Calm Parenting Secrets: Christian and Mainstream

A concussion follow-up appointment yesterday revealed some bad news, most of which we expected, based upon my son's on-going symptoms. He cannot concentrate on anything, either academic or in play, without getting a headache behind his eyes, often accompanied by blurred vision. Even being read to requires a concentration that gives him a headache. He loves to read and be read to, so without that in his life he feels a sense of hopelessness, as do I. His condition requires a nerve-wracking and depressing brain rest. Only complete boredom is available, for even playing Lincoln Logs right now bothers him, as does painting a simple watercolor picture.

The Children's Hospital neurosurgery department revealed that most children have no symptoms two weeks after their concussion accidents, and we're beyond the two weeks. Not all concussion patients lose consciousness, but if that does happen, the concussion tends to be worse. My son did lose consciousness for less than a minute, so his concussion is probably between mild and moderate, but patients with pre-existing health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, can take longer to heal and can suffer from Post-Concussion Syndrome, with some symptoms lasting up to a year or more.

I knew all this from my research, but I was thinking positively, hoping for some miraculous reason they would take off his neck brace and give him an okay to do an hour of school a day, or say something resembling hope.

But no, in addition to all our other appointments, I have to take him back for an MRI to check for a sprained neck (requiring either surgery or extended time in the neck brace), and I have to take him for a two-hour appointment at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic to have him checked for lingering signs of concussion (concussion is labeled Traumatic Brain Injury). If there are no lingering signs, he would probably then be referred for a vision evaluation with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

He no longer confuses time and place and his long- and short-term memory seem completely intact. The day after the concussion he underwent cognitive testing and could not repeat five random numbers. I tested him briefly yesterday and he could repeat up to seven random numbers, so I don't expect them to find lingering signs of concussion, except for the headaches, trouble concentrating, and blurred vision.

I don't have to tell you that I left that appointment yesterday in a sorry state of mind. My son is driving all of us crazy with his boredom, and we all wish we could go back in time and keep him out of that tree. Never have any of us felt so desperate to erase something.

After purchasing The Total Transformation by James Lehman, I became the fortunate receiver of regular and excellent parenting emails delivered as a newsletter to my inbox. I learn something valuable every time I click on them.

Guess what I learned today? A calm parent raises calm children. Yes, the stress around here is all my fault (being facetious), even though my frame of mind is normal under the circumstances. I don't know what we're about to face or how long the discomfort will last. I do know that speech appointments, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appointments, excessive ear-wax appointments, eye appointments, anxiety-disorder therapy appointments, ADHD/OCD medicine follow-up appointments, and your standard dental and winter-illness doctor appointments, fall just short of doing me in as a homeschooling mother.

In case you also deal with that overburdened feeling, I want to go over a couple Christian calmness techniques, as well as some standard psychology techniques for controlling our emotions and reactions.

First, the Christian perspective:

Think Purpose and Plan: God's ways are not our ways. When circumstances like excessive appointments, or a tough diagnosis, or seasons of life overwhelm us, we need to get over ourselves and keep our eyes on God and his plan.

Occasionally I'm blessed with comments from strangers, such as "Your children are so polite and well behaved. What is your secret?" The other day a lady followed me out of a consignment shop and said the above to me, smiled at my children, and then offered me a large bag of clothes her teenage son outgrew. She was as sweet as could be. Paul smiled and joked with her over the "what is your secret" question with "Mommy gives us a lot of milk."

These encounters occur in doctor's offices or thrift stores or grocery stores, but always, they surprise me because my children can drive me nuts in doctor's offices, grocery stores, and thrift stores. These are not calm outings for me--my kids being the creative, overactive types. But somehow, passersby see something that I miss. We are God-followers and that makes us different than about 75% to 80% of America. When God is the center of the family, it shows, even when we're overwhelmed and overburdened.

All our appointments get us out into the world and when Christians are out, they shine. God makes them shine--it has nothing to do with what we've done right, but everything to do with God's power and grace.

So the first Christian technique for remaining calm is to remember that God has a plan. While that plan may make us uncomfortable, it serves a greater purpose and we need to trust in that.

Think Servant of Christ:  Not only do we have to trust in God's plan, but we need to be a willing servant, or instrument in his plan. We live to serve God, not the other way around. He saves us and loves us and sustains us, and much is required of those who call him Father. We have been given salvation instead of endless suffering; in gratitude for that we give up our lives for the Lord. Whoever loses his life will gain it. Our best life comes from serving our Father, not ourselves.

Luke 12:48 ESV But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 17:33 ESV Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

I want to save my life by getting back to routine, starting school, getting a chore and errand chart going, having fewer appointments, etc. I want to restore sanity, but God wants me to learn to smile amidst the unknown and unchartered.

Think Psalms: Need I say more? Psalms sooth and remind and teach, and give us a divine hug.

I also find it helpful to use standard psychological helps, such as:

knowing our triggers
knowing what we can and can't control
distinguishing between fear and facts
digging for the root of anxiety
staying in the present
finding better ways to communicate
practice calming strategies
choosing our battles
using calm language
apologizing
finding support
being forgiving of ourselves

See these two articles for explanations on the above strategies:

Parenting Anxiety? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

Losing Your Temper With Your Child? 8 Steps to Help You Stay in Control

I often turn to Psalm 46 when I feel overwhelmed. It contains so many soothing truths. On your worst days, you can start there:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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Surviving This ADHD Life: Helpful Links

Helpful links for those impacted by ADHD through marriage or parenting:

Is Adult ADHD Hurting Your Marriage? How to Diagnose

9 Tips for Non-ADHD Parents to Motivate Your Whole Family

The "Secret Sauce" to Parenting "Complex" Kids

The Biggest "Aha" for the ADHD Parent: What You Must Remember When Parenting ADHD

Bless Her Heart - She Just Doesn't Understand ADHD

Get Back to Basics: 3 Ways to Live Better With ADHD



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Jeremiah the Prophet: On Anxiety and Depression

Jeremiah, by Michelangelo, 1512

Looking for information on a medication, I happened upon an article on Web MD about Web confessing, in which people confess things or talk about their lives anonymously on the Internet. The title questioned whether it was a guilty pleasure or healthy habit. Maybe you don't have time to read it? Let me just report that studies show it is beneficial to unload your heart and mind, but of course you have to use discretion to protect yourself and your family.

Even though this is an anonymous blog on which I share pictures sparingly, I do often delete things I regret writing. But feeds? They exist forever, thus the need for anonymity or reserve to the point of producing text that is sterile, or sadly, too much like this: "Look at my great life...no messy heaviness around here! Aren't you jealous and don't you wish you were me?"

Not surprisingly, I've been discouraged lately. I haven't been writing, and hours of research on curriculum cut my devotional time considerably. Depression and anxiety seeped into my daily life before I realized what hit me.

If you have someone near by to talk things over with, that helps, but busy moms relocated from original home states don't always have that advantage. It's harder to make friends once you are swamped with child-rearing, but holding on to old ones is somewhat easier when they live nearby.

We had multiple issues with the kids and other worries, and then the arm-break in one child and the tree-climbing accident in another resulted in more stress. Not to mention, when you take children to the ER, they are trained to ask the child immediately what happened, before asking the parent, so as to uncover any possible child abuse. Taking two children to the ER within two weeks of one another? You'd better have a good story. Maybe you aren't so paranoid about such things, but I feel guilty the second they ask me what happened, even though it's never negligence or abuse.

Yesterday I was so overcome by anxiety that I made the dreaded appointment at the clinic to be seen next week for anxiety and depression. (And migraine follow-up...the Topamax flopped and I'm out of ideas).

I couldn't relax thinking of when the next accident would happen, or the next crisis, similar to the way you feel when you get in your car after a minor accident. When my five year old did a forward roll, I imagined her breaking her neck and being in a wheelchair for life. I pleaded...please no somersaults until you get training in gymnastics...because what if she doesn't tuck her head as I instructed? (Ridiculous, I know, but husband knew someone who used bad technique and did end up paralyzed after a forward roll. Last week she did a handstand that ended in a unintentional flip, and the landing was scary.)

Stick to cartwheels and round-offs, I pleaded.

One child is on concussion "brain rest" right now, but when we start hopefully soon, school will change and be difficult this year, with all four formally taught at once. And with learning-disability materials abounding, most lessons will be teacher-directed. Who will keep up with laundry and cooking and cleaning?

Then yellow-jacket wasps, the venom of which Paul is allergic to, built a nest outside the playroom window. When husband sprayed it outside with the gun-like wasp spray, it drove many inside from some tiny hole or opening, and in a panic, I used wasp spray in the playroom to kill them in a hurry before they overtook the house and stung Paul multiple times. That would be too much venom even for an EPI PEN, I suspected.

You aren't supposed to use wasp spray indoors, but I didn't realize it until I read it after: "Never use indoors". Now I'm paranoid about the spray on the ceiling fan and the bits that dropped on the carpet underneath, even though husband washed it at least from the carpet. How long is it toxic for? Should I just take down the ceiling fan to discard it or try to clean it on top of all my other duties? The kids aren't comfortable in the playroom anymore, and it's one of the largest rooms in our house; we need it. I keep thinking about the effects on our nervous systems, and did it get on other things too, even though it's not an aerosol?

Stop the insanity!

I did just that last night by starting Jeremiah. It reminded me so much of God's faithfulness, power, and mercy. Isn't that what's missing from our lives when we cut devotional time too short? A sense of awe about our Creator? We lose a sense of God's provision, his mercy, his sufficiency, and most importantly, his love for us! Worry and depression seep in and choke us, and all the while the answers were right there in Scripture.

Be still and know that I am God.

We forget over and over again, and that's why we can never be done reading the Bible.

Do you remember Jeremiah? He ministered to Judah during 627 - 586 B.C., urging God's people to turn from their sins and go back to God.

Jeremiah was a miserable failure according to the world's standards; for 40 years he served as God's servant, but nobody listened. He was consistent and passionate, to no avail. He was poor and suffered severe deprivation to prophesy as God instructed. He suffered prison and a cistern, and he was taken to Egypt against his will. All rejected him, including neighbors, family, the false prophets and priests, his audience, and the kings.

Wow! And I thought I had a difficulties.

But what did God think about Jeremiah? Only that he was one of the most successful men in all history, because he was one of the most faithful and obedient.

I am still going to talk to a doctor about depression and anxiety, but I know that isn't the whole answer--not now, not ever. We can have no problem that isn't answered in Scripture.

And in the end, it doesn't matter how successful the world regards us, so why are we pressuring ourselves so? Is a somersault gone wrong ever the end of the world, or like Jeremiah's struggles, might it be part of God's plan, and something we can trust Him through?

We need only please an audience of one.

Just one. 

Jeremiah 1:4-10 

The Call of Jeremiah

4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

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Wishing You a Good School Transition

As a stay-at-home homeschooling mother, I take my quiet time, or my super-productive time, when I can get it. There's always more than enough to do, so a break from the children and the noise is usually a working break, rarely a true do-nothing break. Sometimes having any break means staying home from things like the church picnic on a hot and humid day, so the whole house can get cleaned in one full swoop, or the homeschooling schedule can be designed or tweaked.

So last Sunday, I stayed home with one child while the rest of the family went to the church picnic. Maybe you know that moms and dads don't always agree on safety rules? Well, that includes climbing trees around here. I think without a spotter, and without sticking to lower branches, it's just too dangerous. Husband feels otherwise because as a child he climbed trees plenty and never fell.

One of my children decided I needed a ride in an ambulance to make my mothering life complete. I can't give details because said child thinks accidents are embarrassing, but suffice it to say we have a little more stress on our hands now. After many, many tests, the child is mostly but not totally out of the woods after a concussion and an overnight hospital stay. We go back in two weeks to hopefully lose the neck brace and on that note if you say a quick prayer I would appreciate it.

Hopefully you don't disappear for good, because I really like you guys. Have a good transition back to school! 

Beth the Brave

The used books I've been ordering for Sonlight Core B have been trickling in, and this week Leading Little Ones to God arrived, which is part of the Bible portion of Core B.

Recently Mary told me that when we do devotions she has a hard time following, and when we're done she doesn't remember what we talked about. Now, I have my doubts about the sincerity of this because her knowledge of God is pretty mature for a seven year old, so something has been sticking all these years. I have no doubt that she already has a saving knowledge of God.

She struggles currently with feeling like a failure because so often it's cloudy and her thoughts turn to storms and how fearful she is all the time. She feels worthless, compared to others who go about their lives and seem to ignore storms. Why do I unravel at something other people can easily ignore, she wonders. And why did God give me this fear?

Seven years old is early to deal with such big thoughts and big doubts, but I can see that Mary is learning a great deal about God this summer. New believers are often coddled by God a little; I was definitely coddled in the beginning. As a brand new Christian, I prayed for a husband and got one. But when I prayed for a child a year after marriage, there was heartache before there was dancing. The Lord felt I was ready for a testing of my faith, and I feel that this summer has been the first testing of Mary's faith.

Sometimes things aren't neat and tidy and the answers aren't easy and flowing. It's true that some people barely notice the thunder and lightning, while others throw up from the pathological fear of the worst that could happen. While there's no easy answer, I can assure Mary that God didn't give her the fear. Our imperfections, illnesses and disorders are a result of the fall of man in the garden. God allows them, but he didn't cause them. He can miraculously take any pain away from us, but he doesn't always choose to.

Hard things for a seven year old to ponder, for sure. Our lesson last night in Leading Little Ones to God brought up this very topic. This book still uses scripture as the base, but it goes a little further and tries to make it relevant for a range of ages, which I think will work nicely for our family, as opposed to my husband and me trying to make a lesson from our own exhausted heads each night. Devotional books for children tend to teach smaller portions of scripture at a time, and we tend to err on the side of too much scripture per sitting, which is fine for the boys but not for our girls.

The lesson focused on the question of how Miriam responded to having to throw her baby boy in the river. How are we supposed to respond when bad things happen to us? Why would God allow these things in our lives? What did Miriam do and think when she was told to throw her baby in the river? Why would God allow that? What options did Miriam have? How did God respond? What happened to baby Moses? How did God work through his life? It was a lesson made just for my daughter, who had struggled with why God would allow such a ghastly fear in her life (along with learning to read being so hard for her, although that didn't come up this week). Mary doesn't only have fear when it's actually thundering, but when it's forecasted as well, which is quite frequently in Ohio.

We have a choice in how we respond, and in our own nuclear family we have an example of a grace-filled response. Beth. We often overlook the burden on Beth's life because she never complains about her arthritis. In fact, we thought her medicines were working to eliminate most of her pain, but recently we found that not to be the case. She walks on her toes and has done this since the age of 3, which is when her left ankle became affected. She was released from therapy a few months ago because her range of motion with her knees was very good, and her physical abilities and strength were no longer affected by the arthritic joints. They seemed to think the toe walking could be a sensory issue, and not a pain issue because there was no other sign of pain. I never did agree with the sensory hypothesis, but neither did I think therapy was going to address her pain.

As her mother I recognize that the swelling in her ankle has never responded as well to her medicines as her knee joints have, for whatever reason. Beth is more willing now to respond to my questions about her arthritis, and not fear that her responses are going to lead to more doctor's appointments and more shots and discomfort. After trying to get her to walk normally for two years now, she point blank told me this week that she walks up on her toes because it feels better. I then asked her where it hurts when she walks on her feet. She pointed to the swollen area on her left ankle, just as I suspected.

Have you ever walked up on your toes for very long? It is very uncomfortable and your balance you will notice is terrible. It's very awkward. My heart aches for my little girl, and at the same time my heart marvels at her strength and determination. She never complains, and she wakes with a smile, even though mornings find her up higher on her toes, because arthritis pain is typically worse after inactivity. Beth loves life and it's only needles or a mention of blood that makes her frown.

We need the Beths and Miriams among us to inspire us and remind us that we can respond with grace. We can still love life, and we can still smile. We can open our hands to all that God has, and say, "Let me be faithful, Lord. Fill me with your joy. Let me spread your joy to others. Let me be like Miriam, who trusts you. Let me be like Beth, who counts her life all joy because of what she does have." 

It's okay to get discouraged and wonder why, but we can't get stuck there. There is a way out of our despair and our Father will lead us, sometimes through the example of those around us. Very gently last night during devotions I brought up the conversation Beth had with me about her ankle pain. The other three children and my husband and me have been so caught up in the pain and discomfort of OCD fears and storm phobia fears, that we'd forgotten the little angel among us, who had something to say to all of us with her quiet determination, and her quiet faithfulness.

There were some tears at the realization, and little Beth, terribly embarrassed at the attention, slipped behind the couch. She loves to perform for us and dance and dress up in fancy dresses, and sometimes she says she wants to be an actress, but don't ever praise her. She doesn't want that.

She's too young to give God the glory, and of course she doesn't consciously live so wisely, but to God be the glory all the same....

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Jeremiah 31:2-3 Thus says the LORD:”The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.