Married...with Disability

wheelchair groom with best man

My husband was across the street telling a neighbor about our bat, when my eight year old tried to hand feed it a fly. And me? Out grocery shopping.

The news that Paul narrowly avoided injury and possibly a round of precautionary rabies shots, angered me. I can't even go to the store, taking for granted my kids are safe? Why wasn't the bat put up high, away from curious hands? Why weren't Paul and the other children told about the inherent dangers? Why were three young children left in the house alone, while husband and Peter briefly talked with a neighbor across the street?

There's a short answer and a long one, a benign one and a not-so-benign one, but neither are my point today.

What I want to write about today is marriage. It can get pretty complicated, yes? While even the best marriages are wrought with complications, some issues bring more hardship than others.

What about marriages in which the husband has a disability? This isn't a marriage topic that typically comes up and that's unfortunate. A fair number of women deal with this reality. Married men can suffer from ADHD, mild brain injury, clinical depression, Bipolar Disorder, split personality disorder, paralysis, an autistic spectrum issue, schizophrenia, chronic fatigue syndrome...the list goes on.

Affected wives can experience anger, isolation, despair, and deep exhaustion from handling so much alone. And yet the Bible doesn't allow for divorce when one spouse is handicapped, however difficult the circumstances.

Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders in the home, but what about those who can barely handle themselves on a daily basis, through no fault of their own?

God is with these families too. No matter how difficult individual days or weeks or years can be, God is with you, behind the scenes, redeeming it all for his glory. He has not forsaken you.

Some things to take to heart:

~ Don't Compare

Though some marriages you encounter seem ideal--or at least far easier than yours--this is rarely true. Few people are transparent about their marriages and some purposely exalt them. Behind the scenes there's always pain--not always in the first several years, but definitely later when children enter the picture. Or if children don't enter the picture (a different kind of searing pain).

As hard as your situation may seem, the cozy scene next door might be worse for you. God knows your talents and gifts. Your marriage is tailored to those in a divine way. It magnifies your good and strengthens your weaknesses. Trust this. Trust God. Don't compare.


~ Be Thankful

Your husband has wonderful qualities. Yes, he does! List them. Get to know them. Celebrate them. Build upon them in your heart. Satan wants you to dwell on the hardship. Refuse to. Refuse to bow to the poison of discontent.

Maybe your husband can't bring home a lot of bacon, but he loves you well and loves his children well.

Maybe he rarely smiles and sleeps too much from depression, but he listens well to your feelings. He validates them, honors them. He cherishes you.

Maybe he has to take medication with awful side affects, like ugly mood swings, but he provides well for you and you're able to give generously to others and save for retirement.

Maybe his mild brain injury leaves people shaking their heads in social situations, embarrassing you, but he makes you laugh and eases all your stress.

Maybe he's in his own little world, isolated from feelings, but he can fix anything and he lives to serve you.

~ Live the gospel 

As much as Satan says you deserve someone better, someone whole, reject this. We can't waste our time on that word deserve. We deserve death with everlasting suffering. And yet God has mercy on us. He gives grace on top of mercy.

Have mercy on your husband. And then give grace--your unwavering respect and devotion. He didn't choose to have a disorder. You two were chosen to live the gospel in a very real way. God believes you can do this, if you remain in Him. Remember that he equips you to do it.

Your situation drives you to a deeper relationship with God. That is huge. It's a gift.

It's not a lonely road, really. Anytime we have a unique situation, it feels lonely, but that's just a perception.

We're never without the God of the Universe. Our Father. Our Redeemer. Our Comforter. Our Rock. Our Answer.

~ Pray through

Lord, help me to love him one more day. Best marriage advice ever. Just this. Pray it every day. Lord, help me to love him one more day.

~ Be humble

Scripture says there's a plank in my eye, in every eye. I'm not so easy for my husband to live with, and either are you for yours. We best remember that.

Marriage is a faith road with eternal rewards. 

Stay in the race. 

Don't compare. 

Be thankful. 

Live the gospel.

Pray through.

Be humble.

Finish strongly and run to your Father's arms on your last day. And hear this: Well done, good and faithful servant.

photo credit

Caveat on a Bible Study Reference I Gave

I recommended a Bible study series on the Armor of God a short while ago. I liked the series, but because you have to read the fine print on Bible sites (especially if you're going to recommend them), I asked my husband to read through the doctrinal statement of the parent site (United Church of God). At first glance I didn't see serious red flags, other than a few unnecessary things about clean meat, Jewish feasts, and the correct day for worship. I didn't care for any of these "extras", listed way at the bottom of their other doctrines, but wasn't willing to throw out a good study because of them. At that point.

Husband, the Bible scholar around here, has some serious reservations about some points of their doctrinal statement (a Rob Bell kind of feel). Also, they don't directly mention the Trinity. He didn't tell me his concerns right away because he didn't know I had already given the Bible study recommendation. While some of their Bible study materials might line up well with Scripture, that may not be true of others.

Reading through any doctrinal statement can be intimidating. They are often very long and quite theological. Sorry I missed important items, and I'm also sorry for including the reference without first waiting for husband to look over the parent site.

A Boy and His Camera

  Notice the shadow of an insect on the underside of this flower.

  A bunny and a squirrel sharing what drops from the bird feeder.

 He's thrilled (we all are) at how many insects are attracted to his zinnias--an idea he gathered from his garden books.

 A rare people picture. Peter and my husband rarely take any people pictures. Nature steals the show. I believe Paul is behind the camera here.

 A cicada, "the first healthy one of the season", says Peter excitedly, shoving it in my face.

Mary lifted the slip n' slide off the porch and found this bat. Yes, a brown bat  On. my. porch.

A hole in its wing, the poor thing can't fly. Husband made ten calls yesterday, trying to find it a home. "Sorry, we don't take bats" they all said, giving him another agency to call.

The bat spent the night in the master bedroom closet, in a container. This was after Paul tried yesterday to hand feed it a fly, without asking Daddy. Oh, the horror. The sweet bat? It did not bite my boy, thank the Lord. But until we get to a state park today and ask a ranger for advice as to letting it go (a bat box in the nature park, maybe?), it stays up in the closet, away from curious hands.

Did I sleep soundly, hearing it nocturnally move the best it could in its injured state? Not exactly. I told husband if it moves too heavily and the container falls to the floor (the lid wasn't fastened as to allow air), we could make a run for it out of the master bedroom, closing the door behind us. Then, safe from rabies, we would come up with a plan about getting our room back. He laughed at me.

 The sweet bat--I call it that because it refused to bite my Paul--with its fangs teeth showing. 

Brandon Klug holds a little brown bat (Myotis lucifugus) captured from an attic in Montana. Little brown bats often inhabit attics of buildings, both used and abandoned, in the summers because the warmth makes it easier to raise young. (Credit: Erin Baerwald, University of Calgary)

According to this article, (the above photo accompanied the article) less than 1 percent of bats actually have rabies. Previously, it was thought that ten percent of bats carry the disease. They are kind of cute, yes? I had no idea they were so little!

Your turn now. What's shown up in your yard lately?

Thankful Thursday (on Fri.)

Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God.

I Thessalonians 5.16-18

“Gratitude is a vaccine, an antitoxin, and an antiseptic.” -- John Henry Jowett

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.
-- John Milton

Dear Lord, thank you for these gifts:

~ The Growing Story, by Ruth Krauss. Oh, my heart loved it! A little boy notices, along with his mother, all the growing-up changes that happen to the animals and plants and trees, but he wonders, "Why am I not growing, too? This story introduces seasonal, math, and farm concepts, featuring wonderful art work. The heartwarming conclusion, priceless, is sure to make any mother cry, and any child rejoice.

~ The Doorbell Rang, by Pat Hutchins. Pat Hutchins is one of my favorite children's authors and she doesn't disappoint in this fun math book about dividing homemade cookies among friends and family who keep knocking on the door. With each knock, the math changes and children will delight in the problem solving depicted here. Around since 1986, this book has delighted millions. Bake some cookies and enjoy some math with your children!

~ Cool Robots, by Sean Kenney. My boys can't get over how incredible this book is...sure to delight any Lego-loving boy or girl in your home. If you have the small Legos from Lego Creator toys, you'll have enough on hand to build these nifty robots. Fun and fabulous!

~ Singing Father Abraham with my preschoolers (and my big boys). If you've forgotten this classic Christian kids' song with its giggle-inducing motions, view this short teaching video with your children. Even 46-year-old mothers are known to giggle through it and want to repeat it again and again.

~ Falling asleep holding husband's hand.

~ The zinnias, which Peter planted in the garden to attract insects, bring the most beautiful butterflies!

~ A new hummingbird feeder attracting hummingbirds on the second day.

~ Daddy, home recovering from surgery until Monday, spending individual time with each child. He instinctively knows what each child needs.

~ Husband's breaded yellow squash (from the garden)

~ Lots of banana peppers this year.

~ Children chewing sugar-snap peas fresh from the garden.

~ Sisters pretending to be mother and daughter--their favorite game.

~ Sweet, delicious strawberries this year.

~ Miss Beth deciding she loves shepherd's pie. Last winter and spring she wouldn't touch it.

~ A few good rains greening the grass. Local corn isn't fairing well, though. Lord, help the farmers! Give them strength and faith in your divine provision. 

~ Miss Beth smiling at everyone, wherever we go. Three is a flirtatious age. :)

~ The children learning so much from the Book of James (and the adults relearning).  

~ Mary moving right along in beginning reading skills.

~ A second writing program purchase, Writing Strands, which begins a bit simpler than The Institute For Excellence in Writing. Both programs are excellent, but Writing Strands is far cheaper.

~ The church calling to see how my husband is doing.

So Busy, And Prayer Request

I miss this space.

Miss Beth has four appointments scheduled this week, between speech, dental, and her two therapy sessions. All were (are) necessary.

I love the speech therapist exceedingly well. According to the testing workup, Beth is a smart little cookie with lots to say. As I suspected, her intelligibility needs a lot of work. On paper her articulation disorder looks moderate, but the therapist couldn't understand much of what she said--except when Beth was naming pictures--so she thinks it is moderate to severe, but fairly easy to correct.

She will also work on a few articulation issues in Mary and Paul (articulation difficulties run in the family) hopefully in group session with Beth, so that we can meet fewer times and keep our lives more sane. Lately, sane doesn't describe our schedule, but the swimming therapy ends after August, so that will improve things some. Beth's issues seem to run our schedule, unfortunately.

Another stressful thing.

Lexi, the neighborhood friend I've written about, recently suffered another tragedy in her life. Her mother and her mother's boyfriend were both arrested for domestic violence. Lexi and her brother witnessed it, and Lexi had to go to a neighbor's to ask for help. This didn't occur in our neighborhood, which is relatively quiet. It was at the boyfriend's residence about twenty minutes away.

So, they are back living with the grandmother and grandpa in our neighborhood. The mother's car was towed here yesterday, and she was released from jail.

Both Lexi and her brother came to visit yesterday--the first time we've seen her six-year-old brother. They both have anxiety issues and behavior issues and the brother's visit made me realize I can't keep ministering to Lexi as I'd like, especially if the brother now accompanies her here. I wasn't able to control him at all.

The more the mother--who probably has mental problems--upsets these children, the worse their own issues become, and the less I can do for them, outside of much prayer. Yesterday was overwhelming and I can't keep up that pace. Now that they are living here again, the visits would be very frequent and long, since the mother has little control over them and she apparently appreciates the long visits here.

All of their needs are very great. I don't think Lexi or her brother would be accepted by any daycare, due to behavioral problems and volatility, so the mother might be prevented from holding down even a menial job--thus, no home of their own. The grandparents probably can't handle the kids on their own, either.

Worse, the mother's poverty and her own emotional/mental issues probably lead her to one troubled man after another.

Please pray for this family?

It seems that life is so much about what country you're born into, and what family and issues you inherit. Overcoming huge things like this takes the strength of a relationship with God. Please pray that for Lexi and her family?

Thank you!