When A Mother Worries

Do you worry, dear reader friend? If so than sit with me a spell and let's work this out, spiritually speaking?

I've written several posts over the years about parents worrying over their children. They were written by necessity as I processed things in my own life. At times I'm gripped with fear about my sons' futures, and less often, about my daughters' futures.

Sons have to support families and in this recession-gripped economy it's becoming harder to make ends meet. Everywhere I see struggle, and even in traditionally safe fields, like education, it's becoming harder to secure permanent employment. A relative of mine earned a teaching credential 18 months ago and still struggles to get by on low-pay, high-hour positions while waiting for an open permanent position. She's not in a position to pack up and move to a state that boasts ample opportunities for teachers.

And this person has no mental or physical handicaps.

My older son has a few handicaps and my younger son has changed much in the past year. Always happy-go-lucky and independent in the past, he's become depressive at times and quite needy. It could be a lot of things, including that depression runs in both sides of the family.

As much as my heart has ached at this change in him, I still considered him fully job capable, until more recently when giddiness began to alternate with the depressive episodes. I haven't and won't say anything to him about what's happening to his personality, until he expresses a desire to know why he's so different.

Maybe it's hormones or that at about age 9, children began to notice the brokenness in the world and lose their child-like innocence. Having one's eyes opened to the sin condition and all that it entails, is depressing.

Growing up can be painful.

I feel that assigning a medical or psychological label to a child or an adult is counterproductive...unless they start to blame themselves for their struggles. When that point comes, it's kinder to educate them about the possibilities. Undiagnosed conditions can lead to powerful failure complexes.

My son has a cousin on both sides of the family with bipolar, which is characterized by depressive episodes alternating with giddy, euphoric, hyperactive episodes. When my son's giddiness comes I can't help but wonder about bipolar. And immediately, I panic and walk around in a daze, wondering how this can possibly be happening to us.

I haven't mentioned it to the pediatrician and I probably won't for a while. Right now I'm observing and praying and supporting, without revealing anything.

Two sons with very serious conditions? Conditions that are annoying for all and hard to live around? Why are we so cursed and will my sons find jobs that work with these issues? And will they blame God and will their faith weaken, as they try to make it in a very competitive world?

Their own father is also affected by depression and other difficulties and his work life has been profoundly impacted and we struggle. The spiritual benefits of the struggling have been great, so I'm not complaining. If God is going to make me more like Him, I'm happy to give him free reign over my circumstances. He knows what He's doing, yes?

Yes, yes and yes.

But do I want constant struggle for my sons and their wives and children...if they even get married? I don't know. That seems to go against natural parental feeling, though I know that every person struggles with something and I can't protect my children from the human condition.

But can you imagine why I want to run down the street sometimes, screaming: I can't believe this is happening!

My sons will probably have at least one child of their own similarly affected, because that's the way genes work; mental conditions are highly heritable.

I have a friend who has a son with severe OCD and a brother with schizophrenia. She grew up with this brother and saw him struggle as a child and adult. He only survives financially because of a subsidized apartment and disability benefits. While I don't begrudge him for this help, I certainly don't want that for my sons, and my friend feels the same about her own son. She wonders, will he be able to hold down a well-paying job, despite the five medications and the OCD that won't let up?

I have another friend whose 18-year-old daughter has ADHD, severe depression, cutting episodes, and anorexia nervosa. She tells me just waking her daughter up in the morning sucks the life out of her, it's so stressful.

What my friends and I need constant reminders of, and maybe you too, reader friend, if you worry about your children, is this:

Isaiah 55:8
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

We worry whether our children will make it as adults...if they will be capable of caring for themselves as well as others. Will they know the joy of having a family? Will their spouse despise them for their difficulties, or will the spouse shower their lives with grace, reflecting Him? Will the spouse say I've had enough and leave, bringing the shame of divorce?

Our task as Christian mothers is to take each such thought and continually throw it in the garbage. These are not the Lord's thoughts. He doesn't see it our way...thinking about whether our children will experience success or not.

For what is success to the Lord? Another soul saved. Another moment of Glory revealed.

Scripture tells us how the Lord's glory shines. Through our weaknesses. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

For over 2000 years the world has been without the benefit of Jesus walking the earth, doing miracles and bringing people to himself personally.

He's been bringing people to himself spiritually, by revealing his existence and power through our weaknesses. We can tell someone about Jesus and sometimes that is enough, but more powerful is when our circumstances, our testimony, tells others about Jesus.

In the middle of the night last night when the worry and sadness felt paralyzing, He taught me anew. Your problem, dear woman, is your thoughts. Not your sons' difficulties.

Yes, yes, yes...of course. It's my way of seeing my circumstances and problems, not the circumstances or problems themselves.

Your sons' weaknesses are my opportunity to shine, He teaches.

Rejoice in that, can you, He asks me? Can you give me your life so fully that you learn to rejoice over My plans, even when they thrwart your human reasoning?

When we get to the end of ourselves, when we get to a despair that is so crippling we have to literally crawl to the throne of grace, we become useful. Yes, useful. God was working all the time to get us there, asking us to trust Him implicitly.

My sons? Their difficulties mean they will be more willing to crawl to that throne of grace over and over. When we view it that way, when we view it as the Lord does, are handicaps a weakness or a strength?

I'll leave you to ponder that.

And I pray that we all, as Christian mothers, crawl to the throne of grace readily so God can use us mightily in our children's lives.

Giving Thanks Today:

Thank you, Lord, for these blessings and graces:

~ For a husband who joyfully gives his time to each child.

~ For children who listen to my thoughts about the Lord.

~ For growing faith...trials don't allow faith to grow stagnant, thank the Lord.

~ For other mothers who share my burdens and understand.

~ For the throne of grace, always available, always beckoning.

~ For a Heavenly Father who gently pulls me back into his embrace and wisdom, even in the middle of the night. 

~ For my 4-year-old daughter's endearing ways. I love age 4!

~ For sunshine.

~ For tulips coloring my world and fresh new leaves on the trees and brilliant green grass all around.

~ For my Mary's love and sweetness.

~ For my boys' bravery, trying to find their way in a confusing world.

~ For my boys' desire to have their friends come to faith.

~ For the sprinklings of grace that happen many times a day.
 

~ For that harmless snake from our backyard, bringing so much joy to my Peter. He marveled at the way that snake wrapped around his hand, as though an old friend.

~ For my son Paul's love of maps and geography and art. Relaxation for him is drawing up a new map or reading statistics about each state's characteristics. I thank the Lord my boy has passions that can still pull him away from darkness.

What are you thankful for today, my friend?

Let's Talk Blogs

Let's talk blogs, shall we?

I have a number of blogs on my sidebar but I keep up with just a fraction. Around here there are too many children and too much laundry to do otherwise.

On a side note, loin cloths like they wear in the jungle seem awfully appealing right now. How long would it take to wash six loin cloths per day? And due to the humidity, they sleep on hammocks not on bedding.

Hmmm.

But this is Ohio not the Amazon so I'll get back on topic now.

My friends' and fellow homeschooler blogs are the first I read; I get to the others only a few times a month.

If you're a blog lover you know the different types out there and you probably have specific reasons for keeping up with each one, even if it's just to see how a particular family fares.

And you probably have specific things that turn you off for good, too. One of those for me are numerous buttons asking me to follow on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram...ad nauseam. Sometimes those appear before any content and the blog has to be very good otherwise to get me past this.

The ads used to bother me but this growing number of follow buttons really annoy. As if we need yet another distraction...

I dislike the aggressive tactics, reasoning that God is perfectly capable of bringing an audience to a blog, if He so desires, no matter what the marketing experts may teach at blog conferences.

Book publishers demand a social media following nowadays to boost their profit margins, so bloggers-who-hope-to-be-print-authors are thinking ahead with these buttons, no doubt.

I guess I'm not ambitious enough to get on board, but I do have enough in my head to put in a book some day. Hopefully by then things will have changed, since it will be years before my children's growth stages will allow me to write a book

And too, I believe as with pastors and actors, writers have the skill or talent either to appeal to large audiences or smaller ones. God can change that, but can audience-begging buttons?

Granted, some people use blogging to run online businesses and I get that. I know the various social mediums spread information like wildfires, usually without overhead costs.

Today I want to warn all of us about the Perfectly Produced blog. I use the word produce because that's what they do for major motion pictures. They decide on the impression they're after and the director does take after take until it's just right.

The Perfectly Produced blog can be about any topic, but the aim is to present perfection. For example, one sees a nice, orderly, perfectly clean house. No laundry anywhere. The children are perfect geniuses without any issues. The mother does it all, perfectly. The husband is never mentioned other than to announce his perfect job...as though the husband's worth lay in just that: his job.

Because these blogs never waver from their image, they deceive us, either knowingly or blindly. Read them for what you can glean, but always keep in mind...perfection doesn't exist.

Behind the production scene are real people. Broken people in need of daily redemption and daily grace. The brokenness might be in the relationships, in the bodies, in the neurotransmitters, in the alcohol or drug abuse, in the finances or in the heart. But it's surely there...a well-kept secret.

Certainly there are mini-cultures and families who feel it's inappropriate to share any brokenness. To do so is in poor taste, in their opinion. On the West Coast real life is shared more readily than on the more-reserved Midwestern and Eastern parts of our country. I moved from California to Ohio in August 2005, and I'm still learning the emotional landscape here.

People in Ohio have more roots; they move less and they chase possessions less. They're friendly and often down-to-earth, but they like to suffer privately or with just their families.

These differences are acceptable and cultural. I don't see the reserved person as hiding something so much as reserving it for a few.

But the Perfectly Produced blog? It's deception. Read it at your own risk and don't let it rob you of your contentment or your gratitude. And consider this: your problems may be small potatoes next to their secrets.

Balance your perfectly-produced blog reading with blogs that present real life showered in grace.

Grace is beautiful, real, and attainable.

Pray for it, celebrate it, advertise it. It allows the real star to shine...Jesus Christ our Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:5
For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  

Philippians 2:10
So that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.         

    
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Homeschool Mother's Journal, April 26

 
In my life this week…

I've been somewhat anxious, waiting for the rheumatology check-up this week for my 4-year-old daughter, Beth, who suffers from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.

But no worries; the doctor was pleased with her joints' appearance--enough to refrain from raising the methotrexate dose, much to this Momma's relief.

I also obtained a referral to an ENT to evaluate the size of Beth's tonsils and discuss removing them, per the speech therapist's recommendation. Although, of course, we will pray about this and study the data before agreeing to surgery, no matter what the ENT determines. It's no fun to struggle to breathe, but I think she's so used to it she doesn't know any better.

Finally, we helped the neighbor kids get to school again. They had colds but had to go to school because this area started standardized testing. The district has good scores and they take this very seriously...something I gathered from the neighbor boy's stress level. Anyway, my oldest came down with the cold and has asthma with it for the first time in a long time.

It's always something fun and relaxing...or not.


In our homeschool this week…

1.  This week Peter and I finished reading Bruchko, the Sonlight-assigned reader I mentioned last week. Paul is just beginning it and I think it will have to become a read aloud for him. He's 9.5 years old and the missionary books are a bit heavy for him to process on his own.

About Bruchko I can only say...I'll never be the same. The book taught me so much about God's power and provision in our daily walk--power most of us never tap into. I've written rather lengthy comments about how the book affected me, so if you're short on time you might want to skim or skip. The book is riveting and awesome and every Christian would love it.

On his deathbed a number of times--with no missionary organization behind him and no coworker or steady cash flow--Bruce needed the Lord desperately while trying to help a stone-age Indian tribe in South America...a tribe that routinely killed anyone who came near them.

As the Lord provided time and again and supernaturally made His presence known, sustaining Bruce through terrible loneliness, boredom, and recurring illness, Bruce became willing to die for Christ. He reached Paul the Apostle's point in life, in which he could say..."To live is Christ, to die is gain." (My words, not Bruce's).

It wasn't that Bruce (Bruchko) wanted death, just that he was willing to be led to it for Christ's sake.

As I read the last pages through a flood of tears, I walked away with this conviction: Unless we do something completely, utterly brave for God, we won't know or experience God the way Bruce has for the last fifty years in the jungle.

He's 71 years old now, still living among the Motilone, whom he met at about age 20. All the Motilones accepted Jesus not long after Bruce arrived, but they don't have traditional worship ideas. For example, they don't go to church on Sundays. Church is community and they do it everyday, all day. Two strong reminders came to me as I read:  Church is community, not a building. Church is an attitude, not a destination.

They read the translated Bible (Bruce's work) nightly in groups and all members regularly tell what they think the passage meant, and how it applies to their life. Bruce never tried to convert them to any certain lifestyle, other than walking in the footsteps of Jesus, letting Him cover their iniquities with his blood. Their entire way of relating to each other changed, almost overnight, after they began to walk in Jesus' path. Prior to this they had no concern for anyone outside their own family unit.

It's when we have no insurance policies and no backup plan that we truly need God on a daily basis. Sure, when we get sick or a loved one is in pain, we need Him terribly and rejoice that He's always there to help us. But for Bruce, God's presence was needed hourly. He endured prolonged loneliness for one, and tomorrow was always an unknown. A tiger or a snake or hepatitis could take his life, or worse (like warring guerrilla factions).

Even what Bruce would do with his time each day was an unknown. He didn't walk into that jungle with a plan; just a God-given desire to share Christ with the Motilone Indians. Each day God pointed the way and Bruce had to pray, listen clearly, and wait for God's timing. 

As I soaked up the details about his early days in South America outside the jungle, and then in the jungle, even before he met up with the Motilone, it struck me that God purposely beat Bruce down. It was as though the Lord wanted to get rid of all that was Bruce Olson, and fill this empty cavity of a man up with just Christ.

Does that sound familiar, some days? Each one of my children have their separate problems, and my husband and me have our personal trials as well. Sometimes I can't believe how hard it is and I wonder, it is this hard for everyone, but in different ways? Are we all being beaten down, so that we'll dump ourselves out and finally fill up with Him?

When I read the Bible as a whole and think of all its heros, I'm inclined to say that yes...life is supposed to be hard. We are supposed to get to the end of our ropes and then monkey jump onto Jesus' rope and stay there, clinging to Him like a parasite...living off His love, His blood, His power, His wisdom, His provision.

In the Western world, with our insurance policies and our retirement plans and endless safety nets, we forget that life is meant to be uncertain. Because in Christ we have all the certainty we need. All other plans and policies fail to bring true peace of soul.

As I said, I'll never be the same. It's doubtful I'll ever live in the jungle, but I want to remember what Bruce endured and I want to live his courage, live his passion for the Gospel.


  

Buy here: Christianbook.com:

Other school things...Last week I wrote about Susan Wise Bauer's Writing With Ease. We still enjoy it very much and I did end up purchasing Level 4, putting Level 3 on the shelf for my girls to grow into. The boys were used to a page and a half of dictation and we needed to get back to that volume. Level 4 will work fine.

I do tweak it, having the boys write out every narration after giving it to me orally. Also, I don't have the boys try to memorize the passage I will be dictating. They just read through it once before I begin dictating.

As I guessed, the boys have expressed a desire to check out some of the books used in the dictations and narrations. Susan Bauer worked hard to choose intriguing passages that would hook children while exposing them to the best writing models.


 

Helpful homeschooling tips or advice to share…

Don't hesitate to write a behavior contract if a child becomes increasingly combative. I have one child with ADHD/OCD and it seems when the OCD is calm, the ADHD isn't and vice versa. Right now things are tough with the impulsivity and the difficulty delaying gratification.

I have written, again extensively, about sample behavior contracts, so if you're short on time, skim or skip again.

When a child is frequently needing consequences it's difficult to keep up with what you've said you're going to do, especially with a houseful of kids distracting you. Take out the confusion and guess work by writing out a contract listing his responsibilities, his consequences, and his weekly incentives (privileges).

For example, we've had success with the following for our son Peter, age 11. Let me first say that too much time on his hands isn't good (bugs others incessantly if he isn't busy), and too little free time isn't good either. He needs structure imposed on him, but with plenty of outdoor time worked in:

Privileges:

~ 90 minutes of birdwatching and nature time alone with Daddy, twice monthly. (My husband works 54 hours per week so this is not easy, but worth it--they both need it. Our son is at one with nature and always has been.

~ Mommy reads aloud (on top of the time Daddy reads nightly).

~ Go to frog pond (drainage ditch across our small quiet street, with quite a sampling of pond life).

~ Ride bike around short block

~ Computer time 24 minutes daily

~ Keep pond animal for observation for one week.

~ 50 cents allowance per week.

Responsibilities (Many of these are on a check-off sheet on the wall)

~ Clean up after hamster daily; clean cage on Tuesdays; feed daily

~ Clean room and make bed daily before 1st recess

~ Obey parents in the Lord

~ Put away your folded clothes

~ Read Bible before 1st recess daily

~ Read 2 books to sisters Mon. - Fri.

~ Come in by 6 PM daily; no arguing, shower before dinner

~ Refrain from badgering Mommy or siblings

~ Get a calm activity when your temper flares (such as hold your hamster or read a bird or nature book)

~ Vacuum living room every Saturday

~ Sweep every Friday

~ Take out recycling on Thurs.

~ Check off all subjects and chores on weekly school chart for parent perusal

Consequences for misbehavior or disobedience:

I keep track of this by using numbered index cards in a pocket on the wall (numbers 1 - 9). When he misbehaves he changes the top card, revealing the next number. It may sound like something from a Kinder class, but it keeps them accountable and Mom in the know, even with a houseful. He wouldn't lie about what card he's on--mainly because his OCD wouldn't allow him to lie--but if you have a chronic fibber you may have to turn the cards yourself.

I leave food out of the picture, and I make sure all consequences, except for the nature trip with Daddy, are paid on the same day. No carry overs to the next day. Impulsive and strong-willed children benefit from a clean slate every day (and don't we all have that in Christ?).

Think about your child's likes and dislikes and come up with privileges and consequences that will really make an impression. Writing them out and posting them will help you refrain from doubling consequences in anger, or threatening things that aren't practical, or that end up punishing the other kids as well.

If your child has a bad temper and things get ugly quickly, a timeout in their room will lower their adrenaline and yours too. I endeavor to keep quiet during the timeouts even if he doesn't. Lecturing in anger only makes my kids tune me out.

I let him take a book with him and he always comes out calmer. My goal is not so much to punish, but to redirect and allow him time to hear the Holy Spirit and ask Him for calmness.

Step 1 - 20 minutes in room
Step 2 - 20 more minutes in room
Step 3 - Lose 12 minutes computer
Step 4 - Lose Mommy reads aloud (Daddy will still always read aloud at night)
Step 5 - Lose frog pond for the day
Step 6 - Lose bike for the day
Step 7 - Lose pond animal you've been observing
Step 8 - Lose $.25 allowance
Step 9 - Lose nature time with Daddy


Places we’re going and people we’re seeing…

AWANA is drawing to a close so we added a library storytime/craft/movement class for the girls on Tuesdays. One perk for me is that it helps me pick out books from the shelves without having to watch the girls' whereabouts constantly.

My favorite thing this week was…

Hearing that my 4-year-old daughter didn't need a stronger dose of her chemo drug. And that she won't have to have her blood drawn every 6 weeks anymore--just every 3 months. What a relief! She was getting feisty during those blood draws and my stress level stayed high the entire day afterwards.

My kiddos favorite thing this week was…

Playing in the rain and getting thoroughly muddy. I was not amused because the laundry load has been through the roof. Last Sunday I spent seven hours on laundry (partly due to the spring clothing switch). The 7 hours was in addition to doing a few loads every day.

Things I’m working on…

Laundry and the clothing switch. Haven't I written that three weeks running? I just need a good chunk of time to finish it!

I’m cooking…

chicken-noodle soup, gingerbread pancakes, spaghetti, cheesy eggs, roast chicken


I’m grateful for…

...the examples Jesus gave us in the Gospels, and of missionaries and others who demonstrate how to give one's life to Christ. What is Lordship? What does it look like to do this daily? I love reading examples of this, on top of my Bible reading.


I’m praying for…

...my friend's daughter, another friend's son, the neighbor children, my children's ailments, my headaches, our sanity

Have a blessed week! If you got to the bottom I have to say thank you...a bit long-winded I am for sure. I guess this is a stress reliever. :)

More Grateful, More Content

The motor signaled its demise; for 4 days we heard a loud, annoying, grind-screech sound.

And alas, as of tonight, the dishwasher is dead, 7.5 years after we bought it.

Will I ever blog again other than the middle of the night, once I'm washing dishes three times a day?

We shall see....

Late tonight, as I soaped, rinsed and shined the chicken-noodle soup bowls, along with the glasses and pans and silver we used for dinner, I knew we wouldn't replace the dishwasher.

When we bought it seven and a half years ago, we were different people...regular first-world people. We didn't know about Compassion International and we didn't dearly love three extra children:

Divya (India, age 9.5, correspondent child)

 

Nelson (El Salvador, age 8, sponsor child)

 

Raphael (Burkina Faso, age 13.5, correspondent child)




Once you fall in love with a child from the third world, your heart is wrecked and your eyes opened. No longer can you get in your vehicle, drive to Sears, and buy a luxury item. Not unless you can send the same amount of money to your Compassion children, and still afford the dishwasher.

Everything concerning finances gets filtered through your new lens...your third-world, least-of-these lens.

But this change doesn't occur overnight. It takes time, prayer and letter writing to develop a love such as this... when you truly feel like your Compassion children are part of your family.

I believe God divinely chooses your sponsor children with as much insight and love as he chooses your biological children. As we raise our children the process itself is part of our discipleship in Christ. Parent and child idiosyncrasies and flaws and gifts mingle just right, sharpening us in Him.

The same is true of sponsoring children. The experience itself disciples you and with each letter written, with each prayer uttered, with each rejoicing of heart, with each passing month you contribute to their care, you become more like Jesus.

And as you become more like Jesus, what happens to your contentment?

It skyrockets and suddenly, you don't need that GPS, that dishwasher, that fancy phone, that designer purse, that Olive Garden meal.

The amount of luxury money we spend is directly related to our contentment level. The less content we are, the more we buy.

And our contentment is directly related to our sense of gratitude. The less grateful we are, the more we think we deserve.

To be more grateful and more content, sponsor a child today.

Who wouldn't want to be more like Jesus?

Wondering if you can afford the $38 a month required to sponsor a child? Consider this verse about your daily needs:

Matthew 6:33  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

Never again will you go to your mailbox with the same what-bill-will-it-be-today attitude. Once you get into the website and hit "sponsor a child", you'll always look forward to a letter from your precious child.

And who will meet you at the mailbox?

Jesus himself, disguised as the least of these.  I guarantee it.

Does My Child Feel Loved?

Last week I asked for prayer for my friend's daughter regarding anorexia and depression. If you've remembered Chelsea this week, I thank you.

After hearing a little more about her condition last week, I came home from church feeling desperate to help. I didn't feel completely confident that my friend understood the gravity of the situation...that 20% of sufferers die from this disease, and that most will battle it for the rest of their lives, fighting daily to drown Satan's voice.

I came home and just sat in a chair, feeling extremely anxious. I don't just listen to people's problems. I feel them. Sometimes this tendency drives my husband crazy.

I remembered Emily's book, Chasing Silhouettes, and immediately ordered it, thinking as soon as it came, I would call my friend and take it straight over.

 

But my plans were foiled by my husband's dead car battery. He had to take the van and so instead, I started reading the book.

What a treasure of life-giving information for every parent. As much as I wanted the book in my friend's hand ASAP, I'm grateful God spoiled my plans and allowed me to read it first instead. I'll be honest...it was frightening. A true wake up call for every parent.

Here is what I learned:

Love, Love, Love

When parents have a keen interest or distraction--business, gardening, reading, sewing, exercising, scrap-booking, writing, painting, whatever--they have to be very careful not to put the interest above their children's needs. When we're stressed we can resort to escapism. Satan wants us to escape, whereas God wants to heal and renew us.

When we're not accessible our children feel unloved. Period. It doesn't matter how much we think we love them...love is expressed through putting others first. Be careful of saying to your child too often: "Just a second, Honey, I just need to finish this e-mail...finishing getting these flowers into the ground...finish contacting these clients...finish this scrapbooking page."

Emily, who almost died twice from this disease--once at age 13, and again as a married woman at age 26--felt, above all, unloved. Her first battle lasted 4 years, and her relapse lasted 3 years. This disease works slowly and steadily and in the end, the patient must choose life or death, literally.

Pick Your Battles

Secondly, Emily felt controlled. Her battle started at the age of 9 years old. She couldn't choose her food or her clothes or her friends. She couldn't watch TV or play with Barbies. As a pastor's child, she led a tightly controlled life. Slowly starving herself over the course of 4 years started as an act of rebellion. She loved the feeling of control; no one could make her eat. The more they tried, the stronger the disease became.

Over time the disease consumed her and she became the disease--a mere shadow of the girl God created. She nearly destroyed herself and her family but she didn't care; she thought she looked beautiful in her skeletal state. It's shocking how Satan can deceive us.

Many of us have a picky eater in our house and this book reminds us:  never let mealtime become a battleground.

Don't force a child to eat a certain amount. Give healthy choices and let them choose their portions and what they'll dish up for themselves. Don't be overly restrictive with sweets and don't label some foods good and some bad. Eat intuitively, modeling balance. God gives food as a gift.

Especially vulnerable are strong-willed, sensitive children who may be people-pleasing perfectionists. Be especially careful in not allowing food to become a battleground with this child. Kids learn early that their food intact can give them power over mom and dad.

I heard a pastor say once, in regard to parenting: "Only say no when you can't say yes." Provide every child with a reasonable amount of control over negotiable things.

Mind Your Words

I've always secretly thought that larger-boned people were fortunate in that they could gain a little weight and it didn't show. Small-boned people, like myself, have to be more careful. But right away as I read this book, I learned not to talk or think in terms of bone size or body frame at all.  Many girls want to have small bones. They want a "petite" label, even if God had other ideas when he created them.

Men don't care about bone size, but girls/women may. Affirm your child just the way God created her, without using labels.

If you become concerned about weight gain in a child, never nag about or mention the gain. Just provide healthy choices. Even after recovery, innocent words about weight gain, or even, "You are looking healthy" can become a trigger for relapse.

Affirm your child in more than just physical ways. It's good to say she's beautiful, but also acknowledge her painting gift or her helping gift or her teaching gift. Notice her, know her, and affirm her always.

Refrain from making any negative comments about your own body size or looks. Be grateful and comfortable in your own skin, for you've been fearfully and wonderfully made.

Pray For Healing Of Your Own Heart

The ideal mother, if she exists at all, is one who recognizes her worth in Jesus Christ. If you have past, unhealed wounds, they will affect your parenting. Pray that God heals you in your deepest hurting places so you can love unconditionally. A redeemed person loves others without fear. A hurting person seeks to protect herself, living selfishly without even realizing it.

I highly recommend Emily's book for all parents, especially if you have daughters. It can halt the mother-daughter thing in its tracks before it becomes destructive and dangerous, and it can prevent father-daughter dysfunction as well.

That said, it's important to remember that anorexia is never the parents' fault: a child chooses not to eat. And in the end, the child must choose to get well. She must choose life and love. Treatment plans go no where if a child doesn't want to recover.

Affirming our children is prevention...not just with our words, but our actions. We must make time for each child, learning their love language and prayerfully seeking to meet their needs consistently.

Studies show that there may be a genetic predisposition to this condition, but the disease itself is almost always triggered by excessive environmental stress. Emily's was probably triggered by the death of a beloved grandma figure.

I close today with this thought...one I've shared several times:

Parenting is a prayer.

Never stop praying, for we are flawed and we need our Heavenly Father's divine intervention. His grace showers us, eclipsing our brokenness.

I will present the book quietly tomorrow at church and I pray it's read that same day. Please pray with me?

Giving Thanks Today

Thank you, Father, for these blessings and graces:

~ For Emily's brave book reminding me to be an accessible mother, no matter my stress level.

~ For the transforming power of prayer. I don't have to be perfect; I just have to be on my knees.

~ For my husband's love for and devotion to our children.

~ For one of our Bible Study children praying aloud for the first time.

~ For the strength to say I'm sorry.

~ For pain that grows into wisdom, that helps others.

~ For redemption by the blood of the lamb

~ For four children, wild and beautiful.

~ For leaves unfurling on our trees. Praise God for color.

~ For sunshine, even if there was a little snow mixed in this morning.

~ For exciting homeschool curriculum on my bookshelves

~ For the wisdom to look for the beautiful.

What's beautiful in your life today, my friend?