Better Housekeeping Part 1

With young children still at home, keeping a house orderly is harder than keeping it clean. Sweeping, mopping, dusting and vacuuming don't bother me. I don't relish these tasks, but neither do I dread them.

It's the clutter that discourages me and turns me into an ineffective parent--a grumpy, depressed, nagging mom. This bothers me because I'm so grateful for my family. I love children and I want my demeanor and tone to reflect that. My tweens and little people are precious and they truly delight me.

We have fairly frequent Bible studies here so we clean thoroughly (not always the bedrooms) every Saturday. Given this regular discipline, our home should never look like a disaster, in theory. But by Tuesday it's often an embarrassment.

Why? What goes so awry that all our Saturday work is ruined in two and a half days?

In the last year I've made some progress with these issues, albeit slow. I'm ready to share a few management tips.

Problem #1 Mom's doing it all, she has no free time, and her grumpiness is making everyone miserable.

Fix - Get the kids involved

When we keep them out of the process, we're enabling their sloppiness and contributing to our own grumpiness. Doing it all ourselves is terrible management and we can do better.

Instead of giving the kids a lengthy list of chores, try giving them 3 responsibilities.

~ Make your bed (ages 5.5 and up?)
~ Put dirty clothes in hamper
~ Participate in 5-minute pick-ups.

After your housekeeping is under control, add a few cleaning chores for the older ones. They do need the training, but as long as clutter is still an issue, it would be hard for them to sweep, mop, dust or vacuum on schedule, just as it's hard for Mom. Again, clutter is more a problem than dirt; once clutter is under control, dirt is easy to wipe/sweep/vacuum away.

Strategy for Kids - Five-Minute Pick-ups

Without this habit, you're doomed as a housekeeper. Truly.

~ When you get up in the morning, set a timer for one hour. Put a sticky note in the bathroom so you can remember (assuming you visit the bathroom upon waking).

~ When the one-hour bell rings, call the first five-minute pick-up, unless you've just sat down to a meal, in which case I just push back the timer 20 or 30 minutes.

~ When your pick-up bell sounds, Mom's job is to take a straight-edge, such as a large hardbound book, and sweep all the floor clutter to one pile (add paper and book clutter from the end tables, etc.). If you don't want a pile on the floor, put it all in a couple laundry baskets.

Children get easily overwhelmed by strewn-out clutter and that's why we get the ugly, ungrateful whining when we ask for their help. Like us, they find clutter stressful, and like us, it makes them grumpy. So do help out at first by making a big pile for them to "fish" from. A neat pile looks like a challenge, while a cyclone looks like a nightmare.

~ You can give them a number goal, such as, "Everyone put away ten things. No stuffing under cushions or in corners. Everything in its place."

~ To jump-start their motivation, offer an incentive for continuous work for five minutes (no resting or fooling around).

~ As soon as the five-minute timer rings, stop their work and set the timer again for an hour. They will get used to these pick-ups and all whining will stop, because anyone can do this for five minutes.

Problem #2 The house never stays clean more than 12 hours.

Fix: Troubleshoot Your Habits

Getting everyone involved, clean your house thoroughly over a day or two. Then put a notepad on the fridge and take notes as you watch the condition of the house deteriorate. Don't do anything different, just be a keen observer.

As I did this in my own home, I found a few problems

Our Bad Habit #1 - Getting Ready to Go Frenzy

When we get ready to go somewhere, whether a doctor appointment, the library, or church, we leave a disaster in our wake. Mom is scurrying around making sure everyone finished their meal and looks clean-faced and well-dressed, all the while continuing with her own grooming. There might be library books to gather too, or school books to take along to an appointment.

Getting four kids out the door is my least favorite thing.

The children, meanwhile, are doing whatever they want, outside of following Mom's directions about food, clothing, hair, and shoes. Free time (for kids) always means messes.

When I'm busy getting ready, I'm not calling five-minute pick-ups. I'm not thinking about the house at all (only the clock). When we return home, often ready to relax, I look around me and just want to cry. This scenario is our biggest problem and I knew we needed to change things up.

Now, I'm stricter about the 90 minutes or so we spend getting ready to go. I have them read books or draw, rather than get out things we won't have time to put away before departure. And I do at least one 5-minute pick up before departure, in case they've left dirty clothes or cast-off shoes lying around.

Our Bad Habit #2 - Not Consolidating Errands

As homemakers most of us have figured out that as soon as we leave our homes, we're behind. The solution is to stay home as much as possible (consolidate grocery, library, pharmacy errands, for example).

We have a few chronic medical conditions that keep us running to appointments (which I can't control), but beyond that we keep extracurriculars light. We only participate in a Sunday night AWANA program. That's all.

I purposely keep our schedule light for a few reasons:

1. Rushing around makes us feel like we can never relax. No relaxation means high stress, and high stress means bad habits. Good habits are bred in a low-stress environment. (Think of your own eating habits, for example. You overeat during stress, right?)

2. Making wholesome meals takes time. Too many activities often means a horrible diet.

3. I believe kids develop best when they have free, unstructured time they must fill on their own. Boredom leads to innovation and innovation builds problem-solving skills. Going to programs put together by other people means those people are doing the most learning, not my child. Children follow directions at extracurricular activities more than anything else, and following directions is not higher-level thinking.

When my children have needed expertise, they've gone to books. My 10 year old taught himself to play the piano, do origami, and use watercolors beautifully--all from books.

 My 12-year-old became a garden expert, a backyard bird watcher, and backyard animal expert...all using books.

My Beth received a ballet video from a friend for Christmas, and she finds more dance instruction vidoes at the library.

This is more than enough information for one post, but let's review before closing:

~ Moms can't do all the work and it's poor management to try.

~ Kids can keep the house clutter-free by participating in hourly 5-minute pick-ups (This skill will be invaluable to them as they start running their own homes/schedules).

~  Put up sticky notes to remind you to keep setting the timer all day.

~ Clean your house and take notes as its condition deteriorates. Then, troubleshoot.

~ Consolidate errands to stay home as much as possible.

Do your kids do regular pick-ups and how does it go? How do you organize your errands?

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Part 2: Do You Have a Good Story?

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled Do You Have a Good Story? Two people commented on it--my friends Tesha and Sandy. Tesha had a very sad childhood, and Sandy experienced something that in my mind can only be called a tragedy. It was more than sad. She shared it on her blog, but I can't find the story link without her help.

In light of their comments I think another post on good story vs. sad story would be a good idea, so here goes....

Sandy brought up that hardship and pain give birth to compassion. This is so true and I believe it's one of the reasons God doesn't prevent hardship. I'm grateful that in my life I have known soul-deep pain; I'm a better person for it and for that reason, I can call it gift. Sandy says:

I read this the other day, when it was posted and I wanted to comment, but I wanted to consider my words first. I too had a sad story (you've read a summary of it, I think, over on my blog). I think this is why I was drawn to your blog - because you have such compassion, and such a genuine heart and desire for doing right and doing good. I relate to that. Compassion learned through hardship can be something quite beautiful. It is one of God's mysteries.

Something Tesha wrote resounded in me too - if only people would turn to Jesus. I have had that discussion with my husband, along the lines of 'how on earth do people manage without God?!' and he replied 'they don't - you've seen them' and how right he was!

BUT my deep, deep desire is that churches would be much more open to damaged people, and not judgemental. Damaged people make damaged choices and often that is because they never learned any other way. In my case, I did not even comprehend that I could make choices - abuse strips away the ability to make choices so you grow up not being able to recognise where the 'I' begins. You can't even love properly because you have no sense of self. I don't know - it's hard to explain. Don't get me wrong, this is never, never an excuse for hurting other people, but instead of judging 'low-lifes', 'drop-outs', 'losers' the church should say 'you are welcome - we are all sinners here' (but the church should not be naive, either, because there will always be wolves hiding among the sheep).

I guess it is summed up in this passage from Matthew 9:10-13
'Later, as Jesus was in the house sitting at the dinner-table, a good many tax-collectors and other disreputable people came on the scene and joined him and his disciples. The Pharisees noticed this and said to the disciples, “Why does your master have his meals with tax-collectors and sinners?” But Jesus heard this and replied, “It is not the fit and flourishing who need the doctor, but those who are ill! Suppose you go away and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice’. In any case I did not come to invite the ‘righteous’ but the ‘sinners’.” (Sandy King)

Sometimes we invite pain by our own poor choices, and other times it visits us because of other persons' sins, either past or present. For the most part, let's talk here about pain we inherited, so to speak. In every case, hardship and pain are a result of the sin curse.

Tesha brought up that she knows her compassion was born of pain, and that it saddens her when people blame their childhoods for their present pain, for there is healing in Jesus.

I have to say I've had a sad story. My childhood was very very sad. There have been moments that I have felt shame over it, but all in all I felt really thankful because I know it caused me to seek the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Also the hard things of my childhood have caused me to be tenderhearted toward hurting people. I can imagine I could end up like many of them had the Lord not saved me. I see so many people blame the way they are today on the childhood and it really hurts me. It hurts me because I know that Jesus can heal them and turn what the devil meant for bad to good if they would only let him into that place. I say share your story of pain and let others know that no matter what God is faithful and able to turn it for good! I know that I have the family I have today because of the past I had--He restored the years the locusts have eaten. (Tesha)

First, we'll discuss the church opening its arms to broken people. The second topic that comes to mind--Does God Completely Heal Pain? Does He Erase It?--is for part 3. I know Tesha wasn't saying God erases pain--she meant that people can move forward in Jesus, despite their pasts--but sometimes I think the expectation is that God will erase our pain, so the topic is worth a blog post.

Good, Solid Churches

A good church welcomes everyone and uses church discipline wisely. They aren't afraid to say goodbye to someone who defies church leaders and their discipline (defiantly living in sin), and they aren't afraid of new people coming in with sad or tragic stories. This balance is the ideal...no fear (isn't prejudice born of fear?).

It's easy to welcome people on their first several visits to our church, but do we still feel as welcoming after hearing their broken story? Is our smile as wide when we see them after that revelation? Instead of adding to the church wealth, a portion of broken people might extract benevolence funds and never add to them. They may talk too long about their sorrows, or use language or exhibit a roughened manner we're uncomfortable with. Their brokenness and neediness may be so complicated it makes our heads spin.

But still, we (The Church) are called to minister to brokenness, just as Jesus did. This is possible only when we consider that we aren't doing the ministering. Jesus does it through us, so our heads need not spin. It takes time and patience and obedience, and all the while we must remember that we're not responsible for the outcomes or the know-how. All that is the Lord's territory.

We are responsible for obedience and faith. We are to love our fellow man as ourselves, through the power of the Holy Spirit, with a faith that can move mountains. Perfect love casts out fear and Jesus is all about perfect love. So kick your fear straight to hell, for that's where it belongs.

That said, are all church members equally matched in ministry, in terms of where they best can comfort and understand and heal? No, by God's design. The body is made up of many parts, as the Bible teaches.

I can minister to women who have lost babies because I understand the depth of that despair, and the feelings of personal failure that come with it. When you lose a baby you feel a sense of failure, because so many women don't lose babies. So many women get pregnant easily and carry babies easily. It isn't rational to feel like a failure, but sense when is pain always rational? There are things about baby loss that only its sufferers can understand.

I can minister to people who have had parents do shameful, pain-inducing things, like drink for decades and spew hate and practice blame (my mom). Or marry five times (my dad)--in some cases to women younger than me by more than a decade. I understand not having ideal parents who are capable of deep love for their offspring. The truth is some people are so broken themselves, they can't give a child the love God desires.

I can minister to those who are living just beyond the poverty level, or at the poverty level, either so they can stay home with their children, or because in a complicated world that continues to become more and more specialized, menial labor is what they can do well (because of learning disabilities or whatever).

My husband is a college-educated custodian working for a low-wage, and that isn't always easy to explain or understand. As a result, I don't try to explain it, despite the confusion of people in our midst. They perceive my husband as intelligent and educated, so the picture of him as a 55-year-old custodian doesn't fit. I didn't understand it well myself until I was forced to deal with and understand my son's learning disabilities and disorders. It didn't take long to begin to see similarities between father and son. My husband was never diagnosed and couldn't understand himself why so many things were difficult for him, that other men do easily. It was demoralizing for years, and still is. But this matter is a digression so I'll stop here. I'm sure some people judge him (and me for not working), but there is nothing I can do about that. He works very, very hard, and that is what God asks of him. Supporting us in style is not a requirement. I can say that our lifestyle is in so many ways, a gift.

Getting back on topic now: Can I minister to someone who is a past or current drug or alcohol user? No. I can pray for them and ache for them, but I wouldn't attempt to minister to them. It would be too easy for me to judge, based upon the pain I experienced on the other side of this problem. I can pray someone in to help and pray that God takes my judgement away and makes my smile truly welcoming, not fearful.

The Body of Christ is a hodgepodge of believers, by God's design. If it is too middle class or too rich or too poor, it loses effectiveness and becomes too comfortable to change the world for Christ. If your church is too much of one thing, it probably doesn't even realize what's missing.

Ask yourself, what can I do to help my church branch out and see with open eyes? Try introducing the book Radical by David Platt, for one. It encourages us to do church right, the way Jesus would do it.

There are things I don't like about my church, but I've come to the conclusion there's no perfect church. God seemed to place us in this church and I trust He did it for a reason. We don't plan to leave, but we definitely don't fit in (though we're welcomed). We may very well be the only family living just above the poverty level, and as uncomfortable as that can be, we get through it. We have something to learn at this church, and something to teach.

So don't misunderstand me...I'm not advocating leaving your church for a better or more balanced one. Instead, ask yourself what God would have you do to balance out your current church. And humbly consider that it has something to teach you?

Secondly, I would say beware the temptation to choose a church that has a lot to offer, as though you were looking for an ideal neighborhood to move into. Bells and whistles and attractive programs are nice, but they aren't church the way Jesus would do it. Church isn't supposed to entertain. Unfortunately, that's what many North American churches are today--attractive buildings meant to reel people in with bells and whistles.

What we can do is resist the temptation in our own hearts to choose comfort over substance, and help our church resist it as well.

Thankful Thursday (Kids' Edition)

Counting Blessings:

Beth, age 5

~ Mary, my sister
~ Paul, my brother
~ Peter, my buddy (also her brother)
~ Daddy
~ Mommy
~ God
~ myself

Mary, age 7

~ My sister
~ Webkinz World for my computer time (24 minutes - a number I can easily cut in half for a behavior consequence)
~ Paul, my brother
~ Peter, my brother
~ Mom
~ Dad
~ Good food (she complains about most dinners; go figure)
~ A house that protects us from snow and rain
~ Nice chairs to sit on
~ An indoor stove to cook with (they've seen the 3rd-world stoves of the impoverished, which are like going camping to an American)
~ Washer/dryer to give us clean clothes
~ healthy food
~ My library card

Paul, age 10

~ Knowledge and understanding (I credit AWANA verse memorization and Sonlight curriculum for this entry)
~ That math is easy for me
~ That I can be helpful and kind
~ Homeschooling
~ Big family
~ Plenty to eat
~ Warm clothes

Peter, age 12

~ Indoor toilets (Amen - it's in the teens outside)
~ House
~ Bed
~ Shoes

~ Pet snake (Actually, numerous times a day, he says he should have gotten a mouse because snakes don't move enough. Too many pets are noctural, I'm afraid. While the mice seem active and interesting in the pet store, in a home they would probably sleep all day. He's back to begging for a dog. Maybe this gratitude list is a reminder that he should be thankful for his pet, which he has to live with until his next birthday - 11 months away?)

~ Library card
~ Books
~ Everything

Do You Have a Good Story?

What's your life story? Is it a tidy, neatly-packaged one? Has it been characterized by everyday ups and downs, everyday sins and redemptions--a little too much pride here, a little too much anger there?

Was it somewhat or wholly tragic? Was it downright ugly and shameful?

I don't like my growing-up story, but things could have been worse. They could have been tragic, instead of just sad. Compared to vulnerable girls in third-world countries and what they have to endure, I had a blessed life.

But I've always felt less than, when I compare myself to people with a good story. Jesus and His grace help me fight this feeling, but it never entirely goes away, except during times of deep, at-His-feet worship.

A good story is when Mom and Dad love each other and stay together, and there are no shameful secrets in the nuclear family.

A better story is when Mom and Dad love each other, are Christian and stay together, have no shameful secrets, and raise up a crop of good Christian kids.

The best story is when Mom and Dad love each other, are Christian and stay together, raise up a crop of good Christian kids, and altogether, the family makes an impact on the world for Jesus.

The bestest story ever is when a legacy is built that honors God and passes godliness to many generations, through intentional God-clinging practices.

Many of the people at my church have a good story; it's your typical middle-class church of 150-170 people, with one very rich couple in attendance. While I like most everyone, I often feel like I can only relate to about 3 families. These three families? We understand each other. We don't waddle in sorrow or keep our heads down. We don't count our curses, but our blessings. We aren't marked with a scarlet letter, so no one knows our stories. In fact, we only stumbled upon each other's story by chance, not design.

People with good stories don't know what to think about sorry-storied people. Should they pity us? Should they stay away from us? Should they act nonchalant, as though nothing shocks them? My impression is they don't know what to think or feel. They've never been through such territory, and it's easy to assume their own intelligence and level-headedness kept them straight. A default reaction might be to place blame somewhere as quickly as possible, or to look down upon the story and it characters.

Some people struggle with pride over their good story, and others struggle with shame over their sad one.

When the shame of an ugly story grips me, do you know what the Lord speaks into my soul?

You are my daughter and I love you. Cling to Me and I'll write a beautiful ending.

Jeremiah 32:27 I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?

Whatever your story, cling to Him. Let Him work through you to write the best ending imaginable.

Because every story needs editing...and the Editor never gives up on us.

If you're like me and you really want the legacy story?

Cling. Cling. Cling.

Notice I didn't say obey? Or serve? Or go to a third-world country and adopt 20 orphans (though that would be grand)?

No. Just cling to the Lord. Don't let go. Let him mold and shape and write.  Live this Psalm:

Psalm 96:2 Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.

With Love From Sheila (My "Adopted" Daughter)

Last month, on January 28, we sponsored Sheila from Uganda. I wrote the first letter online that day, since Compassion added her to my account within hours. However, I didn't expect to hear from her for at least a couple months.



It turns out, mail is fast from Uganda! (Not so when we write to India, Burkina Faso, and El Salvador.) We received an introductory letter from Sheila on February 22, written in her hand, in English (which is the official language in Uganda). The letter was a joy for all of us!

Sheila lives with just her grandmother, who is 61. The life expectancy for people in Uganda is not long, so I will be definitely be praying that Sheila has her grandmother in her life for many more years.

Here is the text of Sheila's letter, which she wrote before receiving my letter.

Dear My Friend,

Praise God for the gift of Life. Thank God for you and for loving me and choosing me to be your friend. I will always pray for you to be blessed and may God's love and mercy be upon you. I am now in senior three and pray for me to succeed in my studies for in future would like to be a teacher.

I go to worship God at St. James church of Uganda. I have learnt that at church they tell us encouraging words, and the good news of Jesus Christ. Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ?

May the Almighty God keep loving and blessing you as you serve him.

Sheila

She also filled in some pre-made boxes on the Compassion stationary, telling us a little more about her.

Her favorite things:

In school - English
Food - rice
Color - orange
Game - playing netball
Bible Story - Daniel
Song - Jesus Loves Me

"If I could visit anywhere...I would go to Kampala because it is a big city."

She also drew beautiful pictures under the heading: I know how to draw...book, house, hen, hut, cup, ball, an egg, tree

Sheila is the only Compassion child we have who doesn't have a mother. I read from her profile that her parents were married, until the death of her mother. Her father is still alive, but not in her life.

My heart soars in a different way for this child, for if my husband would allow it and if we were younger, I would definitely adopt a child. I have always loved children, from an early age asking to hold everyone's baby, later becoming a first-grade teacher, and working in the nursery as soon as I became a Christian. My own children delight me daily with their giggles, their clever ideas, the way they dance to Jesus songs with abandon, the way they fall in live with certain picture books, and the way they so often get inspired by their learning materials. Children are a delight...a joy...a blessing from the Lord. There's no other way to put it. Watching them grow and learn is a privilege.

My role in our other Compassion children's lives is encourager, teacher, and spiritual friend. However, with Sheila I can possibly be a mother figure and no one would be offended (or at least I hope not). I plan to pray that God gives me the words to gently enter her life as a surrogate mother, while not treading on her grandmother's heart. A young lady needs to know that she is loved, that she is beautiful, inside and out. That she is bright and capable and that God has a plan for her life, and that in following it, she will know joy and peace and pass them on to her own children. A young lady needs to know that her life will matter far after she's gone, for generations, if she allows God to fully lead.

It is my privilege to speak these things into her life in these, her vulnerable teen years (she'll be 15 in May).

Please, sponsor a child. Since the older children get chosen far less, I encourage you to consider sponsoring a tween or teen. To say it would brighten your days in an understatement! You don't have to love children exceedingly to do this. It is an act of obedience and God will give you the words, the prayers, the funds. I promise you that.

If you already sponsor, what ages are your children, and from what countries? How have the letters blessed you and your family?