3 Christian Marriage Essentials

Though neglected in this season of life, I do notice something about this blog: roughly 40 to 80 people a month land on this post: An Open Letter to Unhappy Christian Wives.

For the Church that's reason to grieve. Often when I pray about the anonymous readers, wondering what brought them to that post, I wonder: What can the Church do to save Christian marriages?

Here are some compelling marriage stats from a Christianity Today article:

In her newest book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shanti compiles some stats and conducts some research of her own on marriage, and specifically, what makes for a happy marriage.

53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."

She writes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness" (pg. 178, Highly Happy Marriages). (See her book for the methodology.) Dr. Wilcox finds that "active conservative protestants" who attend church regularly are actually 35% less likely to divorce than those who have no religious preferences. In all cases, notice the active element of the faith commitment. "Nominal" Christians, however, those who simply call themselves Christians but do not actively engage with the faith, are actually 20% more likely than the general population to get divorced—perhaps there is a link between putting on a show in the religious and relational context.

With this data in mind, here are three considerations for those desiring an enduring marriage:

1. Focus on God, and on the marriage the Holy Spirit is working out.

Trust God implicitly to mold yours into a godly marriage, regardless of how it looks today.

If God is at the center of a marriage, than it stands to reason he's at the center of both the husband's and wife's individual lives. However, if not, you can't force your husband to read the Bible. Focus on what you can do spiritually, and pray for your husband. Don't nag or be antagonistic. Your faithfulness and patience will be rewarded. The Holy Spirit will change hearts--any open heart, that is. Keep your own heart open using prayer and the Word as cleansing agents. A closed, bitter heart is the beginning of the end.

Your marriage is only as good as your reliance on Him.


2. Don't be a Christian in name only.

A nominal Christian has one to two feet in the world at all times, and the world destroys the sanctity and beauty of Christian marriage. If you're a nominal Christian, good luck with that 50th anniversary thing. It probably ain't happening.

Keep your feet and heart and head out of the world. Forsake the world's ways and save yourself and probably your marriage and kids, too. Ask God if you're a nominal Christian. His answer is all that matters, and it will be clear enough. Just ask. The Holy Spirit will then step in and clean house.


3. Remember what you deserve, and what you were given instead.

End entitlement in your heart and practice gratitude. God has given you exactly what He thinks is good for you. You don't agree with him? Be obedient anyway, just like you would expect from your children, who don't always know what's best.

Here's my story: My marriage is hard, but there are no on-going resentments. We aren't fighters. Moments of tired irritation occur for both of us, but that comes with having special-needs children. Special needs press in on a marriage. Date nights and all the other tricks to keep the home fires burning? They're a dream to couples dealing with children's problems. Such marriages thrive by the grace of God, not because of date nights or anything planned.

A godly marriage doesn't have to look romantic or ideal. It has to have a rock-solid foundation--which is Christ--and two flawed people extending grace toward one another, continually. When you look at your partner, look with Jesus glasses. Jesus sees a sinner in need of grace. Can't we do the same?

The Holy Spirit continually reminds me that I am receiving in Jesus Christ's far more than I could ever hope or imagine. Aren't the vast majority doomed to hell, sadly? The Bible overflows with love toward me and my husband, and because of that we want to honor God with our marriage. It's as simple as that. Gratitude. Our marriage is a gift to God, not to ourselves. Though with this perspective, the marriage is mutually satisfying. It does turn out as a gift, but not from each other. A gift from God, rather.

When you look at marriage-success advice, you'll see date nights and enough sex and other things the couple is supposed to do. But every family has a different situation. Some are caring for aging parents; some are caring for other special needs; some couples have disorders or diseases themselves. Many are exhausted and nothing about their lives looks ideal--for years on end, not just for a season. Are these couples doomed, without the date nights and all the sex and the candle-lit anniversaries?

What about, say...the Pilgrims from 1620? They came here and endured years of hardship, often with no privacy or security of food or life. Fifty percent perished the first year. Survival was the only thing on their minds, and yes, sometimes God has this kind of existence for us. All through history life has been very hard and from that perspective, our modern-day "date nights" are comical. 

Commitment, and faith in something greater than themselves, held the marriages of old together, not date nights. You either live for yourself, or you live for Someone greater. Nothing legacy-worthy comes from living for ourselves. The me-centered leave nothing behind, except the echo of their selfishness.

It's not about whether we remember anniversaries (July 3rd and we usually remember too late), or whether we buy gifts for one another (we don't), or whether we go to marriage retreats (we never have), or whether we spend time alone (maybe 20 - 30  minutes before sleep, a few nights a week). My husband's got an aging father to attend to, first of all.

It's about finishing the race we started on July 3, 1999, for His glory. There's no stopping, turning back, or wishing we chose differently. God is writing the story and we already know how it ends.

For his glory and our good.

How Comfortable Are You?

My earthly father is 76, and unsaved. He's living in the Philippians currently, with his young Filipino wife (fifth wife). They lived in Las Vegas for years and just recently moved. I emailed him the other day following a news report about a typhoon, but it was in the north; his area was unaffected.

Something he wrote in his long email back gave me an opening to talk about the Lord, so I gave an invitation to both of them to accept Christ.

When dealing with family, evangelism is risky. I've been rejected before by other family, and it looks as though it's happened again.

And they took offense at Him. But Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and in his own household."
- Matthew 13:57

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.
- Matthew 19:29

Oftentimes, being a Christian is extremely costly. When it's not costly, we're playing it too safe and God never promised safe. He never promised we'd have a lot of people to love us. He never promised loud, lively family parties at holidays and birthdays. When one's own family rejects you because of the Gospel, it's particularly painful and lonely.

The more comfortable we are here, the less comfortable we'll be in heaven. The less comfortable we are here, the more comfortable we'll be in heaven.

Live for that because you can bank on it.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?… Matthew 16:25

If someone asks..."What's your ambition in life?" What will you say? 

My ambition is to love God with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my mind, even when it makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

Be willing to suffer pain and loneliness and rejection, for the sake of the Gospel. For the sake of one more soul...because the Lord goes to great pains to chase that one.

Don't go for popular, or fashionable, or lovable. Go for the camel's hair and the locusts and honey like John the Baptist, who got the job done because he lived for one thing. Souls.

The god of this world labors hard to make it all about us. The God of Heaven labors hard to make it all about souls. 

Who will you follow?

Weekly Homeschool and Life Wrap-Up - October

Homeschool Philosophical Musings

We've hit a stage in our homeschool in which all four children are receiving a lot of formal education--the youngest having hit first grade. It's much more challenging to fit everything in for each child, and my perspective as to what constitutes "school" continues to mature. 

It's very tempting to view homeschooling as schooling at home, but it's much more than that. It isn't about defined grade-level expectations or taking government the same year as your public-schooled peers. As a homeschooling mother, it's about tailoring a garment to fit each child as well as possible considering their individual growth and stature--the garment being the education. 

Sometimes your 11 year old does better than your 13 year old in math, even as your 13 year old comes into his own as a courageous, discerning sibling leader. When you perceive homeschooling as a one-piece life in which learning is part of everyday existence, not a separate entity, then your definitions shift. 

The home front is the most important classroom and the schooling is learning how to live for the glory of God. Sometimes that includes 5 days of formal math lessons, while at other times it includes laboring in love for someone at church, or reading aloud long because everyone is frazzled and needs to recenter their hearts via Christ-rich content. Sometimes it includes learning how to keep clutter from taking over, and still other times includes brainstorming how to shave $100 a month off the already-shaved grocery budget. 

And very often for one-income families, it includes lessons in how to live with far less than those around you, while still feeling that the term abundant life fits your existence--because it should if you're in Christ. In our "homeschool" the lessons are deep and wide and the love even more so because it has to be. The challenges are just right and grace abounds because God is good. 

This is the Holy Spirit's shaping and as a mother I must help my children identify and be thankful for that shaping, rather than wondering where God's blessings went or why prayer isn't being answered this month. I want them to have lovely souls and that means bitterness and envy cannot take root. Shielding our hearts from ugliness means living a life of gratitude. It means understanding how the Potter shapes the clay and how the clay loves the Potter's work--even when the molding hurts.

Life is not about accomplishment and trappings, no matter what the world screams at us. It's about responding to each day and each trial with mercy and grace. It's about growing in grace rather than growing in goodness (growing in grace being something Ann Voskamp once said, but I don't remember where.)

And all that, my friends, is why schooling is part of a one-piece, big-picture life. That compass is how I measure my days, and I'm continually learning to navigate with it better and better, even as I inch closer to a substantially-wrinkled 50 years old. 

Why must wisdom come with wrinkles...and maybe that's why they both begin with w? 

The Week in Pictures:

My little Beth is such a delight! She's always creating something. Here's a doll bed made from an oatmeal container for her Rapunzel toddler doll--a doll acquired from a thrift store last week. Some days Rapunzel is reading Jane Eyre, and other days library picture books. "She's only three, Mommy, but she can read now." This, Beth tells me, after she "read" to Rapunzel herself for days.

Having a creative child means a messy house; I had to learn to define my housekeeping skills in broader terms than tidiness, having come to terms with my choices: I can break her spirit by insisting on tidiness, or I can come alongside her to clean up time and again, keeping our relationship sweet and satisfying.

We went to our favorite apple and pumpkin farm.

A hayride to the orchards on a 1950's tractor.

My Mary loving the lambs.

Beth and I, and me marveling that a precious one still fits in my lap!

About the tenth photo Daddy took, as you can tell by the so-not-enthused expression.

Always a doll or a stuffy with her. They need outings too, you know.

15 pounds of apples, which we've been happily feasting on--including one batch of applesauce, an apple crumb pie because I'm lazy about crusts, and one double-batch apple crisp.

This kind man, with a baby in one arm, was happy to introduce his springer spaniel to my smitten girls. It didn't work out with our stray dog last month, by the way.

Daddy with our boys. I believe Peter is 5'5'' now--gaining on Daddy's 5'8' and past my 5'3''. Doc says he'll be six feet.

Peter and Paul are well loved by their sisters. His OCD, though it drives us all crazy, doesn't impact their admiration and love. It may even increase it, in fact.

Two weeks ago Beth searched our property for fall nature samples. We have a lot more yellow, red, and orange this week.

Fall means Kent State University football games. They don't care for pro football, but college football rules their fall fun (or at least Paul's). They even play it out back with their sisters, which is a hoot. My husband is frequently gifted with tickets from various people at one of his workplaces, which makes up for the fact that we don't have cable to watch games. They see a few online via ESPN3, however.

I'm using recordings more and more in my homeschool. Here Beth is drawing from a library book while listening to Psalm 23 on my cell phone with headphones (recorded by my voice). She memorized it for AWANA this week and each time she recited it I choked up. Few things are sweeter than a six year old reciting Psalm 23.

Life News:
One of our Compassion International correspondent children left the program due to her family becoming more independent. They felt they could take care of her by themselves, leaving room for another needy child. She's been a delight to correspond with this past year, as our newest child, eight years old from Nicaragua.

That night, after Compassion called me about Abdi, they put a new correspondent child on my account: Brayan, a 13-year-old boy from the Dominican Republic; he lives with his mother and sadly, his father is deceased. I went into my account to write the October letters to our children and there he was... a precious new heart to share with. They told me they'd put me on a waiting list, so that was fast!

A correspondent child is not a sponsor child. Someone else, often a big company, will sponsor children but not commit to writing--writing being something that, along with helping in Jesus' name, is the cornerstone of Compassion International's program. They immediately assign a correspondent for these children.

We became correspondents in 2011, before we could afford to sponsor for $38 a month. After that we were so hooked on the experience, we sponsored a child without waiting for the budget numbers to work out. We've never missed a payment. Then we acquired another correspondent child, and then leaped ahead with another sponsor child. The last two have been correspondents, and that is the end of our faith walk for now. We can't squeeze another inch from this budget, though my heart longs to come up with more and more increments of $38, because these children are precious to their core and their letters are like gold. Outside of marrying and giving birth to my own loved ones, these children are the highlights of my life.

Call Compassion at 800-336-7676 to be a correspondent to a third-world child, which is a fantastic heart and learning endeavor for the whole family. Your children will grow in gratitude just by being exposed to these wonderful children...and they will fall in live with each one. You should try to write every six weeks or more often, which you can do online at Compassion (and you can attach photos).

 You can send monetary gifts online (for sponsor children) or over the phone for correspondent children. These gifts profoundly impact daily living conditions, like providing shoes, mattresses, or a non-leaky roof--all of which improve their performance in school. The personal letters remind them that God loves them...that he has not forgotten them...that he has plans to prosper them and not harm them.

Praise God for being able to speak these things into their lives. If you've been reading my blabber about this for years now, but haven't taken the leap, go right now to Compassion to have your life changed. (But use the phone number above to become just a correspondent. You can only sign up for a sponsorship online).

Homeschool Readings:

~ The boys finished Treasure Island, which Peter liked. Paul felt that though it was exciting in the end, it dragged at the beginning and it was too dark. Now they're reading Susan Warner's 1850 Christian, sentimental novel, The Wide Wide World, considered the first bestseller. It isn't listed in any of the literary analysis sources I invested in, but literary analysis is available online. We started reading it free on the Kindle, but that copy had so many errors we switched to a Gutenberg Project copy, which is how we read Elsie Dinsmore novels too. Did you know that Elsie mentions reading The Wide Wide World in Elsie's Girlhood? After I spoke about that famous novel and they heard Elise talk about it, they wanted to read it next.

I'm reading Pilgrim Stories to all of them, which is very interesting, and next we'll read The Courage of Sarah Noble, as part of the girls' Beautiful Feet Early American History.

The boys really love two things in particular so far this year: General Science by Apologia, which they've really taken to after years of Sonlight Science, and The Story of the World history series. They have one and a half books to go in that history series. They'll certainly be sorry to see it end!

Here are some 2015 across the curriculum Picture books we've enjoyed:

If You Plant a Seed by Kadir Nelson, published March, 2015:

Synopsis: Kadir Nelson, acclaimed author of Baby Bear and winner of the Caldecott Honor and the Coretta Scott King Author and Illustrator Awards, presents a resonant, gently humorous story about the power of even the smallest acts and the rewards of compassion and generosity.

With spare text and breathtaking oil paintings, If You Plant a Seed demonstrates not only the process of planting and growing for young children but also how a seed of kindness can bear sweet fruit.

The Full Moon at the Napping House by Audrey Wood published September, 2015.

Synopsis: In the wide-awake bed in the full-moon house, everyone is restless! The moonlight is pouring in and no one can get to sleep: not Granny, her grandchild, the dog, the cat, or even a mouse. It's not until a tiny musical visitor offers up a soothing song does the menagerie settle down, and finally everyone is off to dreamland.

With a perfectly crafted text and stunning paintings, Audrey and Don Wood reveal once again why they are picture book creators of the highest order. The Full Moon at the Napping House, the highly anticipated follow-up to their beloved classic The Napping House, is the ideal book to share at bedtime or anytime.

Voice of Freedom: Spirit of the Civil Rights Movement by Fannie Lou Hamer, published August, 2015

Synopsis: Despite fierce prejudice and abuse, even being beaten to within an inch of her life, Fannie Lou Hamer was a champion of civil rights from the 1950s until her death in 1977. Integral to the Freedom Summer of 1964, Ms. Hamer gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention that, despite President Johnson’s interference, aired on national TV news and spurred the nation to support the Freedom Democrats. Featuring luminous mixed-media art both vibrant and full of intricate detail, Singing for Freedom celebrates Fannie Lou Hamer’s life and legacy with an inspiring message of hope, determination, and strength.

Lillian's Right to Vote:A Celebration of the Voting Acts Right of 1965 by Jonah Winter, published July, 2015

Synopsis: An elderly African American woman, en route to vote, remembers her family’s tumultuous voting history in this picture book publishing in time for the fiftieth anniversary of the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

As Lillian, a one-hundred-year-old African American woman, makes a “long haul up a steep hill” to her polling place, she sees more than trees and sky—she sees her family’s history. She sees the passage of the Fifteenth Amendment and her great-grandfather voting for the first time. She sees her parents trying to register to vote. And she sees herself marching in a protest from Selma to Montgomery. Veteran bestselling picture-book author Jonah Winter and Coretta Scott King Illustrator Award winner Shane W. Evans vividly recall America’s battle for civil rights in this lyrical, poignant account of one woman’s fierce determination to make it up the hill and make her voice heard.

The Bay Boy & His Violin by Gavin Curtis (not a new book)

Synopsis: Reginald loves to create beautiful music on his violin. But Papa, manager of the Dukes, the worst team in the Negro National League, needs a bat boy, not a "fiddler," and traveling with the Dukes doesn't leave Reginald much time for practicing. 

Soon the Dukes' dugout is filled with Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach -- and the bleachers are filled with the sound of the Dukes' bats. Has Reginald's violin changed the Dukes' luck -- and can his music pull off a miracle victory against the powerful Monarchs? 

Gavin Curtis's beautifully told story of family ties and team spirit and E. B. Lewis's lush watercolor paintings capture a very special period in history.

Enormous Smallness: A Story of E.E. Cummings by Matthew Burgess, published April, 2015

Synopsis: Enormous Smallness is a nonfiction picture book about the poet E.E. cummings. Here E.E.'s life is presented in a way that will make children curious about him and will lead them to play with words and ask plenty of questions as well. Lively and informative, the book also presents some of Cummings's most wonderful poems, integrating them seamlessly into the story to give the reader the music of his voice and a spirited, sensitive introduction to his poetry.

In keeping with the epigraph of the book -- "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are," Matthew Burgess's narrative emphasizes the bravery it takes to follow one's own vision and the encouragement E.E. received to do just that.

Let's Knit: Learn to Knit With 12 Easy Projects by DK publishing, published September, 2015

Synopsis: This guide for budding beginner knitters shows how to master the basics of knitting. Includes easy to follow steps for projects such as Brilliant Bracelets; Finger Fun; Fred's Hat and Scarf; and more. Ages 8-12. Fully illustrated in color.

How Jelly Roll Morton Invented Jazz by Jonah Winter, July, 2015

Synopsis: In this unusual and inventive picture book that riffs on the language and rhythms of old New Orleans, noted picture book biographer Jonah Winter (Dizzy, Frida, You Never Heard of Sandy Koufax?) turns his focus to one of America's early jazz heroes in this perfectly pitched book about Jelly Roll Morton.

Gorgeously illustrated by fine artist Keith Mallett, a newcomer to picture books, this biography will transport readers young and old to the musical, magical streets of New Orleans at the turn of the 20th century.

Boy, Were We Wrong About the Weather! by Kathleen Kudlinski, published August, 2015

Synopsis:

Ancient Sumerian warriors used to think that lightning and thunder were caused by an angry weather god —boy, were they wrong!

Even today once common ideas about how our weather and climate work are changing as new discoveries are being made. Kathleen V. Kudlinski and Sebastià Serra team up to debunk old—and sometimes silly—myths about weather and to celebrate the pioneers that made meteorology the science it is today.

This award-winning series is especially meant for the budding scientist and is perfect for children who are fascinated by the natural world and how it works.

Thanks for reading some of this here novel of mine. Didn't mean to make it soooo long. Have a blessed weekend!

Updated: Christian Millennials Delaying Marriage

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(Earlier errors have been corrected): October is Missions Month at our church, and last weekend a late 20's to 30-something lady spoke about her work with CRU (Campus Crusade for Christ). She grew up in our church and began working for the organization while attending Kent State University, after speaking with ministry representatives at a missions table during orientation week.

She seemed like such a wonderful, kind, sweet, sincere person, completely sold out to Christ and the Great Commission. We were all inspired by her work with young, part-time staffers across various Ohio universities. Part-time work with CRU is an option for students who want to complete their education, but don't want to wait until after graduation to begin working in missions. My boys, especially, were very intrigued by this idea.

My post today is not really about missions, however. I'm ashamed to say that by the end of her talk, I wondered why her life story hadn't included marriage and kids yet.

Yes, I know. What's wrong with me? Didn't Paul say it was better not to marry, if one had the gift of singleness...so one could dedicate an entire life to full-time service to Christ? A marriage presumably encumbers workers for Christ, so everyone not harboring a burning desire to couple would do better to stay single, while laboring hard for the gospel.

And isn't that what this lovely lady was doing? So...what's my problem?

Only that fewer millennials are marrying and if the trend continues, the church is in trouble. Heck, we're already in trouble: those who aren't marrying in their twenties or thirties are still having sex.   A big part of following Christ is loving holiness. When we get over holiness, the church looks like the rest of the world.

Maybe they're not advertising it, but the majority of evangelical young people have given up on virginity. It's acceptable to love Christ, live for Christ...even labor for Christ, all while making up one's own rules about sexuality.

In biblical times youth married early--while barely out of puberty in most cases. There wasn't much time to be tempted by sexual sin, much less to engage in it. The individual didn't count for much during an era when people went directly from belonging to family, to creating a family.

As a mother to both boys and girls, I want to know what's behind today's trends, and ascertain what I can do to prepare my children for both godly marriage and godly singleness--whichever God has for them.

During my research I encountered a Faithstreet.com article by a 24-year-old, career-driven Christian girl who shared five reasons she thinks she and her girl friends are not marrying as early as other generations. Before delving into her points, she shares some statistics:

According to the Pew Research Center, only 26 percent of Millennials, those born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are married. This is a decrease from previous generations: by the time they were in the current Millennial age range (18-33), 36 percent of Generation Xers, 48 percent of Baby Boomers, and 65 percent of the Silent Generation were married.

Millennials’ median marriage age is also the highest of any group in modern history — 29 for men and 27 for women. Though most unmarried Millennials (69 percent) say they’d like to marry, they’re not in a hurry.

Do these statistics surprise us? Don't we all know at least one or two single Christian women (or men) who aren't married yet, for reasons we can't fathom? The young lady also shares what her research uncovered about the sexuality of the unmarrieds:

The majority (77 percent) of evangelical Millennials agree that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. But that hasn’t stopped most of them from doing it. In fact, 80 percent of unmarried Millennials who self-identify as evangelicals have had sex, according to a study from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Of that 80 percent, 64 percent reported having sex in the last year, and 42 percent say they are currently in a sexual relationship.

Even using a stricter definition of “evangelical,” a study by the National Association of Evangelicals found that 44 percent of evangelical Millennials had premarital sex. One Gospel Coalition blog said sex outside of marriage is the Millennial generation’s acceptable sin.

Are you with me on this? Doesn't it seem that the majority of these unmarrieds do not have the gift of singleness? They're not delaying marriage because their love for Christ burns stronger than all else.

What about the secular world? Is the Christian world just following societal trends? 

Well, in the secular world something else is going on, but there is common ground between the two groups. First, in the secular world feminism has led young women to believe that men are expendable. A woman doesn't need a man for anything...especially now that bisexuality is a fad. What's up with this "fluid sexuality" thing? Are we in the end times or what?

Both the secular and non-secular single women are career-driven. Both are having sex. Both find singleness attractive. 

On some level singleness is attractive: the idea of living for oneself, coming and going as it pleases you; hanging out with friends while spending money on food and vacations and clothes; or staying in to be alone to enjoy books or other hobbies; cleaning and cooking as it pleases you.

Sounds pretty free and easy, doesn't it? 

While these women may at times be lonely, they're decidedly not miserable. Their freedom, along with the like-minded company they keep, make their lives more than tolerable.

Here are five reasons millennial Christian women are staying single, according to our 24-year-old Faith Street author: 

1.We're driven by our careers.

2. True love isn't waiting. (The pre-marital sex thing).

3. Men are acting like boys. (We knew that was coming).

4. Christians don't know how to date. (We're awkward about it; we believe it's a precursor to marriage, which creates too much pressure.)

5. Singleness is attractive. (For this, she gives reasons similar to mine above.)

Let's talk a little about the "men are acting like boys" thing. 

The number of men in their 20's and 30's who spend hours playing video games--having started the addiction by middle school or high school--is astounding, for one thing. But she lists other reasons too, along with research:

Kevin DeYoung, author of Just Do Something, says that a number of commentators, Christians included, have noticed a trend in Millennial men — they aren’t growing up. The common question he hears from young Christian women around the country: “Where have all the marriageable men gone?”

DeYoung contends: “The Christian men that are ‘good guys’ could use a little — what’s the word I’m looking for — ambition.” I heard a similar response when I asked a few unmarried Christian guys in their early twenties why marriage is being delayed. They said guys now tend to be less forward about their intentions, made easier by the ability to hide behind indirect forms of communication (think text messages, email, Facebook).

For a generation where its commonplace to play Madden for hours on end, live at home well into adulthood and not be able to maintain a savings account, marriage might take a backseat because growing up has, too.

I researched further, despite the compelling reasons listed by this young single woman. As a mother to boys, I wanted to hear the other side, too.

And boy was there another side! I found this gem of an article: 9 Reasons Why Christian Single Ladies Can't Find Their Boaz, David, or Joseph.

Tobi Atte lists the following excellent reasons, all of which he fleshes out quite well. I can only quote the basics here. I urge you to read his excellent article in its entirety, whether you're married yourself, single, and/or a mother. His reasons are quite convicting for all women:

1. Many Christian ladies want a man that “knows where he is going”… but God’s men usually don’t have a clue: Think about that for a moment. Think through the Bible…all the great men that had relationships with God and who he used and blessed….they usually didn’t have a clue about where they were going and (here is the even crazier part) even if they had a clue, their lives for a long time did not reflect that great place God said he was taking them.

2. Many ladies approach relationships from the perspective of “Low Risk, High Reward”: Meaning, they want to get the absolute best man with the least amount of risk. (And I’m not just talking about finances here)They don’t want to put themselves out there at all.

They want the man to take ALL the risks…to be utterly convinced he wants to be with them before they open up about who they really are. You know who you are…You act like YOU are the ONLY prize in the equation. He doesn’t know anything about your background but you turned into a private investigator to make sure he is good enough for you. You are financially irresponsible and an impulsive spender, you’re spending insane percentages of your income on your hair, shoes, bags, and your “package” but you want a man who knows how to make and keep money. You have not grown your faith or prayer life to where it needs to be but you want a demon chasing, tongue speaking, Bible spitting warrior of a husband…because “he is the leader of the home”.

3. Many ladies forget that good Christian men look for women who share similar non-romantic, non-spiritual values: Sure he should be romantic and sure he must share those spiritual values but eerrmmm ladies…these Christian brothers are looking for those other character traits as well that speak to the OPERATION of your possible lives together. Dependability, thriftiness, work ethic, time management, hard work, follow-through and so on.

4. Many ladies pre-qualify their leads: This is one of the most CRITICAL reasons. In fact, there is a powerful 2 part series on just that here http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/

5. Good Christian men know their worth too and don’t want to settle either: Yea ladies…men are understanding their worth a bit more too. Christian men are getting more and more comfortable attending relationship seminars and getting information about seeking God’s face for a wife. They are realizing how powerful of an impact a wife has on the outcome of their lives and ministry, and they are spending more time trying to see what is beneath the surface. They know that a woman can make or break everything. They realize that a woman’s desires can accelerate him towards purpose or derail him.

They are praying more and they are realizing that while you still remain a prize, they too are precious in God’s eyes and want to do right by him. They are realizing that a wife can make or break a man.

Yes they are praying for a Ruth but they are also praying against Delilah as well.

6. Many Christian ladies have no testimony with men:

7. Many Christian women want a Proverbs 31 Man:

8. Many Christian ladies want to be married but they are not truly ready to be led:

9. Many young married Christian women are painting a fairytale picture of marriage to their single ladies:

And if this article isn't fantastic enough, this same author shares an article about the flip side: 11 Reasons Why Single Christian Men Can't Find Their Ruth, Esther, or Mary. This article is equally compelling and convicting for both single and married men.

So, what did I decide to do with my research? Share it with you, and with my children during the next 3 devotional nights. Our family will go over all the reasons both authors gave, and discuss each point, with the goal of growing both boys and girls who are ready for the most glorious marriages imaginable...as well as a godly singleness, should God have that for them.

Side note: I married 16 years ago, at the age of 33. The reasons I married late had everything to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family; they were not part of a societal trend, by any means. However, I did enjoy my career...until I burned out on classroom discipline problems in my 10th year of teaching. I know how incredibly blessed I was to have a career to help me endure singleness, and how blessed I was that God kept me single until two years after I came to know Jesus as my Savior. I married a Christian, thank the Lord.

A couple of the reasons I married my husband were rooted in dysfunctional, even at 33, but God has redeemed that. My marriage is hard but we're both led by the Holy Spirit, and we realize our marriage has a purpose in God's Kingdom, and that it's bigger and more important than both of us. It's a mission and a race that we will finish, for the glory of God. 

Love seemed nearly perfect for the first seven years, then we woke up. That is something every young person needs to understand. It doesn't stay perfect, and for some people it never felt anything close to perfect. We have to expect to wake up from our honeymoon stupor--wake up more than ready to think of it as a race and a mission that is bigger than ourselves. It isn't about what we deserve, or what our partner deserves. It's about bringing God the most glory.

The Encouraging Parent

I've been co-teaching Trek AWANA for the past month and I love it.

Wait!

Did I just say I love teaching middle schoolers?

Who would have thunk it? It's amazing. There's much more in my head to impart about God and life then there are hours in AWANA. How to fit it all in, is the challenge--as well as working with the fact that I don't speak as clearly as I can write.

However, when we arrive home I find myself second guessing everything I said, even though I prepared very well. Did I offend this person or that person? Will they take it to heart or ignore it? I stay awake after teaching and drive myself crazy. Because I love teaching I find it very stimulating, which is part of the wide-awake issue.

My sons are in my class and Paul says, unsolicited, that I'm a great teacher, and he praises how much work I put into it.

So, why do I suffer with these self-doubts? I mean...I love it! And spiritual gift inventories indicate I have a teaching/knowledge/exhortation/discernment gift, which should help me work in this capacity confidently.

I've noticed that my boys' spiritual gift results are fairly similar to mine, and the top four gifts are all closely related.

Anyway, I've wracked my brain about my confidence conundrum because although we serve others to bring glory to God, we still need to feel personally good about it to make the experience as positive as possible--and to allow us the energy to keep going. Serving is always an expenditure of energy and time, no matter our gift package.

I recognize dysfunctional thinking here, based upon everything I've read about our thoughts and how they can trap us and hold us back in life. Not every thought represents truth. For example, when you look in the mirror at your aging face, you might see ugliness compared to what your face once was, but that doesn't mean other people see ugliness. The thought that you are ugly is probably not valid and should be discarded for your own good. It's a matter of filtering and constantly remembering that not every thought deserves our time and consideration.

Dysfunctional thought patterns can come from growing up in a dysfunctional home. It has taken some time for me to figure this out, but because my mother was jealous of my accomplishments, I had to curb my excitement or my competence to suit her. She left me second-guessing whether I should be happy with myself or not. Consequently, it took me a long time to reach a reasonable level of self-confidence. I still struggle with this, but at least I recognize it as dysfunction now.

And the best thing? God has used this lesson to help me become a very encouraging mother. I know the importance of pointing out children's strengths so they can believe themselves capable of anything God sets before them. We don't recognize our own strengths as readily as a keen observer does, who can see the issue from the sidelines. As parents, we are that keen observer, that cheerleader, that coach, that encourager.

We are the wind beneath their wings (next to the Holy Spirit), and once they're flying, we can relax and enjoy the view, not to mention praising the Lord for His divine guidance, and thanking him for the beautiful journey.