what binds women friends?

We had a playdate with a new homeschooling family this week.

I liked Kathleen, the mother, and her two girls (her older boys stayed at home).  She has one biological child and three adopted children, two of whom came from Guatemala three years ago.  Her children range in age from 6 to 14.  She is 48 and her husband is 54.  I am 44 and my husband is 52.  

A rare picture of our full family, minus Daddy.

Kathleen lives in a neighborhood where the average income is probably $400,000/year.  My neighborhood's average is roughly $45,000/yr.  

Kathleen sends her kids to an exclusive school twice a week, for $8,000/yr total.  I struggle to buy 3rd grade lined writing paper.

She is wife to a doctor.  I am wife to a custodian.

She has stylish clothes and a great haircut.  My hair is four months behind on a trim and I wear thrift-store clothes.

The differences are many.  Striking.

But they didn't matter.

What could we have possibly had in common?  And how did we manage to understand each other?

We are both mothers, struggling with our own sin as we strive to love, encourage and teach our children.  We both imperfectly, but passionately, love the Savior.  We both imperfectly, but passionately, love our children.

Motherhood and the Savior.  What better to bind new friends?

Kathleen and her husband have their home up for sale.  They are downsizing and paying off all debt, and ending frivolous spending.  All this was from the Lord.  They are also overseeing the building of a children's home in Guatemala.

It's one thing to downsize because you lost your job, but quite another to do it voluntarily, when you already use every inch of your home.  I admire their obedience so much!  Goodbye materialism!

The children are looking for a good place to let some salamanders go.  Peter found them last weekend and observed/enjoyed them at home for four days.  This was the appointed day to let them go.  The new friends, two girls ages 6 and 9, were thrilled with Peter's salamanders.  Their mom, on the other hand, was not.  Not  a creepy crawly kind of gal.  :)

Praise God for the way new friends cross our paths!  Amazing, isn't it?  I sent out Ann Voskamp's posts about Guatemala to my homeschool group, and Kathleen (who is on the e-mail list) sent an e-mail introducing herself to me, and asking if we wanted to get together.

Psalm 119:63  I am a friend to all who fear you, to all who follow your precepts.

The task-oriented mother - do her children feel loved?

Motherhood.

It's a beautiful word....a beautiful state of being, isn't it?  Such a privilege.

Much of the intensity is over in eighteen to twenty short years.  That's really short, when you consider that most people survive well into their seventies. The majority of our earthly years do not include having children under our roof.

That fact should make me feel an ounce of relief, given the current state of:

- my living room (four loads of clothes to fold)  

- my kitchen (baked chicken/mashed sweet potato dinner dishes to do, and double chocolate chip baking paraphernalia to clean. I baked for the church children's director's family).

- my dining room floor (grass/mud tracked in from back door today, crumbs from about five meals, sticky unknown substances under the table from the last two meals)

- my bathrooms (both floors need moping, mirrors need windexing)

- the playroom (massive amount of large Legos were dumped before bed, train track pieces and books are also all over, courtesy of my sweet toddler.)

Too, I should feel relief at the thought of having leisure time for reading--something from which I derive much pleasure.  And leisure time for creating a beautiful, soothing flower garden.

But somehow the thought of these future pleasures--reading, gardening, gourmet cooking, having a clean house--give me no relief.  Not even an ounce.

Nothing will ever be as special--or as pleasurable--as what I'm doing right now.  Mothering.  These are the best years, months, days, hours, and moments, of my life.

When you're pregnant with your first child, or about to adopt your first, no one tells you about:

- the joy of having a sleepy little person come down the hall at 7:00 a.m., ready for some good-morning lovin'

- the joy of having a squeaky-clean little one in your lap for night time stories

- the joy of having a toddler/preschooler talk your ear off during potty time

- the joy of seeing your big-little boy settle down with a beloved book several times a day

- the joy of hearing giggles in the playroom while you cook, squeals and laughter in the yard while you hang clothes, friendly sibling whispers in the bedroom after tuck in

- the joy of watching your beloved husband hug your little toddler, his eyes tearing up

- the joy of being the absolute favorite person of four little people

- the joy of nourishing a sweet baby/toddler at your breast

I can make this list much longer, but the words still won't adequately express the heart-joy that is motherhood.

I want so much to convey to my children, every day, how much I love being their mommy.  How much they color my world happy, meaningful, growth-rich.

And yet.

Oh, yes, there is a painful yet.

I am, by nature, task-oriented.  Understand, I don't want to be.  I don't choose it.

Do you know someone like that--someone task oriented?  They give you the busy-bee impression, without meaning to. You can feel it as you stand next to them or talk with them on the phone.  They rush through life, moving from task to task, crossing off their to-do list.

I have one aunt here in Ohio with whom I can sit on the couch, feeling as though she has all the time in the world to spend with me...with my family.   She's completely engaged, in tune with the people--always the people.

I have another aunt here who is just as nice, but when I sit on the couch with her, I have the impression she's about to get up to attend to something. She's completely preoccupied, although she's still polite enough to make eye contact.

Both are lovely, genuinely nice ladies.

But guess which one I want to be like?  Which one do you want to be like?

In order to convey to our children that we love being their mommies...to convey that everything they think, feel, and do is important to us, we have to fight our first nature--that task-oriented nature.  (If you don't have a task-oriented nature, you're a fortunate mommy!)  I don't mean we have to follow our children around all day, hanging on their every word and forgetting all housekeeping.  But we do have to give the impression of the first aunt I described--the people-oriented one.

For most of us with more than one child, that means learning to live with a disheveled house.  A less than clean one.  Forget about what that neighbor thinks, the one who happened to see it at its worst.  Does her opinion count?  And why should it?  Is she part of our legacy?  Is the shape of our house part of our legacy, really?

Years from now, it won't matter that we merely felt our children were our greatest joy.

We have to convey it, too.

into his courts with praise

My gratitude list:

- my two boys reciting AWANA verses with joy and precision

- my two boys learning how to really study

- Hinds' Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard, adapted for children by Dian Layton.  This is the best children's devotional I've seen.  My boys are hanging on every word.

- The True Tale of Johnny Appleseed, by Margaret Hodges.  What a gem!  It highlights John Chapman's Christianity (Chapman was Johnny's real last name).

- motherhood

- when Mary says "Read it again!"

- my sweet toddler, cupping my face in her hands in the wee hours, telling me she wants to "Nur!" (nurse).  What a joy she is to me!  What a joy nursing is!

- two boys with passionate interests...passionate hearts

- my local librarian

- having all my meals with my children, who are my favorite companions, along with their Daddy

- homeschooling

- good literature

- motherhood

- double chocolate chip cookies 

- hearty homemade soup for lunch

- bedtime stories (my favorite time of the day)

- peeking out the window at four beautiful children (mine, no less!), laughing and playing in our yard

- my oldest boy, raking up and bagging leaves like a champ

- motherhood

- my Mary, who is an intriguing mix of sweetness and independence

- my Beth trying to get in the middle of every hug I give to her siblings

- sisterly love

- motherhood

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us,
and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise:
be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting;
and his truth endureth to all generations.
Psalms 100:1-5

I Know Your Worst Parenting Mistake

Blog topics form in my head based upon the type of day I had.  Monday was a challenging day, partially, I believe, because the kids were over-scheduled on Sunday.  Morning church, followed by only a few hours at home before they were whisked off to a park playdate (which they loved!), then home for dinner, followed immediately by art class and then bedtime prep.  They simply didn't have enough time at home, which they love and need, even if they can't articulate it.  I remember Monday always being a difficult day when I was a teacher, also.  Students were tired and cranky on Mondays, probably because of later bedtimes and a lot of activities.

So, based upon my personal challenges, I humbly bring you this post.
________________________________________________________

What was your worst parenting mistake ever?  I mean your very worst!

Was it that time you served cake for breakfast? (No....I've never done that. Shame on you, girl!)

Or the time you rewarded a public fit by giving in?

Or was it the time you gave a stern punishment, only to find out later that no wrong was committed--you just hadn't listened well enough?

Was it the time you became seriously unglued over spilled milk, acting so despicably even your husband was quieted and traumatized?  (Um, yeah.  I'm ashamed to say this has happened here.)

I'm not a fly on your wall, thank goodness, but I could probably guess your worst parenting mistake.

It's the same as mine.

Not enough grace or mercy.  

How many times have you lost your temper, only to have your children turn around and extend the sweetest, tear-jerking grace toward you?  Have you ever known them to hold a grudge over one of Mommy's sins?  Has your children's approval of you ever been based on your performance?

Now, let's turn the tables.  We love our children unconditionally, sure.  But is that what gets expressed?  Or are we forever getting annoyed at their shortcomings?  Pajamas left on the floor everyday, despite a chore list? Mud tracked in way too often, despite reminders and safeguards?  School stuff not put away...again?  Toothpaste everywhere and the cap left off....again?

Nag, nag, nag.  Drippy faucet parenting.  We're good at that, aren't we?

How does our Lord parent us?  Does he lack patience, gentleness, self-control?  Is his love based on our performance?  When we commit the same wrongs over and over, does he berate us and make us feel small--like failures?

We all know the answer.

So right now, let's make sticky notes and put them in the bathroom and kitchen, reminding us that our approval of our children can't be based on their performance.  They, like us, are works in progress, destined to fail often.



The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever. He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust. (Psalms 103:8-14 KJV)

giving thanks in the mundane--practically speaking

I loved  The Love With Which We Perform, by Simple Mom author, Tsh Oxenreider.  My favorite take-away quote is this:



"From God’s perspective, there is no difference between twilight hours of Scripture reading and running our daughter to ballet class with a happy heart. Our moments of paying bills on time and sweeping the floor under the highchair are as glorious as kneeling before His throne, hands upward in praise."

Her entire post is a gem, even for those who already understand the importance of giving glory to God in our daily work. 

I shamefully recall saying more than once this week, "Can't one meal be peaceful, God?"  And, "Can we go one night without a soaked bathroom floor?!  Just one night?!"

It's all well and good to read an inspiring post about praising our Lord through mundane tasks, but practically speaking, how does an overworked mother do that each day?  If your husband arrives home every night at 5:30 p.m., maybe it's possible, but some of us parent alone 24/7, for whatever reason.  Is there hope for us?

Yes, there is!  Here are some practical tips:

1. Give thanks; make gratitude lists (Ann Voskamp wrote this post on having children list their blessings along with you.)

2. Pull your children close for a snuggle when you feel a complaint arising in your heart.  Your children are your life's greatest work.  Their hugs will give you strength to keep your focus heavenward, and your behavior exemplary.

3.  Try not to do mundane tasks back to back.  Break them up and read a story to your precious ones.  When baby naps, read a Psalm or an inspiring blog, rather than spending the whole hour on chores.

4.  Make a schedule if possible for your chores.  Focus on one problem area at a time.  Along with the meals, laundry, and spontaneous messes, you'll only have time for one other chore anyway

5.  Don't compare yourself or your skills to others; God doesn't make mistakes and he is just.  We deserved death, yet he gave us life abundant.

6.  Keep that praise music going!  Dance with the children.  Pick them up and twirl them, raising your hands together toward your Father, whose perfect love enfolds you. 

7.  Take five away from the kids.  Kneel and pray.  Ask for forgiveness and strength.  Often, that's all you need to take back the day.

8.  Then say you're sorry to the kids, if they heard your complaining spirit.  Their forgiveness will warm your heart, helping you move forward with a lighter spirit. 

9.  Work out some way to escape for at least an hour a week, even if it's just to the grocery store--alone.

10.  Finish well.  Let love and grace reign in the minutes before bed--for your sake and theirs.

11.  Know this: They don't want a perfect mother.  They want you.  God chose you for them--and he doesn't make mistakes!