Parenting Tweens and Teens in a Sin-soaked Culture

He was never much of a snuggler, my Peter. At 9 months old he learned to toddle. My lap and arms were no longer a major attraction; he lived to explore, loving the outdoors most of all.

Years went by, my heart struggling to remember his brief babyhood. He would sit next to me while I read to him, all these years, but snuggling held no interest for him.

Who knew that at age 11 things would change?

My boy now needs to snuggle. This was the last thing I imagined happening, but the Holy Spirit quickly prepared me.

Don't pull away, deeming him too old for parental affection...doing so is dangerous.

I remember hugging the few guys who took me on dates in my twenties. They walked me to my door afterwards and if I thought they were sweet, I hugged them...not because I wanted anything to happen, but because I was starved for affection. Absolutely starved.

Tweens and teens are starved for affection too. They've grown to need it, even if they didn't as youngsters. The problem is that right about this time, parents tend to withdraw physically from their maturing children. It suddenly feels strange to hug them, tall as they are.

11-year-old Peter is only 5 inches shorter than me. Eighteen months from now I fully expect to look up at him.

What then? Do I still snuggle with him, letting him lean against me as I read? Do I walk up and hug him spontaneously?

You bet.

Our children have the fight of their lives, growing up in this sin-soaked culture. Let's not make it harder than it has to be by pulling away, either physically or emotionally.

Aggressive girls, clueless boys, by Dennis Rainey of Family Life?

 

It arrived in the mail today and I'm already on page 35. I'm scared by what lurks out there for my son.

The book begins:

It was just a routine check. When Susan and Tom gave thirteen-year-old Josh his first cell phone, they told him they would occasionally look through his text messages. But Susan was completely unprepared for what she found that Saturday morning.

She waded through a couple hundred short, inane messages, more than slightly confused by the shorthand that kids use when texting. She was struck by the fact that Josh and his friends seemed to text each other more than they actually talked. And then something different popped up. There was no confusion about this message: "If you could have s*x with me, would you?" Aggressive girls, clueless boys, pg. 3

Later in the chapter, Dennis Rainey takes the reader back to Susan's and Tom's situation.

Tom and Susan, the parents in the story at the beginning of this chapter, found themselves dropped in the middle of a minefield. Their son, Josh, had never even been on a date, so they were shocked to find that he had become sexually active. When they met with Josh and told him that they knew what was going on, he tried to deny the extent of his involvement. But the evidence was clear, and he finally admitted what he had done.

Tom and Susan immediately took away Josh's cell phone, shut down his Facebook page, and grounded him from going out with friends for a period of time. They made sure he kept busy with school and sports, so that he wouldn't have idle time. And they moved him out of his downstairs bedroom into a room upstairs with his little brother.

The wounds were still fresh when Susan related the story. "Josh knows this isn't what God wants for him." But the future seems unclear. How do you restore a child to a path of purity after he's already lost his virginity...at age thirteen? They are praying that God will use the experience for good in Josh's life.

"I wish we had known these things were going on," Susan said. "I wish we would have been more prepared."

My heart aches for this couple and I know one thing for sure. I don't want to be in their shoes...ever. 

My four children were a gift to me and I will not let them down. I will not be busy with other things while they make big mistakes. I will not give them a cell phone, or a computer in their room, or any other access to unsupervised Internet. They will meet with their friends in our home, or in the homes of other kindred-spirit Christians with whom we have frequent, trusting contact.

Reading the Bible, having discussions? Buying Family Life's Passport 2 Purity?



They are not enough. We need to parent our tweens and teens as carefully as we parented our into-everything toddlers. There's nothing wrong with firm, safe boundaries. There's nothing wrong with giving up our time, to invest in our children's hearts.

Dear Lord, let me never say these words..."I wish I had known theses things were going on. I wish we had been more prepared."

Prepare us, Lord. Prepare us to shape their hearts and escort them into maturity. May we lead them to the Cross, to Your strength, as they battle against a sin-soaked, distracted culture. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Multitude Monday: Our Purpose

Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I think it no accident that I receive the greatest rush of purpose in my life, when I am bearing another's burdens.

These burdens, they bring tears and despair and my heart breaks as I bear them. But along with that grief comes Life Abundant. When Perfect Purpose is lived out, Perfect Peace settles in.

Bearing burdens is the life that Christ modeled through his ministry and at the end, on the Cross itself. He bore it all.

This is the life He called us to...Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 

The burdens take on many different forms, from chronic disease and pain, to grief and loss, to poverty and loneliness, to the consequences of sin. 

As the Redeemed, this makes up our daily work. We don't live for ourselves, but for others. We live to bear pain sacrificially as He did, and in doing so, our hearts grow to resemble His. Our hearts deliver mercy and grace; they bring healing to the suffering, deliverance to the oppressed.

My inward peace and joy are never greater than when I live out this Purpose. It used to be, before Christ redeemed and discipled me, that my purpose was to maximize my leisure time with my family. Leisure time is where life is lived, and the rest is all just work, right? 

Wrong. 

My soul and your soul ache to do two things. 1. Fellowship with God; 2. Bear one another's burdens.

Matthew 22:37-40 source here

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

As I've committed more and more to intercessory prayer and to being there for others, I've felt an inner peace rise to heights I've not known before. This is no accident. This is what God intended as the author of my soul. 

Side note: I'm not called to bear burdens in an unhealthy way, allowing myself to be taken advantage of as I allow someone else to remain in sin and bondage. Enabling sin is participating in the sin. Bearing a burden is not the same as enabling an addict (whatever their addiction may be), and we should always pray that God gives us discernment as we serve others.

Giving thanks today, on this Multitude Monday:

I have just one today and it stands alone beautifully! My friend Tesha is pregnant! My soul rejoices! He is faithful! There is joy in the morning, a time when mourning turns into dancing, a time to laugh and a time to cry. Let the dancing and laughing and rejoicing start now! Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

Congratulations, Tesha, my friend.

Thankful Thursday: Blessing Others

Newly pregnant with my girls, I experienced pervasive morning sickness for about ten weeks (not much actual vomiting, but a 24-hour-a-day nausea with no appetite). I became more and more depressed and nauseous as my little boys expended their normal energy and I couldn't keep up. Or slow them down. 

The condition is aggravated by stress so the more they ran around, the worse I felt.

Each of my pregnancies affected my husband's work life; he had to modify his hours to help me, both in the beginning, and at the end when the blood pressure problems arrived.

He cried at the ultrasounds and at the births, and when he held our new babies, but every time I announced a new pregnancy, his countenance fell.

Oh, no. Not that stress again.

We didn't have enough support, partially because so many women work nowadays...even older women.

As I reclined on my couch, my stomach teasing me, I pleaded with God to make my boys slow down and watch PBS. We had cable at that time but I don't remember it helping.

I remember vowing to God...If I ever know someone going through this, I will not turn away or be too busy to help. I will be your grace. Your love with skin on.

The pastor of the AWANA church has a pregnant wife and an active, exceptionally adorable 4-year-old boy named Haddon. I've had him in AWANA Cubbies for verse time all this year. I couldn't love him any more than I do...but I'm sure I will. 

If I'd married younger and my husband agreed, I would have had ten children at least. I love a large brood.

Anyhow, what I mean to say is...I offered my help to this couple and they've accepted, though I don't know how often yet. Pastor said last night that he'd give us a couple days notice and not just call on a whim, saying he was bringing Haddon over.

But last night I thought a lot about hospitality. Opening my home to help means it needs to be open anytime (except on physical therapy day). Hospitality isn't letting someone worry about giving 48-hour notice.

I'm trying to get myself on a stricter schedule so I'm ready at any time. Haddon will fit right in with my kids, especially since we all think he's the most wonderful little boy. Everything he says tickles us silly and we find even his stuttering problem very endearing.

God has spoken again to me about organization. Blessing others--being Jesus with skin on--is far easier when we run our own lives efficiently. The more time I take for my interests, like blogging or reading, the less time I can give to others. The more activities I get my children involved with, the same is true--the less time we have to bless others and the less my children grow up valuing service.

The Lord puts together opportunities for my children; I don't have to chase them. The piano just landed in our laps and Paul plays beautifully learning from quality books on his own.

Our friend Dean from California does woodworking, for example, and Peter has developed an interest in building his own birdhouses. No class required! Dean loves to help others and he needs the company and the home-cooked meals, as much as Peter needs the training with tools.

Now back to the Holy Spirit's voice on organization...in order to give God his due time, I have to compartmentalize and prioritize better.

I don't want to offer up just my prayer and Bible reading time, but also time to bless others, especially when it flows naturally from my care of my own children. My four benefit from our Saturday Children's Bible Study too, so I'm not taking away from my own as I bless other children. The same will be true when Haddon spends time with us.

The Lord pours into us vertically so we can use our overflowing hearts to bless others. His love isn't meant to be hidden in our hearts, but to be exposed and expressed outwardly. 

We never help anyone in our own strength. He equips us.

The most important lesson I had to learn--coming from a broken Catholic tradition and finally learning about a personal relationship with Jesus--is that I wasn't supposed to try and be a good girl all on my own, frustrating my heart and spiraling into defeat.

Yes, God asks us to be Holy. But that holiness flows through Him into us...as Grace.

Giving thanks today...

Thank you, Father...

...that Beth's arthritis is finally responding to the methotrexate and her therapy schedule may be reduced soon. Yippee! My girl is running around like a champ!

...that Lexie walked back into our lives yesterday, with hugs all around. Peter's OCD drives him crazy around girls because he now feels, at age 11, a physical attraction. The OCD voice tells him he's sinning because of this attraction, so Lexie had to chase him around the couch to give him a hug. He finally consented because I said it's okay to hug someone you haven't seen in a long while. He's a handsome, kind boy and more than one girl pays attention chases him, much to his despair. See book below, which we plan on reading.

Yes, a big prayer request...that the OCD will go away for good. I'm all for keeping contact to a minimum and pushing courtship rather than dating, but I don't want Peter feeling this awful, distorted OCD angst. Martin Luther, father of the Reformation, felt this same OCD religious distortion and praise God, it saved us from the wrong direction the Church was going. God used Luther's suffering for His glory.

With tween girls entering puberty, what defense does your young son have against their brazen pursuit? Give him the courage and knowledge to protect his purity. Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys, offers seven guided conversations, what-if scenarios, and honest responses to difficult questions that will help your child set boundaries. Also includes questions to ask your daughter. Synopsis from Christian book.com (purchase here)

Lexie's grandfather and her mother still have not reconciled (she's not moving back in with her grandparents), but she will be able to spend some nights with them, even coming to our Saturday Children's Bible Study some of the time.

She quickly made herself at home, helping me whip up chocolate chip cookie bars for the hungry AWANA Cubbies, then thoroughly licking the bowl.

...for a warm husband to hug on winter nights.

...for sweet AWANA Cubbies to delight me on Wednesday nights.

...for blessed hugs from my children.

...for brand-new coats from Goodwill for my girls, tags still on. It's been a nightmare year, keeping these kids in coats. I'll spare you the seam-ripping details.

What are you thankful for today?

Walk in His Grace, Momma

I wake up on a Saturday with many things to do. A house to prepare for a 3:00 PM Children's Bible study; a few things to write on chart paper as part of my lesson; a baked snack to whip up.

Up first is 4-year-old Beth, who wants to read a lift-the-flap book with Mommy.

We must own at least four of the detailed-type lift-the-flap books and all of them make up my least favorite reading material. I like a story or a rhyme with a few flaps, but going slowly through many flaps, looking for this and that? It's a maternal sacrifice.

I know how much it would mean to her but I think of the time and how much I have to do and I lament that parenting is so hard.

Perhaps a mother's most difficult task is to make the right choices with her time. Growing up I don't remember more than two significant conversations with my mother, though I know I was loved. There was the house and the meals and sometimes she worked outside the home. She was a doer and like all of us, she had her demons. She was human.

Life rolled along, the calendar always announcing a new year. At 18 I left for the college dorm.

I don't begrudge my upbringing at all, especially since being a mom myself, I know how hard the moment to moment choices are.

But I have my own ideals, like my own mother surely had. I want my kids to look back and remember significant things about their relationship with their mother. I want them to feel invested in. I want to be more than someone who is always switching the laundry and sweeping the crumbs under the table, though those things are necessary.

I wrote about organization just the other day and that's why, this morning, with Beth hoping for a Little People Noah's Ark lift-the-flap book, I lamented.

If I take the time to do this, something else will be neglected.

How do I make the right choices?

As if on cue, the Holy Spirit brought my thoughts back to something I read in preparation for Bible Study, from the Jesus Storybook Bible Notes for Teachers on the Text.

Second, we learn here of the interior nature of sin. Genesis 6:5 says, "Every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time." 

Sin is primarily a matter of the heart. If we focus too much on behavioral violations, we will miss the internal forms of sin. Sin is first a matter of attitude and motives, and it can influence and grow even before it has broken out into behavior.

I read with Beth, leaving the preparatory tasks for later, because the answer came to me. It's a matter of the heart and of sin, which choice we make. The right choice is always the pure in heart choice. 

Scurrying around making the house perfect for a Bible Study is about me looking good as a homemaker. If my motive is about me, is it usually pure?

And a heart that sees clearly, feels purely? It comes from prayer and Scripture reading. If at each juncture I pray about my choices, and if I'm faithfully washing my heart with the Word daily or mostly daily, I am walking in His will and I can choose in freedom.

Jesus came to give Life, to give freedom, and the truth is written on the tablet of our hearts. The detailed Law spelling out meticulous behavior? It has passed away, gone since Jesus uttered in exhaustion on the cross, "It is finished". Gone since the curtain tore in the Temple and a quake shook the earth.

We only need behavior spelled out for us when we're under the Law instead of grace.

Walk in His Grace today, my mothering friend.

Best Thankful Thursday Ever

 

On this, a Thankful Thursday, I have a big blessing to share and I'm so excited about it!

That yucky old wrecked 1998 Toyota Sienna van? The one the police officers said was totaled for sure? They told me the insurance company would "low ball" us, giving the bare minimum. One police officer said, feeling sorry for me I think, "It will be hard to replace a family vehicle with what they'll give you."

But he doesn't know my God. Somehow, as soon as I pulled that wrecked car to the shoulder I knew this was a God thing. Even to the girl who hit me I chuckled, saying, "You probably did me a favor. This van probably doesn't have much life yet."
 
Still, when I looked up the Blue Book value for my van, I expected less than $2000 from the insurance company. The condition was certainly poor, with missing door handles, a missing inside door panel, broken air conditioning, a loud exhaust problem, a sluggish starter.....

So what an incredible blessing when husband told me the truth.

$4,600 for the van! Can you believe it? Not only will we be able to pay off husband's hernia surgery bill, and anesthesiology bill, in full, but there's something much more.

Long before Christmas we put a prayer in our jar. "Please God, may we be able to give family gifts to all our Compassion children?"

Christmas came and went and we could only give a meager amount. We kept praying, none of us knowing how God would possibly answer this prayer, but remembering He is faithful! We wanted to give $200 to each family, which could start a business, or buy a roof, or mattresses and bedding, kitchen supplies, large sacks of rice, beans, flour, a water purifier, clothes and shoes.....just sleeping through the night because of greater physical comfort is a huge blessing to Compassion children. It's not unusual to sleep on cardboard for some of these children, with a leaky roof over their heads. Appalling doesn't begin to cover it.

Of all the scenarios I played out in my mind, I never imagined an auto accident would be our answer. And do you know I haven't stopped praying for the girl who hit me? The Holy Spirit faithfully brings her to mind at least twice a day. She helped me, I'm helping her, and through the whole thing our Compassion children will be helped and only God gets the glory!

I knew as we prayed night after night that I wasn't called to take a graveyard job and upset our family and my own health, in order to give to our Compassion children. I knew it wouldn't be a burdening thing, this giving. I knew it would come from Him.

I close today with a quote from our friend Ann Voskamp. Her experiences remind me not to forget my people. Yes, God asks us to give, but not without equipping us first. 

Ann Voskamp from Haiti, Feb 20: It was when I had been here in Haiti in the peak blaze of last July, Johnny, our translator with Compassion, he had just told me how he had meandered out of the Hotel Montana when the deeps had roared quaking mad and blasted dust up the nape of his neck.

And I had turned to him and said it like an even madder fool: “What if you could ever just get out of here– get you and your family to the States?”

And he had looked me in the eye, and it’s what he said next that drilled right up my marrow: “I am Moses. I do not leave my kin.”

I am Moses and I do not leave my kin… and it doesn’t matter if you are born in the land of LCD screens and master ensuites and SUVs with leather seats and turkey with cranberries laid out on granite countertops —  When you’re the one who ends up in the palace, you don’t forget your people. Just ask Moses or Esther or Jesus.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own kin?“
~Isa. 58: 6-7

And that verse slams me to a stop:
The fast the Lord chooses? Is not to turn away from your kin.

The fast the Lord chooses is not to turn away from your kin, and I am Moses and I do not leave my kin, and and the bare bottom line is that if you are going to keep company with Jesus, you are going to have to give up keeping up with the Joneses. What could you want more than this?

What could you buy that is worth more than company with Jesus and your kin?

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