Lord led me to study King David's fall from grace. Now, adultery has nothing to do with my broken heart or probably yours either, but there are valuable lessons to be learned about repentant hearts from studying David's story.

As you know, King David lay with Bathsheba while her husband was fighting in the King's army. When she told David she was with child, he sent for Uriah her husband, hoping Uriah would go home and lay with his wife, so that when the child was born, Uriah would think it his own.

But being a loyal soldier, Uriah didn't want to take that pleasure while other men were fighting hard in battle.

David then had Uriah over for dinner and got him drunk, hoping he would then go to his wife. But still, Uriah didn't go home. He controlled himself, despite his drunkenness.

Still desperate to hide his sin, David sent word to Joab his general to have Uriah put in the front lines of battle, so that he would be killed.

Yes, David was that desperate. And that sinful.

The deed done, David sighed with relief. After a proper mourning period, he took Bathsheba to be his wife, with no one the wiser, other than a couple servants he probably paid off.

But as we all know, we can't hide our hearts from God. He knows every detail. 

To be continued....

Giving Thanks Today:

~ The boys and Daddy having a grand day of sledding, coming back excited, refreshed and red-faced.

~ A husband's arms

~ A gracious Father

~ God's Holy Word

~ Psalms that soothe and heal

~ Prayer warriors to help us do battle against the enemy

~ A cured little girl. Mary only threw up once.

~ Still no nausea from Beth's chemo drug (taken for arthritis)

~ The Holy Spirit directing and guiding my heart

What are you thankful for today?

Day in the Life of a New Prayer Warrier, Week 4

Previous posts in this Day in the Life of a New Prayer Warrior series are here: part 1; part 2; part 3; part 4; part 5.

A Shifting of Weight...from me, to Him.

Wasted hours...so many wasted hours...spent worrying about my children, my parenting, over the past nine and a half years.  Yes, my oldest is 9.5 now.  How different these years would have been, had I started out as a prayer warrior!

Certainly I covered worrisome issues in prayer, but I spent far more time lamenting.  My ratio of lament to prayer was probably 4 to 1--four times as much lamenting as praying.

By the grace of God, that has changed!  Now approximately 28 days into a daily, disciplined prayer habit, a knee-jerk reaction is born.  A worrisome thought comes to me, and I handle it with prayer--snippets here and there as the thoughts come, and later at night, as part of my structured prayer.

The Spirit has so convinced me that I'm powerless without Him, and so convinced me that my part is to pray and then obey the Spirit's instructions......that I believe with my whole heart, my whole mind, this very important truth:

I'm walking in His will!  I'm an approved worker in Christ!


The future is His.  Today is His.  I'm at peace, because I'm doing my part.

The Power of Confession

Even when I fail, which I still do of course.....I find peace quickly through confession.  Confession--part of a daily prayer habit--is a constant humbling.  

Confession brings immediate forgiveness, an immediate fresh start.  The enemy loves to drag us down over every failure. His way is to bring an hour or a half-day's depression over a two-minute failure.  Can't control your sharp tongue with your children?

You stupid, no good, failure of a parent!  You don't even deserve these children.  You're ruining them.   

These whisperings are not of God. Defeat them, through immediate confession.

Remember that the only thing keeping us from a habit of confession, is a preoccupation with Satan's lies.  Drown his voice out....with Truth!


Choose humility and peace, through confession.


Improve Your Marriage Perk


Do you and your husband spend a lot of time--waste a lot of time--discussing each child's difficulties and failures?  Does it ever help...or just drag you down...drag your relationship down, as you argue over what should be done?

Sadly, we used to do this.  With a special-needs child in our midst, and another entering a heavy whining phase (4.5-year-old Mary), together with an into-everything 2-year-old, and a 7-year-old who suffers from moderate insomnia, perfectionism, and a picky-eating habit.......well, we always had plenty to discuss.

And due to second-shift hours, we have precious little time together...certainly none to waste.

Tense discussions about the kids can kill libidos, too, which is unhealthy on many levels.

Satan attacks marriages in many ways, and instigating arguing--drowning out prayer--is one of his favorite tactics. Don't succumb.

We've defeated this unhealthy cycle by a consistent, three-times weekly husband/wife prayer habit.  We're doing our part.  The answers will come to us, through the Spirit.  We just have to be on alert for His instructions.

Pray....and walk away.

That's my new self-speak.  Pray...and walk away.

A life without consistent prayer stalls you, keeps you spinning....rather than moving forward.

Pray....and walk away.  Walk away from pain, depression, failure, lies.  Walk away from stagnant Christianity.