Yours Truly, a Weary Mom

Make me worthy of their kisses, Father?

The springs on the playroom jean couch, they are broken on one side and I came unglued and yelled about disobedience and lack of respect. They've been told over and over not to jump on the couch.

The master bedroom, which for now houses the only decent computer, was put in shambles by two exuberant boys who were following, via the Internet, a local university's basketball game.

I yelled about childishness and lack of respect and made them clean it up. I also banned them from the room for a week, except for when they do their math CD ROM. They've done this act before, too. They've been warned many a time, and again, consequences were handed out.

I'm feeling so low, but not for the reason you'd think. I don't think I'm a horrible mother--I may yell but I don't cuss or verbally abuse. I'm low because I'm exasperated at having to repeat myself. I'm plum exhausted.

1 Corinthians 3:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

We are responsible, my husband and me, through prayer and diligence, for making this scripture come alive in our children's lives. We can't simply yell and then get over it. We have to act and give consequences to force them to leave childhood behind.

For really, a child doesn't want to leave childhood, do they? Childhood is full of the magical and pressures are few. The parent has to nudge and encourage and even push, at appropriate ages.

It's a good work, but it's weary work. And sometimes I'm so weary I yell and stomp, for I see things that simply don't make sense to me. Why make this mess and then just walk out, as though you didn't notice it? Why simply walk out? Did you think I would clean it up for you, and don't you know me well enough by now?

We won't be replacing the couch and whoever sits on the right side will sink down considerably. Eventually, we'll junk it. And maybe that will remind them not to jump on the living room couch and so ruin its springs? It still looks great after nearly eight years, probably because we have a playroom.

It's not about the couch though. There's nothing fancy here and I'm not attached to furniture.

I find this job so very hard, this parenting. It's so hard to stay calm when they do ridiculous things, but at night after I've blown up and they're all asleep, I think about what I accomplished and how it would have sunk in more, had I said it all without shrieking.

When I yell, they're concentrating not on what I'm saying, but on my ugly-looking face and the stress their bodies are feeling at the strife...as I tell them how disappointed I am in their recklessness and selfishness. Most of the things I say are necessary, even if I'm long winded when angry. It's not really what I say, but the theatrics I employ. They're the unfortunate thing.

The days are long and I'm with them alone until 7:00 PM. I'm doing my best.

Seriously, I wish the Holy Spirit would put tape over my mouth. "Be slow to speak and slow to become angry" requires accompanying tape. Lord, may it be so? Will you please put invisible tape over my mouth, so that this scripture is illustrated in my life? I would keep it on until I've walked all around the house and prayed and prayed for the will to say what I have to say, and do what I have to do, without any theatrics.

I think of Jesus' theatrics when his Father's house was being used as a marketplace. He was righteously angry as he turned over tables and gave them a piece of his Holy mind.

Is it okay to employ theatrics when the offense is ridiculous enough, then? And which offenses qualify?

Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger

Is this the scripture for me tonight? Did I do wrong not in being angry, but in letting them fall asleep while I was still angry? It was a ten-minute anger, but then I was quiet and businesslike afterwards, not kissing or hugging anyone.

When I do wrong, I don't get yelled at. Not by my husband nor my Heavenly Father. My husband never, ever yells. Oh, Father, may I be more like You and him.

Search my heart, Oh Lord. Lend me your strength. Carry me through this task of boys to men, girls to ladies. I believe in my children even when they do ridiculous things. I believe in them because of You. I believe You will make them proper, responsible men and ladies. May I convey that well tomorrow, Lord? Will you convey that through me? Will you make me an instrument of your Grace, as I receive it myself and give thanks for it? May I also extend grace, please?

And, Father? Don't forget the tape?

Yours Truly,
a weary mom
 

I Am Not Skilled to Understand

He walked into the waiting room today, cane in hand, eye patch in place.

Reading this, you would think I'm speaking of an elderly gentleman? But no, I'm referring to a rheumatology patient at Children's Hospital, where we went today for Beth's JRA check-up.

Seeing a teen walking with a cane reminded me of how mild Beth's JRA is, compared to so many. This disease can affect fingers, toes, elbows, ankles, knees, jaw, neck...and the eyes. Some children have pain in many areas at once and they can't even bend to tie their shoes, or hope to direct swollen fingers to manage such a task.

I smiled at him, as the mother of another JRA patient is inclined to do. All these children deserve a smile and whatever more I can offer in the small space of time I spend with them in that waiting room.

Pleasantly, he smiled back and I marveled at his heart.

As he walked out with his mother, I wondered, what do the other teens at school say about his cane? Do they love on him, or do they snicker when he walks down the desk aisles?

Does he hope to catch a girl’s eye, and did he cry out in anger when a cane became the disease’s prop?

This boy’s cane and eye patch are just one example of the breadth and depth of human suffering I've seen this week.

There are those who simply cannot find work because their skills are antiquated or because they're over fifty or because they have multiple chronic issues like diabetes and bipolar. Or in some cases because they've been on so many interviews and been rejected so many times, they can no longer find hope. Hope lives on a mysterious street and Googling the driving directions doesn’t help.

A neighbor here, a father of four, still can’t find work; it’s been four months. Their van tire blew out and the mother wrote a note and sent it with two of her children, “Do you have a spare tire we can borrow so I can get to work and my children can get to school tomorrow, or can you drive them to school and pick them up?”

This note came after we had helped Compassion children, a friend, a relative, another neighbor. There are needs everywhere and we felt overwhelmed, reading this note. Don’t we have to save some money for our own car repairs, God?  Should we help them regardless, trusting tomorrow to you?

When I feel overwhelmed by giving, wondering what is prudent and what is generosity and how the two dance in harmony, I think of the manna in the desert. God wanted the Israelites to take what they needed for the day only. You mustn’t store up, he warned.

What an amazing concept and isn’t that just like God?

Answers are the same as the manna. God doesn’t want us knowing the answers for tomorrow…only for today.

My husband called around and found a new tire to fit their Dodge Caravan,but by the time we offered to buy it and arrange for it to be put on, they had already located a tire for $40.

Turns out, God just wanted us to be willing to part with our resources. He wanted us to pray for our daily bread and give today’s extra bread to a neighbor.

I am not skilled to understand. These words are from a Christian song. The name of the song and band escape me, but every time I hear it the words echo in my mind for hours. I am not skilled to understand.

God can put canes in the hands of teenagers. God can allow a man to go months or years without a job, so that he loses hope and loses a sense of who he is as a man. God can allow OCD to be so powerful in the mind that a good student can’t remember concepts studied for days and weeks. God can allow some spouses to die and others to betray. God can allow wombs to remain empty and mother hearts to break.

And then there’s grace.

The cane-carrying teenager feels like smiling. The downtrodden man has a new identity in Christ. The OCD nursing student passes the test by one point. The womb gives birth not to a baby, but to an experience of God’s love that inspires millions. The bloodied, dead sister lying on a farm driveway in Canada (Ann Voskamp’s little sister) leads to a book about gratitude that’s slowly changing a generation of Christians.

God is slowly changing me. His promises, they’re beginning to define me. As I take in the sights and sounds of a broken, hurting world, I’m more apt to think…there goes a testimony--rather than, there goes a tragedy and how could God allow it?

I am not skilled to understand.

But my heart knows its task...Obedience.

My soul knows its purpose...Worship.

I wake up and I know how to live and I know why I live and sometimes, by his grace, I love well. And I rejoice at the wonder of this. I rejoice at the wonder of Him choosing to reveal himself to my heart.

My life is wonder-ful because of Him.

I praise you, Lord, for what you're going to show me tomorrow.

 

 

A Parenting Prayer: The Gift of His Favor

The other day, reading some reviews of Christian purity materials, I came across a mother who wrote:

"I used this material with both my daughters, one of whom reached her marriage bed still pure. The other daughter decided not to wait."

She still recommended the material, but I could feel her wounded heart. I'm sure she was forgiving of her daughter, but it still hurts when they choose the wrong path. We never know if they'll stray, or for how long and with what consequences.

We can have the best intentions and read the best materials, but we're still imperfect parents with great days and awful days and many in-between days. It's like the slightly sighted leading the blind.

How do we find the Light and stay in the light? How do we direct them to the Light and keep them on its straight and narrow path, even while we stray at times ourselves?

I lay awake last night after calming a dreaming child.

In the next bed over lay my sleeping Mary, my stubborn one. Oh, how my heart worries over her! Her kisses melt me, her hugs delight, but her stubborn ways frighten me daily. Will she be the one who decides not to wait? Will she be like the stubborn relative on Daddy's side, practically her twin emotionally? Will she pick and choose what she wants to obey in the Bible, stubbornly having it her way?

A teachable heart is not always discernible in her, though I know the Holy Spirit works in the recesses of her soul. For sometimes, much later, she comes up to apologize. It's so hard for her to admit when she's wrong; the confession part of our prayer time really challenges her.

I lay there, praying for her. Pleading with the Father to keep her in the Light. I prayed for a loving, close relationship with her, so as not to provoke her. My reactions will make or break it for the two of us, as the years pass. The other day I read that: it is our loving relationship with our children that allows our teaching to penetrate their hearts.

And isn't this true of the Father's relationship with us? We follow Him readily because of His everlasting love?

A parent's prayers work like this: We pray for an ideal outcome and the Spirit changes our heart to make that outcome more likely. We think we're praying for change in our child, but really, the change must occur in us.

We help deliver His love and truth. We put hands and feet and heart to Biblical truth, making it real for our children. If I want my daughter to be submissive, sacrificial, gentle, humble...I must be those things first. My heart must be teachable because imperfect though I am, He can work wonders through me.

Every time I lay awake, worrying over a child, the truths swirl and whirl, making me dizzy. And I always come back to this:

Parenting is a prayer.

At the very least, the more we pray, the more grace we receive; I can't prove that but I can feel it. And grace is what we really want, what we really need, isn't it?

Forgive me Father...I am trying, but I can't be like you. Cover me. Cover my children. May we have the gift of your favor.

Parenting Tweens and Teens in a Sin-soaked Culture

He was never much of a snuggler, my Peter. At 9 months old he learned to toddle. My lap and arms were no longer a major attraction; he lived to explore, loving the outdoors most of all.

Years went by, my heart struggling to remember his brief babyhood. He would sit next to me while I read to him, all these years, but snuggling held no interest for him.

Who knew that at age 11 things would change?

My boy now needs to snuggle. This was the last thing I imagined happening, but the Holy Spirit quickly prepared me.

Don't pull away, deeming him too old for parental affection...doing so is dangerous.

I remember hugging the few guys who took me on dates in my twenties. They walked me to my door afterwards and if I thought they were sweet, I hugged them...not because I wanted anything to happen, but because I was starved for affection. Absolutely starved.

Tweens and teens are starved for affection too. They've grown to need it, even if they didn't as youngsters. The problem is that right about this time, parents tend to withdraw physically from their maturing children. It suddenly feels strange to hug them, tall as they are.

11-year-old Peter is only 5 inches shorter than me. Eighteen months from now I fully expect to look up at him.

What then? Do I still snuggle with him, letting him lean against me as I read? Do I walk up and hug him spontaneously?

You bet.

Our children have the fight of their lives, growing up in this sin-soaked culture. Let's not make it harder than it has to be by pulling away, either physically or emotionally.

Aggressive girls, clueless boys, by Dennis Rainey of Family Life?

 

It arrived in the mail today and I'm already on page 35. I'm scared by what lurks out there for my son.

The book begins:

It was just a routine check. When Susan and Tom gave thirteen-year-old Josh his first cell phone, they told him they would occasionally look through his text messages. But Susan was completely unprepared for what she found that Saturday morning.

She waded through a couple hundred short, inane messages, more than slightly confused by the shorthand that kids use when texting. She was struck by the fact that Josh and his friends seemed to text each other more than they actually talked. And then something different popped up. There was no confusion about this message: "If you could have s*x with me, would you?" Aggressive girls, clueless boys, pg. 3

Later in the chapter, Dennis Rainey takes the reader back to Susan's and Tom's situation.

Tom and Susan, the parents in the story at the beginning of this chapter, found themselves dropped in the middle of a minefield. Their son, Josh, had never even been on a date, so they were shocked to find that he had become sexually active. When they met with Josh and told him that they knew what was going on, he tried to deny the extent of his involvement. But the evidence was clear, and he finally admitted what he had done.

Tom and Susan immediately took away Josh's cell phone, shut down his Facebook page, and grounded him from going out with friends for a period of time. They made sure he kept busy with school and sports, so that he wouldn't have idle time. And they moved him out of his downstairs bedroom into a room upstairs with his little brother.

The wounds were still fresh when Susan related the story. "Josh knows this isn't what God wants for him." But the future seems unclear. How do you restore a child to a path of purity after he's already lost his virginity...at age thirteen? They are praying that God will use the experience for good in Josh's life.

"I wish we had known these things were going on," Susan said. "I wish we would have been more prepared."

My heart aches for this couple and I know one thing for sure. I don't want to be in their shoes...ever. 

My four children were a gift to me and I will not let them down. I will not be busy with other things while they make big mistakes. I will not give them a cell phone, or a computer in their room, or any other access to unsupervised Internet. They will meet with their friends in our home, or in the homes of other kindred-spirit Christians with whom we have frequent, trusting contact.

Reading the Bible, having discussions? Buying Family Life's Passport 2 Purity?



They are not enough. We need to parent our tweens and teens as carefully as we parented our into-everything toddlers. There's nothing wrong with firm, safe boundaries. There's nothing wrong with giving up our time, to invest in our children's hearts.

Dear Lord, let me never say these words..."I wish I had known theses things were going on. I wish we had been more prepared."

Prepare us, Lord. Prepare us to shape their hearts and escort them into maturity. May we lead them to the Cross, to Your strength, as they battle against a sin-soaked, distracted culture. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Multitude Monday: Our Purpose

Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I think it no accident that I receive the greatest rush of purpose in my life, when I am bearing another's burdens.

These burdens, they bring tears and despair and my heart breaks as I bear them. But along with that grief comes Life Abundant. When Perfect Purpose is lived out, Perfect Peace settles in.

Bearing burdens is the life that Christ modeled through his ministry and at the end, on the Cross itself. He bore it all.

This is the life He called us to...Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 

The burdens take on many different forms, from chronic disease and pain, to grief and loss, to poverty and loneliness, to the consequences of sin. 

As the Redeemed, this makes up our daily work. We don't live for ourselves, but for others. We live to bear pain sacrificially as He did, and in doing so, our hearts grow to resemble His. Our hearts deliver mercy and grace; they bring healing to the suffering, deliverance to the oppressed.

My inward peace and joy are never greater than when I live out this Purpose. It used to be, before Christ redeemed and discipled me, that my purpose was to maximize my leisure time with my family. Leisure time is where life is lived, and the rest is all just work, right? 

Wrong. 

My soul and your soul ache to do two things. 1. Fellowship with God; 2. Bear one another's burdens.

Matthew 22:37-40 source here

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

As I've committed more and more to intercessory prayer and to being there for others, I've felt an inner peace rise to heights I've not known before. This is no accident. This is what God intended as the author of my soul. 

Side note: I'm not called to bear burdens in an unhealthy way, allowing myself to be taken advantage of as I allow someone else to remain in sin and bondage. Enabling sin is participating in the sin. Bearing a burden is not the same as enabling an addict (whatever their addiction may be), and we should always pray that God gives us discernment as we serve others.

Giving thanks today, on this Multitude Monday:

I have just one today and it stands alone beautifully! My friend Tesha is pregnant! My soul rejoices! He is faithful! There is joy in the morning, a time when mourning turns into dancing, a time to laugh and a time to cry. Let the dancing and laughing and rejoicing start now! Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

Congratulations, Tesha, my friend.