rekindling love

Over the weekend I spent time reading The Pioneer Woman's love story, which chronicles her courtship with Marlboro Man.  It is beautifully written.  She is a wonderful, engaging writer.  A book deal already signed, she is in the process of writing part ll (post wedding years) right now.

A. very. romantic. tale.

I started on Saturday night after I put the kids to bed (husband at work).  Folks, I could not peel myself away until 3:30 in the morning!  This is why I can't read novels much in this season of life.  If they're good, I neglect my family and just read and read and read.  Somehow, I don't have the willpower to compartmentalize my passions.  I love a good story!  Unfortunately, I was extremely tired and cranky the next day, after sleeping only two hours.

Blogs are inspiring, yet short and sweet and I can go right back to my family.  But, oh!   How I miss novels!

As I read I felt sad that as a couple, we haven't had opportunity to touch base with one another often enough to keep our love and passion fresh.  The Pioneer Woman's mother-in-law is close by, so they've had opportunities to get out of town, and take shorter breathers fairly often.  Since Beth was born seventeen months ago, we've been on one date, which was about 90 minutes long.  I think the previous one was a year earlier, and equally short.  Since we had our first child in 2002, we've been on about ten dates total, and none more than a couple hours long.

Moreover, since my husband works nights, there is precious little time available to us that doesn't involve the children's presence.  The two nights he is home (Tues and Thurs), he often falls asleep out of sheer exhaustion, or he has studying to do, since there is little time for that as well.

It took reading Ree's love story to help me realize how far we've drifted from one another.  There is still a sacred covenant, and mutual love, but our limited time means we're barely friends.  Both of us realize this is a temporary season, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

I've grieved since finishing her story.  So much.  They had four children in 8 years, and we had four children in 7 years.  And yet their romance is still very much alive.   Or so it seems.  I know blogs can be deceptive.

Our romance?  Not vibrant, to say the least.

I had about fifteen minutes to tell my husband about the story, while the kids were briefly in the playroom.  I told him how sorry I was for not hugging and kissing him daily, for more than brief seconds at his departure.    Touch and talk bring cravings for more.  Okay...for a man, maybe not the talk part.  But when opportunity is absent for too long, there is a slow drifting away, and then the cravings drift also.

The only thing I can do differently, is to spend more time giving him affection while the kids are around.  The remaining variables are out of my control.

When there were fewer broken families in our culture, people wanted to be around extended family more often--even live down the street from one another.  But with all the divorces now, many want to move away from their folks to minimize exposure to various problems.

The result?  Married couples have no familial support.  No one invests in the marriage enough to lend a hand on a regular basis.

In the average 2.2 kid household, this can be remedied by hiring babysitters, if they're available.  But the more kids you add, the fewer offers you get.  And, the fewer people you run across who can actually handle your brood.  My dad, at seventy, couldn't handle all of them when he was here.  My aunt and uncle can't handle all of them right now either.  As Beth gets older, that may change.

Don't let this happen to you!  If you're in the throes of multiple diapers and spills and potty training right now, brainstorm ways to keep your passion alive.

And read Ree's love story as a reminder of what passion really is.  Not as a comparison.  Just as a reminder of what you first saw in your husband, and how you first felt when he embraced you.

It's not R rated, by the way.

P. S. Whatever you do, don't write me to say I have to get creative and do the deed in the bathroom.  Yikes.  My Houdini toddler can not be contained!  Such suggestions, which you often hear about, must be for couples with older children.  Or for younger couples with raging libidos.  Whatever.

Just don't write that. Okay?  I'll have to throw cyber shoes at you, channeling poor George Bush's ordeal.

recommended read

What a wonderful reminder post from the Owlhaven blog, entitled  Homes of the Broken.

about that post

I wrote a post last night at the end of a strange sort of day.  I was nearly in tears by dinner time, and everyone around me seemed seriously flawed, including myself.  Our lives were in shambles--the temporary Census job was ending soon, there were ants in the dining room, weeds were taking over all our flower beds, both girls developed runny noses, and after a very long reprieve, my face was breaking out.  The flood of negative, depressed feelings shocked me to the core.

Just a couple of days ago, I was full of smiles and strength.  I was dancing to my Father, with all the joy of King David.

What was this about?  I've been consistently in the Word and in prayer.  Spiritual food abounds--so why this horrible spell?  Why did I feel like my marriage needed serious revamping--starting with me needing to be more gentle and quiet?

In my desperate state, I wrote a post about marriage--my flawed marriage, with my flawed husband.  The Internet went down in the middle of it.  Then it came back up.  I nursed my baby once, fell asleep for a while, then came back out to the computer and the Internet was down again.  My husband came out to use the restroom and noticed me working late.  I told him what happened, and asked him if he thought it meant I wasn't supposed to publish the post.  "I doubt it means that, Honey.  You're prone to over analyzing God's intentions."

So, I published it, after trying to add most of the content I had lost.

Many hours later, around lunch time, I was appalled at what I'd done.  How dare I put such a post up on the Internet?  Yikes!  I was right all along.  God was trying to dissuade me.

Next time I'll know the signs right away.  If the Internet goes down, don't publish.

I deleted it in the afternoon.  But it is still in feed readers.  Drat.

I reflected again on why my emotions were in shambles.

Light bulb moment.  I was experiencing this, for the first time in a couple years (a reprieve from pregnancy and nursing).  It took me by surprise.

Yes, I need to be a better wife.  But all is mostly good.  After all, I'd killed the ants--even though my children objected to me killing one of God's creatures.  My rule, I told them, is that if an ant enters my house, it's not protected.

After a while, my started speaking to me again.  The ants were carpenter ants, which happen to be big and scary.  They guessed it would be okay, since these ants can ruin roofs and walls and such.

I came across this series of posts on loving our husbands, and in the next week, I will get through all of them.  I just need a Titus 2 influence in this area.  There might be a woman at my church who can also help.  She is the surrogate grandmother (for my kids) who helped get them to AWANA these last several weeks.

Just as suddenly as my emotions crashed, they regulated again tonight.

These roller-coaster emotions will affect me for six more years.  And then?

 I'll be considerably wrinkled, but I'll be calm.

Am I supposed to like that trade off, God?

on herding children and my peace

Blogging punctuates my day.  The data my mind collects in a twenty-four hour period begs for reflection and analysis.  I separate the positive from the negative, discerning how best to spend my energies going forward.  I'm left with warm fuzzy feelings most of the time, and I fall asleep faster.  The reflection helps me focus on our progress as a spiritual family, rather than on how far we have to go.  When I can't blog the day feels untidy--too many loose ends.

Tonight was the awards ceremony for AWANA.  Getting all four children and myself ready--including feeding everyone--stole my peace, to say the least (Daddy was working).  Beth spit up on both our outfits (mommy's and baby's) five minutes before our friend was due to pick us up.  Can you relate to the tension of those final moments?

Following the getting ready ordeal, I  wrestled with my toddler for two hours in the foyer of the church!

Here is my plug for AWANA before I continue.  I'm so proud of my boys!  AWANA is a wonderful program--a real blessing for our whole family.  It entails Scripture memorization, cooperative P.E. games, a Bible lesson and a related craft.  Next year, Mary will attend AWANA cubbies, which is for ages 3 to kinder.  We're all excited for her!

Even if your own church doesn't have this program, you might find it at a neighboring church.  The program format is standard across the country, and the world.

Now, upon our return it was 8:15 p.m.  Time to get the excited children into pajamas and on to hygiene.  They were more interested in their AWANA awards than in getting into bed.  And who can blame them?  What's more,  I chose this day to change their sheets!  Two beds had to be made before slumber time.  I know.  Bad planning.  Surely, I told myself, the sheets would get washed and dried and put back on beds before AWANA time.  Surely.

Not!  Washed and dried only.

If I had to choose a punctuation mark summarizing this day, it would be an exclamation point!  The emotional exhaustion rarely reaches this level for me.  Herding children is my least favorite part of parenting.  Thank God we homeschool!  Herding children five mornings a week would be the end of me.  When I'm herding them with a time constraint, I'm too busy to disciple them.  

It's amazing how much easier our days are when we stay home.  Hurray for home!  Home is where the peace is!  As wonderful as AWANA is, I'm looking forward to more peaceful Wednesdays evenings from now until Labor Day.  We do no other evening events.

Now that my day is properly punctuated, I'll force myself to do the few dishes from dinner (we had homemake chicken noodle soup--winter returned here), but all else will wait until tomorrow.  The kids always give me a funny look when they wake up to a messy house.  Almost as if they're saying, "What did you do last night, other than tidy up?"

Those looks are usually incentive for me to tidy up before bed.....but not tonight.

Goodnight, friends!

giving in order to get (John Piper)

The problem with giving in order to get, from the John Piper blog.  Did you see the post?  Very good!