Post Script to the previous post:
Do not try to evaluate your marriage, or any other aspect of your life, in the fourth week of your menstrual cycle. Indeed, mark it on the calendar as a reminder. No evaluating this week!
My dear husband, with whom I have very little conversation these days due to his work hours, said to me while we spoke for five minutes in the bathroom the other day:
Husband: "Honey, we really need to get together and talk about ways you can be happier in this marriage."
Me: "What are you talking about? Honey, I love you very much. I'm happy with you and everything about my life. It's just keeping up with the house right now that rattles me to the core. And that's just a season, I realize."
This conversation occurred about three days after the hormonal upheaval ended. This didn't dawn on me until I'd finished my last sentence.
Do I clue him in, or just let it go?
"I know it gets confusing Honey, and I'm sorry. I was having the "Adam and Eve curse of childbirth" angst last week, remember?"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
seeking Christian help for your marriage
In my last post about the importance of offering marriage counsel to hurting, confused Christian sisters, I indicated my desire to follow up with guidelines women might consider when looking for help.
Seek counsel from one woman, or from a couple, rather than from a women's group. The more people involved, the more likely you are to be judged, ridiculed, or gossiped about.
The best counsel will be from a woman who:
- is older than you
- is mature in the faith
- has a gentle and quiet spirit
- is a prayer warrior
- has a happy marriage that has been tested (difficulties in the past)
- has not had an easy life (hardship grows compassion)
- is not prone to gossip--even the subtle type
- knows the Bible
- knows you and your husband
- is positive and encouraging
- believes in sanctity of marriage
Find a Christian couple if your husband is living in sin; a man should address your husband's issues.
When should you seek counsel?
- when your husband is living in sin (infidelity, pornography, emotional cheating (too close to women at work)
- when your husband is abusive--verbally or physically (leave home with children if you don't feel safe)
- when you feel overwhelmed with the demands of the relationship
- when intimacy slows down or stops (not caused by health issue or childbirth)
- when walls of resentment begin to build
- when you can't forgive
- when strife becomes commonplace (in the absence of a crisis)
- when the grass starts looking very green elsewhere
Building a counseling relationship with a hurting Christian sister:
- listen without interruption
- avoid judging statements or body language
- start each session in prayer
- give thanks for the counseling relationship
- pray before, during, and after the session
- go slowly, hearing all the grievances first, over several sessions if necessary
- offer praise for good things the sister has done to improve her relationship
- offer help with childcare so couple can talk in private
- once you have a grasp of the problems, develop a plan to address each area--starting with the most dire issues, one at a time
- prepare Scriptural support for your counsel, give sister a copy each time
- give homework designed to improve the sister's relationship with Christ
- teach her to pray for her husband, confess her own sins, and to pray specifically for their relationship
Seek counsel from one woman, or from a couple, rather than from a women's group. The more people involved, the more likely you are to be judged, ridiculed, or gossiped about.
The best counsel will be from a woman who:
- is older than you
- is mature in the faith
- has a gentle and quiet spirit
- is a prayer warrior
- has a happy marriage that has been tested (difficulties in the past)
- has not had an easy life (hardship grows compassion)
- is not prone to gossip--even the subtle type
- knows the Bible
- knows you and your husband
- is positive and encouraging
- believes in sanctity of marriage
Find a Christian couple if your husband is living in sin; a man should address your husband's issues.
When should you seek counsel?
- when your husband is living in sin (infidelity, pornography, emotional cheating (too close to women at work)
- when your husband is abusive--verbally or physically (leave home with children if you don't feel safe)
- when you feel overwhelmed with the demands of the relationship
- when intimacy slows down or stops (not caused by health issue or childbirth)
- when walls of resentment begin to build
- when you can't forgive
- when strife becomes commonplace (in the absence of a crisis)
- when the grass starts looking very green elsewhere
Building a counseling relationship with a hurting Christian sister:
- listen without interruption
- avoid judging statements or body language
- start each session in prayer
- give thanks for the counseling relationship
- pray before, during, and after the session
- go slowly, hearing all the grievances first, over several sessions if necessary
- offer praise for good things the sister has done to improve her relationship
- offer help with childcare so couple can talk in private
- once you have a grasp of the problems, develop a plan to address each area--starting with the most dire issues, one at a time
- prepare Scriptural support for your counsel, give sister a copy each time
- give homework designed to improve the sister's relationship with Christ
- teach her to pray for her husband, confess her own sins, and to pray specifically for their relationship
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Is marriage talk taboo among Christian sisters?
A few days ago I read a thoughtful piece Amy Scott wrote about expressing compassion toward women experiencing difficult marriages. There's an unwritten rule in Christian circles that a wife shouldn't air her marriage grievances, since doing so could dishonor her husband. Amy's article happened to center around a wife experiencing verbal abuse. Several of the blog comments were so judgmental of Amy's piece that she later wrote an "I Messed Up" piece. For the record, I thought Amy did a lovely job on her original article; I know God will use it to bless many women.
While gossipy talk about husbands is certainly unwise (referring to "he never takes out the trash" grievances, here) have we, in Christian circles, forced confused, hurting wives into emotional isolation, thereby allowing their marriages to get worse--leading to a Christian divorce rate of around 50% (roughly equaling the secular divorce rate)?
It's often when we share with the wrong person and get burned, that we learn this important "no sharing" rule, in regards to marriage. I keep mum about my marriage except on this anonymous blog. Anonymity is so important to me that I plan to always write with a pseudonym, whether for pleasure or for a paying market (should I ever have time to develop marketable writing skills, that is).
Writers write what they live....what they know. My desire is to write truth--to glorify God by proclaiming his miraculous works in my heart and life. If I'm compelled to alter or filter my words too much, I end up saying nothing. But, I would never want to hurt anyone with my words, either. My husband is tough and gives me permission to write my heart--telling me he has nothing to hide. He is a man of contrasts, for sure. While exuding confidence in a job interview is challenging for him, he does have personal confidence in who he is in Christ. He has never cared what anyone thought of him, whether it be about his clothing, his vehicle, his job, his status. However, other people in my family, including my children, may not have that same toughness, so anonymity seems the merciful way to go.
Since I got married at 33, I had plenty of time to contemplate what kind of union I wanted. Peace, honor, and trustworthiness were most important to me. My hunch then, and still today, is that highly confident, successful men struggle more with infidelity, addiction, insensitivity, selfishness, and a sense of entitlement. Their success leads to feelings of invincibility, making them feel they're exempt from decency. My own father, who didn't raise me beyond the age of three but with whom I had regular contact, was cocky, confident, successful after 40, and a shameless philanderer. He is five years into his fifth marriage, at age 70. (Yes, he's an extreme case.) Certainly there are successful men who are also exemplary husbands and fathers, but I find them to be the exception, rather than the rule, partially because their balanced personality type is less common.
People who come from dysfunctional families tend to have dysfunctional reasons for choosing their life partners, although at the time of the wedding, they're unaware of this. Later on, this makes for some complicated marriages--not doomed, just more problematic than money squabbles and time and space issues.
Whether a woman has married a good provider, a good partner and father, or both, she is bound to encounter confusing stages of marriage. Especially if she didn't grow up in a Christian home, there are a lot of qualities she'll need that won't come naturally to her. The younger she is, the more this may be true.
I think the key to saving marriages is to get to them before the thick walls of resentment set in--before a couple wakes up every morning with the same relational problems...the same hopelessness. Women need support in their marriages! And that support often needs to be more specific than mere Bible verses provide. Godly women need to be willing to hear grievances and, without judgement, assist confused, hurting sisters (using God's word, and specific counsel, encouragement and accountability).
In the past, I would have suggested here that women go to their pastors for this counsel. That may be a winning choice for many. Last year I saw my pastor for counsel on how to deal with a substance-addicted relative. It was a positive experience. However, my husband went to the same pastor for counsel on dealing with the depression and hopelessness of underemployment, and his experience was terrible. He still cringes when we're face-to-face with that pastor. Unfortunately, it was my idea for him to go see our Pastor; I was worried about potential suicidal thoughts, should the depression continue. I was wrong. Husband is stressed and battles recurring depression right now, but it's under control. It's to be expected, under the circumstances.
How I wish I'd never suggested counsel!
Anyhow, on my next post on this topic, I want to follow up Amy's article by brainstorming a list of qualities a woman should seek when looking for wise marriage counsel from a fellow Christian sister (or Christian couple).
Have a good weekend, friends!
While gossipy talk about husbands is certainly unwise (referring to "he never takes out the trash" grievances, here) have we, in Christian circles, forced confused, hurting wives into emotional isolation, thereby allowing their marriages to get worse--leading to a Christian divorce rate of around 50% (roughly equaling the secular divorce rate)?
It's often when we share with the wrong person and get burned, that we learn this important "no sharing" rule, in regards to marriage. I keep mum about my marriage except on this anonymous blog. Anonymity is so important to me that I plan to always write with a pseudonym, whether for pleasure or for a paying market (should I ever have time to develop marketable writing skills, that is).
Writers write what they live....what they know. My desire is to write truth--to glorify God by proclaiming his miraculous works in my heart and life. If I'm compelled to alter or filter my words too much, I end up saying nothing. But, I would never want to hurt anyone with my words, either. My husband is tough and gives me permission to write my heart--telling me he has nothing to hide. He is a man of contrasts, for sure. While exuding confidence in a job interview is challenging for him, he does have personal confidence in who he is in Christ. He has never cared what anyone thought of him, whether it be about his clothing, his vehicle, his job, his status. However, other people in my family, including my children, may not have that same toughness, so anonymity seems the merciful way to go.
Since I got married at 33, I had plenty of time to contemplate what kind of union I wanted. Peace, honor, and trustworthiness were most important to me. My hunch then, and still today, is that highly confident, successful men struggle more with infidelity, addiction, insensitivity, selfishness, and a sense of entitlement. Their success leads to feelings of invincibility, making them feel they're exempt from decency. My own father, who didn't raise me beyond the age of three but with whom I had regular contact, was cocky, confident, successful after 40, and a shameless philanderer. He is five years into his fifth marriage, at age 70. (Yes, he's an extreme case.) Certainly there are successful men who are also exemplary husbands and fathers, but I find them to be the exception, rather than the rule, partially because their balanced personality type is less common.
People who come from dysfunctional families tend to have dysfunctional reasons for choosing their life partners, although at the time of the wedding, they're unaware of this. Later on, this makes for some complicated marriages--not doomed, just more problematic than money squabbles and time and space issues.
Whether a woman has married a good provider, a good partner and father, or both, she is bound to encounter confusing stages of marriage. Especially if she didn't grow up in a Christian home, there are a lot of qualities she'll need that won't come naturally to her. The younger she is, the more this may be true.
I think the key to saving marriages is to get to them before the thick walls of resentment set in--before a couple wakes up every morning with the same relational problems...the same hopelessness. Women need support in their marriages! And that support often needs to be more specific than mere Bible verses provide. Godly women need to be willing to hear grievances and, without judgement, assist confused, hurting sisters (using God's word, and specific counsel, encouragement and accountability).
In the past, I would have suggested here that women go to their pastors for this counsel. That may be a winning choice for many. Last year I saw my pastor for counsel on how to deal with a substance-addicted relative. It was a positive experience. However, my husband went to the same pastor for counsel on dealing with the depression and hopelessness of underemployment, and his experience was terrible. He still cringes when we're face-to-face with that pastor. Unfortunately, it was my idea for him to go see our Pastor; I was worried about potential suicidal thoughts, should the depression continue. I was wrong. Husband is stressed and battles recurring depression right now, but it's under control. It's to be expected, under the circumstances.
How I wish I'd never suggested counsel!
Anyhow, on my next post on this topic, I want to follow up Amy's article by brainstorming a list of qualities a woman should seek when looking for wise marriage counsel from a fellow Christian sister (or Christian couple).
Have a good weekend, friends!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
the unforced rhythms of grace in parenting
In my signature neurotic, conscientious way, I worry about how much sleep each child is getting. I have the pediatric sleep chart memorized for each age range. Yeah, I know. That's really neurotic.
I know the folly of letting a child get over-tired and wired. I know the value of predictable bedtime routines, which ease a child into sleep.
When each child awakes in the morning, I note the time on the clock and count backwards to the time they fell asleep the night before. Did they get their required hours?
Despite my Herculean efforts, bedtime doesn't always go smoothly around here. Sometimes, in fact, it goes so horrendously, I wonder why the heck these silly rules are even written!
When I first started parenting, I bought the line that if you just show 'em who's boss, everything will go smoothly. They'll fall in line like faithful soldiers.
Now, I see their little hearts. I look into their eyes and want to know them. Sometimes they feel good and want to please me. Other times, they don't know why, but they just can't fall in line. They're off somehow.
How often does that happen to adults, in regards to Heavenly Father's wishes? How often do we fail to fall in line?
Mary was off at bedtime tonight. She whined, fought, felt sorry, then hugged me. Then she struggled again, with some disrespect spilling from her angst-ridden face. She cried, grabbed my neck, hugged me wild.
Was she over-tired? Getting sick?
Instead of discipline, GRACE. Not always, and God will lead the way in this......if we seek His face.
Things often don't go as formulas--like sleep charts--would have us believe.
Because we're raising up souls, not soldiers.
I want to be a haven of rest for them. The face of Christ, above all.
Matthew 11:28-30 The Message (Peterson, 1993)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28-30 King James Version
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
I know the folly of letting a child get over-tired and wired. I know the value of predictable bedtime routines, which ease a child into sleep.
When each child awakes in the morning, I note the time on the clock and count backwards to the time they fell asleep the night before. Did they get their required hours?
Despite my Herculean efforts, bedtime doesn't always go smoothly around here. Sometimes, in fact, it goes so horrendously, I wonder why the heck these silly rules are even written!
When I first started parenting, I bought the line that if you just show 'em who's boss, everything will go smoothly. They'll fall in line like faithful soldiers.
Now, I see their little hearts. I look into their eyes and want to know them. Sometimes they feel good and want to please me. Other times, they don't know why, but they just can't fall in line. They're off somehow.
How often does that happen to adults, in regards to Heavenly Father's wishes? How often do we fail to fall in line?
Mary was off at bedtime tonight. She whined, fought, felt sorry, then hugged me. Then she struggled again, with some disrespect spilling from her angst-ridden face. She cried, grabbed my neck, hugged me wild.
Was she over-tired? Getting sick?
Instead of discipline, GRACE. Not always, and God will lead the way in this......if we seek His face.
Things often don't go as formulas--like sleep charts--would have us believe.
Because we're raising up souls, not soldiers.
I want to be a haven of rest for them. The face of Christ, above all.
Matthew 11:28-30 The Message (Peterson, 1993)
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28-30 King James Version
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
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