Do Not Worry About Money...Ever

For over ten years, the financial health of our family has been precarious. Precarious means: not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse.

Yes, that pretty much nails it.

I left full-time teaching when my first child was born, and worked part-time from home for the first three-and-a-half years of his life. I stunk at balancing home and work life, being nearly always behind schedule. All-nighters became the typical means I employed to catch up on paperwork before the homeschooling facilitating meetings I conducted for a public charter school in California, one week a month. I also taught a couple enrichment classes, but mostly, I worked from home.

Pregnant with my third child and two still in diapers, a nervous breakdown seemed likely. My husband, a Pennsylvania native, loved California but I told him I couldn't live that way anymore and could we please move to a cheaper state so I could stay home? No matter the numbers, I said. God says he will provide for those who seek first His Kingdom.

I studied the Bible and knew it was not my responsibility to support my family financially. As bad as that sounds in this modern era, it is true. Mothers can work, but they aren't required by God to do so if a husband is present and able-bodied. They are required to be good stewards of family resources, such as the Proverbs 31 woman was, but a breadwinner? No.

Before quitting work entirely my income twice benefited our family: in the purchase of our first home in California in 2001, and then in our cross-country move, our home here in Ohio in 2005. Not to mention that my teacher retirement, available in about six years, will cover our house payment for the following 14 years, until it's paid off. (Okay, that's assuming God won't let California go bankrupt before that--California being the holder of my teacher's retirement account).

So, I've done something to support our family financially, just not recently.

My husband? Terrified about describes his reaction to my request. The prospect of being relatively poor for the rest of our lives sent him into a depression he's never fully come out of--but he didn't say no to my request to be home full-time. He believed me when I confessed I was headed for a nervous breakdown.

I loved and still love mothering--believing it is who the Lord created me to be on earth--and I wanted to do it well for the glory of God. Leaving my two baby boys with a sitter several hours a week tore my heart in two. With a third child on the way, I knew what was needed.

A full-time mothering ministry. 

Day in and day out, I wanted my mothering work to express my gratitude for the little blessings God so graciously gifted to me. I wanted my roles in life to come from the Bible, not from the world. I believed and still do believe that the Lord will provide for my at-home mothering position--if I keep my eyes and heart on what is most important.

And despite my husband's fear, I knew the Lord would bless him with a solid legacy if he, too, lived out his biblical role for our family--knowing that the Bible doesn't command a man to support his family in style. A man just needs to feed, clothe, and shelter his family, through his obedience and through the Lord's provision.

I knew not to look for financial blessing from all this. Financially is only one way God blesses. If we do what he assigns us in the Bible to do, we are not promised a comfortable life in return. There are spiritual blessings from following God's word and they aren't necessarily externally manifested. Our struggling for ten years financially is not a curse, though it may look like it from the outside.

At times, this lifestyle is excruciatingly hard for all six of us. We're the "poorest" family in any church we attend (except for some of the single-parent homes), but it's a hidden thing mostly because our thrift store clothes look pretty good, and our van isn't too bad on the outside either.

We know being a part of America's working poor is far different than abject, or third-world poverty, so "poor" isn't a good description, but poverty is always a relative thing. If you're the only family who never goes to lunch after church and can't even afford a camping trip--much less a vacation or a movie out--than it translates to an impoverished feel...

...if you don't hold your thoughts captive for Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The minute we entertain coveting thoughts--or want more of the world's riches than we enjoy--our thoughts become sin. The result is disastrous if we don't heed the Holy Spirit's prickle and repent.

I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. I have greater faith than ever before though. As that faith continues to grow, my testimony deepens with each bill the Lord provides for. I know what it's like to wait for manna from the sky, rejoicing that it came just in time, but that doesn't mean I enjoy having to wait.

Sadly, I miscarried our third child shortly before our California-to-Ohio move--but after we'd sold our house and couldn't look back. I often think about the miracle of that timing. If we hadn't sold the house already, my husband may have withdrawn his consent to living poorly.

We moved in August, 2005. We got rid of all our bills and student loans by selling our modest 3-bedroom California home, and buying an inexpensive 3-bedroom Ohio home. We live on a cash basis and almost always buy used or do without. My home decor has seen no changes in ten years, unless you count little thrift-store trinkets that find their way to a shelf.

My husband is a low-wage earner, having earned a Bible college degree that never translated to financial success. He knows the Bible backwards and forwards though, which comes in handy often.

The financial numbers that should have concretely given us permission to do this, have never worked out to this day. We didn't have earthly "permission" for me to stay at home. It's entirely a daily act of faith. A daily testing of Matthew 6.

Matthew 6:19-21, 26-34 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also....No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[?28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We remain as sinful as the next person, and just this week I needed a popular Apologia Christian science textbook for the girls' science curriculum that I couldn't afford, and couldn't find used. I evaluated it and decided it was a need not a want, but at first I just downloaded the first sample chapter for free from the publisher, which wasn't going to last long.

Finally, impatient, I bought it new, but at a discount over the publisher price. Though I felt the purchase was consistent with seeking after God's Kingdom first, I preceded to worry about the money I spent.

But you know? Not ten minutes after I hit purchase, a homeschooling mother from homeschoolclassifieds.com finally responded to my inquiry. Yes, she still had the used textbook for $20 postage paid, and did I still need it? 

My heart went all a flutter.

I had just spent $34 on it after shipping, but thankfully, the purchase being less than fifteen minutes old, the company refunded me, no questions asked, and lo and behold, I now have a nice used textbook coming in the mail from a very nice homeschooling lady. 

Little did she know how God used her to bring me back into the fold of believing.

I immediately felt ashamed of myself that after ten years, I doubted God would provide...even though he has always provided for needs, unfailingly. He loves the last-minute scenario, never telling me of his plans, but asking me to trust him implicitly. He commands me...do not worry about money. Ever.

Please my friend, whatever your situation: Do Not Worry About Money, even if you've messed up with money. Study the Word and decide what "seeking after his Kingdom" will look like in your life. You are responsible for that, not for your daily needs.

Isn't it freeing to know that? His yoke really is easy and his burden, light.

Matthew 1:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Suffering and Surrender

My special-needs son put a huge hole in his wall today because OCD made him frustrated and angry and he just didn't know what to do with his angst.

Though he possesses expert knowledge about how to handle OCD thoughts--he could teach a class on it, in fact--he isn't ready to heed his own advice. The thoughts are too strong and controlling and scary and it just seem easier to do the rituals (not that holes in the wall are a ritual--that was anger at his plight in life).

The rituals, if continued, get worse and they steal away every moment, until there's no life left. Just pain.

It's like the self-aware drug addicts who know quitting will involve a long, painful withdrawal process, so they put it off. It just seems impossible to muster up the courage.

Only those with OCD can understand, and the rest of us just scratch our heads.

You mean you drove around the block ten times, looking for someone you ran over, even though you know you really didn't run anyone over? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you were an hour late to your next class because you washed your hands over and over in the student bathroom, in tears the whole time, knowing they weren't really dirty? Yes, they try to explain. They have to be sure.

You mean you can't go near children because you are afraid you are a pedophile, even though the whole idea is repulsive and evil to you, and you know you would never act in such a way? Or you won't go near the same sex because you are afraid you are gay, even though you are not attracted to the same sex, and you know deep down you are not gay? Yes...but I don't feel sure.

Yes, OCD sufferers do all these things and more (though my son doesn't have any of these obsessions, yet, and perhaps won't ever. But they are among the most common). OCD people are of average or above-average intelligence, and very sensitive, kind, gentle people. The things they find most repulsive or disturbing become their obsessions. It's a horrid, cruel brain disorder.

None of it makes one iota of sense and they know it, but they can't stop avoiding, or ritualizing, or going over and over things in their heads (ruminating is done instead of rituals, for some sufferers--called Pure-O OCD, meaning pure obsession, but no compulsions).

OCD is a disease of uncertainty. They can't handle any uncertainty and the battle to be sure of something becomes their downfall.

They have to learn to say..."Well, maybe I did run someone over. So what?"

"Maybe I really do love Satan..so what?"

"Maybe one of Satan's angels really is coming at me...so what?"

"Maybe I really will stab my husband with a knife...so what?"

"Maybe I really am gay,..so what?"

"Maybe I really am going to die (or throw up) (or a family member is going to die) from germs on my hands...so what?"

"Maybe I really did leave the burner on and the house is going to blow up...so what?"

They have to neutralize the thoughts so they can stop reacting to them, but even thinking of these neutralizing sentences fills them with horror and shame. They can't bring themselves to do it, so they get worse and keep reacting with flight or fight mode. Medication sometimes, for some of them, makes the thoughts less powerful, so they can begin to think about their therapy techniques.

In adolescence, when fear is very hard to fight for hormonal reasons, therapy is difficult at best.

Sufferers have to accept that there is a buzzing bee (bad thoughts) in the room with them. Accept is good, to fight or run or panic is bad. 

"The bad thought doesn't have anything to do with who I am. It's just a brain glitch."

While this statement sounds easy to us, it's terribly difficult for them to believe...even though they know it's true.

There is no cure for OCD and even when the vicious cycle gets broken, and they are leading normal lives again, there will always be, in times of stress, buzzing bees in the room that they have to continue to ignore to stay well. The minute they give in and do a ritual, they're possibly in trouble again.

Experts did a study and found that all people have similar thoughts occasionally, but our normal brains know right away to file the thoughts away as nonsense. We don't react to nonsense thoughts.

But the OCD sufferers? The thought-filter in their brain doesn't work. The thoughts come in with a DANGER sign..an ALERT sign. Their body reacts in flight or fight mode, with high adrenaline and fear, which are so powerful their brain compels them to do a crazy ritual, that for some reason temporarily decreases the anxiety. But the more rituals they do, the less the rituals work to decrease anxiety, and then a full-blown life-crisis exists. They can't fulfill their responsibilities on time or with ease because their rituals eat up the day and drive them insane.

Right now there is nothing I can do except pray and continue to counsel, until God see fit to heal my son or give him the courage he needs to absorb the discomfort of not doing a ritual, long enough to stop the chain reaction--obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief. Obsession, anxiety, ritual, relief.

Absorbing discomfort and pain is hard.

When I get a migraine, I take something for it because if I don't, I eventually have to lie very still in a dark room with no noise or interaction, and at some point I usually vomit, too.

What the OCD sufferer has to do to get better is stop taking the "medicine", so to speak (stop doing the ritual that temporarily relieves the anxiety). They have to, in essence, allow the throbbing headache and nausea to come, unhindered. They have to suffer to get better...and who wants to suffer? It's human nature to run kicking and screaming away from suffering.

God allows life to break us and that is so hard to fathom, isn't it? If you're broken, you know you're ready for heaven. Your mindset has ceased to be on earthly things and you just want to go Home.

Peter, husband, and I? We just want to see Jesus. The rest of the family isn't broken...yet. They have big plans.

And plans are good, but we can't ever assume we accomplish anything through our own intelligence or our own strength. The minute we gloat, God takes us down a peg or two. He allows suffering to refine us. To humble us. He works for our good, even when life seems like a big disaster.

I have to go to an AWANA meeting this Wednesday to become a Cubbies (preschool) leader. Oh, I tried to get out of it at first, but I prayed about it and then told the director that if she didn't get another Cubbies leader during the summer, than I would do it. I will be among three Cubbies leaders in a large class, taking turns with the various duties.

Do you know what I hoped? That God would realize my son's disorders are too taxing on me and my family, and that someone else could surely do it instead.

But God didn't agree. It's me who loves preschoolers, and me who loves teaching God's word.

If God wants me to work for Him with vigor and cheerfulness, why does he allow such sorrow in my life? I feel too weak and sorrowful today to even make that meeting, much less show up and do a good job at Cubbies on September 2nd.

Do you wonder these things, too? Do you want to crawl under a barrel and let everyone else--the ones with normal lives--do all the work for God?

Let me tell you a secret.

Surrender it all to God. Hopes, dreams, plans, ego, pride...the right to stay home and wallow.

And just show up.

Every single day, no matter how hard your trials are, just show up.

Show up to hug your boy--even though he's made you a wreck--to say you're so terribly sorry he's suffering, and that you'll be praying for him all day, and that Jesus loves him, and that he is fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who knows every hair on his head.

Realize that it's the sin curse you're battling, not your son or daughter. 

If the problem is with your marriage, realize it's the sin curse you're battling, not your spouse.

God doesn't ask us to carry our own burdens. We attempt to carry them all the time, but it's sin--it's not obedience to his will.

If we show up, he is faithful to teach the Cubbies through us.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us the gentleness and patience we need to work with a sick or troubled child.

If we show up, he is faithful to give us a listening, quiet spirit to win our husband's love.

He will walk us through our hardest parenting days...our hardest marriage days...our hardest personal suffering days.

We don't have any answers--but he has them all. We don't have any insight--but he has it all planned out. We don't have any stamina or strength--but he's omnipotent and omniscient. 

Omnipotence means God is all-powerful. He has supreme power and no limitations. Omniscience means God is all-knowing. He knows everything--past, present, and future. There is nothing about which he's unaware.

So take that huge load off your back...whatever it is. Let your Heavenly Father soothe you and quiet you by his love. You don't have to understand. You just have to get filled up (prayer, Bible, worship), and show up, ready to be used for his glory. 

The more broken we are, the more desperately and humbly we go for our filling. The more filled we are, the more eagerly we show up to let him shine...knowing full well that on our own, we are nothing.

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

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2015-16 Homeschool Curriculum Part 2

Last week I posted my boys' eighth-grade curriculum. In this post I'm featuring the girls' curriculum. Mary is entering the 3rd grade, and Beth is entering the 1st grade.

Read Alouds: I'm reading from the Elsie Dinsmore books. This collection is over 100 years old so you can download them for free. See the link above. We also have other devotionals to read this year. I will also be reading aloud the Beautiful Feet history selections, as pictured below.

Reading - All About Reading Levels 3 and 4 Mary will finish Level 3 and also do Level 4. Beth will finish Level 1 and also do Level 2.

Supplemental Reading - Mary will also read her Beginning Reader Bible each day, as well as library selections. We also have some Christian stories in a 2nd Grade BJU reading textbook that she will enjoy. Mary loves Christian stories and often tells me afterwards how happy and peaceful they make her feel.

Spelling - All About Spelling Level 2 Mary will finish Level 1 and complete Level 2. Beth will not do spelling until she is nearly done with All About Reading Level 2.

Math - Saxon Math 2 for both girls. Mary will hopefully transition into Teaching Textbooks Grade 3 by February or March. She has dyscalculia and is behind grade level in Math, while Beth is somewhat ahead in math.

History - Beautiful Feet Early American History Primary Pack Both girls will be taught together, with mom reading aloud from the selections below. Notebooking pages, discussion questions, and character development elements are included in this package as well.

Writing - Daily Journal Writing--a minimum of 3 sentences every morning. Other writing will include the dictation exercises in All About Spelling. As she becomes more proficient this year, I will ask her to respond to literature in her journal. The Beautiful Feet History Pack will include some notebooking work in a composition book, also.

Science - Apologia Exploring Creation with Zoology, Land Animals of the Sixth Day 

Fine Arts: Meet the Great Composers Book 1 & 2 We will do this as a family.

Curriculum for 2015-16: Eighth Grade

2015-16 Curriculum 

Peter, age 13, and Paul, age 11

Both entering 8th Grade

We started back to a regular, full-time school schedule; here are the basic curriculum choices for the boys:

Literature and History: Sonlight Core H - World History Part 2

We bought this core in February, 2015, and are continuing with it this year. The boys will read both the readers and read-alouds to extend the curriculum. Late June through July they took a break from Sonlight to read other literature, but they're back at it now.

Read Alouds: I'm reading aloud from the complete Elsie Dinsmore series (28 books) and from other devotionals. There's a great deal of Scripture and character training contained in the Elsie Dinsmore books. We're thoroughly enjoying them, with the kids hanging on every word. This series also qualifies as historical fiction, containing historical facts and opinions from the mid- to late-1800's, including the politics of the Civil War, and the beginnings of the Ku Klux Klan following the war.

While I'm currently finishing up book 1 with the family, I just finished book 5 on my own. We're all spurred on in our faith by Elsie's delightful, pious, Christ-like character. My little girls are so inspired that they're reading their Bibles faithfully, with help from Momma, and even trying to memorize passages like Elsie does. Elsie is very careful about her devotional times, letting nothing in the way of her time with the Lord.

Geography - NorthStar Geography  (starting second semester)

Grammar - Easy Grammar

Writing - Responding to the Sonlight novels via essay questions Mom assigns. We will also use Apologia's Jump In: A Workbook for Reluctant and Eager Writers.

Spelling: All About Spelling

Math: Teaching Textbooks Pre-Algebra and Khan Academy. Paul loves math and is quite the expert at it, so I may get him a used Saxon text to amuse himself with, as well. He will also continue with computer programming on Khan Academy.

Science: Apologia General Science & Apologia Physical Science My boys received an excellent overview of science from Sonlight Science, used during all their elementary years. We will use the Apologia General Science course to fill in any holes in their knowledge, and to get used to a textbook format, and then go on to Physical Science, which is recommended for 8th grade (although it can also be done in 9th grade).

Don't ask me how we birthed a math expert, since husband and I both have our limitations in this area. Outside of her dyslexic difficulties with backward numerals, Beth grasps math concepts well also.

Paul is all we need around here as math instructor, which takes a load off this Momma's mind. So far I can still help Peter as needed, who is finishing up 7th grade Teaching Textbooks this summer. When I'm not available, Paul is always willing. I had a year of calculus in college but of course I don't remember a thing, so going forward, I either relearn with Peter or allow Paul to be tutor. Thankfully, he enjoys teaching.

Some Thoughts On Teaching Learning-Disabled, Or Learning-Difference Students

All four of my children have dyslexia to varying degrees, with Paul's case being very mild, and the girls having the most difficulty with reading. Peter and Mary both have dyscalculia also, and Peter has dysgraphia--all explained below.

Thankfully, the Teaching Textbook curriculum format allows Peter to be fairly independent, regardless. Hints are given as an option, and students can do the problems over once (though not on quizzes). If they're really stumped, they can have the answer explained for them, but Peter is diligent to try again before seeing answers. I have a hunch his OCD won't let him look at the solutions unless he's desperate. All this makes math time consuming and causes congestion at our only PC, but we hope to get that remedied next semester.

Today Peter told me math is comparatively easy when he isn't plagued by his OCD rituals during the lesson. That said, it still took him an hour and forty-five minutes to do 26 problems, due to the dyscalculia, which encompasses everything from difficulty with computation and fact recall, to difficulty writing out the problems neatly enough to follow one's own work. Careless mistakes are so commonplace that correct answers are rarely achieved the first time while doing the multi-step problems characteristic of 7th grade and higher math.

Long-term memory issues also play a part, in that these students have difficulty remembering random facts not associated with a narrative or a visual, such as math facts, days of the week, and months of the year. Dyscalculics may always have to recite a rhyme to decide what the fifth month of the year is, for example. It may not become automatic. While the presence of the learning disability makes automaticity difficult to achieve, the more years that pass, the more likely they'll know it as well as the rest of us, except during stressful moments.

Disabilities require patience most of all, and the belief that we are fearfully and wonderfully made by a glorious God who does not make mistakes. If you're teaching learning-different students, remember to spend plenty of time on their strengths. Very successful dyslexics--and there are many--testify that their success did not arise because someone spent numerous hours and years remediating their weaknesses in reading, spelling, math and penmanship. Rather, they said it was honing in on their unique strengths that made the difference for their futures. They grasp things the rest of us miss, and in that context they are enabled, not disabled.

A good secretary will solve a lot of issues--or good technology, for that matter.

It's common for dyslexics to also have either one or both of: dyscalculia and dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is difficulty with organizing thoughts on paper, and difficulty with spelling and handwriting.

These conditions all make for a challenging homeschool life, in which God makes it abundantly clear that He is in control, not us.

I have my 2014-15 portfolio review this Friday, and following that I will get to the girls' curriculum post. Have a nice weekend, friends! I hope your back-to-school preparations are going smoothly.

Dear Tooth Fairy

Dear Mr. Tooth Fairy,

I hereby appeal to you on the matter of the general award given for fallen teeth, which has been one dollar. I, currently having no money, would like to receive a little more money than usual. Oh, Daddy, I will give you a card that says:

I love you, Daddy, so much! You're the best Dad in the world for giving me more money than I usually receive. Thank you.

P.S. You are a good tooth fairy. Though I don't like boy tooth fairies, you are the best boy tooth fairy. Thank you.

Love,

Beth Your Art Girl

(with a little help from siblings and Momma)