Beth's Surgery and a Volunteer's Heart

My little Beth had her tonsil and adenoid surgery yesterday morning. She and I stayed overnight and arrived home this morning. She woke up about every two hours last night and the stay wasn't much different than my time in hospitals with my newborns.

Exhausting. Nurses in and out frequently.

When they first brought me into recovery Beth was crying inconsolably, and despite my best efforts, the crying continued. It wasn't long before I felt like crying myself, overwhelmed with her need and my own emotions over seeing her in pain and so helpless.

I prayed for strength, and for her to relax so the pain medicine would work.

A volunteer senior citizen stopped by her bed, noticing she'd been upset. He was God's angel.

Children's hospitals have a strong volunteer staff from the community, represented largely by senior citizens. We go to this hospital many times a year--Beth's rheumatologist is there, as well as the ophthalmologist who treats her intermittent, arthritis-associated eye inflammation.

This sweet volunteer brought Beth a volunteer-crafted, fabric-covered teddy bear, gorgeous and girly, full of tiny butterflies and pastel prettiness.

One look at that beautiful teddy bear made Beth stop crying. She accepted it immediately and hugged it to her breast, as though all the love put into it flowed into her little heart.

Tears in my eyes, I touched his arm and told him how grateful I was. He was just so pleased, his eyes telling me how much he loved his job.

As I watched Beth, a dedicated little mother, hug that teddy for the next 24 hours, I knew that in my old age I would be a hospital volunteer, helping children and overwhelmed mothers overcome moments of hospital despair.

Nothing is so big that love can't eclipse it. Hasn't our Heavenly Father taught us that? That the greatest of these is love?

1 John 4:7
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Colossians 3:14
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity

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When You Feel Inadequate

This morning, driving home from a Children's ministry meeting, I felt so inadequate. How did I get involved in this, God? Why was I the only one who responded to that request for help in the church bulletin? Surely the right person is not me, but someone else?

I love children, I love teaching, but my job won't entail much of either, really. 

Do you ever feel inadequate for the work God's given you? 

My main spiritual gifts are teaching, faith, giving and exhortation. And yet, the job I'm called to do involves managing staff people, parents and Sunday School classrooms from birth thru Kindergarten. We have two classrooms in this age group, and hope to add a third for the 3-year-old preschoolers who are too young for the 4- to 6-year-old curriculum.

I'm warm and I smile a whole lot, but I'm also shy. I don't walk up to people I barely know and start chit-chatting. People reach out to me initially and in subsequent weeks I grow comfortable with them and begin to check in with them socially before or after service. The relationships are a blessing to me, but they exist because of someone else's good social skills, not mine. Someone was brave enough to take a chance with me.

And the ministry job before me? It's a highly interactive one, as well as a detailed-oriented one. I can handle details well, but the people? How will my shyness affect my job? Will people misinterpret and think I'm unfriendly...or worse, snobby?

My home church meets in an elementary school and has no extra ministry for children; there's just Sunday School. I asked and I'm told I can plan a Vacation Bible School next year. I would really like to, but could I manage such a Herculean task, which is, more than anything else, managing people, resources and time? 

And did I mention, my children are always with me? (I like it that way, really.)

With these changes in my life, will I still be able to write regularly, which is such a blessing to me and such an integral part of my relationship with the Holy Spirit?

Driving home today, I remembered that Moses felt this way too when asked to serve.

When God appealed to him, Moses was eighty years old and felt very inadequate.  Excuses abounded. "Who am I that I should go?" (Ex.3:11). "But they won't listen to me" and "they won't believe me." (Ex.4:1). God told Moses what to do to win over the people. But Moses' next excuse was: "But I don't speak good" (Ex.4:10). Finally, God told Moses to take Aaron with him to speak for him.

Ideally, we would all serve in the capacity best suited to us. This is precisely why spiritual gifts inventories are so popular in churches nowadays. Most Christians have probably taken at least one.

So why didn't God ask a good speaker to do the work, rather than Moses? And why did God ask me to be a socially-adept manager, when clearly I'm not?

Joshua also fought feelings of inadequacy. In Joshua 1 God tells Joshua, more than once, to "be strong and courageous". Another three times God said, "Be strong and of good courage" (1:6), "be thou strong and very courageous" (1:7), "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed" (1:9). 

Solomon was a young king. Was it feelings of inadequacy that prompted him to ask God for wisdom, above all else?

In Jeremiah 1:6, Jeremiah tells God his fears: I'm too young and I don't speak well.

When Samuel appealed to Saul about God's desire for his life, Saul replied, "am not I a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel; and my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin?" (I Sam.9:21)

Spiritual gift inventories are nice, but obedience is more important. 

At some point, God will ask you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or inadequate, whether it's to stay with the spouse you despise, raise a special-needs child, handle a cancer diagnosis, care for an aging parent, or manage a huge ministry undertaking, such as Vacation Bible School.

You will want to make excuses, like Moses and Jeremiah and Saul. And like me.

When we stay in our comfort zone, who shines? We do. Conversely, when we step out in faith and obedience to do something hard, who shines? 

The Almighty God.

Scripture speaks to us of this phenomena in the verses below, and we mustn't be afraid. For doesn't the fear come from the sin of pride, really? We want to shine, but we fear we'll fall, instead?

We must step out humbly, joyfully, obediently, with our eyes on God and His power, not on ourselves.

1 Corinthians 2:1-5

And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. 2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. 4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, 5 so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

John 15:5

“I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me – and I in him – bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing.

Philippians 2:13
for the one bringing forth in you both the desire and the effort – for the sake of his good pleasure – is God.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Your turn now. What difficult things has God asked you to do?

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Stop Envy & Discontent in 7 Steps

Let your conduct be without covetousness; and be content with what you have: for He has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you. – Hebrews 13:5

Do you struggle with envy or discontent?

We all do, but rarely for the same reasons. For example, I don't envy people for their things or destinations or vacations. I don't envy a childless woman's flat stomach or her pretty legs clear of varicose veins. I don't like my varicose veins, but I remember when my legs were clear too. Every women gets her turn to have her body in its virginal state; my turn is past, the same as it is for wrinkle-free skin and hair without white strands.

Envy is a struggle for me in this regard: family gatherings.

When I see cars at people's houses around holiday times, probably indicating a family get-together, I feel depressed that we're so lonely on holidays. I envy the people inside for their laughter and good cheer, and for their support.

It's just us here so I'm always on duty for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and every other holiday preparation. Holidays can feel exhausting, not relaxing, though husband helps with the kids and the cooking. But a woman knows: there's still the planning, shopping and budgeting of food and time.

I know what some of you are thinking: The more extended family you have around, the more dysfunction you deal with, because every family has dysfunction. Maybe you'd rather cook for days than deal with hours of dysfunctional sibling or parental tension.

Yes, true, but when I drive by a happy party I don't think about the dysfunction inherent in these settings, I think about the good cheer, the togetherness, the support. The grass just looks greener over there, on holidays.

A time will come when my kids are older and we'll have more time to make friends, perhaps creating a merry table with them. God heard our cries and blessed us with our single Christian friend Dean back in January, whom we knew in California and who now lives 45 minutes away. He comes when he's feeling well, enjoying the children and vice versa.

I know this: God is not honored by envy. It's a sinful snare--the enemy's lies prevailing in our hearts for a time.

I know His plan is perfect, regardless of my feelings. My reaction is the problem, not God's plan. I'm good about counting my blessings except at holiday time.

Whatever the reason for your own envy, along with me, you can benefit from these strategies:

1. Repent 

Envy is the sin of covetousness, and the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 11:10). We should fear His reaction to our ongoing sin, as a people who love him and want to please him and bring him glory. We need to confess before God and turn 180 degrees, signaling true repentance.

2. Be spiritually prepared--head off Satan by praying ahead of time. 

If it's that certain woman's flat stomach or shiny new mini-van, pray before you see her: for a pure heart, for a grateful heart, and that you'll be able to: rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

3. Do a topical study to gather Bible verses about your personal envy issue. 

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Gather all you can about your specific topic, and about contentment and gratitude in general. Read all the scriptures and then pray them into your heart, which is an act of faith that God will change you--it's an important step to true heart change. We can read a scripture and think it sounds wonderful, but change comes when we care enough and believe enough to ask God for help; we can't change on our own. 

"Dear Father, I ask that this scripture be realized in my heart...that I would live its truth and bring you glory. Change me, Lord."

4. Keep track of your progress. 

Psalm 103:2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits--

Next time you see that woman and don't give her van or her flat stomach a single thought, rejoice. Tell God thank you. He's heard the cry of your heart. He loves you; he rejoices in you. He's faithful.

5. Count your blessings. 
Psalm 40:5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Counting our blessings is not about being thankful for what we have in comparison to others. It's about realizing that in Christ, we have everything.

6. Be generous with your blessings. 

Acts 20:35 In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

7. Trust God and surrender completely. 

Mark 14:35-36 And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

Know that His plan for your life, including how you spend holidays, is perfect. Recognize and celebrate His sovereignty, perfection, and faithfulness. Give up having it your way: Lay down your life, your plans, your hopes, for the glory of God.

There's no greater joy, no greater gain, than when we surrender to our Lord completely, our white flag indicating we love Him more than we love ourselves. 

When His glory finally becomes our goal, we can be perfectly content.

Relevant Scriptures:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain that we can carry nothing out. – 1Timothy 6:6-7

Let your conduct be without covetousness; and be content with what you have: for He has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you. – Hebrews 13:5

A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. The heart of him that has understanding seeks knowledge: but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness. All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart has a continual feast. Better is a little with the fear of Yahweh than great treasure with trouble. – Proverbs 15:13-16

A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy is rottenness to the bones. – Proverbs 14:30

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatever state I am in to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:11-13

Prayer Time: 
Dear Heavenly Father, how we love you. Thank you for your beautiful, steadfast, sacrificial love. You gave it all to redeem us and we want to live for you, honor you and bring you glory. Change our hearts, Lord. Whatever state we're in, teach us to be content and thankful. Help us to truly repent of envy, to be spiritually prepared through the power of prayer, to study your Word, to track our progress, to count our blessings, to be generous, and to surrender fully to you. We have everything in You, Lord. Open our eyes so we can truly see what the Lamb of God has done for us.

In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

Giving Thanks Today:

~ sunshine on Monday

~ fireworks

~ kids bowl free (Mary got 4 strikes and 3 spares in two games--by rolling the ball!)

~ a little headway on our fruit fly problem

~ morning glories climbing the fence

~ neighbors loaning my boys and the neighbor kids a bike ramp

~ little Beth's tonsil & adenoid surgery is this Wednesday. Breathing normally will be such a wonderful thing for her after all these months.

~ Paul playing beautifully on the piano

~ Beth playing with her dollies so sweetly

~ God's Word

~ Knowing that He is so faithful and loves us so much

~ Compassion letters

~ four precious children filling my home and heart

Giving thanks with Ann Voskamp today for Multitude Monday, at Holy Experience.

What are you thankful for today, my friend?


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A Joyful Heart is Yours

The studies prove conclusive: grateful people are happier with their lives, have better relationships, are physically healthier, and are more optimistic about the future.

Sounds wonderful, but how do we get there?

First, we pray for a thankful state of mind.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

God commands us to be thankful, yes, but he never expects us to change on our own; He's always there by our side. Real heart change comes from the Holy Spirit, not from ourselves, so when we want change, we should first pray, then listen.

Along with prayer, we can start keeping a gratitude journal, which studies show produces positive results in just 10 weeks!

So don't just read someone else's gratitude journal, start your own and reap the benefits. 

The next thing we can do is make a practice of writing thank-you notes to all those who've blessed us in some way. I believe in this practice myself, but I need better discipline to keep up with it. That's where prayer comes in: I need to pray for the discipline and commitment. 

Armed with these suggestions, we're well on our way to a more grateful heart, but nothing will happen outside of careful planning. We have to plan for the quiet time to pray for thankfulness.

A consistent quiet time arises only through planning. Otherwise, it's hit or miss. The changes in our hearts will be hit or miss too. We get out of our relationship with the Lord only what we put into it.

So first thing, we need to sit down and think about our day. Where does prayer fit in? Are there other things that must go, to make room for quiet time? What idols are squeezing God out of our lives? Did we arrive at church yesterday with our Bibles, only to realize that we hadn't opened them since the previous Sunday? If so, we're missing out on so many gifts from a gracious God, gratitude being only one of them.

Exodus 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Deuteronomy 6:5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

Giving thanks today

Dear Father, thank you for these graces and blessings:

~ For the beautiful sunset last night.

~ That God will finish the work he started in us.

~ That it's never too late to start a love affair with the Lord our God.

~ For freedom from persecution here in America.

~ For the redemptive power of prayer.

~ For a gentle husband.

~ For the glory of God as seen in a firefly, in garden growth, in the birds that visit, in sunsets.

~ For a houseful of kids to love.

~ That kids can see the glory of God even in a pesky Japanese Beetle.

~ That Christians dare to love each other and sharpen each other in Him.

~ That even when the Gospel separates us from family, God satisfies our hearts. He is enough.

~ That my father-in-law, 90 years old, called here on Father's Day, after not speaking to us in 5 years (not answering calls, not opening letters). How we have prayed and prayed! He has undiagnosed OCD that rules a lot of his spiritual thoughts, and he's a whole lot of stubborn. Had my 11-year-old son not had OCD, I wouldn't have recognized it in husband's father. Their thought patterns are similar, but because of no diagnosis or treatment, the father's is far worse. At his age he wouldn't be open to a discussion about OCD.

I pray we can care for him soon, but he thinks it's too cold for his arthritis here and may opt for assisted living near his home in Florida. He lives alone right now and has since his forties. My husband's mother was killed in an auto accident when husband was just 16 years old, and his father never remarried. Having been raised by a mentally-challenged mother, he had no model for love or graciousness. He's hurt more than he's helped his kids, but my husband carries no grudge and is gentle and loving with his father.

I pray that we can speak Jesus' love into his heart in his last days, giving him peace and hope. He brought his family up in Bible-teaching Baptist churches and we thank he's a Christian, but the OCD distorts so much of his core beliefs.

I want to encourage you: when you're praying for something for a very long time, it's hard to keep the faith. I know. But recently our prayers about my headaches have been answered, and now this prayer about my father-in-law contacting us has been answered. Always keep track of the answers, and never give up.

My own parents and siblings have yet to be saved and are as hostile as ever to the Gospel, but I know an answer can come at any time.

Our Lord is always there, working it out for His glory...on His timetable.

Bless you friends. I pray you have a beauty-filled week!

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A Mom Gone Wrong, A Redemptive Prayer

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD. Psalm 31:24

I wear so many hats it makes me dizzy sometimes.

counselor
Bible teacher
mom
wife
cook
barber
beautician
lover
academic teacher
time manager
referee
daughter
nurse
laundry maid
housekeeper
accountant
financial analyst
grocery shopper
bargain hunter

Cutting boys' hair at 9:00 PM tonight, after a long day, I couldn't believe the emotional and mental exhaustion. After snipping the last section of hair, I felt empty.

Nothing left to give.

And then they were brushing their teeth--silence was almost mine.

One impulsive son played with a battery-operated toothbrush just for fun, earlier in the day, leaving it on the floor.

Once we found it, I had to disinfect it, delaying my much needed "break".

And I went ballistic. "That's one of the stupidest things you've ever done! You know how expensive batteries are...and how could you leave someone's toothbrush on the floor?"

I felt rushed because it was late, and desperate for alone time. My fault for starting on hair too late; I'm not good at it and it always takes longer than anticipated.

I didn't say I was good at all the hats listed above, just that I had to wear them.

Stupid is a word you should never use while parenting...especially to an ADHD child, because they already feel inadequate half the time. Lack of impulse control and poor judgement are part of their lives until they take their last breath, unless the miraculous happens.

Healing.

Outside of healing, living with ADHD is a constant begging for grace...on everyone's part.

Hidden learning disabilities are tough. People who look perfectly normal are expected to act perfectly normal. Even I forget sometimes and expect too much.

Expecting too little is as dangerous as expecting too much and finding that balance makes me dizzy.

The more children God gives you, the more exhausted you are at the end of the day. That's not rocket science.

And when God gives you special-needs children, the exhaustion compounds, just as the blessings do.

What to do?

What to do when the circumstances God gifts you with render you a failure?

We have too little support. As in, almost none. My husband's hours are too long. He worked all day today, Saturday, because when Beth goes for surgery in 11 days I'll be in the hospital with her for 23 hours, meaning husband will lose pay as he cares for our other 3 children. He had to make up for that.

Twenty-three hours is not a typical stay for having tonsils and adenoids out, but she's at risk for bleeding due to her arthritis meds, even though she'll take a ten-day break from them before surgery and after.

What to do when you can't possibly wear all the hats well? What to do when you say the word stupid in the context of parenting? What to do when you know your own imperfections sometimes hurt your children, and will continue to?

I may think I'll never say stupid again. My heart may be to never utter it again.

But something else, in the future, will occur at the peak of my emotional exhaustion. Something senseless and wasteful and...well...stupid.

My face will radiate ugly and my words will sting.

It's an ugly truth.

I can apologize.

I already did.

But what more? What more can I do to erase my sins and release well-balanced, loving, giving, thoughtful human beings into a hostile world that desperately needs Jesus? How can I release children who will be Jesus to a hurting, blind world?

I'm not perfect and I can't do this well and some of their memories will be sorrowful ones.

But I want to get this right! For the glory of God I want to get this right.

All is not lost because while I'm not perfect, I can offer something that is. And you can too.

Prayers.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." Isaiah 66:13

Prayers are perfect. They are perfect communion with the Healer and Redeemer and Lover of our soul. And a mother's prayers erase all the bad days.

A prayer is asking for help.
A prayer is acknowledging our failure and His sovereignty and perfection.
A prayer is an act of humility before God.
A prayer is a confession.
A prayer is a heart gone right.
A prayer is a hope, realized.
A prayer is a washing of our soul.
A prayer is a renewed mercy, a renewed grace.

A prayer is the perfect answer to life's every problem. Life's every imperfection and unfortunate circumstance.

Down on our knees, telling our innermost failures and asking that they be redeemed, that the blood of the Lamb would cover them. That God would favor us once again with His radical grace.

Favor me, please Lord, a mother in distress. A mother in over her head. Favor me, favor my children and my husband. Cover us and make something good of our messy lives.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Like the caterpillar wriggles beauty out of the chrysalis, wriggle beauty out of our hearts, Lord.

A metamorphosis of the heart. A total eclipse of brokenness. For your glory.

Always for your glory.

In Jesus name, Amen.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

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