Admitting Defeat

I have to admit defeat, folks.  Earlier I wrote about how we would labor together in love this Christmas season, trying to bless others, despite having no money.  My cookie plans were big.  Too big, as it turns out.

Two years ago I had similar ideas about trying to "save" Christmas, by having my children make homemade crafts to send to relatives.  To my surprise, my children turned out to be just children, not factory workers.  It blew up in my face, and ended up being very stressful, and hard on my ADHD child.  He enjoyed it, sure enough, but it broke his routine too many days in a row.  When his symptoms worsen, I worsen as a parent--becoming more nervous, reactive, unpleasant.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten the turmoil of that Christmas.

Something really awful happened this morning to help jolt my memory.

Daddy went off to school (new schedule is Mon. and Fri. mornings), and I was scrambling, trying to get diapers changed, children into clothes, and breakfast made.

My oldest decided that, even though breakfast was minutes away, he wanted to play with the punch-out math curriculum money.  No, he didn't ask.  And he decided the living room floor--behind the couch and fully within baby's reach--was the place to dump it all out for his counting and figuring pleasure.

Did I mention it has many, many tiny pieces?

I was seriously irritated by this.  Recently, they've forgotten frequently that small. things. cannot. be. on. our. floors.  The dining room table is safe, unless a meal is forthcoming.

As I began helping to clean it up, while at the same time trying to hold my baby out of reach, my irritation grew.  I decided quickly that a spanking was in order.  I understand that children often forget safety rules, but there have been far too many similar instances lately.  Childish ways must be left behind, and that doesn't always happen without some painful reminders.

As I reached out to plant a spanking on his bottom, he moved aside quickly, and my baby ended up taking a slap on her face.

 I don't even have to tell you that I was horrified; I immediately burst into tears.  I scooped her up quickly, lavishing her with love and "I'm sorrys".

This is a horrible thing to have to read, but rest assured there isn't a mark on her.  And she got over it mighty quickly.  She had Mommy all to herself for about thirty minutes.  I wisely stayed away from the other children, while taking some time to calm down and evaluate things.

First off, we are too poor to be doing large-scale baking for relatives and church folk.  I should have seen this from the start.  Sometimes, Christmas just can't be about gifts--any gifts.  Not even cheaply-made ones involving mostly flour, sugar, butter, and the occasional Hershey's kiss.  My appointment for next week, to apply for winter heating help so our utilities don't get turned off due to non-payment, should have been my first clue that I was out of line with my baking plans.

And the second clue?  Maybe the fact that the mixer motor blew out the other day--complete with tiny fire and smoke?  Yeah, I catch on to clues rather slowly.

Secondly, I have to face the fact that Christmas may not include gift giving until my children are out of the home.  Even if my husband's computer technology classes land him a better job, it still won't take us much above the poverty level for our large family.  Tech guys start out with relatively small salaries.  And, my husband's attention deficit issues may make it harder for him to achieve success in the field.  It's hard not to face the fact that attention deficit issues are real handicaps.  This is probably less true for a single person who has more time to organize himself, or for someone with fewer children.  Medication comes with so many side effects, that the quality of life is diminished, even if general functionality seems to increase.

Thirdly, I have an ADHD son who can't take any change of routine without difficulty.  One or two days of baking, or one or two days of crafting, are more realistic for him.  And for me--considering the diapering and laundry and schooling.

I made some choices that are dictating how I live. One of them was marrying someone who didn't have the characteristics or the education/training of a hardy bread winner (Theology degree).  There are clear blessings in that, but nevertheless, it dictates that Christmas and all other areas of life have to be very simple.

There's no money for me to take the extra classes needed to obtain an Ohio teaching credential, and there are few to no jobs in the area anyway--even if I thought God was telling me to get into the workforce.  We see no indication that He is calling for that--at this time anyway.

Time to take back December.  And focus.  Focus.  Focus.

On what He has for me...for us...at Christmastime...and everyday.

His peace is available for our family, if we just focus on the tasks he's given us.  And not on those the world seems to be giving us--in terms of material living.