Multitude Monday: What I Want for Christmas

My local Walmart already has two complete aisles of Christmas ornaments stocked. Before Halloween even.

And this leads me to a terrible, taboo confession. 

I hate Christmas.

No, I haven't always felt this way. I used to love Christmas. I found it the most exciting time of year, even when I lived in sunny San Diego. My mom and step-dad, non-Christians, always made a big deal about this holiday in a secular sense. I grew up loving the presents and the festivities and the token church visit, though they gave up on that once-a-year church service well before my teens. 

When I learned to drive, I went to Christmas service by myself or with a friend's family.

My parents probably used credit cards for most of Christmas and struggled to pay it back before the next Christmas arrived. 

I'm over 10 years into my parenting experience and at first I mimicked my upbringing regarding Christmas, at least until I quit my part-time job.

After that, Christmas became more challenging. The first year I think we used a credit card for very modest gifts, both for our two boys and for our families. That year, Christmas felt like nothing but an obligation. It didn't seem acceptable to stop getting gifts for my family because Christmas was a big deal to them. And I knew they would send us gifts. 

So we went through the motions, but there was no joy in it. Just worry.

After I quit working we happened to move to a state experiencing economic downturn several years earlier than most of the nation. Wages are low here still, seven years later, and jobs are plentiful only in large cities. 

In 2009 things got worse for us when my husband lost his full-time job. Christmas became something we could no longer participate in. Just holiday food overwhelmed our budget. 

One year a church adopted us and bought our children gifts. We were very grateful because the thought of having nothing for them to open on Christmas morning made us sick to our stomachs. 

They did also receive gifts from my mom and step-dad, but they always opened those early, upon arrival.

For two years a generous friend sent a surprise monetary gift, so my children had several things to share on Christmas morning. 

Because of others' generosity, my children still don't know what a barren Christmas feels like.

Every year all we could thing of was....will they have anything to open on Christmas morning? At the same time, I knew they had enough toys. They didn't need anything. They had a mom and dad who loved each other, who were committed to one another for life, they had Jesus and a Christian upbringing, a decent home and enough to do. They were far more blessed than most of the kids in the world. 

80% of the world lives on less than $2.50 a day. So what did my kids have to worry about?

The things under the tree? They broke easily or they were quickly forgotten. Not four weeks after Christmas, it became clear that everything but the books we bought from Goodwill and the craft paint, was money down the drain. 

All so our kids wouldn't cry quiet tears on Christmas morning. That was our biggest fear.

I began to contemplate the whole thing heavily last Christmas. We had money to make baked good for our relatives, but we didn't have money for postage for out-of-state family, which was most of our family, save for two aunts who reside here. 

So we gave next to nothing and our kids got gifts I bought with money sent by Grandma. Not because they needed them, but because I felt she would get upset if I didn't spend at least $100 on the kids. The rest of her Christmas money went to overdue utility bills.

Last year was the first year I was brave enough to admit it. I hate Christmas and everything our culture does with it. We live so much richer than the rest of the world, and our only thought at Christmas is to buy new things for people who already have too much. And fifty percent of the time, it's out of obligation.

Let me digress a little here.

Once we were the recipients of a Thanksgiving basket. Do you know what it contained, besides a turkey (for which we were very grateful)? Outdated canned and boxed food, donated by the church body.

I was very grateful for that turkey, but I thought long and hard about those outdated cans and boxes. 

Have you ever gone through your cupboard for food-pantry drives? Is your first instinct to give what you don't use? Or to give the best things in your cupboard?

I will never forget those outdated offerings, and now, when my church does food drives, I always give the best, most-needed things from my cupboard, knowing God will replace them. First fruits. 

My husband works at a church that sponsors a large rummage sale every year. For a whole month prior to the sale, merchandise comes in, for which he's responsible for receiving and storing. 80% of what comes in is junk people just want to dump.

However, about 20% of the items are good used items, and every year the church makes several thousand dollars for local charities. Thank God for the 20% who understand the first fruits concept!

One more digression about giving, and then I'll get back to Christmas.

One year ago, we sponsored Nelson from El Salvador for $38 a month, on faith. You could say it wasn't wise, given our situation. We write to two other children who are sponsored by someone else and we love them dearly, but we really wanted another child to love and write to, sponsored by our family.

In honor of our one-year sponsorship anniversary, and to demonstrate God's faithfulness, let me tell you how we were blessed this past year, as we gave $38 to Nelson each month.

• My husband and my boys were given free basketball and free football tickets, five times. 


• My aunt and uncle, who inherited some money, gave us a Christmas gift of $1000 worth of repairs on our two old vehicles. 


• When our vacuum cleaner broke, an acquaintance gave us her spare. 


• Several times this year there were banquets at my husband's work church and he was given the left-over food for our family.


• This same church is having its used piano delivered to our home this Wednesday for our son, Paul, who is self-teaching on the piano and doing very well. His cheap lap piano broke for good two days before the church called. He cried when it broke and I was heartbroken, knowing there was no way to replace it. Now, he will have a real piano! 

• The children's hospital Beth goes to for arthritis care sent our family to the zoo and to a Thomas the Train exhibit.

And these are only the blessings I can think of off the top of my head! I'm sure there are more. Giving no longer feels like a brave thing to do. It feels like the perfect thing to do.

Now, back to those Christmas ornaments I passed at Walmart last week.

When I saw them, my heart sank. Christmas is for the rich and the middle class, I told myself, and I'm neither of those.

As I drove home, I prayed. I don't want to hate Christmas, God. Show me another way to get through this season. Show me how it can be a joyous occasion. Show me how it can honor You, despite what our culture's done with it.

I want my life to be fashioned after Biblical precepts, not after the world. So the next day, I prayed about Christmas again. I live in a Christmas culture and it's not going away. I can't hibernate for the season.

What does the Bible say about it? The first and only Christmas in the Bible. That was my next thought. 

Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the Wise Men, the shepherds, the animals, the manger...I thought about all of it. 

Jesus received three gifts. Is that what I should do...give Jesus three gifts? Is it that simple? 

The Sheep and the Goats (source)

³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

⁴⁶ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

Soon, I had a clear picture of what I wanted to do for Christmas. I honestly believe the Holy Spirit put these thoughts in my head. 

I want to give a generous family gift to our Compassion sponsor child, Nelson, and also to our correspondent children, Divya and Raphael. I also want to give every child in my neighborhood The Jesus Storybook Bible. And I want to invite them to bring it with them once a week, for an after-school Bible Study at my house, complete with snack time and prayer.

I don't have a penny to do any of this. But God does and this is what he wants for Christmas. My job is to pray for the funds to come in. For the first time in years, I am excited about Christmas! 

Only God knows what to do about my own children. They don't need anything but underwear and socks, but if He wants them to have something to unwrap on Christmas morning, I trust him to provide it. And if not, I trust Him to give them joy of an eternal kind.

The kind of joy that doesn't break or get stuck in the vacuum.

I urge you, pray about Christmas. What would God have you do to make it honor Him, instead of capitalism. Ask him what He wants this year, and give of your best. Your very best for Jesus. Money is not an object...because God? He owns the earth and everything in it.

For some giving inspiration, I'd though you'd enjoy a couple more stories:

The following are true stories in a series of radio spots by Brian Kluth of GiveWithJoy.org

When I was in my 20s, I moved to another city to take a new job. After I was told my salary, I sat down and wrote up a budget. First, I decided I would give 10% of my gross income to the LORD. I then discovered I could only afford $100 a month for rent and $55 a month for groceries. That wasn’t much money, but I prayed and asked God to lead me. That same day, someone invited me to their house for dinner. It was a large home where 6 single Christian guys lived. After dinner, they invited me to move in with them. I told them I couldn’t afford it. They then told me the rent was $100 a month and the shared grocery bill was $55 a month. I was blown away. I had decided to honor the LORD with 10% of my new salary and then God gave me a great place to live for exactly what I could afford. You, too, can learn to honor God and see Him provide.

A friend e-mailed about his 89-year-old mother. She had called him on the phone to confess she hadn't been tithing because she was on a fixed income--but she'd decided that she was going to start faithfully tithing again. Within a few days, she got a call from her pastor asking her to go on a church prayer retreat with all the expenses paid by the church. The next day, she went to her bank to get some money and the bank teller told her, “Don’t withdraw any money, since your 90th birthday is coming up, our bank is going to give you a present of $100 in cash!" The following day, she got a letter from a community group to let her know she had been chosen to receive a $500 grant to help pay her utility bills. After she began tithing again, she was amazed at the unexpected provisions she received from the LORD.

 Giving thanks today:

~ My Paul marveling at God's gift of a real piano.

~ My children having a wonderful time at the fall homeschooling party.

~ Meeting a very nice lady there (the hostess).

~ Hugs from Beth in the middle of the night.

~ Husband playing basketball with our boys and all the neighborhood boys.

~ Lexi coming over today to braid my girls' hair and bake muffins with my Paul and rake leaves with Peter, for his compost. She hadn't been here for over a week because she was getting very involved with two teenage girls, which worried me. They are too old for her. I prayed for a second chance to disciple her and re-spark her interest in the Lord...and today...she came and had a wonderful time! She missed AWANA last week and we knew a spiritual battle had begun. We are praying for victory and for her to give her life to the Lord.

~ spiritual fruit coming from my Mary

~ Psalms

~ Old Testament stories

~ The wonderful presentation of the Gospel in The Jesus Storybook Bible

~ Husband put up rain gutters in the playroom for me to display books on.

~ Beth will not need surgery for her wandering eyes (strasbismus). Her glasses are correcting it well enough. And there was no arthritis-related eye inflammation seen at her last appointment. What a huge relief both pieces of news are to us! She gets checked again in three months.

Giving thanks with Ann today, and other thankful ladies.

Fruitful Fridays Part 2: Walking With the Spirit

We continue our series on the Fruits of the Spirit today. Read part 1 here. Our main text for Fruitful Fridays will be Galatians 5:13-26. 

Galatians 5:13-15 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

The Galatian churches to whom Paul wrote this letter were battling each other mercilessly as they put themselves under the yoke of the law. They wanted new believers to be circumcised and follow Jewish law as the only means to a holy life. You can't battle sin, they reasoned, without having rules to follow. 

This made sense to them because they still lacked a crucial understanding: the law has no power. It doesn't transform a heart. It leads to pride and arrogance and hate as each person seeks to establish his own merit by his adherence to the rules. The entire focus is on the self, not on others. Outdoing each other becomes the only goal, leading to biting and devouring. 

Two components were missing in thinking of Jewish law as a means of holiness: righteousness and power...Christ's righteousness imputed, and the Spirit's power to transform. The Galatians churches needed to tap into the power of the Spirit and live in the freedom Christ designed for them. Some were not true Christians yet, and some were misled Christians.

John 14:16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—

Paul desperately wanted them to understand that the Spirit would fulfill the law in them. The fulfillment of the law is love. Love (serve) one another. Instead of being slaves to the law, be slaves to love through Jesus Christ, who bought and paid for you.

Galatians 5:16-18 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

So in a renewed man, where there is something of a good principle, there is a struggle between the old nature and the new nature, the remainders of sin and the beginnings of grace; and this Christians must expect will be their exercise as long as they continue in this world.

Note, The best antidote against the poison of sin is to walk in the Spirit, to be much in conversing with spiritual things, to mind the things of the soul, which is the spiritual part of man, more than those of the body, which is his carnal part, to commit ourselves to the guidance of the word, wherein the Holy Spirit makes known the will of God concerning us, and in the way of our duty to act in a dependence on his aids and influences.

- Matthew Henry

For as long as we Christians walk this earth, the spiritual battle continues. And we must fight. Walking with the Spirit, we will succeed. We will serve one another in love, acting as disciples of Jesus.

John 13:35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us.

How do we walk with the Spirit when so much flesh rages within us, still?

I am fifteen years into my Christian experience. What's changed over the years is my commitment to the fight. I battle harder now, knowing this is God's will for me in Christ Jesus. He wants me to exchange my self-centeredness, for other-centeredness. 

You should be able to look back over the years and see steady progress in your resolve to engage in the battle. Do you love God more than you used to--evidenced by spending more time with Him? Do you give in to selfishness less often? If you are growing, you're giving up more and more of yourself.  You're gradually living braver, more willing to take a 180-degree turn from the world's ways.

The most progress in my battle with the flesh occurred in the years after comforts were taken away from me. With my husband's 2009 job loss, occurring three months after I gave birth to Beth, significant life change arrived: 

~ poverty-level living

~ very old cars and for a time, a single vehicle 

~ no money to replace old underwear and difficulty keeping everyone in decent shoes

~ a battle to eat well on little income

~ no entertainment at all requiring money unless my husband cashed in his aluminum cans, or someone sent a monetary birthday or Christmas gift. (Loving people have come to our aid in the last three years, and sometimes God sends free football tickets and the like.)

~ constant pressure to meet bills

~ when something breaks we do without for months

~ a 10-year-old computer and a 7-year-old computer, with slow Internet speed (grateful to have one at all)

~ no land phone, no cable, no electronic gadgets, no acquiring of anything, unless needed and used, or very cheap

~ ruined credit (we learned we never should have had credit, at least in the form of credit cards)

~ no health insurance for my husband and myself

Around this same time in 2009, we learned for sure that Peter had ADHD and other issues. In 2011 came revelation that Beth had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis with knee and eye involvement, and now, with ankle involvement. 

Daily life became a battle for survival. I had plenty of reasons to despair and worry and when hormones got the better of me, I did. But mostly, I held on to God. I learned that He is the gift. No matter my circumstances, He is enough.

My husband found two part-time jobs for low pay shortly after his job loss, but the math didn't work out even with long hours. The Lord uses different math, thank goodness. My going to work was contemplated, but we knew we wouldn't be able to disciple our children in the manner Jesus would have done...dwelling with them daily. Living all the hours of life with them, talking, challenging, teaching Christ. The hours left after school and work are the witching hours and we knew we could never disciple successfully under those circumstances. We knew that wasn't our path.

So we chose the discomfort of American poverty, knowing God wouldn't have us go without food, shelter, or clothing. 

The Spirit used it all to transform me. I was saved before, but my walk lacked discipline and focus.

I look back and see that as things were slowly taken from me--comforts, assurances, personal style and pride, earthly security--I clung to the Spirit more, read my Bible and prayed more. 

As I lived the struggle of poverty, I became aware of abject poverty through Compassion International. I read story after story, learning that the redeemed poor had enough in Jesus. They were hungry, in deep need, but they had joy! They displayed a joy unknown in our culture. 

I'm on a long journey with the Lord, and I'm most thankful for the work of the Spirit. I can testify that the Spirit is enough for Christians to choose righteousness and produce fruit.  It is not a losing battle, my friend. 

As a homeschooling mother with more duties than I can keep up with, the Spirit continues to help me do battle, one day at a time. Each day I learn something new for my battle arsenal. I fall, and He picks me up and teaches me why I fell. Each day I love the Lord more and I'm more willing to be his disciple. 

I know the true meaning of blessing now, and my lifestyle is a blessing. 

I include all these personal experiences because as I look at America, I see a people consumed with everything but God. There are new gadgets and new cars and new furniture and new decorations--always acquiring. Together with a plethora of activities, there's a constant hum of busyness, as though we are a people chasing something. The more we do and acquire, the more we are slaves to stuff and to schedules, rather than slaves to love.

To walk with the Spirit with any success or regularity, you have to strip down your life. Everything you don't need is a distraction. Look at every gadget and every activity and ask yourself, how does this help me be a disciple of Jesus? How does this help me walk with the Spirit?

The first step in walking with the Spirit is to quit walking with the world.

1 John 2:15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

See you next Friday, God willing, for more on the fruits of the Spirit.

Walk With Him Wednesday: Joy, Part 2

I'm participating again this week in Ann Voskamp's Walk With Him Wednesday. 

For the next 2 weeks: The Practice of Joy…. What does it mean to choose Crazy Joy? How do we authentically walk through hard times? How do practice the “gigantic secret” of Christians?  We look forward to your Scripture study, stories, encouragement….

Last week we discussed how to access joy (read Part 1 here) through a vibrant relationship with the Lord. We learned that we have to pursue an on-going union with Him through Bible reading and Bible study, through prayer, and through worship (psalms, praises and songs). His presence brings us joy, so we must remain in Him to access joy.

Let me use the next three paragraphs to back up for the benefit of newer believers, or for those seeking the Lord.

How does one access God?

We can only go to the Lord through faith in the saving blood of Jesus Christ. Before the forgiveness of our sins through Jesus' blood, we were unrighteous. God can't accept us that way, but still, he loved us. He wanted union with us. The solution to union with God--the solution the whole Bible points to--is Jesus Christ...the lamb that was slain. To become righteous, we must accept on faith that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that his blood covered all sin, past, present, and future.

We can't hold the view that Christ died just for original sin, leaving us to work out the rest of our salvation with good works. This is a common view...one I held until the age of 31. Please know that believing this won't save you. In the end, nothing but frustration and pain come from a works view of salvation. You can never be good enough, never perform enough good deeds, no matter how determined you are. Only Christ walked this earth in perfection.

We are made acceptable and pleasing to Him, for the first time, through the righteousness imputed to us. When Christ gave up his spirit on the cross, it was finished. If you believe you have to add to his work in some way, through reading and believing in another book, through praying to another entity, through ongoing good works, or through some sort of purgatory after you die...you believe in a false gospel and you are not saved. You must take it on faith that when Christ died, it was enough to satisfy God. Your sins are forgiven through faith in his blood. You are righteous, and you can go to the Father. You are His, your debt paid in full.

This takes humility. Going to God as a beggar, admitting that without Him you're bankrupt and always will be, takes coming to the end of yourself.

Do it now. Give up having it your own way.

Did you say a salvation prayer at one time, but you still don't feel joy? Picture a beautifully wrapped gift. Someone knocks on your door and presents it to you, telling you it will save you, bring you joy, make your life complete. In fact, it's all you will ever need, and you only have to receive it on faith.

So you hold out your hand and take it, thanking the messenger. For some time you stare at it, marveling at its glorious, unique beauty. You wonder about the promises that came with it.

Finally, you put it on a shelf in your hallway, not knowing what else to do. It's too beautiful to open, and besides, you'd better save it until you really need it.

Over the years you do take it down, using it as a tool box of sorts. But the magic contained in the tools? It never lasts and you wonder about the promises that came with the gift. How can it be all you'll ever need, if its properties only last for a little while?

Is this you, my friend? Do you wonder still if this joy and peace people talk about is ever going to hit you? If the answer is yes, then I need to tell you something about that gift.

Maybe you never really received it.

God isn't a tool. He doesn't magically take away problems and give us a smooth path. He isn't something we take off a shelf when we're in need. I urge you...take that package and really receive it unto your heart. God himself is the Gift, not what he can do for us. He is it. He is all we need.

Evangelical believers reading now, especially those currently suffering, may still wonder what they're missing.

What if you know this already about God, have believed it for years, and still, joy eludes you at times?

When suffering comes, we can feel forsaken. Even those with a rich, textured, weathered relationship with the Lord can feel this emotion. Intellectually, we understand that God will never forsake us. We have years of proof of God's faithfulness, but we still feel forsaken at times.

This is normal. It isn't ideal, but it is normal. And it's because of sin. Sin is a roadblock to joy. No, I don't mean your current suffering comes from a direct sin, although perhaps that's true for some.

I mean that in our humanity, we can't stay up in the clouds all the time. We are fleshly, earthly. We can't sustain such an eternally-focused existence, that joy is ever-present.

So what do we do? What is the answer in times of suffering? How can joy be ours when the cancer has taken our breasts, a good part of our sexuality, and we have no hair and can't stop vomiting?

I wanted to give you the right answer. For days I studied, prayed, and I even suffered vomiting and tears in the middle of the night from a migraine...I suppose as an object lesson in intense suffering, if only for four hours.

Everything I studied was good, solid, detailed, highly theological. But the thing is, joy isn't an act of the will. I can't sit here and tell you all the technical reasons you should have joy through suffering, and then expect you to miraculously have it. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, meaning it doesn't come from us. Joy is put in us as a grace gift.

Here's the tricky part. It's also a command.

Philippians 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say rejoice."

Yes, God commands us to feel it, even though it's a gift of the Spirit. Find more joy verses here.

Do you follow the ministry of John Piper?  This man is a pastor and an original thinker. When he tackles a subject, you know you're getting the best there is, much as when reading Matthew Henry's commentaries (a giant from the past). Most Bible teachers merely regurgitate the generally accepted interpretations, adding in their personal stories, and this is fine and effective. It's all most of us teachers can hope for, even with prayer. God's Spirit works through good-enough teachers all the time.

Nevertheless, I give thanks for John Piper, because in him you not only have an original thinker, you have a lover of the Lord as well. A man who genuinely walks with the Lord and speaks authentically from that vantage point.

In 2006 he underwent surgery for prostate cancer. Following his surgery, he taught the best sermon I've found on joy in the midst of suffering, parts of which I've reprinted with permission here. I know this makes for a longer post, but come back later if you have to? This is very good stuff.

The sermon is based on a psalmist's steps to joy in the midst of suffering, found in Psalm 43. I love this partially because of its simplicity. Want joy? Repent of your grumbling and ask for it!

That's right: Go to God directly, tell him you're sorry for being cast down (grumbling in your heart), and ask him to give you joy. One of the reasons God dares to command joy from us, is so we won't succumb to grumbling, complaining, and despairing in times of suffering. These are all sin. They come from a perspective that is earthly, fleshly, temporal, not eternal.

Here is the short scripture, followed by an excerpt of John Piper's sermon.

Send Out Your Light and Your Truth (source for scripture)

43 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
    against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
    deliver me!
² For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
    why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?

³ Send out your light and your truth;
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
    and to your dwelling!
⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

Words by John Piper: Verse 1 describes what is going on in the psalmist’s life; verse 2 describes what is going on in his soul in response to this situation. Verse 1: “Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me!” What makes his situation painful is that he has enemies, and they are oppressing him. They are ungodly people, and they are threatening his life or in some way making him miserable.

Verse 2 describes what is going on in his soul: “For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” Now what is most striking about his soul is that it is divided. We are going to see this in verse 5 as well, and it explains why the psalmists sometimes pray, “Unite my heart to fear your name” (Psalm 84:11). His heart is divided between saying in the first line of verse 2, “You are the God in whom I take refuge,” then also saying in the next line, “Why have you rejected me?” And then, “Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

I think this is not an uncommon condition among Christians today—a divided heart, a torn heart. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, or that we should have this experience. I am just saying most Christians do. In fact, I think I would say, “All Christians do at some point.” You can see it in the words of the man in Mark 9:24, “I believe, help my unbelief.” You can see it in Paul’s struggles in Romans 7:19, “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” So my guess is that many of you know this experience first hand.

How the Psalmist Handles It

So let’s look at how this man in the Psalm 43 takes practical steps against this divided heart. The grace of God has kept him from going so far that he doesn’t want to change. He does. He begins the psalm by crying out to God, “Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause.” So he is crying out against his circumstances and asking God to change them. “Defeat these enemies, Lord! Give me victory!” It is not wrong to pray that God rescue us from our enemies—whether they are people or natural disaster or disease. It’s right and good to pray for deliverance and for rescue and for healing. So he does that.

But the other two things the psalmist does are not natural. They are not something anyone would do without the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. These two things are deeper and more significant than the mere desire to be vindicated. 

First He Speaks to God

First, verses 3-4: “Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.” This is an amazing prayer. It reveals a man with much rich spiritual experience. His vocabulary, his view of reality, the sequence of his thought, the God-centeredness of his goal, the acquaintance with the sanctuary, the emotional outcome anticipated—all this reveals a man who has lived with God and knows God. Is it not amazing that even such a man can feel that God is distant, as if he has rejected him?

And notice that there is not a whiff here of praying for vindication over the enemy. That is not in view any more. Something far greater is at stake now. There is a much more important victory to be won than victory over people or disaster or cancer. This is why I said in my Star article, “Don’t think of beating cancer mainly as being healed.” There is a victory far more important. And you can win it even if you die. That’s what the psalmist is fighting for now.

Get inside this man’s heart now and learn from him to do what he is doing. This is how you learn from the saints who have walked with God a long time and know him well. His prayer takes him through four stages.

Stage One: Praying for Spiritual Light and Truth

First in verse 3: “Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me.” He confesses that he needs God to lead him. Why? Because he is in the dark. He knows he is in the dark because his heart is divided. God is his refuge, but he feels forsaken. He feels rejected. And he knows better. God does not reject those who take refuge in him. “He is a shield for all those who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:30). But he can’t help himself. That’s how he feels.

O how many people come to me for prayer pointing to their head and say, “I know that God is true. I know that he loves me. I know that promises never to leave me or forsake me.” And then they point to their heart, and say, “But I don’t feel it.” That’s what this man is experiencing. God is his refuge objectively. But subjectively he feels rejected and forsaken.

He knows the cause of this is darkness. He is spiritually blind to something. So the first stage of his prayer is for light and truth. This is the way Paul prayed for us, in Ephesians 1:18, “[May] the eyes of your hearts [be] enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you.” The eyes of the heart—remember where the people were pointing when they could not feel the wonders they knew—the eyes of the heart need light. Spiritual light. Light from God.

He is praying for spiritual light. It’s not physical light. Physical light helps physical eyes see physical reality. Spiritual light lets spiritual eyes—the eyes of the heart—see spiritual reality. And see it for what it is, namely, beautiful. So he is praying that God would rescue him not from his enemies but from a far more dangerous enemy: a darkness that causes the world to look much more attractive than it is and causes the greatness and beauty of God to fade out of sight.

O God, he prays, send me light. And I think he adds “truth” because this is what you see when light comes. Truth is what’s real, what’s substantial. Send light to my soul. Let me see the true substance and reality of things. O God, banish illusions from my heart. Not just intellectual illusions from my head, but emotional illusions from my heart.

Stage Two: Coming to the Altar of God

The second stage of his prayer is that by this light and truth God would bring him to God’s holy dwelling—the sanctuary and the altar of God. Verse 3b-4a: “Let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God.” Now the altar is the place where the blood of the animal sacrifice was sprinkled to make atonement for the people and where God forgave the sins of his people. In other words, the light of God leads him to the truth of his sinfulness and takes him to the place of atonement and forgiveness.

On this side of the cross of Jesus Christ today we know where the altar of God is. It’s not in the temple. It’s not in any house made with hands. Hebrews 13:10 says, “We have an altar from which those who serve the tent have no right to eat.” Our altar is Jesus Christ crucified and risen and standing before the throne of God. “Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea”—Christ our High Priest, our sacrifice, our altar.

The light of God that leads us is today “the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ” (2 Corinthians 4:4). The light of the gospel leads us to Christ, to the altar, to the cross. And there our hearts are further illumined to see our sin and our wonderful forgiveness.

Stage Three: Experiencing God as Exceeding Joy

Then, the third stage of his prayer is that this light and truth would lead him to God as his exceeding joy. Verse 4: “Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy.” The final goal of life is not forgiveness or any of God’s good gifts. The final goal of life is God himself, experienced as your exceeding joy. Or very literally from the Hebrew, “God, the gladness of my rejoicing.” That is, God, who in all my rejoicing over all the good things that he had made, is himself, in all my rejoicing, the heart of my joy, the gladness of my joy. Every joy that does not have God as the central gladness of the joy is a hollow joy and in the end will burse like a bubble.

Isn’t this amazing! Here is man threatened by enemies and feeling danger from his adversaries, and yet he knows that the ultimate battle of his life is not the defeat of his enemies, it is not escaping natural catastrophe, it is not being healed from cancer. The ultimate battle is: Will God be his exceeding joy? Will God be the gladness at the heart of all his joys?

Stage Four: Expressing This Joy in God

And the final stage of his prayer is that this light and truth would lead him to express this joy that he feels in God. Verse 4 at the end: “And I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.” Authentic joy in God will overflow with praises. In fact, as C. S. Lewis says in his book on the Psalms, “we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation.”¹ It’s not wrong to say, “We were made for God.” It’s not wrong to say, “We were made for joy.” It’s not wrong to say, “We were made to praise.” But it is more fully true to say, “We were made to enjoy God with overflowing praise.” This is the ultimate goal of life.

Now mark this: we have been describing the prayer of a divided heart. The psalmist would like to know a constant uninterrupted experience of God as his exceeding joy. But in reality there are times when he feels forsaken. He knows in his head that God has not forsaken him. But it feels like he has. So his deepest strategy to escape this most dangerous condition is to pray, “Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.”

Next, the psalmist preaches to himself, essentially telling himself he has no reason for despair. For that last part, and for the sermon in its entirely go here.

Be joyful my friends. Take the appropriate steps.