Calm Parenting Secrets: Christian and Mainstream

A concussion follow-up appointment yesterday revealed some bad news, most of which we expected, based upon my son's on-going symptoms. He cannot concentrate on anything, either academic or in play, without getting a headache behind his eyes, often accompanied by blurred vision. Even being read to requires a concentration that gives him a headache. He loves to read and be read to, so without that in his life he feels a sense of hopelessness, as do I. His condition requires a nerve-wracking and depressing brain rest. Only complete boredom is available, for even playing Lincoln Logs right now bothers him, as does painting a simple watercolor picture.

The Children's Hospital neurosurgery department revealed that most children have no symptoms two weeks after their concussion accidents, and we're beyond the two weeks. Not all concussion patients lose consciousness, but if that does happen, the concussion tends to be worse. My son did lose consciousness for less than a minute, so his concussion is probably between mild and moderate, but patients with pre-existing health conditions, such as anxiety disorders, can take longer to heal and can suffer from Post-Concussion Syndrome, with some symptoms lasting up to a year or more.

I knew all this from my research, but I was thinking positively, hoping for some miraculous reason they would take off his neck brace and give him an okay to do an hour of school a day, or say something resembling hope.

But no, in addition to all our other appointments, I have to take him back for an MRI to check for a sprained neck (requiring either surgery or extended time in the neck brace), and I have to take him for a two-hour appointment at the Traumatic Brain Injury clinic to have him checked for lingering signs of concussion (concussion is labeled Traumatic Brain Injury). If there are no lingering signs, he would probably then be referred for a vision evaluation with a pediatric ophthalmologist.

He no longer confuses time and place and his long- and short-term memory seem completely intact. The day after the concussion he underwent cognitive testing and could not repeat five random numbers. I tested him briefly yesterday and he could repeat up to seven random numbers, so I don't expect them to find lingering signs of concussion, except for the headaches, trouble concentrating, and blurred vision.

I don't have to tell you that I left that appointment yesterday in a sorry state of mind. My son is driving all of us crazy with his boredom, and we all wish we could go back in time and keep him out of that tree. Never have any of us felt so desperate to erase something.

After purchasing The Total Transformation by James Lehman, I became the fortunate receiver of regular and excellent parenting emails delivered as a newsletter to my inbox. I learn something valuable every time I click on them.

Guess what I learned today? A calm parent raises calm children. Yes, the stress around here is all my fault (being facetious), even though my frame of mind is normal under the circumstances. I don't know what we're about to face or how long the discomfort will last. I do know that speech appointments, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis appointments, excessive ear-wax appointments, eye appointments, anxiety-disorder therapy appointments, ADHD/OCD medicine follow-up appointments, and your standard dental and winter-illness doctor appointments, fall just short of doing me in as a homeschooling mother.

In case you also deal with that overburdened feeling, I want to go over a couple Christian calmness techniques, as well as some standard psychology techniques for controlling our emotions and reactions.

First, the Christian perspective:

Think Purpose and Plan: God's ways are not our ways. When circumstances like excessive appointments, or a tough diagnosis, or seasons of life overwhelm us, we need to get over ourselves and keep our eyes on God and his plan.

Occasionally I'm blessed with comments from strangers, such as "Your children are so polite and well behaved. What is your secret?" The other day a lady followed me out of a consignment shop and said the above to me, smiled at my children, and then offered me a large bag of clothes her teenage son outgrew. She was as sweet as could be. Paul smiled and joked with her over the "what is your secret" question with "Mommy gives us a lot of milk."

These encounters occur in doctor's offices or thrift stores or grocery stores, but always, they surprise me because my children can drive me nuts in doctor's offices, grocery stores, and thrift stores. These are not calm outings for me--my kids being the creative, overactive types. But somehow, passersby see something that I miss. We are God-followers and that makes us different than about 75% to 80% of America. When God is the center of the family, it shows, even when we're overwhelmed and overburdened.

All our appointments get us out into the world and when Christians are out, they shine. God makes them shine--it has nothing to do with what we've done right, but everything to do with God's power and grace.

So the first Christian technique for remaining calm is to remember that God has a plan. While that plan may make us uncomfortable, it serves a greater purpose and we need to trust in that.

Think Servant of Christ:  Not only do we have to trust in God's plan, but we need to be a willing servant, or instrument in his plan. We live to serve God, not the other way around. He saves us and loves us and sustains us, and much is required of those who call him Father. We have been given salvation instead of endless suffering; in gratitude for that we give up our lives for the Lord. Whoever loses his life will gain it. Our best life comes from serving our Father, not ourselves.

Luke 12:48 ESV But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 17:33 ESV Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

I want to save my life by getting back to routine, starting school, getting a chore and errand chart going, having fewer appointments, etc. I want to restore sanity, but God wants me to learn to smile amidst the unknown and unchartered.

Think Psalms: Need I say more? Psalms sooth and remind and teach, and give us a divine hug.

I also find it helpful to use standard psychological helps, such as:

knowing our triggers
knowing what we can and can't control
distinguishing between fear and facts
digging for the root of anxiety
staying in the present
finding better ways to communicate
practice calming strategies
choosing our battles
using calm language
apologizing
finding support
being forgiving of ourselves

See these two articles for explanations on the above strategies:

Parenting Anxiety? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

Losing Your Temper With Your Child? 8 Steps to Help You Stay in Control

I often turn to Psalm 46 when I feel overwhelmed. It contains so many soothing truths. On your worst days, you can start there:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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Surviving This ADHD Life: Helpful Links

Helpful links for those impacted by ADHD through marriage or parenting:

Is Adult ADHD Hurting Your Marriage? How to Diagnose

9 Tips for Non-ADHD Parents to Motivate Your Whole Family

The "Secret Sauce" to Parenting "Complex" Kids

The Biggest "Aha" for the ADHD Parent: What You Must Remember When Parenting ADHD

Bless Her Heart - She Just Doesn't Understand ADHD

Get Back to Basics: 3 Ways to Live Better With ADHD



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Jeremiah the Prophet: On Anxiety and Depression

Jeremiah, by Michelangelo, 1512

Looking for information on a medication, I happened upon an article on Web MD about Web confessing, in which people confess things or talk about their lives anonymously on the Internet. The title questioned whether it was a guilty pleasure or healthy habit. Maybe you don't have time to read it? Let me just report that studies show it is beneficial to unload your heart and mind, but of course you have to use discretion to protect yourself and your family.

Even though this is an anonymous blog on which I share pictures sparingly, I do often delete things I regret writing. But feeds? They exist forever, thus the need for anonymity or reserve to the point of producing text that is sterile, or sadly, too much like this: "Look at my great life...no messy heaviness around here! Aren't you jealous and don't you wish you were me?"

Not surprisingly, I've been discouraged lately. I haven't been writing, and hours of research on curriculum cut my devotional time considerably. Depression and anxiety seeped into my daily life before I realized what hit me.

If you have someone near by to talk things over with, that helps, but busy moms relocated from original home states don't always have that advantage. It's harder to make friends once you are swamped with child-rearing, but holding on to old ones is somewhat easier when they live nearby.

We had multiple issues with the kids and other worries, and then the arm-break in one child and the tree-climbing accident in another resulted in more stress. Not to mention, when you take children to the ER, they are trained to ask the child immediately what happened, before asking the parent, so as to uncover any possible child abuse. Taking two children to the ER within two weeks of one another? You'd better have a good story. Maybe you aren't so paranoid about such things, but I feel guilty the second they ask me what happened, even though it's never negligence or abuse.

Yesterday I was so overcome by anxiety that I made the dreaded appointment at the clinic to be seen next week for anxiety and depression. (And migraine follow-up...the Topamax flopped and I'm out of ideas).

I couldn't relax thinking of when the next accident would happen, or the next crisis, similar to the way you feel when you get in your car after a minor accident. When my five year old did a forward roll, I imagined her breaking her neck and being in a wheelchair for life. I pleaded...please no somersaults until you get training in gymnastics...because what if she doesn't tuck her head as I instructed? (Ridiculous, I know, but husband knew someone who used bad technique and did end up paralyzed after a forward roll. Last week she did a handstand that ended in a unintentional flip, and the landing was scary.)

Stick to cartwheels and round-offs, I pleaded.

One child is on concussion "brain rest" right now, but when we start hopefully soon, school will change and be difficult this year, with all four formally taught at once. And with learning-disability materials abounding, most lessons will be teacher-directed. Who will keep up with laundry and cooking and cleaning?

Then yellow-jacket wasps, the venom of which Paul is allergic to, built a nest outside the playroom window. When husband sprayed it outside with the gun-like wasp spray, it drove many inside from some tiny hole or opening, and in a panic, I used wasp spray in the playroom to kill them in a hurry before they overtook the house and stung Paul multiple times. That would be too much venom even for an EPI PEN, I suspected.

You aren't supposed to use wasp spray indoors, but I didn't realize it until I read it after: "Never use indoors". Now I'm paranoid about the spray on the ceiling fan and the bits that dropped on the carpet underneath, even though husband washed it at least from the carpet. How long is it toxic for? Should I just take down the ceiling fan to discard it or try to clean it on top of all my other duties? The kids aren't comfortable in the playroom anymore, and it's one of the largest rooms in our house; we need it. I keep thinking about the effects on our nervous systems, and did it get on other things too, even though it's not an aerosol?

Stop the insanity!

I did just that last night by starting Jeremiah. It reminded me so much of God's faithfulness, power, and mercy. Isn't that what's missing from our lives when we cut devotional time too short? A sense of awe about our Creator? We lose a sense of God's provision, his mercy, his sufficiency, and most importantly, his love for us! Worry and depression seep in and choke us, and all the while the answers were right there in Scripture.

Be still and know that I am God.

We forget over and over again, and that's why we can never be done reading the Bible.

Do you remember Jeremiah? He ministered to Judah during 627 - 586 B.C., urging God's people to turn from their sins and go back to God.

Jeremiah was a miserable failure according to the world's standards; for 40 years he served as God's servant, but nobody listened. He was consistent and passionate, to no avail. He was poor and suffered severe deprivation to prophesy as God instructed. He suffered prison and a cistern, and he was taken to Egypt against his will. All rejected him, including neighbors, family, the false prophets and priests, his audience, and the kings.

Wow! And I thought I had a difficulties.

But what did God think about Jeremiah? Only that he was one of the most successful men in all history, because he was one of the most faithful and obedient.

I am still going to talk to a doctor about depression and anxiety, but I know that isn't the whole answer--not now, not ever. We can have no problem that isn't answered in Scripture.

And in the end, it doesn't matter how successful the world regards us, so why are we pressuring ourselves so? Is a somersault gone wrong ever the end of the world, or like Jeremiah's struggles, might it be part of God's plan, and something we can trust Him through?

We need only please an audience of one.

Just one. 

Jeremiah 1:4-10 

The Call of Jeremiah

4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

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