Married...with Disability

wheelchair groom with best man

My husband was across the street telling a neighbor about our bat, when my eight year old tried to hand feed it a fly. And me? Out grocery shopping.

The news that Paul narrowly avoided injury and possibly a round of precautionary rabies shots, angered me. I can't even go to the store, taking for granted my kids are safe? Why wasn't the bat put up high, away from curious hands? Why weren't Paul and the other children told about the inherent dangers? Why were three young children left in the house alone, while husband and Peter briefly talked with a neighbor across the street?

There's a short answer and a long one, a benign one and a not-so-benign one, but neither are my point today.

What I want to write about today is marriage. It can get pretty complicated, yes? While even the best marriages are wrought with complications, some issues bring more hardship than others.

What about marriages in which the husband has a disability? This isn't a marriage topic that typically comes up and that's unfortunate. A fair number of women deal with this reality. Married men can suffer from ADHD, mild brain injury, clinical depression, Bipolar Disorder, split personality disorder, paralysis, an autistic spectrum issue, schizophrenia, chronic fatigue syndrome...the list goes on.

Affected wives can experience anger, isolation, despair, and deep exhaustion from handling so much alone. And yet the Bible doesn't allow for divorce when one spouse is handicapped, however difficult the circumstances.

Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders in the home, but what about those who can barely handle themselves on a daily basis, through no fault of their own?

God is with these families too. No matter how difficult individual days or weeks or years can be, God is with you, behind the scenes, redeeming it all for his glory. He has not forsaken you.

Some things to take to heart:

~ Don't Compare

Though some marriages you encounter seem ideal--or at least far easier than yours--this is rarely true. Few people are transparent about their marriages and some purposely exalt them. Behind the scenes there's always pain--not always in the first several years, but definitely later when children enter the picture. Or if children don't enter the picture (a different kind of searing pain).

As hard as your situation may seem, the cozy scene next door might be worse for you. God knows your talents and gifts. Your marriage is tailored to those in a divine way. It magnifies your good and strengthens your weaknesses. Trust this. Trust God. Don't compare.


~ Be Thankful

Your husband has wonderful qualities. Yes, he does! List them. Get to know them. Celebrate them. Build upon them in your heart. Satan wants you to dwell on the hardship. Refuse to. Refuse to bow to the poison of discontent.

Maybe your husband can't bring home a lot of bacon, but he loves you well and loves his children well.

Maybe he rarely smiles and sleeps too much from depression, but he listens well to your feelings. He validates them, honors them. He cherishes you.

Maybe he has to take medication with awful side affects, like ugly mood swings, but he provides well for you and you're able to give generously to others and save for retirement.

Maybe his mild brain injury leaves people shaking their heads in social situations, embarrassing you, but he makes you laugh and eases all your stress.

Maybe he's in his own little world, isolated from feelings, but he can fix anything and he lives to serve you.

~ Live the gospel 

As much as Satan says you deserve someone better, someone whole, reject this. We can't waste our time on that word deserve. We deserve death with everlasting suffering. And yet God has mercy on us. He gives grace on top of mercy.

Have mercy on your husband. And then give grace--your unwavering respect and devotion. He didn't choose to have a disorder. You two were chosen to live the gospel in a very real way. God believes you can do this, if you remain in Him. Remember that he equips you to do it.

Your situation drives you to a deeper relationship with God. That is huge. It's a gift.

It's not a lonely road, really. Anytime we have a unique situation, it feels lonely, but that's just a perception.

We're never without the God of the Universe. Our Father. Our Redeemer. Our Comforter. Our Rock. Our Answer.

~ Pray through

Lord, help me to love him one more day. Best marriage advice ever. Just this. Pray it every day. Lord, help me to love him one more day.

~ Be humble

Scripture says there's a plank in my eye, in every eye. I'm not so easy for my husband to live with, and either are you for yours. We best remember that.

Marriage is a faith road with eternal rewards. 

Stay in the race. 

Don't compare. 

Be thankful. 

Live the gospel.

Pray through.

Be humble.

Finish strongly and run to your Father's arms on your last day. And hear this: Well done, good and faithful servant.

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